Go 8 Bit (2016–2018): Season 1, Episode 1 - Episode #1.1 - full transcript

Hello, I'm Dara O Briain,
and welcome to Go 8 Bit,

the show for everyone who has ever
visited London Zoo and been slightly

disappointed that the gorillas
weren't standing on scaffolding,

throwing barrels at a plumber.

We're here to celebrate the ability
of video games to let you win the

football Premiership
single-handedly,

drunk at three o'clock
in the morning

from the comfort of
your own pyjamas.

Joining gaming wizard Steve McNeil's
team this week

is a woman who used to be a lawyer
and once worked in America

with hardened criminals on
death row.



I can't top that, although I did
once share a stage with BLEEP.

LAUGHTER

It's Susan Calman.

APPLAUSE

With gaming muggle Sam Pamphilon
is a man with 53 England caps

who's played in
Euro 2004 and the 2010 World Cup,

so he's used to taking part in
top-level professional competitions.

Boy, is he going
to be disappointed tonight!

It's David James.

APPLAUSE

And keeping everyone in the check is
the only person in the country who

actually owned a Gizmondo, it's our
resident games expert, Ellie Gibson.

APPLAUSE

Susan, let me go to you first.
How big a gamer are you?



I'm a pretty big gamer.

When I was a student,
that was when I first got my PS1,

and just weekends with
a crate of lager and Resident Evil.

I mean, I was a very, very, very
lonely, lonely woman.

And I've just...
I'm in a relationship now

with someone who's as big
a gamer as I am. That's perfect.

And so we just lock
the door on a Friday night

and sit in our pants playing games.

Two crates of lager.
Two crates of lager!

"Hello? My usual order?

"I'd like you to double it."
"Oh, congratulations."

"Yes, we're very happy."

And, David,
legendarily a gamer as well.

"Legendarily"? Inasmuch as, it was
once given by you as an excuse,

was that after a
particular match or...?

Essentially, what I said was
I enjoy playing...

games a lot before games,
before matches.

And possibly, the lack of nervous
energy had an influence on the game,

and that was it. I wasn't addicted.

I definitely wasn't addicted.
I'm not even obsessive,

I just like doing particular
things a lot.

And at the time...

"I just can't stop, and if you stop
me doing it, I'll kill you."

I actually thank you for
my opponent being,

not the only England goalkeeper,

but the tallest man you could
possibly find.

David James, how tall are you, 6'4"?

6'5"-ish. I'm getting old now.

Is there any chance I can get you to
just stand up back-to-back in

a kind of an illustration of what
the level of competition is.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

It's like a gaming version of Twins.

OK, tonight, our two teams will be
battling it out over five different

video games, representing the very
best of gaming history.

So let's start with a classic from
the days when enjoying a legal high

meant having
a go on a bouncy castle.

Ellie, what do we need to know?

Well, teams, it's time to start
bricking it as we play Tetris!

APPLAUSE

Tetris is a deceptively simple
puzzle game.

The idea is to arrange different
shapes into neat rows.

Create a full line
and it will disappear.

Clear four lines at once
and you've achieved a Tetris.

If the pile of shapes reaches the
top of the screen, it's game over.

In 1989, Nintendo bundled Tetris
with the new Game Boy hand-held

and it became a cultural phenomenon,
with 35 million units sold.

The PC version came with a boss
button, so people playing at work

could press a key when their boss
walked by to switch to something

less incriminating,
like a spreadsheet or pornography.

Tetris is the brainchild of Russian
computer programmer Alexey Pajitnov.

In order for his game to see the
light of day,

Pajitnov had to hand over legal
ownership to the Soviet government.

He said later...

Now, of course, the issue of human
rights in Russia is black and white.

There aren't any!

APPLAUSE

So that's Tetris,
which came out 30 years ago.

And, for those of you who've played
it, many people probably

didn't know it was owned by
the Russian government.

That's right. So they are in fact
communists, so well done.

And tiny as well, a tiny game.

The original Tetris game file
was only 27kb,

which is about ten times smaller
than the average Word document.

And have you played it? Yes.

When I was younger, there were two
things I coveted more than anything.

My brother had a Pac-Man watch.

DARA GASPS

I know.

And a Game Boy with Tetris,

and I was only allowed to use it
when he was asleep.

So I used to get up in the middle
of the night

and crawl into his room and take it
out and sit in the hall

and then put it back again.

He doesn't know... Don't watch this.

LAUGHTER

David, did you ever get the Tetris
effect where you play

for hours and hours and hours and
you're seeing blocks and gaps.

Have you ever experienced that?

This is probably the first example
of enjoying something a lot.

It feels like we've had a
breakthrough.

Because we know, David, it's one of
your favourite games

and we are very glad to have you,
we've got you a little gift.

I don't know if you would consider

modelling it for us right here,
right now.

This is actually
a playable Tetris T-shirt.

Let me play him! Let me play him!

This is a genuine,
playable, white T-shirt.

I'd imagine one wash...

You get your one...

Hang on...

Now, David, if you want to perch on
the edge of the...

Just perch there for me, love.

So you've got your arrow buttons.

Can we put the lights down
so we can see it?

This is so weird.

Harder.

Someone phone my mum! It's a boy!

Stick it in there,
stick it in there. That's it, yeah.

See if you can get a line, Susan.
See if you can clear a line for us.

Ah, ah, ah...

CHEERING

Thank you very much, David.

OK, let's get playing the
game proper.

Ellie, what are the rules
of our game?

We're playing
a Wii version of Tetris.

Captains Steve and Sam are pressing
the buttons

while their team-mates issue
commands like,

"Up", "Down", "What are you doing,
you idiot?" And so on.

And just to make things a
little bit more interesting,

Steve and Sam will be blindfolded,
so clear communication is the key.

Now, the studio audience will decide
the scoring and they've all logged

into the show on their smartphones,

allowing them to vote for the team
that they think will win Tetris.

So, audience, based on what you've
heard so far,

which team do you think will win?

Sam and David, or Steve and Susan?

Please vote now.

There we go. Let's see what the
audience think.

62% voted Sam and David.
SUSAN: Oh, come on!

Not as good as I would have hoped.
No, it's fine.

Which means the winning team will
receive 62 points.

So, teams, controllers at the ready.

Let's go. Spin this thing!

CHEERING

OK, Sam and Steve, you can put your
blindfolds on now, please.

In...three,

two,

one - let's go 8 bit.

All right.

OK, here we go, blindfold Tetris.

We have Stephen and Susan on the
left and David and Sam on the right.

They've already chosen sides here.

Yes, they're already
getting into it.

That's an error already.

Steve will not be happy with that.

SUSAN: Right, right, right!

Drop, drop! Perfect.

First line goes to Sam and Dave.

Left, left, left, left!

Drop, drop, drop!

That is the trick with Steve -

you do have to repeat the word eight
times and then he finally gets it.

Do you know?
I genuinely think that David James

is lining up doubles and triples.

Genuinely very good at this.

Drop? Drop, drop!

Right, go left.
Rotate left, rotate left.

Rotate left! Right! Right!

No!

Right, Right!

No!

I can't see!

Rotate left! Yes.

Right! Drop!

Beginning to go terribly wrong for
Susan and Steve.

Rotate left. Rotate left!

Right, right, right!

AUDIENCE GROANS

They cannot get
a line together here.

Right! No, left! Left!

Do you know the difference?

Right. Right.

Left. Spin.

Left, left, left.
Rotate right, rotate right.

Right, right!

Drop! Drop!

Left. Drop.

Right, right, right!

Drop!

And look at this, look at what
David James has set up.

He's going for a Tetris!

Oh, he won't get one.

APPLAUSE

Easy, easy!

Susan, what went wrong?

She doesn't know the difference
between left and right. No...

Somebody can't HEAR the difference
between left and right.

And he was having difficulty
following...

SIMPLE INSTRUCTIONS!

And, Sam, you seemed to be getting
clearer instructions.

I've never been so well-behaved
in my entire life.

I didn't say a word.
He was in my head, "Left, spin."

I felt like I was in the
army or something. It was beautiful.

I felt dominated!

That means that the 62 points go to
Sam and David.

APPLAUSE

In part two,
we'll be playing Susan and David's

favourite ever video games.

Find out what they are when we
return for more Go 8 Bit.

APPLAUSE

Welcome back to Go 8 Bit,

the episode we're calling
Go 8 Bit: Ultracompetitive Edition.

Already we've seen Sam and David
comprehensively lick Susan and Steve

in our first game, Tetris. Now we
ask our two guests to delve...

What? I meant in a sporting sense.

That was comprehensive. Thank you!

You would never sexually
comprehensively lick somebody.

"There's hardly a bit of me you
didn't cover there."

"It wasn't nice, but it was
comprehensive, I'll give you that."

OK, now we ask our two guests to
delve into their gaming pasts

and nominate one of their
favourite ever video games.

And first to choose theirs,
for Steve's team, is Susan.

Susan, what game have you chosen?

I've chosen Chuckie Egg.

CHEERING

And it's been about 30 years
since I played this.

So I have fond memories,
but it may be awful.

Ellie, tell us more about it.

Yes, it's time for our contestants
to engage in a bit of cockfighting.

Let's find out more.

Video games were pretty
weird in the '80s.

Take The Shaky Game, where you had
to rescue Shakin' Stevens

from vampires for some reason.

Or The Oregon Trail, which had jolly
themes like typhoid and cholera.

And, of course, Chuckie Egg,
the game that captured all the fun

of mass-scale
battery chicken farming.

Creator Nigel Alderton began
programming when he was just 13,

and finished Chuckie Egg in his
school holidays at the age of 16.

It was released in 1983,

and went on to sell more than
a million copies.

Alderton was inspired by
arcade classics

Space Panic and Donkey Kong,

which explains why there are so many
ladders in the game.

But not why it sounds like a
flatulent fax machine.

CLICKING AND BEEPING

Playing as Hen-House Harry,

your job is to collect a dozen eggs
from each level.

Watch out for Mother Duck,

because once she escapes from
her cage, she'll fly around

trying to peck you to death,

presumably before being recaptured
and left to eat her young

while standing in
a pile of her own faeces.

Isn't farming fun?

APPLAUSE

Who was better at these games,
you or your brother, by the way?

All I know is that, in those days,

you got bootleg tapes from your
friends and it was written in biro,

Chuckie Egg, and they used to swap
tapes around.

I like the way you said bootleg.
Bootleg wasn't a pirate, was it?

Bootleg was all right,
but pirate was all wrong.

Yeah, everyone used to have your
blazers stuffed full of tapes of

different games and you
would swap them. It was great.

In those days, when copyright was
less of an issue...

LAUGHTER

..you used to just swap games.

It was good crime.
Yeah, it was good crime.

It was a happy crime.

Who got hurt, apart from the people
who made the games?

They didn't know they
were getting hurt. Exactly.

The fact I grew up to be an
intellectual property

and copyright specialist -
I'm now remembering that.

APPLAUSE

Let's not worry about that!

It looks...

Sam, have you ever played it?

It's awful. Have you ever collected
eggs in a real-life context?

My mum had some chickens.

Your mother had chickens? They were
very nervous chickens and I didn't

realise that they laid eggs
and the shells would never harden.

Because that's how chickens...

Oh, they'll be shouting in your ear
in a minute.

The chickens don't have
massive bumholes.

The egg, it comes out and it's soft
and when it hits the air it hardens.

Does it come out of their bumhole?
It doesn't, it doesn't. They have...

LAUGHTER

I've given birth twice and I don't
THINK that's how it works.

OK, no, look it up,
they've got, like...

They've got bum-gina things.
They've got...

They've got bum-gina things?

They have, honestly! I looked it up.

I had chickens!

It's funny, because in my ear
they're saying, "No, tell us more."

It's great. It's like Springwatch.

Ellie, while we try to lose that
image from our heads,

what are the rules of our game?

Susan is taking on Sam now.

They'll be racing to see who can
collect all their eggs first.

So will it be Susan or Sam?

Go on, Sam! Thank you, David James!
Go on, Sam!

Let's have a look at how you think
it's going to go.

64% think Susan will win,
only 36% think Sam.

Which means they're playing
for 64 points. Oh, God!

So, Susan and Sam,
controllers at the ready,

time to slightly rotate the stage!

CHEERING

OK, teams, you're ready to go.

It's level two we're playing,
you've got five lives.

In three,

two,

one - let's go 8 bit.

CHEERING

Susan's already fallen down a hole
at the bottom of the screen.

She also looks like she's fallen in
a hole in real life.

I don't know quite...

Why she has to play the game in
stealth mode herself?

Oh, no, OK.

Now, she can jump.
Is she aware she can jump?

No.

No, Susan is...

Oh!

They both managed to lose a life
at the same moment.

Don't get angry at me!
It's like Romeo And Juliet...

It's my turn to shout at you now.
..with chickens.

We've got to see if
Susan can master these jumps...

Jump!

Once you're up, don't push left or
right. There you go, now.

CHEERING

No! Aw!

It's a tiny victory.

Sam was very confident earlier.

If I said the word "hubris" to him,

he wouldn't understand
what it meant.

Susan is lost in an endless cycle.

No! Quick, go, go, go.

Uh-oh!

Wow, they are both actually
terrible at this game.

Sam has six eggs, Susan has seven
to collect.

Sam has collected more,

because it seems that he's mastered
the jump in a way

that Susan can't quite get.

Again, I can see
David in his ear, just.

The calm in the void, Sam,
the calm in the void. Stay focused.

I think we'll need to watch again
Susan's technique

of endlessly cycling around things.
There she goes.

No, no! Oh, my God, no.

Oh, he's done it! Sam has won!

APPLAUSE

Susan, those hours of effort didn't
pay off, did they?

Would have been better to get
some sleep, I feel.

I am...genuinely
quite upset about that.

And you did seem, unfortunately,
within the game,

to get trapped in a particular,
damaging cycle of behaviour.

We can see it again, actually.
Oh, good(!)

There you go.

And then you go up and you
go around again.

APPLAUSE

It does mean that the
64 points go to Sam and David.

APPLAUSE

Time for our next game. Now, David,
what game are you nominating?

Tekken.

CHEERING

A popular choice in the room.
Ellie, tell us more.

Well, if beat-em-ups could fight
amongst themselves,

Tekken would come out on top.
Let's have a look.

The original Tekken was
released in 1994.

It was one of the first fighting
games to showcase 3-D graphics,

the first PlayStation game to sell
a million copies and the first

beat-em-up to feature a kangaroo
in a bikini called Roger.

Tekken was created by
Katsuhiro Harada.

He was worried his family would
think the game was too violent

so he kept his job a secret from
them for ten years.

His cover was blown when his mum saw
him promoting Tekken 5

on the front of a magazine.

Harada was sent to bed
without any tea,

which was particularly
embarrassing as, by then, he was 34.

Today, the game is still popular
with fans

and there's even
a Tekken Museum in Osaka.

Here you can see memorabilia,
original artwork,

and life-size statues of
Jin and Kazuya.

Don't know about you, but I'd swap
those for the Elgin Marbles any day.

APPLAUSE

Well, that's Tekken 2.
I have to say...

I have to say, David, an excellent
choice. Why did you love it so much?

Well, it was a weird game, because
if you play it on your own,

you can basically beat everyone up

just by crouching down
and kicking their feet.

And then when your mates came over,
you got the BLEEP kicked out of you.

Steve, what are your plans
right now?

I do like fighting games,
I'm all right at Virtua Fighter,

I'm good at Mortal Kombat. Boo!

Nothing wrong with Mortal Kombat!
Whoa, whoa, whoa...

Mortal Kombat was a load of photos
stuck together-ish.

At least in Tekken you made
them move, rather than these

different photos going like that...
David? David James?

This is an audience of people whose
entire life is video games.

You've insulted... You've
essentially insulted their sister...

Don't get me started on
Street Fighter.

AUDIENCE GROANS
Street Fighter's brilliant!

They turned quickly!

Genuinely love that moment -
"Ah...!

"Don't you come after
Street Fighter!"

I used to like Street Fighter...

SUSAN: Right. And then what
happened?

But then Tekken came along.

SUSAN: Wow. He's right, he's right.
No, he's not!

I never played Tekken, that's the
problem. Do you know what that is?

It's people who said they
liked Kylie Minogue,

then Dannii Minogue came along.
It's selfish...

Just because a woman gets
a BIT older...

That is exactly the parallel
I was going to go for.

Ellie, what are the rules
of our game?

Steve will be fighting as King,
while David will be playing as Law.

The winner will be the first player
to win three bouts.

Will it be David
or the now-cowering Steve?

Vote now.

SUSAN: I have a good feeling about
this. Yeah? Yeah. Really?

Why?

OK, let's see what the
audience think.

61... Oh, that's tighter!

So, David and Steve,
controllers at the ready,

it's time to go clockwise.

CHEERING

OK. David, Steve,

I'm going to change
my normal count into this.

In three,

two,

one -

fight!

OK, here we go.

I like the way King dressed in a
formal dress attire for this.

Yes. Oh, my God! OK.

Wearing a tie for a fight.

Oh, hello, hello.
He's crouching and kicking,

the very thing... Oh!

Yeah, wearing a tie for a fight is
a very Steve thing to do.

Oh!

He's been practising.
And his tie...

Turns out that this could be
tighter than we thought.

Oh, kick...

Oh, my God!

CHEERING

Whoo!

The very move that David James said
you don't do in a fight,

where you crouch and kick...

Half your points lost to that.

He's grimacing here at this stage.

Steve, can you keep this up? Can you
keep this up? I've no idea!

Yes!
CHEERING

Can we also compliment you
on the fact

that you're wearing braces
and a tie?

Not normal fighting. OK.

Three... Like Niles from Frasier.
..two,

one - fight!

Here we go again, 1-0 to Steve.

Looks like it might be 2-0
very shortly,

unless David does something.

No, no, David James has come
spinning back into it.

With the Bruce-Lee-inspired
Marshall Law.

Oh, this is much tighter.

Oh... Wait, wait, wait, wait...

Oh, no! The giant spinning kick.

And the momentum may have changed.

Some close fighting here.

Oh!

This is incredibly tense.

You can't get hit again!

He's backing away!

CHEERING

Again, with the David Jamesing
of David James.

I told you I was no good against
other people.

The more this goes on, the more
unbelievably tense it gets.

Here we go, three, two, one -

fight!

Oh, no, no...

Now, remember, if Steve wins
this bout, it's all over.

Leeds Castle in
the background there.

Incredibly specific advice being
shouted from the crowd.

This is...

David has definitely uncovered the
spinning Bruce Lee movement.

Oh!

Oh, he kicked him in the back!

He kicked him in the back when
he went past him.

I think you've made David James
angry, Steve. You've made him angry!

I think this one may be going
David James'... Oh, there it is!

APPLAUSE

Beautiful. I feel sick.

Do you want to spit in a bucket?

Three, two, one...fight! OK!

All right.

Steve could still win this.

If Steve wins this match,
he has won the game.

It does feel that...

David James has turned a corner,
I feel. Oh, my God.

Now he's...

There's a woman in the audience
shouting, "Smash, smash, smash!"

Yes. David James' face!

It's just...
He looks like he's about to...

It's going to go to the final round!

He looks like he's about to
try and catch a ball,

isn't that...? Is that what he does?
It is unbelievably tight!

Oh... Come on now.

Backing away!

Can David James go...?

Oh, come on!

No! Oh!
CHEERING

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God.

The woman who was shouting,
"Smash, smash!"

OK, can Steve pull it off, or is
David going to do a great comeback?

For the final time,

three, two, one...fight!

Here we go. Death match!

It's on. Got a few early low blows
in, he's got a few blows in.

Oh, he's rocking him.
Oh, hello, he's returned.

Where was this fighter for
the last two fights?

Oh, my God! Oh, my gosh!

A combo move!

David James has yet to
get a single hit.

He can't win it now.
But he's coming for him now.

He's not laid a...
It could even be perfect.

This could be embarrassing.
Is he going to win it perfectly?

Smash it!

CHEERING

APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH

Ah, no.

That was an incredible fight, an
incredible fight from both of you.

It's not the best fight I've
ever had, but...

It's the best fight I've ever had.

We all can take our breath back,

it means that 61 points
go to Steve and Susan.

APPLAUSE

After the break,
our teams will be feeling the Force

when we play one of the year's
biggest games,

and we return for more Go 8 Bit.

APPLAUSE

Welcome back to Go 8 Bit.

I'm joined by Sam and David,

who are leading Steve and Susan
in tonight's video gaming face-off.

But, Ellie, what's next?

It's got guns, it's got space,

it's got more snow than Facebook
after a light flurry...

it's Star Wars Battlefront.

APPLAUSE

Since the original film
was released in 1977,

there have been more than
100 Star Wars video games.

Of these, approximately 95%
have been rubbish.

The worst offenders include
Yoda Stories.

Imagine Pokemon,
but with more sand and no fun.

Then there was Star Wars Episode I:
The Gungan Frontier.

Yeah, George, because what we really
wanted was more Jar Jar Binks.

Most terrible of all was 2012's
Kinect Star Wars,

with its
galactic dance-off minigame,

in which two of the coolest
characters in history

are stripped of all the
credibility they ever had,

while George Lucas takes a giant
racehorse wee-wee

over the final remains
of his already soiled legacy.

Anyway, the good news is that
Battlefront breaks with tradition

by being a great Star Wars game.

It's an action shooter, where you
can play as Luke, Leia, Darth Vader,

and even Boba Fett.

Sadly, however, there's no option
to waterboard Jar Jar Binks

repeatedly in the Millennium Falcon
toilet while crying,

"Why, George, why? Why?!"

APPLAUSE

Star Wars Battlefront,

the best Star Wars game since that
one in the console in the big,

you know, thing which you used to
shoot with the wireframe graphics.

Did you ever play that?
That was sweet. I remember, yeah.

Everyone had a holiday memory of
playing that

and you could blow up the
Death Star. Really quickly!

And then they rebuilt it and
there was another Death Star.

God, it was like... And then
there was another Death Star.

I mean, they'd never
do that in the films.

Have you played it?
Have you played Battlefront?

I played Battlefront once.

After I had had a couple
of glasses of wine...

..with a friend...

and we never
spoke again after that.

I got a bit...

Really? You?
I find this very hard to believe(!)

It's a side of you you're not happy
with, and you don't want...?

It's a side of me which I think
should stay quite far down.

Would you call it a...dark side?
AUDIENCE GROANS

I WOULD call it a dark side.
I would call it a dark side.

APPLAUSE

But you are playing, it's you versus
David playing death match.

Yeah, that's right, and, yeah,
we've picked Luke and Darth...

Because you can play as Luke
Skywalker, obviously, in the game.

What other characters
are in the game?

You can play as Boba Fett,
you can play as Greedo,

you can play as Darth, all sorts.

And there's also some
less well-known characters.

Here's someone else you can play as.

That's right,
you can be Jeremy Corbyn.

They really have got that likeness
thing down, now, haven't they?

That's creepy, yeah.

OK. Ellie, what are
the rules of our game?

David will be playing as
Luke Skywalker,

while Susan will be fighting
as his dad.

Oh, spoilers!

The first player...

The first player to rack up
100 points, the winner will be.

Yeah, that's my Yoda impression.
Didn't you know he's from Catford?

David, have you played any of these
kind of like, death...

I mean, he was rubbish at Tekken,
wasn't he? Tell you what,

my confidence is as low as it
possibly can be.

I'm like Boba Fett.
You know Boba Fett?

He was this amazing bounty hunter,
got in one fight and died.

I'm sure he'd had other fights,
but they just didn't show them.

Well, he had a lot of marks
on him, I reckon...

Yeah, he had loads of wins.

Just remember that.

He did really, really well.

OK. As you know, as ever, it's up to
the studio audience to decide

who they think will win Star Wars
Battlefront, David or Susan.

Please vote now.

Votes have been cast,
let's see what the audience think.

Ooh, narrowing down now.

58% think it'll be Susan and Steve.

58 points are up for grabs,
so, Susan and David,

controllers at the ready.

Let us do this orientation thing
with the stage.

CHEERING

OK. David and Susan,
it's first to 100 points.

You don't just score
by killing each other,

but we'd kind of like it if you did
lots of that as well.

In three,

two,

one -

let's go 8 bit.

OK, here we go. Go on, Calman.

Darth Susan versus Luke David James.

GAME: 'May the Force be with us.'

All right, here we go.

Now, they first
have to find each other.

They're on the planet of Jakku,
plot fans.

There will be other storm troopers
and whatnot wandering around.

All sorts, all sorts. Yeah.
Really got to find...

Well, they just ran past
each other there.

Oh, hello.

There we are.

That's it. Oh, Luke took a few
strokes to get into place here.

Oh! Luke is gone. Luke is down.

First blow to Darth Vader there.

So, I think nobody's collected a
single coin so far.

So it's going really well.

There you go. Susan literally
sneaked up behind him.

Susan has killed Luke again.

She's behind you, hitting you in
the head with a lightsaber!

OK. Oh, there...!

Oh!

Go, go, go! Yes! Yes! Yes!

Go, go, go! Attack!

Oh, a little skirmish there,
and now the patented David James

running away
and hiding behind things.

Oh, he's got him. He's got Vader...
Take that! Yes.

That's for 20 years of no
pocket money!

Oh he's knocked over Vader.
Has he got him? Yes, Vader's down.

Oh, a couple of coins. That's it.
There we go, gather some coins.

Still losing, though, at the moment.

Susan Calman is smashing the
patriarchy in Darth Vader form.

And in her spare time, taking out
a few of the Rebel forces...

Oh, here we go again. Here we go.

Oh, there's a lot of other
firefighting going on.

Has somebody got a sparkler?
What's going on?

Oh, she's got him again!

Susan is hammering poor
David James here.

But I think David has just 15 coins
to collect and he's won.

Turn around! I can't see her.
I can't... Go down, go down!

To your right, to your right.
To your right.

Finish her off, David!
Finish her off!

That's it!

Luke is very angry about
something, isn't he?

This could be it. This could be it!

Yes! Oh!

CHEERING

Sit down!

Satisfying, very satisfying?

That was amazing.

And my team-mate here was helping
out by saying,

"Sneak up on him, he's not looking."

DAVID: Thanks for the help, by the
way.

Look who you're talking to,
I don't know!

There were times, David,

where you just seemed to run off
into the sand.

Yeah, we had an issue with
turning around.

That was our main problem.

Luke Skywalker seemed to think that
the best tactic,

rather than hitting his father with
a lightsaber,

was just to not talk to him.

It was quite a teenage...
Teenage Luke Skywalker.

"No!" "You're not the boss of me!"

This is the final moments, by the
way, final moments of that battle.

Let's see if Luke was actually
facing Darth at that bit, shall we?

No, nope.

Looking the wrong way.

Sparklers going off.
Hide behind the bins.

And then hardly looking.
Looking down. Aw!

APPLAUSE

So that means 58 points go to
Steve and Susan!

APPLAUSE

AUDIENCE: Ooh!

Well, well, well, it's all to play
for at the end.

Coming up, our teams will
get a skinful,

taking on a video game classic,
when we return for more Go 8 Bit.

APPLAUSE

Welcome back to Go 8 Bit.

Sam and David, Susan and Steve have
been giving it their all

over four video games in a bid
to become tonight's champions.

Only a few points between them,
and time for our final challenge.

And it's all to play for

because it's double points,
ladies and gentlemen!

AUDIENCE: Whoo!

Well, Dara, tonight we're showcasing
the very latest

in game controller technology.

It's Makey Makey.

There have been some pretty weird

video game controllers
over the years.

Who could forget the
SEGA fishing rod,

the Resident Evil chainsaw,

the Wii bowling ball,

or that time Sony stuck a ping-pong
ball on an intimate massager?

For some reason, we've always ended
up going back

to traditional controllers, with
their boring old buttons and sticks.

But maybe that's all about to
change, thanks to two MIT students,

called Jay Silver
and Eric Rosenbaum.

They've invented Makey Makey -
a kit containing a circuit board,

crocodile clips and a USB cable.
Using these items,

you can turn nearly anything
into a game controller.

Seriously, anything!

Bananas, jelly,

doughnuts, small children...

Although it's a good idea to get
permission for that last one.

So is Makey Makey
the future of gaming?

Could be. Imagine combining this
technology with virtual reality

and being able to feel as well as
see your way around games.

Basically, we'll all be lost in a
virtual world

and it'll mean the end of emotional
interaction, human achievement

and civilisation as we know it.

Then we'll all die because
we forgot to eat.

Hooray!

APPLAUSE

So...

Makey Makey allows us to turn
anything into a game controller.

Despite the fact that, in the past,

we really have turned anything into
a game controller.

We have, there have been some
amazing controllers over the years.

Can I show you my favourite?
We've got a picture.

My favourite is - wait for it -

the Atari Mindlink!

Look at that.

Once upon a time,
that was the future.

Sadly, this never actually
made it to market,

but this was a prototype
Atari developed.

And what they sold it as,

you would control games
psychically with your mind.

What actually happened was
you sort of moved your eyebrows.

And you got a migraine.

So, weirdly, they never put
it on the shelves.

It's a shame, I think.

So, Ellie, what are we playing as
our deciding game tonight?

We've created our own version of a
classic arcade puzzler

and remixed it with Makey Makey in a
game I like to call....

Well, get ready, because for the
final time tonight,

it's time to go 90 degrees
in that direction!

CHEERING

Well, we're in our usual position
for the gameplay,

but we're not going to play in
the usual way.

What's going to happen, Ellie?

Well, first of all, Dara,
and I'm very excited about this,

let's meet our controllers.

APPLAUSE

Each of our controllers is dressed
as a classic games character,

but can you guess who?

Let's start with number one,

if you could step forward onto the
pad where we need you to be.

Which character is this?

I'm going to turn to the audience,
which character is this?

AUDIENCE: Dr Robotnik!

Dr Robotnik, also known as Eggman,
the nemesis for Sonic.

Character number two, if you could
step forward as well, please.

Who's this?
AUDIENCE: Chun-Li!

It's Chun-Li from
Street Fighter II, yes.

If we could get you to step forward
please, number three,

thank you very much.

Who's this? SUSAN: Oh, my God.
AUDIENCE: Zangief!

It is Zangief,
also from Street Fighter.

And, the final character,
if you could step forward, please.

It is, isn't it?

Yes, yes, it's Cher.

DAVID: Was this one of the extra
characters in Street Fighter?

No, we just couldn't
book another one.

Now, Ellie, how -
not that it COULDN'T work...

..but how WILL it work?

Susan and David will have to touch

the bare skin of their
new friends...

to move their bubble gun
left and right.

Basically, Dara, it's witchcraft.

But what are we going to use for the
fire buttons?

Well, Steve and Sam,
perhaps you can help us out.

Come and join us up at the front.

David and Susan, if you want to come
and adopt your position here.

If you could all come and take your
positions, please. Thank you.

APPLAUSE

All right. Now, Steve and Sam,
we need you to put your hands

on the metal plate,
so if you want to kneel.

So, David will touching up Sam,
Dr Robotnik and Chun-Li.

While Susan will be feeling her way
around Steve, Zangief and Cher.

OK, studio audience, who do you
think will win Bust-A-Moob?

Please vote now.

SUSAN: I'm not sure what criteria
anyone will use in this decision.

STEVE: Just think, you're nearer me.
Yes.

Let's see what the audience said.

69% thinks Susan's going
to win this one.

OK, teams... Come on, Sam.

In three,

two,

one -

let's go 8 bit.

OK. Here we go.

A classic arcade puzzler has indeed
inspired this game.

I'm sure we've all played it.
You get the idea.

What you have to do is fire coloured
balls at the top,

you match the colours,
the balls will pop and disappear.

What you don't want to do is allow
the bubbles

to get to the bottom of the screen.
At that point, it's game over.

In many ways, it's a reverse Tetris.

It IS a reverse Tetris, Dara, it is.

When they burst, they burst into
even tinier versions of my face.

How charming that
is for people at home.

Is this what you always
dreamed of, Dara? It is, it is.

A thousand pictures of your
face bursting.

Advancing slowly and causing fear.

It seems to me
David James is in trouble here,

unless he gets the right colours.

OK, it's getting pretty tense here.

David has moved... Oh, no,
he's just playing the long game.

This is surgical work he's doing.

Don't forget, he is controlling this
by touching people.

Yes, that's right.
Not people, video game characters.

Video game characters, of course.
And a pop star, just to be clear.

I'm worried about David. I think
he's a little bit overconfident.

I feel like...

He's definitely got to clear that
yellow out at some stage.

Yeah. Oh, that's a yellow he
could have used!

Again, there he goes, you see.

He's like the Garry Kasparov
of Bust-A-Moob.

He's always eight
Bust-A-Moobs ahead. Yes.

Oh, now if he can get that in
there... Oh, look at that!

Oh, my God. That was a remarkable
piece of gameplay.

That's the kind of forward thinking
he could have used

in Tekken and
most of the other games.

OK.

Yes... Oh, Susan, oh...

I thought she was in trouble there,
she's pulled it back.

But things are not looking great for
Susan and Steve here. They're not.

She's being attacked on a number of
different fronts here.

No, no...

A lot of greens are clearing.
This is not the way she has to work.

Oh, Susan.

Susan, Susan.

Come on now.

This is unbelievably tense.

How could it be...? It is.

If it's not tense for you at home,

you've got to think about
this harder.

Just how much is at stake here.
We're almost at the very end.

That red is advancing.

She's staved off execution for
a second there.

Oh. She's done well.
It's not enough. Will it be enough?

She needs a yellow to her urgently.

They'd better hurry up.

Come on now.

Oh! Oh, no, she's done it!

She's managed to do it!

CHEERING

Susan and Steve are the winners!

Susan Calman and Steve have won it!

That is unbelievable!

The winners of Bust-A-Moob and the
double points go to Steve and Susan.

APPLAUSE

Which means, from a losing position
only three games ago,

this week's champions
are Steve and Susan!

CHEERING

Thanks to Sam Pamphilon,

David James,

Steve McNeil,

Susan Calman, Ellie Gibson,

our human controllers
and Cher, of course!

I'm Dara O Briain.

That's game over! We'll see you next
time for more Go 8 Bit.

Goodnight!

Subtitles by Ericsson