Glee (2009–2015): Season 2, Episode 11 - The Sue Sylvester Shuffle - full transcript

Mr. Schuester and Coach Beiste devise a plot to bring together the warring glee club and football team factions. Meanwhile, Sue, desperate to win cheerleading Nationals, launches a dangerous plan to bring home a trophy, and the New Directions tackle Michael Jackson's iconic hit "Thriller."

("California Gurls"
by Katy Perry begins)

♪ I know a place ♪

♪ Where the grass is really greener ♪

♪ Warm, wet and wild ♪

♪ There must be something in the water ♪

♪ You can travel the world ♪

♪ But nothing comes close
to the Golden Coast ♪

♪ California gurls ♪

♪ We're undeniable ♪

♪ Fine, fresh, fierce,
we got it unlocked ♪

♪ West coast, represent ♪

♪ Now put your hands up ♪

oh, oh-oh-oh-oh-oh ♪

♪ California ♪

♪ California gurls. ♪

(song ends)

I'm bored.

Ladi, I am at a loss.

Brittany, please remind me

of how I single-handedly
put cheerleading on the map.

In 1979, you directed
a made-for-TV movie

about the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders

called The Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders.

That is correct.

And in the meantime, what's changed?

Personal grooming habits?

What's changed is I have
completely lost interest.

And ladies, I blame you.

Becky-- more
silicone falsies.

Got it, Coach.

You will each enhance your
bust with an additional

pair of chicken cutlets,

in an attempt to add some jiggle

to what is the most boring
routine I have ever witnessed.

But Coach Sylvester, this
is the most elaborate routine

the Cheerios! have ever done.

We're shoo-ins at Regionals next week,

and we're the favorite
to win at Nationals.

And yet I am still so very bored.

Even things I used to
think were hilarious...

Case in point.

Sandbags, slap yourself
with a chicken cutlet.


Now slap Brittany.

See? Not even a chuckle.

The problem is you keep trying

to make a bigger and bigger spectacle.

No matter how hard we try,

we can't make a routine
work unless you find a way

to make it interesting for you.

You have to find a way to top yourself.

Q, you just may have a point.

But to be sure, slap yourself
with a chicken cutlet.


All right, I just want to take a minute

to tell you guys how proud of you I am.

We didn't even have to win this game

to go to championship next
week, but nobody took it off.

When we take a knee, we're
gonna finish first in conference

for the first time in McKinley history.

Football is back, bitches!

(team agreeing)

Maybe we should all break
out into a song after we win.

Hey, shut it, Karofsky. No fricking way.

I figure if I stay on
you, you'll run away

like your little butt buddy Hummel.

That's funny, Karofsky,

how you're calling
everybody gay all the time,

but you never seem to have a girlfriend.

TEAMMATE: It's okay. It's okay.

I really hope that linebacker
doesn't get the jump on me.

I bet it would hurt like
hell to get sacked by him.

Break! TEAM: Break!

All right.

Slow left on one.

Ready? Break! TEAM: Break!

Come on, boys. Let's go.

(crowd cheering)

FINN: Down!



(heart pounding)



(whistle blowing)

(crowd booing)

Nice hands.


What a joke.

What the hell happened?!

Finn, you're the captain, talk!

Karofsky sucks, that's what happened!

That's crap! Hudson's a frickin' girl

and couldn't take a joke
about his precious Glee Club.

Because I'm sick of you guys
getting down on us for it.

We're in Glee Club. What's the big deal?

It's embarrassing! We're dudes!

Getting all hot and bothered

about singing a Ke$ha
song? It's freakin' weird.

Yeah? Well, maybe
you'll think it's cooler

when I go all TiK ToK on your face.

Bring it, Puckerman.


That's enough! That's enough!

Championship game or not,
I am not blocking for him.

Get the hell out of here!

Fine! Go!

Good! Bunch of babies!

(school bell rings)

SUE: Dear Journal, I am in crisis.

Not even the can't-lose combination

of boobs and fire can
get me going anymore.

Is it the raccoon hormones
my new doctor gave me?


Here I am, 31, and already a legend.

What do I do as a second act?

I'm simply at a loss. Last week,

I even took to modifying
my own flawless form

just to feel something. Wait.

It's Syv-lester,
right? Sue Syv-lester?

How do I make things interesting again?

How do I get those juices flowing?

(cartoon music plays on TV)

That's it.

This here is the A950.

You say this could shoot
someone across a football field?

Several football fields, if
you pack in enough explosives.

Of course, that would
be incredibly unsafe.

See, if you want to go for
more than, say, 50 yards,

you're looking about a 70% chance

of catastrophic failure.

Which is a 30% chance
of catastrophic success.

This is the button,
right? No, no, no, no!


You know, I try to make it a habit

of not touching carny folk, but fella...

I'll take it.

You got a smaller one?

I'll check stock.

I'm back.

So I was going through my bucket list

and I noticed you were
the only Glee loser

that I haven't slushied yet.

Damn near broke his heart.

Well, what about the moral implications

of abusing a kid in a wheelchair?

I say, equal opportunity for all.

(bell ringing)

This stuff between the
jocks and the Glee Club

has been going on since I
started running the club.


It just seems like it's
so much worse right now.

I've won division championships
at three different schools.

You have to understand
what winning means

to a community. Grades go up,

the streets are
cleaner, crime goes down.

It's a sense of pride, of unity.

And this school deserves that.

And you are going to get it for us.

I mean, you won almost
every game this year.

Winning conference was easy.

The team we're up
against for championship--

they're much better than us.

If you don't have the talent,
you're on the chemistry.

They don't have to like each other,

but they have to respect each other.

This whole thing is just so weird.

I mean, half of your
starters are in my Glee Club.

I just don't know what to do.

Do you trust me?

You're not going to try
and kiss me again, are you?

If you trust me,

I think I know a way to
get your team united again.

(school bell ringing) Really fast.

Oh, my
God-- Artie!

It was awful.

That's it! Screw rehearsal!

This ends here and now.

We're gonna go all
Thunderdome on those guys.

So this is what the ladies
lounge looks like on the inside.

This is the choir room.
Now, put up your fists

because you and I are
going to do some dancing.

No, I got this, Sam.

Coach Beiste told us
to come. Where is she?

Watch it. Everyone, have a seat.

You, too, guys.

All right, New Directions!,

let's give a warm welcome to
the newest members of Glee Club.

(all shouting angrily)

Oh, hell to the no, Mr. Shue.

WILL: Hey! Come on!

Guys! Hey!

Are you serious? These are the
guys that made Kurt transfer.

And there's no way that
I'm sharing the choir room

with a known homophobe.

I don't disagree with you guys.

But I talked to Coach Beiste about it,

and she and I both agreed
that the kind of bullying

that David does is
born out of ignorance.

Having him in here, as
difficult as it may be for us,

is an opportunity to show
him and the rest of the guys

that being in Glee
Club is kind of cool--

find some common ground.

All of you are going to be in
this Glee Club for one week,

no exceptions.

She's bluffing-- next week
is the championship game.

Without us, she has no team.

With you, I have no team!

You guys have gotta find
a way to come together

or we're going to get
our asses kicked from here

until Tuesday finds a
saddlebag full of buckwheat.

If I have to stay, I'm
not singing no show tunes.

That is the music of my oppressors.

Do you even have any
idea what we do in here?

No. None of them do.

We have to show them.

Rachel, Puck, haven't you
guys been working on something?

Why don't you give it a whirl?

Fine. As offended as I
am by their presence here,

I won't let anything get
in the way of a performance.

(Lady Antebellum's
"Need you Now" begins)

♪ Picture perfect memories ♪

♪ Scattered all around the floor ♪

♪ Reaching for the phone ♪

♪ 'Cause I can't fight it anymore ♪

♪ And I wonder if I
ever cross your mind ♪

♪ For me, it happens all the time ♪

♪ It's a quarter after one ♪

♪ I'm all alone, and I need you n ♪

♪ Said I wouldn't call ♪

♪ But I've lost all
control and I need you now ♪

♪ And I don't know
how I can do without ♪

♪ I just need you now ♪

♪ Another shot of whiskey ♪

♪ Can't stop looking at the door ♪

♪ Wishing you'd come sweeping in ♪

♪ The way you did before ♪

♪ And I wonder if I
ever cross your mind ♪

♪ For me, it happens all the time ♪

♪ It's a quarter after one ♪

♪ I'm all alone and I need you now ♪

♪ And I said I wouldn't call ♪

♪ But I'm a little drunk,
and I need you now ♪

♪ And I don't know
how I can do without ♪

♪ I just need you now ♪

(song ends)

(cheers and applause)

The girl with the mohawk
had a really nice voice.

Funny. Yeah, man. That's good.

WILL: Hey! (all shouting)

Hey, get back.

Great first day, right?


Let me at that guy!

- Hey.
- Hey.

We used to be best friends...

before I got your girlfriend pregnant,

and then made out with
your other girlfriend and...


Anyways... I gotta be honest.

I really want to win this game,
and I figure it's the only way

us Glee studs are ever gonna
get any respect around here.

What's your point?

My point is that none
of that's gonna happen

unless you and I become
allies again, like

Maverick and Iceman
at the end of Top Gun.

So why'd youing that duet with Rachel?

I need you to do this number
with me to make Finn jealous.

Nothing like that
will ever happen again.

You lead, and I got your back.

We need to win this
championship and become legends.

Ladies, my "Sue-clear" Weapon.



Climb on up.


You're doing this stunt
for the big competition.

I don't want to die yet.

At least not until One
Tree Hill gets cancelled.


To put your toddler, fist-sized
mind at ease, we'll do one

final test run.

Any of you take German?

I may have to read

the owner's manual.

Don't worry, I'll talk to Mr.
Shue and take care of this.

(school bell ringing)

Sue, what the hell were you thinking?

You cannot perform a
stunt that dangerous!

Our insurance premium is
through the roof as it is!

Cheerleading is a sport.

There are dangers involved.

The same as when a quarterback

is sacked, or a hockey player is

slammed up against the boards.

Enough, Sue.

There is no excuse for putting
a student's life at risk.

I'm a tastemaker, Will.

I know what an audience wants.

You are not going to
take this away from me.

I need this.

This level of risk and danger
makes me feel alive again.

But the risk and danger isn't to you!

That's the best part.

Enough! It's decided.

You are not allowed to fire yone

out of that cannon
without their consent!

(door slams open)

(Sue panting angrily)



(operatic music playing)

FIGGINS: It's coming out of

your paycheck--
every penny of it!


Oh, God! It's a lawsuit.

I'm telling you, I wish
you could have seen it.

(door slams)

(operatic music playing)


Sort of like that.


What the hell are you doing?

I'm sending a message.

Sue Sylvester's done playing nice.

I just got off the phone with
the Ohio Cheerleading Board,

and they accepted my
request to move my regional

to the same night as
your championship game.


You just lost your halftime
show and the cheerleaders.



What the crap are we gonna do now?

I got it.

No frickin' way!
WILL:We don't have a choice.

Sue pulled the Cheerios! from the game,

so if we don't do it,
there's no halftime show.

And this is a problem because?

It's not a problem. It's an opportunity.

Opportunity to humiliate ourselves.

the whole point of this week
was to bring you guys together;

to bring the school together.
AZIMIO: Wait-- so you want us

to play the first half,
change into some "sea queen"

ball gowns, and then

go out and do the halftime show
at our own championship game?

Yes. It's the championship game!

This is a crazy town. Crazy.

This is crazy! What about
the Cheerios! in Glee Club?

They have a choice.

Us, or the Cheerios! competition.

Well, obviously, Quinn is gonna
choose the Cheerios! I mean...

Well, that's not fair. You
don't know what she's gonna .

WILL: I think the
cheerleading competition

is gonna be a lot of fun, but if you go,

you're gonna miss out

on us doing the most
iconic song of all time.

The Super Bowl
of pop anthems--


(cheers, whoops) Yeah!

Yeah, remember a few years ago.

when that Philippine prison did that

mega performance of "Thriller"
and put it on YouTube?

In the four months it took
to rehearse that number,

crime dropped


Doing that, together, as a team,

created a unity within that prison.

And that's what I'm looking to do here.

I mean, don't get
me wrong, you know--

I'm big on Michael
and everything--

but isn't that kind of what
they're expecting us to do

Which is why we're
gonna mash it together

with the Yeah Yeah Yeahs'
equally spooky single

"Heads Will Roll."

(laughter, murmurs of agreement)

Who's Yeah Yeah Yeah?

All right, New Directions!, Titans,

we're going to Zombie Camp.

Uh, five, six, seven, eight.

(piano plays eerie theme)

Time out.

Time out. Time out.
Hey. Hey. (whistle blows)

Knock it off!

WILL: Okay, guys.

It's good, but let's...

put a little life into it.

But we're dead.

Then put some afterlife into it.

Get out of your heads and get
into your characters, all right?

(piano plays eerie theme)

Very creative. I like that.

(whistle blows)

Five, six, seven, eight.

(piano plays)

All right! Nice progress, guys.

Now let's take a
breather, and I'll see you

in the choir room in five minutes,

for a lesson in zombie makeup.

Makeup?!? No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Yes, yes, yes, yes.

Yes, yes, yes. Hey, Dave.

Talk to you for a second?

Look, I know I'm bad.

Can you just spare me, so
can we get through this?

That's not what I was
going to say at all.

You're actually really good.

If you took that energy

you used bullying people
and put it into this,

you'd be one of most
talented guys in the school.

Just think about it.

(school bell ringing)

(indistinct conversation)

RACHEL: artist.

I am brilliant.

It's actually decent.

It's all right.

(indistinct conversation)

I took a makeup class.

Hey, I need to talk to you.

Can we not fight for just one day?

Man, it's already hard enough

not to kick you in the
nuts every time I see you.

You think maybe we should do
a warm-up number or something

before we do that big
"Thriller" thing at halftime?

You know, I figure the only way
I'm gonna keep any street cred

around here after dancing
around like an idiot

in front of the whole school
is if we kick ass at it.


yeah... couldn't agree more.

(school bell ringing)

Zombie camp was funner than I expected.

And the glee club together
with the football team--

it's like a double rainbow.

A zombie double rainbow.

What the hell are we gonna do?

If we go to our
cheerleading competition,

then we miss the halftime show,

and we're out of Glee Club.

I'm torn.

Oh, I'm not. I'm
Brittany. (toilet flushes)

Couldn't help but
overhear your conversation.

What were you doing in there?

Enjoying the eavesdropping afforded me

by the Swiss-timepiece regularity

and utter silence

of my 2:00 p.m. ninja poops.

Well, I typed these up for you ladies,

requiring your signature,

tendering your resignation
from the Glee Club.

Oh, and Brittany, here's a note for you,

handwritten and in crayon
from the Human Cannon,

saying how much it misses you.

Coach, that cannon is going
to get Brittany killed.

Is that really worth it

just to win a stupid
National Championship?

Seventh consecutive stupid
National Championship.

This is ridiculous. You had
quite a year last year, Q.

And as I recall, you
didn't have such a good time

out of that Cheerios! uniform.

Ladies, I am giving you
the chance, right now,

to choose once and for all
where your true loyalties lie.

Choose the Cheerios!,

or choose the Glee Club.

How the hell could you do this?

Oh, don't get all up in my face, Finn.

What were we supposed to do?

Uh, quit Cheerios!

Coach Sylvester is awful to you guys.

And don't forget who was there for you

the last time she dumped you
on your ass-- us, Glee Club.

And you don't think that
I feel awful about that?

You don't need to be
a Cheerio! to be cool.

Oh, you are so naive.

This whole school is about labels.

Wow. I never realized
you were so freakin' weak.

Oh. I... What did you say?

All the Cheerios! quit Glee
Club. So why are you yelling

at my girlfriend about it?

I'm yelling at her because

I'm the leader of this team.

Well, maybe it's time
for a chge at the top.

What's that supposed to mean?
This is kind of hot, actually.

It means that maybe the reason

everyone hates us is because
we need some new leadership.

Face it, you've had your feet
in both worlds for a year,

and never been able
to bring them together.

Maybe someone else could.

What, as in maybe you? As in yes.

Well, maybe we should
settle this right now.

- Bring it.
- Brung.

Want some more of that? Huh? Yeah.

You like that? Huh?
Really, guys? Really.

Hey, hey! How many fights do
I have to break up this week?

Now calm down...

and get back to Glee Club.

Come on.

Hope to see you there.

(The Zombies' "She's Not There" begins)

♪ Well, no one told me about her ♪

♪ The way she lied ♪

♪ Well, no one told me about her ♪

♪ How many people cried ♪

♪ Well, it's too late
to say you're sorry ♪

♪ How would I know? ♪

♪ Why should I care? ♪

♪ Please don't bother
trying to find her ♪

♪ She's not there ♪

♪ Well, let me tell you
about the way she looked ♪

♪ The way she acted,
the color of her hair ♪

♪ Her voice is soft and cool ♪

♪ Her eyes are clear and
bright, but she's not there ♪

(instrumental interlude)

♪ Well, no one told me about her ♪

♪ What could I do? ♪

♪ Well, no one told me about her ♪

♪ Though they all knew ♪

♪ Well, it's too late
to say you're sorry ♪

♪ How would I know? ♪

♪ Whyhould I care? ♪

♪ Please don't bother
trying to find her ♪

♪ She's not there ♪

♪ Well, let me tell you
about the way she looked ♪

♪ The way she acted,
the color of her hair! ♪

♪ Her voice is soft and cool ♪

♪ Her eyes are clear and
bright, but she's not there. ♪

(song ends)

(applause, cheering and laughing)

It's all good.

WILL: Guys...

Real good.


(applause and cheering) Seriously.

All you football players
nailing that Zombies classic

on the first time out.

I am impressed.

(school bell rings)

(The Zombies' "She's Not
There" instrumental playing)

Appropriate outfits.

They represent the death

of your guyses' reign at this school.

How many times do we have to
put you puckheads in your place

before you realize that
football rules this school?

Maybe, but not after you
make dancing fools of yourself

at that halftime show.

You know it,

we know it, the whole school knows it.

They'll think different
after they see it.

It's going to be awesome.

Holy crap. They turned Karofsky gay.

(hockey team laughing)

What are you moose knuckles
doing with those Slushees?

Ready for the fireworks?

It's Independence Day.

(all groaning)

Oh, my eyes!

It's burning!

Just relax; it stops
after a couple hours

No frickin' way I'm
letting that happen again.

He's in the first stage
of loserdom: denial.

No! I am not a loser.

And I don't sing and dance.

I walk tall d carra big stick.

Dude, relax... this is gonna be fine.

Yeah, of course it is.

'Cause I'm quitting Glee Club.

No, you're not. Fact is,

covered in ice and red dye number seven,

you guys look more like a team

than you ever have out on the field.

I don't care. I'm out.

Then you're off the team.

No way. Yeah.

If we all quit, you barely have
enough guys to play next week.

It's the championship game.

You're not going to throw it away.

Try me. FINN: Don't do this.

If we stand together,

and we do the halftime
show, we can win this game

and be kings in this place.

Good luck with that.

♪ Ding, dig-a-ding,
ding, ding ♪

♪ Ding-a, ding-a,
ka-ding, ding ♪

♪ Ding, dig-a-ding,
ding, ding, ding, ding ♪

♪ Ding,
dig-a-ding, ding ♪

♪ Dink-a, dink-a,
dink-a, dink-a, dink ♪

♪ Ding, dig-a-ding,
ding, ding ♪

♪ Dig-a-ding,
ding, ding, ding ♪

♪ At first, we started out real cool ♪

♪ Taking me places I ain't never been ♪

♪ But now you're getting comfortable ♪

♪ Ain't doing those
things you did no more ♪

♪ You're slowly making
me pay for things ♪

♪ Your money should be handling ♪

♪ And now you ask to use my car ♪

♪ Car ♪

♪ Drive it all day and
don't fill up the tank ♪

♪ And you have the audacity ♪

♪ To even come and step to me ♪

♪ Ask to hold some money from me ♪

♪ Until you get your check next week ♪

♪ You trifling ♪

♪ Good-for-nothing
type of brother ♪

♪ Silly me ♪

♪ Why haven't Iound another? ♪

♪ A baller ♪

♪ When times get hard, I
need someone to help me out ♪

♪ Instead of a scrub like you ♪

♪ Who don't know what a man's about ♪

♪ Can you pay my bills? ♪

♪ Can you pay my telephone bills? ♪

♪ Do you pay my automo-bills? ♪

♪ If you did, then
maybe we could chill ♪

♪ I don't think you do ♪

♪ So you and me are through ♪

♪ Dig-a-ding,
ding, ding, ding ♪

♪ You trifling,
good-for-nothing ♪

♪ Type of brother ♪

♪ Silly me ♪

♪ Why haven't I found
another? A baller ♪

♪ When times get hard, I
need someone to help me out ♪

♪ Instead of a scrub like you ♪

♪ Who don't know what a man's about ♪

♪ Can you pay my bills? ♪

♪ Oh, no ♪
♪ Can you pay my telephone bills? ♪

♪ Can you pay my bills? ♪
Can you pay my automo-bills? ♪

♪ If you did, then
maybe we could chill ♪

♪ I don't think you do, no ♪

♪ So you and me are through ♪

♪ Dig-a-ding,
ding, ding, ding ♪

♪ You trifling ♪

♪ Good-for-nothing
type of brother ♪

♪ O silly me ♪

♪ Why haven't I found another? ♪

♪ You trifling, good-for-nothing
type of brother ♪

♪ Oh, silly me ♪

♪ Why haven't I found another? ♪

♪ Can you pay my bills? ♪

♪ Can you pay my telephone bills? ♪

♪ Can you pay my automo-bills? ♪

♪ Pay my telephone, telephone bills ♪

♪ If you did, then
maybe we could chill ♪

♪ I don't think you do ♪

♪ So you and me are through ♪

♪ Dig-a-ding,
ding, ding, ding ♪

♪ Can you pay my bills ♪
♪ Oh, no ♪

♪ Can you pay my telephone bills? ♪

♪ Can you pay my automo-bills?
♪ Can you pay my bills? ♪

♪ Oh, said ♪

♪ I don't think you do ♪
♪ I don't think you do, no, no ♪

♪ So you and me are through. ♪

Guys, I'd say we're ready for Regionals.

(all cheering)

Medium drip. BLAINE:
Me. Thank you very much.

Now, I don't want to
sound cocky or anything,

but you guys better be pulling
out all the stops for Regionals,

because the number we just
rehearsed is so off-the-hook,

it's dangerous.

KURT: Seriously. People should wear

protective headgear
when they're watching it.

Guys, we're kidding.

Yeah, well, it's just
hard to laugh right now

with everything going on at McKinley.

I mean, look at us,

the stars of two rival show choirs

sitting down to coffee--
our school is so messed up,

we can't even keep our
own football team together.

It's so sad, you guys.

Coach Beiste and Mr. Shue were so close

to getting everyone
at the school together.

Why hasn't Finn told
me anything about this?

I mean, we live together.

mean, I bring him a glass
of warm milk every night,

just in the hopes that we'll
have a little lady-chat.

Warm milk? Really?

It's delicious.

Finn's too proud to complain.

He feels like he has to
be strong for everyone,

but I know it's just killing him inside.

I hope he realizes

that, you know, if he
and I were still together,

I could make him feel
a lot better, you know.

Let it go, Rachel.


I just wish that there was
a way that we could help.

That's all. Yeah.

And the worst part is
how bummed the guys are.

I mean, they already suffer

enough abuse just being in Glee.

I really think winning
the game could have eased

some of the pressure, at
least for a little while.

Wait, so the whole team quit?

Everybody not in Glee.

I mean, you can't play
football with five guys.

And one of them is in a wheelchair.

Yeah, Coach Beiste
put up a sign-up sheet

for people to join. I think they'll take

anyone at this point.

Well, the good news is,

you actually only need four more guys.

High school regulations actually let you

play a couple guys
short, if you want to.

But if they figure out
a way to make it work,

you can bet that we'll
definitely be there

to cheer them on. Totally.

Blaine and I love football.

Well, Blaine loves
football. I love scarves.

(school bell ringing)

I cut 30 guys when we had tryouts

at the beginning of the season.

You're telling me not one
of those guys wants to play?

It's like crossing a picket line.

Nobody wants to be a scab.

I guess we should go break it to them.

Why can't we just let them

back on the team, just for this game?

No. We carry this thing through,

even if it means having
to forfeit the game.

I can't believe this is it.

Maybe it isn't.

We want to join the team.

"We," who?

All us Glee girls.

We want to join the football team,

and we want to play in the championship.

Come on, guys. Stop screwing around.

It's not cool.

What's not cool is you guys

not respecting women enough to realize

we're perfectly capable
of playing football.

And don't forget who the state champ

in Greco-Roman wrestling is.

I've got offers from three different

professional wrestling organizations

for after I graduate, so...

Rachel, have you actually
seen a tackle football game?

When they tackle you, it hurts.

Yeah. And not in the
good, Mellencamp way.

We thought about that. But the truth is,

is that you guys don't
really need us to play.

You just need enough players

out there to field a regulation team.

So when they snap the ball,

we're just going to
lie down on the ground.

We're just going to lie there.

LAUREN: Well, I'm not.

I'm going to bring the pain.

I guess they won't get
hurt if you stay down.

WILL: Okay, what do your
parents have to say about this?

We all have signed
permission slips from them.

It took some convincing,
but they understood

what it means to all of us.

What do you think, Coach?

I think...

(papers rustling)

Welcome to the football team.


(all cheering)

Football team, football team.

High five, teammate.

I just don't want to die.

You don't climb in that cannon,

and that routine will be all
"boom boom," and no "pow."

And that, Brittany, is so 2000 and late.

Here's your consent form.

And as you ponder your decision,

I ask that you remember that that cannon

has two little baby
twin cannons at home,

and one more on the way.

And if you refuse to sign this,

well, those little baby
cannons might just go hungry.

Baby cannons?

And the mama cannon has fibromyalgia,

so she can't work.

Do you want us to win, or don't you?

How many M's are there
in the letter "R"?

Make an "X."

It's not too late.

To commit social suicide?

How the hell you going to
play with five guys, huh?

You have got to be kidding me.

What the hell are they doing?

What you don't have the balls to do.


(cheering, whooping)

Are you ready for this?

Let's kick some ass!

(all cheering)

(blows whistle)

Punch and Judy on one. Ready? Break!

PUCK: Break. MERCEDES: Who's Judy?

Let's go!

Where do I go?

Stand right there.

What do I do?

You're gonna die.

Blue 42!

Blue 42! Down!

Set! Hike!


(whistle blows)

Damn it.

(whistle blows)

(fans groaning)

What happened? What
happened? Is it over?

(fans booing)

All right. How's everyone doing?

Kill me now, I'm gonna die.

Is anyone else tired of
lying down all the time?

I want to play.

Just don't get ahead of yourself, okay?

Ready? Break.

All right, guys. Let's go!


Blitz. Blitz. Watch.



Get the ball!

Get the ball! Get the ball!

Come on! Get it! Get it!

Go, go, go, go!


Go, go! Go! Go, go, go!

(whistle blows)



Oh, no.

Is she breathing?

Did we win?

(fans cheering, applauding)

FINN: We're still in this.

Give it up, Finn. Our
only shot at redemption

right now is to kick
butt at the halftime show.


Come here.

I need you to play quarterback
for the rest of the half.


Puck, when the half ends,

you gotta go convince Karofsky
and the rest of the guys

to do the halftime show with us.

How the hell am I supposed to do that?

Figure it out.

You're my wingman, right?

I got tone, Mav.

Where are you going?

Can't have a halftime
show without cheerleaders.

I'm gonna die.

It'll be worth it.

FINN: Hey!

What are you doing here?

Stopping you from going to
Sue's Regionals competition.

You guys got to come
to the game with me.

Haven't you been paying attention?

If we're not Cheerios!, we're nothing.

You think that, but it's not true.

You joined Cheerios! to be popular,

but you joined Glee Club
because you loved it.

Sue doesn't care about you guys.

She's fine killing Brittany.

Tell me honestly.

If you didn't think it
would hurt your reputation,

which would you choose?

Glee Club.

I know you,

and you don't think you are,

but you're strong enough to do this.




What about you, Santana?

Screw her-- she put me on
the bottom of the pyramid.

Come on, we've only got a few minutes.

No time for a foursome, ladies.

Bus leaves in five.

We quit Cheerios!

You can't quit Cheerios!

It's blood in, blood out.

Now get your sweet
little cans on that bus.

We still quit.

You're my stars.

If you leave, I have no performance!

Sucks for you.

Looking good out there, Puck.

You know what? I don't
want to hear it, Karofsky.

I don't want to hear it from any of you.

You're all a bunch of cowards.

Coward losers.

Yeah, you're the only
loser losing this game.

You know, this is it.

This is the moment of our lives.

This is the one we
can actually look back

and tell our children about.

This is our moment to
actually win something,

and you guys are sitting
in the damn stands!

I mean, you're so afraid

of being called geeks or losers or gay,

that you settle for being nothing.

Well, we still have
a whole half to play.

And wean win this, guys, I know it.

What's the point, man?

Beiste isn't going to let us play.

She will if you come out and
perform at the halftime show.

I'm in.

Me, too.

No way. Come on, man, I
really want to win this game.

It would mean so much to my dad, man.

Forget it, okay? Glee Club sucks.

Fine, Karofsky's out. Whatever.

But the rest of you need
to get in your zombie makeup

and hit the field toot sweet.

Come on, let's go!

Let's go! Let's go!
Come on! Let's do this!

("Off With Your
Head"/"Thriller" mashup begins)

♪ Off with your head ♪

♪ D-Dance, dance,
dance till you're dead ♪

♪ Off, off, off, off with your head ♪

♪ D-Dance, dance,
dance till you're dead ♪

♪ Off, off, off, off with your head ♪

♪ It's close to midnight ♪

♪ And something evil's
lurking in the dark ♪

♪ Under the moonlight ♪

♪ You see a sight that
almost stops your heart ♪

♪ You try to scream ♪

♪ But terror takes the
sound before you make it ♪

♪ Heads will roll... heads will roll ♪

♪ You start to freeze♪

♪ As horror looks you
right between the eyes ♪

♪ You're paralyzed ♪

(cheering) ♪ 'Cause this is thriller ♪

♪ Thriller night ♪

♪ And no one's gonna save you
from the beast about to strike ♪

♪ You know it's
thriller, thriller night ♪

♪ You're ghting for your life
inside a killer, thriller ♪

♪ Tonight ♪
♪ Off with your head ♪

♪ Just dance, dance,
dance till your dead ♪


♪ Off, off, off, off with your head ♪


♪ D-Dance, dance,
dance till your dead ♪


♪ Thriller tonight ♪

Darkness falls across the land.

The midnight hour is close at hand.

Creatures crawl in search of blood.

To terrorize y'all's neighborhood.

♪ Off with your head
♪ And though you fight

to stay alive,

...your body starts to shiver.
♪ Dance till you're dead ♪

For no mere mortal can
resist... ♪ Heads will roll ♪

♪ Heads will roll, heads will roll ♪

...the evil of the thriller.

(applause and cheering)

♪ 'Cause this is
thriller, thriller night ♪

♪ Girl, I can thrill you more ♪

♪ Than any ghost could ever dare try ♪

♪ Thriller ♪
♪ Ooh, hoo ♪

♪ Thriller night ♪

♪ So let me hold you tight and share a ♪

♪ Killer, thriller, oh! ♪

♪ Off with your head ♪


♪ D-dance, dance,
dance till your dead ♪

(howling) ♪ Off, off,
off, off with your head ♪

(howling) ♪ D-dance, danc
dance till you're dead ♪

(howling) ♪ Off, off,
off, off with your head. ♪


who never stopped believing
this day would come.

Thank you.

(whooping, excited chatter)

BEISTE: Hey! What are
you guys doing in here?

Oh, we were gonna take
our zombie makeup off

for the second half--
it's kind of itchy.

No. Leave it on.

Maybe we'll freak out the
other guys a little bit,

and we need all the help
we can get right now.

Well, get out there. All of us?

Yeah. All of us.

(cheering, whooping)


Welcome back, boy.

Get out there.

(crowd cheering)

Yeah! (spits, hisses)

(crowd cheering)

(whistle blows)

(marching band percussion playing)

Set! Hut-hut!


(crowd cheering)

(whistle blows)


Someone bit me!

One of those zombies bit me!

(laughing) Good boy!

(blows whistle)

(marching band percussion playing)

Down! Set! One-one!


Block 59! Get on 59!

(Beiste whoops)

(cheering wildly)

That was awesome. Nice block.

Nice throw. Bam!

BEISTE: Time out!

It was a good run.

We almost had it.

Hey, this game isn't over.

There's, like, ten
seconds left-- it's over.

Not if the quarterback fumbs the snap.

Here's what we're gonna do.

Ready? Break! TEAM: Break!


TEAM: Brains...

Brains... Brains...


Brains... Brains...


(hissing): Brains...

(others joining in): Brains... brains...

brains... brains...

(growing louder): brains...
brains... brains...

PLAYERS (moaning): Brains...

...brains... brains...

brains... brains... brains...

("brains" chant continues)

(chanting fades)

(stadium sounds muted,
quiet music plays)

(quiet music continues)

(news theme plays)

So, tell me, Sue, how
are you holding up?

I'm hanging in there, thank you.

I know it's painful, but...

can you take me back to
the moment when you knew

you had lost what would have been

a record seventh consecutive
National Championship,

landing you this interview
as "Loser of the Year"?

I thought this was the
"Ten Most Fascinating."

That's Barbara Walters.

In the voting, you beat
out the following losers:

the economy,

Mel Gibson,

the housing market,

Dina Lohan, Wall Street,

Tiger Woods, the Dallas Cowboys,

Brett Favre's cell phone,

nine percent unemployment,

and Sparky Lohan,

who is Dina Lohan's dog and
apparently, also a loser.

How do you cope with that?

I've been drinking a lot of bleach.

Do you regret the choice

of attempting to fire a
student out of a cannon?

Other than attracting headlines

and launching a national debate
on the safety of athletes,

was it really worth it?

Honestly, I was just
trying to feel something.

And how do you feel
now that the remainder

of the annual Cheerios! budget

is going to the Glee Club?

I'm sorry? Let's take a look.

Whoops, sorry. (jazzy piano playing)

COURIC (on video): After
a little song and dance

to support the arts,

I sat down with McKinley
Glee Club director

Will Schuester.

I have to say, I'm thrilled.

Sue got what was coming to her,

and now we don't have to hold a bake
sale to pay for the bus to Regionals.


I hate you, Diane Sawyer.

(school bell rings)

Hey. Hey.

Congrats on the MVP.

Oh, thanks.

It was a team effort.

So, listen, uh,

there's no way the Glee Club's
gonna let you join permanently,

until you clean things up with Kurt.

So I was thinking maybe we could go
together to Dalton and apologize...

Who said I want to join
the Glee Club permanently?

I just thought after
this week and-and...

the way we won the game and the way you
came out to dance... What do you think?

We all dance around together
and win a football game

and everything's gonna change?

Glee Club's gonna be cool
and we're all gonna sing

hippie peace songs every morning?

Maybe. I-I don't know. It's a start.

No, dude, it's a finish.

Okay? This is high school.

People's memories for good
stuff lasts about as long

as their Facebook status. But we've got
a chance to really change things here.

I just won the conference championship.

I'm on top.

Why would I want to change things?



I never got a chance to thank you.

For helping me do the right thing.

Aw, you would've come to
it on your own soon enough.

So, how does it feel being
out of the uniform? Weird.

Did turn a couple of heads. (chuckles)

You were amazing this week.

On the field and off.

Reminded me of why I loved you.