Gilmore Girls (2000–2007): Season 7, Episode 10 - Merry Fisticuffs - full transcript

Okay, I got a meeting in
half an hour, so I better run.

- Okay, well, have a great day.
- Thanks again for breakfast.

- My pleasure.
- You make a hell of a frittata.

Well, it is my specialty.
What time will you be home?

Around sixish.

All right, I might make
a frittata for dinner.

Sounds good.

- Have a great day, honey.
- Bye, hon.

- So what did you think?
- Frittata?

- Felt pretty good, huh?
- No, it did.

It's homey. Homish. Homelike.
Margaret, what did you think?

You seemed like real
people in a real house.

Wow. What about the lighting?

Well, as you can see there's lots
of windows, lots of natural sunlight.

But how do we look?

- Excuse me?
- In the lighting, how do we look?

Right. At least
10 years younger.

- Than...
- Hmm?

Well, if you think we're 60, and
the lighting makes us look 50,

then this room is aging
us, and that's not good.

- You look 20.
- Very good!

This house was
originally built in 1790,

but obviously has been
completely remodeled.

All new appliances.
Three fireplaces.

Proximity to an excellent school
district. The large backyard.

- Great tree-house-building trees.
- Fun.

So I'm gonna make a quick call.

Take your time. Look around.
Make yourselves at home.

Well, I don't have
to tell you two that.

I'll be right outside, so just
holler if you have any questions.

Thank you. We will.

- So?
- So...

- I told you it was a really cool house.
- It is.

- And that yard?
- Love the yard.

And I know it's not Stars Hollow,
but it's a really cool town and bigger.

Lots of places to eat and shop.

Three bookstores? I mean,
this is a well-read community.

We might be the
dumbest people in town.

Yep, we could be the town
dunces. We'll buy caps.

- We'll put "The Dunces" on our mailbox.
- That mailbox!

What is that, a hollowed-out
birch tree or something?

And the second-floor
bedroom, that's perfect for G.G.

And the third-floor room, the
one with the really cool windows,

that could be Rory's room.

Honey, I can't
imagine a better house.

Big front yard.

- Could be our front yard.
- Yeah?

Yeah.

What's with the face?

Face? What face? This is my
face. You don't like my face?

Lor.

You want to stay
in Stars Hollow.

Yeah.

You want to stay in your house.
You don't want to move at all.

Yeah.

Okay.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

- It's a hell of a mailbox, though.
- Sure is.

(SINGING)

If you're out on the road

Feeling lonely, and so cold

All you have to
do is call my name

And I'll be there
on the next train

Where you lead, I will follow

Anywhere that you tell me to

If you need, you
need me to be with you

I will follow, oh

Where you lead, I will follow

Anywhere that you tell me to

If you need, you
need me to be with you

I will follow where you lead

(DOORBELL RINGING)

- You're here.
- I'm here!

You're 37 minutes
late, but you're here.

Traffic.

It's Sunday morning,
Lorelai. The roads are empty.

Will you let me finish, Mom?

Traffic cones everywhere. I
mean, you wouldn't believe it.

It's like a crazy obstacle course
out there. It's a miracle I survived.

Maybe we should
do this another day,

when I'm less stressed
from the traffic-cone dodging.

- I have the most exciting news.
- You're canceling my wedding party?

I got Randall Farber
as your party planner.

And he's canceling
my wedding party?

He spent the last 15 years
as designer-in-residence

at the Connecticut Opera House.

- Boss.
- This is a real coup, Lorelai.

Your father and I have been
fans of his work for years

and he's only just
begun designing parties.

Two months ago, we went to Abigail
Hirschfeld's granddaughter's bat mitzvah,

and it was the most
spectacular event.

The whole decor was inspired by
Britten's A Midsummer Night's Dream.

I swear I felt like I was in an
enchanted forest the entire night,

except for the children
running around with braces.

Randall, this is my daughter,
Lorelai. Lorelai, Randall Farber.

- Hello.
- The star of our show.

Oh, well.

I apologize for her
tardiness. It's rather habitual.

Stop. You're talking to an opera
man. I work with Renée Fleming.

The personality of
a pit bull, that one,

but all is forgiven when
she sings, am I right?

Well, heads-up, I'm not much
of an outside-the-shower singer.

I hope you realize how lucky you are
to have Randall, Lorelai. He's a genius.

Oh, stop. Shall we?

Please.

Well, the first order
of business is deciding

on a theme around which
I can design the evening.

How about "Man's
inhumanity to man"?

It always worked well for
my term papers in high school.

Why don't you show
us what you're thinking?

Well, I've done a few mock-up tables.
Just tell me which one jumps out at you.

They all jump out at me.

- Kind of aggressively.
- Lorelai.

Well, I just don't want it to be a
big production, Mom. It's just a party.

My dear, every
party's a production.

If it's a lousy production, it's a lousy
party, and everyone leaves by 8:30.

What about that as a theme?
"Everyone leaves by 8:30."

Tell me about this one.

You've got your stocking plaid,
your festive ornament collage,

your snowman trio,
your peekaboo Santa.

Well, it's lovely, Kirk, but I
already bought my wrapping paper

from the kids from the
Stars Hollow middle school.

- Well, then, you got ripped off.
- What?

Those kids are gouging you.

I'm selling the same
wrapping paper for 20% less.

Aren't the kids selling
the wrapping paper

to help raise money
for a new gymnasium?

- Yeah.
- Well, why are you?

To raise money for myself.

I'm not a school, Luke. No
one's raising money for me.

I saw the opportunity to enter the market
at a lower price point, and I took it.

Ho, ho, ho.

What? Schoolchildren are the only
ones allowed to sell wrapping paper?

It's a free country. Hey, Jacob.
Beat it. This is my territory.

- Fathead.
- Yeah, keep walking.

- Look who's here.
- Oh, my God!

She's precious.

Oh, those eyes, that
skin. She's gorgeous.

That's what everyone says.

- Hey, Liz.
- Hi, Luke.

- She's bigger.
- Eleven pounds, four ounces.

- She looks great.
- I know. She's really strong, too.

She can practically
hold her head up.

Most kids don't do that
until they're two months.

- Really?
- Yeah.

- Come on over and sit down.
- Oh, sure.

She's really strong,
too. She takes after T.J.

He's really strong, you know.

We've been watching
Survivor sometimes, you know,

and he does the challenges,
you know, like standing on one leg

or dragging the sandbags around,

and he lasts longer

- than the guys on the show.
- Wow.

You know, baby's first
Christmas is approaching.

Have you given thought to what

baby's first Christmas
gift will be wrapped in?

- No.
- I have baby Santa,

- cuddly reindeers, Frosty's world...
- Kirk.

Yeah, okay.

So, is April excited
about being a cousin?

Yeah. I showed her
the pictures you sent,

and she's gonna frame the
one of her in the orange jumper.

Oh, that is such a good one!

She looks like a little Creamsicle.
She's very photogenic, huh?

Yeah.

And how are things with Anna?

You know, we're trading calls.

It'll work out. I mean, I've
calmed down a little since the fight.

- It'll all work itself out.
- I'm sure.

Actually, I made a list. Okay.
I think it's pretty reasonable.

All right, I was thinking I could have
April either Thanksgiving or Christmas,

Anna can choose, one
month of the summer,

and I think I would like
April to come to Stars Hollow

one weekend every other month.

In between, I can travel to New
Mexico. I mean, that sounds fair, right?

Very reasonable.

But I definitely think
you need to get a lawyer.

No lawyers.

Anna and I are gonna
work this out on our own.

That's what you think now, big brother,
but trust me, custody issues are tough.

Well, I don't like lawyers.

Well, nobody does. Wait.
She's staring at you. She is!

She's staring at you and
she's falling asleep. Great.

I'm gonna leave her with
you, and I'll be back in an hour.

What?

I'm going crazy. I just
need a minute to myself.

- Liz...
- She's been attached to my boob

for two weeks, and T.J.'s
decided to finally get a "work ethic."

You can't just leave her
here. I can't watch her.

I fed her. She'll be fine.
She'll sleep the whole time.

- Wait, Liz...
- I'll be back in an hour,

maybe an hour and a half.

So, why don't we
take our inspiration

from the world of La
Bohème, fin de siècle Paris?

A little birdie told me you had quite
the romantic Parisian adventure.

Tweet, tweet.

I must confess, this
is my personal favorite.

I must admit I have a soft spot, for
it was while I was doing La Bohème

at the Staatsoper in Vienna

that I met the incomparable
Franco Zeffirelli,

whose meticulous attention
to detail has been a yardstick

by which I measure all my work.

Your details are simply
astounding, Randall.

What about instead of La Bohème,
we took our inspiration from Rent.

East Village, 1985, rickety
tables, chipped glassware...

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Lorelai.

Excuse me. Hello?

How goes the party planning?

What? What happened?

- That good, huh?
- Is he okay?

I am not participating in this.

Oh, my God. What can I
do? What do you need?

You're not using this call to
get out of party-planning hell.

- I'll be right there.
- Mom!

I can hear Rory on the other end, Lorelai.
You're not as clever as you think you are.

- Drat.
- Hi, Grandma.

Hello, Rory.

That's my granddaughter, Rory.
Delightful girl. She's a senior at Yale.

Fantastic theater
program. Meryl, Jodie.

- I thought we had a deal.
- We had no deal.

No, a deal for life. You've
got my back. I've got yours.

I plan on having a good
time at your wedding party.

More importantly, I
plan on making sure

that you have a good
time at your wedding party.

Therefore, I think it's
important that you be involved

in the planning of
your wedding party.

So, in the big picture, I do
very much have your back.

Yeah, whatever.

Okay, bad news.

I'm afraid I have to bail on
you and Dad for dinner tonight.

Mmm-hmm. Logan?

Yeah, he's coming to stay
with me for a couple days.

He's been so busy with the start-up,
I've hardly gotten to see him lately.

Okay, can't see it through
the phone, but I'm pouting.

- I'll make it up to you.
- Hey, is he coming to the party?

I'm trying to pad the guest list. If
he's coming, I'm in the double digits.

- He'll be there.
- Awesome.

So, okay, I'll call
you later, okay?

The stairs are rickety, and you
think you might fall down them?

Mom.

The pool is empty, and
you've hit your head?

- Goodbye.
- Okay, bye.

Lorelai, come look
at these invitations.

Can we just send
an e-vite? No? Okay.

Two hours we spent
picking out invitations.

- Two hours.
- Wow.

Not counting the one hour we spent
picking out the calligraphy for a party.

This is gonna be some shindig.

"Would you like the brown
card with the cream-colored detail

"and the parchment
insert, or would you like

"the cream-colored card with the
silk lining and the clear paper insert?"

How about, I'd like some cyanide
and a 30-story building to jump off of?

No, we said one sugar cereal.

You're gonna deny me the Cap'n?

We've got a whole box
of Froot Loops at home.

In my fragile state you're gonna
deny me peanut butter Cap'n Crunch?

It rips your gums.

In a delightful, sugary way.

Look, it's got 5% real peanut
butter flavored chemicals.

- No.
- Fine.

- Corn Flakes.
- Which one do we get again?

Avoid the words, "Made
with real vegetables."

I cannot take another
day of Emily and Randall

and I have nine more days of it.

That's nine more
days than I can take.

You're doing great.

I'm not doing great.
I'm going nuts.

Tomorrow we have the food and wine
tasting at the Mildred Manor ballroom.

Well, at least you get to
drink your way through it.

No. Fancy people make
you spit out the wine.

That's what fancy people do. But not me.
I'm gonna drink them under the ballroom.

- What time's the tasting?
- 3:30 till the end of never.

Well, I've got a meeting
in Hartford at 2:00,

but I can meet
you there afterward.

- Really?
- Yes.

Honey, that would be so great.

I'll never eat peanut butter Cap'n
Crunch again. Yes, I will. That's a lie.

But together, we
can defeat them.

Hey, this is serious,
I don't want to get

the wrong-colored
type of parchment insert.

The guys at the gym would
never let me live it down.

- No.
- MAN: Well, we got everything?

Yeah, we're good.

- Oh, no.
- What?

- Bonnie.
- Who?

Taylor's niece, Bonnie,
working the register.

She couldn't be slower
or care less about her job.

I thought life in a small town
was supposed to be leisurely.

There's leisurely, and
then there's Bonnie.

We're never gonna
get out of here.

Go wait outside.

- Really?
- Go.

Honey, buy me Tic
Tacs. Hi, Bonnie.

What's up, Lorelai?

(REGISTER BEEPS)

That's cabbage, hon.

I'm gonna need a void here.

- Hi.
- Hey.

- Who's this?
- That's Liz's baby.

Oh, wow. Congratulations.

- You're an uncle again, huh?
- Yeah, thanks.

Well, she's cute.
She looks just like T.J.

Hopefully, she will
grow out of that.

She's adorable. She's
sweet. So what's her name?

Doula.

- What?
- Doula.

- Oh, is that...
- A weird name.

Weird name. A little
bit. But, no, it's special.

It's one of a kind,
distinctive. Can I?

Sure, of course.

Hi. Hi, bubby. Hi.

Precious. How old
is she? Two weeks?

- Eleven days.
- Oh, wow.

- And how's Liz?
- They're great. They're both doing great.

They're gonna make very strange
parents, but, you know, good ones, I know.

Nothing wrong with a
strange, but loving household.

Yeah, I guess.

Look at her long fingers.

Yeah, I noticed that, too.

What are you gonna be? A
pianist, when you grow up?

Is that what you're gonna
be, pretty girl? Or a pickpocket.

Well, yes, you might. You
might be a pickpocketing pianist.

Oh, look what she did.

- Pretty.
- She's trying to take my finger.

Hey.

Hey. Look, it's Liz's new baby.

- Cute.
- Yeah.

- Well, thanks, for letting me hold her.
- Yeah.

- And tell Liz congratulations for me, okay?
- Will do.

- All right, see you.
- See you.

- Want me to...
- I got it.

- Okay.
- Looks good on you.

- We don't have to eat here.
- Yes, we do. You're on my turf now.

- Your turf?
- My turf.

- You know, I did go to school here.
- Yeah, you graduated from Yale.

You can eat from their
cafeteria at least once.

I stopped by for the
occasional bowl of cereal.

Yeah, cereal does not count.

Okay, you need to get something
hot and mushy and meaty.

You're not making it
sound too appetizing.

It's not. I have an extra family
pass from parents' weekend.

So when your parents came
to visit, they got to eat real food?

Mmm-hmm. I'm gonna tell
them that you're my brother

and that you're gonna
get your meal comped.

I don't mind paying
for my mushy meat.

No, that's not the issue. I mean,
I know how to work the system.

Oh, you do.

Yeah, you know
me. I can be crafty.

Yeah, you can be crafty. You can
make a necklace out of macaroni,

but this is
high-stakes deception.

What's my middle name? Rory
"High-Stakes Deception" Gilmore.

- Card.
- There you go.

And, this is my family
pass for my brother, here.

Logan!

What's up, brother? What
they hell are you doing here?

I thought you moved to London
to run the world or something.

- Just back for a visit.
- My brother went here, too.

- Is this your girlfriend, Rory?
- I don't know, is it?

- I'm a terrible liar.
- Uh-huh.

Apparently so.

So, hi. I'm Rory.

- Brandon. Nice to meet you.
- You, too.

- So, Dennis, how much is a lunch pass?
- $9.75.

- So, you're still with Nicole?
- Yeah, till I die or she kills me.

- Well, give her my best.
- Will do, buddy.

- Good to see you, Logan.
- You too, man.

- Nice to meet you, Rory.
- You, too. Bye.

- Smooth.
- Shut up.

- Way to work the system.
- You totally left me hanging there.

What could I do? You
were working the system.

In fact, you were working
the system so well,

I think the system
needs a day off.

I'll have the chicken, and he'll
have the meat loaf with extra gravy.

Nice.

Hey, there's Lucy. Lucy!

Hi!

You must be Rory's
imaginary boyfriend, Logan.

- Hi, Lucy.
- Hi.

I would give you a proper hug, but
my pockets are full of Apple Jacks.

I have art history
in a few minutes,

and my professor sounds like
Garrison Keillor on Quaaludes,

so I need a constant intake
of sugar just to stay awake.

I was just treating Logan to his
first Branford dining hall meat loaf.

You're in for a treat
and a stomachache.

I can tell.

So, congratulations on buying
the Internet or something.

Thank you, although Al Gore and I are still
negotiating so it's not a done deal yet.

It's too bad that you have class.
You could have eaten with us.

Sad. Hey, why don't
we have dinner?

I have a lecture tonight, but
what about tomorrow night?

- Sure.
- Sounds good.

Fun! We'll have
to go to Panchali's.

It's this new Indian
restaurant right off campus.

It's awesome, and, I swear, no
matter how much food you order,

you cannot spend
more than seven bucks.

Sounds like
stomachache number two.

Hey, babe. Come on.

Boyfriend!

Boyfriend, this is Rory's
imaginary boyfriend, Logan.

- I know Marty. How you doing, man?
- Hey.

How do you two know each other?

We met when I was bartending
one of Logan's parties.

- What a coinkydink.
- Yeah.

More than one, he did a
couple blowouts for me,

and if I'm not mistaken, at
the last one cops were called.

That sounds familiar.

You know, you probably met Marty,
too, and you just didn't even know it.

We should go. I need to
stop by the library before class.

Right. Okay, bye, guys.

We will see you tomorrow
for basmati and vindaloo.

- Okay. Bye.
- Later.

Okay. Come on.

- Is this okay?
- Fine.

So, what's with that? What's with
the whole, "You must have met Marty?"

- I meant to tell you.
- Tell me what?

It's kind of embarrassing.
It's so juvenile and lame.

It's like high school. Not even
high school. It's junior high.

I'm listening.

Well, I've been hanging
out with Lucy and Olivia,

and I keep hearing about Lucy's boyfriend,
and they never actually said his name,

and then when I finally
met him, it was Marty,

and before I could even say anything,
he just pretended like we've never met.

And I just didn't know what
to do, so I went along with it,

but now, Lucy still doesn't
know that we know each other.

It's just kind of weird and
awkward. And did I mention juvenile?

Why did you go along with it?

I don't know. It just happened
so fast. I was caught off guard.

So, why would he
pretend not to know you?

I don't know.

I mean, maybe because he used to
like me, and maybe he still does a little.

But that's stupid, because he's
with Lucy now, and she's amazing.

They're great together,
and it's all so annoying.

I mean, they don't call people by
name. They don't call anyone by name.

French-fry guy, I don't know
who that is. That could be you.

- So what happened?
- What do you mean?

Well he must have said
or done something, right,

to make you think
he's still into you.

I don't know. He said I was
beautiful. To me, he said it.

Well, can't blame the guy
for that. You are beautiful.

- The way he said it.
- Right.

Yeah.

So what? You guys
have been hanging out?

No. No, I mean, just when
he's around with Lucy.

So, you have been hanging out.

- Just with Lucy.
- So, why the secrecy?

I told you, I was
caught off guard.

No, with me.

Why did you never mention that you
and Marty were hanging out again?

I just didn't think it mattered.

Well, you're not usually
the secret-keeping type.

Of course, that is before I knew you
were Rory "High-Stakes Deception" Gilmore.

No, it wasn't a secret. I
mean, I didn't tell you. That's it.

I swear. I mean, I
didn't not tell you.

I just didn't think there
was anything to tell.

Well, you have to tell Lucy.

I know. I will.

I need to figure out the
right time and way to do it.

I just don't want to
screw anything up.

A little brotherly advice. Tell
her sooner rather than later.

Yeah, I will. I'll
figure something out.

We don't have to go to dinner
with them, though. I can cancel that.

No, it's fine. We can
go to dinner with them.

Unless there's
something on your end.

No. Logan, God, no.

Good. Then let's go to dinner.

Okay.

Really, they charge
10 bucks for this?

CHRISTOPHER: Let's make a baby.

- What do you mean?
- Seriously.

- Christopher.
- What?

What are you talking about?

Why not?

What?

Why not?

Because we haven't
talked about it at all, ever.

Okay, well, let's talk about it.

Okay.

You want another kid, don't you?

Oh, God. I don't know. I...

Sure, maybe.

Me, too. And, you know, last
one turned out pretty good, so...

Last one didn't
turn out pretty good.

Last one came out and a lot of work
went into getting her to pretty good.

You're right.

You're right. I'm sorry.

It's okay.

No, you're right.
You're absolutely right.

But, it's different now.
We're adults. We're married.

It'd be easier.

Yeah.

I guess. I don't
know. I think...

I want another kid.

Okay, well, we're on the
same page. Let's go for it.

- Honey. Chris, honey.
- Yeah. Yeah.

Seriously. Seriously, I don't
want to go for it right now.

Why not?

Why not? We just got married. I
mean, G.G.'s not even back from France.

So, you don't want
to because of G.G.?

No, I mean, it's
not because of G.G.

Because financially,
we're good. We're set.

We could have a
thousand kids, feed them,

send them to Harvard
undergrad law school.

No, I know.

Do you not think we'll work?

What?

Because if that's what you're
thinking, I mean, it's a little late.

Oh, my God, no. That's
not what I'm thinking.

That's not what
I'm thinking at all.

What are you thinking?

What is this? What is
the rush? Why right now?

Chris.

Yeah. No, it's fine.

- Honey...
- No, you're right.

We should wait. We
should. You're right.

- Caesar, what time you got?
- Ten after two.

All right. Well, as
soon as April gets here,

we're gonna have to run, 'cause
we're gonna miss the movie.

- I'm feeling you.
- Stop feeling me.

So, business has been
going like gangbusters.

- Congratulations.
- Yeah.

I'm destroying those Stars
Hollow middle school kids.

Destroying. Outselling
them by three or four times.

I think it's safe to say they won't be
getting their new gym any time soon.

- You must be very proud.
- I am.

Sure, there's been an increase
in prank phone calls, but so what?

- I can answer the phone all day long.
- I'm sure.

And, so, they've ordered pizzas
to my house, day and night.

You know what? I
love pizza. Bring it on.

They think they're intimidating
me, but I'm not scared.

Twelve-year-olds
don't scare you.

- Not at all.
- Kirk!

I thought I told
you to get lost.

- We want to talk.
- So, talk.

Not here. Outside.

All right. Let's go.

But I'm warning you, if it gets
physical, I will show no mercy.

(PHONE RINGING)

- Hello?
- Hey, Anna, it's Luke.

- Yeah.
- Yeah, I was just wondering

if April took off. She's not
here yet, and she's never late.

- I'm just getting a little worried.
- April's fine.

Is she on her way?

No, she's not coming.

What does that mean?

Luke, you can't just come to
my house, threaten me and then

expect me to send
April off to see you.

Look, things got a little
heated the other night.

Yes, they certainly did, and
frankly, I'm not comfortable

with April being
with you right now.

- Anna, wait...
- No, Luke, I won't,

because this is my
decision. Goodbye.

So, we moved away from a literal
theme as per our star's request.

- Star, that's me.
- Yeah, I got it.

But we did manage to squeeze some
favorite colors out of her, didn't we?

Yellow, like my
sunny disposition.

Not yellow. Buttercup
and butter cream.

Do you like butter cream
and buttermilk, honey,

or would you like
a non-dairy color?

Please say you like them.

- I've coordinated everything.
- It's fine.

So, of course, this area will
be for the tables, as discussed.

The orchestra, excuse
me, band, will be over there.

And, obviously, the
dance floor is right here.

Actually, I'm morally opposed to
dancing, so that's not gonna work for me.

- She's just kidding.
- Uh-huh.

I'm so glad you're here.

Maybe you can help keep
Lorelai's snarkiness in check.

Let's just see what
he's got planned.

So, we still have to
decide on the score.

Have you made a list
of your favorite music?

No list necessary. It's going to
be Burt Bacharach and nothing but.

- Really?
- We'll make a list.

Wonderful.

- Hey, you okay?
- Yeah. I'm fine.

Now, for the fish course, I believe
we have either a Pouilly-Fuissé

or a Muscat, if you
go with the salmon,

and I do think you
should go with the salmon.

Agreed.

Now, as far as the vows go...

I'm sorry. The vows?

- Wedding vows.
- What are you talking about?

They can be traditional,
or you can write your own,

which seems to be the style nowadays,
although if you ask me it's rather garish.

Cecily Pendelem's daughter
actually promised to cook

her husband
lasagna once a month.

Who wants to hear the
word "lasagna" at a wedding?

Well, you make a good point, but
this is not a wedding. It's just a party.

A party to celebrate a marriage,

which is why a simple exchange
of vows is entirely appropriate.

Mom, we agreed to a
party, okay? Just a party.

A wedding is a party.

Yes, but we are already married.

Yes, and no one
got to witness it.

Did it ever occur to you that
your father and I might like

to see our only
child get married?

- Christopher?
- I don't think it's such a bad idea.

- What?
- Might be kind of nice.

Wait a minute. Is this an ambush?
Are you guys ambushing me?

No one is ambushing
you, Lorelai.

The idea of your exchanging vows

in front of all your family and
friends isn't so outrageous.

Mom, the whole reason we
eloped is to avoid the wedding thing.

No, that's not the
reason we eloped.

We eloped because we love each
other and we wanted to get married.

- Well, you know what I mean.
- No, I don't.

- Chris.
- What is the big deal?

The big deal is, I don't want to
do it, and we're already married.

So, that's it.

- Well...
- I don't even know why I'm here.

- It's not like my opinion really matters.
- Of course it does.

You're gonna do
what you want to do.

House, wedding, kids,
it's all your call, right?

Are you talking about
having more children?

- Thank you.
- Wait! Are you pregnant?

- No.
- That's nice.

- What?
- You don't have to act like

it's the most horrible
thing in the world.

Can we not talk about this now?

Why? You don't want to be spur of
the moment? Let's discuss things.

Randall, perhaps we should
give them some privacy.

Of course.

- What is wrong with you?
- What's wrong with you?

You're airing all our business in
front of my mother, of all people.

What is your problem
with a wedding?

- We're already married.
- Exactly, so what's the big deal?

I mean, you planned a whole
huge wedding with that diner guy.

That diner guy?

I'm sorry, should I be more respectful
to the guy who punched me in the face?

Is that what this is about?

No, this is about us.

At least that's what I thought,
but apparently, it's just about you.

What is that supposed to mean?

You know what? I'm
going back to work.

No, no. Christopher, hey.

- So, you want to sue for custody.
- No, I don't want to sue her.

I just want...

This, or something like this.

- So, you want partial custody?
- Is that what that is?

- Yeah.
- Yeah, fine.

Then I want partial custody.

Then you have to sue for it.

- Really?
- Really.

- But, you're not gonna get this.
- Why not?

From everything you've just told
me, this is a best-case scenario,

and I'm not really in the
best-case scenario business.

What does that mean?

It means you haven't been in
April's life for the past 12 years.

But that wasn't my fault.
I didn't know she existed.

- Doesn't matter.
- How can it not matter?

Because she has a
history with her mother.

This is not about what you want,
Luke. This is not about what Anna wants.

The court only cares
what's best for April,

and in these types of cases, they
almost always side with the mother.

So, what can I do?

You can fight. You
can make your case.

Okay.

Okay. What about Anna's history?

- Anna's?
- Any police records? Incidents?

- No.
- Erratic behavior? Drugs? Alcohol?

I don't think so.

So, you don't know.

Well, we'll look into
it. What about you?

Hmm?

- Any record?
- No.

Well, yes, actually.

I beat up this guy's car this
one time. It was no big deal.

Did you attend
anger-management classes?

- No.
- Would you be willing to?

I don't need to.

You might.

Look, I don't want this to
get ugly. I just want what's fair.

Custody battles get ugly, Luke,
and they're not about what's fair.

The truth is, this will be
long, it will be expensive,

it will be unpleasant,
and you'll probably lose.

But if you want your
daughter, it's the only way.

And time is of the essence here,

because once Anna
moves April out of state,

it becomes infinitely
more complicated.

So, I beg and plead with him,
and he says he'll try and come,

but I'm afraid he won't, and
I just can't wait any longer.

So, I take the ticket and I go running off.
And I run all the way back to the theater.

And when I get there, I
burst through the doors,

and there's sweat pouring off
of me and I'm gasping for breath.

- And everybody's gone?
- No, the director is still there.

- No!
- I know, right?

- Can you pass the raita?
- Sure.

So I say to him, "You
have to let me audition."

And he says, "You can't audition,
because the auditions are over."

And I say, "The auditions can't be
over, because I haven't auditioned yet."

And he says, "You're
two hours too late."

And I say, "That's because
I was in a traffic accident,

"and I have the
cop to prove it."

And just as I'm about to say, "And
he'll be here any minute," and, you know,

not really believing it, Officer Frick
comes waltzing through the door.

- No!
- Like Fred Astaire.

- Officer Frick came through.
- Officer Frick came through.

So you got the part?

Oh, no. I was
totally wrong for it.

But Officer Frick introduced
me to his nephew Drew,

and we went out a few
times, so, that was cool.

Lucy, hands down,
that is the best

dedicated-to-my-craft
story I've ever heard.

Why, thank you.

Hard-working and beautiful.
She's something special.

- You got yourself a good one here, Marty.
- Thanks.

Rory's got way better
stories than I do.

Did she ever tell
you about the time

she drove out to her English
lit professor's house in Albany

to replace the last
page of her final?

Well, it was in the wrong font,
and I got an A on that paper.

Wasn't that the professor
who had a crush on you?

Hey, are you saying that
she didn't deserve the A?

I'm just saying the woman is the
object of many strange crushes.

That's not true.

The oddball who works
at Baskin-Robbins?

She can't walk within a block of
the place without the guy running out

with a triple scoop
of mint chocolate chip.

So not true.

Hey, she's something special.

Hey, you know, I put four
pages of endnotes on that final.

I deserved that A.

I'm not saying you're not
dedicated to your schoolwork.

You're the hardest
worker I know.

See, I was always about doing
just enough, or maybe a little less.

Well, look at you
now, Mr. Slaving Away.

It's true. My rep is ruined.

Boyfriend works insanely hard.

Is that true, Marty?

I just have a couple jobs.

Four! The man has four jobs.
And a full class load. It's nuts!

Right, Rory?

It does seem a bit excessive.

- It's not four.
- Four. Rory?

I think so.

Finnegan's, the bookstore,
tutoring and landscaping.

The landscaping is seasonal.
I haven't done that for months.

But you will, and
that will be four.

That's a lot of jobs, my boy.

Hey, I'm just waiting for
that trust fund to kick in.

I got it.

- There.
- Thanks.

So, how did you two meet?

- Tell him.
- What?

- Tell him!
- Why?

He stalked me.

That's charming.

I was playing Portia in The
Merchant of Venice at the rep

and every night, I see
this guy in the front row,

same seat, same intense gaze.

And after the fifth show, I
went up to him and I said,

"Next time I see you, you better bring
flowers or have a knife and stab me."

And...

The next time I saw her, I
had daisies and a butter knife.

Sweet.

I can't believe I don't even
know this. How did you two meet?

Actually, Marty introduced us.

What?

I'm sorry. I can't
be a part of this.

- A part of what?
- Logan.

They've known each
other since freshman year.

I don't understand.

Rory and Marty,
they used to hang out

all the time at Branford
and watch Duck Soup.

What are you talking about?
What is he talking about?

- Lucy...
- You guys know each other?

- Yes.
- It was freshman year. It's no big deal.

You've been keeping
this from me? Why?

I don't understand. You guys
are friends? You know each other?

- I'm sorry, Lucy.
- We just didn't think...

So, you both have been
lying to me about this?

I don't understand.
Why? For what?

- I don't know. I just...
- Oh, my God.

This is so messed
up. I have to go.

Lucy...

What is wrong with you?

I was asked a direct question.
I'm not gonna lie. She's a nice girl.

Yeah, I know she's a
nice girl. She's my friend.

You were gonna tell her anyway.

Not here. Not like this.
You totally humiliated her.

Lucy's humiliated because of
what you and Marty did to her,

not me. I told her the truth,

which is something she
could use a little bit more of

from her supposed
friend and her boyfriend.

I can't believe you're trying to justify
this. What you did was so obnoxious.

I was just being honest.

I'm just gonna head
back into the city tonight.

I've got a lot of
work to do tomorrow.

Fine.

(PHONE RINGING)

Hi. 143.

What?

I want to talk to you, but I'm
gonna lose count, so remember 143.

143 what?

- Soaps.
- What are you doing?

- Inventory.
- At the inn?

No, at the Pentagon. I'm tracking soaps
and nuclear missiles for General Abizaid.

- Isn't it a little late?
- The general's a slave driver.

Mom.

Well, it had to get done at some point,
so I thought I'd do it at this point.

I count better at night.

Okay.

So what's going on? I thought
it was an all-Logan week.

It was.

- Was?
- Boys suck.

- Oh, hon.
- They totally suck.

Sometimes they do.

Tell me it gets better
when they get older.

- It gets better when they get older.
- It does?

Well, it gets more confusing, more
complicated and more complex.

Does any of that sound better?

- No.
- So, what happened?

It was awful.

We went to dinner with Lucy and Marty,
and I told him everything beforehand

about how Marty pretended
that we didn't know each other

- and I just had to go with it.
- Uh-oh.

Yeah. So right in the middle of dinner,
he decides that he can't lie to Lucy,

and he tells her that Marty and I have
known each other since freshman year.

- Yikes!
- I know.

Who does that, right?
Right in the middle of dinner.

He has no reason to be jealous.
I mean, he knows that I love him.

- Of course he does.
- So why would he do it?

I have no idea. Mars
and Venus, you know?

Yeah, see, I don't
think that's right.

Because Mars and Venus
are both planets, right?

So they have
something in common.

I think it's more like
Mars and a bowl of soup.

- Venus and a bowl of soup.
- What?

Venus is the woman.
Venus and a bowl of soup.

- Really, Mom?
- Well, I'm just saying.

So, how's Lucy?

I don't know. Not
good. She ran out.

And I've been trying to call her,
but she won't answer her phone.

I don't blame her. I mean, I
wouldn't want to talk to me right now.

Oh, she'll be fine. She probably just
needs time to cool down. You know?

Yeah, I hope so. I
mean, I feel terrible.

Of course you do. You
want to come home?

I'm about to start
counting dust ruffles.

No.

I should actually probably go
over there and try, you know?

- See if she'll talk to me in person.
- All right. Let me know what happens.

- Yeah, I will. 143.
- Thank you. Sorry boys suck.

Yeah, stupid bowls of soup.

(SLOW SONG PLAYING ON JUKE BOX)

- Hey. Is Lucy here?
- She's here.

Can I see her?

She doesn't want to see you right
now, and, to be honest, neither do I.

Olivia, just let me
explain, please.

No.

- Lorelai?
- Oh, my God!

Mom, you scared me half to
death. What are you doing here?

I want to talk to you, Lorelai.

Is this about the party?

Because I've had a really long day,
and I don't want to talk about the party.

It's not about the party. I've come
to talk to you about your marriage.

My marriage?

Yes, I'm concerned. I
don't like what I'm seeing,

and I've come to offer
you some friendly advice.

Mom, I really don't
want your advice.

- Well, then consider it unfriendly advice.
- Okay.

Christopher is immature, often foolish,
and a little lacking in common sense.

He doesn't always
make the best choices.

Like with me? Are you saying
he chose wrongly in choosing me?

I'm saying he's your husband,
Lorelai, for better or for worse.

- I like Christopher.
- Okay.

I think he's good for you.
But it's not going to be perfect.

He's not perfect, and God
knows you're not perfect.

But marriage is not
about always being happy,

and often it's about
not being happy at all.

It's about compromise,
which is not your strong suit.

Marriage is about swallowing
your pride sometimes,

about doing what he wants.

It's not about winning an
argument, which may make you sad,

because that's what you love,

but I don't want to
see you ruin this.

Marriage is serious business, Lorelai,
and if you don't take this very seriously,

then this whole thing could fall apart
faster than you could possibly imagine.

And he'll be gone, and
you'll be alone again.

A ring is no guarantee.

Sorry for scaring you.

English -SDH