Gilmore Girls: A Year in the Life (2016): Season 1, Episode 2 - Spring - full transcript

I would like to say that...

I was wrong.

And...

I'm very, very sorry.

About what?

-What do you got?
-Oh, good grief.

What? Mom!

It was a blanket apology.
I think that's very generous.

Plus, it's retroactive.
So, enjoy.

A blanket apology.
Claudia, is that even allowed?

Everything is allowed here.



Feel free to apologize,
scream, cry, complain, argue.

Anything short of physical confrontation.

-There goes my next thing.
-Did I not tell you?

You've brought the room to a halt.

Like it was
a Penn and Teller show before?

Oh, that mouth.

You were the one complaining
that I wasn't saying anything.

Without my mouth, how do I speak?

To quote Alanis Morissette,
"Isn't it ironic?"

Do you know what that means?

Claudia, let the record show,
I broke the silence here today, okay?

She wasn't saying anything either.
Write that down in your scorebook.

I am not keeping score.

But the apology was insincere.
Put that in your scorebook, too.



-She should not get points for that.
-I'm not keeping score.

It's insulting to apologize
unless it's for something specific, okay?

- Okay, sorry. I'm sorry.

Sorry.
How do I get out of this?

Lorelai, listen to me.

We are here today
so that Claudia can meet you

and see the two of us together.
That's it.

- Stop pressing.
- Okay.

How much time do we have left?

About 40 minutes.

Psst.

- How much time do we have--
- Stop asking that!

Why, did I bring the deafening silence
to a halt again?

Bring a watch next time, or an egg timer.
Just stop bothering her.

Can I, uh, jump in here?

-Please.
-You're not prisoners.

Neither one of you.
And there are no rules.

So talk or don't talk.

Because there's a lot being said
in the silences.

-What is being said?
-Is that what you're writing?

-Will we see those notes?
-Who's winning?

No one's winning,
and my book is confidential.

If you're trying to read Claudia's watch,
I'm gonna throw you out that window.

-Well, ladies, I'm afraid time's up.
-Yes!

- I don't believe it.
- What?

-You ran out the clock.
-So did you.

Today was for you to speak, not me.

I spoke. You gave me credit, right?

That's not what I'm doing here.

We'll just have to start over next week.

-We're on for Tuesday at 10:30.
-I can't make it.

-You have something more important to do?
-Just my life, Mom.

I'm sorry. I didn't wanna burden you
with this, but I guess I have to.

-Oh, boy.
-Your mother is in pain.

A widow in pain.

-That's a good place to stop.
-That's a terrible place to stop.

She doesn't get to go out like that,
with the bazookas blasting.

I have somebody waiting.

So this is an intrusion.
Is that what you think?

-My big bazookas are intruding on you?
-Mom...

Doesn't it mean anything to you,
that I am this raw nerve

appealing to my only child
to help me through this period?

So... 10:30.

10:30.

Well, she used that maneuver.
Write that down.

Let's start with Swedish meatballs,
then some Peruvian salchipapas

and then Indonesian rice porridge.

Head straight
for the Norwegian stomach pump.

It all looks good.
Shoot. I have to leave in a half hour.

You can't leave.
I have to leave in half an hour.

-I have a plane to catch.
-I gotta get back to the diner.

-Who's gonna stay with her?
-Am I four?

I can watch her if you need to go,

but you need to be back
in less than 45 minutes to relieve me.

I have been successfully eating by myself
for five or six years now.

Gypsy's over there. She can watch me.

-Oh, yeah.
-That'll work.

-Oh, hey, guys. How's it going?
-It's a disaster.

-Some of our cuisines didn't show up.
-You got a good turnout.

We advertised
an international food festival,

all 195 countries represented.

And a paltry 15 showed up.
Kirk, what happened?

Well, Guam had a last-minute
parent-teacher conference,

Kazakhstan had car trouble--

I told Kazakhstan to get a ride
with Poland if that happened.

Oh, does no one listen?

Bangladesh's kid has an earache,
Chad has acid reflux,

Brazil's niece has a soccer game,

Turks and Caicos got foot fungus,
and Singapore is just being a dick.

Other than that,
127 countries never got back to me.

People are going to have to expand
on the cuisines they're offering.

Grab your flags.
I'm calling an audible.

Israel, grab some yams and crayfish.
You're also Papua New Guinea.

Italy, add Slovenia, Tibet,
and the islands of Kiribati.

Let's hustle, people.

-I'm gonna hang out in Korea.
-I'm gonna get a cup of Kofi Annan.

-That's a little international humor.
-Very little. See ya.

-Ooh, this looks good. What's this?
-That's the compost heap.

- Oh.

I'm really hungry.

-How's things in the Koreas?
-Oh, and Guam and Bulgaria? Great.

Move, move, move.

Stop. Line up.

-Oh, hello, Rory.
-Hello, Mrs. Kim.

Uh, this is Mama's new choir.

Fresh off the boat.
I'm getting them ready for the circuit.

Now, sing.

-They sound good, Mama.
-Please, they suck eggs.

-Language, Mama!
-No, I mean all they do is eat.

Eggs, bread, fruit.
The toilet paper they go through.

I don't want to know what they do with it.

- Sing out, Louise Pang!

Um... Hello?

Rory? Sandee Martin from SandeeSays.
You get the basket?

I did. Hi, Sandee.

Those muffins? The raspberry?
Don't you want to make love to them?

Multiple times, yes.

When am I getting you to join my team?

That's so flattering.
I don't think--

No! This thing we've got here,
it doesn't end till I hear a yes.

I'm just kinda busy now.

Of course you're busy.
You're Rory Gilmore.

But I've got plans to overtake
Huffington Post in a year,

and I need your voice
at SandeeSays to do that.

Sandee, thank you.
The site is really great.

I just don't think
I can devote the time right now.

-I'm on my way to London--
-We'll pause. Talk to you soon.

- Bye.

Small plates, high prices.
That's just the way I roll, pal.

Gypsy, whip up a quick poutine.
You're taking over Canada.

Whip up a what?

So we have $27 bid
on Cassie's beautiful basket.

Do I hear a $28?

-Hey, let's bid.
-Why?

Basket bidding was part
of our early romance.

Why would I want Cassie's basket?

-Dirty.
-Dirty. I know.

-$28!
-She doesn't want you eating her basket.

I'm gonna stop talking now.

We have a bid of $28.
Do I hear $29?

-$29!
-You're bidding against yourself.

It's for a good cause.
$30!

Okay. The tambourine is scaring them.

They'll get used to it.
Just like electricity at night.

-Your mother is a woman of vision.
-Always.

-Oh, hey, my dad's here.
-Oh, hi, Mr. Kim.

-Jackson.
-Hey, Lorelai.

- Hey.

-No Sookie?
-Oh, she wanted to come,

but something started sprouting
from the steps to the backyard.

She wanted to see if it was edible.
I'm not kidding.

Jackson,
you're the Virgin Islands and Qatar.

Burundi, I need to talk to you!

-Do I want to know what that was about?
-I'd stay out of it.

Okay. It's probably best.

-What's the big deal?
-What's the big deal?

-Do you not have eyes?
-Kirk, calm down. What is the problem?

-This man is the problem.
-It's a classic Vietnamese dish.

-It's pig genocide and nothing less.
-It's delicious.

-Do you wanna take this inside?
-What does that mean?

We're outside, sir,
so we can only take this inside.

Calm down, Kirk.
Come on, man.

It... it's not Phan's fault.
A pig is food.

Et tu, Luke?

But I saw you inhale a BLT
at the diner yesterday.

-Yeah.
-A BLT is lettuce, tomato, and...

-I'm a monster.
-Sorry, Kirk.

Oh, God.
Oh, God.

Mmm.

Mmm.

I know I'm not the one
you wanted eating your basket, Cassie,

but this is really good.

Red and rashy.
All over my chin, all down my neck.

You can't see it 'cause of the makeup.
It's this weather.

Oh, one more, love.

-Are you good?
-This is just water.

It's like winter is Hitler
and my skin is Poland.

Come April, my face is
like one of Shakespeare's first folios.

-You don't have these problems, do you?
-I'm lucky.

Oh, your cheeks are like two white apples.

Look at her cheeks.

Tell me you don't want to take
a bite out of those cheeks.

- I do.
- Okay. So, uh, Naomi.

-Yes.
-I was thinking

maybe we could talk
about the theme of the book.

That would be me.
I mean, I'm the theme, right?

For sure.
But there are many ways to approach you.

I'm not approachable.
Oh, it's my mother's fault.

I hate my mother. Oh!

Don't write that.

-Don't write that.
-But I'm a writer.

Sweetie, you want facts.
Facts are what you want.

Well, facts are dull.

-Oh, thank you.
-Well, not so much in a biography.

Oh. Well, let's not do that.
A biography.

Let's do something fresh.

Like, uh...

-Let's make it a children's book.
-A children's book?

It could deal in archetypes.

A whale and a rabbit.
One of them can represent me.

Are you the whale or the rabbit?

Mmm. I don't know.
Thoughts?

Here's one. Uh, why don't we just focus
on your story for now,

and we'll talk about
the whale and the rabbit later?

Darling Boswell,
I do so want to be in sync with you.

Oh. No, we are in sync. I swear.
I... I really believe that.

Aren't these glasses gorgeous?

They won't tell me where they
get them from. They're proprietary.

God, I hate England.
I'm voting for Brexit.

It's just a protest vote.
It'll never win.

-A whale and a rabbit.
-It's not funny.

-It's pretty funny.
-And she kept coming back to it,

comparing the archetypes to characters
in a play by Aeschylus.

You haven't lived until you've heard
a tipsy Brit pronounce Aeschylus.

Aeschylus is hard
even when you're not tipsy.

It was like her lips were falling off.

Try convincing her that Willy Loman
is not one of the characters in Aeschylus.

-Oh, well, I'm learning so much here.
-She had five martinis. Five.

She got there before I did.
I don't know what she had before.

I've read about this woman.
It all aligns.

I did, too. Her decades
of breaking barriers and empowering women.

Her drunken, naked tirade
through glassware at Harrods.

Halfway through her third martini,
she asked to lick my juicy apple cheeks.

Ooh, do I want to know what that means?

-My brain is fried.
-Let's talk about something else.

Oh, Condé Nast. Just got the message.
Pushed again.

-You're kidding.
-I know I'm not their highest priority,

but Condé Nast asked for this meeting.
Months ago. This came from them.

Condé Nast?
Procrastinators supreme. May I?

Help yourself.

How you doing, Rory?
Long time, no see.

It's been a very long time.

I didn't know you two were still in touch.

Rory was passing through town on a job,
and I begged her to have lunch.

Hmm. Nothing better to do?

He did beg.

What about Condé Nast?
Are they dicking you around?

No. Just... lots of postponements.

-You want me to make a call?
-To Condé Nast?

I can set a meeting, make it stick.
It's no problem.

No, that's okay.
Thank you, Mr. Huntzberger.

What brings you into town?

She's working on a book proposal.
Co-writing with Naomi Shropshire.

Naomi Shropshire?
Have some hangover medicine ready.

--She's a character.

-But that's what makes her unique.
-Ah, I gotta go.

Um, hey, the party next week
for your uncle...

-Is Odette coming?
-She will be there.

Gets engaged to a girl who lives
in another country. Smart girl.

--And Condé Nast? The offer stands.

You're very nice. Thank you.

I believe that's the first time
anyone's said that to me.

I mean, someone...

not sticking a shiv in my back.

See ya.

-How did this happen?
-It's okay.

-He's seen us.
-As far as he knows, we're just friends.

Of all the millions of restaurants,
he walks in here?

What?

-Eh, this is one of the family holdings.
-'Course it is.

Why do you think I sprung
for the $300 bottle of wine?

All the town fire hydrants
will remain red in color

until the county rules
on our request to customize them

based on each corner's
individual aesthetic.

Now, as some of you will recall,
two months ago I announced

that we will be holding the first annual
Stars Hollow Gay Pride Parade.

2016 was the perfect year to hold it

because it coincided
with an important date.

The 70th birthday
of one Miss Liza Minnelli.

That's Liza with a "Z."

-We know how to spell, Taylor.
-He's always been condescending.

But I have to inform you
that after exhaustive research

and an informal census,
we made a surprising discovery.

There just aren't enough gays
in Stars Hollow.

-How is that possible?
-We have such cute houses.

And antique shops.

We asked for volunteers to come forward.
So far the list is miniscule.

We have Donald...

-Hi, everybody.
-Donald's a pro.

who will be marching
with his chow chow, Sherlock.

-Sherlock's gay?
-No, he's just my dog.

Adele and Lois have signed up.

-Adele and Lois are a couple?
-Shh.

Astonishingly, that's it.

I have contacted some of the mayors
of neighboring towns,

to see if they would lend us
some of their gays,

but, uh, so far not a one has cooperated.

-Ingrates.
-Is this really happening?

We lent them our riding mowers one year.
Why can't they lend us their gays?

Tell that to Hank from Woodbury.

Donald, ask your cute friend Cliff
to march with you.

-Cliff would do it.
-Cliff is straight.

Get outta here.

-Donald's gay?
-Shh.

-But I'm confused.
-So we're just stuck, people. Stuck.

-Taylor, question.
-Yes, Gypsy?

Are you sure there isn't anybody
you're leaving out?

Anyone else who could march in this thing?

Anyone at all?

-Nope.
-Well, there you go.

So, with apologies to Miss Liza Minnelli,

we'll table the parade for now
and see what we come up with next year.

Sorry, Donald.

Oh, Cliff and I are going kayaking
that day anyway.

Now, on to our last order of business...

Uh, Lorelai,
maybe you can pay attention here.

-This concerns you.
-You've got my full attention.

I believe that bag of profiteroles has
at least part of your attention.

Well, develop a creamy filling,
and I'm all yours.

Now, as many of you know,

a big Hollywood movie is being filmed
in our neighboring town of Woodbury.

I lobbied to have the movie shot here
in Stars Hollow, but Woodbury won out.

-Good.
-No, bad.

Because all the big-name stars
of the movie are staying in Woodbury,

but my little birds are telling me
that a bunch of B-level actors

are staying at the Dragonfly.

--What?

Yeah, so?

We can't have Stars Hollow known
as a place that welcomes B-level actors.

Who's staying at the Dragonfly, Taylor?

-Guys, this is private information.
-Xander Sackovich.

- He's there.
- Who?

-Exactly.
-How did you get my guest list?

-Dexter Schmid.
-Now you're making that up.

-He's on the list.
-Who are your little birds?

"Lydia Papadokolis,
Tara Grabowski."

What does it matter
who's staying at Lorelai's place?

And how is that any of your business?

If you must know,
our tax base is receding. Alarmingly.

And it's the tax base
that pays for gazebo upkeep,

street sweeping, twinkle lights.

If we want to remain
a world-class tourist destination,

we cannot lower our standards.

These are paying guests.
Who cares what they've done?

I brought up a couple
of their credits on my phone.

Sackovich did Law And Order.

That's not very impressive.

Yeah, who hasn't done the mother lode?

Tara Grabowski did an independent movie
and a two-episode arc on Blue Bloods.

Bit of a stretch.

You can't call two episodes an arc.
That's misleading.

And are these washouts
spending money around town?

Adding to the tax base?
I'm not seeing that.

-They're probably studying their lines.
-And having sex. They have a lot of sex.

My little birds are telling me

that the A-listers are throwing money
around Woodbury like there's no tomorrow.

Matthew McConaughey buys
three newspapers a day.

I like that about him.

Jessica Chastain bought a full bag
of assorted toiletries

and two sun dresses.
Money in the bank.

Taylor, you want a surefire way
to bring in cash, open a bar.

And keep it open late.

- It'd be a windfall.

We'll open a bar over my dead body.

Well then, why don't you
just start taxing the Secret Bar?

-The what?
-Nothing.

All right. It's getting late, people.
Let's adjourn.

Lorelai, at least find out
if any of your B-listers are gay

and if they're willing
to march in a parade?

No, Taylor.

I'm an island.

-Where have you been?
-At a meeting with the accountant.

Oh, that's great.
I'm sprinting around like a madman,

keeping this tiny place running,
and you're off whooping it up.

Whooping it up?
I barely kept my eyes open.

Hold on. These are heavy.

Excuse me.

I know you're disappointed
that we have no exercise equipment,

so I ran home and I brought you
some of my own personal dumbbells.

They're pretty small.
I'm used to working with big dumbbells.

Yes. So am I.

-Excuse me. Lorelai!
-Ah. What?

Have you looked these people up?
They are B-level.

-No. Not this again.
-And the one with the skateboard?

He doesn't ride it.
He just carries it around.

I'm not listening to you.

The girls all stand at the mirror,

looking at themselves
like they're God's gift,

making it impossible for me to stand
at the mirror and look at myself.

-Enough.
-And the boys

stare at their phones
with their mouths open.

They never close them.

They all have stupid
ventriloquist dummy mouths!

And what is the mother lode?

They keep telling stories
about the mother lode.

Hey, what is the matter with you?
You've been spitting nails all week.

Are you aware that the A-listers
in this movie are all staying in Woodbury?

-Painfully.
-At the Cheshire Cat. The Cheshire Cat.

With their watery orange juice,
scratchy towels

and really stinky croissants.

-Yes, we're better than the Cheshire Cat.
-We are better, but they have suites.

Big, comfy suites
with soaking tubs and mini-fridges.

-We hate mini-fridges.
-Of course we do.

But Jack Black wants a mini-fridge.
Cate Blanchett wants a mini-fridge.

It's Dexter Schmid and Lydia Papadokolis

who compromise their standards and stay
in our tiny rooms without mini-fridges.

Our rooms are beautiful.

But no Nespresso machines.

Daniel Radcliffe likes his ristretto
in the morning

and his half-decaffeinato in the evening,

while he reads the papers
he borrowed from Matthew McConaughey.

How do you know all this?

-We don't have a spa or a gym.
-We don't have the space.

These people care about their pecs
and their glutes.

They work them out. Then they want them
oiled, rubbed and scraped.

Then they like to sit in their suites
and soak in their tub

and have juice
that they kept cold in their mini-fridge.

We've peaked!
Let's face it, we've peaked.

-Michel...
-It's all downhill from here.

Our destinies are set,

and Jennifer Lawrence
is never, ever going to stay here.

And what's the point of living if we are
never going to bag Jennifer Lawrence?

Liz... Liz, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Slow down.

This is a lot to digest.

Say that again? Uh-huh.

-You ready?
-Hit me.

-My sister's joined a cult.
-Which one?

I'm trying to figure that out.
Liz?

Oh, hi, T.J.
Yeah, what is the cult?

Uh-huh, I see.

No, no, no, it makes perfect sense.
It's a vegetable cult.

-Ah. One of those.
-They joined it by accident.

How do you accidentally join a cult?

-It's Liz and T.J.
-Grab some wine.

Yeah, all right.
Talk to my brother-in-law.

Hi, T.J.
Oh, hi, Liz. It's Lorelai.

How do you accidentally join a cult?

Uh-huh. I see.

Oh, that makes perfect sense.

They signed up for a co-op
that has great vegetables,

filled out the paperwork, signed it,

and it turned out to be a cult
that grows vegetables.

-They can't get out of it?
-You can't get out of it?

Got it.
Not for six million years.

At least there's a cut-off date.
Here.

Liz? Oh, hi, T.J.
Listen, can I call you back?

I don't know, sometime before
the six million years is up?

Will that work?

Great. Bye.

Those vegetables better be
fresh and crunchy.

-I don't want to talk about it.
-Then let's not...

Here, sit. Sit.

Got chicken scaloppini for you,
linguine with meatballs for me...

and a hanger steak for Paul Anka.

-Hey, how was work?
-Crazy. By which I mean, Michel is crazy.

- Ah, what else is new?
- He's been on edge lately.

-He says we've peaked.
-How have you peaked?

The place has been booked solid
since you opened.

But it's so small. Just ten rooms

and no suites, no mini-fridge
and no room to grow.

-You don't need to grow.
-Tell him.

Why does everything need to grow?
If something's good, keep it the same.

-Yeah, but I kinda get what he's saying--
-No, you don't need more.

Okay.

Listen...
I don't mean to be so firm about this,

but don't let a guy like Michel get
in your head, okay?

He's been complaining for 20 years.
Let him complain.

-I know.
-You want me to talk to him?

The last time you talked to him,
he spent an hour crying.

- Well, something good came out of it.

-Hey, check on Paul Anka.
-I'm on it.

Gotta go out, poochy?

Clearly.

You all set, bud?

All set. Squirrel!

-You hungry, bud?
-When am I not?

Then I fell back to sleep

and the real Paul Anka serenaded me
with a medley of lullabies.

-That's very sweet of him.
-I know.

I feel weirdly bonded
with the real Paul Anka over this.

It's my third dream about him this year.
What does that mean?

Good thing
we didn't name him Mickey Rourke.

Hey, have you ever heard of Dexter Schmid?

-Is that a band?
-No, an actor.

Don't think so.

-Tawny Shaverkian?
-Nope.

-Lynix Hatlestad?
-Who are these people?

Actors staying at the inn.

-Kind of B-level.
-That's mean.

That's what everyone's calling them.
They bought out the whole inn.

-That's good.
-Yeah.

But we should've bagged
Jennifer Lawrence, right?

Why Jennifer Lawrence?

'Cause that's who you try to bag.
She's the goods.

"She's the goods"?
What is that, hotel lingo?

-The ones who are here are B-level kids--
-Call them something else.

These younger, less-credited thespians,

they all use their original names.
No one changes them anymore.

-What's with that?
-They like them.

Tawny Shaverkian likes her name?

-It's not bad.
-My generation,

we got Natalie Portman,
not Natalie Hershlag.

Someone's been on Google...

We got Joaquin Phoenix,
not Joaquin Bottom.

-Oh, you're making that up.
-No.

Who wants to see Virginia McMath
dance with Frederick Austerlitz?

-Is that Ginger and Fred?
-Yeah.

You sound very worked up.
Are you okay?

Michel's leaving.

-No, he's not.
-Well, he's getting restless.

Well, that's just Michel.

Play him some Skrillex.
That always calms him.

The Dragonfly was a dream
Sookie and I had.

It was a pals' place.

And then she left, which sucked,
but I still had Michel.

And Michel...
He's for me what Paris is for you.

-Your angry friend.
-My angry friend.

-He's not leaving.
-How much longer are you there?

Not much longer. I'll see you soon.

Didi's not sick of you yet?

-Didi?
-British Didi?

Oh, no. Um...

Not sick yet. I do the dishes.

Oh, for Didi you do the dishes.

-I have to go.
-Thanks for letting me bend your ear.

-Michel's not leaving.
-Bye.

Oh, you'd look good in a suit.
Yes, you would.

Well, I just wanna say...

-I'm sorr--
-Do not do that again.

You ever think
about putting in a salad bar?

- What a day!

-What a beautiful day!
-He did not sound like that!

Yes, we called him
Trombone Stan. He did!

- I never called him that.
- Hello, Lorelai.

-How've your grades been?
-Stop.

Fine.
Pretty good, Stan.

Pretty good's enough

- for Trombone Stan.
- Really, stop! Stop!

So that's it?
Trombone Stan and you're out?

Not unless you want some Timpani Tom.

-Are you hearing this?
-Timpani Tom.

And you have nothing else to say?
No outstanding issues?

Nope. I'm all good. You?

As a matter of fact,
I do have a few outstanding issues.

Poked the bear.
Poked the bear.

A girl gets pregnant at 16

and takes off without leaving
so much as a forwarding address.

-Oh, my God. Hornet's nest.
-Excuse me?

Mom, are we really gonna go back
over this ancient history again?

-We've moved so far past this.
-Well, clearly I haven't.

But that was eons ago,
and we've had so much contact since then,

and you got Rory back in your life.
Why? Why are we doing this?

You asked if I had issues,
and I have issues.

Really, a salad bar, a Color Me Mine.

Here's another one.
After years of absence,

she deigns to come back into our lives
when she needs money.

For Rory. It was for my daughter.
And it was a loan.

Ancient history.
Issue resolved.

She's hidden just about every relationship
she's ever had from me.

Yes. Yes, that has been my habit.

She's smarted off
in front of other family

and in front of friends
too many times to count.

It takes her days to return phone calls.

I give her presents
and never see her using them.

I have specific tastes.

The maid once saw me napping,
and Lorelai told her I was bourboned up.

It was a joke.
It was a joke.

And never will I forgive her for that
heinous letter she sent on my birthday.

Whoa. What? What letter?

With the accusations, the profanity,
the abuse. The letter.

Uh, that wasn't me.

-Of course it was. Who else would it be?
-That definitely wasn't me.

I'm not Edith Wharton.
I don't write letters.

Well, that's absurd. I recall it clearly.

You're not,
'cause it never happened.

It was on my bed. I remember the envelope
and the color of the ink.

No. Unh-unh.
Look, I will cop to the other stuff, okay?

Embarrassing you in front of guests,
hiding my relationships...

But I won't admit to writing
some terrible letter on your birthday,

because it never happened.
It never happened.

-Well, I'm saying it did.
-Ladies, I'm afraid we have to stop.

-Mom, I did not write that letter.
-And I say you did.

Somebody's waiting. I'm sorry.

She's been holding onto this for years,
and it's not true.

It's not true.
Mom, it's not true.

-We'll talk about this next week.
-No, I...

You can't leave this room
thinking that I did that.

-I won't let you.
-Give me my purse.

-We're extending our time.
-I'm afraid that's impossible.

Fine! We'll...
we'll settle this next week!

-Ridiculous!
-Lorelai, my purse!

- Lorelai, I need my keys.

Naomi, you're saying
so many things at once. Slow down.

I'm British, Rory.
We speak fast. Catch up.

Winston Churchill didn't speak fast.

Why are you talking about that fat poof
when my whole life is falling apart?

You used to like my historical references.
She called Winston Churchill a fat poof.

What did he do
other than save the world?

Who are you talking to?

-No one.
-Were you listening before?

George is not returning my calls.

-He's not following my tweets.
-I thought your boyfriend was Colin.

Oh, for the love of God.
That was weeks ago.

You Americans really don't listen.

-No, I listen--
-I am on a ledge here.

- Uh, wait, are you literally on a ledge?
- What?

You see, I don't think
you have the humor to do this book.

You don't get nuance.

No, I get nuance.

And you flat out dismissed
my whale and mouse story.

No, I didn't.

-And it was a rabbit, not a mouse.
-No.

It was a mouse.

-A rabbit.
-A mouse.

It was a rabbit.

It's the gentile Fiddler On The Roof.

Okay. You're right. It was a mouse.
And you're the mouse.

No. No, darling. No.

I'm the whale.
Why in God's name would I be a mouse?

-I must be mistaken.
-I can't possibly sit with you today.

Okay, can we talk tomorrow?

You say that
as if there is a tomorrow.

The suspense is killing me.
Is she the mouse or the whale?

It doesn't matter.

Next time she'll be a mongoose,
a pangolin or a fruit.

It'll be my fault for not remembering.

--What did you think?

SandeeSays?

Layout's pretty good.
Design catches your eye.

And attacks it with pretty, pretty colors.

It's an interesting mix of sweet and sour.

Gets a little catty and gossipy.
But not that I don't like gossip.

How many steps down is it
from the New Yorker, or GQ,

or Huffington or Bazooka Comics?

A few below the first three.

But I love that they want you.

Could mean they're looking
to class the joint up a bit.

-I gotta get going.
-Mmm, but you're my pillow.

Sorry.

-What time is your flight tomorrow?
-Threeish.

But, hey, I was thinking,

I don't have to head back
to the States so soon.

-Yeah?
-Yeah, there's nothing pressing.

- I could hang a couple more days.

Are you leaving town?

-Someone's coming to town?
-Kind of.

-Odette.
-Kind of.

Right, so I guess I'll go.

Ivy tonight?

-Our traditional farewell meal.
-I'll send the car at 8:00.

Eight is great.

- What is this movie?
- It's a weird one.

Kind of scary.
You'll have to hold me.

Oh, I can live with that.

Hi, guys.

-Hi, Lulu.
-Hey, Lulu.

So do you guys want
the love couch tonight?

The love couch?
Definitely.

Kirk and I have had
some crazy good times on this thing.

- Too late.
- Oops.

Have fun.

Welcome, everyone, to the spring season

of the Black, White and Read
Movie Theater.

I am pleased to present
tonight's feature film, Eraserhead.

Now before we start,

the management of the theater is aware
that some of you

have snuck food into the theater.

You should know that consuming food
purchased outside of the premises

- is strictly prohibited.
- Got it.

- Would it be possible to be more discreet?
- No problem.

We got some extra link sausages
if anybody wants some.

Babette, did you hear what I said
about food purchased outside?

I didn't purchase this.
I brought it from home.

- Yeah, chill out, man.
- Hey. Hey, Kirk.

What is it, Pete?
Talk to me.

I've seen Eraserhead,
like, 27 times.

-Twenty-two times for us.
-It was our make-out movie.

-Luke, how many times have you seen it?
-Oh, hundreds.

It makes your head
leave your body, doesn't it?

Yeah, my head and I
take off and float around and...

look at the stars,
and take a left on Peach Street...

-Get me out of this.
-Fries?

- Mmm.
- Yeah.

Okay. Now people,
I have a surprise for you.

Twelve years ago, I completed
my first short film, I Love Your Daughter.

It premiered at
the Lake Chappapaqua Film Festival,

where it won the coveted Good Try award.

Tonight, after years of labor,

I am happy to announce
that my second short is finally complete.

Roll it.

Gorgeous day, don't you think?

This pig is for reals.

-Hey. That's my car.
-That's our house.

Hey, that's me!

How did you not notice this?

Kirk.

It's an omen.

- Petal, no!

Poor Petal!

Petal. Come on, old buddy.

Why won't anybody help me?

Is the world so cold?

Geez. Come on, people.

Not mine.

-Not mine.
-Uh, Luke?

- What?

Oh, shoot.
Why is this ringing?

-Someone's calling.
-Nobody calls me at night.

Come on, Luke,
turn off your cell. It's distracting.

-That enough, baby?
-That ought to do it.

-Who do we know in the 8-6-0?
-My mother.

- My mother!
- Your mother?

-That's my mother.
-Why is she calling me?

-I don't know.
-She never calls me.

-Don't pick up.
-I'm not picking up.

Why is this ringing so much?

Because that's the same phone
Alexander Graham Bell yelled,

"Watson, come here. I want you," into.

- She left a message.

- Here.

-What? No.
-What? What?

-That's not happening.
-What?

She wants you to come over
for dinner next week.

-Me?
-Yes.

-Just me?
-Just you.

That's not happening.

She has an urgent matter
she needs to discuss with you.

-What is it?
-I don't know.

-How did she get my number?
-I don't know.

-Why?
-Why?

- Why?

We should probably paint that out.

-I guess I gotta go, right?
-You're not going.

It's your mother.
She'll hound me until I do.

-If you're going, I'm going.
-Yeah...

-Okay, how about you go and I don't go?
-Well, frankly, she asked for you.

Let's never go into battle together.

I know exactly how that pig feels.

Hey, was Michel in today?
Did I miss him?

It said on the schedule he's on vacation.
New York, I think.

Right. A lot of hotels in New York.

- Hmm.
- Thank you.

Hey, Rachael.

-Lorelai, hey!
-How's it going?

Oh, it's great.
I love this kitchen.

-Mmm.
-Sookie set it up so great.

Yeah, she's a pip.

You know, I got soup and sammies
for days in here.

-Try one. They're delish.
-Well, if they're delish...

You seem sad.

-Oh, he's gonna leave.
-Who?

Michel.
Have you met him yet?

Oh yeah.
I couldn't understand a word he said.

-That's him.
-So, he's gonna leave. Why?

Because it's not enough.
I get it. I've known him a long time.

-Mmm.
-I was a maid first at this other inn,

and I got promoted.

On my first day,
he was the only one who would tell me

I had a weird stain
on my Thompson Twins T-shirt and,

by the way, I shouldn't be
wearing a T-shirt

now that I'm working the front desk.

-And you understood all that?
-He always had my back.

Maybe you're reading this wrong.
Maybe he doesn't want to leave,

and you're making yourself crazy
for nothing.

That would be nice.

Life has a way of just sort of
working itself out.

Yeah, you're right.
I should just chill.

-Yeah.
-Thank you.

You're welcome. Anything else?

-Yeah, I have to let you go.
-What?

The pop-up's not working out.
No one's eating anything.

But they're not eating anything
out there

because they have to take
their clothes off for that movie tomorrow.

Sorry.

Okay, uh, I guess
I'll just clean up a little and I'll go.

Take your time.

Mmm, really good sammie.

Okay. This is the spot
to breathe deeply.

- You may not get another chance.

- Oh, God.
- What?

-What?
-I swallowed a bug.

-Oh. Well...
-It's lodged in there.

-Oh no. Well, okay. Let's do this.
-Okay. Let's do it.

- Okay.

Berta! Hi!
We've met.

-Hola, hello.
-Hello.

What are you doing here?

-We're here for dinner.
-But you weren't invited.

Mom, you left a message about dinner.
So here we are.

You weren't invited.
Hello, Luke.

Hello, Mrs. Gilmore.

You weren't invited.

Really, Mom,
work on your hosting skills a little.

Well, you're here now.

See? A warm welcome
makes all the difference.

Come in, I guess.
I wasn't expecting both of you.

-I sent three e-mails.
-I didn't get them.

-Well, I sent them.
-I don't understand e-mail.

What's this?

Berta's second cousins
are fixing my curtains.

So much talent.
Luke, you want a drink?

Yes, please.

- What's wrong with your throat?
- I swallowed a bug.

Why would you do that?

How about scotch?
Feels like a scotch night.

Coming up.

--Oh, now who's that?

- I'm not gonna make it.
- Luke, come on.

Remember your last name. Danes.
The Anglo-Saxon word for warrior.

It means that you're a fighter.
You're a conqueror!

No, it doesn't.
"Danes" means, like, valley, or something.

It's a farmer's name.
My ancestors raised sheep.

Well, they defended those sheep
with all they had.

Hail to the Danes,
brave soldiers of the sheep!

- Hey, kid!
- Hi, guys.

-She wasn't invited.
-Ah, this again?

Grandma, you forgot.
You said I could stay the night.

- I'm heading to Chilton in the morning.
- Your Chilton alumni event.

Of course. I forgot.
You can stay.

Jury's still out on me?

You said it. I didn't.

Hi, Grandpa.

Grandma, are my boxes still
in the guest room?

-Some. I gave a bunch of them to Berta.
-What?

I thought you said
you don't wear that stuff anymore.

Grandma, my lucky outfit could be
in one of those boxes.

Well, don't worry.
She keeps everything.

Just go through her closet.
She won't mind.

Thank you.

-Bring yours into the study.
-Okay.

Just me and Luke.

Protect those sheep.
Defend those sheep!

Sit.

-You ever been in here?
-Once. It's, uh, woody.

You can still smell Richard's cigars.
I like that smell.

It's a good smell.

Do you have a will?

-A will?
-A will. You need a will.

If you go first
and your affairs aren't in order,

it all comes crashing down
on my daughter's head. Do you want that?

-No.
-Do you know when you will die?

Not offhand.

Richard had an actuarial life table
for all the family members, including you.

A prediction of everybody's day of death.

It's remarkably accurate.

He included some close friends, too.

He nailed Stuart Carrington's death
within an hour.

He was so proud of that.

That's a great accomplishment.

-This is your file.
-I've got a file?

-You got some time left.
-Well, good.

You're to use this information
for your life insurance needs.

Again, you can't leave
my daughter high and dry.

I'll photocopy it for you,
and you can go from there.

-I'll... mark the date in my calendar.
-Good.

Now, next piece of business.

Richard left you a sum
of money in his will.

-You didn't know that.
-No.

The money's in a trust account,

to be used for a specific purpose
and for that purpose only.

Which is?

To expand and franchise Luke's Diner.

What?

He even refers to it
as the Luke's Diner Empire.

So that's it.

You're to use the money
to build an empire.

Uh--

I've already contacted the best commercial
real estate agent in Connecticut.

Ida Friedman. She's a real shark.

She eats real estate lawyers for lunch.

-You look stunned.
-Well, this is a lot to take in.

Luke, when are you going to get moving?

When are you going to embrace your future?

Tonight?

Good answer.

-Need a refresh?
-Mom, where's Luke?

-He was right behind me.
-I'm right here.

I need to check on dinner,
set some extra plates.

If you see Berta's sister Isabella,
ask her to fill the water glasses?

-Well?
-I'm starting an empire.

-What?
-That word was in there.

-Bold letters, all caps. "Empire."
-What are you talking about?

She wants me to franchise Luke's.

Actually, your father
wants me to franchise Luke's.

-What?
-Richard put money in a trust account.

I'm supposed to call Ida
and franchise the diner.

-I'm sweating through everything now.
-Not gonna happen.

-I've got a shark.
-Give me that.

- Not gonna happen. Trust me.

Say, I believe I recognize you
from my school days.

And I you.
Good to see you, old chum.

Ah, Chilton.

"I cannot remember the books I've read
any more than the meals I have eaten;

even so, they have made me."

-Oh, my God. Were we ever this young?
-Never.

Oh, hey, it's Mr. Sanders from AP Physics.
Hey, Mr. Sanders!

Oh, no.

What's up his ass?

There they are.
Two of our finest.

How are you, Rory?

Very well.
Good to see you, Headmaster Charleston.

Paris, you're looking well,
prosperous... happy?

How old is that drinking fountain?

I don't know.
Twenty years, maybe more.

A drinking fountain
contains more rotavirus than a toilet.

This is the first I've heard of it.

Chipped in $100,000
to the capital improvement plan.

Where are the capital improvements?

Your money was well spent, Paris,
and appreciated.

Come, come, we have some time.
Sit with me.

I could have coffee made if you want.

-Espresso? Cappuccino?
-I'm fine.

Nice machine, though.

-Real nice. May I ask--
-I paid for it myself, Paris.

That wasn't necessarily my question.

-Can I use your john?
-Uh, of course.

There is no one quite like Paris Geller.

-Agreed.
-So let's talk about you.

-Are you married?
-Not yet.

- Good, be picky.

-And where is home?
-Oh, here and there.

- A wayfarer.

I read your New Yorker piece.

I just stumbled on it one day.
Such a nice surprise.

I've gotten a lot of good feedback.

I've read of lot of your work.
Slate, the Atlantic.

I always enjoy it.

-Are things going well in your career?
-Well enough.

I'm sorry about your grandfather.

He was a friend. I miss him.

--Me, too.

--A lava stone counter.

-French, right?
-It was there before me, Paris.

-I believe you.
-Sorry, I have to take this.

-Oh, please don't.
-I'll be right back.

So, when was the last time someone
audited your books?

- Hey, you.
- Hey.

I had a moment. I thought I'd check in.
How's my little alumnus doing?

Great.
It's fun being back here, and weird.

-The headmaster says hi.
-No, he doesn't.

Aren't you supposed to be
in a therapy session with grandma?

-Yeah, but we took a break.
-You're not supposed to take a break.

The therapist wanted the break.

--Oh, gotta go. Bye, hon.

You smoke?

Uh, I just started again.

Who was that? Luke?

No, it was Rory.
She's doing her Chilton day.

We were just talking about Luke.

-You and Claudia?
-He's your guy, right?

- Yeah, he's my guy.

-What?
-I said nothing.

-You said plenty.
-I didn't say anything.

Did I say anything?

Oh, but you want to, Mom.
Go ahead, get it out.

It's in there, I know it is.
Pressure's building, steam is rising.

- She's not married, you know.
- There she blows, Old Faithful.

Stop by the gift shop on your way out.

-She has "a roommate."
-Hear the quotes? He's not my roommate.

-You share a bedroom.
-Yes.

Which makes you roommates with benefits.
Booty buddies.

That's what we are, Mom.
Glad you're up on the lingo.

Anything more permanent would terrify her.

We are permanent. We're permanent.

Hanging out is not permanent.
Marriage is permanent.

"Marriage is permanent."

Uh, Liz Taylor just rose
from her grave to say, "What?"

Well, even Claudia
just called him "your guy,"

like it's a beach blanket movie.

We have been together,
steadily, for nine years.

Luke hardly ever comes by the house
for dinner.

I didn't have his number
until I got it from Rory.

You go through me to get to him.
The system works.

You've hardly even mentioned him
in these sessions.

We are here to work out problems.
Luke and I don't have a problem.

My late husband
was just as concerned about this.

-Interesting.
-Chalk it up to a serious lack of hobbies.

That's why he set up that trust for Luke
to expand his business,

to give her something more permanent.

-You don't know what Dad was thinking.
-Excuse me?

I was his wife for 50 years.
I knew his every thought.

We shared everything
because we were married.

That bond got us
through the tough times, too.

The separation.

Our marriage brought us back together
for some of our happiest years.

What will get you through
the tough times?

My Wonder Woman stamina
and a box of Twinkies.

You'll just find another roommate.
Why not?

Can I bum a smoke?

One of you will shrug and think,

"What the hell, I'm outta here,"
pack a bag and walk off,

and the other'll stay behind
and just rent space to the next person,

-like it's an Airbnb.
-Okay.

I have not walked out
of any of these sessions,

because it's super dramatic, but I think
in this moment, it is justified,

'cause I don't wanna listen
to this anymore.

-Our time is up anyway.
-What? Oh, no way!

It is. The hour's up.

Okay, well, I am walking out of here

as if it is not over yet,
so the intent is the same.

-Fine.
-We're picking this up next week.

-Fine.
-Tuesday, 10:30. I insist.

Well, he needs to sign
the sperm donation agreement today, okay?

Then I don't want his sperm.
No, I do not want his sperm.

I do not wanna touch or see his sperm
until I get a firm sperm agreement.

We got it. No sperm.
Wrap it up.

Gotta go.
I'm offline for 30. I'll check in later.

-See you afterwards?
-See you afterwards.

We all have our proclivities, right?

The things we loved before Chilton,
the subjects we wanted to study.

I had them. Literature, history.
And I absorbed them.

But with time, I discovered
that it's the stealth subjects,

the ones I discovered while I was here,
that really expanded my mind the most.

I love music. So I thought,
"I'll take a music course.

Composition and theory.
How hard could it be?"

Well...

--It was a struggle. Let's put it that way.

I had this notion that somehow

my extensive familiarity
with Nick Cave, and Radiohead,

and a smattering of Stravinsky
destined me for success.

So I'll never forget the day
that I realized

my composition class required composing.

But I did it. I composed the melody,
I added the harmonies,

I drew those treble and bass clefs,

I wrote those whole notes,
those half notes,

those quarter notes, those rest stops,
and...

while you'll never witness
a public performance of my composition...

because of that experience,
I can see music when I hear it.

I only ever heard it before.

And I'll always be grateful for that.

It's kill or be killed.

I'm not talking The Art of War.

Oh, no.

That's a tiptoe through the tulips

compared with what you're going to find
beyond these walls.

Betrayal, deception...
And that's just in the bedroom.

That was a joke.
You were supposed to laugh.

Now, I'm not in the habit
of quoting Joseph Stalin.

I mean, the man was a psychopath,

and his policy of forced collectivization
killed millions of his own people.

But I found one thing he said
to be quite inspiring.

Well, hey, look at this.
Synchronicity.

How'd it go in there?

This generation's devoid
of anything resembling mirth,

but I made my points. You?

They're young'uns. That's for sure.

You got time for lunch?

-I'm starving.
-How about Steady Eddie's?

-Or the Italian place?
-Is it okay if we smell like garlic?

Not smelling like garlic
is way overrated if you ask me.

So what do you think?
The Italian place? Paris?

-Oh, my God.
-What is it?

Oh, my God!

- Tristin?
- Get out! Get out!

-What the hell?
-Was that Tristin out there?

Of course it was Tristin.

With that pouty mouth,
those liquid eyes. Who else?

The janitor in softer light?

-What is this? What am I feeling?
-I don't know. What are you feeling?

I'm feeling fear...
and loneliness and heartache.

Listen to me. I sound
like a freaking Blake Shelton song.

-Yours is better.
-My hands are shaking.

My heart is pounding.
God... I thought I was past this.

He must be here
for the same reason we are.

And to hit on girls.

You saw him out there,
mackin' on that slutty biznotch.

Now you're just freaking me out.
Calm down.

And he didn't even look at me.
Not so much as a glance.

All my education, the advanced degrees,

the academic awards,
all my accomplishments...

The private club, the Pilates,
the dermabrasions,

the subtle nips and tucks,
and I'm still just Paris Geller,

the amazing, insignificant,
invisible girl.

You've had nips and tucks?

-Do not abandon me.
-I'm not.

-I'm pathetic.
-No.

Oh, really?

Check out what's in my briefcase.

Nothing.

I thought people would think
I was important because I had briefcase.

I'm a phony.

--What's going on?

- Come on!

-I'm still in love with Tristin.
-What? No.

Yes.

No.

I don't know.

You are feeling vulnerable right now.
That's what this is.

You're going through a divorce.
You have your business, the kids.

The kids hate me.
They like the nanny.

Last Christmas, they cried until she came.

I don't blame them. I like the nanny, too.
I cry sometimes when she leaves.

Oh... hello.

Francie. Figures.

-What?
-You're catching us at a bad time.

-Are you stalking me?
-Sorry, did I accidentally step into 2003?

What do you need?
Expanded lunch hours?

Hemlines shortened
to just below the hoo-ha?

Should I get the nurse?

Or are you and Rory in cahoots again,
planning a get-together behind my back?

Is that why you didn't want
to get lunch?

I did. We were doing Italian.
We're having a bad day.

You always tried to get
between me and Rory,

you destroyed my student council career,

and you ruined my chance
to get into Harvard.

Paris, you're an MD, a lawyer,
an expert on neoclassical architecture,

and, I think,
a certified dental technician to boot.

You rule the world.
What's your damage?

Oh, you've been spying on me?
Cyber-stalking me?

How do you know all this?

-You invited me on LinkedIn.
-Yeah, right.

Take a powder, Baby John.
This is our turf!

Sure. Fine.

We'll just catch up
at the Puffs reunion next month.

Oops. No we won't,
because you never got Puffed.

-Screw you!
-Eat me!

Nice to see you, Francie.

I miss Doyle.

- Calm down.

I miss the sex.
It was volcanic.

Oh, boy. I didn't need to know that.

I'm untethered.

I'm a mylar balloon
floating into an infinite void,

and I missed my last period.

You're going through
a bad stretch here, Paris.

Just slow down, reassess,
then change course. It'll get better.

-Thanks for the cut-rate Confucius.
-Hey!

Sorry.

I've got... three meetings

and a panel discussion
at the 92nd Street Y,

and I have got to get myself together
because Lena Dunham's the moderator.

She cannot see me like this.

-Don't tell anyone about the briefcase.
-Your secret's safe with me.

- Thank you for stopping by.
- I wouldn't leave without saying goodbye.

Now, I have a question,
and there's a point to it.

Shoot.

Have you ever considered
getting your master's?

Why?

So you could come back
and be on the faculty here.

Oh. Wow.

It's not a bad place to work.

Not at all. I'm very flattered.

I've always
thought the world of you, Rory.

All of us here have.

And your experience
since you left us...

Top of your class at Yale, your writings.

We have a spot open for you
in whatever department you choose.

English, history...

Uh, not so much musical composition.

Oh, well, then I'm out of here.

Thoughts?

I thought about getting a master's.
Years ago. A PhD.

But... I was impatient.
I wanted to get out into the world.

Yes, you were always internally stronger
than everyone else.

I suppose you get that from your mother.
She was a real spitfire.

- Still is.
- We all go through bad stretches.

Oh. No, I'm not going
through a bad stretch.

Then my language was too strong.

It's just that when I hear that someone
of your caliber is living here and there,

I wonder if I can be of assistance.

I appreciate it,
but I don't think teaching's my future.

But thank you so much.

--Come in!

-Keep in touch, though.
-I'll keep in touch.

Headmaster, the students
from Paris Geller's lecture are here.

Bring them in.

The Paris postmortem.

- A headmaster's work is never done.

- Blow my colon.
- What now?

I left my glasses upstairs.
Three flights up.

Well, so go get 'em.

I'm exhausted from this day, Rory.
I can't take these stairs.

-So ask Clementina to go get them.
-No, no, no.

That's how we lost the kids' last nanny.
To those stairs.

-How?
-This place is a vertical Armageddon.

Five stories.
And Doyle wouldn't put in an elevator

because it'd ruin
the building's architectural integrity.

He just loved telling people,
"It's pre-war. Pre-Civil War."

Like that wouldn't make
Dorothy Parker barf.

--Hello.

Speak of the devil.

So we lose our nanny
because she won't take the stairs.

We're here.

Meanwhile,
Doyle's renting a loft in Tribeca.

- One story and it has an elevator.
- Hello?

-Doyle, just come in!
-I didn't know if you wanted me to.

What are you going to do?
Shove the kids through the mail slot?

- Hello, my babies.

Hi, Mommy.

Go up with Clementina.
I'll be up in a minute.

Yes, miss.
Come on, little ones.

Hey, fun day, guys.
Right?

Fun day?
All right. Fun day.

-Hey, Rory. It's nice to see you.
-Hey, Doyle.

See, I didn't poison her against you.

-I know. She and I e-mail now and then.
-You guys e-mail?

They suck you
into the Condé Nast universe yet?

-Still working on it.
-Really?

-You've been talking about it for months.
-You guys talk?

-How's the screenwriting going?
-Great.

Just got in last night
from a pretty big meeting in LA.

-Don't sit.
-How'd it go?

Pulled in off of Melrose,

sat on their Italian couch,
drank a Fiji Water,

pitched them an idea
I came up with at the airport.

Then they stuck a sack full of money
in my pocket and flew me home first class.

-Bunch of nitwits.
-The kids ate, right?

-They're eating here.
-There's nothing here, Doyle.

So have Clementina take them out.

-She just went upstairs.
-She went upstairs?

-You were right here.
-Why would you let her go upstairs?

Because I didn't know
she had to come back down.

Now I have to go upstairs,
tell her to bring the kids downstairs,

take them out, bring them home,
take them upstairs,

and we'll lose this nanny, too.

-We cannot lose this nanny.
-We're still paying off the last nanny.

Guys, I will take the kids
to get something to eat.

-Really?
-You'll go upstairs?

- Yeah. Yes.
- And bring them down?

And take them out and bring them back?

Or leave them in an alley.
One of those two things.

-Thank you, Rory.
-Yeah, thanks, Rory.

Bye, guys.
Kiss the kids again.

- What?

Are you and Doyle having an affair?

Waiting...

Waiting...

Hey, there.

Oh, shoot. Did I wake you up?

I woke you up. It's 2:00 a.m. there.

No, no, no, it's fine. I'm up.
Everything okay?

Yeah, I'm... I just... um...

What?

-I really hate to do this.
-What?

-Come on.
-Um...

Would your father still be willing to put
in a good word for me at Condé Nast?

-Absolutely.
-It's okay if he won't.

-I mean, I don't know how serious he was.
-No, he'll do it for sure.

He does stuff like this
all the time for lesser mortals.

I really didn't want to do it this way.

-Don't be embarrassed.
-I'm not.

-Pride's a little hurt.
-Get over it.

I'll give you a text when it's done.
Okay? Be happy.

I'm happy. Oops, hold on.

-What?
-Oh, uh...

I thought the baby was gonna throw up.

Your life change since I last saw you?

It's Paris' kid. I'm babysitting.

Did you find your lucky outfit, Ace?

There is no sign.
Thank you again.

-And thank your father for me.
-No problem. Really.

All right, well, I guess I should, uh,
let you get back to bed.

Okay, I'll let you know, Ace.
And...

good luck.

Thanks, Logan.

She's great. She's depressing.

Failed to find a jolly way
to tell us

that the Pacific Seaboard west
of the I-5 was going down.

-I always like a spoonful of sugar.
-"Consider the Lobster"?

It's a serious subject,
but funny and truthful.

That's the camp I'd put you in.

I mean, no one's David Foster Wallace,

but there's an erudition to your stuff,
and some whimsy, which I like.

I'll cop to that.

-Your Talk piece had it.
-Yeah, it was great.

And all your interviews are spot on.
You're in the piece, but not too much.

So, what are you up to now?

Oh, I, uh... well, I'm here.
Hello.

--And, um...

I'm just finishing up some things.

And, um, I...
I'm working on a book proposal.

Oh, cool. What's the book?
If you don't mind.

It's actually an expansion
of my Talk piece on Naomi Shropshire.

Really?

Wow. Interesting.

Uh, she's a little unhinged, isn't she?

-Makes her all the more interesting.
-What else?

I'm heading back to London
in just a couple days.

-There's a website after me.
-There must be a million.

-We have a couple things floating around.
-Mmm-hmm. Some sports stuff.

It would be an outsider's perspective
coming from me.

And we prefer that sometimes.

And lines.
That's been an elusive one.

- Lines?
- The ones all over New York.

You pass them all the time.
People line up for anything.

Collectibles, fast food,
restaurant openings.

It's the psychology of the group
that we're interested in.

What's the commonality?

David Wallace would've nailed it,
but so far we haven't.

I love that.

I'll confess, I've stood
in a lot of lines, and it's a thing.

Noodle it around a bit, okay?
And keep in touch?

Definitely.

-So nice to meet you.
-Here's my cell.

The Talk piece was great. Really.

- Thanks, Jim. Denise. Have a good day.
- You, too.

-Don't lose the card.
-I won't. Bye.

Gary, bring the book in here.

- Art department's freaking out.
- What else is new?

Don't forget,
you have that thing at Bemelmans.

- Oh. That's tonight?
- Yeah.

Have Brad bring me a sandwich.
I can't drink on an empty stomach.

--Come in!

Sorry, I'm late.

These drive-through coffee places?
Love the concept. But Heather and I?

We're gonna need to rehearse
the cup pass a couple more times.

Oh, my mom's late, too?

-I haven't heard from her.
-Really?

She doesn't usually pick up the phone
when she's driving, but...

- Hello?
- Oh, Mom, are you on your way?

-No, I'm at home.
-It's Tuesday.

-I know what day it is.
-Well...

Claudia and I are here.
Just the two of us.

The couch cushions are fluffed.
The candle's lit.

-I'm quitting.
-What?

-I'm done. I'm not coming anymore.
-Why?

We've had six sessions,
and you are no different.

-What?
-And that woman isn't helping.

-Who, Claudia?
-She's a dolt.

I don't need to pay someone
not to agree with me.

-But--
-I'm not coming.

- Sorry you made the trip. Goodbye.

-She quit.
-I'm sorry.

-She started this whole damn thing.
-It happens.

-I just... With no notice.
-It's not unusual.

She said I was no different.

Me. This wasn't for me.
This was for her.

People have expectations
when they come here.

Very often, the reality is different.

What sort of transformation
did she expect?

I come in here Lorelai Gilmore,

and two months later,
I walk out Queen Latifah?

- Probably not Queen Latifah.
- Oh, she is amazing.

She smoked me out, got me here...
"I'm no different."

Different?
She doesn't even know who I am.

-Are you...
-Am I...

Staying?

Oh.
No, I've got a million things to do.

--Oh, okay.

I mean, I should just go, right?

Well, the hour's paid for.
Anything you want to talk about?

Uh, no. No, nothing.

Wait, my mother's crazy.
Okay, now nothing.

-I don't know. It's been weird lately.
-How so?

Uh, this whole thing
was supposed to be grief therapy.

You know, my mother's grief therapy,
because of Dad.

Because of Dad dying...
I get it.

It was a stunner.
It was a stunner for all of us.

-Yeah, she talked about it.
-It was just so fast.

I was at the inn,
working on the books a little,

using the calculator on my phone...

and it rang.

And it was Mom with the news.

He was in the ICU.

Heart attack. Big one.

And we hung up.

And my phone went back
to being a calculator.

It just seemed so unreal.

You can't plan for these things.

And he never got out of the ICU.

He was conscious at times,
but in and out.

And he was angry.
He was really angry.

He couldn't believe it.

He's Richard Gilmore.

This is not how Richard Gilmore goes down.

-You know what his last words were?
-No.

"Get the hell away from me."

Aimed at the nurses, not... not us.

It was actually pretty funny.

And then...

just like that.

I didn't get that moment, you know?

That Lifetime movie moment,

"I love you, Lorelai."
"I love you too, Dad."

Mom didn't get it either.

Fifty years.

They were married 50 years.

That thing she said last week,
about me and Luke.

About us being partners,
because we're not married.

-Like we're a comedy team.
-Feels like it struck a chord.

My mother strikes more chords
than Esa-Pekka Salonen.

Hmm. Lorelai...

you should know many people
have full, lasting emotional relationships

without being married.

I know.

Do you want to be married?

I've been married. You didn't know that.
To Rory's father.

It was brief.

We have... had a long,
complicated relationship.

And it didn't end badly.

It just ended
because it shouldn't have happened.

It was supposed to be Luke.

It was always supposed to be Luke.

If it was always supposed to be Luke--

Then why aren't we married?

Why?

I just don't do things like my mother.

-Dinner the other night.
-What happened?

-She attacked Luke.
-How?

-With a bag of money.
-I don't get it.

It was money my father put aside

for Luke to spend
on something Luke doesn't want.

That my father
can still hover like that.

We're happy.

He's very happy.

Luke and I are... happy.

Thanks, Luke.

Hey, Caesar,
can you get 'em change for me?

Got it.

Oh, no.
Oh, no, no, no.

No. Please, no.

--Hello, Luke.

Mrs. Gilmore, hi.
What's going on?

-Luke, this is Ida. Ida, Luke.
-We gotta get started.

-We got a lot of ground to cover.
-Started on...

- We're seeing properties.
- Properties?

Three gems, an in-betweener
and a dog with a price I like.

-Maybe we should drop the dog.
-But it's close by.

If it's the first franchise,
Luke can zip back and forth.

Zip back and forth?

- That makes sense.
- What?

-Are you ready?
-To do what?

To see your potential
franchise locations, of course.

Oh, now, Mrs. Gilmore--

Call her Mom.

Uh, didn't Lorelai talk to you about this?

This has nothing to do with Lorelai.
This is about you.

-Did you lose that card I gave you?
-I gave it to Lorelai.

Really? Do you give all
your important business cards to Lorelai?

-Is she your secretary?
-No, but I--

Now, I'm assuming you have someone
to look after the place while you're gone?

-Yes. Caesar.
-Yep?

Um, uh, can you watch the place
for a little while,

or do you still have that thing
you were going to?

-You know, that appointment?
-Nope, I'm all yours.

Oh, good. He has a Caesar.

Caesar can run one of the franchises.

- Run what?
- You got any other Caesars?

No, just the one.

-You're gonna need more.
-Let's hit the road.

I gotta confirm all this stuff.

Is that the shirt you wear
on business outings?

-Yeah.
-There's blood on it.

Nah, that's jelly.

I'll be right back.

If I'm running something,
I'm gonna need a raise.

--Order up!

-This place is still open.
-So?

-It's not available.
-Everything is.

-It's a kind of a bad neighborhood.
-It's up-and-coming.

-It's gonna explode.
-See? Up-and-coming.

No, they illegally tapped their gas.
It's literally going to explode.

-What can I do for you folks?
-I'm sorry about this.

-Ida Friedman.
-Sam Duncan.

So nice to meet you, Sam.

Sam is four months behind
in his payments.

The marshal's already sniffing around.

-Excellent.
-I'm really sorry about this.

-It all has to go.
-The bankruptcy court'll take it anyway.

He won't have a pot to piss in.

-What must the bathrooms look like?
-Dresden after the bombings is my guess.

It needs to be lighter.
White paint, yellow accents.

- Oh, and look at that ridiculous clock.
- Ugh.

You thought the second place
was a possibility?

-You'd have to blow out the back...
-You'd have to.

But permits take forever.

Put an Andrew Jackson in the right hands,
they'll stir your soup.

And Luke, are you good with putting
number two in the maybe column?

-Number two?
-Number two.

- You'd have to blow out the back.
- He's in default. He can't complain.

Yeah, blow it out. That sounds good.

- Luke is good with number two.
- Hold on.

-He'd be crazy not to be.
-So that's four possibilities.

No, three plus a maybe.

-When do you start negotiating?
-Yesterday.

-Everything's a negotiation.
-Let's start.

-You're in good hands.
-We're gonna squeeze in one more place.

Don't you have that thing
you gotta get to today?

-What thing?
-Your therapy with Lorelai?

-You don't want to miss that.
-Oh, I stopped that a week ago.

Oh, right. Right.

-She didn't tell you?
-No. No, she told me.

She never told you.

Oh, here we are.

-Oh, it's cute.
-It's shaped like a teacup.

And it's near a prison.

Just closin' up, fellas.

Hi. I know you're sick of hearing this,
but this movie, History of Violence?

Viggo Mortensen is you.

-He's totally you.
-I know. You've said it before.

David Cronenberg owes you money.

He must have dropped by the diner,
got inspired,

and turned you into this ex-thug guy.

-He must have been in.
-I don't even know what he looks like.

- Or maybe Viggo Mortensen came by...
- Coffee!

observed you
and called David Cronenberg

with the idea. They're very close.

-You know what Viggo looks like.
-Like looking in a mirror.

You okay?

Yeah, just tired.

-Wanna order in?
-I can whip something up.

All right, start whipping.

Hmm. Hey, uh, how was therapy today?

Same old, same old.

My mother did most of the talking,
as usual.

Right.

It's a fancy shirt.
Did you go to the bank?

Yeah. Yeah, the bank.

-They like collars.
-They like collars.

-All right, I'll get changed.
-Cool.

Oh, I love this scene.

- But I can't watch this scene.

But I love this scene.

This is Poppy Corn,
and this is Taco Terrie.

-Oh, hi, Clementina.
-Oh, Paris is not home.

She told me I could hang out here
when I'm in the city.

If you want, I could watch the kids.

-You could go rest upstairs.
-Not upstairs.

-Or you could go out for a while.
-Okay. Thank you.

--Bye, babies.

Hello?

- Yes, I'm calling for Rory Gilmore.
- Speaking.

My name is Robert Castellanos,
an attorney representing Naomi Shropshire.

-Yes?
-This is just a courtesy call.

My firm is preparing paperwork
you'll soon receive

dissolving the contract
on your book project with Ms. Shropshire.

-What a shock.
-Excuse me?

-May I ask why she's doing this?
-Let's just say she's unhappy.

Let me save you some time.
There is no contract.

I was doing this on spec,
so there's nothing to dissolve.

Ms. Shropshire would also like
all of your notes back.

-What notes? All she did was babble.
-And Ms. Shropshire would like you to sign

a letter waiving all rights
to the "whale and mouse" idea.

Fine.
It wasn't exactly the next Cloud Atlas.

-So you'll sign this?
-Yes. And it was a rabbit, not a mouse.

Says here it was a mouse.

I'll be sure to collect all my doodles
of martini glasses and hangman ropes.

I'll get all the blank pages to you
by tomorrow.

Just text me where to send them.

She's a drunk!

- Jim Nelson.
- Jim, hi.

Sorry for the spontaneity here
and for calling your cell.

This is Rory Gilmore.
Do you have a quick second?

Oh, sure. What's up?

Give me lines,
the story that's been floating around.

Right, we talked about that.

I have a take on it.
A good one. Let me take a crack.

- I'm loving the confidence.
- I'm super confident.

-I don't have any money to play with here.
-This would be on spec.

Let me at it and I will show you
what I've got. No strings.

Do it. Dummy it up for me
or come in and pitch. This is great.

Thanks.
I'll call your office when I'm ready.

- Talk to you later.
- Bye.

Okay. Okay.

Hi.

Hi!
I called you from all my phones.

-Why didn't you pick up?
-I didn't recognize those numbers.

Mom, you have my numbers.

You have, like, 14 numbers.
I can't keep track.

--One burner is still trying to reach me.

I'm calling to let you know

I won't be back tomorrow.
I'm working on a story here in the city.

I thought you were coming back
and then flying to London to see Naomi.

I'm not doing the Naomi thing anymore.
I've got a new thing.

-So no more book?
-No more book. Catch up.

-Crabby Rory alert.
-I'm not crabby. I'm pumped.

-I'm feeling my oats.
-Share the oats.

-It's for GQ.
-Oh, my God, you're at Condé Nast.

-No.
-Still catching up?

I'm gonna write a piece
that's gonna knock their socks off at GQ.

Those are people
who care about their socks.

They don't get them in bunches of three
at the street fair.

It's about lines in New York,
about the people who stand in line

for countless hours
for what seems like minimal payout.

It's about the people,
their goals, their dreams.

-I love this.
-So do I.

The Naomi thing was a waste of time,
but I'm just going with the flow here.

-It's always good to go--
-Making things happen.

Getting proactive.
It's time to turn that corner.

-I knew you could--
-Turning the page. New leaf here.

-Are you tap dancing?
-And scaring the kids a little.

-So, you're not upset about the book?
-Uh, not in the least.

Okay.
Well, do you want company?

-Yes! Oh, yes!
-Ha! I've been working seven-day weeks.

-I'd love a New York overnight.
-Company would be great. I'd love company.

New York, here we come.

-Be thinking about lines.
-Like Scarface?

-Wrong lines.
-I'll adjust.

Gotta go.

It's showtime!

-Jesus, it's early.
-Don't walk with your eyes closed.

Plowing into scaffolding and falling over
the Citi Bike showed me the folly of that.

You're gonna be on New York 1.

If they make me look bad, I'm gonna punch
Pat Kiernan right in the mansack.

-Is this Cronuts?
-This is being hailed as the new Cronut.

-How does the old Cronut feel?
-Threatened.

-What time does it open?
-Not for two hours.

-Holy spumoni.
-I'm gonna start talking to people.

These are people? They look
like meat sticks with head balls.

-Do you wanna find some coffee?
-Yes! Coffee.

That way's the zombie McDonald's.
Go the other way.

-I would fit in there.
-Too risky. Hit a street cart.

On it!

-Excuse me.
-Yeah.

I'm doing a piece for GQ.
Would you be willing to talk to me?

Sure. I definitely have time.

What brings you here today?

Well, I love pastry.
And I'm a big Yelper,

so I try to get to things
before anyone else.

I was one of the first to try a Cronut,
and it was kind of a religious experience.

I went back a couple times,
then a couple times more.

Now I'm always
on the hunt for the next thing,

which is weird, 'cause I used to be
tenaciously old-school.

Donut Pub, Peter Pan, Vesuvio's.

I would make fun of people
in lines like this,

but I mean, why not wait in line,
get a good treat,

and meet a bunch of people
that have the same...

--What happened?

Don't know.

-You were out for a while.
-I'm just really tired. Sorry.

Where did you get that?

I went around the corner.
The chef was taking out the trash.

I chatted him up, and I got him
to sneak a bunch of these out to me.

-You can't do that.
-Why not?

-These people will tear you apart.
-I'm starving.

Hide that.
Don't let them see it.

-I'm gonna take a little bite.
-Me too.

Just a little one.
To keep my energy up.

-So three of you work, you're retired?
-And I'm too old to be doing this.

And you have three kids,
so this is a sacrifice and a pleasure.

-Everyone needs a hobby, right?
-Here.

- Where'd you get a hot dog at 7:30?
- The guy had his cart.

It wasn't open, but I waved some bills,
danced around a little.

Oh, God, is it really 7:30?
I have to go.

-Before you get your Cro-dough-cake?
-That's the name?

Breaks my heart, but my boss is in today.

Good luck.

Psst, hey, kid, let me hook you up.

Are you kidding?

-I don't kid about a Cro-dough-cake.
-Take one.

- Oh! Bless you. Bye.

What? We had extra.

I know there's a pecking order
for tennis shoes.

-Yeah, totally.
-These are out of a company in LA.

What else is on your wish list?

I'd say any of the wear-test samples.

Vintage but never worn.
Those are impossible to find.

My uncle actually has a pair
of the original black and red Jordan 1s

with the tag still on them.

-Right, so these aren't for wearing.
-No way.

Ugh, boy, does it smell
like pot over here.

-Welcome back.
-Seriously, around the corner,

it was like I bumped
into a nine-foot joint.

People in this line
would eat that other line.

-What do you have there?
-Shoes.

-What shoes?
-The ones everyone's waiting for.

They're pretty cool.
I think they light up.

How did you get those?

Marcy, the girl I gave
the Cro-dough-cake to, works there.

- Of course.

Excuse me,
I'm working on a story for GQ today.

-Is this our next spot?
-This was not on the agenda.

-We just happened on this line?
-Let's find out what it's for.

-Excuse me, what are you waiting for?
-I don't know.

- Mystery?
- Definitely. Here's the front.

Hey,
so what are you guys in line for?

Nothing. We're just eating lunch.

-They're not even waiting for stuff.
-Should we tell them?

Nah.

Hey, these shoes are very comfortable.

So, what is this again?

-Sad geeks?
-Limited-edition toys.

- Do you wanna say that a little louder?
- Sorry.

-It's video games, movie tie-in stuff.
-There's nothing here I want.

Well, you came to hang out
with me.

-Mommy's feet are sore.
-Mommy's been strong today.

-Mommy is tiring.
-Head back to the hotel, Mommy.

-Really?
-Yes, you were a big girl today.

I have some work to do.

Go do it, and take a bath
and order room service.

-I won't be long.
-Okay, good.

-Ooh, nice costumes.
-Thanks.

Hi. Did I fall asleep?

I guess I fell asleep.

Oh, great hotel. Great bed.
No Lifetime channel.

Good room service, though.
Twenty-four hours.

You hungry?
Wow, you look weird. What's wrong?

I slept with a Wookiee!

-Come again?
-I slept with a Wookiee.

-You slept with a--
-Wookiee! Wookiee!

I slept with a Wookiee!
Don't make me keep saying it.

I'm sorry. I'm not getting this.

-I was in that collectibles line.
-Nothing good can follow that.

And I was interviewing people,
and then, you know, the line moved up,

and I kind of bonded with this one group,

and I tagged along with them
to P.J. Clarke's.

We had burgers, and drinks,
and more drinks,

-and then there was this guy--
-The Wookiee?

A guy dressed in a Wookiee costume.

-He wasn't a Wookiee.
-Got it. Go on.

He was nice.
I was laughing. He was laughing.

They have that very deep laugh.

-He was laughing in his own voice.
-Mmm.

He invited me back to his place.

And if you say,
"Did you take the Millennium Falcon?"

-I'll smack you.
-I said nothing.

-I can't believe this.
-Calm down...

A one-night stand.
I just had a one-night stand. My first.

It's a one-night stand
if you don't see him again.

-Will you see him again?
-He was wearing a Wookiee costume.

-No, I won't see him again.
-That seems a little harsh.

A one-night stand.

I'm 32, and I'm only now having
a one-night stand?

It's your first one, huh?

-Yes.
-Wow.

-Why?
-I thought that's what college was for.

Exactly. I'm behind.
I mean, how many have you had?

-Wookiees?
-One-night stands.

-Oh. None.
-None?

-Yeah, none.
-How can that be?

Well, mom at 16, for starters.
Hot in Outlander, but elsewhere...

And I had you, and rules,
and work, and rules.

I had a couple three-night stands,
if that helps.

Oh, perfect.
I'm behind on everything.

- No, you're not.
- Really?

I have no career, no apartment,

but boy, oh boy,
can I bang out a one-night stand.

-You're too hard on yourself.
-My love life is a disaster.

Did you not break up with Pete yet?

I'm not talking about him.
I'm talking about...

Who?

-You know.
-No, who?

-You know.
-No, I don't know.

-Logan.
-Huntzberger?

-You really didn't know?
-No. Since when?

Whenever I'm in London,
I stay with him.

-So there's no Didi?
-He's Didi.

Logan Huntzberger.

I thought he was engaged
to that French heiress.

-He is.
-Oh.

They don't live together.
She lives in Paris.

- But they're engaged.
- Yes.

-And they're getting married.
-Yes.

Well,
if it makes you feel any better,

that's sluttier than a one-night stand.

-That helps. Thanks.
-Does Patrick know?

Paul! Paul! His name is Paul!
And he doesn't know.

All right, calm down.

I'm blowing everything.
My life, my career...

I'm flailing, and I don't have
a plan, or a list, or a clue.

This is karma.

This is why Condé Nast
will not follow up with me.

They know failure
when it walks in the door.

I never found my lucky outfit.
I needed it. It gives me confidence.

-What is your lucky outfit?
-Red dress, full skirt.

- That's in my closet.
- Are you kidding me?

No! It looks cute with boots.

Mom, you knew
I was looking for that outfit.

Really? That red?
It'll wash you out.

So, not only
did you steal my lucky outfit,

you've now ruined the image
I had of me in my outfit.

Thanks a lot.

Come here. Sit.

What is happening here?

This isn't you.

Panicking, lying...

-I didn't lie.
-Ah, you didn't tell me about Logan.

-What's with not telling me about stuff?
-I don't know.

-Why didn't you tell me about Logan?
-I don't know. I just...

I'm feeling very lost these days.

This whole past year,
it's like the ground's made of straw.

I'm just gonna fall through.

Look, life has been
pretty good to you so far.

It was your turn for a few curveballs.
Peaks and valleys, kid.

The older you get, the more you have.

That whole line story was so stupid.

I did it because
they thought it was interesting.

I didn't have a beat on it.
I didn't feel it.

I'm just a big, fat,
Wookiee-humping loser with no future.

Wait. What about that website?
The one that's been after you forever,

begging you to come work for them?

-BrendaBlabs?
-SandeeSays.

Go there.

-Have you seen it?
-Who cares?

Go. Work. Be wanted.
Be adored.

So it's not the Washington Post.
You're young.

I'm not so young.

Hey! I'm young. You're young.
Case closed.

-Yeah.
-Give them a call.

You haven't had
anything steady in forever.

Stay in one place for a while.

Plus they've been stalking you.
That feels good a little, doesn't it?

Yeah. It's flattering.

So, give them a call.

-I will give them a call.
-Want me to order some comfort food?

Some pot roast, mashed potatoes,
banana split?

Sure.

I'm gonna take a shower,
get the Wookiee smell off me.

Wait, seriously.
Did he leave the outfit on?

That's a conversation for another day.

Can that day be tomorrow?

Don't leave me and my imagination
alone with that for too long!

- Order!

Here we are, the nerve center.

-Very cool. Simple.
-Oh, we don't decorate much.

We're expanding so fast,
there's no reason to.

We'll outgrow this place in a month.

I don't waste money.
My CFO appreciates it.

-Say hello to her. This is Patrice.
-Hi, Patrice.

Rory Gilmore.
The one I was telling you about.

We have no individual offices.
Not even me.

We work best in a hive,

buzzing around each other,
making word honey.

Interesting.

When you come in, you grab
the nearest spot at the communal table.

-No hierarchy.
-And together we storm the barricades.

Exactly.

Uh, so I didn't know I'd be getting
a tour from Sandee herself.

I thought my first stop would be HR.

Oh, HR still means homeroom
to half the peeps here.

We don't even have it.
Come, sit.

-Okay.
-Need Red Bull.

-So, let's do this.
-Yes.

That is why I'm here.
Should I have brought my laptop?

Well, first things first.

If I take a chance on Rory Gilmore,
what am I getting?

-What?
-If I hire you,

tell me what Rory Gilmore
would write about for SandeeSays.

Oh. If I worked here?

Sell me.

Sell? Okay, we're selling. Um...

-That's a totally different outfit.
-Hmm?

Um, if I worked here,
you'd be getting the person

who wrote
the New Yorker article you liked.

Yeah, but that's the New Yorker.
We're not the New Yorker.

Look around, everyone's got their hair.

Oh, right.

Um, sorry.
I just didn't have a pitch prepared.

That's a little weird.
Thought you'd bring some ideas.

Don't get me wrong. I have ideas.

Like?

Um, stuff about the world, uh...
culture...

Pretty generic.
You got anything specific?

-You want specifics.
-I'd love some.

Well, let's see.

There could be something in, um,
girls who go to Comic-Con type things

and sleep with characters.

Character-loving girls.

That sounds obscure.
Very made-up.

Yes, it does.

So you're talking about loser girls.

Like, they get drunk
and they do something stupid.

We've done that story a bunch of times.

Different takes on it.
I thought you knew our site.

Oh, I do. And you're right.
I wouldn't want to repeat that.

Oh, shoot.

Ugh, I've just been called
into an emergency meeting.

-Hello?
-So, hi, it's Sandee.

Hello.

Really appreciate you coming in
for the job,

but I've decided
we're gonna go internal.

What?

On the staff writing job, we're going
with one of our veterans, Kaitlynn.

-She's been here two months.
-But it's an editing job.

Oh, wow, no.
We're really picky about those.

-You basically promised me the job.
-You were a candidate.

What about "we gotta have
Rory Gilmore's voice at SandeeSays"?

-You've been saying that for a year.
-I think Kaitlynn's going to be that.

Kaitlynn is going to be the voice
of Rory Gilmore?

-Are you high?
-Don't be hostile.

-I'm a little pissed here.
-I get it. You got your hopes up.

No, you got my hopes up.
For a job that I didn't even want.

Oh, real nice.

-So you just felt like wasting my time.
-No, you wasted my time.

Hey, I'm the CEO here.
My time's a little more valuable.

And another thing.

It's weird that you have
three different cell numbers.

-Super weird.
-It's not. One is a work-only phone.

The other's family-only,
except when I'm in Stars Hollow

and there's no reception,
so I use the family phone for work.

The other one is for friends,

and work when it's overcast
in Stars Hollow and the others don't work!

-Get a better phone! A better attitude!
-Get a better office! A better life!

-Get lost!
-Get... shorty!

Moving home!

♪ Nothing's impossible I have found ♪

♪ When my chin is on the ground ♪

♪ I pick myself up, dust myself off
Start all over again ♪

♪ Don't lose your confidence
If you slip ♪

♪ Be grateful for a pleasant trip
And pick yourself up ♪

♪ Welcome to our world
Of food and fun ♪

♪ Welcome, welcome, everyone ♪

♪ Food for all and all for fun ♪

♪ Welcome, everyone ♪

♪ Welcome to our world
Of food and fun ♪

♪ Welcome, welcome, everyone ♪

♪ Food for all and all for fun ♪

♪ Welcome, everyone ♪

♪ Welcome to our world ♪

♪ Of food and fun and food ♪

♪ Welcome, everyone ♪

♪ Welcome to our world
Of food and fun ♪

♪ Welcome, welcome, everyone ♪

♪ Food for all and all for fun ♪

♪ Welcome, everyone ♪