Good Neighbors (1975–1978): Season 3, Episode 4 - I Talk to the Trees - full transcript
Tom and Barbara come under the influence of Mr Wakeley a local prize winning marrow grower. He explains to them the value of talking to your plants and vegetables. They decide to try it much to the derision of others in the neighborhood.
Litterbug!
Ratbag!
- Good day to you.
- Afternoon, Mr Wakeley.
Hello, Mr Wakeley.
Here... Here... He's talking to himself again.
(Chuckles)
Poor old chap. He's probably lonely.
- Lonely'? He's bonkers.
- Shh!
- Come on, Tom. Let's give him a cup of tea.
- He might not want to be interrupted.
- It could be an interesting conversation.
- Come on.
Oh, all right, then.
And when the weather is a little more clement,
we'll get you out and harden you up.
You'd like that, wouldn't you?
Yes, of course you would.
- Oh!
- We wondered if you'd like a cup of tea.
Oh, that's very kind of you. Now, do come in.
Oh, dear. I should have more seats in here
in case of guests, but I've never got roundto it.
There.
Oh, no, allow me.
- There.
- Thank you.
Excuse me. I'm just going to have a cup of tea.
Oh! Oh, you noticed.
I hope you don't think I'm potty.
Good Lord, no!
It's natural, people talking to themselves,
isn't it, Barbara?
Yes, it is. I'm always doing it. Honestly.
Oh, but I'm not talking to myself.
- Aren't you?
- Oh, no.
- Well, who are you talking to, Mr Wakeley?
- One of my marrows.
Ah. I see.
Oh. There now, you really do think I'm potty.
No, I don't blame you. A lot of people think
it's odd, talking to plants, but I believe in it.
What do you say to them?
Well, you heard me, really.
It's just a matter of well-mannered conversation.
They do respond, you know.
Well, that one certainly has.
I haven't seen a yard-long cucumber before.
Oh, yes. He's always been very precocious.
You're a proper little show-off, aren't you?
Is it just one of those inexplicable things,
or is there a principle behind it?
Oh, there's a principle, all right.
Broadly speaking, you might call it
the brotherhood of creation.
- Didn't they win the Eurovision Song Contest?
- Tom!
Now, tell me,
what is common to all living things?
Well, they're all alive.
- Barbara, really!
- Exactly, young lady.
- Oh.
- Yes.
Yes, we're all alive and we find ourselves
cheek by jowl on this planet.
Well, doesn't it seem reasonable
that we should do our best to live in harmony?
Well, yes, but plants don't have ears.
How can they hear you?
Come! Speech is only the manifestation
of the feeling that we're giving out.
Yes, I see what you mean.
You can call a dog all sorts of names.
If you do it nicely, he'll roll over and go all soppy.
Exactly.
May I say, Mr Good, that you are blessed
with a very intelligent wife.
Well, I understand it as well.
I understand it.
What I'm saying is, I'm not sure I believe it.
Well, I'm not asking you to believe it.
I'm merely suggesting
that you don't disbelieve it.
- Well, they are big, aren't they?
- Oh, yes.
- Yes, and happy.
- Ah...
(Chuckles) Yes, well, it's been very interesting.
Thank you very much.
Now, come along, Barbara.
It's been very interesting,
talking to you, Mr Wakeley.
- Very interesting.
- Jolly good.
And thank you for the tea.
Ah... Oh-ho! It's time for the concert.
(Music on radio)
Ah, Delius! We love Delius.
I'm not keen on him actually,
but the tomatoes love him.
Goodbye.
Well, Tom, what do you think?
Talking to plants... It's a bit far-fetched, isn't it?
Come on, old girl. I'm hungry.
(Chugs)
Yes, I suppose it is a bit far-fetched,
talking to plants.
Quite!
Whereas talking to engines,
that's perfectly normal.
Oh, dear, oh, dear. I don't know.
Kids today don't know how to play
cowboys and Indians, do they?
- I thought they were very good.
- Very good? Rubbish!
One of them was firing at me
with a plastic ray gun.
- Modern Indians.
- We used to make our own bows and arrows.
I had a smashing nurse's set.
We didn't have girls in our gang.
Soppy lot. Playing with girls and nurses' sets
could have been your passport to puberty.
I was too busy catching rustlers.
My friend Arthur Leggit used to be
The Lone Ranger and I was Tonto.
Well, gallop over to the sink
and peel some spuds.
Yes, kemo sabe.
(Knock at the door)
- Hello, Margo.
- Good evening, Barbara.
Good evening, Tom.
I have just come to say thank you very much.
Goodbye.
Margo!
- What are you thanking us for?
- For nothing.
You don't have to thank us when we do nothing.
Those children are perfectly happy
on the council estate.
Do you have to encourage them
into The Avenue?
It's to catch a glimpse of your house, Margo.
They've got to know
what they're aiming at in life.
Children like that do not have aims in life,
not since the introduction
of comprehensive education.
But it's still a free country, isn't it?
Yes, it is. That's why I think
they should be banned from The Avenue.
They're only little kids playing games, Margo.
Well, their games and yours disrupted
an important meeting in my drawing room.
- Tupperware party?
- Certainly not!
It was an extraordinary meeting
of certain members of the Music Society.
- I thought they'd given you the boot?
- I resigned.
Then why the meeting?
Well, let's just say that I've been.. persuaded
to throw my hat into the ring again.
Oh...
Apparently, there is a feeling abroad
that Miss Mountshaft is a spent force
as president of the society.
- Is that what you're telling everybody?
- Certainly not.
I have remained aloof. I am merely holding
myself in readiness should the call come.
- Like General de Gaulle?
- If you like, yes.
What does Miss Mountshaft have to say
about this?
Well, we don't know. She's on holiday in
Greece.
Oh, I see, so, while she's away,
there's your lot next door, plotting a revolution.
If you must have a political analogy,
I'd sooner you thought of it as a right-wing coup.
Of course!
RIP, Miss Mountshaft.
For the sake of music, one hopes so.
In the meantime, I shall be having
several further significant meetings this week,
so I would ask you to...
Well, to...
- To um...
- Stay in the cellar so we don't embarrass you'?
The choice of words is yours, Tom,
but the general meaning is correct.
- Very well, Margo. We'll do our best.
- Thank you, Barbara.
I tell you what, give us a shilling each
and we'll go and play in the next street.
I'd give you the fare to Katmandu, Tom,
if I thought you'd go.
Ah...
- Smashing!
- Thank you.
I thought the way the potatoes were peeled
was crucial in the enjoyment of that meal.
- I didn't.
- I suppose you're a moderately wonderful cook.
Yes, I am. I'm so wonderful that you probably
want to do the washing up, don't you?
No.
Oh.
No. I just want to just sit here
with my glass of Pea Pod '75,
and just have a little think.
You're thinking about me
and my nurse's set, aren't you?
No. Mr Wakeley.
(Both) In his nurse's set.
No, seriously,
his theories about talking to plants,
I'm not sure
you should have pooh-poohed them.
Rotten cheek!
...I'm the one he said was intelligent!
I know, but you just accepted it on face value.
I thought it through.
You have gone all round the houses
to come to the same conclusion.
I see it like this.
Our crops are very important to us.
Anything that could increase their yield
is worth trying.
It doesn't matter if it sounds weird,
you should open your mind and try it.
- Do you know what I think, Tom?
- What?
I think I should open my mind and try it too.
Have you still got your nurse's set?
(Whistles cheerfully)
BARBARA: Tom?
- In here,
Tom, you know I was worried about putting
that runt back with the other piglets?
- Yeah.
- I needn't have. He's a little bully.
- He's just beaten up two of his brothers.
- Good show.
- What are you doing?
- Oh, nothing much.
I'm just about to roll back
the frontiers of science, that's all.
- Yes, but what are you doing?
- Setting up our talking to plants experiment.
Well, why can't we just chat to them
while we're working in the garden?
No, no, no, no. It's too hit and miss.
Sometimes we're in a good mood,
and sometimes in a rotten mood.
They wouldn't know
if they were coming or going.
- I'm going to measure this from scratch.
- All right, Einstein. Have it your way.
Now, pay attention.
Plant A.
Plant B.
Plant C.
OK?
Yes, I think I grasp it so far.
Good, good, good.
Now, Plant A will be exposed to 20 seconds of
affection and encouragement five times a day.
Right?
Plant B will simply fend for itself,
because it's the control. You see?
- Yes, Herr Professor.
- Right.
Now, Plant C will be exposed
for exactly the same time as Plant A,
to derision and hate.
- That's not fair!
- Well, we'll make it up to it after the experiment.
- Now, do you follow?
- Yes.
- Any questions?
- Yes.
Where are the plants?
- I have planted them. They're runner beans.
- Oh.
All right, now, you are Love and I am Hate.
- That sounds right.
- Watch it!
Now, where... Where did I put the clipboard?
Where's my clipboard gone?
Oh.
(Sniggers)
What's the matter?
You. It's as if you were making a bionic man!
Look, Barbara,
a scientific experiment should be...
must be carried out
with the utmost accuracy and efficiency.
- What's the date?
- Don't know.
Well, we'll scrub round that.
When I take the cover off Plant A, I want you to
give it 20 seconds of love and encouragement.
- Are you ready?
- No!
What's the matter now?
Well, I mean...
.talking to a bean!
It's silly!
- You didn't think so yesterday.
- I wasn't face to face with a bean then, was 1?
For someone who claimed to understand
what old Mr Wakeley was talking about, you...
All right, all right, I will! I will try.
I've just got stage fright, that's all.
- I will. I'll try.
- Fine.
- Only don't look at me.
- All right.
Ready, and... go.
(Splutters)
- All right, forget it.
- I'm sorry.
I'm not doing it. I won't do it.
I won't do it.
- Forget it.
- I'm sorry! I'll try! I will!
Really, I will.
Are you ready?
Otherwise, I won't do it.
I'm ready! I'll try.
And go.
Hello, my darling.
Oh, I've been so looking forward
to this moment alone with you,
because I want to tell you that I love you.
Do you know that? I love you so much,
and you and I are going to be so happy.
I'm going to look after you
and I'm going to tend you
and you and I are going to have
the most wonderful, wonderful relationship.
- All right, all right! Don't go raving mad!
- Was that all right?
- Yes, fine. Very good.
- Well, why are you scowling?
Who were you thinking about?
- You.
- Yes, well...
You can't be jealous of a bean!
I'll make my notes.
Plant A exposed for 20 seconds
to over-sexed laboratory assistant.
- All right, come on, Hate. It's your turn.
- Yes, yes...
- Ready?
- No. Well, no. I'm not really...
I don't really feel hateful today.
I'm in a sort of rather even sort of mood.
Oh, by the way, did I tell you that
the Inland Revenue sent our tax returns back
with a slip saying, "Don't be facetious"?
The pompous swines! I'll smash their faces in!
- Ready?
- Yes, lam!
- Sanctuary! Sanctuary!
- What's up, Jerry?
Margo. She's got her junta of colonels round
from the music society.
Oh, well, never mind. Sit down.
- You can stay for lunch if you like.
- Oh, thanks.
I certainly shan't get any from Margo.
She's busy making the final arrangements
for putting the skids under Miss Mountshaft.
Would you mind keeping quiet for 20 seconds?
- Why 20 seconds?
- We're doing something important.
Oh, yes, of course. Sorry.
- Ready?
- Ready.
So! Sol
Hah! You call yourself a bean, do you?
I'll tell you something.
You could have certainly fooled me.
I wouldn't bother growing if I were you!
You know why?
The moment you pop your head above that soil,
everyone's going to fall about laughing.
But you wouldn't make me laugh,
and I'll tell you why.
Because I hate you,
and you know why I hate you?
Because you're horrible, horrible, horrible!
- All right?
- Very good.
Yeah, well, with rest and care,
I don't see you need be in the institution
for more than about 25 years.
- I suppose that must have looked weird to you.
- Marginally.
We're carrying out our experiments
in talking to plants, you see.
- So I understand.
- It's very interesting.
Yes, very. About as interesting
as trying to breed cardboard boxes.
You don't believe that twaddle, do you?
We don't believe or disbelieve as yet.
We have open minds.
- Vacant, I should have said.
- You wouldn't say that if you'd met Mr Wakeley.
Who's Mr Wakeley? Percy Thrower's tutor?
No, he's not. He's a very nice old man who's not
afraid to try a bit of alternative technology.
Technology? Talking to plants?
(Sniggers)
Tell me something, Jerry, what's your company's
latest line in plastic gifts for cereal packets?
Well, it's a miniature set
of the Bay City Rollers, actually.
A miniature set of plastic Bay City Rollers?
If that's all your technology can come up with,
I'd sooner talk to plants.
Oh, dear.
Have I just forfeited my invitation to lunch?
No, Jerry. There's nothing wrong
with a bit of healthy scepticism.
If you get out of control,
I can set the celery on you.
As a matter of fact,
another point of view might be very useful.
I've got a lot of ideas
about this empathy with plants business.
- Perhaps I could put them to you over lunch?
- I think I've changed my mind.
I believe I'll have a ploughman's
at the pub after all.
- Misery!
- Cynic!
See you later.
Bye-bye, table. Goodbye, chair.
Bye, curtains. Hello, garden!
Hello, leaves!
Tom! Tom!
- Tom!
- What's the matter?
- The beans! They're growing! They're growing!
- Blimey! I thought it was a burglar.
- They're up. They're up. Oh, look, look, look.
- Oh, good. We're getting somewhere.
Ooh! Douglas is biggest.
- Who?
- Douglas, my bean. He's biggest!
- Don't you mean Specimen A?
- No, I mean Douglas. Oh, he is biggest.
- Now, quick, come on, let's measure him.
- All right, all right.
Douglas Bean!
- Well?
- Douglas...
- Specimen A is the biggest.
- Oooh!
The control comes second
and my rotten little stinker is the smallest.
Mr Wakeley was right!
- I ought to tell you that the difference is minimal.
- It's still a difference, isn't it?
I know it is, but let's see the week out
before we write our paper to the Royal Society.
You don't seem very excited.
You shouldn't get excited in science.
It's not seemly.
I bet Albert Einstein didn't charge
round his house shouting,
"Oh, blimey! Listen, everybody, space is
curved!"
Rubbish! Archimedes ran down the street,
shouting, "Eureka!"
Only because his bathwater was too hot.
- Where did you get that?
- From the attic.
- Is it ours?
- Is it ours?
It's the worldly good
I endowed you with when we got married.
So it is. It was on its last legs then.
You'd had it since you were four.
It's a piece of precision engineering.
This will see us out.
L'should think it will.
You can't use it. You know they don't make
those wax cylinders nowadays.
- 78s, and I've got one.
- But what's it for, Tom?
I'm going to play it to the plants in the garden,
see if they grow bigger than last year.
- Ah...
- Yes, Mr Wakeley's other theory. It's worth a go.
What's the record?
Peter Dawson singing The Bandolero.
I don't think I know that one.
It's marvellous, absolutely marvellous.
We always used to play this after tea on
Sunday.
You know, after the cucumber sandwiches
and the Battenburg.
Ah, yes... Great days, the old days.
4 I am the bandolero
4 The gallant bandolero
4 I rule the mountains and I claim
4 The contraband that comes my way
4 I am the bandolero...
(Silence)
Margo will be here in a moment.
(Silence)
Er... anything I can get anybody?
- No, thank you.
- No, thanks.
Yes. Um...
Margo will be here in a moment.
I'm so sorry, everyone. Couldn't get
Johnny Hanson to put the telephone down.
Oh, I see you've brought
your trusty old pipe along, Mr Chipchase.
Do open the French windows, Jerry.
- Well, you won't be wanting me. I'll...
- We will, Jerry.
I've taken the liberty of preparing
a little champagne buffet for later.
Oh, I'm so sorry, Madam Acting Chairwoman.
Do carry on.
Thank you very much, Mrs Leadbetter.
I call this extraordinary meeting
of the Music Society to order.
As you know, we are here to elect a president
to our society for the forthcoming year.
As you also know,
there are two candidates for this high office,
Mrs Leadbetter...
...and Miss Much.
- A point of order.
- Mr Chipchase?
I still think it is unconstitutional,
and indeed, underhanded,
to hold an election
while Miss Mountshaft is on holiday in Greece.
- Hear, hear!
- May I reply?
CHAIR: Please do.
- Do learn your society's rules, Mr Chipchase.
There are sufficient members here
to form a quorum. It is perfectly legal.
I still think it's unfair to Miss Mountshaft.
I don't see why. You seem
more than an adequate mouthpiece for her.
Is that a burn?
Well, as I seem to have the floor, there are
one or two remarks I should like to make.
Firstly, I did not seek office.
It is simply that I seem to have been chosen
as the standard-bearer
for those of us who seek to put a more
professional gloss on our productions.
Hear, hear!
Now, let me touch on Dolly Mountshaft
for a moment.
- Here we go, vilification.
- No, Mr Chipchase, admiration.
No-one is more aware than I of how much
Dolly Mountshaft has put into this society,
and no-one is more aware of the awful toll
it has taken on her general health,
her nerves and her... voice.
You know, I wouldn't be surprised if,
at this moment,
Dolly were not sitting in some taverna
with her bottle of ouzo
almost wishing that she loses this election.
She doesn't know about it!
And if I am chosen to take up the tiller
of our little ship,
I shall do so humbly, and in so doing,
I shall call upon all of you to wish Dolly
a happy harbour in the back row of the chorus.
- Where are you going, Jerry?
- [ thought...
There's no time for that.
- I want you to pass round the voting slips.
- Yes.
I still feel, Madam Acting Chair...
May I close with three little points
concerning what I can offer?
One: fundraising activities on a scale
never dreamt of by dear unworldly Dolly.
For example, Jeremy, my husband,
has already promised the society
a cheque for £200.
(Applause)
Assuming I'm elected.
Two: a guaranteed season at the town hall.
But we've been banned.
After The Sound Of Music, the Mayor said
we gave the borough a bad name.
I had lunch with Charles yesterday.
It wasn't so much our performance, you know.
He was just a little hurt that Miss Mountshaft
forgot the customary bouquet for the Mayoress.
- Nevertheless, Madam...
- And three...
Rehearsal facilities. My home.
Of course, one remembers very fondly
those Bohemian evenings
in Miss Mountshaft's flatlet in the High Street.
A jolly cup of cocoa, the sound of jolly little
children playing overhead.
How many of them were there, I wonder.
Of course, I can't provide all that.
All I can offer is what you see,
a spacious,
moderately comfortable environment,
a little haven of peace and tranquillity...
PETER DAWSON: & I am the bandolero...
Hello, my darling Douglas. How are you?
You are the most wonderful little bean,
you know?
If was a little girl bean...
You did it deliberately, didn't you?
You just had to! I shall never forgive you!
- What are you on about?
- You, playing wretched music in the garden!
- That is Peter Dawson!
- I don't care who it is!
You have just ruined
my whole election campaign!
- Good!
- How dare you?
Why not? You just ruined our experiment!
Oh, Douglas!
Oh, he's supposed to have nothing but love!
He's heard you ranting and raving!
Honestly, Margo, I could murder you sometimes!
Oh, Douglas... Oh, Douglas...
(Barbara sobs)
- Who's Douglas?
- My bean! My bean!
- Oh, Barbara! Do keep a sense of proportion!
- Now, look here, Margo, I have...
Madam President...
- What?
- Congratulations.
- You mean I'm... I'm the president?
- Mm-hm.
- In spite of Peter Dawson?
- Obviously.
Oh! Oh, Jerry!
Oh, Barbara!
- Oh...
- Don't you cuddle me! Please!
- You have just stunted Douglas's growth.
- Oh, I'm... I'm so sorry.
Well, Jerry will write out a cheque
for any damage I've done.
- It's my function, you know.
- Yes, well, I must get back.
I warn you, Margo,
you haven't heard the last of Peter Dawson!
Oh, I hope not.
He was a fine artiste, a fine artiste.
- How much do I owe you?
- Well, it's a week's work up the spout.
- We've got to start from scratch now.
- How much?
How can you put a price
on a scientific experiment?
What are the grants
the government pay to research botanists?
How much?
Tuppence.
(Record crackles)
Well, Peter, mate, you didn't get a knighthood,
but you've got the next best thing.
Margo approves of you.
I'm getting worried about you.
Why?
This talking to things, it's getting out of hand.
You're talking to gramophone records now.
I'm hoping it will grow into an IP.
Do you think music has an effect on animals?
Some farmers use music in the cowshed.
They claim it increases the milk yield.
- Perhaps we should try it with Geraldine.
- What about chickens?
- No, you can't milk chickens.
- No, I mean their eggs.
It's not very likely, is it?
No. That's what... That's what I thought.
- Only...
- Only what?
Well...
Peter, mate, I've always believed in you.
You know that, don't you?
Ratbag!
- Good day to you.
- Afternoon, Mr Wakeley.
Hello, Mr Wakeley.
Here... Here... He's talking to himself again.
(Chuckles)
Poor old chap. He's probably lonely.
- Lonely'? He's bonkers.
- Shh!
- Come on, Tom. Let's give him a cup of tea.
- He might not want to be interrupted.
- It could be an interesting conversation.
- Come on.
Oh, all right, then.
And when the weather is a little more clement,
we'll get you out and harden you up.
You'd like that, wouldn't you?
Yes, of course you would.
- Oh!
- We wondered if you'd like a cup of tea.
Oh, that's very kind of you. Now, do come in.
Oh, dear. I should have more seats in here
in case of guests, but I've never got roundto it.
There.
Oh, no, allow me.
- There.
- Thank you.
Excuse me. I'm just going to have a cup of tea.
Oh! Oh, you noticed.
I hope you don't think I'm potty.
Good Lord, no!
It's natural, people talking to themselves,
isn't it, Barbara?
Yes, it is. I'm always doing it. Honestly.
Oh, but I'm not talking to myself.
- Aren't you?
- Oh, no.
- Well, who are you talking to, Mr Wakeley?
- One of my marrows.
Ah. I see.
Oh. There now, you really do think I'm potty.
No, I don't blame you. A lot of people think
it's odd, talking to plants, but I believe in it.
What do you say to them?
Well, you heard me, really.
It's just a matter of well-mannered conversation.
They do respond, you know.
Well, that one certainly has.
I haven't seen a yard-long cucumber before.
Oh, yes. He's always been very precocious.
You're a proper little show-off, aren't you?
Is it just one of those inexplicable things,
or is there a principle behind it?
Oh, there's a principle, all right.
Broadly speaking, you might call it
the brotherhood of creation.
- Didn't they win the Eurovision Song Contest?
- Tom!
Now, tell me,
what is common to all living things?
Well, they're all alive.
- Barbara, really!
- Exactly, young lady.
- Oh.
- Yes.
Yes, we're all alive and we find ourselves
cheek by jowl on this planet.
Well, doesn't it seem reasonable
that we should do our best to live in harmony?
Well, yes, but plants don't have ears.
How can they hear you?
Come! Speech is only the manifestation
of the feeling that we're giving out.
Yes, I see what you mean.
You can call a dog all sorts of names.
If you do it nicely, he'll roll over and go all soppy.
Exactly.
May I say, Mr Good, that you are blessed
with a very intelligent wife.
Well, I understand it as well.
I understand it.
What I'm saying is, I'm not sure I believe it.
Well, I'm not asking you to believe it.
I'm merely suggesting
that you don't disbelieve it.
- Well, they are big, aren't they?
- Oh, yes.
- Yes, and happy.
- Ah...
(Chuckles) Yes, well, it's been very interesting.
Thank you very much.
Now, come along, Barbara.
It's been very interesting,
talking to you, Mr Wakeley.
- Very interesting.
- Jolly good.
And thank you for the tea.
Ah... Oh-ho! It's time for the concert.
(Music on radio)
Ah, Delius! We love Delius.
I'm not keen on him actually,
but the tomatoes love him.
Goodbye.
Well, Tom, what do you think?
Talking to plants... It's a bit far-fetched, isn't it?
Come on, old girl. I'm hungry.
(Chugs)
Yes, I suppose it is a bit far-fetched,
talking to plants.
Quite!
Whereas talking to engines,
that's perfectly normal.
Oh, dear, oh, dear. I don't know.
Kids today don't know how to play
cowboys and Indians, do they?
- I thought they were very good.
- Very good? Rubbish!
One of them was firing at me
with a plastic ray gun.
- Modern Indians.
- We used to make our own bows and arrows.
I had a smashing nurse's set.
We didn't have girls in our gang.
Soppy lot. Playing with girls and nurses' sets
could have been your passport to puberty.
I was too busy catching rustlers.
My friend Arthur Leggit used to be
The Lone Ranger and I was Tonto.
Well, gallop over to the sink
and peel some spuds.
Yes, kemo sabe.
(Knock at the door)
- Hello, Margo.
- Good evening, Barbara.
Good evening, Tom.
I have just come to say thank you very much.
Goodbye.
Margo!
- What are you thanking us for?
- For nothing.
You don't have to thank us when we do nothing.
Those children are perfectly happy
on the council estate.
Do you have to encourage them
into The Avenue?
It's to catch a glimpse of your house, Margo.
They've got to know
what they're aiming at in life.
Children like that do not have aims in life,
not since the introduction
of comprehensive education.
But it's still a free country, isn't it?
Yes, it is. That's why I think
they should be banned from The Avenue.
They're only little kids playing games, Margo.
Well, their games and yours disrupted
an important meeting in my drawing room.
- Tupperware party?
- Certainly not!
It was an extraordinary meeting
of certain members of the Music Society.
- I thought they'd given you the boot?
- I resigned.
Then why the meeting?
Well, let's just say that I've been.. persuaded
to throw my hat into the ring again.
Oh...
Apparently, there is a feeling abroad
that Miss Mountshaft is a spent force
as president of the society.
- Is that what you're telling everybody?
- Certainly not.
I have remained aloof. I am merely holding
myself in readiness should the call come.
- Like General de Gaulle?
- If you like, yes.
What does Miss Mountshaft have to say
about this?
Well, we don't know. She's on holiday in
Greece.
Oh, I see, so, while she's away,
there's your lot next door, plotting a revolution.
If you must have a political analogy,
I'd sooner you thought of it as a right-wing coup.
Of course!
RIP, Miss Mountshaft.
For the sake of music, one hopes so.
In the meantime, I shall be having
several further significant meetings this week,
so I would ask you to...
Well, to...
- To um...
- Stay in the cellar so we don't embarrass you'?
The choice of words is yours, Tom,
but the general meaning is correct.
- Very well, Margo. We'll do our best.
- Thank you, Barbara.
I tell you what, give us a shilling each
and we'll go and play in the next street.
I'd give you the fare to Katmandu, Tom,
if I thought you'd go.
Ah...
- Smashing!
- Thank you.
I thought the way the potatoes were peeled
was crucial in the enjoyment of that meal.
- I didn't.
- I suppose you're a moderately wonderful cook.
Yes, I am. I'm so wonderful that you probably
want to do the washing up, don't you?
No.
Oh.
No. I just want to just sit here
with my glass of Pea Pod '75,
and just have a little think.
You're thinking about me
and my nurse's set, aren't you?
No. Mr Wakeley.
(Both) In his nurse's set.
No, seriously,
his theories about talking to plants,
I'm not sure
you should have pooh-poohed them.
Rotten cheek!
...I'm the one he said was intelligent!
I know, but you just accepted it on face value.
I thought it through.
You have gone all round the houses
to come to the same conclusion.
I see it like this.
Our crops are very important to us.
Anything that could increase their yield
is worth trying.
It doesn't matter if it sounds weird,
you should open your mind and try it.
- Do you know what I think, Tom?
- What?
I think I should open my mind and try it too.
Have you still got your nurse's set?
(Whistles cheerfully)
BARBARA: Tom?
- In here,
Tom, you know I was worried about putting
that runt back with the other piglets?
- Yeah.
- I needn't have. He's a little bully.
- He's just beaten up two of his brothers.
- Good show.
- What are you doing?
- Oh, nothing much.
I'm just about to roll back
the frontiers of science, that's all.
- Yes, but what are you doing?
- Setting up our talking to plants experiment.
Well, why can't we just chat to them
while we're working in the garden?
No, no, no, no. It's too hit and miss.
Sometimes we're in a good mood,
and sometimes in a rotten mood.
They wouldn't know
if they were coming or going.
- I'm going to measure this from scratch.
- All right, Einstein. Have it your way.
Now, pay attention.
Plant A.
Plant B.
Plant C.
OK?
Yes, I think I grasp it so far.
Good, good, good.
Now, Plant A will be exposed to 20 seconds of
affection and encouragement five times a day.
Right?
Plant B will simply fend for itself,
because it's the control. You see?
- Yes, Herr Professor.
- Right.
Now, Plant C will be exposed
for exactly the same time as Plant A,
to derision and hate.
- That's not fair!
- Well, we'll make it up to it after the experiment.
- Now, do you follow?
- Yes.
- Any questions?
- Yes.
Where are the plants?
- I have planted them. They're runner beans.
- Oh.
All right, now, you are Love and I am Hate.
- That sounds right.
- Watch it!
Now, where... Where did I put the clipboard?
Where's my clipboard gone?
Oh.
(Sniggers)
What's the matter?
You. It's as if you were making a bionic man!
Look, Barbara,
a scientific experiment should be...
must be carried out
with the utmost accuracy and efficiency.
- What's the date?
- Don't know.
Well, we'll scrub round that.
When I take the cover off Plant A, I want you to
give it 20 seconds of love and encouragement.
- Are you ready?
- No!
What's the matter now?
Well, I mean...
.talking to a bean!
It's silly!
- You didn't think so yesterday.
- I wasn't face to face with a bean then, was 1?
For someone who claimed to understand
what old Mr Wakeley was talking about, you...
All right, all right, I will! I will try.
I've just got stage fright, that's all.
- I will. I'll try.
- Fine.
- Only don't look at me.
- All right.
Ready, and... go.
(Splutters)
- All right, forget it.
- I'm sorry.
I'm not doing it. I won't do it.
I won't do it.
- Forget it.
- I'm sorry! I'll try! I will!
Really, I will.
Are you ready?
Otherwise, I won't do it.
I'm ready! I'll try.
And go.
Hello, my darling.
Oh, I've been so looking forward
to this moment alone with you,
because I want to tell you that I love you.
Do you know that? I love you so much,
and you and I are going to be so happy.
I'm going to look after you
and I'm going to tend you
and you and I are going to have
the most wonderful, wonderful relationship.
- All right, all right! Don't go raving mad!
- Was that all right?
- Yes, fine. Very good.
- Well, why are you scowling?
Who were you thinking about?
- You.
- Yes, well...
You can't be jealous of a bean!
I'll make my notes.
Plant A exposed for 20 seconds
to over-sexed laboratory assistant.
- All right, come on, Hate. It's your turn.
- Yes, yes...
- Ready?
- No. Well, no. I'm not really...
I don't really feel hateful today.
I'm in a sort of rather even sort of mood.
Oh, by the way, did I tell you that
the Inland Revenue sent our tax returns back
with a slip saying, "Don't be facetious"?
The pompous swines! I'll smash their faces in!
- Ready?
- Yes, lam!
- Sanctuary! Sanctuary!
- What's up, Jerry?
Margo. She's got her junta of colonels round
from the music society.
Oh, well, never mind. Sit down.
- You can stay for lunch if you like.
- Oh, thanks.
I certainly shan't get any from Margo.
She's busy making the final arrangements
for putting the skids under Miss Mountshaft.
Would you mind keeping quiet for 20 seconds?
- Why 20 seconds?
- We're doing something important.
Oh, yes, of course. Sorry.
- Ready?
- Ready.
So! Sol
Hah! You call yourself a bean, do you?
I'll tell you something.
You could have certainly fooled me.
I wouldn't bother growing if I were you!
You know why?
The moment you pop your head above that soil,
everyone's going to fall about laughing.
But you wouldn't make me laugh,
and I'll tell you why.
Because I hate you,
and you know why I hate you?
Because you're horrible, horrible, horrible!
- All right?
- Very good.
Yeah, well, with rest and care,
I don't see you need be in the institution
for more than about 25 years.
- I suppose that must have looked weird to you.
- Marginally.
We're carrying out our experiments
in talking to plants, you see.
- So I understand.
- It's very interesting.
Yes, very. About as interesting
as trying to breed cardboard boxes.
You don't believe that twaddle, do you?
We don't believe or disbelieve as yet.
We have open minds.
- Vacant, I should have said.
- You wouldn't say that if you'd met Mr Wakeley.
Who's Mr Wakeley? Percy Thrower's tutor?
No, he's not. He's a very nice old man who's not
afraid to try a bit of alternative technology.
Technology? Talking to plants?
(Sniggers)
Tell me something, Jerry, what's your company's
latest line in plastic gifts for cereal packets?
Well, it's a miniature set
of the Bay City Rollers, actually.
A miniature set of plastic Bay City Rollers?
If that's all your technology can come up with,
I'd sooner talk to plants.
Oh, dear.
Have I just forfeited my invitation to lunch?
No, Jerry. There's nothing wrong
with a bit of healthy scepticism.
If you get out of control,
I can set the celery on you.
As a matter of fact,
another point of view might be very useful.
I've got a lot of ideas
about this empathy with plants business.
- Perhaps I could put them to you over lunch?
- I think I've changed my mind.
I believe I'll have a ploughman's
at the pub after all.
- Misery!
- Cynic!
See you later.
Bye-bye, table. Goodbye, chair.
Bye, curtains. Hello, garden!
Hello, leaves!
Tom! Tom!
- Tom!
- What's the matter?
- The beans! They're growing! They're growing!
- Blimey! I thought it was a burglar.
- They're up. They're up. Oh, look, look, look.
- Oh, good. We're getting somewhere.
Ooh! Douglas is biggest.
- Who?
- Douglas, my bean. He's biggest!
- Don't you mean Specimen A?
- No, I mean Douglas. Oh, he is biggest.
- Now, quick, come on, let's measure him.
- All right, all right.
Douglas Bean!
- Well?
- Douglas...
- Specimen A is the biggest.
- Oooh!
The control comes second
and my rotten little stinker is the smallest.
Mr Wakeley was right!
- I ought to tell you that the difference is minimal.
- It's still a difference, isn't it?
I know it is, but let's see the week out
before we write our paper to the Royal Society.
You don't seem very excited.
You shouldn't get excited in science.
It's not seemly.
I bet Albert Einstein didn't charge
round his house shouting,
"Oh, blimey! Listen, everybody, space is
curved!"
Rubbish! Archimedes ran down the street,
shouting, "Eureka!"
Only because his bathwater was too hot.
- Where did you get that?
- From the attic.
- Is it ours?
- Is it ours?
It's the worldly good
I endowed you with when we got married.
So it is. It was on its last legs then.
You'd had it since you were four.
It's a piece of precision engineering.
This will see us out.
L'should think it will.
You can't use it. You know they don't make
those wax cylinders nowadays.
- 78s, and I've got one.
- But what's it for, Tom?
I'm going to play it to the plants in the garden,
see if they grow bigger than last year.
- Ah...
- Yes, Mr Wakeley's other theory. It's worth a go.
What's the record?
Peter Dawson singing The Bandolero.
I don't think I know that one.
It's marvellous, absolutely marvellous.
We always used to play this after tea on
Sunday.
You know, after the cucumber sandwiches
and the Battenburg.
Ah, yes... Great days, the old days.
4 I am the bandolero
4 The gallant bandolero
4 I rule the mountains and I claim
4 The contraband that comes my way
4 I am the bandolero...
(Silence)
Margo will be here in a moment.
(Silence)
Er... anything I can get anybody?
- No, thank you.
- No, thanks.
Yes. Um...
Margo will be here in a moment.
I'm so sorry, everyone. Couldn't get
Johnny Hanson to put the telephone down.
Oh, I see you've brought
your trusty old pipe along, Mr Chipchase.
Do open the French windows, Jerry.
- Well, you won't be wanting me. I'll...
- We will, Jerry.
I've taken the liberty of preparing
a little champagne buffet for later.
Oh, I'm so sorry, Madam Acting Chairwoman.
Do carry on.
Thank you very much, Mrs Leadbetter.
I call this extraordinary meeting
of the Music Society to order.
As you know, we are here to elect a president
to our society for the forthcoming year.
As you also know,
there are two candidates for this high office,
Mrs Leadbetter...
...and Miss Much.
- A point of order.
- Mr Chipchase?
I still think it is unconstitutional,
and indeed, underhanded,
to hold an election
while Miss Mountshaft is on holiday in Greece.
- Hear, hear!
- May I reply?
CHAIR: Please do.
- Do learn your society's rules, Mr Chipchase.
There are sufficient members here
to form a quorum. It is perfectly legal.
I still think it's unfair to Miss Mountshaft.
I don't see why. You seem
more than an adequate mouthpiece for her.
Is that a burn?
Well, as I seem to have the floor, there are
one or two remarks I should like to make.
Firstly, I did not seek office.
It is simply that I seem to have been chosen
as the standard-bearer
for those of us who seek to put a more
professional gloss on our productions.
Hear, hear!
Now, let me touch on Dolly Mountshaft
for a moment.
- Here we go, vilification.
- No, Mr Chipchase, admiration.
No-one is more aware than I of how much
Dolly Mountshaft has put into this society,
and no-one is more aware of the awful toll
it has taken on her general health,
her nerves and her... voice.
You know, I wouldn't be surprised if,
at this moment,
Dolly were not sitting in some taverna
with her bottle of ouzo
almost wishing that she loses this election.
She doesn't know about it!
And if I am chosen to take up the tiller
of our little ship,
I shall do so humbly, and in so doing,
I shall call upon all of you to wish Dolly
a happy harbour in the back row of the chorus.
- Where are you going, Jerry?
- [ thought...
There's no time for that.
- I want you to pass round the voting slips.
- Yes.
I still feel, Madam Acting Chair...
May I close with three little points
concerning what I can offer?
One: fundraising activities on a scale
never dreamt of by dear unworldly Dolly.
For example, Jeremy, my husband,
has already promised the society
a cheque for £200.
(Applause)
Assuming I'm elected.
Two: a guaranteed season at the town hall.
But we've been banned.
After The Sound Of Music, the Mayor said
we gave the borough a bad name.
I had lunch with Charles yesterday.
It wasn't so much our performance, you know.
He was just a little hurt that Miss Mountshaft
forgot the customary bouquet for the Mayoress.
- Nevertheless, Madam...
- And three...
Rehearsal facilities. My home.
Of course, one remembers very fondly
those Bohemian evenings
in Miss Mountshaft's flatlet in the High Street.
A jolly cup of cocoa, the sound of jolly little
children playing overhead.
How many of them were there, I wonder.
Of course, I can't provide all that.
All I can offer is what you see,
a spacious,
moderately comfortable environment,
a little haven of peace and tranquillity...
PETER DAWSON: & I am the bandolero...
Hello, my darling Douglas. How are you?
You are the most wonderful little bean,
you know?
If was a little girl bean...
You did it deliberately, didn't you?
You just had to! I shall never forgive you!
- What are you on about?
- You, playing wretched music in the garden!
- That is Peter Dawson!
- I don't care who it is!
You have just ruined
my whole election campaign!
- Good!
- How dare you?
Why not? You just ruined our experiment!
Oh, Douglas!
Oh, he's supposed to have nothing but love!
He's heard you ranting and raving!
Honestly, Margo, I could murder you sometimes!
Oh, Douglas... Oh, Douglas...
(Barbara sobs)
- Who's Douglas?
- My bean! My bean!
- Oh, Barbara! Do keep a sense of proportion!
- Now, look here, Margo, I have...
Madam President...
- What?
- Congratulations.
- You mean I'm... I'm the president?
- Mm-hm.
- In spite of Peter Dawson?
- Obviously.
Oh! Oh, Jerry!
Oh, Barbara!
- Oh...
- Don't you cuddle me! Please!
- You have just stunted Douglas's growth.
- Oh, I'm... I'm so sorry.
Well, Jerry will write out a cheque
for any damage I've done.
- It's my function, you know.
- Yes, well, I must get back.
I warn you, Margo,
you haven't heard the last of Peter Dawson!
Oh, I hope not.
He was a fine artiste, a fine artiste.
- How much do I owe you?
- Well, it's a week's work up the spout.
- We've got to start from scratch now.
- How much?
How can you put a price
on a scientific experiment?
What are the grants
the government pay to research botanists?
How much?
Tuppence.
(Record crackles)
Well, Peter, mate, you didn't get a knighthood,
but you've got the next best thing.
Margo approves of you.
I'm getting worried about you.
Why?
This talking to things, it's getting out of hand.
You're talking to gramophone records now.
I'm hoping it will grow into an IP.
Do you think music has an effect on animals?
Some farmers use music in the cowshed.
They claim it increases the milk yield.
- Perhaps we should try it with Geraldine.
- What about chickens?
- No, you can't milk chickens.
- No, I mean their eggs.
It's not very likely, is it?
No. That's what... That's what I thought.
- Only...
- Only what?
Well...
Peter, mate, I've always believed in you.
You know that, don't you?