Good Neighbors (1975–1978): Season 4, Episode 2 - The Green Door - full transcript

TOM: Ready?

Go.

12 yards.

Right.

Now, then. Allowing for your little legs,
we'll call that 14. All right?

Now, mine was 11. Allowing for my giant,
athletic strides, we'll call that ten.

That's only because you can't multiply by 11.

I'll ignore that.

Now, then. That'll be, what, 140 square yards?

Let's say £1 per yard is...

£140.



I know that.

The point is, where do we get £140 of manure?

Do we know any elephants?

I wish we did. This is just the front garden.

The back garden, plus the allotment -
that's a lot of manure.

Well, we can't expect our animals
to increase production.

They're already keeping the generator going.

Well, we've got to revitalise this soil.

We can't keep taking away without putting
something back. How's the petty cash?

- Petty.
- I thought it might be.

(Car engine)

Hello, hello. HRH is back.

- Oh, hello.
- Hello, Margo.

I like you in those jodhpurs, Margo.



- What's up?
- Well, go on.

Presumably, you're about to deliver one
of your "funny", in inverted commas, remarks.

No. I like you in those jodhpurs
because they're very sexy.

Oh, thank you, Tom. Silly, but thank you.

You are looking very trim, Margo.
Have you lost some weight?

Yes, I have. Thank you.

Oh, would you like a cup of tea?

- Yes, please.
- Are you going to bring it out to us?

I'm afraid not, Tom. I don't allow
my cups and saucers in the front garden.

I hain't half honoured
to be livin' next door to 'er.

As long as there's a Margo,
there'll always be an England!

(Chuckles) Yeah, as long as there's a Margo,
there'll always be a pony club.

- Pony club.
- Pony club?

Dung. Dung.

Dung!

Margo!

No. Absolutely positively and definitely no.

- Don't hedge, Margo. Give us a straight answer.
- I have.

I simply will not countenance your skulking
round the pony club like Burke and Hare.

They pinched bodies, not horse...

Don't say it.

You have already said that word eight times
in this kitchen. You know very well what I mean.

But we need it for the garden.

Then go elsewhere for it.

Thank you, Tom.

I don't know why you're being
So possessive about it - I mean horse dung.

Nine times. And I am not being possessive.

Are you frightened
we'll let down the tone of the place?

Yes. Now, can we drop the subject, please?

I thought they'd be glad to get rid of it.
Must be mountains of it.

That's not the point. The point is that you would
go roaring up there on that contraption of yours,

probably frighten the horses
and certainly offend the members.

- We wouldn't.
- You would.

Look, we'd say "please” and "thank you".

Yes, I'm sure you would -
in between silly bouts of mock-mock-mock.

- I can be very restrained when I want to be.
- You cannot. I know you too well.

Much too well.

Look, what if I go by myself?

I'll even wear my posh frock, if you want me to.

I'm sorry to say this, Barbara,
but you're getting as bad as Tom.

You simply have to say,
"I'll even wear my posh frock, if you want me to."

It's ridiculous to present a picture
of a woman in evening dress shovelling...

- .what we're talking about.
- I was only joking.

- Exactly.
- Oh, Margo!

Blimey, the pony club isn't Buckingham Palace.

There is no need to bring the Palace into this.

All right. Now, look. Taking your point...
I can't actually say I've seen one to take yet.

We're talking about getting something we need.

Well, then, we're not gonna queer our pitch
by turning up in clown's trousers and red noses.

My answer is still no.

But why are you being so obstructive?
You haven't given us any real reason.

Very well. I'll give you a reason.

If you set foot in that pony club,
I shall never speak to either of you again.

Now look what you've done.
Made her run out of cigarettes.

Good. Well, what do we do now?

Well, it's obvious. Margo has spoken.

But she doesn't own the pony club,
so we'll go, anyway.

(Snooty accent) I say, I say.
Jolly good tack room, this. What, old love?

Best I've seen
since I was cashiered from the Lancers.

- (Whispers) Stop it!
- I say, do you ride long or short?

I used to ride long, but my legs got so bandy,
I'm riding short now.

- Tom, stop clowning!
- Sorry. No, I mustn't.

Look...

Look at the size of that!

It's huge.

Must belong to Mrs Dooms-Patterson.

- The Two Ton Tessie of the pony club.
- (Laughs)

Oh, my God! However big must her horse be?

(Both laugh)

Hello! Sorry to keep you waiting.

You wanted to see me. I'm Mrs Holman.

(Sniggering) I'm sorry - it's no good!

Look, can you see something I can't?

No, we've just got a bit of the giggles!

Oh.

Oh, you must know Mrs Dooms-Patterson.

- Yes!
- It is hers.

To tell the truth, I have to hide in a loosebox
every time she mounts up.

I just can't watch any more!

How does she get on the horse?
Do you use a winch?

Not yet. So far, we manage
with a mounting block and two strong grooms!

Er... we have got it right?
You do own these stables?

Yes. Why?

Well, I thought
everybody here would be strait-laced.

You can't run a riding stables
and be strait-laced - believe me.

You see too many funny things!

- Like Mrs Dooms-Patterson?
- Exactly! Well, I erm...

Oh, sorry. We're Tom and Barbara Good.

- Ah.
- Have you heard of us, then?

Oh, I think everybody in Surbiton's heard of you.

Oh, really? Really? What do people say, then?

Well, some people say,
"(Cheerfully) Yes, I know them."

And other people say,
"(Gloomily) Yes, I know them."

Anyway, the thing is, as you know,
we are self-sufficient.

- Yes.
- And we wondered if you would help us out.

Those two statements don't really go together.

No, they don't.

Sorry - I was nitpicking. What can I do for you?

Well, it's about manure.
You've got it and we want it.

- Oh, help yourselves!
- Just like that?

Well, I'm only too pleased to get rid of the stuff.

As you can imagine,
it's like painting the Forth Bridge.

- Yes, it would be!
- I hate to spoil the simplicity of all this,

but there is one complication.

- What's that?
- Well, we live next door to Margo Leadbetter.

- Oh, I know Margo.
- Living next to her isn't a complication,

but... in this case, it is.

- I'm sorry. l...
- Well, we want to keep this between ourselves,

if possible, without letting her know.

- Oh, we can do that easily.
- Yes, but with her coming to ride twice a week...

- No, she doesn't.
- What?

Well, she used to, but we haven't seen her now
for a couple of months.

Oh.

- Waarghh!
- (Shrieks)

"I am the ghost of Jacob Marley."

(As Eamonn Andrews)
"Yes, Ebenezer Scrooge, this is your life."

Twit! What are the chains for?

I'm making a new lead for the goat.

Let's see her bite through this.

- Where on earth did you get it from?
- From my tin box in the cellar.

It contains all those things
that might come in handy one day.

- The tin box you laugh at.
- Are your soldiers still in there?

Yes.

- What would they come in handy for?
- They could be worth a lot one day.

Why don't you admit
that you just like playing with them?

A clip on this end, a loop on the other,
and that should do fine.

(Knock at door)

Tom, could I borrow your slide rule?

Yeah, course. You can keep it, if you like.
Where did I put it, Barbara?

In the cellar. In your tin box. With your soldiers.

(Jerry chuckles)

- Drop of pea pod, Jerry?
- Oh... well, just a drop.

Oh... what a day!

- London Bridge?
- Hour and 20 minutes tonight.

Good gracious! You know, it's amazing to me
why JUM doesn't fly you home by helicopter.

Well, of course, some American companies...

Oh, yes, very funny.

No, it's not just the travelling.
I've got an awful lot on at the moment.

- Well, delegate.
- Oh, yes.

And let some ladder-climbing junior executive
use me as a rung? No, thank you.

- You'll get ulcers.
- I don't mind ulcers,

so long as I get Sir's chair when he retires.

Here you are, Jerry.
What do you want to use it for?

I was telling Barbara -
got an awful lot of work on. Brought some home.

Never take work home. Thin end of the wedge.

That's rich,
from someone who works at home all the time.

Well, they made us and threw the mould away.

Very wise.
No, I know bringing work home's a bit antisocial.

Still, Margo doesn't mind.
She's got plenty of interests of her own.

- Yes.
- Like today. Always goes riding Wednesdays.

- Did she tell you that?
- Doesn't have to. Just always does.

- Yes, of course.
- Course she does.

Quite handy, really. She was dog-tired
when she came home tonight.

Hot bath and straight to bed!

Not that I mind.
I'm just pleased she's had a good time.

What are you doing?

- Me too, Jerry.
- Well, I prefer it from you, but why?

- Nothing.
- Nothing.

I see.

Ha...

How are you, Jerry, nowadays?
You know - life and so on.

- All right.
- He's a funny old man, isn't he, life?

- Is he?
- Oh, yes.

Oh, yes, indeed. Yes.
He's always there, isn't he?

And when you're cruising along, he sticks
his foot out and you fall flat on your face.

- In the water?
- Water?

Well, if you're cruising, you're in a boat.

- Tom's right, though.
- I don't know what he's talking about.

Well, just asking how you are, Jerry.

Well, tell him I was all right. Not so sure now.

And er... Margo - is she all right?

Yes, as far as I know.

- And you and Margo. Are you all right?
- Oh, my God!

Look, we don't go in for these
soul-searching sessions.

We just go along on our parallel lines.

Close, but parallel.

Now and again we touch, cross over,
and then off we go, parallel again.

I just don't see the reason
for the sudden concern.

We're not concerned, Jerry.
That's the last thing we are.

Well, we are concerned, because we care,
but we're not worried-concerned.

Good.

Well, I think I'd like to go home now.

- Jerry...
- Yes?

There's always a bed for you here. You know.

Look, Tom. There's Margo.

Not going riding again?

She looks positively furtive.

Well, it's none of our business, is it?

Quite right.

Let's go and have a look.

No name, no sign, no nothing.

Well, it's probably a private flat.

(Goat bleats)

Well, it's obvious, isn't it?

Margo has got a bloke.

Only a man would think that was obvious.

- Why?
- Well, without making any generalisations,

all men seem to think
that women are totally preoccupied with them.

All right, then. What else could it be?

Well, I don't know.
I've been racking my brains all afternoon.

I can't think of anything... Probably another man.

- I just said that.
- But I said "probably". You seem to be certain.

All right. Look at the facts.

Margo goes off twice a week,
overtly to the pony club...

...and ends up behind that green door.

Well, I just hate jumping to obvious conclusions.

Well, we didn't get far with the unobvious ones.

'She's joined another pony club
and doesn't want anyone to know," we said.

You're hardly likely to get a pony club
above a shop.

- Never get the horses up the stairs.
- Quite.

Then there was my idea of a coven.

Can you really see Margo
prancing around a pentacle in the nuddy?

Not really, no. No, I can't.

You see, that's the trouble.
I can't really see Margo having an affair.

- Well, she's a woman.
- Well, I know she's a woman.

Well, women are not always
what they appear to be.

- I'm not exactly one-dimensional myself.
- Well, we're not talking about you.

All right.
Let's keep female inscrutability out of this.

Anyway, it's a rotten thing
to be talking about at all. I mean... Margo.

- What about Jerry?
- Yes. Poor Jerry.

Hello!

Barbara,
why have you taken to doing this of late?

I mean, I like it, but why?

Just saying hello.

If every woman I knew said hello to me like this,
Margo would have 40,000 fits.

What are you up to now? What have I said?

Nothing, mate. Come and sit down, mate.

Before you go off at some mad tangent,
I've got something to tell you.

- We're listening, mate.
- And stop calling me "mate".

Now, the point is...

It's about Margo.

Well, Margo and me, actually.

Look, will you just listen
to what I've got to tell you?

Unless, of course, we're going to have a seance.

Now, strangely, something did occur to me
the other evening, through all your gibbering.

- What?
- You seem to have got the feeling

that something was wrong
between me and Margo.

No! No, we can be very wild and irresponsible.

- We gibber an awful lot.
- Pursuing my own line of thought,

I think I know what it is that's wrong - me.

- You?
- No.

Yes. Well, I said it myself, didn't 1?

Margo and I go along parallel lines,
which now and again touch.

Well, I've realised
that we don't touch often enough.

- Sex isn't everything, Jerry.
- I'm not talking about sex.

I'm talking about sharing Margo's interests,
instead of simply tolerating them.

Oh... mate!

Do I look like a teddy bear?

- No.
- Well, will you please stop cuddling me?

Jerry, we love you. We can't stand you
blaming yourself and torturing yourself...

Oh, for goodness' sake! I'm not pouring
my heart out about an emotional crisis.

I just had an idea, and in my innocence,
I thought I'd tell you what I've decided to do.

- We're listening, mate.
- Oh, good. Makes a refreshing change.

Right. I've decided to join the pony club.

- No!
- (Shrieks) No!

- You're too old.
- It's dangerous!

- Oh, don't be ridiculous.
- No. You don't know horses, Jerry.

They kick and bite and scratch.

- Scratch?
- Oh, yes, yes.

With their hooves, like that.

Yes, awful. They're awful.
And think of your career.

Here you are,
one cheek of your behind on Sir's chair.

You go up to those stables.
They put you on some mad stallion.

Wallop! Off work for six months.
You'll be lucky to go back as a packer.

Well, that doesn't happen
to all those Thelwell children you see.

- Well, they have soft bones. They bounce.
- You're old, Jerry. Your bones are brittle.

- Thank you very much.
- Join Margo's music society. It's much safer.

- I can't sing.
- None of them can sing.

Anyway, they'd put me in the back row next to
Miss Mountshaft. She reeks of camphorated oil.

- The Conservative Club.
- I'm already in that.

No, the pony club's best.
I need a bit of exercise, anyway.

- But you hate exercise.
- True.

Why not talk it over with Margo first?

That's the point. I'm going to surprise her.

(Laughs nervously)

And when... when were you thinking of joining?

- Immediately.
- Oh, no, think it over for a few months.

No, if I do, I shall change my mind,
and I don't intend to do that.

No. I'm going up to the stables
to see Mrs Holman about some lessons now.

Er... one word of advice.

Go easy on that pea-pod stuff.
I think it's sending you funny.

(Knock at door)

I was going to say, "Come in," but you're
already in. Hello, Barbara. Hello, Tom.

- Hello, Margo.
- You don't mind if I carry on, do you?

I've got 200 gingerbread men to make
for the music society's conference tomorrow.

Well, I've got to hand it to you, Margo -
you're a cool one.

Gingerbread men in quantity
hold no fears for me, Tom.

- It wasn't gingerbread men I had in mind.
- What do you mean?

Will you put your cutter down first?

Very well.

What catastrophe has befallen you now?

Not us. You.

- If your pigs have got into my garden again...
- Margo...

We know that you're not going...
to the pony club any more.

- Oh, I see.
- We only found out by accident.

We went up to do a dung deal with Mrs Holman,
and it just came out.

I thought I told you not to go near those stables.

- We know why now.
- Oh, how can you deceive Jerry like this?

Deceit is an ugly word, Barbara.
Can you back up your allegation?

Only that we spoke to Jerry, and he is firmly
convinced that you go riding twice a week.

Very well. You've backed it up.
Thank you for calling.

- We're not being nosy.
- You're giving a fair impression of it.

- We want to help you.
- By being nosy?

No. By telling you that the lid is about to blow.

Howl detest mid-Atlantic jargonese.
What do you mean, the lid is about to blow'?

Jerry has just gone up to the stables.

Oh. Why?

- Never mind why. He's going to find out.
- Yes, I imagine he will.

He's going to find out
whatever it is you've been up to.

- Yes.
- Whatever it is.

- Quite.
- You know. Whatever it is.

What a nuisance.

- Nuisance?
- Yes.

He would have to find out now,
at the eleventh hour.

Just when the thing had almost run its course.

- Thing?
- I thought pretending to go riding had worked.

And it would have, if you had bought fertiliser,
like normal people.

- Well, it's all going to come out now, isn't it?
- It seems so.

- Would you like to tell us about it, Margo?
- No, thank you.

- It would make you feel better.
- No, it wouldn't.

- Well, look, we'll stay, anyway.
- There's no need.

- I thought perhaps you might like us to.
- No. This is between Jerry and me.

- Yes, I suppose it is, really.
- Yes, of course it is. Come along.

Margo...

There's always a bed at our place,
should you need it.

Shut the door, Tom. There's a draught.

(Whispers) Shh. Sorry, love.

Tom, we've been nosy enough. Come on.

All right. All right.

Jerry has been home an hour now,
and we still don't know anything.

Well, it's none of our business.

We've done what we can.
It's between them now.

That's what I'm afraid of.

- Has he really been home for an hour?
- Yes. How did he look

when he came home from the pony club?

Well, I don't know.
I was upstairs, making the bed.

In the bedroom,
which is in the front of the house,

so that you could look out of the window,
which you did.

Well, he looked very calm, actually.

That's good.

But all he knew then
was that Margo wasn't going riding.

Probably knows everything now.

Yes.

(Whispers) Very quiet, isn't it?

- He's probably smothered her.
- Barbara!

- Mind you...
- What?

Well, it's easy to take a chap like Jerry
at face value.

Placid, well mannered.
But then, so was Crippen.

(Shrieks)

- You're not honestly suggesting...
- I'm not... Shh.

I'm not suggesting anything.

All I'm saying
is that every man has his flashpoint.

I mean, if I found you with a bloke, I'd kill you.

- Would you?
- Of course.

- Oh, how lovely!
- But that is mad.

- No, it isn't. It's the thought that counts.
- Oh, I see.

- (Clattering)
- What's that?

(Cat meows)

It's all right. It's only the cat.

The cat? (Groans)

- (Whispers) Tom...
- What?

The light's been turned off in their living room.

- That's sinister.
- Why?

I don't know. It just is.

- (Shrieks) Oh, quick!
- What?

- Margo and Jerry! They're coming round.
- Oh, erm... erm...

No, it's all right. Don't panic.

Just be natural.

Hello, you two!

Oh, dear. I'd hoped you'd be better.

Hello, Barbara. Hello, Tom.

- What are you doing?
- Us?

Oh... just relaxing at home.

Don't the chairs work?

- No, don't sit down.
- Why?

Well, Margo and I are going for a drink.
Would you like to come with us?

- Drink?
- Yes.

You know. Stuff they serve in glasses.

- Oh, drink, yes.
- Yes, we would. Of course we would.

Good. Well, I think they've got an alcove
where you can stand to attention and relax.

I'll go and get the car.

He thinks we've gone mad,
and it's all because of you!

I'm afraid your behaviour is all too symptomatic

of the hysteria creeping into English society.

Never mind English society. What happened?

Oh, I see.

Nothing.

Do you mean Mrs Holman didn't split on you?

No. I mean Jerry never got to the pony club.

Oh, he set out with the best intention,
he told me.

But fortunately, Jerry is Jerry,
and he decided to share my interests

by buying me The Lilac Domino
in cassette form, instead.

- Very much safer than riding.
- That's what Jerry said.

Well, I'm trying to think of a phrase,

and it's got something to do
with "everything coming up smelling of violets".

You're preoccupied with manure, aren't you?

Now, you've got to admit it -
you nearly got caught.

In the nick of time,
you just managed to get away with it.

I don't like that expression.
It has criminal overtones.

But I will admit - it was a near-run thing.

- (Car horn)
- Oh, shall we go?

I'll tell you a funny thing, Margo.

You never did tell us what you were really up to.

- No, I didn't, did 1?
- No, and funnier still, we still don't know.

No. And I'll tell you something even funnier.

- What?
- I don't intend to tell you.

Thank you so much, Miss Harmsworth. A most
successful and, above all, discreet course.

Not at all, Mrs Leadbetter.

After all, not every woman
wants hubby to know, does she?

Quite. Men can be insensitive beasts
about weight-watching. Goodbye.