Glee (2009–2015): Season 2, Episode 12 - Silly Love Songs - full transcript

So here's what you missed on Glee:

Sue tried to shoot Brittany
out of a cannon, but it wasn't safe,

so Brittany, Santana and Quinn
quit the Cheerios!

Sucks for you.

Now we get to see what they
look like in street clothes.

Finn broke up with Rachel
because she made out with Puck,

but then Quinn kissed Finn
after the big game,

even though she's been
dating Sam. Yikes!

It used to be a love triangle,
and now it's, like, a pentagon.

And that's what you missed
on Glee.

PUCK: We all know I'm not
the smartest guy in the world,



but there are two lessons
I learned the hard way.

One: Never punch a cop.

The other one:
You can't choose love.

Love chooses you.

I mean, I could have
any girl I wanted,

but here I am,
in the middle of geometry

or English or something,

and the only girl
I've got my eye on is

a whole lot of woman.

I owe it all to Sectionals.

We needed a twelfth member,

and I told her
if she joined the Glee Club,

I'd give her seven minutes
in heaven.

But what went down in
that janitor's closet was epic.



You're really not good at this,
and you're kind of scrawny.

You got to be kidding me.

Yeah, you're not
turning me on at all.

Later, sad sack.

But that was only three minutes.

Three minutes
I'll never get back.

PUCK: Maybe it's
because she's constantly

insulting me, like my mom.

Maybe I just dig a chick
with curves,

but it's almost Valentine's Day,
and it's official.

Stare at me again,
and I'll break your nuts.

Also,
these candies you gave me?

They sucked.

But you ate all of them.

I had to make sure
they all sucked.

I'm in love with Lauren Zizes.

does to a person.

I know what you're thinking...
That they're all only into me

because I won the first
Conference Championship

in this school's history,
but I've changed.

I'm walking taller,
carrying a bigger stick

and using it
to fight off the ladies.

- I love you, Finny-bear.
- Thanks, Becky.

- Oh.
- Be my Valentine?

Awesome.

- I'll keep you posted.
- Copy that.

Yeah, I've been collecting
a lot of hearts lately.

Only question is,
which one to choose.

Bingo.

I just need to go for this.

Maybe the reason
it never worked out with Rachel

was because
I was never over Quinn.

I know
I can pry her away from Sam

if I can get her
to kiss me again.

The ridiculous thing is
that I could get every girl

in this school
to kiss me but her.

Game on.

Okay, I'm all for flair,

but these Valentine Day
decorations are just tacky.

I mean, what the hell
is this supposed to be?

It's clearly puppy love.

It's cute. Come on.

(toy makes smooching sound)
Ooh.

TOY: I love you!

- Oh, this is creepy.
- Adorable.

It's a simple excuse

to sell candy and greeting
cards on a holiday.

Not true.

People have been celebrating
Valentine's Day for centuries.

And call me a hopeless romantic,
but it's my favorite holiday.

Really?

I think there's something
really great about a day

where you're encouraged
to just lay it all on the line

and say to somebody,
"I'm in love with you."

You know?

And this year, I want
to do something really radical,

so I need your opinion on this.

Well, there's this guy
that I sort of... like,

and I've only known him
for a little while,

but I want to tell him
that I think

my feelings are starting
to change into something...

deeper.

So I have to ask.

Do you think it's too much

to sing to somebody
on Valentine's Day?

Not at all.

WOMAN:
What can I get you?

Uh, a medium drip, and a grande
nonfat mocha for this guy,

and maybe I can get him to split
one of those Cupid cookies.

You know my coffee order?

Of course I do.

WOMAN:
That'll be $8.40.

Don't even bother, dummy.
It's on me.

Keep the change.

I do believe I have a new favorite holiday.
(laughs)

(bell ringing)
All right, guys,

I have one word for you.

- Brittany.
- Is it "love"?

I'm totally going
to graduate now.

Valentine's Day is coming up,

so for this week's lesson,

I want you guys
to pick a partner,

because you're going
to sing to them

what you think is the world's
greatest love song.

Yeah, find a song
that communicates

all the things that
love means to you.

- Now, partner up.
- Mr. Shue, can I say something?

I just wanted to point out that

for the first time,
an entire week has gone by without

any one of us getting slushied.
(applause)

I think the fact
that I led the football team

to a Conference Championship

might have something
to do with it.

Fact is that I'm
the closest thing

that this Glee Club has
to a celebrity right now.

And just like a famous athlete,

I want to give to a charity.

You guys.

(scoffing)

So, I'm setting up
a kissing booth

for a dollar a smooch,
and donating the proceeds

to Glee Club to help us...

Don't even act like
you're trying to help this

Glee Club out. You just want
to kiss a bunch of girls.

I've kissed Finn,
and can I just say?

Not worth a buck.

I would, however,

pay a hundred dollars
to jiggle one of his man-boobs.

Do you ever get tired
of tearing other people down?

- No, not really.
- 'Cause you always

just seem to do be meddling
in everybody else's business.

Oh, please.
You guys love me.

I keep it real,
and I'm hilarious.

Actually, you're just a bitch.

- Whoa! Whoa!
- Okay. I'm sorry.

You've just got eyes for my man.

Okay, first of all,
I'm not your man.

QUINN: And Finn is right.
All you ever do is insult us.

Three weeks ago, you said

you were disappointed that
I didn't have a lizard baby.

Five minutes ago, you said

Mr. Shue belonged
in a twelve-step program.

Wait. What?

You're addicted to vests.

RACHEL:
The truth is, Santana,

you can dish it out,
but you can't take it.

Okay, maybe you're right.
Maybe I am destined

to play the title role
in the Broadway

musical version of Willow,
but the only job

you're going to have
is working on a pole!

(murmuring)

Fine.

Santana...
(bell ringing)

Maybe try rocking
back and forth.

People do that in movies.

No. 'Cause I just try to be really,
really honest with people

when I think that they suck,
you know?

- Yeah.
- No one gets it.

I suppose you want
me to thank you

for sticking up for me today,
except that makes it seem

like I need somebody to
stick up for me, so...

Oh, no, no. Trust me.

I... I know you don't need me
to stick up for you.

I mean, you're all
kinds of tough.

- And...
- Mm, that's true.

How about you let me take you

to Breadstix
for Valentine's Day?

Do you seriously
think it's that easy?

I'm not desperate,
so if you really want this,

you best come correct.

Because I spell
woman Z-I-Z-E-S,

and I need to be wooed,
you understand me?

- Wooed.
- Damn.

Hey.

What you doing?

Nothing.

Just, uh, daydreaming,
plotting weekend outfits.

Well, come on.

You're going
to want to see this.

I've called an emergency meeting
of the Warblers' Council.

Oh, sounds serious.

Let's hope not.

I just need to ask them
a tiny little favor.

WES: This emergency meeting
is called to order.

Junior member Blaine Anderson,
the floor is yours.

Esteemed council,
I'll be brief.

Simply put...

I'm in love.

Ooh!
(laughter)

Congrats.

I'm not really good
at talking about my feelings.

I'm much better at singing them.

But still,
I could use a little help.

Which is why I'm asking
to enlist the Warblers

to help serenade this individual
in song off-campus.

- What?
- What?!

- Off-campus?!
- Are you serious?

(grumbling)
Did I hear you right?

I know what I'm asking
is slightly unusual.

The Warblers haven't performed

in an informal setting
since 1927,

when The Spirit of St. Louis
overshot the tarmac

and plowed
through seven Warblers

during an impromptu rendition of
"Welcome to Ohio, Lucky Lindy."

DAVID: Why would
we even consider

what you're asking?

I firmly believe
that our reticence

to perform in public

nearly cost us a trip
to Regionals.

We're becoming privileged,

porcelain birds perched on a...
(overlapping chatter)

You mock us, sir.

(gavel banging)
WES: Thad, David?

- I will have order.
- May I please say something?

With respect,
I believe Blaine has a point.

The Warblers are so
concerned with image

and tradition
that sometimes I feel like

we miss out on opportunities to
step outside our comfort zones.

When I was on New Directions,

we performed in front
of hostile crowds

pretty much anywhere we went.

I mean, mattress stores,
shopping malls.

I had a cat thrown at me
in a nursing home once.

(quiet chuckles)

But it...
It gave us confidence.

It kept us loose.

And where would this performance
take place?

The Gap at the North Hills Mall.

I'd like to call it
The Warblers' Gap Attack.

(soft chuckles)
Why the Gap?

The guy that I like
is a junior manager.

(gavel bangs)

WES: All right, well,
all those in favor?

KURT: I was absolutely devastated.
♪ I know something about... ♪

Did he ever actually say
you two were dating?

Well, not in so many words.

Well, did he put the moves on?

No, but we were
always singing duets,

and he was always
smiling at me.

♪ The very part of you... ♪

Oh, my God, I made up the whole
thing in my head, didn't I?

Listen, we've all been there.

At least I have.

- With you.
- I know exactly what you mean.

I mean, if Finn thinks

that he's just gonna
walk out of my life,

he's wrong, 'cause
I'm gonna go up

to that kissing booth tomorrow

with a $100 bill and he's not
gonna be able to make change,

and then he's gonna be forced

to kiss me one hundred times,
and when his lips touch mine,

- I'm telling you, he's gonna feel it.
- Hey, hey.

We're supposed to be giving
Kurt advice, remember?

Yeah.

You are going to the Gap Attack,
though, right?

Should... Should I?

- Yes!
- Mm-hmm.

MERCEDES:
Scope out the competition.

See what this guy's like.

You know,
you two are both so guy crazy.

Yeah. Look at me.

I don't have a date
for Valentine's Day,

and I could give a rip.

The three of us are divas.

Look at our idols.

Whitney, Barbra, Patti LuPone.

They all became stars
while they were single.

They took all the pain and loneliness,
and they put it into their music.

People could relate to it.

Yeah, everybody feels lonely.

Harnessing this pain is why
they became legends.

Why has this never
occurred to me?

Sometimes you have to choose
between love and talent.

And as far as I'm concerned,

we all need
to fly solo for a while.

It's so nice to be around girls,
for a change.

Oh. Here. Move over.

(murmuring)

(giggling)

♪ Are you gonna
take me home tonight? ♪

♪ Ah, down beside that red firelight? ♪

♪ Are you gonna let it all hang out? ♪

♪ Fat-bottomed girls, ♪

♪ you make the rockin' world
go round. ♪

♪ Hey! ♪

♪ I was just a skinny lad. ♪

♪ Never knew no good from bad. ♪

♪ But I knew love
before I left my nursery. ♪

♪ Left alone with big fat Fanny. ♪

♪ She was such a naughty nanny. ♪

♪ Hey, big woman,
you made a bad boy out of me. ♪

♪ I've been singing with my band, ♪

♪ 'cross the water,
'cross the land. ♪

♪ I seen every blue-eyed
floozy on the way. ♪

♪ Hey... ♪
Whoo!

♪ But their beauty
and their style ♪

♪ went kind of smooth
after a while. ♪

♪ Take me to them lardy ladies
every time. ♪

♪ Come on... ♪

♪ Oh, won't you
take me home tonight? ♪

♪ Oh, down beside your red firelight? ♪

♪ Are you gonna
let it all hang out? ♪

♪ Fat-bottomed girls,
you make the rockin' world go round. ♪

♪ Yeah... ♪
♪ Fat-bottomed girls... ♪

♪ You make the rockin' world
go round. ♪

♪ Get on your bikes and ride! ♪

♪ Ooh, yeah... ♪

♪ Oh, yeah... ♪

♪ Them fat bottomed girls... ♪
♪ Fat-bottomed girls... ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah... ♪

♪ Yeah... ♪

(song ends, all cheering)

High five.

RACHEL: Good job.

So, um, what'd you think?

It was... That's kind
of my love song to you,

'cause, you know,
you're a little...

On the heavier side, but,

like the song says, you know,

I'm kind of into it.

So...

That was the first time anyone
ever sang me a love song.

And it made me feel like crap.

(school bell ringing)

I want tongue.

Uh, thanks, Becky.

(smooches)

(timer dings)

Oh...

Sorry, ladies.

Brush and floss time.

Got to keep up the oral hygiene

if I'm gonna satisfy
all of you. Sorry.

I know why you're doing this.

You know I'm
the only girl in school

that won't kiss you,
and you think

that the peer pressure
will get to me.

Well, it is sort of uncool that you...
You're too uptight

to spend a buck for a
good cause like Glee Club.

I'm not kissing you again.

What are you so afraid of?

Leading you on,
hurting my boyfriend.

Your boyfriend's a boy.

Tell me you don't want
to kiss me right now.

I can't do this.

I saw it.

Your guys' faces, were, like,
right up next to each other.

Kissing distance.

What are these things?

They're called records.

People used to listen
to music on them.

I'm looking for a classic
love song to sing to you

for our assignment,
because despite your confusion

about the matter,
you are the only guy

I'm ever within
kissing distance of.

Okay. So answer
me this, then.

Why haven't you kissed
Finn at his booth yet?

Okay, first you're all up in
my business for kissing Finn,

and now you're pissed at
me for not kissing...

It's odd. Something seems fishy.
I mean...

(laughs)
This is insane.

Shh!

Everyone thinks I'm dumb.

Not... everyone.

But I'm not.

At least...
not about you.

You play it cool,
but you're ambitious.

You like being the queen bee,

and you think being with star
quarterback Finn is going to

put you up there,
whether you're wearing

a Cheerios! uniform or not.
I'm pretty, but I ain't dumb.

Fine. Right after Glee rehearsal,
I'm kissing Finn.

(school bell ringing)

Thanks.

Are you sure
you can handle this?

Oh, absolutely.

I've decided that
I'm better off without you.

Not without you specifically,

but without any man
who's going to keep me

from achieving
my goals of stardom.

Sweet. Uh...

Well, we should probably kiss.

There's a line-up.

What... What the hell?
On the cheek?

Wait, I thought you
said you were over me.

I am, but I still...

I still want a real kiss.

That was not a dollar kiss.

I knew you were lying
about being through

with love and all that stuff.

Okay, fine. I still love you.

Okay? Is that
what you want to hear?

Why can't you just forgive me?

You cheated on me.
That means something.

What does it mean?

That I was stupid?
That I was angry?

I... I don't care about Puck.

I don't care
about anybody but you.

It's Valentine's Day.

Oh, yeah.

I ordered it for
you for Christmas

before we broke up.

Just open it.

I think you're right

about wanting to be
alone for a while.

'Cause let's face it, Rachel.

You're better than
everyone in this school.

You don't need me or any other
guy to anchor you to Lima.

You're a real star.

And you need to shine.

Just because I
can't be with you,

it doesn't mean I
don't believe in you.

Thank you.

(school bell ringing)

It's weird.
Who'd have guessed

that the quiet, skinny Asian guy
and the kid in the wheelchair

would end up dating two of
the raddest girls in school?

- No jealousy. No drama.
- Nope.

I don't know how we did it.

I do.

We're dope.

♪ You know, you... ♪

♪ You make me feel
so good inside. ♪

(laughs)

♪ I always wanted
a girl just like you. ♪

♪ Such a P.Y.T. ♪

♪ Pretty young thing. ♪

♪ Oh... ♪

♪ Where did you come from, baby? ♪

♪ And ooh,
won't you take me there? ♪

♪ Right away, won't you, baby? ♪

♪ Tenderoni, you've got to be. ♪

♪ Spark my nature, sugar,
fly with me. ♪

♪ Don't you know now
is the perfect time? ♪

♪ We can make it right,
hit the city lights. ♪

♪ Then tonight,
ease the lovin' pain. ♪

♪ Let me take you to the max. ♪

♪ I want to love you. ♪

♪ P.Y.T. ♪
♪ Pretty young thing. ♪

♪ You need some lovin'. ♪

♪ T.L.C. ♪

♪ Tender lovin' care. ♪

♪ And I'll take you there, girl. ♪

♪ Ooh-ooh... ♪

♪ I want to love you, ♪

♪ P.Y.T. ♪
♪ Pretty young thing. ♪

♪ You need some lovin'. ♪

♪ T.L.C. ♪

♪ Tender lovin' care. ♪

♪ And I'll take you there. ♪

♪ Girl, I'll take you there. ♪

♪ Pretty young thing. ♪

♪ Ooh... ♪

♪ You make me sing. ♪

(rhythmic panting)

♪ Pretty young things, ♪

♪ repeat after me: ♪

♪ Sing "Na, na, na"... ♪

♪ Na, na, na... ♪

♪ Na, na, na, na... ♪

♪ Na, na, na, na... ♪

♪ Sing, "Na, na, na"... ♪

♪ Na, na, na... ♪

♪ Na, na, na, na, na... ♪

♪ Na, na, na, na, na... ♪

♪ Oh... ♪

♪ Hoo... ♪

♪ Hoo-oo-oo... ♪

♪ P.Y.T. ♪

♪ Oh, baby... ♪
♪ T.L.C. ♪

♪ Oh, baby... ♪

That's my man
and his legs don't work.

Tenderoni!

I'm so in love,

- I may just start crying.
- Aw...

(school bell ringing)

What's that?

It's a receipt.

I went to Jared.

You can reimburse me,
we'll have dinner at Breadstix,

and then we can
consider this settled.

Um, no.
And consider what settled?

Look, you've made your point.

I'm sort of a bitch.

But I'm willing to change.

I won't tell Lauren

to look out for poachers
who might mistake her

for the endangered White Rhino.

LAUREN: I heard that.

Don't make me rip that
weave out ya head.

This is not gonna be good.

Hello, Lauren.

- You are a beautiful person.
- Thank you.

Now, get out of my way, please,
a-fores I ends you.

You don't want to push me.

Oh. But, see, I...
I sort of do.

I'm from a part of town
called Lima Heights adjacent.

You know where that is,
Poppin' Fresh?

It's on the wrong
side of the tracks.

(Lauren screaming)

(screaming)

Hey!

(grunting)

(yelling)

(Santana screaming)

(shouts)

Hey! Knock it off and get going!

Yeah. That's how we do it
in Lima Heights.

BEISTE: Get you to the nurse.

Please go out with me.

Just... Please.

You make a formal presentation,

and I'll consider it.

(school bell ringing)

SAM: Wait. Hold on.
I want to see this.

- Pervert?
- I'd prefer "chaperone,"

and also "boyfriend."

Satisfied?

- Yeah. Let's go.
- Hmm.

So I took a bunch
of those records

you were looking at
in the library,

and I'm gonna load
them into my iTunes.

Hey, I forgot my purse.

Meet me tomorrow afternoon
in the auditorium.

Fireworks.

That's him.
The blonde one folding sweaters.

Hmm.

I can see the appeal.

That's quite a head of hair.

His name is Jeremiah.

If he and I got married,
the Gap would give me a 50% discount.

This is insane.
I don't know what I'm doing.

We haven't even really
gone out on a date.

We shouldn't do this.
This is crazy.

Okay. Come on.
Come on. Man up.

You're amazing.

He's gonna love you.

(to melody of Beethoven's Symphony No. 5):
♪ Vum, vum, vum, vum! ♪

♪ Vum, vum, vum, vum! ♪

♪ Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh... ♪

(intro to Robin Thicke's
"When I Get You Alone" plays)

♪ Ba-da-ba-da... ♪
♪ Baby girl, where you at? ♪

♪ Got no strings,
got men attached. ♪

♪ Ba-da-ba-da... ♪
♪ Can't stop that feelin' for long, no... ♪

♪ Mmm... ♪

♪ Ba-da-ba-da... ♪
♪ You makin' dogs wanna beg, ♪

♪ breaking them off your fancy legs. ♪

♪ Ba-da-ba-da... ♪
♪ But they make you feel right at home, now. ♪

♪ Oh... ♪
♪ Ba-da-ba-da, ba-da-ba-da... ♪

♪ See, all these illusions
just take us too long. ♪

♪ Ba-da-ba-da... ♪
♪ And I want it bad... ♪

♪ Because you walk pretty, because you talk pretty. ♪
♪ Ba-da-ba-da... ♪

♪ 'Cause you make me sick
and I'm not leavin'... ♪

♪ Ahh... ♪
♪ Till you're leavin'. ♪

♪ Ooh... ♪
♪ Oh, I swear there's something when she's pumpin', ♪

♪ asking for a raise. ♪

♪ Well, does she want me
to carry her home now? ♪

♪ Ba-da-ba-da... ♪
♪ So, does she want me to buy her things? ♪

♪ On my house,
on my job, on my loot, ♪

♪ shoes, my shirt, my crew, ♪

♪ my mind,
my father's last name? ♪

♪ Ohh... ♪
♪ When I get you alone... ♪

♪ When I get you,
you'll know, babe... ♪

♪ Ohh... ♪
♪ When I get you alone... ♪

♪ When I get you alone... ♪
♪ Ba-da-ba-da... ♪

♪ La-la, ah, ah, ah... ♪

♪ Oh, come on... ♪

♪ Ah, ah, ah, ah... ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah... ♪

♪ Ba-da-ba-da... ♪
♪ Baby girl, you the shh! ♪

♪ That makes you my equivalent... ♪
♪ Ba-da-ba-da... ♪

♪ Well, you can keep your toys
in the drawer tonight. ♪

♪ All right... ♪
♪ Ba-da-ba-da... ♪

♪ All my dogs talkin' fast. ♪

♪ Ain't you got
some photographs? ♪

♪ Ba-da-ba-da... ♪
♪ 'Cause you shook that room ♪

♪ like a star, now.
Yes, you did, yes, you did. ♪

♪ Ba-da-ba-da... ♪
♪ All these intrusions just take us too long. ♪

♪ Ba-da-ba-da, ba-da-ba-da... ♪
♪ And I want you so bad... ♪

♪ Ba-da-ba-da... ♪
♪ Because you walk city, because you talk city. ♪

♪ 'Cause you make me sick,
and I'm not leavin'... ♪

♪ Ahh... ♪
♪ Till you're leavin'. ♪

♪ Ooh... ♪
♪ So I pray to something she ain't bluffing, ♪

♪ rubbin' up on me. ♪

♪ Well, does she want me to make
a vow? Check it. ♪

♪ Well, does she want me
to make it now? ♪

♪ On my house, on my job,
on my loot... ♪

♪ Ooh... ♪
♪ Shoes, my voice, my crew, my mind, ♪

♪ my father's last name? ♪

♪ When I get you alone... ♪
♪ Ahh... ♪

♪ When I get you,
you'll know, babe... ♪

♪ When I get you alone... ♪
♪ Ahh... ♪

♪ When I get you alone... ♪
♪ Ba-da-ba-da... ♪

♪ Ba-da-ba-da, ba-da-ba-da... ♪
♪ Oh, oh... ♪

♪ Bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum... ♪
♪ When I get you alone... ♪

♪ Ba-da-ba-da! ♪

(shoppers applauding)

Was it too much?

It was too much.

Jeremiah. Hey.

- What the hell were you doing?
- What?

I just got fired.

You can't just bust a groove

in the middle of
somebody else's workplace.

- But they loved it.
- Well, my boss didn't.

Neither did I.

No one here knows I'm gay.

Can I be honest?
Just, with the hair?

I think they do.

Blaine, let's just be clear here.

You and I got coffee twice.

We're not dating.

If we were, I'd get arrested,
'cause you're underage.

(school bell ringing)

Oh, yeah.
That's my ear.

That's my ear.
I love it. I like it.

SANTANA: Ugh, gross.

How is this possible?

I'm the hottest piece
of action at this school,

and here I am
on Valentine's, single.

Whatever.

I'll just marry an NFL player.

They're super reliable.

Wait, that's weird.

Quinn's wearing
her queen bitch smirk,

and Finn only wears
that gassy infant look

when he feels guilty
about something.

Holy sweet hell.

They're fooling around.

I know what cheating looks like.

I do it all the time.

(chuckles)

Well, I think it's time
to do what Santana does best:

Revenge.

I've always loved volunteering
at the local hospital,

and not just because of the
sexy candy striper outfit.

Giving back is so important.

Excuse me.

Are there any sick students
I can help you tend to?

Wes Fahey's down with mono

and he's waiting for
his mom to pick him up.

But you shouldn't go in there.
It's highly contagious.

Please. I've had mono so many times,
it turned into stereo.

Hi.

So, I'm gonna need
to borrow your germs.

WES: Thanks.

Whoa, whoa.

Sorry about that.
I couldn't help myself.

If I have anything,
I hope it's not contagious.

But what? What?

Hi. Hi.

(school bell rings)

- What is this place?
- It's the library.

Haven't you been in here before?

No? Okay.
I don't understand.

You said you want
to formally ask me out,

but I see no envelope of cash,
no muffin basket.

- I sang to you.
- An offensive song.

(sighs)

I don't think you're
ready for this jelly.

Wait. I mean,
let's be honest here,

you look...

the way you look.

And I'm embracing that.

- I mean, it turns me on, babe.
- I look like America looks.

And, like America,

I need more than just a song
to get my juices flowing.

Lauren Zizes, will you go

to Breadstix
with me tomorrow night?

Tomorrow's not Valentine's Day.

Tomorrow's the pre-date.

'Cause our mouths are going
to be too busy macking out

on Valentine's Day
to eat anything.

(chuckles)

I like your style, Puckerman.

I dine at 8:00.

Now, get out of here,
before I change my mind.

Yeah.

(school bell ringing)
Good-bye.

Sorry. I was at church.

- Praying for the strength to come?
- Not to.

You realize this
is making me a cheater,

the thing that hurt you so badly

that it made you
break up with me.

And Rachel.

You know why it hurt so bad
when you guys cheated on me?

'Cause it meant
you didn't love me.

- That's not true.
- No. At least not enough

to not want t to hurt me,
and that's the thing about cheating.

When you really love someone,
you'd do anything

to keep them safe.

I love Sam.

No, you don't.

Or else you wouldn't
have come here.

Fine.

I think I love him.

No matter what happens
between us,

I'm not going
to break up with Sam

until I know for sure
one way or another.

Okay.

Do you think you can love
two people at one time?

Not totally.

You have to choose, eventually.

Not yet.

(groans)
Don't they have anything here

that isn't covered with stupid,
little hearts?

Gross.

Well, you've certainly
changed your tune.

I don't think I've ever made
that big a fool of myself,

which is really
saying something,

because I've performed
at theme parks.

(sighs)

I just... I can't believe
I made it all up in my head.

Okay, can I ask you something?

Because we've always been
completely honest with each other.

You and I? We hang out.
We sing flirty duets together.

You know my coffee order.

Was I supposed to think
that that was nothing?

What do you mean?

I thought the guy
that you wanted to ask out

on Valentine's Day was me.

Oh, wow.

I really am clueless.

Look, Kurt...

I don't know what I'm doing.

I pretend like I do.

And I know how to
act it out in song,

but the truth is...

I've never really been
anyone's boyfriend.

Me, neither.

Let me be really
clear about something.

I really, really care about you.

But as you and about twenty
mortified shoppers saw,

I'm not very good at romance.

I don't want to screw this up.

So it's just like
When Harry Met Sally.

- But I get to play Meg Ryan.
- Deal.

Don't they, uh,
get together in the end?

Could I get a nonfat mocha,
and a medium drip

for my friend Billy Crystal?

Ah, you know my coffee order.

You know what?

I think I've got something
for us to do on Valentine's Day.

(sighs)

Thanks for doing this.

It really takes the sting off.

It's cool.
My dad's a drug addict,

so losers make me horny.

I'm not a loser.

This is the first time
I've ever been stood up.

Must be some chick
to blow you off.

Michelle, I've been covering
your section for fifteen minutes.

Your break's over.

And your husband called.

(school bell ringing)

(sighs)

Well, I did it.

I kissed every girl
in this school,

and raised $324
for the Glee Club.

WILL:
All right, Finn. Thanks.

That'll pay for half a
ticket to Nationals.

So...
(chuckles)

Still a long way to go.

All right?

Okay.

Now I believe it's time to hear
what the world's greatest

love song means to
Ms. Tina Cohen-Chang.

- Come on up.
- Whoo!

FINN: Is anyone else hot?

It's really stuffy in here.

This is for you, Mike.
Happy Valentine's Day.

("My Funny Valentine" begins)

♪ My funny Valentine... ♪

♪ Sweet, comic Valentine... ♪

♪ You make me smile
with my heart. ♪

(voice breaking):
♪ Your looks are laughable... ♪

(Tina sniffles)

♪ Unphotographable... ♪

(crying)

♪ Yet you're my favorite
work of art. ♪

(Tina cries)

(Tina sniffles)

♪ Is your figure less than Greek? ♪

(Tina cries)

♪ Is your mouth a little weak? ♪

♪ When you open... ♪
(sobbing)

♪ ...are you smart? ♪

♪ Stay, oh, oh, God, Valentine... ♪

(sobbing)

♪ Stay... ♪

(sobbing)

Every day is Valentine's Day...
when I'm with you.

I'm so overcome with love.

Okay. Wow, that was... powerful.

- Almost too powerful.
- I love you, Mike.

Mr. Shue, can I be excused?
I don't feel well.

Me, either. I feel sick.

Let me guess.

You have a sore throat,
and your glands are swollen,

and you're feverish.

Yeah. Yeah, which is why
I need to go to the nurse.

It sounds like you have mono.

Otherwise known
as the kissing disease.

But you know what
really helps spread it?

A little tongue.

Which is weird, because

it sounds like Quinn here has it, too.

SAM: I was there when they kissed.

It was just a peck.

So, how about we stop
talking about tonguing,

and Finn and I go to the nurse?

You know what?
I think that is a capital idea!

I've cheated twice in my life.

The first time, I got pregnant.

The second time, I got mono.

I think the universe is trying
to tell me something.

FINN: Maybe.

But I think Sam likes you enough

to believe
whatever story you told him.

Santana is such a bitch.

It looks like mono to me.

I called your mothers.

You can hang here
till they pick you up,

but no kissing.

I'm not done with us yet.

You have to stop.

Nothing can happen between us,
until I figure out

what's going on with me and Sam

and you figure out what's
going on with you and Rachel.

But... Nothing's...

Nothing's going on
with me and Rachel.

All I know is that when
I don't catch you staring at me,

you're staring at her.

(school bell ringing)

Hello... Lauren.

What's with the chilly willy,
Puckerman?

Honestly, I'm not used
to getting stood up.

Last night?

Breadstix?

- Oh, we had a date, didn't we?
- Look, I get it.

You've been hurt by guys before.

But I'm telling you,
I'm not like that.

First of all,
you got a girl pregnant last year,

so, yeah, you are.

And B: What makes you assume
guys treat me badly?

I can take care of myself.

That's what I like about you.

I'm not into you because you...
have curves. I...

What I like is
that you're a girl

who's an even bigger bad ass
than me.

Can I be honest with you?

I like you. I used to think you
were smokin', but a lot of that

had to do with the fact
that I thought you were

mixed race, and that never
fails to get me going.

But here's the thing, Puckerman.

I'm not just looking for
somebody to fool around with,

so if you're really into me,
you got to take it slow.

I suppose
I could give that a shot.

Then you're on for Valentine's Day.

As friends.

(school bell ringing)

Where's Quinn?

Uh...

Uh, her mom picked her
up a few hours ago.

Quinn really is very pretty.

You don't have to do that,
you know.

No. I would do it for anyone.

She's prettier than me.

Would you stop?

You're beautiful.

I know she is.

It meant so much to me
that you chose me over her.

Girls like me don't get chosen
over girls like her very much.

Did you kiss her?

Like Santana said?

Yeah, yeah, but I just needed
to get it out of my system.

So, what did it feel like?

When you kissed her?

Fireworks.

Did you see fireworks
when you kissed me?

- Rachel, wait.
- No.

It's good. Thank you.

Look, you've given me
the strength to move on.

I know now that there's...
nothing here for me anymore.

That's not the truth.

I still... I'm just...

I'm so confused
in my head right now.

No, it's okay.
Look, I understand.

Now I'm free

to pursue my dreams without
anything holding me back.

And you've actually inspired
my song selection

for this week's
love song assignment.

Feel better, Finn.

(Katy Perry's "Fireworks"
begins)

♪ Do you ever feel like a plastic bag, ♪

♪ drifting through the wind, ♪

♪ wanting to start again? ♪

♪ Do you ever feel... ♪

♪ Feel so paper thin, ♪

♪ like a house of cards,
one blow from caving in? ♪

♪ Do you ever feel
already buried deep? ♪

♪ Six feet under screams. ♪

♪ But no one seems
to hear a thing. ♪

♪ Do you know that there's still
a chance for you? ♪

♪ 'Cause there's a spark in you. ♪

♪ You just gotta ignite the light, ♪

♪ and let it shine. ♪

♪ Just own the night, ♪

♪ like the Fourth of July. ♪

♪ 'Cause, baby, you're a firework. ♪

♪ Come on,
show 'em what you're worth. ♪

♪ Make 'em go, "Oh, oh, oh!" ♪

♪ As you shoot across the sky... ♪

♪ Baby, you're a firework. ♪

♪ Come on, let your colors burst. ♪

♪ Make 'em go, "Oh, oh, oh!" ♪

♪ You're gonna leave 'em going,
"Oh, oh, oh!" ♪

♪ Baby, you're a firework. ♪

♪ Come on, let your colors burst. ♪

♪ Make 'em go, "Oh, oh, oh!" ♪

♪ You're gonna leave 'em going,
"Oh, oh, oh!" ♪

♪ Boom, boom, boom... ♪

♪ Even brighter than the moon,
moon, moon... ♪

♪ Boom, boom, boom... ♪

♪ Even brighter than the moon,
moon, moon... ♪

(song ends)

(crowd chatter)

Mind if we join you?

(sighs)

I would love that.

(microphone feedback)

Testing, one, two, three.

Test...
Testing, one, two, three.

All right. So,
Happy Valentine's Day, everybody.

For those of you Breadstix
patrons who don't know who I am,

I'm Kurt Hummel,
and welcome to my first ever

Lonely Hearts Club dinner.

Whether you are single with hope,
or madly in love,

and are here because I forced
you to come out and support me,

sit back and enjoy.

And to all the singles out there,

this is our year.

(microphone feedback)

♪ How can I tell? ♪
♪ I can't explain... ♪

♪ The feeling's plain to me. ♪

♪ You about my loved one? ♪
♪ Say, can't you see? ♪

♪ Ah, he gave me more. ♪
♪ How can I tell... ♪

♪ He gave it all to me. ♪
♪ You about... ♪

♪ My loved one? ♪
♪ Say, can't you see? ♪

♪ You'd think that people
would have had enough ♪

♪ of silly love songs. ♪

♪ Bum, bum, bum... ♪

♪ Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh, ooh... ♪

♪ But I look around me
and I see it isn't so. ♪

♪ Bum, bum, bum... ♪
♪ Oh, no... ♪

♪ Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh, ooh... ♪

♪ Some people ♪

♪ wanna fill the world
with silly love songs. ♪

♪ Ah, ah, ah... ♪

♪ And what's wrong with that? ♪

♪ What's wrong with that? ♪
♪ I'd like to know. ♪

♪ I'd like to know... ♪

♪ 'Cause here I go again. ♪
♪ Here I go... ♪

♪ Again... ♪
♪ Ba, ba, ba, ba-dah... ♪

♪ Bah... ♪

♪ I love you... ♪

♪ La-la, la-la, la, la... ♪

♪ I love you... ♪

♪ La-la, la-la, la, ah, dah... ♪

♪ Love doesn't come in a minute. ♪

♪ Doesn't come in a minute... ♪

♪ Sometimes it doesn't come at all. ♪

♪ Doesn't come at all... ♪

♪ I only know that when I'm in it... ♪

♪ Only know when I'm in it... ♪

♪ It isn't silly... ♪
♪ At all... ♪

♪ No, it isn't silly... ♪

♪ At all... ♪
♪ Love isn't silly at all... ♪

♪ Not at all... ♪
♪ Bah, bah, bada, bada, dah... ♪

♪ Da, ba-ba, bada, bah... ♪

♪ Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh, ooh... ♪

♪ I love you... ♪

♪ Do, do, do, do... ♪

♪ I love you... ♪

♪ How can I tell you about... ♪
♪ He gave it all to me. ♪

♪ Say, can't you see? ♪
♪ My loved one? ♪

♪ I can't explain... ♪
♪ How... ♪

♪ The feeling's plain to me. ♪
♪ Can I tell you about... ♪

♪ My loved one? ♪
♪ Say, can't you see? ♪

♪ Ba, ba, bada, bada, da,
ba, ba-ba, bada, ba... ♪

♪ Bah, bah! ♪