Good Neighbors (1975–1978): Season 3, Episode 5 - The Wind-Break War - full transcript

BARBARA: What is going on next door?

I think Margo's transferring the garden party
from Buckingham Palace.

Now, what would you think that was?

Any guesses?

Birdbath?

Hang on, it's a statue.

It's Acker Bilk.

Fool.

(Whispers) What is he doing?

(Whispers) Measuring.

- Why?
- Don't be nosy.



Ask him.

Good evening.

I'm glad you said that, missus,
cos that's what's going down on my timesheet.

- What is?
- Evening.

We're three minutes over now.
But will they believe that in the office?

Of course they won't. They never do.

He just sits there and sneers.

Who does?

Hobbs. He might have skin trouble.

He wants to go out in the vans,
find out what it's really like.

You never know what it's like
till you get out in the vans, do you?

Exactly. He's very good at nicking carbon paper
from the firm,

but you ask him to put down three minutes'
overtime, he don't want to know.

He ought to go out in the vans now and again.



Exactly.
It was the same at the dinner and dance.

He can't do the quickstep
better than anyone else, can he? Oh, no.

- He should try your job.
- Exactly.

Out measuring in all weathers.

Exactly.

What are you measuring... exactly?

Windbreak.

A windbreak.
Woman wants a windbreak here, by the fence.

You're... you're gonna put a windbreak up here
by the fence?

Yeah, yeah. I'm measuring.

- You're not gonna put it up tonight, are you?
- Exac... right, I'm not.

We're seven minutes over now.
Seven minutes over.

- I'd knock off if I were you.
- I'm going to.

Wallop! Right, that's me done.

All right, lads. Home.

Well, you've got five minutes before tea.

Do you want to paralyse the car industry
or bring the dockers out?

Barbara, if Margo puts up a windbreak here,

it's gonna throw a dirty great shadow
all over those fruits we've put in.

Oh, yes.

Fruits which, hopefully, are gonna be
our equivalent to the gold standard.

Well, do you think she'd mind
if we asked her to put it further along?

I tell you what. We'll ask her round
and I'll turn on the charm.

Charm? You?

(Giggles) You fell for it, didn't you?

Yes, well, I was a late developer.

Have very, very nice of you to come round,
Margo.

- Thank you.
- Please... sit down.

- Can I get you anything?
- No, thank you.

Ahh...

- What's the matter?
- Nothing.

- I was thinking how nice you look.
- What do you want?

No, no, no, no. Nice is the wrong word.

You look very elegant.

What do you want, Tom?

- I just want to pay you a compliment.
- Why?

- Does there have to be a why?
- Yes. Now what do you want?

Barbara, what does Tom want?

He's just being charming.

How do you know he was being charming
if you were out of the room?

Ah. Well... in that case,
we want you to move your windbreak.

No. Why should I?

It's absolutely vital, Margo.

Our surplus of veg last year didn't show a profit,

so we decided to change it to a surplus
of soft fruits this year. It will bring in a lot more.

If you put your windbreak up where
you intend to they won't get enough sun,

so if you could move it a bit further
down the fence we'd be all right.

- I see.
- Eh, Margo? Eh, eh?

Eh, Margo, eh?

Very well. If I were to be confronted by Barbara
wearing even more threadbare clothes this year

I suppose I'd never forgive myself.

- Margo, thank you.
- Radiantly elegant, I would have said.

You can stop now, Tom. I've agreed.

I'll get Mr Bailey to move the whole thing
further down the garden tomorrow.

Oh, we meant to ask you, yes.
What is this thing?

Oh, um... didn't you realise?

I am building a little arbour.

For boats?

I wonder why I bother to tell you anything.

Well, tell me, then.

- No, you're just as bad.
- Oh, goon.

Oh, well, I've been dying to tell somebody.

L'am having a little arbour.
A sort of little temple, dedicated to music.

With you as the high priestess?

With me as the new president
of the Music Society.

A sort of Surbiton Isadora Duncan?

Certainly not.
That woman was a lewd, foreign exhibitionist.

I am concerned with art.

What does he do?

Do you want to hear about my plans or not?

Sorry.

Well...

The members of my society
will be able to come along

and rehearse in an atmosphere of Sylvan,
perhaps almost Elysian charm.

What, with the neighbours looking over
the fence as they hang their washing out?

It's a jolly sight better
than Miss Mountshaft's sordid flat.

Of course it is, Margo. Blimey, you've got
scope there. I should put on Aida if I were you.

Your lot on the lawn,
Sadlers Wells in the shrubbery,

Andre Previn and the ISO sitting on
your concrete mushrooms, it must be a hit.

- Its all just a big joke to you, isn't it?
- That lot would be.

- Well, it isn't to me.
- Oh, Margo.

You've got to see the funny side of it.

- There isn't one.
- Oh, come on.

No, I won't "come on"!

You make such a virtue of always seeing
the funny side of things.

It isn't a virtue when it's me
you keep seeing the funny side of.

But, Margo, that's what Margos are for.

I'm sick of it. And if you are set on playing
the red-nosed comedian for the rest of your life,

I suggest you find yourself another stooge.

- But, Margo, you're the best in the business.
- Oh, shut up!

Go on, shift it.

Here, get your hands off that.

Just trying to help, Mr Bailey.

Never mind help. You are unskilled labour.

When you're old enough for erections you erect.

In the meantime,
keep your hands off this windbreak.

Sorry, Mr Bailey.

All right, then. All right, Wally.

Righto, Wally, lift it.

(Strains) Don't just stand there,
you little skiver, give us a hand.

No, really, Tom, I think we went a bit too far
with Margo yesterday.

I think we ought to go next door and apologise.

Yeah, well, perhaps you're right.
I mean, she's a good sort, really, old Margo.

The petty-minded bitch!

She promised she wouldn't put that up there.
That's just spite.

Right. Come on.

(Yawns)

- All right, where's Margo?
- What's this, a police raid?

- Where is she?
- Out.

- Are you sure you don't mean she's upstairs?
- Not unless she's shinned up the drainpipe.

- I saw her going out of the front door.
- Ah! Couldn't face us, eh?

I can't face you this early. What do you want?

Margo promised
not to put the windbreak up there.

Now, just because she can't take a joke
she has put it up there.

Take it up with Margo when she comes back.
I'm going to work.

- This isn't funny.
- Neither is this.

You've torn my Financial Times.

I am very, very sorry. I do realise that's
the Eighth Deadly Sin, but my fruit is suffering.

Give it an aspirin.

You don't seem to care at all.

- That's because I don't.
- Jerry, look.

Just tell them to move it.
That's all we want you to do.

- Come along, Jerry.
- Get off! I'm not a puppet.

I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I'll put my jacket
on over my crumpled shirt sleeves.

I'm going to put my torn Financial Times
in my briefcase and I'm going to work.

Turn your back on things,
pretend they don't exist.

- That's what I'm going to try to do.
- Margo's gone back on her word.

I don't know the ins and outs
of your latest squabble.

You don't have to, just do what we want.

That's the cornerstone
of your egocentric philosophy these days.

The Goods are in their heavens,
all's right with the world.

But, Jerry, you like us. We're nice.

You're not. Not when you come in here before
I'm awake and behave like storm troopers.

OK, we're sorry. I tell you what.

You go to work, wake up in your own time and
think about the rights and wrongs of this matter.

- Then phone Margo and tell her she's wrong.
- I'm damned if I will.

You're ignoring three fundamentals.

One; Margo bought that windbreak.
Two; she's paying to have it put up.

And three; it's in her own garden.

And four; she doesn't need to apply to you
for planning permission.

And five; if I get stuck in traffic on London Bridge
I shall probably have a nervous breakdown!

And I shall send you the bill
for the damn psychiatrist.

- I think we lost that one on points.
- (Door slams)

Did we? We'll see.
They won't move the windbreak, right?

- Right.
- Then how's this for the KO?

We move all the fruit.

It will kill us moving all that again.

Exactly. And then they'll feel guilty,
and then who will have won?

Answer me that.

Zombie?

Yes, Trog?

Are you quite sure
that there is some moral victory in this?

Yes, of course I am.
And moral victories are always painful.

Because I'm thinking of taking up some
lighter employment like down the mines.

Never mind, we outmanoeuvred the windbreak.

I still think we should have burnt it.

- What a petty thing for her to do.
- That's just the point, you see.

But we have not sunk to her level, and why?

- Because we are on a higher spiritual plain.
- Yes. Definitely.

Oh.

- Do you think we've earned a nap?
- Yes, I do.

Mr Bailey?
I want to see you in my drawing room at once.

Won't be a minute.

That is correct. You will be ten seconds.

Yes? You...

Thank you.

Now, tell me, why have you erected
my windbreak in the wrong place?

It isn't. That's where you wanted it.

Originally, yes. But after consultation
with my neighbours, I agreed to move it.

How was I to know that? I'm not psychic.

But you are impertinent, Mr Bailey.

I went out early this morning, sol left a note.

- I didn't read no note.
- That is transparently obvious.

It does not alter the fact that I left one.

Now, did you or did you not

see a pale blue envelope sellotaped
to the handle of your pickaxe this morning?

- Yes, I did.
- And what was written on that envelope?

NB.

Well?

Well, I'm not N Bailey, I'm Arthur Bailey. AB.

You stupid man.

- Don't talk to me like that.
- I can because I pay your wages.

And get off my carpet.

For your information, Mr Bailey,
NB means nota bene.

Who?

It's Latin.

Ah, well, I come from Balham.

Very well. The fact that you come from Balham

probably does excuse your ignorance
of even elementary Latin.

It does not excuse ignoring a written instruction
sellotaped to the handle of your pickaxe.

Written instructions are for white collar workers.
I am manual.

I see.

So unless a sign reads "Keep off the grass,
Mr Bailey, and all other manual workers"

you ignore it, do you?

- I didn't mean that.
- What do you mean, Mr Bailey?

Well, I mean, it's up now. It's a fait accompli.

Oh, so we know French in Balham,
but not Latin?

Figure of speech. It's up!

- Well, then, take it down again.
- Why?

So my neighbours don't think
I have gone back on my word of honour.

Now kindly move my windbreak!

- Say I said no?
- I should report you to your managing director.

Oh, he's a personal friend of yours, I suppose?

Yes.

He also happens to be the lead tenor
in my music society, Mr Bailey.

NB, Mr Bailey.

Look, I didn't say I wouldn't move it.
I said, "Say I wouldn't?"

Then move it, Mr Bailey.

And keep your verbal convolutions to yourself.

Hey, Wally, stop what you're doing.

Lady Face Ache wants her windbreak moved.

I heard that.

Is that where you want it?

Yes, it is.

Are you sure?

Yes, I am.

Thank you.

Thank you... very much.

(Mouths)

What the devil's that thing doing there?

I was told to move it, so I moved it.

By the people next door, I presume?

No, by your wife.

I'll check on that. If you're lying you're going
to be in very hot water. Do you understand?

Hurry up, Wally.
The sooner we're out of here the better.

What a beautiful evening.

Evening, Mr Bailey.

Good evening.

Oi, just a minute.

Yes?

- Did you move that windbreak?
- Yes.

- Who told you to?
- The woman here.

That's just mean. She's no right to do that.

What about my rights?
I do have them, you know.

It's just they're not allowed to come out
in this district.

Oh, stop moaning!

Wally, tools.

Don't bother, because you're gonna have to
move it again. Come on, Barbara.

Run for it, Wally.

What are you doing, darling?

- I'm going to do the drinks.
- Say hello in a moment, Jerry.

All right.

- All right, where is she?
- God, not you two again.

- You don't care at all.
- You know why I don't care?

- Cos I don't know what's going on.
- Don't give me that.

Don't tell me you haven't noticed it's moved.

- Yes, I have.
- She must have moved it.

He said she had, but I haven't asked her yet.

When you ask her and she says no, she's lying.
She did, or he wouldn't have.

- You wanted it moved this morning.
- It was in the wrong place this morning.

If you'd moved it then, it would have been in
the right place, but now it's in the wrong place!

- Answer that!
- How can 17 It's gibberish.

- It's bad manners.
- Yes, I'm glad you mentioned bad manners.

This is the second time you've burst in
and attacked my wife.

- How can we attack her? She's in hiding.
- Yes, all she does is pop herself in and out

to move her windbreak when we're not looking.

- My fruit trees in my garden...
- Oh, damn your garden!

- Damn your windbreak.
- Language. What is going on?

(Both shout at once)

Be quiet, the pair of you! One more word and I
swear I shall throw you of the French windows.

Now, Margo,
will you please tell us as simply as possible,

why this piffling affair of the windbreak
has been blown up to giant proportions?

Very well, Jerry. But I don't see why
Tom and Barbara are in such high-dudgeon.

- Oh, don't you? Well, let me tell...
- Shut up!

Margo?

Well, Tom and Barbara asked me not to put
the windbreak where I had originally intended.

I left instructions for Mr Bailey accordingly.

Unfortunately, he did not read my note
and put it up as per my original instructions.

I came home, noticed, and made him move it.

But in the meantime we have moved all our fruit.

I didn't know that.

We may have jumped to conclusions here.

Obviously.

Well, that's that sorted out.
Good evening, Jerry.

Good evening, Margo.

Good evening, Barbara. Good evening, Tom.

- Good evening, Margo.
- Good evening, Margo.

- Good evening, Jerry.
- Good evening, Barbara.

- Good evening, Jerry.
- Good evening, Tom.

(Sighs)

Well, I expect you'd like us to stay to dinner.

Well, you've certainly got a cheek. Margo?

Why not? I think I can stretch my pasta.

Are you going to make a joke, Tom?

No. No, no, no, no. No, no.

I'm just going next door to get a few bottles
of Burgundy to say sorry

and to help things along.

No, Tom, I wouldn't do that...

- Oh, dear.
- Oh. I thought you liked our homemade wine.

Oh, we do, but not by the bottle.

It's hardly a table wine, is it?

Ah, well. Just think of it
as an under-the-table wine.

Ha-ha-ha!

Now, then, Barbara, leave that.

It's all right, Jerry. Won't take a minute.

- It's the very most I can do.
- But there's no need. We have a dishwasher.

Now, come on, you just hand me the things.

Ooh...

Whooo...

- lsay..
- Hm?

Would you mind not doing that?

Why not? You asked me to hand them to you.

No, no, no. Not that, no.

What?

That.

Jerry, what are you doing?

I'm doing what you're doing.

- Oh, that.
- Yes, you're doing it again.

No, don't. Stop it.

- Well, it's my hair.
- Yes, no, it's not that.

It's the gesture.

Brings out the beast in me.

(Sniggers)

Jerry, don't be ridiculous.

I'm not.

I've always had a yen for you, you know that.

When you do that, well, more of a yen, really.

Jerry... Jerry, don't you start that.

Can't help it. It's a fact of life.

- Jerry...
- (Clattering)

.I'm a married woman.

Well, so am l.

- I still fancy you.
- Oh, Jerry...

Jerry, you mustn't say things like that.

It's flattering, but you mustn't say things like that.

- Of course, one reads about in the papers.
- What?

Wife-swapping.

It does happen, you know.

I think wife-swapping's silly.

I mean, after all, if a swife-loffs...

If a wa...

If a wife loves her husband,
what is she going to swoff him for?

- And you do, don't you?
- What?

- Love your husband?
- Yes, I do. I do.

- And you love Margo.
- Yes, I do.

- When you do that...
- Now, Jerry...

Stop starting that again.

Jerry...

why are you putting the dishes in the freezer?

Because that is a dishwasher.

It's not, you know.

Where's the dishwasher?

I don't know. (Laughs)

Dishywashy? Dishwashy?

- Dishwasher?
- Dishywashy? Dishwashy?

Dishwasher?

(Jerry whistles)

What are you doing, Tom?

I'm writing you a note.

How nice.

I hope it will be, Margo. I hope it will be.

What does it say?

It's says, "Dear, Margo..."

- Is that all?
- Yes, well, you see, it's a note of apology,

and I'm not very good at apologising.

Well, perhaps I can help you. Who is it to?

You.

Oh, yes, of course.

Now, what shall we put?

Well, I've started with "Dear Margo".

- Oh, that's nice.
- Yes, I thought so too. Yes.

You see, we treated you very badly today,
and completely wrongly badly.

And we had no right to,
because you didn't do anything out of spite.

I may be something, Tom, but I am not spiteful.

I am silly, I know that.

You tell me who calls you silly, Margo...
and I'll thrash them.

I call me silly.

Oh, dear, why?

Because I get into too many huffs.

None of this would have happened this morning
if I hadn't had a huff.

- What beautiful aspirates.
- Thank you.

It's just that sometimes I get very tired of
always being the butt of the joke.

It seems to have been
the story of my life somehow.

Do you know something, Margo?

That is one of the most infinitely sad things
I've heard in the whole of my life.

Don't worry. I'm not feeling sorry for myself.

- lam.
- S0aml.

(Sobs)

I am not a complete woman, Tom.

Aren't you?

I haven't got a sense of humour.

Don't you worry, I'll go and get you one.

Do you know
what they used to call me at school?

Margo Leadbetter.

No, I wasn't married then.

They used to call me Starchy.

Is that your maiden name?

It was a term of ridicule.

Starchy Sturgess they used to call me.

Oh, boys can be very cruel.

It was a girls school.

That made it worse, somehow.

You poor soul.

I never understood the jokes, you see,
50 I became the butt of them.

I've been the butt ever since.

- Oh, Margo!
- It's true.

No, it's not true, it's not true.

Margo, whatever anybody says,
you are funny.

No, no, no, no. I didn't mean that.

I meant that you do have a sense of humour.
Of course you do.

I don't. I don't.

You do, you do.

Oh, don't do that, please.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Look, look, look.

We have laughs, the four of us.

You join in then... sometimes.

Only because it's polite.

I don't know why I'm laughing.

Now... Now, stop that.

Oh, Tom.

You're very manful at times.

And you are very womanful.

No, I'm not.

You can't be womanful if you're starchy.

You are not starchy, Margo.
You are a very attractive woman.

- No, I'm not.
- Yes, you are.

And [I'll tell you something else.

You've got a very sexy neck.

Don't be silly.

You've never seen my neck.

I'm looking at it now, Margo.

- Are you?
- Yes, and it's very sexy.

(Jerry and Barbara laughing)

Margo... Margo, I'm terribly sorry.

But I've just put a carton of yoghurt
in your washing up machine.

Oh, that's all right.

Tom and I have just been talking.

Well, that's all we've been doing.

Oh! Isn't it wonderful to be friends again'?

- Let's open another bottle to celebrate.
- No. No, no, no.

I think I've had more...

Arh...

I can't feel my knees.

- Take me home, Barbara.
- Oh, Tom, I will.

Providing you take me home.

- With pleasure.
- Will you?

Of course, it's going to have to be moved again.

Oh, yes. What is?

The windbreak, it's still not in the right place
for you, is it?

I can't keep track. Is it?

- Either yes or no.
- No, it isn't.

- Hey, I know.
- What, what?

Let's move it now.

Now?

Now! Righto.

Come on, Margo. This is a laugh, isn't it?

Why?

Why is it?

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Let me do it. Let me do it now.
Stop it. Now, seriously.

- On the command: Lift...
- Lift!

Lift.

Hold it, hold it, hold it.

To me, to me.

Please tell me why it's funny.

Please.