Gossip Girl (2007–2012): Season 5, Episode 15 - Crazy, Cupid, Love - full transcript

Gossip Girl here,
your one and only source...

... into the scandalous lives
of Manhattan's elite.

This is my granddaughter,
Charlie Rhodes.

No one can touch me anymore.
I'm a Rhodes now.

Charlotte Rhodes? I was looking...

...for my niece with the same name.

- Did you find her?
- She was with her mother.

If they ever found out the truth
about the real Charlotte Rhodes...

...they'd never forgive me.
- I'm leaving tonight.

This time I'm not coming back.

You must be desperate to flirt with me
by doing manual labor.



I've always wanted
to load a catering van.

I love you, Dan Humphrey.
Always have, always will.

You saw the chance to be her savior,
her knight in shining armor.

You mad about Blair,
or is this about us?

- Because I haven't given you an answer.
- You just did.

Of course I love you, Chuck.
I've always loved you.

I know who sent the video
of Blair and Chuck to Gossip Girl.

It's a dirty job,
but someone's gotta do it.

There is nothing between us but a contract.
Our marriage is all for show.

You and your family will quite literally
pay a consequence.

- Or did you forget about the dowry?
- Your family cannot control mine.

Yes, they can.

I don't believe in saving myself
and ruining our family at the same time.

Where has she been?



And who am I?

That's one secret I'll never tell.

You know you love me. XOXO...

... Gossip Girl.

Another picture-perfect Valentine's Day...

... on the Upper East Side.

How am I going to celebrate?
By exposing a giant secret today...

... that's sure to break
more than a few hearts.

You can just drop those right there.
Thank you.

Miss Blair. You're back.

Oh.

I was worried you'd be locked away
in big stone tower somewhere.

And only way to speak is through smoke
signals or coded messages on Twitter.

Thankfully, Dorota, we don't need
to learn Navajo just yet.

The truth is, after our horrid
faux-honeymoon...

...Louis was glad to get back to Monaco
and be rid of me for a while.

So this mean you no longer trapped
in his evil grasp?

Not exactly.

Dorota, this is Estee...

...a.k.a. My new social secretary...

...a.k.a. My royal minder.

I call her "Creeper" for short.

Estee will be accompanying me now
on all official public outings.

Did I mention she also reads my mail
and performs nightly bed checks?

Blair's first appearance
will be this evening...

...as soon as she picks a charity gala
to make her official debut as princess.

How great is that?

Oh, wow, that's beautiful.

- Good morning. What's all this?
- It's called Valentine's Day, Dan.

I'm picking some Cartierjewelry
to give to Lily tonight.

Aren't you afraid she's gonna see it?

She's in D.C. At a fundraiser luncheon.
Won't be back till this afternoon.

And tonight, Chuck has hooked us up
with a huge suite at The Empire.

- Pretty romantic, right?
- Yeah, sounds nice.

Can I interest you in anything?
For your, uh, special lady?

Me? No, no, no.
I have no special lady this year.

Honestly, I was just coming by to pick up
those Blu-rays I let Lily borrow.

Uh... Thought maybe
I could give them to Blair.

She's back
from her honeymoon, alone, so...

So you figure
that if you, uh, drop them off...

...maybe she'll ask you
to watch with her?

Cinema has been intended
as a communal art.

Better to watch with another.

She's a married woman now.
Time to move on.

I appreciate the advice, but I'm just
being a friend. Doesn't mean anything.

Okay.

I can't stand seeing all these happy people
smiling, holding hands, kissing.

- Don't remind me.
- It's natural you and I...

... feel this anti-Valentine's Day.

It hasn't been a banner year for us
in the romance department.

The person you love told you they felt
the same. Mine didn't even respond.

The good news is this outsized
outpouring display of public affection...

...will be over tomorrow.
New Yorkers can go back to being...

...their usual cold, callous selves.
Hang in there.

Heh. Yeah, you too.

I love them.

- Sorry. Have a good day.
- I doubt that.

- Hey. Guess the honeymoon's over.
- Just the person I wanted to see.

- I can't talk now, I'm busy.
- Wait, wait. Stop.

I will not allow us
to go on living like this together.

The way I see it, I am mad at you...

...for sending that video of me
and Chuck to Gossip Girl.

You are mad at me
for running off with Dan.

So they cancel each other out.

Actually, yours was way worse.
I only needed a ride. The point is...

Blair, I didn't release the video
to Gossip Girl.

You took the fall for us?

It seemed like the right thing
to do at the time.

Since you were clearly looking out
for my best interests...

...I forgive you.
Now can you forgive me...

...for using your wedding date
as a getaway driver?

- Well, I was never really mad at you.
- Okay.

Tell me what incredible,
romantic plans you have for today.

Oh. You know, just interviewing
a 70-year-old avowed celibate woman...

...for my "All the Reasons I Hate
Valentine's Day" column.

Trying to figure out
ways not to become her.

That sounds like an absolutely awful
Valentine's Day.

They've all been awful
for the past few years.

- The last good one was in high school...
- Hey.

- Oh, you were about to say with him.
- I have to go.

Heard you were back,
suspected you might not have plans.

So I thought I would, uh...

...drop off some movies.
- Oh.

I could come back and watch them
with you, under the radar.

That is sweet, but I actually already
have plans to go back on the radar.

You should too.
Go out with someone. Have fun.

I haven't had a real date
on Valentine's Day...

...since, uh...
Since high school with, well, Serena.

I gotta go meet Alessandra
at Fig & Olive to discuss my next opus.

- So have a nice night.
- You too, Dan.

Dorota!

I am suddenly feeling inspired. Which is
why I want to upgrade my royal status...

...from princess to queen. Of hearts.

What that mean exactly?

It means I will do everything in my power
to get Dan and Serena together.

- Hello?
- Lola, hey. It's Nate.

- Who?
- Archibald. From the wedding.

Oh, that Nate. The one I don't remember
giving my number to.

Well, I might have put a little
pressure on your boss.

Blackmailing bosses is the reason
I didn't give you my number.

Hey, I only offered him
some free advertising in The Spectator.

Technically, that's more of a bribe.
Either way, what are you doing tonight?

Whatever excuse you're about to give,
I'm gonna poke holes in it.

Have any idea how cheesy it is
to ask a girl out...

...for a first date on Valentine's Day?
- I prefer bold and charming to cheesy...

Also, did you forget
that I'm a cater-waiter?

Because Valentine's is one of
our busiest nights.

- Thanks for asking.
- Lola?

Okay, Tina.
My other informants have come up...

...with nothing but a new princess
under surveillance...

...a lonely boy with no plans,
and a dog lover who hates the holiday.

Tell me you have something better.

I'm afraid not. Nate can't even get
a cater-waiter to go out with him.

What the hell
am I paying you people for?

What am I gonna do?

Under my stewardship, Gossip Girl
is but a shell of her former self...

...like AOL or Courtney Love.

The way to remedy this
is with a scandal to end all scandals.

You have a scandal.

Dan's the one who sent you that video...

...of Chuck and Blair at Blair's wedding.
With that to hold over his head...

...you could get Dan
to do almost anything.

Philip. It's cute when you pay attention.

But if I'm going to load up Dan
like a hirsute hand grenade...

...I need everyone to be there
when he detonates.

It was easier to stir stuff up
when we were in high school...

...and at the same place all the time.

- No.
- Too bad you can'tjump...

...into a time machine
and go back to high school then, huh?

Oh.

Sweetie, I knew I married you for a reason.
Besides your money.

Why didn't you tell me about the party?

- Which party?
- The "Come As You Were" party tonight.

It's all over Gossip Girl.
Dress as your high-school self.

That's awesome. I wish you would have
given me more notice.

I have to deck the place out,
get gift bags...

Tina, I'm not throwing a party.
This is someone's idea of a joke.

- It is?
- Yeah.

Too bad, because that would have been
great publicity for The Spectator.

Although, it would've been impossible
to find a caterer this last minute.

Wait, wait, wait.
You know what, why not?

It is a good idea.
See what you can pull together.

And, uh, I'll handle the caterer.

Guess what, boys and girls.

Looks like school's back in session.
The question is:

Have you learned your lessons?

Let's hope not. Because I'm in the mood
to see someone fail.

- Charlie?
- Rufus, hi.

Are you okay? What are you doing here?
We were so worried about you.

No, I'm fine. I'm totally fine.

I probably should have
called weeks ago...

...but, uh, is Lily here?

She's, uh, on her way back from D.C.,
but I'm sure she'd love to see you.

I'd love to see her too.
I'm only in town for a few hours...

...on my way to Europe.

I just wanted to explain to her
in person why I left so abruptly.

- Yeah. So why did you leave so...?
- It's personal.

No offense, it's just I'd rather
tell her on my own.

You're welcome to stay
and wait till she gets back.

Thanks.

You know, I've been, uh, keeping up on
what's been happening here since I left...

...through Serena's blog
and Gossip Girl.

I can't believe Blair went through
with her marriage to Louis.

I really thought she was gonna
end up with Chuck.

Between us,
I think she may have wanted to.

Let's just say while love is a very
complicated thing, so are prenups.

- Hmm.
- Speaking of love and prenups...

...I have to pick up a few things
for Lily for tonight.

Uh, so stick around,
she should be back soon.

See you.

Thanks.

Thank you.

- What are you doing here?
- I'm supposed to meet...

...a lovely elderly woman who is going
to tell me the joys of chastity.

But apparently she's late.
What about you?

I'm meeting my book agent,
who is also late.

Serena, I'm sorry. I should have...

Dan, please, we don't have to discuss this.
Let's try to move past it, okay?

Can I interest you both
in a glass of Dom, on the house?

It's a special Valentine's gift
to all our guests.

Sure. I guess one glass wouldn't hurt.

Not our fault our dates are late.

Step one is accomplished.
The thaw has begun.

Like beautiful Polish spring.

Now on to step two.

Really?

She did? No, I totally understand.

No. All right. Yeah. Have a nice day too.

- What was that?
- The catering company.

I specifically asked for Lola
from the wedding.

Turns out she has a note in her file that
says she can't work events at The Spectator.

- What did you do to her, Nathaniel?
- I didn't do anything.

She was the reason I agreed
to do the party in the first place.

- Maybe I should cancel.
- You're doing all this for a girl?

If she won't work at The Spectator,
would she work at The Empire?

Not if she knew I was throwing it.

As much as I absolutely
loathe this day...

...I can't deny my best friend
a chance at true love.

I'll be overseeing the usual festivities
downstairs in the bar...

...but I'll host your party up here,
I'll call the catering company myself.

Really, you don't mind?

Oh. That's great, man. Thank you.

Excuse me.

We just wanted to tell you
we think you make a lovely couple.

- Who, us?
- Oh. No, we're not...

Guess how many years
we've been together.

- Fifty-four.
- You're supposed to let them guess.

High-school sweethearts.
Been together since.

Best 54 years of my life.

- I don't think we ordered this.
- Also on the house for all our guests.

I don't see any other tables with this.

It's strange neither one
of our meetings showed up.

Alessandra said someone left her
a voicemail saying I was canceling.

Same with the virgin.
She called to reschedule.

I wonder who could be
manipulative enough...

...to call these people
and get away with it.

It's too bad it's not Valentine's Day
more than once a year.

I could really make a serious go
at this Cupid thing.

Yes, "Operation: Darena"
going very smooth.

Now that they're talking again...

...we need a way to get
them to Nate's party tonight.

Once they see each other
in uniforms...

...how could old feelings
not come back?

It's true. You never forget first love.
I remember mine. Kazimierz.

Once, he took me out
into sugar beet field...

Thank God.

Nate's party has been moved
to The Empire.

I told Estee we'd stop by,
but there's no way...

...I can bring a royal minder
to my ex's apartment.

Looks like you'll have to wear
a school uniform...

...and play Cupid in my place.
- Oh, no.

This is very bad plan.

Damn! Nate's party has been moved
a suite at The Empire.

So?

So he lives with Chuck.

I doubt Blair is gonna risk running
into her ex with a royal minder in tow.

When I drop my bomb, the person
it would hurt the most won't be there.

Damn!

Oh, no.

This better not be someone
telling me Serena's bailing.

I hooked up a doorman
at the van der Woodsens'...

... with Knicks tickets a couple years ago.
Best decision I ever made.

He saw something
that might be of interest to you.

Does she know that I'm gone?

Okay, well, uh, tell her
I'm running an errand...

...and I'll be back in a few hours.

Okay, thanks.

I'm sorry, but, um,
no one's home right now.

Charlotte Rhodes.

I'm hurt. You don't remember me?

I met you at the Constance party when
you were pretending to be mentally ill.

Although you're still hanging
around here, so maybe you really are.

Heh. Right. Georgina, is it?

I gave you my number,
but you never called.

When I heard you were back in town...

...I thought I'd come by
and catch you in person.

Especially since you have a habit
of bolting so quickly from places.

So, what are you doing here?

Just in town for a brief visit. That's all.

- Anybody know you're back?
- Only Rufus...

...and I'd appreciate it
if it stayed that way.

No problem.

Just give me some gossip.

- Or are you gossip enough?
- Look, Georgina, I just got here.

- I don't know anything.
- Oh. Come on, now.

You're part of the family,
you must know something.

All I know is that Blair and Louis
signed some sort of a prenup.

But in this town, that's hardly news.

You know, you really
should have called me.

We could've had a lot of fun.

Well, at least now I can.

Philip, find out who represents
the Grimaldi family in New York...

...and meet me there.

Oh, and we're probably going to have
to file for divorce.

Looks like Gossip Girl
just got her first Valentine's Day gift.

Hey, how was your lunch
with the Vestal virgin?

Helpful and informative,
or ghost of V-Day future?

Stop. I know you canceled my interview
and set me up with Dan.

An act of goodwill.
Because I can't have love in my own life...

...doesn't mean I shouldn't bring it
to people I care about.

Dan doesn't have feelings for me,
there's nothing that will change that.

Not some champagne,
or dazzling dessert.

Not even two fake old people in love?

- They weren't real?
- Actors equity.

But you're wrong.
Do you know what Dan said to me?

Same thing you did.
His last good Valentine's Day...

...was in high school, with you.

There's still a glimmer of hope.

It's never going to happen,
but thank you for trying.

Wait, wait, wait.

Why don't you come with me
and my new royal minder...

...to the Cardiac Ball tonight?
We can bond over our broken hearts...

...while looking at people
with actual broken hearts.

Thank you, but I think
I'll just stay home, eat lots of gelato...

...and write about how true love
is nothing but a myth.

I wanted to stop by
and tell you in person...

...I'm not gonna make it tonight.
- Come on, man.

You too? Chuck's gonna be working.
Blair and Serena are no-shows.

What's up?
You have a hot date or something?

Hardly. Blair's trying
to set me up with Serena.

Which reminded me I didn't
have a great time in high school.

- I'm not eager to relive it.
- Before you say no...

...there's gonna be grown women
dressed like schoolgirls.

I know, I'm sorry. I can't make it.

If it makes you feel better,
I will totally sign your yearbook.

Heh. No, it doesn't.

What is it?

It's, um, something strange.

I love you, Chuck.
I've always loved you.

Um...

On second thought, I will come.
Who doesn't like schoolgirls?

Yes.

Hello.

Have you heard from Lily?

It's getting late
and I really need to catch my flight.

Charlie, I feel terrible.

She's headed straight to, uh, The Empire.
I'm meeting her there now.

Can I swing by there
on my way to the airport?

- Do you want to just call her?
- No!

- It's really important.
- Uh, okay. I'll tell her you're on your way.

I know. You're mad at me
for trying to set you up with Serena.

Not really. We had a nice time today.

Which got me thinking
that there may be hope for us yet.

I knew it. I knew there was still
something between you.

Now, go ask her to Nate's party. Oh.

Guitar Hero in one suite,
a sushi bar in the other?

A girl get beaned with a Nairtini...

...or someone uses a secret key
to sneak into the pool.

Just like old times.

Romantic. Might be better to explore
whatever future we might have...

...without the pressure of a real date,
you know?

What do you mean?

You did such a good job playing Cupid,
I thought you could do it again.

So why don't you come with us?

Mm. I would love to help, but I've got
this royal pain in the ass from Monaco...

...who's watching, so I don't think
it's a good idea to bring her to Chuck's.

What better place to bring her?
You can prove Chuck is no threat.

Nate said he's probably
not even gonna be there tonight.

- Chuck won't be there?
- No.

Fine. I'll make us swing by quickly
on the way to the Cardiac Ball.

- Butjust to drop her and go, okay?
- Thanks. I'll see you there.

I can't believe
everything in Blair's prenup.

Money, chateaus, portraits.

- Real estate, yachts, jewels.
- She owns half a museum?

Pay dirt. It says here if Blair defaults
on the marriage in any way...

...the Waldorf family will owe the royals
so much money they'll be bankrupt.

And this helps us how?

We're going to show the world
what Blair really thinks of her vows.

And we're gonna use Dan to do it.

Look out, B.

You may be trying to play Cupid...

... but all the arrows
are pointed right at you.

You were the one

Waving flares in the air

So they could see you

Cruel

Cruel

Okay, so please tell me again
why we're here...

...why I'm dressed like this,
and why you're not.

Your last good Valentine's Day
was in high school.

Since taking you to an actual
Constance-St. Jude party...

...felt wrong on too many levels...

...I'm taking you to the next best thing:
A simulation.

Yeah, but I feel strange
and people are looking at me.

Trust me, S,
I have a big surprise for you tonight.

Cruel

Isn't this your ex-boyfriend,
Charles Bass', hotel?

We're coming here on Valentine's Day?

- I hardly think the royal family would...
- Listen, Estee.

We are dropping by so I can do one nice
thing before heading to the Cardiac Ball.

Chuck Bass is not a threat.

And I think it's important
for the world to see...

- Chuck, what are you doing here?
- Just leaving.

Enjoy your evening, ladies.

See that? We're friends now.
We've put it all behind us.

So feel free to alert the media
if you want.

Where'd you get your body from?
Baby, where'd you get your body from?

I got it from my mama

I got it from my mama
I got it from my mama

Classy party, Blair.
Is this the type of dignified function...

...I can be looking forward to attending?

Trust me, we'll be leaving momentarily.

Since Bass seems to be the issue here,
why don't I keep my eye on him?

Downstairs with people
not wearing plaid or eating Jell-O.

Honey lookin'good
From her head to her toe

She 24, she could be a model

So beautiful, also natural

Mommy lookin'good
From her head to her feet

She 44, but she still lookin'sweet

And you can tell her daughter
Ain't even at her peak

You didn't want to work a party at
The Spectator, so this isn't The Spectator.

Wait. Just hear me out.

I think I did a pretty good job
of addressing your concerns.

We're not having some cheesy
Valentine's date here.

You get to see my world up close,
maybe change your mind about it.

And you don't have to miss work
if you don't want to.

Ladies, ladies

Just say a quick hello. You have to.

Serena would kill me if she knew
I saw you and didn't drag you upstairs.

- Dan, I told you I really don't have time...
- It's too late.

Hey, look who I saw racing through
the lobby as I was listening to St. Vincent.

What are you doing here? Where
have you been the past three months?

I know. I just felt really overwhelmed
and guilty...

...about the car accident.

Especially since Chuck and Blair
were leaving my party when it happened.

So I went back to Florida.

But, uh... You know, honestly,
I shouldn't be here right now.

I came to apologize to your mom
on my way to catching a flight.

- Do you have her room...?
- I'll text her. Don't worry.

But first you have to tell me
all about the past three months...

...and what's it like living
with Carol again.

- Oh, excuse me.
- Ooh, sorry.

- Okay.
- What are you doing?

Hold still.
Serena really digs that outsider thing.

So I'm helping. BTW, this tie didn't work
in high school...

...and it doesn't work now.

So here's what I'm thinking. Take Serena
somewhere quiet, like Nate's room.

Wait. I don't think
I can go through with this.

You're really nervous, which is cute.
It is like high school all over again.

Listen, you have nothing
to worry about, Dan.

Serena already likes you.
You know that.

Look, I'm telling you.
Just be your charming, wonderful self...

...like you've been with me all year.
- You think I've been wonderful?

Heh. You kidding me? Look at everything
we've been through together.

You kept it a secret
when I found out I was pregnant...

...shielded me so I could deal with my
paternity test, brought me to a priest.

You wrote Louis' vows for him and then
you saved me from my own wedding.

- Do I need to go on?
- No.

So...

If you're that guy with Serena,
how could she not love you?

You gonna make your move or what?

I will be right back.

- I really do. I mean it.
- Charlie, welcome back.

- Serena, can we talk?
- Yeah, of course.

Promise to call the moment
you get back from Europe, okay?

I will. Promise.

- Charlie.
- Hey.

Ivy.

Ivy.

It's Charlotte Rhodes from Florida.
We took that acting class together.

Uh, yeah, Charlotte.

Hi. It's good to see you.

What are you doing here?

I was about to ask you
that same question.

- So Dan is looking for you.
- Blair, that's not funny.

I'm notjoking.
That was my big surprise.

He thought your lunch date went great,
and he wants to explore things further.

Now, I'm leaving, so go find him
and see what happens.

Go.

Georgina.

- You're Gossip Girl?
- What? Heh. No.

No, that's the most ridiculous thing
I've ever heard.

Oh.

Unh. Okay.

I'm not Gossip Girl. I just...
I work for her.

Believe me,
the job is a lot harder than I thought.

Your blackmailing days are over.

If you tell anyone that I leaked that video
of Blair and Chuck...

...I'll tell that you're
Gossip Girl's henchman.

Don't you think you're overreacting?
I was trying to help your relationship...

...by getting you to finally kiss Blair.

I couldn't handle the lack of action.

All those endless pauses
and pained stares.

So boring.
She wants you to kiss her too.

The fact that you haven'tjust done it
would be shocking if you weren't you.

Dan.

Georgina.

- What is going on?
- Everything's fine.

Georgina was just leaving,
weren't you?

Yes, I was.
This party is so 2007 anyway.

What are you doing here?
Aren't you supposed to be at some gala?

I still had this.

And I just need to know one thing.
I sent Serena to look for you.

Am I just setting her up
for disappointment?

- Do you want us to get back together?
- I just want you to be happy.

Tell me what would
make you happy, Dan.

Wait.

Georgina.

Sorry, S...

... looks like your seven minutes
in heaven...

... just turned into seven seconds
from hell.

I don't know what good it serves

But I, I, I, I

I don't wanna be a cheerleader

Charlie Trout.

Drinking by himself on Valentine's Day.
Look out.

- Do I know you?
- Yeah, Alessandra.

We met at Dan's book party.

I have a vague memory.

Well, it's a good thing I have a vivid one.

I'm here with a bunch of single girlfriends
and it is super depressing.

Buy me a drink.

Unless...

Forgive the drunken brazenness here...

...but what do you say we head to your
room and make this holiday go away?

Thanks.

But maybe last year.

Oh, my God. What is wrong with me?

I was trying to get you together.
That's what you wanted.

- It's not my fault he kissed me.
- Not your fault?

- You sound like you're in high school.
- Says the girl in the uniform.

Did you not believe me
that I didn't send that video out?

- Of course I believed you.
- Okay, well, then what is it?

You just wanna take away something
that matters? Did you care about Dan?

B, how many times can we fight
like this? Aren't you sick of it?

People keep fighting about things until
it breaks them apart. Maybe we're there.

- There you are. We really have to go.
- I couldn't agree more.

The last thing my mother wanted
was for me to be an actress...

...let alone live in New York City.

So I applied to Juilliard
behind her back.

Now while she thinks I'm busy
rushing sororities at Michigan State...

...I'm actually here taking classes
and going by Lola...

...and working jobs like this one
to make ends meet.

But what about you?
Are you acting out here?

Yeah. Yeah, kind of.

I mean, you know,
I got cast in this one part.

And it paid really well,
but it took a lot longer than I expected...

...and then it was way more complicated
than I thought.

Has anyone ever told you two
how much you look alike?

- You could almost be sisters.
- My mom used to say the same thing.

- You remember her, don't you?
- No. No, not really.

And I didn't realize
how late it was getting.

So I'm going to go.

You know, we should
exchange numbers sometime.

I'd say an apology is in order...

...after your "I'm not comfortable
in your world" talk...

...because you knew someone
at my party.

Yeah, you're right. You're right.
I stand corrected.

But why was Ivy Dickens here anyway?

Oh, she's my friend's cousin.
Her real name's Charlie Rhodes.

- I'm sorry, real name?
- Yeah, you didn't know?

Her mom's this woman who made her
go by the name Ivy Dickens growing up.

Must've been when you knew her.
After spring, she got to go by her real name.

And that name is Charlie Rhodes?

Yeah, why?

- Give it.
- Give me one reason...

...why I shouldn'tjust smash this phone
on the floor right now.

Fine.

No problem. I've already e-mailed myself
the picture anyway.

Doesn't matter. You can't do anything.

The second you do, I'll just out you
as the Gossip Girl spy you are.

Ugh.

I'm not her spy, you idiot. I am her.

Watching you and Blair squirm
with unfulfilled desire...

...is way more fun than any damage
one picture could cause.

What does that mean?

It means that the girl you love finally
gave you a sign that she likes you back.

And there's not a damn thing
either of you can do about it...

...without destroying not only Blair's
marriage, but her family's entire future.

- Her family? I don't understand.
- She didn't tell you about her prenup?

Heh. If Blair defaults in marriage...

...the dowry she'd owe
would bankrupt Eleanor.

And, sweetie, if Blair hated you
for being poor before...

...imagine how much she'd hate you
for making her poor too.

But, I, I, I, I

I don't wanna be a cheerleader no more

I, I, I, I

I don't wanna be a cheerleader

I have something I think you'd like to see.

And in your bedroom, no less.
Has she no decency?

Anyway, Happy Valentine's Day.

Blair. Blair, wait a second.

Just give me one minute. Sorry.

Why didn't you tell me about the prenup?
That why you went with Louis?

I just can't risk my family's future
like that.

I have no choice but to stay trapped
in my marriage for a year.

- So your feelings for Louis...
- Are all business.

How about your feelings for me?

That kiss, it wasn't like last year.
You kissed me back.

- I felt it.
- Doesn't matter what you think you felt.

Because Serena's my best friend
and I would never do anything to hurt her.

I'm sorry if I gave you
the wrong impression.

Have a happy Valentine's Day.

Amazing.
You got exactly what you wanted.

So, what are you waiting for? Use it.

If I post this picture, Dan will out me.

I'm not sure I'm willing to give up
being Gossip Girl over one little kiss.

So, what are we gonna do?

Dan knows how Blair feels
about him now.

Which means the more they can't,
the more they'll want to.

It won't be long before they're doing
far worse things than kissing.

Speaking of...

I'm kind of digging
this whole high-school look.

Oh, well, it is Valentine's Day...

...and you have been
uncharacteristically helpful today.

Sure, why not?

Oh. Not it.

I know I promised you all
I'd expose a giant secret today.

And I didn't deliver.

But isn't that what Valentine's Day
is all about?

Hopes dashed, feelings hurt,
relationships severed.

It's a day filled
with crushing disappointments...

I want you to know...

...I'm interested
in more than your body, Alessandra.

I'm interested in your work too.

Tell me,
what it's like being a book agent...

...and working with my good friend Dan?

... where it's easy to take
advantage of the vulnerable and lonely.

While some continue to pine over
those great unrequited loves...

... others can't help but feel
like they somehow got totally screwed.

How was your errand?

Unfortunately, I wasn't able to finish it.

How is she doing? Is she okay?

I'm worried there's not much time left.

She really cares about you.

Wouldn't stop talking about you
while you were gone.

Mrs. Rhodes is up right now
if you'd like to talk to her.

And while it'd be nice to
believe that most Valentine's Days end well...

... we all know they are far more likely
to end in heartbreak.

XOXO, Gossip Girl.