Gomer Pyle: USMC (1964–1969): Season 1, Episode 14 - Sergeant of the Week - full transcript

A mix-up leads Carter to believe Gomer's dying.


Gomer Pyle - USMC.

Starring Jim Nabors
as Gomer Pyle.

Also starring Frank
Sutton as Sergeant Carter.


What do I smell?


Somethin' smells. What is it?

ACCENT) Is it shoe polish?


No, it's stronger.

Is it cleaning fluid?


Is it me?


It's you, Gomer.

It's just this little
bag of camphor balls.

Camphor balls?

Uh-huh, it's supposed
to be good for a cold,

and I'm comin' down.

Well, I don't know
if it's good for a cold,

but it ought to be good for
keepin' the moths off your chest.

Congratulations, men.

Do you see this?

Once again, I have not been
named "Sergeant of the Week."

Sergeant Porter
got it this week.

I think, uh, Sergeant Zelesky
got it the week before that,

and the week before
that, it was Sergeant Tully.

But have I been named
"Sergeant of the Week"?


And do you know
why I never make it?

I'll tell you why.

In order to be named
"Sergeant of the Week,"

I have to have the
cooperation of my men.

And I have not been
getting that cooperation.

Now, there are two
ways I can get that.

I can ask you all to
please, please cooperate.

That's one.

And two,

I can get on your backs
and ride the tar out of you.

Now, let's see... Let's try that

second way first, shall we?

All right, everybody
on the road!

We're gonna double-time
it around the entire base!


You heard me, Pyle! On the road!

Could I please be
excused from that there run?

Be excused? Is
that what you said?

Yes, sir, on account of
I think I'm comin' down.

You're comin' down? From where?

He's got a cold, Sergeant.

Who asked you? Get out of here!

That's right,
Sergeant. I got a cold.

I been sniffin' at
these camphor balls,

but it don't seem to do no good.

And I feel kind of heady.

There's no two ways
about it. I'm comin' down.

Well, I've got a
wonderful remedy for you.

Just fill your mouth with water,

then sit on a stove,

and when the water boils,
your cold will be gone.

All right, Pyle!

Get out on the road
and start running!


I really don't feel too
good. If I could just...

I'm gonna sweat that
cold out of you, Pyle!

In fact, I might let you
do a few extra laps!

Fall in!

Left face!

Double time, hup!

CARTER: You all like
the little trot you just had?

Well, it's only the
beginning, folks.

I'm gonna get through to you
people that I mean business

till I am made
"Sergeant of the Week."

I'm gonna stay on your backs

until I get the kind
of cooperation I want!

Did you do your two extra laps?


I did, Sergeant.

And I really feel bad.

Can I go to sick bay?

Well, okay, Pyle.
You can go to sick bay.

But you hear me good.

You better really
have something.

You better really be sick.

Easy does it, now. There you go.

Your throat's
red, quite irritated.

You've got yourself a
good, old-fashioned cold.

I felt myself comin'
down. I just knew it.

May I have some water, please?

Here. Take one of these pills.

Is that one of
them "anti" pills?


That's it. You know
about that, do you?

Yes, I know about that.

It'll make you drowsy
for about 24 hours,

but you'll be all
right tomorrow.

Thank you, sir.

Now, go back to your barracks.

Tell your sergeant I want
you to get into your bunk

and take the rest of
the day off. Yes, sir,

and may I say, sir,
I think you doctor

almost as good as Doc
Crenshaw back home.

Pyle. Yes, sir?

You can go now.

Yes, sir. Thank you, sir.

I hope we meet again sometimes
under happier circumstances.

Bye, ma'am.

What do you think you're doing?

I'm gettin' into my
bunk, Sergeant.


Doctor's orders. I'm sick.

Oh, really? What have you got?

Well, it's kind of a
washed-out feelin'.

A bad cold is what it is.

Pyle, do you think I
was born yesterday?

I've seen this act a thousand
times! Get out of that bunk!

I can't, Sergeant. I just can't.

The doctor told me to stay
in my bunk till tomorrow.

He said to tell you.

Oh, really? Well,
isn't that convenient?

You'll just happen to miss out

on this afternoon's drill
and this evening's hike.

Well, I sure am
sorry about that,

but you wouldn't want me to go
against the doctor's orders, would you?

Oh, no.

And just to make sure you
didn't misunderstand the doctor,

I'm gonna call him
up myself and find out.

You know what I mean, Pyle?



Sick bay.


Gomer Pyle's platoon sergeant?

Yes, ma'am.

Can I speak to the doctor
who examined Pyle?

Well, Lieutenant Ames had to
step outside for a few minutes.

If you don't mind
waiting, you can hold on.

Fine. He shouldn't be too long.

What do you think, Doc?

Not a chance,
Billy. He's had it.

Well, maybe if I'd seen
him earlier, who knows,

I might have been able
to help him. Not now.

Well, I thought
I'd get your advice

before I took him to the vet.

Believe me, at this stage,
a vet is a waste of time.

Who takes care of the
old boy here on the base?

One of the sergeants
down at the stable.

He's devoted to this horse.
He's gonna feel real bad.

I don't know how much
I can tell the sergeant,

but put him out in the fields

and let him enjoy his last days.

Oh, yes, Lieutenant Ames is
looking at the horse right now.

Well, if you'd like to hold
on, he should be in very soon.

Fine, just hold the wire.

All right, let's have
a look at that arm.

Oh, Lieutenant,
you have two calls.

The one on the right wants
to know about the horse.

And the one on the left

wants to know about
a Private Gomer Pyle.

Thank you. Prepare
him for x-ray.

Yes, sir.

Which call was which?

The one on the right
is about the horse.

Hello, this is Lieutenant
Ames speaking.

Hello, sir. This is
Sergeant Carter.

I was wondering if you
could give me any information

on your examination.

Well, Sergeant, I guess the
best way to put it is bluntly.

He's on his way out.


I'm sorry, Sergeant,
but he's had it.

Really, sir?

Are you sure?

Well, it happens to
all of us sooner or later.

Well, I know, but...

Somebody's been
riding him too hard.

After all when you have
somebody on your back every day,

sooner or later the
wear and tear shows.

And there's nothing you can do?

I'm afraid not, Sergeant.

Maybe if I'd seen him sooner...

I don't know.

Hello, this is Lieutenant
Ames speaking.



I guess he couldn't wait.

And he thinks he has a cold.





Hey, Sergeant.

How do you feel, boy?

Gee, Sergeant,

I feel just like I came
back from the dead.

Don't say that.

You've just got to
rest, boy, that's all.

You just have to get your rest.

But I got to get out of bed.

I got to help make you
"Sergeant of the Week."

Who cares about
"Sergeant of the Week"?

I know I got the best private,

no, the best man
on the entire base,

in my platoon.

Who's that?

You, Pyle.


Thanks, Sergeant.

I wish I had a lot of
men like you, Pyle.

I know that I pick on you

more than I do the other fellas,

but that's to keep
them on the ball.

You see that, don't
you, boy? Huh?

Well, I'll be.

Now I know why you
was always on my back.


Please, Pyle.

Don't worry, though, Sergeant.

If it helps the outfit,

you ride me all you want to.

Who's calling, please?

Sergeant Carter?

Well, just a minute. I'll
see if the Lieutenant is in.

It's Sergeant Carter, sir.


Oh, the animal lover.

I've heard of cases of man's
devotion to dumb animals,

but this one outdoes
Tarzan and Cheetah.

Lieutenant Ames speaking.

Sir, I know that you said
nothing could be done for him,

but can't anything
be done for him?

I mean, can't something
be done for him?

Look, Sergeant, I told you this
morning. He's just beyond treatment.

I know, I know, but,

well, what are we gonna
do, just let him fade out?

All you can do is try and
make him comfortable.

Yes, sir.

But if there were any
suggestions you had on,

well, how we could make
him more comfortable.

Yes, sir. Thank you, sir.

I'll write it down.

You might give him an apple

or a piece of sugar.

"An apple... "or
a piece of sugar."

Yes, sir. I've got it.

I'm sorry, sir. I
didn't quite get that.

Yes, sir. I've got a brush.

Uh, brush him?


Did you say "flies," sir?

You did?

Keep the flies off of him?

Yes, sir.

Anything else, sir?

That's about it, Sergeant.

Just make sure he rests
as much as possible.

Yes, sir. Thank you, sir.

"An apple, a piece of sugar,

"brush him, keep
the flies off of him."

Oh, no.

What'd you say, Sergeant?

Is somethin' the matter?


Golly, you look awful.

I think you ought to be
in this bed, instead of me.

No, no. I'm all right.

I feel fine, Sergeant.

I want to get up
and do some work.

No, no.

You got to follow
doctor's orders, Pyle.

I suppose the doctor means well,

but did I ever tell you
about my cousin Piedmont?

Well, he had a cold,
and they put him to bed.

Well, he was
layin' there one day,

and all of a sudden,
he went just like that.

He went just like that?

Mmm-hmm. He always went
like that when he had an idea.

And this time, his idea was to get
up out of that bed and go to work.

And sure enough,
he felt all better.

Look, Pyle, I'm here to
keep you comfortable,

so as a favor to me,

will you please stay in bed?

Well, okay, Sergeant.

But just 'cause it's a
personal favor to you, though.

I wouldn't do this
for nobody else.

(ALL TALKING) There won't be
any next time! That's all there is to it.

All right, you guys!
Knock off the noise!

Knock it off!

Can't you see we
got a sick man here?

Here, Pyle. That'll
be good for you.

Hey, Sergeant, thank you.

It's just what I wanted.
You know what they say,

"An apple a day
keeps the doctor away."


That's what they say.

Mmm. It sure is juicy.
Why don't you have some?

No, Pyle. You finish it.

That'll keep the flies
from bothering you.

Yes, sir. That's
real swell of you, sir.

Oh, uh, and another thing, Pyle.

You don't have to
call me "sir" anymore.

I know. That was
only in boot camp.

I can just call you Sergeant.

Well, I mean...

You can call me Vince.


After all we're in the
same outfit and all.

Gosh, I don't know whether
I can get used to callin' you


Well, try, okay?



But you got to call me Gomer.

Okay, Gomer.

Boy, bein' sick
can kind of be fun

when you've got a good
buddy to take care of you.

Right, Vince?

Right, Pyle.



Sit up a little, Gomer.

The doctor said this might
make you more comfortable.

Well, uh...

You just take it easy, Gomer.

Maybe read a magazine
or listen to the radio.

Just relax.

All right.

I guess you guys are
wondering what's going on,

why I was doing all
those things for Pyle,

so I'll give it to you straight.

He's a lot sicker
than I thought he was.

An awful lot sicker.

What's wrong with him, Sarge?

The doctor didn't say.

All he said was...

There was no hope for him.

On the level?

According to the doctor,

he hasn't got very long to go.

It could be any day now.

There's nothin' we
can do? Nothin'?

Nothing except
keep him comfortable

and make his last days
as happy as we can.


Is he in any pain?

You know Pyle.

Would he say anything if he was?

He's probably in
torture this very minute.


Don't go near him!

Everybody, outside!

Don't nobody go back in there!

You saw, he's got
the convulsions!

Take a walk, go to the
PX, but stay out of there!

I got to speak to
Lieutenant Ames right away!

Well, what seems
to be the matter?

Excuse, me, sir. Are
you Lieutenant Ames?

Yes, Sergeant. Why, what
seems to be the trouble?

I'm Sergeant Carter.
Remember me? I spoke to you.

Yes. Why the panic?
Anything wrong?

Well, sir, I know there's no
hope, but I got to do something.

He's got the convulsions!

I didn't think
it'd be this soon.

This soon?

Usually convulsions means
the end is near at hand.

Oh, no!

I know how you feel, Sergeant.

You have my deepest sympathies.

What a terrible way to go.

Yes. I've seen it many times.

Sir, what if we brought
him here to the hospital?

Couldn't we do that, sir?

Oh, come on, Sergeant!

Maybe I have something
here that will help you.

I should have one or two left.

Here... Give him this pill.

It may relieve some of the pain.

Give him this?

Yes, just pop it in his mouth.

How can a man
swallow a pill this size?

A man can't, but a horse
can. Just give him that pill.

It may make his last
days a little easier.

Well... Been quite
a lucky horse at that.

A horse?

He's left a proud record.

Years of faithful
service to the Corps.

A horse?

Guadalcanal, Saipan,
Iwo Jima, Korea.

Animals like yours, Sergeant,

are true heroes
in every respect.

A horse.

One of our noblest creatures.

A horse?

Yes, Sergeant. A horse.

Excuse me, sir.

Do you remember examining a
Private Gomer Pyle the other day?

Gomer Pyle... Oh, yes,
yes. He had a cold virus.

I told him to spend the
day in his bunk. Why?

I mean, there wasn't
anything serious?

A cold. Is that serious?

No, sir.

Thank you, sir.

A horse.

It's for a horse.

Hey, Vince, old buddy.
Where's everybody been?

Hey, they're givin'
the weather report.

There's a mass of cold air
comin' down from Canada.

Night and early
morning, low clouds.

It's a high today of 82.

And did you know that
the market opened steady?

All right, Pyle.

Sergeant Carter?

Captain Brinson
wants to see you.

Right now?

Right now.

All right, Pyle.

You stay right where you are.

Don't move an inch.

I'll be right back. I got
somethin' I want to say to you.

Oh, you just take your time,
good buddy. I'll wait for you.

Right over here, Sergeant.

Here. All right, now smile.

Congratulations, Sergeant
Carter. "Sergeant of the Week."


I'll read you the
official citation.

"Sergeant Vincent Carter,
Sergeant of the Week.

"Most highly recommended

"by Lieutenant C.F.
Ames, Medical Officer,

"for his compassion,

"understanding, and deep
regard for a dumb animal.

"Sergeant Carter sets an example

"worthy of the finest
traditions of the Marine Corps.

"A leader whose
exemplary behavior

"inspires both
love and respect."


Attaboy, Sergeant. Nice goin'.

Hey, Vince, old buddy.

What was it you
wanted to say to me?

Nothing, uh... I just
wanted to say, uh...

Hey, Gomer.

Well, hey, Vince.


Bless you.

Thank you.


Well, bless you again.


Vince, you know
what I think, old buddy?

I think you got my cold.


Hey, Sergeant Carter?


Hey, Sergeant.

They told me you
was feelin' poorly.

Are you comin' down?

It's just a little cold.

I was just takin' a little nap

and then back to work.

In fact, I was just
about to get up.

Oh, don't do that.
You've got to stay in bed.

No, it's all right.
I'll be all right.

Now, you stay right
where you are. You're sick.

Look, I've got some work...

And you know what else?

I'm here to make
you comfortable.

See? I brought you an apple

and a piece of sugar.

I ain't gonna let
them flies get at you.

Shoo, fly.

Look, Pyle... And
you know what else?

I'm gonna take care of you

just like you done
for me, good buddy.


Gomer. Call me Gomer.