Gilmore Girls: A Year in the Life (2016): Season 1, Episode 3 - Summer - full transcript

-I get that they want to be cool.
-It's human nature.

But to get to the pool,
they have to walk in the hot sun.

-It makes them hotter.
-It makes no sense.

It's a giant cascading debacle.

-Belly alert.
-Holy moly.

If the point of the activity
is to cool off by being in water...

-I like where you're going.
-then why not just stay home?

-And take a bath.
-Right?

Eh, the logic's impeccable.

- Oh, my God.
- Just go naked.

Plus, bath water doesn't contain
all those chemicals.



The chlorine, the algaecides.

And the bodily fluids
that shall remain nameless.

-Kid pee.
-I said they'd remain nameless.

Gallons of kid pee
being pumped into this pool as we speak.

-They shouldn't have a drinking fountain.
-All that liquid ends up somewhere.

People don't think.

-Uh-oh. Oh, my God.
-What?

It's Pat.

- All clear.
- This place is a minefield.

- Hi.
- Ah!

It's okay.
It's Andrew, and he's got a shirt on.

-Oh, thank God.
-Welcome back, Rory.

Oh, I'm not back.
I'm just here temporarily.

-That's not what I heard.
-It's true.



At the bookstore, all anyone talks about
is how you're back.

-Well, I'm not back.
-Okay.

Spread the word.

Hey, guys, did you hear?
Somebody vandalized the floaty hut.

-Oh, no.
-Hinges are bent, lock's jammed,

and the kids are having a fit
'cause they can't get their floaties.

Welcome back, by the way.

-Yeah, I'm not back.
-You look back.

Luke donated the money for that hut.
He's gonna be upset.

Forget Luke.
Steve and Kwan are going postal.

There's two of 'em.

When they get mad,
they're like five little Korean people.

They focus all their Korean vitriol
on Lane and me.

-Where are they now?
-The drinking fountain.

They're going back in the pool.

-Yup.
-Figures.

If you see something inflatable,
shout it out.

-She looks back to me.
-Well, she's not back.

It is hot!

I don't know why we come here.

- Welcome back, Rory.
- I'm not back.

- Welcome back, Rory.
- I'm not back.

- Good to have Rory back.
- I know.

It made sense.
I was leaning towards chem.

- I just love chem labs.
- Me, too.

-Beakers, clamps.
-Test-tubes, Bunsen burners.

But I love philosophy, too.
Metaphysics? Can't get enough.

I once got in trouble
for cheating on a metaphysics exam.

I looked into the soul
of the boy next to me.

-You took metaphysics?
-No, that was Woody Allen.

-Woody Allen took metaphysics?
-It's from Annie Hall.

-I only watch German silent films.
-Oh, boy, remember that phase.

-When did you punch a hole in your nose?
-Read the Constitution.

I'm 22.
I get to adorn my body as I see fit.

You're right. You're 22.
Punch all the holes you want.

-Are you gonna join us?
-When I can.

I took some great linguistic courses.

I mean, it's MIT.
Noam Chomsky walks the halls.

I met him.
Chatted with him, laughed with him.

He's my idol.

Well, to Noam is to love him.

Uh, is this thing on?

-Ooh.
-Why're you getting up?

I'm getting extra cheese.

-I'll get it. I'm up.
-I'll get it.

What are you doing this summer
before graduate school?

First, I'm traveling with friends.

We're canvassing a few states
for pot legalization.

-For what?
-It's about civil liberties.

-It happens to be about pot.
-You made it sound way less fun.

-Do you smoke pot?
-No.

- What are we watching?
- Uh, The Returned.

The French Returned?

Blah!

I don't know how long I'll last.

Oh, come on.
Take some NoDoz, drink some coffee.

We've got to break this tragic pattern.

-What pattern?
-Ugh.

We get through one episode,
then half of another,

-then he gets tired and falls asleep.
-I'm up at 5:00.

Then, he won't watch again
till a week later.

At which point, he's forgotten
the first half of the abandoned episode,

and the entire one before that.
Then we have to start all over again.

That puts you
in binge-watching jail, Luke.

I'll get a lawyer.
April, go to law school.

Lawyers are fascists.

Do you remember the first episode
we watched?

It's a bunch of
French people in a small town.

-And some of them are dead.
-Really?

Oh, my God.

Wow. Like a time machine.
Is it weird to be back?

-I'm not back.
-You're not?

Uh, no. I mean, I'm...
I'm here now, but... Never mind.

Oh, hi again.

-So, I totally smoke pot.
-I figured.

Don't tell my dad.

I don't think he'd mind.
Just don't operate a forklift after.

Right. A forklift.
You have an excellent sense of humor.

-Thank you.
-I don't have a great sense of humor.

I'm working on it.
I bought a joke book.

I think that's good.

It's hard to have a sense of humor
in college these days.

-April?
-I never met Noam Chomsky. I made it up.

-Oh.
-I've only smoked pot once.

-I ate so much cheese after.
-That's okay.

I'm still kind of searching.

-Nothing wrong with searching.
-I think I'm having an anxiety attack.

--Can I get you something? Water?

-It's just very weird here.
-What do you mean?

-Seeing you back in your childhood room.
-I am not back.

Oh, it's like a postcard
from the real world.

-Maybe we should join Mom and Luke?
-My nose ring hurts.

- Hey, get in here!
- In a minute!

Oh, my God. "To Noam is to love him."
I just got that.

April's having a freak out.

-What? April!
-No, it's okay. Rory's got it.

She looks so grown up,
but she is still a kid.

-She wants Rory to take her nose ring out.
-I'll take it out. I hate that thing.

She wants to go to Germany this summer.
Did I tell you?

She does like German cinema.

She's staying
with some exchange students she met.

- Hmm.

So where would the money
for Germany come from?

-Me.
-Really?

-Where else?
-She could get a job.

-I could swing it.
-You sure?

Yeah.

She only got a partial scholarship.
You had to make up the difference.

Now, if she's going to grad school,
I mean...

-maybe I could chip in a little--
-I got it.

Okay.

April's mine. I got it.

--All right. You got it.

Rory's showing her
the stress tap dancing videos.

God bless that girl.

- Ace, hi.
- I wake you up?

I wish.

I've been on the phone
with the company rep in China.

I couldn't get the guy to talk slower.

-The time zones are killing me.
-Mm-hmm.

Why can't it be the same time everywhere?
Time zones suck.

Yeah, they do.
They do suck.

- You okay?
- I'm fine... I guess.

I don't know.
I'm in a weird mood.

-Anything I can help with?
-No.

Yes. Uh--

Hey, I know I'm coming out
in a couple weeks, but--

Oh, come on, don't cancel on me now.

I've got Matilda tickets,
planned pony rides,

there's a freak show in town.

No, not canceling. I just thought...

Well, I'm not really doing
much of anything these days,

and I'm a little bored,
and I thought maybe I'd come out sooner.

-Like tomorrow.
-Oh.

Is that okay?

Uh, sure. Yes, let's do it this week.

We'll make it special.
Your favorite place,

The Dorchester or the Savoy.

-I'd have to stay in a hotel?
-Well...

She's in town?

Yes.

For how long?

She's moved in?

Yes.

When?

-Couple of weeks ago.
-Okay.

-Were you gonna tell me?
-Of course I was.

So now you want me to just wait in a hotel
until you can slip away and come see me?

-No.
-Like I'm a geisha?

-Come on, that's not fair.
-I know.

I knew about Odette. I just...

Like a hotel... It's just weird.

It doesn't have to be.

Look, can't we just
keep the plans the same?

Come out in three weeks,
and we will figure it all out then.

Please?

Rory?

Okay. Yeah, a few weeks.

I'm looking forward to it.

Yeah. Me, too.

Oh, my God.
Feel that.

- Feel what?
- It's not sweltering.

They finally got air-conditioning.
We don't have to sweat like pigs anymore.

Except Kirk's pig.

-Hey, kiddo. I forgot to say welcome back.
-I'm not back.

Welcome back.
Always knew you'd be back.

You were wrong, Bootsy,
because I'm not back.

-You look back to me.
-Welcome back, Rory.

-Compare notes, people. Please.
-Are you digging this air?

First summer my pits
aren't sticking like duct tape.

It's fantastic.

-You know about the Thirtysomething Gang?
-No, what's that?

It's a group of kids, all about your age.

They've been to college,
then out in the real world,

and it spit 'em out
like a piece of gum.

Now they're all back
in their old rooms, like you.

-I'm not back.
-They all hang out together.

That's them there.

So dig out your shoes and ball,
'cause tomorrow you're all goin' bowlin'.

I don't have a ball or shoes.

Did you know
about the Thirtysomething Gang?

Yeah, everyone does. Hey, guys!

Don't encourage this.

All right, everyone,
settle in, please.

Hope you're all enjoying
the nice, cool air in here.

And I hope you'll enjoy
the announcement I get to make tonight.

-Sounds exciting.
-Hit us with it, Taylor.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Stars Hollow is going to--

What the hell is that?

-What?
-The hell is that?

-I don't know what you're saying!
-It's the air conditioner!

That, I heard.

-It feels like an earthquake!
-Strawberry shortcake?

-What?
-Something about strawberry shortcake?

-Taylor, shut it off!
-Now I'm hungry for strawberry shortcake!

I can't!
It turns on and off by itself!

This is gonna freak out
the Thirtysomething Gang!

They're very sensitive!

Might need a little adjustment.

Back to my announcement, people.
But first, a little backstory.

Our summer tourist numbers are down.

Even at the pool, revenues are off,

which I attribute
to the recent criminal activity

involving the floaty hut.

What happened to my floaty hut?

I thought you didn't want people to know
you donated it.

I don't, but it's my floaty hut.

Our Lazy Hazy Crazy Days of Summer event
is coming up, and that'll help,

but we thought a supersized event

would generate fresh enthusiasm
for tourists to visit.

- Therefore, I am pleased to announce...
- The Musical!

-I love that!
-Sounds fun.

This will be an enchanting
musical history of Stars Hollow.

Book and lyrics by, uh, yours truly.

Music by a very talented young composer.

He once lived in Brooklyn.

--Nat Compton.

That's Nat sitting
at the end of the first row.

He'll be directing, as well.

- Let's give him a nice hand.

Whoa, give him a crystal sword,
he's a White Walker.

Our biggest hurdle
will be finding our leading lady.

She's got to be a great singer,
a terrific actress,

a nimble dancer, a dexterous whittler.

-She has to whittle?
-Or fake it.

How do you fake whittling?

Yeah, they'd see
there's no shavings coming off the wood.

Come on, Taylor, production values matter.

Now, what I need from you tonight
are volunteers

for the musical's advisory committee.

You'll come to a couple of the shows,
and give us any ideas

that will help make it all that it can be.
Who's in?

-It sounds fun.
-What does?

The advisory committee.
I'm gonna volunteer for it.

-You think you got the time?
-8:30.

-He asked you if you have the time!
-I gave it to him!

-For the committee!
-I'll make time.

-I'm gonna sign up, too!
-Babette, please, warn us!

-I think it sounds fun.
-It sounds really fun.

I just hope the show is as successful
as Taylor needs it to be!

Once again, warn us.

It's really got to pack 'em in!

If Taylor really wanted to pack 'em in,

he should get up on that stage
and dance around

--in his floppy Taylor underpants.

Was so out of context.

So, who's up for being
on the advisory committee?

-Me.
-Me, too.

-I'll do it.
-So, uh, Lorelai, Tom and Sophie.

I'm there, Taylor.

-I can make it work.
-Me, too.

Well, I'm loving
the community spirit here.

Um, schedules to be announced.

Uh, now, our last issue, people.

This unfortunately is... less pleasant.

So, we're back to the floaty hut?

Who gives a crap about the floaty hut?

I don't. I'm just curious.

If you're so curious,
why don't you marry it?

--After 89 years of continual operation,

the Stars Hollow Gazette is shutting down.

-Are you kidding?
-I'm gonna miss the coupons.

-I'm gonna miss the poem on the front.
-Yeah, the seasonal poem.

Why is it shutting down, Taylor?
Money?

No, it was still operating in the black.

But the paper's editor,
Bernie Roundbottom--

Come on.

Bernie retired as editor,
and there's no one to take his place.

-Oh, well.
-It had a good run.

Eighty-nine years, not bad.

Really? Am I the only one
who's in shock over this news?

Well, I had discussed the possibility
of the Gazette shutting down

at an earlier meeting,
before you were back.

I'm not back.

I figured the Thirtysomething Gang
would've filled you in by now.

I don't hang out with them.

So, unless there's other business
anybody wants to bring up...

What about the floaty hut?

Really, get a room.

What about it?
It is broken and down for the season.

Did they find the bums who broke it?

I wonder what Luke and the floaty hut's
kids are gonna look like.

--Shut up.

Excuse me...
Um, excuse me, everybody...

Uh, most everybody...

I gotta say, just shutting down
the Stars Hollow Gazette like this,

with all its tradition and history,

without even putting up
the tiniest fight, it just seems...

--...wrong.

They're still closing.
Have a good night, people!

Wait. What about my floaty hut?

-It's waiting in bed for you.
-Shut up, Bootsy.

-I think your anonymous cover's blown.
-Then screw it.

If no one else gives a damn about it,
then I don't either.

That's the spirit.

My word, but it's sweltering today.

Sultry.
That's what it is. Sultry.

Brandon, I'm out.

Thank you, Brandon.

I'm just mad about the boy.

Ah, yes,
lots of returning favorites today.

-There's old Butter Butt.
-And our good friend, Back Fat Pat.

-Tell me, is he of the Maryland Back Fats?
-I believe he is.

- They did a job on that floaty hut.
- Is it fixable?

-I'm trying.
-Excuse me, Mr. Hasselhoff?

I do not wanna talk about the T-shirt.

Then we will not.

A little to the right, Dewey, please.

As the sun moves, Dewey, it would
help if you moved the parasol with it.

-Yes, m'lady.
-I taught him to call me that.

- You're shameless.

Hey! Yo, yo, yo!

No diving off the edge like that!
There's rules!

All right, that's it.
Everybody out of the pool.

Right now. Come on.
Out! Let's go.

You give a man a lifeguard T-shirt,
it goes straight to his head.

I'm sleepy.
I think I'll nap, Brandon.

-Yes, Khaleesi.
-Ooh, that's good, too.

Night, night.

-Hey, you're back!
-I'm not back.

-I'm talking to Michel.
-Oh. Hi, Michel.

Hello, Rory.
Yes, I got back yesterday.

-How are things at the inn? Good?
-Well--

Great. Frederick makes me come here
and be around kids

so I acclimate to them
for when we make our own.

Is that right, "make them"?

-Or have them.
-Whatever.

Fatherhood is just going to be
a lot of pretending for me.

Okay, bye-bye.

Wow.

He didn't even call
to tell me he was back.

-He's French.
-It's way more than that.

You know, the Stars Hollow Gazette
is the first newspaper I ever read.

-Hmm.
-The Gazette.

My love of words came from that paper.

-Oh, my God.
-What?

- Incoming.
- Hey, there.

-Hey, Pat.
-Oh, hi. Hi, Pat.

Welcome back, Rory.

- Oh, I'm not back, fat...
- I mean, back, Pat.

So you're pool people, huh?
Never would have taken you for it.

-Oh, you--
-Uh... no.

-Just... sometimes.
-Was kinda.

-Well, got to get going.
-Okay.

- Okay, see ya, Pat.
- See ya.

--It's just so stressful being here.

Dewey? Adjust.

That looks like fun.

Okay, so we got all your info here.

Hang on to your sheet music
and knock 'em dead.

Hello.

-Hello.
-Hi, there.

-Hi, Babette. Hi, Patty.
-Shh, we're working here!

So you got your sheet music there,
Mr. Tall, Dark and Yowza?

- Yup, all set.
- Name's Kevin?

Nice, but I think I'll call you...
tomorrow.

Babette, no.

There's the line.
Good luck, Kevin.

-Wow, thanks a lot.
-Yeah, that was a total clam jam.

--Don't encourage her.

Go. Go. Scram.

Lorelai! Lorelai!

-Oh, my God.
-Do we know her?

Uh, Claudia.

-Oh, my God. Hi!
-Hi.

Are you auditioning, too?

Oh, no, I was just passing by
with my daughter.

-Is this Rory?
-It is. Yes, this is Rory.

Rory, this is Claudia.

-Hello.
-My therapist.

Hello!

-Hi. Are you involved in this?
-I'm just on the advisory committee.

Can you put in a word for me
with the director?

Absolutely.

- Every bit helps.
- I guess so.

-Mm-hmm.
-So, break something.

--What?

-Isn't she supposed to fix you?
-I think so.

- You're totally screwed.
- Ugh.

- Oh, I'm on cloud nine.

We've done it.
We've found our leading lady.

-That's great, Taylor.
-I couldn't believe her résumé.

Credits for days.
She sings, she dances, she whittles.

Just look at her.
And look at those gams.

She's the most beautiful woman
I've ever seen.

- Present company excepted, right?

No, she's pretty much
the hottest woman I've ever seen.

Hmm. And she was Kinky Boots.

-You mean she was in Kinky Boots.
-No, no, she played the lead.

- She was Kinky Boots.

But that's not her name.

There was no character named Kinky Boots.
I saw the show.

Yes, I saw the show, too.

Now, excuse me, ladies.
I've got to get back to work.

Stars Hollow is mounting a big musical,

and no one from the Stars Hollow Gazette
is covering it.

And why? Because there is
no more Stars Hollow Gazette.

-It stinks.
-It stinks? That's it?

The girl was Kinky Boots.

She was in Kinky Boots!
Nobody is named Kinky Boots!

-This is not right.
-No. I saw the show twice.

The Stars Hollow Gazette
cannot just go down.

I mean, it's not Spotlight
at the Boston Globe.

It'll never blow the lid off a cabal
of buggering priests.

We only have one priest in town.
He's a good man.

That's not the Gazette's fault.

-I'll see you back at home.
-Go get 'em!

Hey, world,
you looking for me?

♪ Stop your pouting
And get to shouting ♪

♪ 'Cause Bernie's back today ♪

♪ I've been gone so long
And you can bet I've got a lot to say ♪

♪ Seriously, get comfortable ♪

Taylor, do not close
the Stars Hollow Gazette!

-Huh? What was that?
-Khaleesi is speaking.

Bit's over, Brandon.
Do not close the Gazette.

It's a 90-year-old institution,
and it's important to people.

Well, tell that to Bernie Roundbottom.

Marlin fishing in Boca Raton
was more meaningful to that ingrate.

Well...
all it lacks is an editor, right?

So, someone to steer the ship?
I'm your girl!

May I ask what your qualifications are?

-I'm... here.
-Well, that's a good start.

I have a degree in journalism
from Yale University. How's that?

Not bad, but this job will take you away
from the Thirtysomething Gang.

-Have you thought about that?
-I'll adjust.

-Should we discuss salary?
-I assume it pays nothing?

You got the job.
Come, let's go introduce you to the staff.

Lead the way.

Everyone, good news!

We found our editor
and the Gazette is saved.

Some of you know her.

Rory Gilmore, graduate of Yale
and a professional journalist.

She starts immediately.

Now, it may take her a little time
to learn all your names,

but I want you to cooperate with her

and give her 100%
of your skills and capabilities,

just as you did Bernie Roundbottom.
Please, welcome her to the fold.

Hi, I'm Rory.

- Esther.
- Charlie.

Great. Got the names.

We have you in adjoining rooms
eight and nine for four nights.

You are confirmed for tonight
for dinner at 6:30.

Oh, and please take this.
Good for two complimentary cocktails.

-Wonderful. Thanks.
-But I do not want to leave anyone out.

Is there anyone little here today?
Anyone at all?

- We're little! We're little!
- Oh! I did not see you there.

For our special little muppets,
complimentary lollipops.

That is, if you like lollipops.

-Yeah!
-Oh, boy.

Go ahead, take one each.
Now, when I say one, I mean two.

- Oh!
- Thank you.

Enjoy your stay.

-Thank you.
-Yes.

On a scale of one to ten,

how much did I sound
like a child molester?

-Six.
-Oh, getting better. Hmm.

-Lorelai.
-Yeah?

Did you know I just celebrated a birthday?

-Of course I did.
-It was a big one. A milestone.

- Fifty?
- Forty.

-I'm not 50.
-You're not 40.

-I'm not 50.
-Michel, you weren't 17 when we met.

This is the problem
with knowing people a long time.

They can backdate you.

-I'm guessing you're in the middle?
-Somewhere, yes.

So, maybe you can take me out
for a drink tonight? To celebrate?

-Sure.
-And talk?

Yeah, sure.

- Let's talk.

Oh, you must be the Mitchells!
We were expecting you.

Oh my, who is that little angel
you brought with you?

She looks like she dropped
straight down from heaven.

--Hi, come on in.

Welcome to the Secret Bar.
What can I get you?

-Uh...
-Um...

Gin martini. Cold, dry, twist, please.

Do you have the George Clooney tequila?

The one he enjoys with celebrity friends
on his many tequila-filled nights?

-We've got Jose Cuervo.
-Does he hang out with George Clooney?

Bring me a shot of Jose,
with a little bit of salt on the rim.

-Got it.
-Thank you.

Pretty good crowd tonight.

Yes. Very lively.

So...

"My wife is crying upstairs.

I can hear cars coming in the house.

Consigliere of mine,
I think it's time you tell your Don

what everyone seems to know."

-What?
-It's from The Godfather.

- Oh, not The Godfather again.
- It has a quote for every circumstance.

-You don't have a wife.
-It's not exact.

-And who's Don?
-Michel--

- I'm leaving.

I'm out of quotes.

I was not just on vacation.

I had a meeting at the W Hotel.

Oh.

Look, with my experience, my skills,
my charm, don't laugh--

-Wasn't laughing.
-Doors are open to me.

-Good jobs. High-paying jobs.
-I can't say that I'm surprised.

- Thank you.
- Thank you.

What I wanted to ask, before it's final,

is there a way
we can expand the Dragonfly?

Make it bigger, add a spa.
I was born to run a spa.

Michel, I've got a nature preserve
on one side,

a fire lane on the other side,
protected wetlands on the other side,

and I'm not allowed to put guests
in the barn unless they eat oats.

Well, I need more. More to do.
More responsibility. More money.

-We have a baby on the way.
-You do?

Yeah, I think Frederick ordered one.
I have to check. Anyway...

I can't just stay in one place forever.

I know.

I think I need to take that job at the W.

- Five-O!
- Five-O!

Clear!

What if I come up with more money for you?

You're overpaying me now.
Part of my pay comes out of yours.

You think Michel only sees
as far as his own reflection?

I see the books.
I need more money.

You need someone you can pay less.
Can you deny that?

What are you doing?
Is your drink sour? What's going on?

-I'm just trying not to cry.
-Lorelai, don't cry.

If you cry, I'll cry. I can't be seen
crying at the Secret Bar.

-It's bad enough that I'm here at all.
-I'm trying not to.

Lane, this dumb slow song is not helping.

Play something happy and uplifting,
please.

It's much better!

I must say, it's been a while since
I've felt such energy and excitement

on the floor
of the Stars Hollow Gazette newsroom.

Yeah, it's like
an Aaron Sorkin movie in here.

Are you not having fun?
I think it's important to have fun.

Oh, I'm having fun.

Right now, I'm experiencing
the joy of MS-DOS.

Well, if you're confused,
Esther here is our computer expert.

- Esther?
- Yes?

What do you know about MS-DOS?

-Is that an actor?
-No, it's the computer operating system.

I know about it from Halt and Catch Fire,
and I didn't watch the show that closely.

Well, I have the instructions here
Mr. Roundbottom gave me. Hold on.

"Turn computer on."
Did you turn it on?

I did everything but blow in its ear.

"Insert floppy disk."
You got your floppy disk?

- Never mind, Esther.
- Happy to help.

Huh, something is not adding up here.

Let's get out the company abacus
and figure it out.

You're printing the poem
on the cover, yes?

-The poem?
-Oh, yes, a poem.

There's been a poem on the cover
of the Gazette celebrating the season

-in every issue we've ever published.
-I know. I'm an avid reader.

-I was thinking of going another way.
-Another way. Okay.

Editor's choice, I guess.
I'll leave you to it.

See you later, Taylor.

-Coffee pot needs washing.
-And a jackhammer.

Oh, hello, Taylor. Just came by
to visit my little Perry White.

Now, she's working.
Don't distract her too much.

Five-O!

I've had a long day.
A very long day.

Me, too.

A magical desk.

Tell me, is this Scotch old?

Judging by the "Save for VE Day,"
scrawled on the label, I'd say yes.

Bottoms up.

Oops, we woke Charlie up.

I just left Michel at the Secret Bar.
It's final. He's leaving.

Really?

He's giving me three months
to find someone to replace him.

-Claims it may not be enough time.
-Always humble, our Michel.

I'm really gonna miss him.

- Me, too.

--What?

-Paul.
-Who?

-Come on.
-You haven't broken up with him?

Let's have another round tonight.

Shoot! Woke Charlie up again.

Oh.

Well, we did it, folks.

Our first issue of the Gazette
is ready to hit the stands.

-It's not my first issue.
-Or mine, neither.

Well, no, but it's mine.

It's an accomplishment. A milestone.
We should open some champagne.

Gives me gas.

Hey, question. What's the next step?

-Huh?
-Where do the papers go?

All the businesses in town get a stack.

Yes, but who delivers the stacks?

How's it going in here?

Fine, if Eric would run plates
while they're hot!

Customers cornered him.
He'll be right in.

Great. Eric's chatting about
the Red Sox while the food's getting cold?

- Oh, he hates the Red Sox.
- And you. I'm mad at you.

-Why are you mad at me?
-You know why.

Are you doing this?
Are you siccing the mountain man on me?

The couple from New York
wants to know if the meat is Pat LaFrieda?

-What?
-Is it Pat LaFrieda?

The couple from New York wants to know

if I ground up some guy
named Pat LaFrieda and served him?

Tell them yeah.

Give them this. They'll like it.
I put Pat's pancreas in there.

Luke, hon, have I thanked you lately

for hosting Tuesday Burger Day
at the Dragonfly?

- There's no need.
- But if it's driving you crazy--

-I'm fine.
-You don't seem fine.

I'm just trying to keep things going.

- Okay.

Hi.

- Help. I need help.
- What?

-With what?
-Gazette. Now.

-Bring walking shoes.
-Uh--

- You know I have a business!
- I know.

Instead of being there, running the diner,

I'm here, talking about whether or not
I ground up some Italian guy

and served him in my burgers.

Pat LaFrieda is a New York butcher.

-Hire a chef.
-I will.

-Soon.
-Uh, I'm gonna go get one right now.

Wait.

Are you just gonna leave me here?

Hello? Eric?

Somebody?
Hello?

-Got the list? Shoes on tight?
-Check. Check.

Let's do this.

You take the west side,
I'll take the east.

Got it.

-Where are you going?
-West.

-That's east.
-That's west.

It's not. See?
Eastside Dental. It's east.

And the name of the dentist
at Eastside Dental is...

Dr. Eastside.
Holy cow, I just put that together?

Look, you take that side of town,
I'll take this side.

Deal.

-Rory, wait!
-What's up, guys?

-Where's the poem?
-Didn't have room for it.

-You didn't have room?
-But the poem is great.

The poem is traditional.

-Now there's just words.
-Those are articles.

-Articles?
-Who reads the Gazette for the articles?

Thanks for coming.
We appreciate your business.

You look exhausted.

- Calling in reinforcements.

Okay. I'll take the west side,
you take the east side.

- That's west.
- That's east.

Dewey, I am telling you
that is the west side.

Nope. There's 38 here.
I'm supposed to get 40.

I'll come back with two more.

-I can't accept partial delivery.
-You can and you will.

Bernie Roundbottom
never conducted business like this!

Well, there's
a new Bernie Roundbottom in town!

Shellfish gets better with age,
Mrs. Cassini.

Everyone knows that.

Already got a complaint from Bootsy.
You shorted him.

-I don't care!
-And people are missing the poem!

Just a heads-up!

Hey. What are you guys up to?

We're doing
"I drink your milkshake! I drink it up!"

-It's from There Will Be Blood.
-The movie?

Mm-hmm. We love everything
Paul Thomas Anderson does.

-We're the Thirtysomething Gang!
-See ya.

Hello?

Rory. Doyle.

-Hey, Doyle. What's up?
-Nothing much with me.

What's up with you
ruining my movie review in the Gazette?

Doyle, please.
I'm in the middle of my route.

I was doing you a favor, right?

You'd asked me if I'd like to contribute?
I said yes, help out an old friend,

and then you butchered it
like a piece of veal.

Your review of The Jungle Book

took a 20,000-word detour
into the history of African colonialism.

So you're gonna get
all anti-intellectual now?

5,000 of those words were adjectives.

-Who says adjectives are bad?
-You, when you were my editor.

I'm writing a couple things
for Michael Bay,

and he's really into adjectives.

You trust his grammatical stylings
over me?

-Are you saying I'm a sell-out?
-No, I'm not.

I played snooker at his house last night,
and he's really cool.

-I don't have time for this.
-What idiot got rid of the poem?

-Hi.
-Hi.

We've been meaning to introduce ourselves.

We get together a couple times a week,
read our kids' résumés,

trade job tips,
just offer general support.

We're the parents
of the Thirtysomething Gang.

See ya.

Are you kidding me?

- She was here about 20 minutes ago.
- Hey, there.

I just found newspapers at Mrs. Kim's.

I just found newspapers
at the dentist's. So there.

Oh! For the love of--
We're hitting the same spots!

Well, then stop hitting
the east side, Rory!

No. I'm hitting the west side!

No! Dewey said
this is the east side!

That's the west side!

We need a better system!

I drink your milkshake!
I drink it up!

Going to the gym?

Oh, yeah.
I just... gotta go home and get my stuff.

- Great. I'll see you there.
- Okay.

Ouch! Ouch! Ouch!

- Rory!
- Ouch! Ouch!

-Ouch, my feet bloody hurt.
-Ow! Ow! Ow!

-What's wrong?
-My feet hurt.

-I told you to wear comfy shoes.
-Even comfy shoes cannot offset

the effects of the Bataan Death March. Ow!

This walking thing is for chumps.

I have newfound respect
for people who deliver things.

Next time I see the UPS guy,
I'm gonna make him happy.

Ew.

- I want a raise.
- Talk to my office manager.

-Who's your office manager?
-Me.

Hey, I want a raise.

At the year-end review,
I'll throw you something.

Did we order Chinese, Greek and Italian
last night?

-And hot dogs.
-Ugh. Last night's a blur.

What did we end up watching?

Sound of Fear,
or Co-Ed Call Girl?

I'd remember if we'd rocked a Spelling.

They should make a Lifetime movie
out of Tori Spelling falling at Benihana.

Grill of Death.

- That reminds me, I need to call Grandma.
- Oh, yes.

When I think of blistering burns,
I also think of my mother.

Ouch! Ouch!

- Hello?
- Grandma.

-Yes?
-It's Rory.

-Oh! Rory. Hello.
-Are you okay?

Uh, I guess. I...
I just need some coffee.

Berta, have the cousins bring me coffee!

-Did I just wake you up?
-No, I was just dozing.

-Are you sick?
-No, I... I'm fine.

What time is it?

-It's almost noon.
-Already?

Noon is when dock workers
and rock stars get up.

Are you doing some moonlighting
I don't know about?

Uh, no. Where are my glasses?

Listen, I'd like to come see you.
When are you free?

-I don't know. What day is it?
-It's Saturday.

Well, I have a DAR meeting on Thursday,
but other than that, I'm free.

-So maybe I'll--
-Wait a minute. Hold on.

Berta, was that the door?

I'm sorry, Rory. I have to go.

- Grandma--

Ouch! Ouch!

I kind of dig it.
It's like you're wearing a cowbell.

Well, dig this.
Grandma was asleep, and it's almost noon.

-Hmm.
-I woke her up!

Are you hearing me?
I woke up Emily Gilmore at noon.

-I heard.
-It's weird.

It's weird.

Thanks for the support
you've given her. That's been helpful.

Hey! She's the one who quit therapy

and drove that poor woman
into show business.

-You're a child.
-Get used to it.

I have to head to the Gazette.
News never sleeps. Ouch!

-Ouch! Ouch!
-Ouch!

- Ouch! Ouch!
- Ouch! Ouch!

Welcome, everyone, to the first
run-through of Stars Hollow: The Musical.

This is a special preview performance
for our advisory committee,

and for a few select friends and family.

I think you're all in for a real treat.
But first, some business.

What you see here today
needs to remain strictly confidential.

But rather than having
good neighbors such as yourselves

sign some cold legal document,

how about you all raise your right hands
and repeat after me?

I, Stars Hollow theater lover...

I, Stars Hollow theater lover...

hereby swear that I will not divulge
any portion of this show in any way...

hereby swear that I will not divulge
any portion of this show in any way...

out of respect for
the hard-working creators of this musical,

so help me God,

or Allah, or Buddha,
or whatever it is you pray to.

out of respect for
the hard-working creators of this musical,

so help me God,

or Allah, or Buddha,
or whoever it is you pray to.

Wow! Are we excited about this!

Wow! Are we excited about this!

No, uh, people,
the repeating part is over.

You'll see that the show
is a little rough,

but Nat and I have put our hearts
and souls into this, haven't we, Nat?

-He needs more fiber, that boy.
-Or last rites.

Under each of your seats is a pen
and clipboard with sheets of blank paper,

ready for your feedback.

Feel free to jot down any critique
or suggestion any time during the show.

And now, sit back, relax,
and enjoy Stars Hollow: The Musical!

One more for the road, huh?

Can't a man enjoy a glass of whiskey

after a hard day's work
here in Stars Hollow?

A man can.

--But there's no man in this room.

- What the--
- Shh!

- But, look at the--

You were always a sly cat, Felix.

But your talons have dulled.

A cat has nine lives.

-And all of mine are in the past!
-Meow.

I wish I was in the past.
It's better than any future with you!

- Low blow!

--What's happening?

- I don't know!

Hold on!

- What?

No. What?

♪ We're working on building
Working on building Stars Hollow ♪

♪ We're working on building
Working on building Stars, Stars Hollow ♪

♪ This redwood tree, it soars so high
It touches God in heaven ♪

♪ We'll hack it into a dining room set
That'll easily seat eleven ♪

♪ Working on building
Working on building Stars Hollow ♪

♪ We're working on building
Working on building ♪

♪ Stars, Stars Hollow ♪

♪ There's a river over there
Got to move it over here ♪

♪ Gonna kill a lot of beaver
Gonna cull a lot of deer ♪

♪ There's no EPA
So we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Stars Hollow! ♪

♪ Got a hatchet and an ax
And a hammer and a knife ♪

The guy is hot.

♪ And a red hot poker
And a super sharp scythe ♪

♪ Got a dagger and a mallet
And a really big rock ♪

♪ Stars Hollow! ♪

♪ Got a hatchet and an ax
And a hammer and a knife ♪

♪ Got a red hot poker
With a super sharp scythe ♪

♪ Got a dagger and a mallet
And a really big rock ♪

♪ Stars Hollow! ♪

What a night!

It's nothing but ice out there.

Well, come inside. Warm yourself.

Here, take my musket and ammunition
while I pour myself a drink.

My God!
Your balls are frozen!

It must be ten below out there.

But you're all right.

My brave soldier.

Not so fast with the encomiums!

Encomiums. Encomiums?

We stood there all night,
but the British never came.

-I'm not the man you think I am.
-But you are.

- Go on.

♪ You are me in pants ♪

♪ And you are me in a dress ♪

♪ It fits a bit askance ♪

♪ I've tried it on, I confess ♪

♪ We met so awfully cute ♪

♪ And you were ripe and curvy ♪

♪ You brought me a crown of citrus fruit ♪

♪ Which I hoped would cure your scurvy ♪

♪ It's a love, love
Love revolution ♪

♪ In a revolutionary time ♪

♪ You are like no other ♪

♪ Because you are my brother ♪

♪ But that's no crime ♪

-♪ Not yet ♪
-♪ Thank God ♪

♪ Lafayette! ♪

♪ It's a love, love
Love revolution ♪

♪ In a revolutionary time ♪

♪ We'll raise cows and pigs ♪

♪ And get honey from a hive ♪

♪ We'll have 14 kids ♪

♪ And hope that three will survive ♪

♪ It's a war-torn time ♪

♪ And I'm smelling you
And I want to rip your threads off ♪

♪ Let's have sex a lot ♪

♪ Before the British ♪

♪ Blow our heads off ♪

♪ It's a love, love
Love revolution ♪

♪ In a revolutionary time ♪

♪ It's a love, love
Love revolution ♪

♪ In a revolutionary ti-- ♪

♪ Ha-ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha-ha!
Ha-ha-ha-hime! ♪

--All right. Hold tight, everyone.

We have a quick costume change,
and next up, the Industrial Revolution.

Hey, can I borrow your pen?

Sure. Why?

Advisory committee.

Okay...

Well, here we are. 1891.

Did you hear about the new sport
that this Dr. James Naismith created?

It'll never catch on.

-What's it called?
-Basketball.

I had an idea today.

-For an invention.
-What is it?

A machine that would wash
your dinner dishes automatically.

That's a wonderful idea!

I'll build the factory
here in Stars Hollow.

-We'll be rich!
-As long as the workers stay complacent.

And non-rhythmic.

--Yo, yo, yo! Not so fast!

-Wait a second.
-I say!

Let me tell you what I'm talking about.

Oy vey...

♪ Hey, yo! Look, I'm rappin'
Just like Hamilton on Broadway ♪

♪ This is an odd way
To tell the town story

♪ Depict the town glory ♪

♪ And get you to follow me
To Stars Hollow, see ♪

- No, no.
- ♪ Magnetic, yo! ♪

♪ I'm just like Magneto ♪

♪ Last night I held a meeting
Underneath the town gazebo ♪

♪ We had sandwiches
And talked all night ♪

♪ And at the end we all voted to
"Strike! Strike!" ♪

♪ Young man, you must know
This will ruin Stars Hollow ♪

♪ And for me, all your rapping
Is kind of hard to follow ♪

♪ Yeah, Lin-Manuel
Had to deal with this ♪

♪ Give it time, just trust
Your ears will adjust ♪

♪ You gave me the mic
And I'm gonna rock it ♪

♪ The world is a terrible place ♪

♪ There's junk mail and terrorism ♪

♪ Tiny airplane seats ♪

♪ New weird viruses
Really small print ♪

♪ And tank tops ♪

♪ Anything by Jeff Koons ♪

♪ Spam! ♪

♪ Not the food ♪

♪ Man-buns! ♪

- ♪ Those Occupy... ♪
- ♪ Radicals! ♪

♪ What restaurants charge for wine ♪

-♪ And Putin ♪
-♪ And Putin ♪

-♪ And Putin ♪
-♪ And Putin ♪

♪ And Pu-Pu-Pu-Pu-Putin ♪

♪ What's there not to love
About the town of Stars Hollow? ♪

♪ With its twinkle lights ♪

♪ Friendly people ♪

♪ Ample parking and historic steeple ♪

♪ Our sunsets are the best ♪

♪ The kids are just adorable ♪

♪ Our sewer system's new ♪

♪ Our leash laws are enforceable ♪

♪ So what's there not to love ♪

♪ About the town of Stars Hollow
Hollow, Hollow, Hollow ♪

♪ Hollow, Hollow, Hollow, Hollow
Hollow, Hollow, Hollow, Hollow ♪

No. Come on.

Lorelai, what is your problem?

What's next, a kickline?

No. No.

I'm Nostradamus.

♪ There's everything to love ♪

♪ About the town of ♪

♪ Stars Hollow ♪

♪ Stars Hollow ♪

♪ Stars Hollow! ♪

Okay. Well, uh...
Wow!

Where are we gonna meet to go over this?
What's happening?

Sit down!

Ooh. Sorry.

♪ Waterloo, I was defeated
You won the war ♪

Oh, no.

Gotta be kidding me.

♪ Waterloo
Promise to love you forevermore ♪

-You're not getting up?
-I guess I am.

-You're not gonna clap?
-Yes I am.

Yay.

So, this is the zero hour, people.
It's been a lot of hard work,

and Nat and I are certainly proud
of what we've accomplished thus far.

But now, I need to hear
from my trusted stable of advisors,

and I want the unvarnished truth,
warts and all.

So hit me with it.
Hold nothing back.

We can take it.

-This show is fantastic!
-Ah! I knew it!

Simba, you've been dethroned.
Bow to the new king.

It moves. It breathes.

Add an orchestra,
you can take it straight to Broadway.

School of Rock. Bunch of schlock.
This show gets an "A."

I know nothing about musicals,
but this is a fun musical.

The book was terrific, too.

Tevye, move over.
There's a new Jew in town.

Well, it seems
like we've got unanimity here.

Or do we?

- Hmm?
- You're awfully quiet.

And you've been writing an awful lot
on your clipboards there.

Clipboards?
You needed more than one clipboard?

-Hey, Babette was writing a lot, too.
-I was writing my funny zingers.

Hasa diga eebowai, you Mormon nerds.
Audiences are ringing a new doorbell!

I got 26 more of these.

So, I guess we're waiting
for your opinion?

Right. Well...

I think... for a first run-through,
it was... yeah.

"Yeah" is not an opinion.

Didn't you think it was charming?
I thought it was.

I did. I thought it was charming.

I, uh, just had a few questions
and maybe a few suggestions.

-Really?
-What's your suggestion?

Make it less perfect?

Now, now, people,
I asked for the unvarnished truth.

Let's hear Lorelai's notes.
Lorelai?

Okay.
So, first, that opening scene...

With her black eye, the whiskey,
the weird, gritty whatever it was.

What was that about?

The opening scene is an excerpt
from a play I wrote in college

that happened to be blessed by my mentor,
the great Edward Albee.

--You may know him

as the author of a little something called
Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?

-Impressive.
-Wow.

- You worked with Edward Albee?
- Yes.

I was at Joe Allen one night, years ago,
and I dropped the script on Albee's table

with my phone number
and asked him to call me with notes.

Any notes at all
that would make it better than it was.

And... he never called.

--Wow!

Congratulations, Taylor.

So, Edward Albee's eating at Joe Allen,
you drop a script at his table,

he never calls,
and that makes him your mentor?

You just don't understand
the theater community.

I guess not.

I have dinner reservations.
Are you done?

-What about the rapping?
-What?

-Is this getting racial?
-A little.

No. No. It's not racial. Just...
Isn't it way too Hamilton?

-Hamilton's a smash.
-It won a million Tonys.

It's very popular, but doesn't that make
what we're doing derivative?

So, because Hamilton has rap numbers,
no one else in the world can rap?

You will be so kind as to let
RZA and Busta Rhymes know

that they're not allowed to rap anymore?

How does he know those names?

What about the Civil War number
with the revolving stage?

What was the point of that?

Again, Hamilton utilized a revolving stage
and it worked like gangbusters.

Ours looked like a lazy Susan.

Carl and Violet
should dress up as condiments.

Condiments? Hmm, Nat,
that's something we should kick around.

That's not the point.

That number got a standing O,
and it's one of Nat's favorites.

If you want to cut it,

you'll have to pry it
out of his cold, dead hands.

I don't think there's any other way
to pry something from Nat.

But, to be clear, no one else
is bothered by these detours?

No.

- If there's nothing else--
- Sorry, the lead girl.

-Can we talk about her?
-Who? Violet?

What do you want?
For her to be less perfect?

-Impossible.
-She was Kinky Boots!

Just the part she plays.
Her character goes from scene to scene,

falling in love with every guy
from a different era.

-So? Sex sells.
-She was Kinky Boots.

She has sex, like, 26 times in the show!

That's a lot of friction.
A fire was gonna start down there.

-I didn't know you were such a prude.
-I'm not a prude.

-You counted how many times she had sex.
-She was Kinky Boots!

-So, everybody likes her? Violet.
-Ouch.

Methinks the town stable
has one mare too many for Lorelai.

-She has a beautiful voice.
-And... she was Kinky Boots!

Babette, I love you, but Kinky Boots
was a show, not a character.

She was in the road show,
not the Broadway show.

And she wasn't Kinky Boots.
She was Trish, the factory worker!

I'm right next to you.
You don't have to yell!

- I'm not yelling.
- Am I yelling?

Look, last thing. Abba?

Ah! Thanks for reminding me.
We all love the Abba songs.

But my attorney warned me that doing
the nine Abba songs at the end

might entangle us
in some messy litigation.

Now, I've got a call in to Benny Andersson
and Björn Ulvaeus of Abba--

-You have their numbers?
-But have yet to hear back.

You know, Taylor...
I've written some songs. Sorry.

No. No, Sophie, go ahead.

I've never done anything with them,

but you can have them for free
to sing at the end, if you like.

Well, that's very nice, Sophie.

Are they catchy?

-I could play one for you.
-Please.

♪ I feel the earth move under my feet ♪

♪ I feel the sky tumblin' down
A-tumblin' down ♪

♪ I feel my heart start to tremble ♪

Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah...
Um...

That's not catchy.

Yeah, you're right. Sorry.

Honestly, everyone here
is just throwing encomiums at this thing.

Mondo encomium! It's all swell?

I'm an island?

Guess I'm an island.

And I can just make my reservation.

- You don't like me.

Oh, you scared me. Violet.

-You don't like me.
-That's not true.

- Why?

Have you ever performed?
Been in a musical? Taken this risk?

No. Well, once.

I was Lucy in
You're a Good Man, Charlie Brown.

I was awful.

Charlie Brown kicked me instead
of the football and the crowd cheered.

So I wasn't Kinky Boots, okay?
I was Trish. It's a featured role.

-It's a great role.
-Well, I went on a lot. In Boston.

Boston's a big-ass town.

- Uh-huh.
- Everybody's a critic.

-Well, it was my job.
-Mm, well.

I got to go. Opening night's in a week.
Thanks for the doubts.

-You're a terrific tap dancer!
-I don't need your validation!

It's quite a find.

It's a hell of a find.
Excuse my language.

Don't you think, Emily?

Oh, yes. Yes, quite a find!

And it was a yard sale.
Not even a thrift shop.

It was at the bottom of a box,
under an old toaster and a broken Slinky.

I'd drop by more yard sales myself,
but you have to step into people's yards.

Oh, with their trampolines
and their "Kiss the Gardener" signs.

With your approval, I would like
to petition the national board

to fund the purchase
of a top-notch display

for the diaries of Abigail Franklin.

-After we authenticate them, right?
-Hmm?

We can't repeat what happened
with the bogus Federalist Papers.

Where the word "Federalist"
was misspelled.

We stopped that check just in time.

Very well, then.
Post-verification. All in favor?

- Excellent. I'll get the process started.
- Hmm.

Emily, these puffs...
Are they crab?

Do they taste like crab?

- I don't know.
- Neither do I.

Berta makes things, and I just eat them.

She doesn't tell you what they are?

Oh, no, she tells me.

Oh, my goodness!
Is it three o'clock already?

-I have a hair appointment.
-Me, too.

-Same here.
-I guess the meeting's adjourned.

-Goodbye, darling.
-Sorry to dash.

- Lovely meeting, dear.
- Mm-hmm. Thank you.

Well, this is a surprise.
Did I know you were coming?

Did I forget?
Have I officially become an old woman?

No, not you. Never.
I popped by to see if you were home.

No, no, no,
Señora Emily--

Berta no know anything, anything.

They're gonna miss
their hair appointments,

and it's all their fault.

-Uh, Grandma...
-Yes?

There's a TV in here.

Yes, there is.
So would you like something to eat?

I have Berta puffs from today
and some mystery soup from last night.

No, I'm fine.

Grandma, why is there a TV in here?

One of Berta's cousins heard me talking
about a live opera that was coming on,

and it was during dinnertime,

so they brought it down
and set it up for me.

-You ate in the living room?
-Yes.

On this?
It's a Duncan Phyfe!

I didn't eat on the coffee table.

They set this up for me.

- Am I being punk'd?
- You're being dramatic.

Grandma, have you been
getting out of the house at all?

Of course I have.
I'm not a shut-in.

I mean socializing.
Not just running errands.

-Are you getting together with people?
-I was just with the girls.

I don't mean DAR meetings.
Have you been doing anything fun?

Yes, I'm full of fun.

-You were asleep at noon the other day.
-So?

It's not like you.
Do you go to the club?

You and Grandpa loved the club.

I'm not even sure if my membership
is up-to-date.

-Well, renew it.
-Why?

You're too young to be eating
in front of a TV, watching Matlock.

-Matlock isn't on anymore.
-It's in repeats.

I'm watching PBS, not Matlock.
I'm not 90.

That's my point.

Maybe you should go out at night,
mingle, dance a little, have fun.

I should go save the ladies.

Berta, they have to go.
They all have hair appointments.

We had a debate about Andy Griffith.
Alive or dead?

Then we finished off
the finger sandwiches.

Something must have gotten through,
because she actually e-mailed me.

First contact in ages.

She said she would.
What's it about?

Something fun.
Your grandfather's gravestone.

Why would she e-mail you about that?

-There's a new one on the way.
-What happened to the old one?

You mean "ones."
Um... Let's see.

The first one had
the Longfellow quote right,

but without attribution to Longfellow.
Got chucked.

The second one had the attribution,

but she wanted a dash preceding it.
Got chucked.

The third one fell off the delivery truck.
That's not on her.

The fourth one had
the dash and the Longfellow,

but no quotation marks around the quote.
Got chucked.

This is number five.

Does she want us to proof it?

I don't know, Rory.
She just wants us there.

Okay. So we'll go.

Right? Mom?
Grandma asked us.

-We haven't visited the grave in a while.
-I know.

I'm worried about her.

Okay. Fine. We'll go.

-TV tray in the living room.
-Is what I originally named you.

-Bye.
-Bye.

Rory Gilmore.

Yes, thank you.

We've gotten positive feedback
for putting the poem back on the cover.

They are inspiring.

Yes, I'd say we don't have
our heads up our backsides anymore.

Uh-huh.
Thanks for calling.

- No cigar?

I pictured you chomping a fat cigar.

Doctor told me to cut back.

Esther, Charlie, this is Jess.
He's Luke Danes' nephew.

Hello.

I remember you, punk.

Good to see you again, Esther.

You, too.
What's it been? Four years?

Maybe more.
When did you get in?

Just now. I'm meeting Luke.
We've got Mom maintenance to do.

You hear she and T.J.
accidentally joined some cult?

And that vegetables were involved.

-And an eight-million-year contract.
-I heard it was six.

As editor of the Gazette, you have
better sources than me, Mr. Roundbottom.

What?

-Oh.
-Can't wait to hear how you got the job.

It was the usual thing.

I submitted my résumé,
plus samples of my work,

I was thoroughly vetted,
there were several interviews.

Plus complex negotiations
over salary, benefits, parking.

-You asked Taylor?
-Pretty much.

I don't want him to see me like this.

-It's good to see you.
-You, too.

-How about some lunch?
-Sure.

Very Lou Grant.

Last time I checked,
grain was a food group.

-Bottoms up.
-Roundbottoms up.

So, how are you?

-Luke says the book press is going great.
-It's doing okay.

Dave Eggers is shaking in his boots?

If Dave Eggers
even knows we exist, I'd be happy.

And in other stuff?
Personal life?

Stable. Nothing permanent.
What about you?

Oh, damn.

Did you just write "break up with P"?

- How about a second course?

-Esther, would you get that?
-I'm filing something.

You've been filing
that same piece of paper for a long time.

When you started,
Nora Ephron felt good about her neck.

--Do you still want me to get it?

No.
I could've been a contender.

-You're still a contender.
-Oh yeah?

I'm broke. Busted.

Beggared. I have no apartment. No car.

-My license expired three months ago.
-Get out of here.

Everything I own is in boxes
scattered around three different states.

I have no job. I have no credit.
I have no underwear.

-What?
-I can't find that box!

-Buy some new ones.
-Are you listening, man? I'm broke.

I'll lend you the money.

This isn't about you lending me money.

This is about my life!

People come up and smell me.

And what are they smelling?

Failure. Headmaster Charleston
told me to go get my master's

so that I can teach at Chilton.
He could smell it.

I went and interviewed
at a website that I hate.

-They passed. They can smell it.
-No one's smelling anything.

Maybe Paris will let me be a surrogate.

-She's always liked my teeth.
-Slow down.

It's probably too late.
I've aged out.

-Stop. This is a rut. It's temporary.
-Or not.

You're a writer.
Ruts are normal.

My friend Doyle's a Hollywood writer now.

-He's telling me to write a spec script.
-You're not writing a spec script.

He gave me a copy of
The Mysteries of Laura. Is that a show?

You need to write something
that you're passionate about.

What is that foreign concept you speak of?
"Passion"? Is that really a thing?

Find the thing that makes
you feel, so that your readers feel it.

-What makes you feel?
-Did I tell you I lost my wallet?

You should write a book.

Ugh, thanks for
the Naomi Shropshire flashbacks.

Lovely.

- I know what you should write.
- What?

Write about you and your mom.

-What?
-It's a cool story.

It's got a point of view.
It's something only you can write.

Think about it.

I gotta go.

Thanks for lunch.

- Thanks, guys. Looks great.
- Okay.

Hello, Lorelai.

Hi.

They are waiting
for you on the patio.

Lots of things going on here.

The cousins are here and they have
their own ladders. It's exciting.

Mrs. Gilmore is so kind,
the nicest woman I've ever met...

They're right outside.

-Thank you.
-Uh-huh.

Hi, sorry I'm late.

Hello.

-Hello, there.
-Jack, this is my daughter, Lorelai.

Lorelai, this is Jack Smith.

- Hi. Oh.

-Nice to meet you.
-We've met.

-Have we?
-Mm-hmm.

-At Richard's service. Jack spoke.
-I was a good friend of your father's.

Spent many an hour with him
on the golf course.

-Mmm. Yes.
-Great man.

He was a golf player.
Great.

-He was a great golf man.
-Sit down, ladies.

I made a pitcher of gimlets
with a vodka...

I brought back from Russia.
It's wonderful.

- Want to try some?
- Sure.

Rory didn't come with you?

-Lorelai?
-Me?

- Yes, you.
- Uh, she's coming separately.

Jack has offered
to drive us all to the cemetery.

How nice of him.

Well, it's a hard day.
You know, I just want to help.

Here you are, ladies.
Enjoy.

- Thank you, Jack.

So, who are you?
I...

Or, what, where, how do...

What do you do, Jack?

Well, I'm mostly retired.
Venture capital.

I go into the office every now and then.
They hide from me.

And what is the... the... but...

the... the blank...

-blank...
-Yes?

Uh, it just flew out of my head.

-Is your drink all right?
-Oh, yeah. It's very gimlety.

I'm thirsty. Parched.
I'm gonna grab some sparkling water.

-Ah, I'll get it.
-Oh, no, that's okay.

You stay there, Jack.
I'll, um, bring some for all of us.

-You'll be right back?
-I'll be right back.

- Hello?
- Where are you?

Oh, hey. I'm at the Gazette.
I lost track of time.

Stop the presses,
because I've got your new lead story.

What are you talking about?

Your grandmother better buy
herself a new TV tray.

-What?
-She has a boyfriend.

-No.
-Ugh, Jack.

Jack Smith. New Daddy Jack.

I'll put you on speaker.
I have to google something.

Oh, come on.
He can't be her boyfriend.

Well, he's struttin' around like he is.

Sitting next to her, all cozy,
mixing cocktails at Dad's drink cart.

-The patio cart or the living room cart?
-The patio cart.

-Oh well, that's not so bad.
-How is that not so bad?

The patio cart's an auxiliary. I associate
Grandpa with the living room cart.

Dad used both carts!
I associate both with my departed father.

Oh, great.
There's 54 million Jack Smiths.

-Of course that's his name.
-Add Connecticut to it.

Yeah, got it down to two million.

Jack is short for John.
Search John Smith.

Now my phone's just laughing at me.

-Where does she know him from?
-The club.

-Oh, she went back to the club?
-And he was at Dad's funeral.

Dad wasn't even in the ground,

and Jack was there,
spraying his scent all over Mom.

I am in shock.
Are you in shock?

Yeah, I'm in shock.

I thought she'd sworn off the club.
She hasn't been there in ages.

Well, I may have
encouraged her to go back.

-To the club?
-Yes.

-You pimped out my mother?
-I didn't pimp her out.

She was getting very isolated.

You sent a vulnerable, wounded turtle

into a nest
of horny, gray-haired honey badgers.

-I thought she would play backgammon!
-Now, thanks to you,

she's out there sipping a gimlet
with Jack the Zipper.

You're missing this.

I told Grandma
I'd meet you at the cemetery.

I'm working on something.

Oh, what is it?

It's a surprise. I... I'm excited.

-I want to tell you in person.
-Good. I want to hear something

that won't make me queasy.

-Lorelai.
-I gotta go.

-Oh, uh, we'll see you later.
-Bye.

Rory's gonna meet us at the cemetery.

- Do you have a problem?

-I mean, who is this guy, Mom?
-Jack Smith.

What do you know
about this Jack Smith?

I know everything.
We've been friends for 30 years.

Friends, huh?

Playing some golf,
sipping bub at the club?

-What are you babbling about?
-You don't know him.

-Oh, for Pete's sake.
-I mean, what is he after?

Nothing. Why?

-I ain't saying he's a gold digger.
-Lorelai--

Mom, you're a catch.
You're vulnerable.

-You have money.
-He has more.

I ain't saying you're a gold digger.

Jack is a widower and we are friends.

-I can't have friends?
-Of course you can.

Friends are for other people?

It's just weird to see him here.
I'm processing.

Maybe it's good.
Maybe it's good... that you're moving on.

Oh, I see.
It's good that I'm moving on

-because now I'm someone else's problem.
-What?

You won't have to worry about me
because now I have a man in my life.

-I didn't say that.
-You're released from all responsibility.

-I didn't--
-You've forgotten about your father?

Help me with the segues here.

I'm not dismissing Richard
by spending time with Jack.

I'm not just moving on.

Okay. I didn't...

Let's not leave Jack
and the auxiliary cart waiting out there.

- Where's Luke today?

I'm never skipping breakfast again.

Is he going to call me
about that real estate we saw?

What real estate?

I took that "partner" of yours
to look at potential franchise locations.

It was your father's dying wish.

-He wanted to give Luke a leg up.
-Luke does not need a leg up.

I spent half a day with him.

Nice to know he doesn't mind
wasting a grieving widow's time.

-When was this?
-He didn't tell you?

Yes, he did.

Do you and that partner of yours
even talk?

-Yes, always. Constantly.
-Could have fooled me.

We need to go.

Jack, we should be going.

-So, that's the honey badger?
-That's him.

-How was the drive?
-Cologne-scented.

- Hello, honey.
- Hi, Grandma.

Jack is gonna wait for us in the car.
Shall we?

Yeah. Okay.

I thought we took a left
at the Gundersons.

-I thought it was a right at the Turners.
-I know the way.

Stanley.

Good afternoon, Mrs. Gilmore and ladies.

- Hi.
- Hello. Are we all set here?

Yes, we are.

It was newly polished this morning.

The coal gray is just the right shade,

there's a dash
in front of the Longfellow--

-There are single quotation marks.
-Here we go.

It was supposed to be
double quotation marks.

Of course it was.

It was always correct before this.
Why would you change it?

I am going to look into this.

I'm coming with you. This is ridiculous.
This is the fourth one.

-Fifth.
-Stay here.

-Okay.
-Sure.

We can get someone on-site
to carve them into double quotation marks.

Five stones and five mistakes.
What is going on here?

The third one
did fall off the truck.

-I think the single quotes look fine.
-Let her have what she wants.

Grandma's still got your back, Grandpa.

Well, this gives me
a chance to fix his flowers.

You take these.

So, what do you think of Queens?

The monarch or the guys
who are fun to hang out with?

The borough.

I've been looking at apartments.

I think I'm gonna try Queens.
It's the hot place.

-What about Brooklyn?
-Brooklyn's done.

-Oh, I'm so behind.
-You get more space in Queens.

I want a bedroom
and a dedicated writing space,

especially since--

Is this the top-secret
Manhattan Project you've been working on?

-Could be.
-Ooh, happy news. Tell, tell.

Well, it's a book.

-You bought one?
-No.

-Borrowed one? Burned one?
-No. No.

I'm writing a book.

Really?
Nutty Naomi changed her mind?

Oh, no, I'm writing this solo.

-No crazy collaborators.
-Wow!

I know, right?

So, what's it about?
I'm dying to hear.

Sorry, just an expression.

--Is it a love story? A mystery?

A feel-good puppy, kitten, pony, raccoon
travel across country

-to enter a cow in the county fair story?
-It's non-fiction.

So is the puppy, kitten, pony,
raccoon, cow county fair caper.

No animals, no capers.
It's about me and you.

-Me and you?
-Yes.

- And do we fight crime?
- It's about our relationship.

Our mother-daughter thing.
The friend thing.

It's our journey, and the journey
you took before I was born.

Hmm.

Maybe I glossed over it too much.

Just... picture this.

It starts.

You're 16, you're pregnant.

You're packing up
to leave Grandma's house.

It's a riches-to-rags story.
It's got everything.

Family struggle, class warfare,
the independent woman thing.

From there,
I'll tell the story chronologically,

or jump back and forth a bit.
I haven't decided yet, but--

-No.
-What do you mean, "no"?

-No, I don't want you to write that.
-You don't understand.

-Let me pitch it again.
-I get it. No.

-Why?
-Because it's my life.

-It's our life.
-You write your side of it.

-My side.
-Yeah.

And who would I be talking to?

I don't know, Mrs. Muir.
Find a ghost.

-Mom, come on. I have to do this.
-You don't have my permission.

-We should go somewhere else.
-The dead don't have ears.

- But there are people behind us.

Where is this coming from?
What inspired you?

I was frustrated.
I was talking to Jess--

Jess? How the hell did he get into this?

-He was here visiting Luke.
-Oh, great.

I'm looking forward to Jess' take on me.
That's terrific.

It's not his take on you.

-Sorry, kid. Write about something else.
-No.

About your relationships.

-You and Jess and Dean.
-They'll be in it, too.

Don't forget to include Logan,
the guy you just can't quit.

-It's not fair.
-It's my life, Rory.

I went to all this effort
for many, many years,

making sure people only knew
what I wanted them to.

Now you're gonna put it all in a book?
I don't want my mother finding out

I left you in a bucket
in a hardware store in chapter six.

-Are you kidding me?
-You're 32 years old.

She'll still petition the court
to have you taken away.

This is such an overreaction.

Really? Do you know that your grandmother
called you Susan until you were two?

She did not.

Write a book about that,
a woman who leaves a baby

in a bucket and her own mother
takes her to court.

It's a perfect Lifetime movie.
Maggie Smith can play the mother.

-Mom, come on.
-You didn't think this through, kid.

No, I did think this through.
I am not a kid. This was not a whim.

Last night I outlined
the first five chapters just like that.

-That's a sign.
-What sign?

That this is it.
This is what I am supposed to do.

- No.

I'm sorry. I have to.

Without this, it's grad school
or groveling for jobs that I don't want.

Find another subject.

So I shouldn't do something
that could change my future

because you don't want Grandma
to know you left me in a bucket.

That's what this boils down to?

-More or less.
-But you did leave me in a bucket!

You know what?
Do whatever you want, Rory.

You're a big girl. I can't stop you.

No, that's not how you and I work.
We don't do passive-aggressive.

That's how you and your mother work.
You should be on my side.

I need this.
Can't you understand that?

I understand.
I always understand.

For the last 32 years,
I have been the queen of understanding.

Mom, stop.
Please, give me this.

I can't. Not this time.

Tell Grandma
that I will check in on her later.

So much for the happy news!

-Hey.
-Hey. How did it go today?

We're hoping number six
will be the charm.

-What?
-Ugh, no coffee?

- No, these people are leaving.

-They're not having coffee.
-I want coffee.

You'll make a pot and drink a cup.
It's a waste.

-I'll drink the whole pot.
-You're not gonna do that.

So, I'll get a doggy bag
and take the leftover coffee home.

-What's the problem?
-I'm just saying--

-Is the world out of coffee?
-No.

Is Colombia pissed
over Narcos and holding out?

Fine.

How much longer
are you gonna be like this?

-What?
-You've been grumpy.

-No, I haven't.
-Yes, you have.

-Can we talk at home?
-This is home.

Come on.
I'm just trying to work here.

Why didn't you tell me you looked
for franchise locations?

Is that something someone hides?

I was caught out today.
I don't like that.

-Oh, you don't like being caught out?
-Yes.

Why didn't you tell me
you weren't going to therapy anymore?

-I don't know.
-Why'd you hide it?

-I don't know.
-She hasn't been going for a while.

-That's what she said.
-Yes.

So where have you been?
If you guys aren't doing therapy,

where are you on those days
you say you're in therapy?

-I was still going.
-You're still going.

-By myself.
-Oh, okay. Yeah.

-You don't believe me?
-I believe you.

-Uh, Luke.
-I don't know, okay? I don't know.

- Where do you think I was?

Having a hot affair
at 10:30 every Tuesday morning?

That's early for a nooner.

Let's see. Who could it be with?
Uh, maybe the morning food delivery guy?

Or Lou, the guy who wears a wool cap
even in summer?

I don't know who that is.
I don't know anything.

I'm not having an affair.

Of course not.
You're going to therapy by yourself.

I mean, your mother dragged you into it,

but then you fell in love with it
and you threw her out.

Makes perfect sense.
Can I get you anything else?

-I'd actually like a little coffee.
-Oh, for the love of...

-You don't believe me?
-I don't know what to believe.

You want to call my mother
and have her confirm the story?

No! I don't want to call your mother.

I don't call your mother.

-You know, we struck a deal.
-What deal?

You've got your life,
and I've got mine.

You keep your crazy family away from me
and I'll keep mine away from you!

Really? That's the way it is?

That's how two people
who are partners are supposed to be?

What the hell is this?
What is going on here?

Why is everything so separate with us?

How the hell would I know?
You set it up.

-What?
-Yeah.

Our lives were set up by you.
I just went along with it.

How the hell did that happen?

I don't know. Ask your therapist!

My therapist is understudying the lead
in the moronic musical!

I'm done with my therapist.

You set it up,
and I went along, and that's how it works.

Now we're in the middle
of my diner, arguing,

and everybody's going outside
with their food and drinks.

-Where are you going?
-Where?

I've got muffins in the oven
at the inn for tomorrow

because Sandra Lee canceled
because she talked to Ina Garten,

who said, "Don't go to the Dragonfly Inn.
It's awful!"

Sandra's had a tough couple of years.
She doesn't need to be embarrassed by you!

It's on the house tonight.
Go! Go!

She was unbelievable.

Right out of left field,
crazy Lorelai face appears.

I've seen it before,

but only when somebody
cuts off her car or at a shoe sale.

I saw it when Marla Tipton's mom
called you illegitimate.

She winged those brownie bites
at her with scary accuracy.

A book.
She totally freaked out over a book.

-So weird.
-She knows I'm a writer.

She knows everything is fodder.
Write what you know.

-You know what I know.
-Lorelai?

Lorelai, yes. And me. And our life.
I know that crap like the back of my hand.

- She just wouldn't listen.

- Hello?

-What?
-I just called Logan.

-What? Why?
-I don't know.

It just happened.
Like a reflex.

Oh, my God. This is what I do.
I get upset and I call Logan.

Well, what I used to do,
because now she might answer.

- She answers his cell?

-Hello? Rory?
-Crap! I did it again.

- Are you kidding?
- No.

Dial 911. I'm going insane.

This is who I am now?

That person you knew in your youth,
who was smart and together,

she's been chewed up and spit out.
You'll never see her again--

--What is going on?

-Ah! Damn it!
-Oh. Look, okay, you need to relax.

-You want a Lipitor? Zach got some.
-No, I don't need it.

I need to be 20 again.

You should have seen us yesterday.
It was so awful.

We were just in the middle
of a cemetery, yelling at each other.

There were mourners all around us.

Well, their day wasn't so fun anyway.

-What am I gonna do?
-Well, she'll calm down.

She looked at me
the way she looks at Grandma.

- That hurt.
- And, I mean...

I don't know what I was thinking.

I mean, of course she wouldn't
want me to write about us.

I just... I couldn't acknowledge
it because I want to do this so badly.

-I'm exhausted.
-Hey.

-Yeah?
-Am I in this book?

- Oh, don't start.

- Of course.
- No, I got it.

-No, Lane.
-Hey, stop calling.

What? She's calling me.

It's a reflex and we're gonna kick it.

We've got Lipitor,
so you won't hear from her again.

Just put her on the phone.

- No.
- Give me the phone.

-No. I'm protecting you for some reason.
-It's okay.

Okay.

-Hey.
-What is going on?

Nothing. Bad day.

Yeah, I heard about
the cholesterol problem.

--Come on, Ace.

You called me a bunch today
and four times last night.

You hung up every time.
What is it?

Nothing.
I had a thing with my mom.

Well, talk to me. I'm here.

I was just upset at her
and I was needing to vent,

and I realized I can't call you anymore.

- Why?

- Logan!
- I gotta take this outside.

Because she's there.

Rory...

She's there.

- Yeah.
- That's why.

So, I guess we should say goodbye.

-If that's what you want.
-Don't make this my thing.

-Sorry.
-So that's it?

We're breaking up.

Except we can't break up...
because we're nothing.

- God.
- This adult stuff is hard, isn't it?

I wonder if the Thirtysomething Gang
goes through crap like this.

Lorelai, it's Taylor.

You're probably not interested
in the musical anymore,

but out of politeness,
I'm letting you know

that Nat Compton and I
went on retreat to Cape Cod last weekend,

and we've come up with a new song.

I'm inviting everyone
on the advisory committee

to come by Miss Patty's tonight
and give it a listen.

But please, please...
leave the 'tude at home.

♪ I know how everyone else's life ♪

♪ Is supposed to fly by ♪

♪ Then someone turns and says ♪

♪ What about you? ♪

♪ And I stand here ♪

♪ Mouth open ♪

♪ Mind blank ♪

♪ This should have all worked itself out ♪

♪ By now ♪

♪ The map of my life
Should be clear and precise ♪

♪ With little red dashes ♪

♪ And circles so nice
Showing roadblocks ♪

♪ And land mines ♪

♪ Oh, I am not unbreakable ♪

♪ I am breaking right now ♪

♪ Maybe everyone can't have the dream ♪

♪ Maybe everyone can't kiss the frog ♪

♪ Maybe it'll be me and a dog ♪

♪ And the little stuffed dolphins
On the floor ♪

♪ And a little dog door ♪

♪ Oh, I am not unbreakable ♪

♪ I am breaking right now ♪

♪ I need to be unbreakable ♪

♪ Somehow ♪

♪ It's never ♪

♪ Or now ♪

-This is a cut.
-What a bore.

- Luke?
- In here!

This shelf is driving me crazy.
It wobbles.

I'm just trying to shore it up.

Right, good.

Um...

We need to talk.

I'm kind of in the middle of this thing.

I have to tell you something.

Okay, tell me.

I'm going away.

You're going away?

And I might be gone for a while.

-What's a while?
-A few weeks.

-A few weeks?
-Maybe longer.

Lorelai, what is this?

I'm gonna do Wild.

-What?
-Wild.

-I don't... You mean the movie?
-The book.

What's the difference?

The movie took liberties.
The book's pure. I'm gonna do the book.

But what does that mean,
you're doing Wild?

-I'm going to go to the place.
-The Pacific Crest Trail?

And I'm gonna walk it.

-Or hike it.
-Sure, let's go with that.

-That trail's 2,000 miles long.
-I won't do it all.

-And it's a trail.
-I know.

-It's outdoors. It's in nature.
-I know.

There's dirt, bugs, animals.

-I know.
-Mosquitos, rivers.

-I know.
-You have to carry your own backpack.

-By yourself.
-I know.

-You can't take Dewey and Brandon.
-Their mothers wouldn't let me.

-You have to sleep on the ground.
-I know.

-You cook your food.
-I know.

-You boil your own water.
-I know.

-You get water from a stream.
-I know.

-That's in nature.
-I know.

Well, I guess you know what's out there.

And you're still gonna go?

Yeah.

Why?

Because it's never...

or now.