Gomer Pyle: USMC (1964–1969): Season 3, Episode 28 - The Crow Ganef - full transcript

Gomer is suspected of stealing when he makes friends with a thieving crow.

Starring... as Gomer Pyle.

Also starring... as
Sergeant Carter.

♪ ♪

Sure is dusty
going, ain't it, Duke?


You're not kidding.

I wonder if they give the
Purple Heart for hay fever.

Well, we'll be through soon.

This is the last pile
of leaves that's left.


What was that?

I don't know.

It sounded like some
kind of bird to me.

Maybe it was Sergeant Carter.
He sounds kind of birdlike.

(cawing continues)

There it is again.

It's coming from right in here.

Golly! Duke, look, look!

It's a crow.

A crow? Yeah, and she's caught.

Poor thing's got her foot
caught in that vine there.

Well, let her alone.
She'll work her way out.

But I've got to set her free.

Come on, Duke.
I'm surprised at you.

Don't you want to help?

Why? What did
crows ever do for me?

Well, that don't
sound like you, Duke.

That don't sound
like you at all.

Gomer, we've got our own
tail feathers to worry about.

Remember? The big chicken
hawk with the three stripes?

This won't take but a minute.

Hurry it up, if Sergeant Carter

comes along, we're
going to be in big trouble.

There. (caws)

There you go.

See there? That
didn't take long.

Great. Get rid of her.

Okay, you can
fly away now, girl.

Hey, what would be
a good name for her?

Maxine. Okay, so long, Maxine.

Maxine? Uh-huh.

On account of she reminds me
of my cousin back home, Maxine.

You remember. You
asked me about her

when you was looking
through my snapshot album.

She had black
hair, just jet black.

Just like the feathers
on the crow here.

Oh, yeah, there was some
resemblance to the beak, too.

Okay, bye-bye, Maxine.

Go on.

Aw, don't that give you
a good feeling, Duke?

To do a kindly act like that?

When else do you get such a
good feeling of accomplishment?

Huh? When?

When you're doing push-ups or KP

or hiking 30 miles
or walking guard duty

24 hours a day or doing...

Hey, Duke, how
many C's in "accident?"

Two, I think. Why?

Oh, I was just making
a note of what happened

in my daily diary,
just like I do everything

that's interesting
that happens to me.

Yeah, how about that.

Someday it'll be
published, right?

In all it's raw,
risqué splendor.

The Diary of Gomer Pyle.

"Read the private
account of one man's

burning, passionate
romance with a crow."

Don't laugh, Duke.

I write down
everything that happens,

or is gonna happen.

You know, like dates that
I have to remind myself of,

lest I forget all about them.

Uh-huh. See here?

Tomorrow is Leroy and Betty
Lou Klackey's anniversary.

Leroy's my third cousin
on my Grandma Pyle's side.

And I always send
them an anniversary card.

Very nice.

Let's see, Friday.

Friday. It says
here I got to... Golly!

Golly, golly!

What's the matter?
What's Friday?

Just a very important
date, that's all.

Wouldn't you know it?

Duke, can you let me
have $20 till payday?

Twenty bucks for what?

For the sergeant's birthday.

That's what Friday is.

Gomer, you've got to be kidding.

No, Duke, that's what
I need the $20 for.

To buy the sergeant a present.

I'll pay you back
first thing payday.

No soap, Gomer.

But, Duke, I can't let
the sergeant's birthday

go by just like that.

Gomer, I'm flat busted.

That date last night with
my little hat check friend

wiped me out
completely. I'm sorry.

Well, thanks anyway, Duke.

Guess I'll just have to
figure something else out.


Look, Duke, it's Maxine.

She must've followed us back.

Yeah, how about that.

And look at that, she's
brought me a present.

Bless her heart.

A present? A worm?

Well, sure. That's
her way of saying,

"Thank you for see me free."

Oh, come on. It is.

Else she would've
eaten it herself.

Thank you very much, Maxine.

You really shouldn't
have done it. Oh, brother.

Good-bye, Maxine.

And thanks again. (caws)

Isn't that amazing, Duke.

That bird's almost human.

Have you noticed that?


Well, I still haven't
figured out where I'm going

to get the money for
Sergeant Carter's present.

'Cause I know what
I want to get him.

Oh, yeah, what?

A box of cigars, only I don't
know the brand he smokes.

Well, why don't you
just follow him around

until he throws the butt
away, if there's enough left.

No, you know what I
think I'm going to do?

I'll just kind of look around
his office when he ain't there.

There ought to be a box
laying around there somewhere.

Hey, Gomer, I got an idea

for another present
for the sarge. What?

Well, the crow
brought you a worm.

Have it gift wrapped
and give it to him.


And you know what
you write on the card?

"Sweets to the sweet."

Huh, Gomer?

Sergeant Carter?

Corporal Boyle?

Hey, Sergeant.

What are you
doing in here, Pyle?

Well, uh...

Pyle, you don't come
in here nosing around

without permission,
you understand?

Yes, Sergeant.
Now get out of here

and don't let me catch
you in here alone again.

Right, Sergeant.

How about that!

Maybe I better start
putting locks on the doors.

Maybe you better check and
see if he didn't lift something.

Yeah, Pyle? Honest Abe?


But I still don't like
anybody going through

my living quarters
when I'm not there.

Do you like anybody going
through your living quarters

when you're not
there? Not especially.

Two things I can't stand:
having my hair mussed

and somebody going
through my living quarters

when I'm not there.

What's the matter?

Oh, nothing, nothing.

I better get these
back to headquarters.


Go on, beat it. Get out of here!

What are you just
sitting there for,

you miserable bird? Beat it!

Beat it! Beat it!
Get out of here!

All right, let's go, you
meatheads! Fall out!

Let's go! Let's
go! On the double!

Are you sure, Boyle?

Are you sure you
didn't see my watch?

Absolutely, Sarge.

I can't figure it out.

I put it on my desk
when I went to wash up

and, two seconds later
it was gone, just like that.

I don't get it.

Hey! Pyle.

Aw, come on, Sarge.

Didn't you have
it when Pyle left?

Yeah, I took it off
when I went to wash up.

Well, where the heck is it?

Straighten up that belt.

All right, dress right, hang!


Come on, you look like
a bunch of old ladies.

Please, Maxine,
you've got to go.

When he says "Ready,
front," you better be gone.

All right, ready, front!

Okay, Pyle, what is that?

What's going on here?

No, no, let me guess.

You're suddenly going
in for falcon racing, right?

You saw The Birdman of
Alcatraz and you got inspired, right?

No, Sergeant, it's
nothing like that.

Then what is it, Pyle?

What is that bird
doing on your head?

You got some secret weapon
I don't know about, is that it?

I'm sorry, Sergeant.

It's just a crow I
made friends with,

and she just comes around
to be friendly, I guess.

Yeah? Then go make a date

with your friend
in some cornfield.

Beat it, crow!

Beat it, you miserable bird!

Shoo! Shoo! Shoo!

♪ ♪




(mouths words)


I know, Boyle.

I know I could've
misplace my watch.

I could even have
lost it, it happens.

You put it down someplace
and you forget about it,

or even the wristband breaks.

Right. But then, on
top of losing my watch,

I suddenly discover I'm missing

my good five
dollar fountain pen,

my cigar lighter,
and last but not least,

my Marine Corps ring,
which suddenly makes things

get pretty
interesting, don't it?

Yeah, to say the least.

I mean, let's face it.

I couldn't misplace
those many things

in a million years, let
alone one short afternoon.

Well, it sure don't
sound like you, Sarge.

You're right, Boyle, that's
just what I'm thinking.

It ain't me.

And that leads me to only
one other possible conclusion,

and this, I really
find hard to believe.


What was Pyle
doing in here alone?

Aw, come on, Sarge,
anything but that.

I know, I know.

But what was he
doing here alone, huh?

And how come all of a
sudden stuff is missing, huh?

I'm just asking.

Well, could be just coincidence.

Yeah, that's it, coincidence.

Let's hope so, Boyle.

Let's just hope so.

PYLE: Golly, ten dollars?

Ten dollars is the
best you can do?

Ten bucks.

That's as high as I can go.

But Grandma Pyle
just gave me that watch

less than a year ago.

It's still got a year to
go on the guarantee.

Yeah, yeah, I know, I know.

It's got 21 jewels and a
Swiss movement, right?

Yeah, how'd you know?

(chuckles): Are you kidding?

Every Marine that comes
in here to hock a watch

tells me the same
thing, word for word.

Now, ten dollars.

Take it or leave it.

Ten dollars.

I guess it'll have to do.

Instead of getting
the big box of cigars,

I'll just have to get
the smaller one.

After all, it's the thought
that counts, right?


What did you say?

Let's go, Boyle.

I just figured out a way to
nail down our sneak-thief.

You did? You
still think it's Pyle?

I didn't say a word.
I just got a theory.

Yeah? What?

Well, whoever
our sneak-thief is,

you can be sure he's no dummy.

For one thing, he ain't
gonna be stupid enough

to leave the loot
laying around his locker

for us to find it
in two seconds.

So what are we gonna do now?

Look, Boyle, when a
guy steals something,

the loot's safe as long
as it's in his pockets, right?

I mean, a guy's
pockets are his castle

as long as he's there to
keep them closed, right?


Which only leaves
us with the alternative.

Separate a guy from his clothes

and you got his pockets
right where you want them.

Give me 15 minutes to go
through the platoon's clothing

and five'll get you ten, I
come up with our sneak-thief.

Which is where
you come in, Boyle.

Right. I get the guys
out in their skivvies

for physical training.


Move it! Move it!

(blowing whistle)

Okay, you guys!
Come on, fall in!

Move it!

On the double! Let's go!

We just had an hour of
physical training this morning.

What is this? Come on, Duke.

There's no such thing as
too much physical training.

BOYLE: Okay, we're gonna
start off with deep knee-bends.

Hands on hips, place!

Ready, exercise!

One, two... one, two, one, two,

one, two, one, two,
one... Platoon, halt!

Okay, running in place!

Ready, exercise!

One, two, three, four!

One, two, three, four!
One, two, three, four!

One, two, three, four!
One, two, three, four!

One, two, three, four!

Company, halt!

Okay... we're gonna
do some pushups.

Ready, exercise!

One, two!

One, two!

One, two!


Pyle, what's going on here?

I though Sergeant Carter
told you to get rid of that bird.

He did, Corporal Boyle.

But she just won't
go, she just won't go.

Shoo, Maxine. Shoo! Shoo!

BOYLE: Running in place.

Ready, exercise!

One, two, three, four!
One, two, three, four!

Come on, get those legs moving!

Get those knees, come on!

One, two, three, four...


I got him.

I got him!

Okay, okay. So you
found a pawn ticket.

So what does that prove?

I mean, how do you know
it belongs to the thief?

Lots of guys around here
pawn their stuff all the time,

especially just before payday.

Boyle, use your grey matter.

Of course it belongs to
our little hot-fingered friend.

Figure it out.

He knows I'm gonna
be hot on his trail,

so he pawns the stolen goods
as fast as he can and presto!

He's in the clear like a
regular little Lord Fauntleroy!

Well, at least it lets
Pyle off the hook.

But you still don't know
which guy in the platoon

the pawn ticket belongs to.

Not yet, I don't; but I will,

first thing in the morning

when I go down to that
pawnshop and ask a few questions.

You think it's gonna be all over
but the shouting, huh, Sarge?

All over but the hanging, Boyle.

The hanging!

All right, Boyle,

here's where we find out
who our big mystery man is.

We hope.

Don't worry. You
just leave it all to me.

CARTER: Uh... What
can I do for you today?

Well, I'd like to
redeem this out of hock.

How much?

Uh, four-two-seven-one.

Let's see, four-two-seven-one.

Here it is.

Uh, 11 bucks.

Eleven bucks, huh?

Let's see... I just
got six bucks.


Before payday? Are you kidding?

Look, I don't have the 11 bucks.

I got six.

Sorry. Come back
when you get the rest.

It'll be here.

But I got to have it today.

You got to have it today?

It can't wait a couple of days?

When do you get paid?


Okay. Wednesday you'll
come back and you'll get it,

if we live... if not, Thursday.

Look, this is important to me.

I'm sorry. I'd like to
help you, but you know...

Okay. Okay.

Look, uh, would you
tell me what the item is?

You don't know?

Well, no. You see, actually,

I'm not redeeming this
merchandise for myself.

You're not?

Uh, no, uh... see, some
of the guys in my outfit

transferred out on
kind of short notice.

You know, before
they had a chance

to get all their personal
effects together.

Uh, like that, uh, pawn ticket.

Somebody probably left
that behind in the barracks,

and I figured the
least I could do was

track down the
redeemable merchandise

and ship it on to
whoever it belonged to.

Oh, yeah, I see.

So would you mind
telling me what the item is?

Oh, sure.

It's a watch.

Uh, one more thing.

Could you give me a description
of the guy who hocked the watch?

What did he look like?

Well, uh, let me think.

Uh... Oh, I remember.

It was two days ago, he came in.

Kind of a tall guy...
Yeah. What else?

He was sort of dumb-looking.

You know, he had a dumb
expression on his face.

Oh, and, uh, he kept
saying a funny word.

He said it a couple of times.

What was it again?

Oh, yeah... Shazam?

You know the fellow?

Yeah. Yeah, I know him.

Thanks. Thanks a lot.

Yeah. What does that mean?

That Shazam?

Is it a Marine
word or something?

Oh, no. It don't mean anything.

Well, what is it?
Is it like gung-ho?!

I still can't believe it.

What is it? What could
have happened to Pyle?

I don't know, Sarge.

I don't know what to tell you.

I mean, you saw him there
in the duty hut. Remember?

You still think it's
a coincidence?

I don't know what to say.

Maybe he was just plain
desperate for dough. You think?

Anybody else, I'd believe
it in a second. But Pyle?

I know. I know.

I can't believe it worse
than you can't believe it.

Well, what are you gonna do?

Well, what can I do?

I've got to confront Pyle.

We've got to have a showdown.

Let him explain this... A
pawn ticket for my watch.

Hey, Duke. Here they are...

The cigars for the sergeant.

Oh, that's swell,
Gomer, really swell.

Do you think he'll like 'em?

I mean, it's a nice
enough present, isn't it?

Oh, it's nice, really nice.

If he swallowed them,
it'd be even nicer.

I don't know why you're
knocking yourself out

for the sarge, I really don't.

Well, it's a pleasure to
buy things for the sergeant,

a real honest to
goodness pleasure.

Yeah, but having to go hock
your own watch... oh, boy.

Look, I'm going to mail
this. I'll be right back.

Heads up, Gomer.
Sarge is coming this way.

The sergeant?

Yeah, you better stash those
cigars; he's headed this way.

Pyle, I want to talk to you.

Me, too, Sergeant. I
want to talk to you, too.


Get lost, Slater!

Uh, right, Sarge.

Okay, Pyle, go ahead.

Do you have
something on your mind?

Yes, sir, I sure do.

Well, uh, all
right, let's hear it.

I don't know how to
say this, Sergeant.

Give it a try, Pyle.
Give it a try, anyway.

Well, okay.

Surprise! Surprise! Surprise!


Happy Birthday, Sergeant.

Happy, Happy Birthday!

I'm sorry it's not gift-wrapped.

It's just that you caught
me by such surprise.

But the thought's there,
ribbon or no ribbon.

Here, take 'em.



I don't think it's the
brand you smoke,

but I sure hope you like 'em.

Uh, yeah.

These are two or three inches

longer than the ones
that you usually buy.

The man says they'll last
up to 15 to 20 minutes more.

Uh, listen, Pyle.

It was very nice of you
to remember my birthday,

but, just out of curiosity,

how do you come to be
able to buy expensive cigars?

I mean, right around
now, right before payday?

You would have to
ask me that, Sergeant.

Why? What's wrong
with asking that?

It's just that...

It's just that it's

What, Pyle? What's embarrassing?

How I got the money.

How did you get the money, Pyle?

Don't ask me, Sergeant.

But I am asking. Where
did you get money?

Well, I had no choice, Sergeant.

I pawned my watch.


I just didn't have a choice

seeing as how you were
born just before payday.

You pawned your watch?!

You pawned your watch?!

He pawned his watch!

Your watch? Your very own watch?

The watch that you wear?
You pawned your watch? Yours?

That's right.

Oh, well... That's...
that's very nice.

You hear that, Boyle?

He pawned his watch so that
he could buy me these cigars.

Ain't that great?!

I know. That was a great
idea, pawning your watch.

Yeah, see? It ain't there!

And you want to know
why? Because he pawned it!

Golly. I sure am
glad you both think

it was such a great idea
of me pawning my watch.

Oh, yeah! It was great, great!

Oh, it was a great idea!

(both laughing)

Thanks, Pyle.
Thanks for the cigars.

Now, you better
get yourself ready

for that cross-country
hike this afternoon.

Right, Sergeant.

Don't you worry, I'll be ready.

All I got to do is
just get... Golly!

Where in the world
did that come from?

Oh... Ain't that my watch?


Maybe there's some
more stuff up there?

Maybe you better
take a look, Boyle.

My pen.

My cigar lighter.

My ring.

Okay, Pyle, start explaining.

Well, I don't know, Sergeant.

Golly, I'm as
surprised as you are.

Well, that ain't
good enough, Pyle.

That answer ain't
good enough at all.

Maybe you better
have another try, huh?

I don't know, Sergeant, honest.

But you do know this was
stuffed on top of your locker, right?

I mean, it wasn't stuffed
on top of Molinski's locker,

or Slater's locker, was it now?



ain't that my whistle?

She's got my whistle!

Look, Sarge, there's your thief.


What's you doing up there?

I'm ashamed of you.

You almost had me in all kinds
of trouble with the sergeant.

Isn't that right, Sergeant?

If Maxine hadn't
shown up when she did,

you would've thought I was
the worst kind of sneak-thief.

How about that? It was the bird.

It wasn't Pyle. It was the bird!

How about that!

Isn't that something?

CARTER: Yeah, imagine a bird

coming in and stealing
things just like a person,

only it's not a
person, it's a bird.

And all this time, we thought...

Yeah, we thought it was
Pyle, but it wasn't Pyle;

it was Maxine!


And about Maxine stealing

all those things
from you, Sergeant.

Well, I just want
you to understand

that it wasn't
anything personal.

It was just her
way of thanking me

for setting her free that day.

Sure, Pyle, sure,
anything you say.

She sure was a grateful crow.

Okay, Pyle.

Right now, we got an
inspection to get ready for.

So let's get with it, huh?

Right, Sergeant. (Maxine caws)


I thought she was gone.

Pyle, get that bird out of here!

Yes, sir.

Maxine... please, Maxine,
you just got to leave.

This is no place for a crow.

So please go.

Please, girl... Well,
she's gone, Sergeant.

Good, let's go...

Don't tell me she did it again!


She did it again!

That mangy bird
stole my whistle!

(both shouting)

Wait, Sergeant.
It wasn't Maxine!

Sergeant Carter!
Don't get so excited!