Gomer Pyle: USMC (1964–1969): Season 1, Episode 13 - The Case of the Marine Bandit - full transcript

(MARCHING BAND PLAYING)

MALE ANNOUNCER:
Gomer Pyle - USMC.

Starring Jim Nabors
as Gomer Pyle.

Also starring Frank
Sutton as Sergeant Carter.

Whoa!

What's up, Vince?

A damsel in distress.

And in order to preserve the
image of the courteous Marine,

I think it's only right
that I should help.

Okay, but hurry up, will you?

Hey, we'll wait for you.

Are you kiddin'? You're
on your own, fellas.

Sergeant Carter is now
going on reconnaissance alone.

See you tomorrow.

Have a ball, Vince.

Hi. Can I give you a hand?

Oh, thank you... Sergeant.

Carter, Vince Carter.

Betty Ann Brewster.

Nice to meet you.

What happened?

Well, I don't know.

I stopped to pick some
flowers for my mother,

and the car just
wouldn't start again.

Well, I guess my
horoscope was right.

It said, "this day
should bring you

"unexpected opportunity
to pursue your hobby."

What's your hobby, cars?

Girls.

(LAUGHING)

Well, let's take a look, huh?

Maybe your oil filter's clogged.

(CLICKS)

No, it ain't.

Oh, Sergeant, I'm so sorry.

Oh, that's okay. I'll
get a new one in town.

Oh, no. Absolutely not.

I insist that you come to my
house, and I'll wash it for you.

Huh?

But it'll take so long to dry.

Well, then we'll just have to
sit there together until it does.

Let me get this thing fixed.

Well, thank you,
and in the meantime,

I'll just go and pick
some more flowers.

Yeah, yeah.

(IN SOUTHERN ACCENT) Hey, ma'am!

Can I give you a hand?

Well, thank you, but
that nice gentleman

was kind enough
to stop and help me.

Hey, buddy, can I
give you a hand?

Huh?

Well, I'll be! Hey, Sergeant!

Pyle, what are you doing here?

I was on my way into town,

and I just thought
I'd stop and help.

Look, Pyle, I, uh...

Oh, looky there, you
got a spot on your shirt.

All right, get moving, Pyle!

On your way! Move it!

I think your trouble
is your distributor.

I'll have it fixed in a second.

That ain't the distributor.
That's the generator.

Distributor's over there.

Get lost, Pyle. Get lost.

It ain't the distributor, miss.

Oh, there it is. I
see the trouble.

What? What is it?

Well, back home, when
one feller finds the trouble,

he gives the
letter it starts with,

and then the other
feller has to guess.

The letter's "S".

Pyle, I haven't
got time for games.

I should have said
"S.P." It's two words.

What is it?

You give up already?

Pyle!

Well, the first word's "spark."

Do you know what
the "p" stands for?

"Plug", spark plug, you get it?

Fix it, Pyle, just fix it.

Yes, sir.

You can get in the car, miss.

It'll be fixed in just a jiffy.

You see what happened, miss,

is them little rubber caps
popped off your spark plugs.

I never have seen that
happen before by accident.

Usually, you have to give them
things a good tug to get 'em off,

but I guess if you hang
around cars long enough,

you're bound to see everything.

All right, Pyle! Get a move on!

Yes, sir.

I'll just snap these little
rubber caps right back on.

First time I ever seen anything
like this happen by accident.

Give her a try now, ma'am.

(ENGINE STARTS)

Uh, thank you, Pyle.

Look, I'm sorry we can't
give you a lift into town,

but you know how
these little cars are.

They only seat two people.

Oh, that's all right.

The walk will do
me good anyways.

I'm sorry I can't
take both of you,

but since this is the young
man who fixed the car,

it's only fair that I take him.

Get in, Private.

You can sit on my lap
if you want to, Sergeant.

Oh, that was a sweet
thing for you to do, son.

I can't tell you how
much I appreciate

you takin' care of
my little girl like that.

She's all I've got.

If you don't mind
my sayin' so, ma'am,

she may be all you've got,

but what you got sure is fine.

MOTHER: I think so.

Oh, now. Gomer, your hands
must be dirty from fixing that car,

so why don't you go and wash up?

There's a fresh towel
right next to the window.

Yes, ma'am. Mechanics'
hands are always dirty.

The only time Wally's hands
were ever clean was on Sunday.

You could still tell
he was a mechanic

because of his fingernails.

Oh, right over here, Gomer.

There.

Well?

Oh, he's perfect.

Have I ever picked
a wrong one yet?

No, but we got to be
careful. Very careful.

Don't worry. I just wish
we had 10 Gomers.

I hope he's as dumb as
that sailor we had in Norfolk.

Mom, next to Gomer, that
sailor was Albert Einstein.

He sounds too good to be true.

Believe me, my only problem

was choosing between Gomer

and the sergeant who
stopped to help me.

He ran Gomer a
pretty close second.

Ma'am?

Well, what is it, Gomer?

Ma'am, I just made
a terrible mistake.

Well, what happened?

Well, you remember you told me

that the towel was
right by the window?

Yes.

Well, before I realized
it wasn't a towel,

I dried my hands
on the curtains.

He's perfect. Just perfect.

What?

Oh, I was just telling Betty Ann

how perfectly wonderful
you were to help her.

And I told Betty Ann

that I insist that
you stay for dinner.

Well, I don't know
whether I ought to do that.

Oh, please, Gomer.
Please say you'll stay.

You mean a regular dinner,

where you sit down at
a table and everything?

Just the three of us.

Just one little, happy family.

Ma'am, you're makin'
my eyeballs puddle up.

Will you stay?

Will I?

Oh, good.

And, Gomer, don't
call me "ma'am."

Call me "Mom"?

Okay,

Mom.

Oh, thank you, son!

And I'm going to cook you
the finest meal you ever ate.

Candied yams and noodle
pudding, hominy grits,

and my specialty,

chicken and dumplings
cooked in sherry wine.

Oh, my!

I just remembered I'm
fresh out of cooking sherry.

Gomer, dear, will
you do me a favor?

Sure. Anything, ma'am.

"Mom."

Mom.

Look, would you mind
going to the spirits store...

Spirits store?

Well, I just hate to
say the word... "liquor."

You are a good woman.

You just tell me what you
want, and I'll get it for you.

Oh, fine.

Now, I'll just write
down the kind to get.

It's a special kind.

And I'm going to put in a check

for the man at
the store to cash.

He does that for me.

Betty Ann, you
sure are a lucky girl.

She's the sweetest
mom I ever met.

She certainly is.

Well, here you are, son.

Now, you just hand this

to the man at the store,

and he'll give you what I want.

And remember,
he'll be giving you

a little money to bring back
for the check I put in there.

Okay, Mom.

Just tell me where
that store's at.

Oh, I'm going to drive you
there, Gomer, and wait for you.

Good. We'll see you later, Mom.

Oh, he's just perfect.

(BELLS JINGLE)

Good afternoon. May I help you?

Say!

You got just about everything
in here, haven't you?

Yes, sir.

Is there something
I can help you with?

Oh, it's all wrote down
here in the note, exactly.

Do you understand
the note all right?

Are you sure all
the money's there?

I'm glad I asked. I
wouldn't want no mistakes.

Much obliged, buddy.

Ma'am, that's the
best-tastin' apple pie

I've had since I left home.

Thank you, Gomer. But,
that's sweet of you to say.

I mean it.

Well, Gomer, we'd like you to
come for dinner whenever you can.

Gosh, I just don't
have the words

to express my appreciation.

Well, you don't have to, Gomer.

You've been ever
so helpful already.

Well, it's been my privilege.

I just wish there was
more I could do for you.

Well, I'm sure you two children

don't need an old
lady sitting around,

so I'm just going
to mosey off to bed.

Oh. Oh, Betty Ann, will you
bring me that dish, please?

Now, he's in your hands now.

You make sure he
wants to come back.

Good night, son.

'Night, Mom.

Shall we sit?

Gomer?

Huh?

What do you do in Mayberry

when you're sitting with a girl

with the lights turned down low?

You really want to see?

Mmm-hmm.

I'll have to pull
down the shade.

All right.

Okay.

Are you ready?

Go ahead.

Now, tell the truth.

Don't that look like
a real, live swan?

So, tell us the whole story,
Gome. What happened?

So, her car is stalled...

Well, I give her the once-over,

and then I realize
she popped her plugs.

She wasn't even sparkin'.

No. Who cares
about the car, Gome?

What about the girl? The girl...

Yeah, was the girl pretty?

Oh, Betty Ann was
more than pretty,

she was beautiful.

You ask Sergeant
Carter. He seen her.

And she's got
this sporty little car.

It's fire-engine red
with whitewall tires.

Gomer, what happened?

Well, then her mom,

this sweet, little old lady,

home-cooked us a chicken dinner

with candied yams
and all the fixings.

We ain't interested
in your diet.

What happened?

Then we went
into the livin' room,

where the lights had
been turned down real low.

And? And? And?

You see, her mom had gone
to bed and left me and Betty Ann

sittin' there on the
sofa in the dark.

And? And? And?

Well, we sat there a while,

and then I done
some of my silhouettes

on the window shade.

And that made her
sleepy, so I went on home.

Oh, boy.

All right! Everybody
out on the road!

Hey, Sergeant!

I was just tellin' the fellers
what happened yesterday.

Ain't life funny?

Just think. If you'd have fixed
Betty Ann's car, instead of me,

you'd have been the one that had
that home-cooked meal instead of me.

You had dinner with her? Uh-huh.

And you'd have been the one sittin'
in the parlor with her instead of me.

You sat in the parlor with her?

Uh-huh. Ain't life funny?

On the road, Pyle.

Just because I fixed
her car instead of you.

Outside, Pyle!

Ain't life funny, though?
Tell the truth. Ain't...

Move it, move it, move it!

You must think me
awfully silly, Gomer,

but I ran out of
cooking sherry again.

Oh, don't worry, ma'am.

I'll be glad to go get you some.

I knew you would. Oh,
you are such a dear boy.

Well... I wrote down
exactly what I want.

So you just hand this
envelope to the clerk.

Like you did yesterday.

I like shoppin' like this.

You can't forget nothin'.

Did you put the check
in the envelope, Mother?

Oh, yes, dear.

Oh, those darling Boy Scouts

were around this
morning for a donation,

and I gave them all my cash.

So, Gomer, you make sure
the clerk gives you the change.

Oh, he will, ma'am.

He's a real friendly feller.

We're going to a different
liquor store today, Gomer...

One on Fairview Street.

The man isn't doing too well,

and Mother thinks we ought
to give him the business.

Oh, you are two of
the most kindly people

I've ever known.

I hope them
storekeepers appreciate

what you're doin' for 'em.

Off you go.

Good afternoon, sir.

Hey, there, buddy.
How are things goin'?

Sort of quiet.

Well, this ought to
brighten up your day some.

Hey, you guys see this?

"Marine bandit strikes again."

Hey, how about that guy? He
knocked off another liquor store.

How do you figure? Do
you think he's a real Marine?

No, he wouldn't
wear his uniform.

He'd have to be an idiot.

No, sir, no real Marine
would do anything like that.

Why, that'd be a disgrace
to the whole Corps.

That's what it'd be.

You people that
are going on liberty,

make sure you're squared away.

All set, Sarge.

Take off.

Let's go, guys.

(MEN CHATTERING)

(SNIFFS)

What is that?

Stout-Hearted Men.

What?

Stout-Hearted Men. That's the
name of the new hair tonic I'm usin'.

The radio announcer says

it has that clean,
masculine aroma.

You wouldn't, by any
chance, have another date?

Yes, sir.

Oh, you remember Betty Ann,
the girl that popped her plugs?

She had that little-bitty car,
and she had room for me,

and she didn't
have room for you.

I remember, I remember.

Ain't life funny, Sergeant?

If you'd fixed Betty
Ann's car, instead of me,

you'd be the one goin' in
for dinner in the evenin'.

I'll tell you, life
sure is funny.

Get out of here!

(ENGINE STARTS)

Now, the store
is right over there.

Gomer, are you sure
you have the note?

You bet you, I have.

CARTER: Pyle!

Hey, Sergeant. What
are you doin' here?

I've been lookin'
all over for you.

You have? Is
somethin' the matter?

You've got to get
back to the base.

Hi, Betty Ann.

Hello, Sergeant.

But why, sir?

I never saw anyone leave
his bunk in such a mess!

The hospital corners on
your bunk were a disgrace!

They were?

Pyle, you'd better get back

before the duty officer
checks the barracks,

or he'll really lay you out.

If you hurry, you can
probably just make it.

But I got to pick up
somethin' for Betty Ann's mom.

Please, it won't take
very long, Sergeant.

Well, how about I do
it? He's got to get back.

BETTY ANN: Well...

Well, any little errand
he can run, I can run.

Well, I suppose so.

I guess it'll be all right.

Well, it's that store
right there, Sergeant.

And you just give
the clerk this note,

and he'll give you a
bottle of cookin' sherry,

and there's a check in
there he'll cash for you.

It's all in the note.

Okay. Now you get
to the bus station

and get the first
bus back to the base.

I hope you beat
the duty officer.

Don't worry, Sergeant, I will,
and thank you for warnin' me.

Bye, Miss Betty Ann.

I got to get back
to the base now,

but the Sergeant Carter here
will take over real fine for me.

Get the car started,
honey. I'll be right back.

Good afternoon, Sergeant.

You certainly seem happy today.

You'd be happy, too, if
you were in my shoes.

Here. It's all in the envelope.

And make it snappy. I got a
lot of lost time to make up for.

I know exactly what you mean.

(WHISTLING)

Come on! I ain't
got all night! Move it!

(WHISTLING)

Hi, Mom.

Hello, dear. Dinner's
almost ready, Gom...

What happened to Gomer?

Well, he had to go
back to the base.

This is Sergeant Carter, who
was nice enough to fill in for Gomer.

Hi, Mom. I've heard
a lot about you.

Oh, thank you, Sergeant.

Now, you just make
yourself at home,

and we'll be back in a minute.

I'll be waitin' for you.

What happened?
Why did Gomer leave?

Well, he's so stupid, he
can't even make his bed right.

They sent him back to camp.

I'm afraid of this one.

A Private, okay, but
this one's a Sergeant.

They're smarter.

Oh, not this one. He's the
one I was telling you about.

He was with
Gomer that first day.

Besides, he already
pulled our job for us.

Look, it's our biggest haul yet.

(SOFT JAZZ PLAYING ON RADIO)

ANNOUNCER ON RADIO: We
now repeat the special news bulletin

we gave you a few minutes ago.

The Marine Bandit
has struck again.

For the third time
in as many days,

a liquor store was victimized
by this daring bandit.

Today, the scene of the crime was
Harry's Liquor Store on Jefferson Avenue.

Hey, did you hear that?

CARTER: The Marine Bandit
just hit the liquor store we were in.

This time, the bandit wore the
uniform of a Marine Sergeant.

The dirty rat.

According to the
proprietor's description,

the Sergeant was
about 5'10" tall,

stockily built, thick-necked,

with beady, brown
eyes and a crew haircut.

That kind always has beady eyes.

And as in the two
previous robberies,

he handed the proprietor
a note in a white envelope,

demanding money and
a bottle of cooking sherry.

Stay tuned for more details.

(MUSIC CONTINUES)

White envelope...

Cooking sherry.

Marine!

Here, Mom. I've got everything.

Good. Well, that
ought to hold him.

Come on.

These are the ones,
officers! These two right here!

All right, you two.

Shame, shame, shame on you!

What you two done is
a disgrace to ladyhood!

And to think you
used me to help you.

Ill-gotten gains is what it was!

Ill-gotten gain!

I'll take care of the
Sergeant, Officer.

All right, Fred,
take her on out.

C'mon, lady.
All right, let's go.

Hey, Sergeant.

(MUFFLED YELLING)

Ain't this the awfulest
thing you ever seen?

And I thought they
was such nice ladies.

Why, they had me
buffaloed right from the start.

(MUFFLED YELLING)

They had me workin' for 'em.

Gettin' 'em their
ill-gotten gains.

I know what you're thinking. You
want to know how I caught on to 'em.

Well, this is the
way it was, Sergeant.

There I was, sittin'
in the bus station,

waitin' on the bus to
take me back to the camp,

just like you told me to,

with nothin' else on my mind
except them hospital corners,

when, all of a sudden, this
feller's voice come on the radio

and said the Marine
Bandit had struck again.

Well, he had such
a nice, deep voice,

you couldn't help
but pay attention to it.

And then he said the
bandit had this crew haircut

and was a little stocky.

You are kind of
stocky, Sergeant.

Not "plump" stocky,

but I spot a jiggle in your
jowls every once in a while.

Anyway, he said about
the envelope and the letter,

so I just put two
and two together.

Ain't life funny, Sergeant?

Just think, if you
hadn't have found me,

I'd be sittin'
there all tied up,

and you'd be
sittin' here talkin'.

Ain't life funny, now?

Whoa!

Pyle!

Hey, Sergeant!

I was just fixin'
this nice lady's car.

Her valves need grindin',

but I think I can get her to go.

Yeah, well, suppose you
let me take over from here on.

Huh?

I said, get lost.

But, Sergeant, I...

Pyle, you did it to me once.

So I'm doing it
right back to you.

You cut me out with
that Betty Ann dame.

Yeah, but she turned
out to be a robber.

That's right, so the
law of averages says

this should turn
out right this time.

But, Sergeant,
I... Beat it, Pyle.

But, Sergeant...
Move it, move it!

How do, ma'am?

I hope you don't mind, but the
Private had to leave on urgent business,

so I'll take over for him, okay?

Oh, bless you, son.

It's so sweet of you to do this.