Good Neighbors (1975–1978): Season 4, Episode 3 - Our Speaker Today - full transcript

16,17,18,19..

Look, will you keep still?

1,2,3

4,5,6,7,8.

No, 10.

11.

Oh!

1,2,3,4,

56..

Look, you. You jumped over my hand then, you.

Yes, you with the long eyelashes.



- 24.
- How do you know?

That's how many eggs we hatched out.

Haven't you got a clever daddy?

Lenin is their daddy. I'm just the builder.

You've finished!

Yes.

Chicken villas, Mark 2.

Now, then, custom-built nesting boxes.

Airy perching areas.

Separate withdrawing room for broody hens.

What else have we got?

Glass panel sunroof. All right?

Now, part of the ground floor is devoted to
retractable loo for easy cleaning.

The whole property will be set in
rolling Surrey downland -



our back garden.

It's lovely.

It is good, isn't it?

Makes our house look tatty.
Could you make us one of those?

Not under £45,000.

It's very difficult to decide which 12 to keep
and which 12 to fatten.

They all have their own little personalities,
you see.

You've had three days to interview them.

Have you decided which 12 we keep?

- Yes.
- Good.

Only, it's 13.

(Knocking)
- Come in.

Hello, Margo.

Morning, Barbara. Good morning, Tom.

You go to the library, don't you?

- Sometimes.
- Do you know Mrs Wormwood the librarian?

Vaguely, yes.

If she does your fines, check her figures,
because she is unreliable and a backstabber.

Why?

She's got laryngitis and won't give her talk
to the Townswomen's Guild.

There must be millions of other townswomen.

But we've all heard
what everybody has got to say.

I am not prepared to sit through another
of Dolly Mountshaft's diatribes

on why Mrs Simpson should have been queen.

Couldn't you ask Jerry to give a talk
on traffic jams on London Bridge?

He will be in the middle of one
when the meeting's on.

It's the eleventh hour and I'm reduced to
scraping the bottom of the barrel.

I've come to ask you.

I know I look a bit scruffy but do I really look like
scrapings from the bottom of a barrel?

Of course you don't, dear.
Words got in the way of what I meant.

Anyway, what would I talk about?

You could always do:
My year of hell as a white slave in Wigan.

I already have a subject for you, Barbara.

- What?
- Your life. Self-sufficiency.

But that embarrasses you.

You think it's one step removed from a dirty film.

When you talk about it, yes. But I have heard
Barbara talk about it in quite a nice way.

If she sticks to the more wholesome aspects,
like those little canaries.

- Chicks.
- Whatever they are.

Please say you'll do it, Barbara.
I'm absolutely desperate.

Couldn't you have a whist drive or something?

Barbara, we have a guest of honour
expecting to hear a talk,

and a talk she must hear.

- It's not Mrs Callaghan, is it?
- It most certainly is not.

It's Lady Truscott.

- Well, get her to give the talk.
- Don't be stupid.

No, I'm no speaker.

Oh, dear. I'm getting a crisis headache.

All right, Margo, I'll do it.

It isn't that much of a crisis.

Please, Barbara.

Margo, I'd just go red and stutter.

Very well. Another block from the edifice of my
social life will come tumbling to the ground.

- And that really matters to you, doesn't it?
- Yes, it does.

However silly you think me, it does matter.

Oh, all right.

I don't want to find a pile of rubble
in your sitting room one evening.

- Of course I'll do it.
- I'm so grateful, Barbara, I really am.

I'll pick you up at three o'clock
and drive you to the meeting.

Wait, wait! How long do I have to speak for?

It's all very simple.

I shall introduce you from the platform

and you stand up and talk for 20 minutes or so
on self-sufficiency.

Hopefully omitting any references to animals'
digestive habits or procreative systems.

Um, dress is optional, by the way,
but no trousers, please.

Bye.

No dung and dirties, eh.
That's going to limit the field a bit.

What did I have to say yes for?
I'm feeling nervous already.

Come on, love. What's to be nervous about?

I didn't get nervous at the prize-giving
at my old school.

You didn't have to say anything.

The important old boy made the speech,
you just handed him the prizes.

I hope you get barracked.

I'm glad you enjoyed it.

Yes, of course I'll tell her.
What was your name again?

Mrs Burke.

With a U and an E.

Right. Bye-bye.

Burke.

What did you say?

Mrs Burke, darling. Ringing to congratulate
Barbara on her talk the other night.

Oh. How very kind.

- Seems to have been quite a hit.
- Yes.

It was a very pleasant little talk...
for what it was.

It's the sixth call this morning,
all saying the same thing.

Yes. Of course, if Barbara had a telephone
of her own,

it would save us the trouble of running
backwards and forwards all the time.

Still, you must be pleased.
After all, you talked her into it.

Of course I'm pleased, Jerry.

I wonder if any of those callers saw fit to mention
the organisational flair

that went into arranging the function.

- No.
- No.

Never mind, darling.
I know all the work you put into it.

- Thank you, Jerry.
- (Phone rings)

Margo Leadbetter.

Lady Truscott!

Good morning, Lady Truscott.

Very well, thank you. And you?

Oh, good.

Oh, I'm so pleased. One arranges these
little meetings to the best of one's ability

but when one's speaker stands up,
one is in the lap of the gods.

Oh, I see. When, Lady Truscott?

I'm sure she'd be honoured, Lady Truscott.

We'll say 4:00 for 4:30, shall we?

Jolly good.

Goodbye, Lady Truscott.

Who was that? Mrs Dooms-Patterson?

No. Lady Truscott.

Oh, well. I'll just pop up to the golf club
for a couple of jars.

You will not. You will pop, Jerry,
very quickly to Fortnum's

and ask for one of Mrs Leadbetter's hampers.

Eh?

Lady Truscott is coming to see Barbara
about something.

Why do we have to have a hamper
from Fortnum's?

Use your intelligence, Jerry.

Barbara's kitchen is hardly the place
to entertain Lady Truscott.

Now, get a move on, please.

- And, incidentally.
- What?

On your way back you will pass a bingo hall
in Wandsworth high street.

Go In, find Mrs Pierson -
she's always there on Saturdays -

offer her whatever you have to
to make her clean the house. It's filthy.

What will you be doing
all the time I'm doing this?

I shan't be lounging about
if that's what you're implying.

I shall go next door and tell Barbara.

I shall come back and have a lie-down
before I start getting ready.

Isn't that enough?

I heard "blimey", Jerry.

Stop raining on my wood.

- Oh, Mr Good?
- Yes.

- I did ring.
- Sorry, I didn't hear you.

Give me hand with this, will you?

OK. Right.

Lovely. Ta, ta.

That's it. Lovely.

It's going to be a chicken house, you see.

I didn't want it to warp so I treated it.

- Did you want me?
- Your wife, actually. I'm Lady Truscott.

- Oh, hello. I'm Tom. You're early, aren't you?
- Am ll? Oh, I'm sorry.

Never mind. Barbara shouldn't be a tick.
She's popped to the ironmonger's.

Ah. Thank you.

Lovely. Ta.

Oh, white Sussex.

You know about chickens, then?

A little bit. My father keeps a few.

Oh, yeah. How many has he got?

Five or six thousand, actually.

He's probably got a bigger back garden than us.

A little bit bigger, yes.

Care for a spot of peapod burgundy,
Lady Truscott?

Oh, I'd love one.

And it's George.

Everybody calls me George.

Really?

You don't look like a George.

- Well, it's Georgette, actually, but...
- Quite.

I'd better warn you first, this is a bit strong.

Yes, your wife said so in her talk.

She said, "It makes you feel
as if you've been shot out of a cannon.”

- Did she? That's good.
- Yes, she was good, too. Cheers.

Oh, she was right, as well.

It's sunny all day and you pop up the road
for some nails and it's...

Oh, hello.

This is Lady Truscott. Sorry - George.

George, Barbara.

- Hello.
- How do you do?

I didn't get a chance to talk to you the other day.
You rushed off so quickly.

Fear. I got your message from Margo.
Are you sure it's me you want to see?

Quite sure.

There she is. Five foot nothing
of slightly damp dynamite.

Barbara, your talk was the most interesting thing
I've heard in years.

- Was it?
- Yes. And believe me I've heard the lot.

From patchwork quilt-making
to what to do with old string vests.

- She studied under me, you Know.
- Did you?

- No.
- Ah. Well, the point is this.

I wondered if you would be prepared to give
the same talk to one of the groups I work with.

Oh, no. No, that was my one and only
unaccustomed-as-l-am-to-public-speaking.

Thanks very much.

What a shame. They would be interested
in hearing what you've got to say.

Who exactly are they, George?

My branch of the
National Association for the Deaf.

I know what you're going to say.

But some of our group can lip-read.

And the partially deaf have aids, of course,

and there's a young girl that relays your speech
with talking hands.

Oh, you're embarrassed.
That's the trouble, you see.

People are so busy being embarrassed

they don't stop to think
what a cripplingly lonely thing deafness can be.

The deaf have little enough real contact
with hearing people as it is.

Especially someone who has something
so lively and interesting to talk about as you.

Oh, come on. What do you say?

You're a bit of a grafter, aren't you, George?

Sorry, I have to be. What do you say?

- Well, what can I say?
- Wonderful. I'll pick you up 2:30, Tuesday.

I think I'll have one of those.

Don't worry, Barbara. They'll love you.

- I hope so.
- Of course they will. Well, here's to it.

- Cheers.
- Cheers.

Lady Truscott, don't.

It's homemade.

I know. This is my second glass.

Oh.

Dear, oh dear. Where are you two off to, then?

Nowhere.

I just came round to apologise. I'm so sorry.
I really am desperately sorry.

What for?

This is my husband Jeremy.

How do you do?

I didn't see you arrive, you see.

And all the time you've been here.

I really am terribly sorry.

Oil It's not a doss house you know.

I didn't mean that for one moment. But after all...

- Yes, Tom, what are those doing in here?
- I didn't want them to warp.

- So we brought them in.
- Jolly good chippy's mate you'd have made.

George?

Yes. Everybody calls me George.
Why don't you, Margo?

I couldn't possibly call you George,
Lady Truscott.

Very well, Mrs Leadbetter.

Well, what say we all adjourn next door?

I think we've fixed everything up,
haven't we, Barbara?

Yes, I think you have.

Fine, then.

How about adjourning next door anyway
for a spot of tea?

That's very sweet of you, Mrs Leadbetter,
but I do have another appointment.

You hadn't gone to a lot of trouble, had you?

Good heavens, no, certainly not.

No, Jeremy and I are very much
take-us-as-you-find-us folk.

Oh, good.

Well, I really must dash.

I'll see you on Tuesday, Barbara.

- Bye, everybody.
- Bye, George. Bye.

Oh, never mind, Margo.

Worse things happen at sea.

We're not at sea. We're in the Avenue.

It was only a casual invitation anyway.

Casual? Casual!

I've been tearing about all afternoon
like some sort of demented flunky.

I had to physically drag Mrs Pierson
out of some ghastly bingo hall,

collect and pay for a £50 hamper
from Fortnum's. That is not casual!

I'm so sorry, Jerry.

Well...

I know what'll cheer you both up.
Barbara and I will come to tea.

That's very magnanimous of you.

Yes, well, we're like that.

- Anyway, we can't stand waste.
- Oh, no, no, no.

Particularly when it comes from
the Queen's grocers.

No, no, no. Don't touch that.
You'll get yourself dirty.

I feel so guilty going off
and leaving everything to you.

- Where's your lecture today?
- Ata children's home.

I can't bear leaving you with all the work.

If you can stand the thought of tear-stained
cheeks when they know you're not coming,

all those quivering little lips.

- Oh, shut up. You're no help.
- I'm trying to be, actually.

They're good causes.
You can't get away from that.

Yes, but three afternoons this week.

Barbara, I thrive on responsibility.
I was ink monitor at school, you know.

We were supposed to put the chicken house up
this afternoon.

- I can do that.
- On your own?

Yes. If an ink monitor can't put up a chicken
house, what sort of ink monitor is he?

(Horn beeps)
- That'll be George.

- Buzz off.
- All right.

- Tom, are you sure...
- Get..

All right, I'm going.

Just remember, I am a handyman.

Oh!

(Clucking)

Barbara?

Come on, come on.

Lenin? Lenin!

Lenin! Come here.

Bad boy. Sit.

Lenin, will you come here.

Lenin!

Now, Lenin, don't be silly.

No, Lenin, no.

Lenin, no!

Lenin, what are you doing?

No! No! Lenin!

Lenin!

Leni-i-i-n!

Fares, please.

Fares, please.

Er, one and a cockerel to the next stop, please.

Ta.

- Cup of tea?
- Mm. Yes, please.

- Wrong.
- Tom!

Tom!

George, are you any good at catching chickens?

I don't know but I think I'm about to find out.

I'm sorry about those trousers but they're
the only spare pair Tom's got at the moment.

Oh, it's all right. I think they're rather fetching.

Do you think this skirt'll mend?

- No.
- No, I didn't think it would. I am sorry.

It's all right. It's not every day I get the chance
to take part in a chicken rodeo.

TOM: Get In there!
- There's Tom.

Goon. Goon.

(Clucking)

Hello.

Where have you been?
All the chickens were out.

Oh, damn. I must have left the gate open.

Obviously. Why?

Lenin decided to go walkabout.

Lenin?

- This mad cockerel of ours.
- Where did he go?

Kingston.

You mean you chased him
all the way to Kingston?

He's no fool. He got on a bus.

- Tom!
- He did, I tell you, he did.

It took me three stops to catch up with the bus.

On hands and knees crawling under the seats
trying to find him.

I touched some woman's leg.
She stamped on my hand.

Conductor got bolshie
because cockerels aren't in their rulebook.

By the time we'd worked that out
we were at Kingston.

Lovely long walk back, no money for the fare.

Nice pair of trousers, George.
I've got a pair like that.

You see, you did need me here this afternoon.

- Well, yes, I did.
- Look, George...

I know. It's time I started to bully someone else
into speaking for me.

It isn't that we don't want to help,

but we need all hands on deck at all times here.

I have been realising that myself, actually.

I haven't been taking up your spare time
because you don't have any, do you?

Not a lot.

And you've done your fair share
and I'm very grateful.

To make sure Tom gets his trousers back,
I'll do the last engagement on your list.

- My current list.
- That's Grant House on Friday, isn't it?

Oh, they're my trousers.

Mind like a rapier, this man.

Thank you for being so patient, Tom,
and thanks for all your hard work. It was worth it.

Yes, of course it was.

I really must go home
and see if I've still got a husband.

Now, look, don't be a stranger to us
now you know where we are.

I won't. I'll give you a few weeks to catch up
then I shall be pestering you again.

See you on Friday, Barbara. Bye.

Oh, Lady Truscott.

I saw your car and thought I'd just...

Mrs Leadbetter, do excuse me, please.
I must dash. Bye-bye.

Bye, George.

Lady Truscott is wearing
those awful old trousers of Tom's.

Yes, she tore her skirt
while we were chasing the chickens.

Oh, don't try and cover up for me, Barbara.

I don't know what came over me.

How can I put it?

It's her being an aristocrat, I suppose.

Stop there, Tom.

I can sense the beginning
of one of your so-called jokes.

A joke that is going to become increasingly
vulgar if I'm not very much mistaken.

Don't get shiny with me just because
you missed out on Lady Truscott.

Don't be silly. I don't know what you mean.

It's just as well I didn't tear out
for that champagne. Her car's just driven off.

We needed champagne anyway, Jerry.

Yes, of course.

Margo, why don't you put yourself out of
your misery and just invite her to tea?

Even George must have some spare time.

I'm sure Barbara would know more about that
than I would.

I'm giving one more chat
and then I'm retiring from public life.

Oh? A little rift?

No, Tom and I have got too much work to do.

It's Grant House on Friday and that's it.

What? Grant House?
That's a remand home.

- You never told me that.
- Didn't 17 It's not important, is it?

Are you out of your mind?

All self-sufficiency means to thugs
is owning their own burglar's tools.

It might give them something to think about.

They don't think.

I'll tell you one thing.
I wouldn't let my wife set foot in there.

Thank you, Jerry.
Not that I'd let you let me, anyway.

What are you making a fuss about?

It is a remand home,
not a maximum security prison.

- I've said my piece. Please yourself.
- I will.

Then on your head be it.

Come along, Jerry.
I've got my correspondence to deal with.

Why should that involve me?

Somebody has to post the letters.

I think we've weathered another broadside.

Yes.

Do you know, if those two get any more
extreme, they'll fall off the edge of the world.

Anyone would think you were making contact
with a tribe of head-hunters.

- Isn't it silly?
- Yes.

I think I'll come with you on Friday, though.

(Chatter)

(Rowdy shouting)

- Barbara, I think I'd better come in with you.
- I'll be all right.

You'd make me go all self-conscious.

- All ready, Mrs Good?
- Yes.

I'll just quieten them down.

Shut up!

(Jeering)

Barbara, I'll be right by the door.

All right, Sir Tom.

George.

(Whistling and cheering)

I try not to pre-judge people, you know that.

- But?
- If any lad upsets my wife,

I'll hit him first
and wrestle with my conscience afterwards.

Fair enough.

(Wolf whistles)

Oh, ah. I say, it's incredible.

- They never made a sound.
- Weren't they lovely?

It was like mass hypnotism.
They were absolutely riveted.

- You did say they'd behave.
- Yes, I did.

On the other hand, I must admit I do sometimes
resort to the professional half-truth.

Some of my speakers in the past
have had a very rough ride here.

You are a con merchant.

Yes, but for good causes.

What a shame we're going to lose you, Barbara.

Tea.

I say, I think I know why they behaved.

I'm not taking anything away from you,
you're obviously a natural.

The subject itself must have interested them.

Just a sec. Er, excuse me.

Could I have a word with you... son?

What word's that... Dad?

- You listened to the talk in there, didn't you?
- Yeah.

Would I be right in saying there was something
in it that made you realise

you can rebel against society
without hurting people to do it?

Am I anywhere close to it?

No.

There must be something in self-sufficiency
that intrigues you.

No.

Why did you pay so much attention, then?

So she wouldn't get edgy
and start moving about.

Er, I'm not quite with you there, son.

Well, when she stood in front of that window,

with the sun coming through it,

we could see right through her dress.

Very nice, too.

Very nice.

Out! Out!