Girlboss (2017): Season 1, Episode 12 - I Come Crashing - full transcript

[crowd in unison] Four, three,
two, one, Happy New Year!

[crowd cheering]

[band playing "Auld Lang Syne"]

♪ Should old acquaintance be forgot ♪

♪ And never brought to mind? ♪

Happy New Year!

♪ Should old acquaintance be forgot ♪

♪ And auld lang syne? ♪

♪ For auld lang syne, my dear ♪

Please, say something.

All right, fine.



I don't like how you're using this
song to manipulate my feelings.

I didn't ask them to play
it. Honest, it's tradition.

It's shady.

[Sophia] I've been begging
you for ten minutes.

And I haven't asked you to take
off those ridiculous glasses.

These glasses are timeless.

Come on. I miss you.

What do you miss?

- Everything.
- [Annie] I need to hear it.

Be specific.

I... I miss our talks.

I have no idea

what Britney is up to. And
you got me invested in her hair

and now I don't know what's going on.



It's not good.

I miss your stupid laugh.

My stupid laugh? What
about your stupid laugh?

You have the stupidest
laugh of all. You're like:

[braying]

Yeah, well yours is:

[chortling]

- [Annie braying]
- [Sophia chortling]

Oh...

I am sorry I was so selfish.

Annie, I love you.

In case I die.

And if that happens right now,
before you say it back to me,

then I assure you, I
will haunt you forever.

Or until you and Dax get married
and it gets uncomfortable.

I need you.

Nasty Gal needs you.

♪ We'll take a cup of... ♪

Get over here, you dirty slut.

I love you, in case I die.

- Should we kiss?
- [laughs]

Kind of feels like we should kiss.

Never. Never. Never. Mwah!

♪ For auld lang syne ♪

[softly] Okay. Here it goes.

I hereby call to order the
first official business meeting

of the worldwide business
known as Nasty Gal.

- Business.
- Whew.

Can I be honest? Rocky start.

Please, hold your comments till the end.

The only item on our agenda today

- Pyrotechnics.
- Yeah.

Now you're cooking.

And to do that, three things have
to happen. First, we need to create

- a kick-ass website.
- [gasps]

Fuck PowerPoint, that was
crazy dramatic. Do the others.

You have to wait for the build.

Our website should be easy to
use, but also cool to look at.

I don't want people to think
they're buying a lame textbook.

That's great, but who's gonna make it

so that it actually works and stuff?

Is one of us a secret computer genius?

Is it me?

Tell me what a browser tab is.

- It's not me.
- It's not me either.

But I've got this bad boy on my side

and three months to learn.

This brings me to my second point.

Are you gonna reveal window
number two? So exciting.

Gah! Ha! I mean, did you practice this?

Where was I?

We need to tell everyone on the
planet that on April 4th, 2008,

Nasty Gal is back.

Why April 4th?

Because it's Jamie
Lynn Spears' birthday?

- What?
- What?

At the rate we're blowing through cash,

that's the date my bank account
achieves negative numbers.

And third, we need to
get enough inventory

to last us a few weeks after the launch.

Oh, wait. Okay.

This one is gonna say "Get inventory."

[gasps] Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Uh...

[squeaks]

So satisfying.

I knew you'd love that.

Okay, well, as far as inventory goes,

I think a hundred pieces ought to do it.

But they can't just be any pieces.

These need to be one-of-a-kind items
that you can't find anywhere else.

- How many you got?
- Forty-seven.

Okay...

- What's that?
- It's a telethon thermometer.

It strongly resembles a penis.

[Annie] Heh, heh. Well,
we are at half chub now.

As soon as we're fully
erect, we're in business.

Yeah. Meeting adjourned.

Yeah.

[door opens]

[door closes]

[whispers] Hey.

Hey.

Long day at rehearsal?

Yup.

- We recorded our demo.
- Mm?

We might actually do a whole album.

Well, make sure you go heavy
on the "oohs" in your songs.

- 'Cause people love that shit.
- I think we're pretty good.

Yeah.

I think, maybe. I don't
know, I'm too close to it.

[sighs] I have so much to do.

Get ready to hear the words "launch"
and "site" a gazillion times.

Try not to put too much
pressure on yourself.

Are you kidding?

There's not enough pressure
in the world to put on myself.

This means everything.

If I fail at this, then I
basically fail as a human.

[mimics waves roaring]

[mimics seagull cawing]

[Sophia chuckles]

You're right. It's late.

I'm insane.

[kissing]

Whoa. What's happening? [chuckles]

Is that a muscle spasm?

That's sex for tonight.

[both laugh]

Oh...

- This was a great day.
- Yeah.

The best.

- Everybody set?
- No.

I'm just standing in a tiny room

with my arm straight out for no reason.

Cool. One, two, three, four.

- Should we dive in?
- Like Greg fucking Louganis.

Who's that?

This silver fox who gave a
motivational speech at my high school.

[band playing "I'll Come Crashing"]

♪ Nothing in my nature Tells
me not to do bad things ♪

♪ I know that I really
Should be good tonight ♪

♪ There's a kind of satisfaction
That destruction brings ♪

♪ Consequences never could convince
me That I should do right ♪

♪ I'll come crashing ♪

♪ I'll come crashing ♪

♪ I'll come crashing down
In the ash of a fire rack ♪

♪ It feels ♪

♪ I'll come crashing ♪

♪ I'll come crashing ♪

♪ Down in the ash of a fire rack ♪

♪ It feels ♪

♪ Nothing matches the
passionate thrill ♪

♪ Of desire, oh ♪

♪ Fuck, yeah ♪

[Sophia] Come on. Two more pieces.

Think. Think. Think.

Hey, it worked.

[Sophia] This is where
unclaimed luggage goes to die.

Mm-hmm. Think of baggage
claim as purgatory

and this place as a dank, tacky hell.

Are you kidding? This
place is a gold mine.

You may need to
reevaluate your standards.

Oh.

I think there's some secret agent
out there whose cover is way blown.

- You want one?
- I don't accept pre-owned wigs,

- thank you.
- [Sophia] Aw.

Poor kid.

Probably visiting her grandma,

having no fun and without any Underoos.

[chuckles]

- [Sophia] Oh.
- [gasps]

Oh, my goodness. How'd
the dogs miss that?

- [Sophia cackles]
- Finder's fee. Have fun.

Yeah.

Open those pores.

- [woman clears throat]
- [gasps]

- Real or ghost?
- Real. I'm Kaavi, the web designer.

Kaavi. Hi.

- How long have you been standing there?
- Nine minutes.

Okay. Um...

Hi, I'm Annie. Sophia
should be back any minute.

In the meantime, welcome to Nasty Gal.

Okay.

Oh. Hey. Uh...

This is one of the pieces
we're selling on her website.

- What do you think?
- I think it's blue

and it has a butterfly on it whose
size is zoologically incorrect.

- I'm not a fashion person.
- That's cool.

I'm not a computer person.
We'll get along great.

I'm my best self from ten to two,

so, maybe you could point
me toward my workstation?

Actually, never mind.
I'll just set up here.

Oh, you can't just...

Okay, yeah.

Ninety-nine and 100.
Put it on the dick board!

[Annie] We are officially
at full-blown...

- wood.
- Yeah.

[Sophia and Annie grunt]

[gasps] Oh, my God. Okay,
I would take a bullet

for that jumpsuit,
Secret Service-style, man.

[Sophia] Right? Halston vintage.

- It's perfect.
- Yes.

Hey. Even you need to give
it up for the jumpsuit.

It'd look good in a museum exhibit
about lady astronauts from the '70s.

Why are the stairs being shitty to me?

Sophia, I saw you
struggling with the website.

So, I asked Kaavi here...

to come on board and help us out.

[Sophia] Hmm.

I'm sorry. Can I have a
private talk with Annie?

Probably. You should ask her.

Annie.

[clears throat]

We can't afford to
bring on new help now.

We can't afford not to.
April is coming up fast,

and the site still isn't done.

Just give her a chance.

She was cheap. Like, there-might-be-
something-wrong-with-her cheap.

This conversation is not private.

We won't say anything bad. Don't worry.

I don't like her. Nope. She's
got a weird, weird energy.

Yeah, but she's an Ivy League
grad and knows what she's doing.

If she sucks, we'll get rid of her.

Is your Wi-Fi network BC Marine
Services or Two Dope Bitches?

It's the latter.

I know. I wanted to illustrate
how clearly we can hear each other

from our respective positions.

[scoffs]

[Sophia] Kaavi.

I need you to make the
site look like this.

Let me guess, you tried
to do it and failed.

- I didn't try that hard.
- Two months, she tried. Two months.

Welcome aboard.

A hundred items, check.

That oddball Kaavi building
a website I designed, check.

And the entire Western vintage buying
world awaiting our launch, check.

This might actually work.

Of course it's going to work.

We have the confidence
of much older women.

[dramatic music playing]

What impression...

do you leave...

on the world?

[crowd clapping]

I need to touch it.

Sophia!

- Gosh! Hi.
- Hi.

Oh, my... I'm so happy you
are here to witness this.

I mean, at first when I saw you,
I thought I must be hallucinating.

Because how much truth and
beauty can one room fit?

That and the pot cookie I had earlier.
It's the only way to watch art.

- Nathan, Sophia's here!
- Sophia.

- [Sophia] Hi.
- Oh, it's so good to see you.

Yeah, you, too.

Man, that was...

so...

art.

The highest form of praise. Bless you.

- Tell her more about it.
- How much time do you have?

- Uh...
- Right, so, the short version.

So, I was at a clearance
sale for the Sharper Image

and there were all these signs
that said "Everything must go."

And I thought, no.

Not everything. But then as
I thought more, it hit me.

Yes.

Everything.

Yes.

- Totally get it.
- [Nathan] Oh, good.

[in choked voice] I'm so happy.

Oh, honey. Is this about
how deep that shit was?

[Nathan in normal voice]
No, I'm fine. It's just, um,

you know, I killed myself for six
months building that apparatus.

I put everything I had
into it, and for what?

Nobody cares.

This show was a total flop.

Your art will find its own
audience. My mouth is so dry.

My tongue is like a mitten.

She's right. You can't put
yourself down after one show.

I've had 24 in the past year.

I've been real busy.

I think I'm done with art.

Or rather,

art is done with me.

It has spoken.

And it said,

[growling] "Get out."

[gasps] Oh! Oh, there we go.
It's okay. You know what? Okay.

So, you're not going to
be an artist. Who cares?

You are a jack-of-all-trades.

There is nothing...

- you can't do.
- [softly] Except art.

You know, it's just time to shift gears.

Right?

I'm gonna just move
on to something else.

Something bigger.

Okay, something that
will change the world.

- Something like dance.
- Something like dance?

[gasps, then squeals]

[both laughing]

- Sophia.
- Sophia, come here.

[Sophia chuckles]

[Nathan's mom] Oh, my goodness.

We have a problem.

- You're so big, harder...
- And it's filled with porn.

No, okay. I've seen
worse. So, does that help?

- ... I feel so nasty.
- No. No, it doesn't.

How did you get this far without
checking if the domain was available?

- Hey. She's had a lot going on.
- Fuck.

I am hella bush league.

So is that.

I prefer erotic fiction. It's like
pornography for the imagination.

[Sophia] Shit. I'm such an idiot.

If you want, I could take
two minutes out of my day

to register a new web address.

Or we could use that
time to continue watching

this skillful lovemaking.

I've given that address
to thousands of people.

and get an eyeful of shaved sniz.

Sophia, we can fix this.

It was the name of your eBay store.

We'll say there was some
confusion. It's no big deal.

- It's fine.
- No. No. Fine is not perfect.

Well, if you're looking for perfect...

That is not what I asked you to do.

I know. I did more than
what you asked me to do.

I didn't ask you to do that.

I want it the way I want it.

This is my baby we
are talking about here.

Well, your customers
are gonna find your baby

boring, confusing and ugly.

My sister has that baby.
She named him Cormac.

Your services and your
sweatshirts are no longer welcome.

Fine.

I'll just grab my stuff and go.

This is mine.

[door slams]

[door opens]

[door closes]

Ah, that's too tight.

I also have to breathe whenever I sleep.

I'm like normal people that way.

Sorry.

I'm so stressed out.

- Kaavi is just...
- Who's Kaavi?

The girl building our site.

I told you about her last night.

Don't snap at me. I forget.

She's just so annoying.

Doing her own thing.

As if what I want means nothing.

No respect for authority.

Oh, my God. Who have I become?

[grunts] I have one of those
headaches where I might throw up.

You wanna have sex?

It's been known to cure a headache.

[groans]

The only doctors who say that are dudes.

So, no?

I'm just messing up left and right.

Nothing's perfect.

Everything's a little off.

Well, you're perfect.

And a little off.

[scoffs]

So, it's gonna be great.

[whispers] Whatever.

[Sophia] That jumpsuit.

Where did you get it?

Miss, we have rules here.

What's happening?

Well, I will tell you what's happening.

Giant corporations steal from artists

to sell watered-down
versions of authenticity.

And then we all just walk
around like... like sheep.

In a jail of capitalism.

What the hell are you talking
about? Do we not have your size?

I'm gonna put an end to mass
commodification of specialized goods.

No longer will we buy cheaply made
clothes for extraordinary prices.

Well, this particular
item is quite affordable.

Lower price point than
I would have guessed.

I know what I'll do.

How many stores do you have?

Like 400.

In America.

Okay, flawed plan.

Cute jumpsuit.

Yeah, if you're a lady astronaut.

That doesn't make any sense.

I know!

Jumpsuits are out. All jumpsuits are...

out.

[panting]

And I fucking saw something
that looked like this

at that horrible place, too.

Whoa. Hey, Soph.
Sophia. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Calm down. You're coming unglued.

Want me to restrain
you? I took Krav Maga.

Once, to meet a guy I
saw through the window.

What is that?

[Annie] I brought her back to
work on the site. Hey, we need her.

Now, tell me what's wrong.

Everything. All of it.

The website, inventory,
outreach, it's all screwed up.

We are never gonna make this launch
date. We have to push it back.

We'll run out of money.

- We're not fucking ready.
- We cannot push it back.

Oh, man.

Oh, man. Oh, man. Oh, man.

What if we just did all of this
work and no one cares? Everything.

Just for nothing.

I mean, you saw what
happened with Nathan.

Maybe I should just
quit while I'm ahead.

Before I'm rejected.

I'll just find something else to do.

[sighs] Okay.

I can say this because I'm your friend,

but you can't do anything else.

This store,

this place, this whole idea is you.

It's your dream.

Dreams die.

Yours won't.

I'm serious.

The second that site goes
live, you're a success.

Regardless of whether
you sell a single item.

- How do you figure?
- [Annie] Sophia.

You're a woman who started
a business from nothing.

You pushed through the pins

and made an impression on the
world that wasn't there before.

If you quit now,

you're just a girl with
a bunch of old clothes.

That jumpsuit is good.

It'll sell.

Kaavi's website is perfect.

You believe me when I say
it's gonna be okay. Right?

Yeah.

I do.

Now...

I know you're new to this boss shit,

but you can't just walk in
here acting like a crazy person.

You need to clear your
head. Take the day off.

- Go get fucked.
- Annie, come on.

Serious. When was the
last time you two did it?

If you have to think,
it's been too long.

Raise your hand if you
had sex this morning.

[Sophia] What?

Go to that man of yours
and have him do you.

Fuck your mind straight.

[tongue clacking]

[Sophia] Yeah, we do get it.

- [Annie] Yeah.
- We get it, Kaavi.

["I'll Come Crashing" playing]

♪ There's a kind of satisfaction
That destruction brings ♪

♪ Consequences never could convince
me That I should do right ♪

♪ I'll come crashing ♪

♪ I'll come crashing ♪

♪ I'll come crashing down
In the ash of a fire rack ♪

♪ It feels ♪

♪ Mama always told me I
should have a certain plan ♪

♪ Daddy always told me How
to be a straight-up guy ♪

♪ Always tell the truth And
never have a thing to hide ♪

♪ But I'm gonna shoot the moon
And watch it fall from the sky ♪

♪ I'll come crashing ♪

♪ I'll come crashing ♪

♪ I'll come crashing down
In the ash of a fire rack ♪

♪ It feels ♪

♪ Nothing matches the
passionate thrill ♪

♪ Of desire, oh ♪

♪ It feels ♪

♪ I'll come crashing ♪

♪ I'll come crashing ♪

♪ I'll come crashing down
In the ash of a fire rack ♪

♪ It feels ♪

♪ Nothing matches the
passionate thrill ♪

♪ Of desire, oh ♪

♪ Fuck, yeah ♪