Grace and Frankie (2015–…): Season 7, Episode 4 - The Circumcision - full transcript

Ah-ah-ah!

- Put that ship down.
- That's what we're doing.

- No, not there. Back on the mantel.
- But we're gonna watch Cajun Pawn Stars.

- I don't care.
- You understand

that we always move the ship so
that we can actually see the TV?

That's when you were staying a few days.
New rule: You touch my ship, you die.

- Prison's hardened you.
- No. You two have hardened me.

Prison's been a joy.

Usually, when a loved one is behind
bars, there's less glee and more gloom.

What's to be gloomy about?

I get to see Nick an hour every
day. We make the most of it.



He's never on his phone
'cause it's contraband,

so when we talk,
he is really there.

Hm. Captive, in fact.

We never argue about
dinner 'cause it's a set menu.

And then we do our own thing.

He goes back to his
room, I go back to mine.

But your room is a beach
house and his is a jail cell.

Since you've been living here, my
beach house is also a jail cell.

- Well, scoff all you want.

This arrangement has done
wonders for my marriage.

It's kind of a
perfect relationship.

I don't know how I ever had a relationship
with somebody that wasn't locked up.

Well, it must be working because
you're absolutely glowing.

- Can we move the ship?
- Try it.



Frankie, should we really be
taking this meeting without Grace?

Why?

Because she said we shouldn't be
taking this meeting without her.

Oh, it's fine. She's
in jail. She's happy.

She'll be thrilled to find out we've
landed a manufacturer for the Rise Up.

With what? We're candy
rich and cash poor.

We haven't reached the point
in our money laundering

where we actually get the money.

How much candy have we moved?

Three boxes.

To my nephew.

And I had to really lean on him.

And Robert ate seven, so
we're actually in the red.

Okay, money is a
tomorrow problem.

This is just a meeting
to schmooze the guy.

Grace is the closer,
we're the schmoozers.

Oh, I see. It's one of those
get-to-know-you meetings

where I tell charming anecdotes
while they stare at my chest.

Exactly.

You never talk brass
tacks this early.

As newcomers, we
appreciate you welcoming us

into the community
of toileteers.

My pleasure. Now, let's talk
rubber washers, shall we?

That's what we call
"brass tacks" in the biz.

You know, I have a charming
anecdote that I'd love to share

about a young child's
bravery during the Blitz.

And, yes

that child was me.

Interesting you say "child"
because I too was a child once.

All right, ladies,
I have a hard out,

so to get this into production,
I'm gonna need a 30% startup fee.

My prices are competitive. That
said, I can't do it for peanuts.

Of course not. How
about Abba-Zabas?

Excuse me?

Let's say the
toilets cost 100,000.

I could pay you up front,
in cash, with candy.

I'm sorry. I'm a little lost.

Is "candy" code for something?

Money.

So you're going to
pay me with money?

No. Candy.

Okay. Is this a prank?

Oh.

Did those meatheads over at David
Budin's Shower & Bath send you?

No! We're serious.

Now, are you going to take our
200,000 dollars' worth of candy

and make toilets for us or not?

- I can't believe you made this.
- Hmph.

It's actually good.

A lot of time to
work on my skills.

Want a tat later?

No. I'll stick to
the quesadillas.

It's a "prison-dilla."

We steal cheese
from the kitchen,

put it on a tortilla made
of Flaming Hot Cheeto dust,

then all you need is a
microwave and Blowtorch.

Why need a blowtorch if
you have a microwave?

Blowtorch is a person.
And he owns the microwave.

Visiting
hours are almost over.

Say your goodbyes, folks.

Well, I hate to eat and run,
but I guess our hour is up.

Time really flies in this place.

It famously does not.

And I hate it when you leave.

I know. Me too.

Grace...

I didn't want to jinx this, but
I've been talking to my lawyer,

and there's a chance I could get out
if I admit guilt and write a big check.

You mean, like, "out" out?

"Out" out. No more hour
visits. No walls between us.

Just you and me.

Oh.

Uh-huh. Yeah. Wow. That's great.

- You sure you wanna plead guilty?
- Yes! If it gets me out of here.

Yeah, well, sure, but, I mean,
isn't there something to be said

for fighting for your
innocence and for the truth?

The truth is I'm guilty.

Guilty, yes, but
not "guilty" guilty.

No, I'm "guilty" guilty.

And that's just the
charges they've got me on.

My neck hurts.

What alternative do we have?

Oh, I don't know.

Maybe we move the ship?

Well, you heard Grace,
she said she'd kill us.

And she doesn't fear prison.

Oh, Robert, get a hold of
yourself. She'll never know.

Careful, Sol.

Oh, I can't look.

Ooh. Ah-ah-ah!

No, no, no. Not there. You'll
knock it off. You're all feet.

If you don't like
where it is, move it.

Fine.

Steady as she goes.

Oh, shut up.

We need to leave
and never come back.

But our house
isn't finished yet.

You wanna be here
when Grace finds out?

I can be packed in five minutes.

To be honest, I'd rather get
circumcised at a hospital,

but it means a lot to my dad, so
I'm thinking of getting a bris.

Bris? I'm here to
paint your house.

Kidding!

Just part of my shtick.

- And I'm gonna take part of yours.
- Jesus.

Him I don't know.

Listen, I've been doing
this for 30 years.

Sober for three.

We should get a second
opinion from a doctor.

Doctor-shmoctor. They
charge an arm and a leg.

I work for tips.

You want me to do it now?
I'll go get my garden shears.

Call the doctor.

Well, you really
screwed up this time.

What? What did I do?

You made us look
like whack-jobs.

- You don't need me for that.
- Exactly.

Joan-Margaret and I went to a meeting,
and you weren't there to rein us in,

so we may have insulted the
toilet man with our candy offer.

I told you to
cancel that meeting.

No. You're not turning
this around on me, lady.

Someone had to
make the decisions

when you were off having the
time of your life in jail.

I was gone for only two hours.

God, you take longer
to put on your jewelry.

It's called layering, Grace.

Look, even if we had the money,
there's nothing we can do

until the mechanic finishes
testing the new part.

Wrong again. Luanne called from
the Hot Hot Chili Festival,

where she had tested our toilet
under adverse conditions,

and it held up like a champ.

That is the most disgusting
good news I have ever heard.

Grace, your pantsuit
looks marvelous!

Oh, and, Frankie, you're very
charming on the small screen.

Is that Shark Tank?

We said we wouldn't watch
that episode in this house.

You said she couldn't watch
porn during her breaks.

That was delicious
television, darlings.

I don't come off too bad?

- Not bad at all...
- Good.

For someone who
betrayed her best friend

for a man who betrayed
the American taxpayer.

How did the toilet come
off? What is Twitter saying?

That's the interesting
part, dear.

Apparently, everyone hates
Grace, but they love the toilet.

Let me... Let me look.

Oh, my God. Listen
to these comments.

"Where do I get a Rise
Up?" "My mom needs one!"

"Grace is a bitch." "Tried it
at Chili Fest, works great!"

Oh, we're a hit,
ladies! Let's celebrate.

No time. We need to strike
while the toilet's hot.

We've got to roll up our sleeves,
eliminate all distractions.

- We've got to cancel our plans.
- I don't know if we can cancel our plans.

I know you're worried about
me missing the ostrich rodeo,

and, yes, tickets are nonrefundable
and they're 300 apiece,

and I bought a block of
six, but the rodeo can wait.

I'm not worried about the rodeo.

See, we might have a small distraction
because Nick might be getting out of jail.

- What?
- Yeah.

Oh, great. Just as things
are coming together,

he swoops in right in time to
fuck things up for us. Again.

No, but he's not gonna do that. It
probably won't even happen anyway.

- It might. And if it does...
- I'll handle it.

Like you did last time?

This isn't like last time.
That's why I told you.

Trust me, I got this.

After the M'Challah debacle, Jessica and I
went to see that place Brianna showed us.

- And?
- Perfect for us.

- Ooh.
- It's like a giant tiny house.

You mean a house?

Yeah.

It's great.

There's just one problem.

We're about 30,000 short
on the down payment,

and I was thinking maybe
I could get a loan?

Oy.

I'll pay you back in
less than six months.

Ten years, max.

As much as I'd love to help, have you ever
thought about selling off some assets?

- I'm not allowed to sell any more sperm.
- Not what I was referring to.

Assets, plural? Who am I, the
Monopoly Man, Archibald J. Peckwith?

No, no. I just...
Is that his name?

Shot in the dark.

- I'm talking about selling your Sacagawea.
- What? No way.

Mm-mm. I've had that forever.

You got it out of a cereal box.

So what? I'm supposed to
just sell my lucky coin?

Yeah. Now that it's worth
a whole bunch of money.

- It's priceless to me.
- Why?

Because...

- It is.
- Dude, that is not a good explanation.

Listen, if you want to take
this big of a step with Jessica,

you need to be willing to make
some equally big sacrifices.

Going in for a refill.

- When's your dick getting fixed?
- Not soon enough.

You're welcome.

Excuse me?

I opened the door for you.

And no one asked you to.
That was your choice.

My choice was to be polite.

Actually, your choice was to assume
I needed you to open the door.

I'm sorry for noticing you have your
hands full with your Michael Bublé CD.

You got a problem with him?

Not with Bublé. I've
got a problem with you.

What?

Have fun listening to your
CD on the way to Blockbuster!

Crushed it.

It needs more air again.

Fine, just don't
get up too quickly...

The stupid pump isn't working.

I'm never gonna fall asleep.

Me neither.

May I interest you
in some shut-eye?

Those things never work for me.

Couldn't hurt though.

Coming aboard.

Great. Now I have to pee.

Aw, jeez.

Frankie, dear.

What gives?

I've got someone who can
help us move the candy.

I was at Walden Villas,
trolling for tail...

Otherwise known as Thursday.

And I found this total dime-piece
screaming at one of the orderlies.

Hello, Frankie.

What's poppin', Howard?

My beautiful new girlfriend
told me you were in a pickle.

Oh, I wouldn't say "girlfriend."

Let's see how lunch goes.

Anyway, I was told you girls
need to lose some candy, fast.

But you screwed us over once.
Why should we trust you now?

One, I never hit a mark twice.

Two, I'm easy to catch.

We promised we'd deal with
this when Grace gets back.

Just hear what he has to say.

If the idea sucks, you
can show him the door.

But he will be here until Walden
Villas comes back with the ramp van.

I was also told that
there would be lunch.

There's a full
lunch on your shirt.

Fine. What's the play?

When I heard of your predicament,
I didn't know if I could help.

I mean, sure, I've been
in the candy game before.

Raised thousands of dollars for
my grandson's baseball team.

That's impressive.
What's his name?

- Whose name?
- Your grandson's.

What grandson? It
was a scam, Kojak.

When the La Jolla Little League
found out, they shut me down.

That's Little League.
This is the Bigs.

I got a big solution.

When I heard you were
lousy with Abba-Zabas,

it reminded me of something
I heard from an old contact.

A Norwegian candy smuggler,
Hummer Von Vuckinschloker.

He told me that Zabas
weren't sold in Norway,

which resulted in a huge
black market for them.

And once we cut in Von
Hamantaschen, what's in it for you?

How about a chance to help
a classy broad like Joanie?

Spend a few of my last precious
moments on earth with her.

And 40% off the top.

Oh.

Zero percent and you got
yourself a girlfriend.

- Robert, wake up.
- No.

Robert!

I think someone broke in.

Don't be ridiculous. We've
been right here the whole time.

Well, I'll be damned.

How can we have slept
through a robbery?

We were on sleep meds.
What the hell's his excuse?

We've gotta figure
out our strategy.

I think we can get a reduced
sentence and minimum security.

Unless we ask for total
freedom, which is a long shot.

- Minimum security.
- Total freedom.

- You want me to stay in prison?
- No. You heard what Elena said.

Minimum security
is our only option.

- I don't know that I...
- I'm paraphrasing.

But I heard if you roll the dice and
lose, they could come down harder on you.

Then you could be put away
for who knows how long.

Am I right, Elena?

- Well...
- Thank you.

It's not like it's
a real prison.

It's prison-lite. Right?
They're basically country clubs.

You'd be playing tennis
with other tax evaders.

I already do that. And if I testify
against my buddies, who'll play with me?

Well, you'll make new friends.
Like you did with Blowtorch.

You think Blowtorches grow
on trees? Tell them no deal.

We'll take the deal.

- What are you talking about?
- We gotta get real.

You do the crime,
you do the time.

No, you do the crime, you pay the
dime. That's the saying, right?

- I don't...
- Thank you.

- Don't you want me to get out?
- Of course I do.

I just don't want you to run the risk
of landing yourself in jail for longer.

This isn't something you can
just negotiate your way out of.

- Actually...
- Elena, please.

Honey, as your wife, I'm asking
you, choose the safer option.

- For me.

Wait. How did you sneak
your phone in here?

Oh, please. I'm 82. They wouldn't
pat me down if I begged them.

Frankie?

I can't do time.

There has to be some kind
of Hail Mary to get me out.

- So Grace is 82?
- Mm-hm.

I think I have an idea.

- What's going on?
- I'm taking care of business!

I'm gonna make you
so proud, mama bear.

Please tell me you're not meeting
with another manufacturer.

Nope! I'm meeting with a
Norwegian candy smuggler.

Oh, God.

We just have to face the fact
that we can't afford that house.

We'll wallow in extreme
nachos and then move on.

Damn it.

I really thought
that was the one.

Maybe it still is.

Look, I may have

our down payment

right here.

I got it from a cereal box.

Really funny.

- What are you doing?
- What are you doing?

Pull over. Where'd it go?

Dr. Dumanis was called
away on emergency,

but there's no need
to be nervous, hon.

- Dr. Green is more than capable.
- Good.

She likes to listen to
music while she operates.

- Wanna look at the options?
- Uh...

Whatever makes her hands
the steadiest is fine.

- I will play her new favorite.
- Great.

Is that Bublé?

It is.

How are we feeling
today, Mr. Bergstein?

I'm just
a wee bit nervous, innit?

More importantly, how are you?

- I'm good.
- Huzzah!

Are you currently
taking any medications?

- None me can think of, matey.
- Mm-hm.

- Oh! It's you.
- No, it's not.

Alrighty. Yeah. I will be
with you in just a second.

Thank you so much.

Nope.

Oh.

Why didn't you tell me
it was worth $30,000?

I was about to.

How was I supposed to know that
you were gonna chuck a dollar?

- Who chucks a dollar?
- I thought you were joking.

You told me you got it
out of a cereal box.

That was just the
beginning of a story.

Very often that's
your whole story.

I've had this in my
pocket since I was a kid.

Wow.

Can't believe you've
had it for so long.

You know, before I got clean, I used
to go on these benders where I'd just

disappear.

Anyway, years ago, I was
on the tail-end of one,

and I was desperate.

So I went to my dealer's house to buy
more shit, but I was a dollar short.

And the guy, he was an asshole,
he wouldn't give me anything.

So, what'd you do?

I dug through my pockets.

And found the coin.

But you still have the coin.

When I looked at
it, I remembered

how insanely happy
I was, you know?

Just to get this prize
out of a cereal box.

And there I was,
willing to throw it away

for something that was
never gonna make me happy.

So I told the guy to fuck off.

And I checked myself into rehab.

And I've been clean ever since.

Coyote, you can't
get rid of that coin.

You have to keep
it. No matter what.

No, I don't.

Because I've found something else
that makes me insanely happy.

And I wanna live in
that house with you.

- Oh!
- Oh, dear.

Oh.

Oh, my God.

What?

Some watchdog.

Ah.

That two-bit thief. Doesn't
understand the worth of a Tappy.

Oh!

This is the most embarrassing
crime I've ever seen.

- You must be Van Helsing.
- No, I am Hummer Von Vuckinschloker.

Howard says you bring the
candy. So you bring the candy?

Feast your eyes on
this, Von Shmucker.

What is this?

Candy, of course.

Where are Kit Kats?

Kit Kats? You need Zabas.
Because of the shortage.

What is this, many years ago in the
past? Zabas are everywhere since 2018.

Kit Kats are hot now.

Look, Heidi, I didn't
get in the toilet biz

to get into the candy biz to be
told I've got the wrong candy.

What the fuck is going on?

Frankie,
the candy jig is up.

We don't need that guy.

According to this
candy chat room,

there's a guy from Manila
hunting for Necco Wafers.

- Frankie, enough.
- But, Grace...

No buts. You're not a candy smuggler.
You're not a money launderer.

Not yet but I am trying.

Do you hear yourself? Even
for you, you sound crazy.

What about you?

You made your ex-husband put money
down his pants to hide it from the FBI.

I've never been prouder,
but it was bonkers.

You wanna hear bonkers? I just tried
to keep my current husband in prison.

- Well, that's just bat-shit.
- Yeah.

God. And I lied to the FBI.

I don't do that.

I went to Miss Caterwall's
Finishing School

and turned in girls for mumbling
the Pledge of Allegiance!

Jesus, Grace.

Well, I'm not proud of that.

And I'm not proud of...

Of how I've been acting lately.

When did we become these people?

You know what I think? It all started
when we took that money from the couch.

- We knew it was dirty.
- Yeah, and pretended it wasn't.

And all it's done since then
is made us lose our minds.

Oh, we were so close to
making the Rise Up happen.

I just wanted to get us
across the finish line.

We'll get there.
Just not like this.

So, what the hell do we do
with all this damn candy?

You know what? I
feel better already.

You really are our "getting
out of messes" person.

Coming from our "getting
into messes" person,

that means a lot.

Speaking of which,

if we don't return the
U-Haul, they will charge us.

- "Us"?
- You. They'll charge you.

Anyone need a turtleneck
changed into a crewneck?

V-necks are extra.

Okay. If we're gonna do this,
we'll need to set up some ground rules.

Sure thing.

- I touch yours, you don't touch mine.
- Yes, that's one.

But, also, no more jokes
until after the procedure.

You got it. I won't put you in
stitches until after the stitches.

I have to be honest. You
really need some new material.

- You think you can do better?
- Well, yes, I do.

Fine, pitch me some new jokes.
But I cut anything I don't like.

Let's just
get this over with.

Hear that, Frankie?

That's the sound
of no dirty candy.

And no fussy ex-husbands.

Just you and me, baby.

Don't people know not to
knock when I'm drinking?

Nick?

How are you here?

Elena worked a miracle.

She got me a deal that
beat minimum security.

Cute, huh? And you'll
get to see it every day

because I'm here on
house arrest with you.

And you.