Gilmore Girls (2000–2007): Season 7, Episode 11 - Santa's Secret Stuff - full transcript

The redcoats are coming! The redcoats are coming!
The redcoats are coming!
Hold on there, missy. You gotta put on your jacket first, okay?
- Hi! - Hi!
- I'm so mad at you! - What kind of greeting is that?
What kind of daughter doesn't let her mother pick her up at the airport?
The kind of daughter who parks her car at the airport car park.
I'm the kind of mother who picks her daughter up from the airport.
You know, with flowers and coffee and a fake chauffeur's sign?
Why would you mess with my sense of self?
But my car was parked at the airport car park.
So what? I could have driven to the airport,
picked you up, brought you back, then we both could've driven
to pick up your car and come back here.
Yeah, 'cause that wouldn't be a waste of gas or anything.
Oh, God. Did you pack Big Ben? I still think it was kind of risky.
What's risky?
Well, you spent a lot of time across the pond.
You might get confused and forget which side of the road to drive on.
Yes, it was a narrow escape.
- Hey, welcome home! - The redcoat is here!
- Hi, Dad. - How you doing?
Good.
Hi, little sister. Oh, hello! Okay.
Well, all right.
- So, you made it here okay? - Yeah.
You know, I was thinking, all that time in England,
you might forget which side of the road to drive on.
Hey! Don't steal my material.
- What do you mean, your material? - I just made that joke.
The driving-on-the-other-side-- of-the-road thing? That's my joke.
- If you just made it, you ripped me off. - I ripped you off?
Guys?
That's like saying Lenny Bruce rips off Carrot Top,
or Woody Allen gets his material from what's-his-name,
- the guy with the watermelons. - I did not rip you off.
No way, no how, sister. I made that joke this morning at breakfast.
Remember we were sitting there, we were drinking coffee...
Guys, not that that's not a hilarious joke,
but the guy at the car park made the same one.
Hey, G.G., would you want to take this inside for me?
- Okay. - Come on, Gije.
- What? - You took the Christmas lights down.
I didn't take them down. I haven't put them up yet.
I saved Christmas for you. Before you left,
we said we were gonna wait and do Christmas together.
Okay, yeah, but...
- What are those? - What are what?
Are those a Christmas present from Logan?
No. I mean... Well, yeah, but it's more like a late birthday /New Year's present.
- What? Stop sniffing me! - I smell Christmas cookies.
What? There's no way you can smell Christmas cookies from six days ago.
- So, there were Christmas cookies! - There may have been a little Christmas.
Unbelievable!
London, as a city, is very Christmas-obsessed, okay?
I couldn't help what was going on around me.
But inside, I assure you, I was devoid of the Christmas spirit.
- A complete Scrooge. - I didn't let any Christmas happen.
I grinched it up so hard, I didn't even let it snow.
What? It hasn't snowed yet?
Thanks to me thinking of you and our agreement, our pledge, our oath.
- You stopped the snow? - Yes, sheer force of will.
We said we would have no Christmas so I had no Christmas.
- You must have had a little Christmas. - None.
- What? No presents? - No presents.
- No tree? - No tree.
- No eggnog? - No egg. No nog.
I sat in the dark with the lights off and ate gruel.
- Okay. Mom? - Rory?
I hereby apologize for any accidental Christmas celebrating I may have done.
I am now ready to celebrate Christmas for real.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
Okay!
- So, you stopped the snow? - Yeah, I did an anti-snow dance.
It was humiliating and arduous, but I had made a promise to my daughter.
- Humiliating? - Two words: Coconut bra.
- Where am I taking this? - Living room!
- I love our trees. - Me, too.
- You don't think our trees are... - What?
- Maybe a little homely? - "Homely"?
- I'm just saying... - What? What are you saying?
That our trees are not classically good-looking.
If you were to look up "tree" in the dictionary,
you would not find one of these fellas.
Why would you look up "tree" in the dictionary?
So, we don't have classically good-looking trees.
You don't know what a tree is?
- Come on, look at that tree. - I'm looking.
- That tree has character. - It does.
That tree has earned character by persevering through freezing winters,
- and forest fires, and floods. - This tree's a fighter.
Woodpeckers! I mean maniacal woodpeckers, just pecking at its trunk.
- Survivor. - Peck, peck, peck! Day in and day out.
That tree's a champion.
It smells so good in here with all our trees.
It's like a dozen car air-fresheners.
Just imagine how good it's going to be when all of our trees are in here.
- This is crazy. - Seven trees.
- Which was crazy. - What? Buck a tree.
Dad, we have to have at least one tree in the kitchen.
Yeah, Dad.
- I'm in a forest of crazy. - Buck a tree!
- Genius. - So genius we'd better be careful
or word will get out
and everyone will start celebrating Christmas after Christmas,
which will really drive up the post-Christmas Christmas tree prices.
And then we'll have to keep celebrating later and later.
Yeah. Before we know it, we'll be having figgy pudding in July.
Look! G.G.!
You know who made this? Rory.
Rory made this when she was right about your age.
- That's nice. - Someone's not impressed.
- Well, she doesn't understand abstract art. - Philistine.
Hey, look at this. Here's Santa's costume.
- Wow, that's seen better days. - Why do you have Santa's clothes?
Because I used to do Santa's dry-cleaning.
- You did? - Yeah.
- Wow. - I know.
Okay, everybody can relax! There is now a Christmas tree in the kitchen.
- Thank you! - Oh, my antlers. I love my antlers.
- Oh, neat! Let me try! - Wow! Isn't that good?
On Vixen, on Blisters!
The kid took my antlers. She took my antlers and she galloped away.
All right, now tell me more about London.
Did everything work out with Logan after the whole Marty-Lucy dinner debacle?
Well, I was pretty angry for a while,
especially after he blurted out all that stuff the way he did.
But he apologized a lot and even admitted that he was a little jealous,
- so I forgave him. - Well, that's good.
Yeah. Well, plus, I realized that a lot of it was my fault.
You know, I was Lucy's friend, I should have been straight with her
about knowing Marty. I just can't believe I got suckered into that whole thing,
I mean, for so long. I don't blame her for hating me.
- So, have you talked to her now? - I've left messages.
Oh, hon.
- Wow, look at all this! - Yeah, we have a lot of Christmas stuff.
- Cool, mistletoe! - Where are you going with that?
- I'm going to hang it up in the doorway. - Oh, that's not where it goes.
Where's it go?
We tape it up to one of the blades of the ceiling fan upstairs.
That way, the kissing is more like a sport.
- It's one of our traditions. - That's a tradition?
- Our traditions are very important to us. - What other traditions am I in for?
On Christmas morning, we put red and green M&M's in our cereal.
I'm down with that.
We always string up our stockings on the banister.
Yes, we used to string them up on the traditionally traditional place
of the fireplace, but then there was that fire incident
and they nearly burned to bits.
So now we put them on the little nails on the banister.
Oh, we always go to Weston's for a cup of holiday candy cane coffee,
- which is so delicious. - Delicious.
- And we bake cookies. - You bake?
Well, we put on some Christmas music, drink eggnog,
and we pretend to bake the cookies we actually bought from Weston's.
We do, however, make our own frosting.
We use a handheld electric mixer from the Dark Ages
so that Rory can continue the tradition of licking the beaters.
Yes, a skill which I've perfected over the years.
And then, on Christmas Eve, we leave the cookies out for Santa's reindeer.
Santa prefers gum.
Well, I'm very excited about these traditions but, you know,
because it's our first Christmas together as a family,
I thought maybe it's time to start some new traditions.
- Like what? - Well, for starters, I got us these.
- Wow. - Oh, they're so big and flashy.
- Huh? I got one for each of us. - But we have stockings already.
I mean, they're a little singed from the fire, but they're still usable.
- Yeah, but not stockings like these. - That's true.
All right, this'll be a new tradition. I'm gonna go hang them up.
You know what else we should do? We should go caroling.
- No. - Oh, are you kidding?
Oh, come on. It'll be fun.
Well, it wouldn't be fun for strangers to hear us sing.
- It'd be cruel, that's what it would be. - And embarrassing, right?
Guys, carols are beautiful.
Yes, sir, thank you.
Oh, you.
- I thought we were done with you. - Hi, Michel. Is Lorelai here?
Hey, can you tell Lorelai that someone is here to see her?
Well, this is awfully awkward.
We should make some sort of conversation.
- I see your sense of style has not changed. - Nope.
I've often wondered, does someone in your family own a flannel company, or...
- No. - Oh.
You know what? I cannot do this. Let us just stand here
- and let the awkwardness wash over us. - Fine by me.
- Hi. - Here she is.
It's been a delight chatting with you.
- Yeah. I'm sorry to just barge in like this. - It's okay.
- Can we talk somewhere? - Sure.
Anna wants to move to New Mexico with April.
- New Mexico? - Anna's mother just had major surgery
and she's not doing so well, and Anna wants to be near her, which I get.
It's just, I'd like to see April on some weekends and vacations.
- Of course. - But Anna says no.
In fact, right now she's not letting me see April at all.
So, I have to fight for custody and I'm going to court.
- Wow. - Yeah, it's a whole thing.
I gotta get a lawyer and wear a tie. It's not a whole lot of fun.
- It's good you're doing it, though. - Well, I can't not, you know.
- I mean, I can't not do it. - Right.
So anyway, the court date is coming up
and I need a character reference.
And Liz wrote one, but my lawyer read it and he said it was sweet,
but it was filled with all these weird childhood anecdotes
that I probably don't want to share with anyone,
much less a court of law.
And I need another one, and I just don't know who to go to.
And I know it's an awful lot to ask, and if it's weird or whatever...
- Yes. - I mean, I totally understand.
- Yes. - But, if you could...
- Yes, I'll do it. - Yeah, okay.
All right, well, this is my lawyer's address.
And you can just mail the letter directly to him.
- Okay. - Yeah, and look, if you don't mind,
if you could do it as soon as possible.
I mean, the court date is right around the corner.
- Definitely. - Thanks. Thank you.
- No, you're welcome. - Oh, yeah. Okay.
Well, I'll just... Thanks.
Sure, I'll get right on it. I'll send it to here.
- Okay. - All right.
Thanks. Okay.
Nope, that should do it. Thanks!
It's hard, huh?
- Yeah, the pressure is a lot, you know. - Yeah, of course.
I mean, I just keep thinking that whatever I write
might help save Luke's relationship with his kid,
which is huge and important.
So the pressure's really getting to me. That, and a lack of sufficient caffeine.
Of course. Totally. I mean, plus, I mean, it's Luke,
and after all you've been through, it's gotta be hard.
Well, yeah.
I mean, you're, you know, having to dig up all those feelings for him.
I mean, that can't be fun.
You must be feeling overwhelmed.
I don't really think it's about digging up my feelings for Luke, okay?
I think it's really about writing an amazing letter.
I mean, the stakes are really high for him
and I want it to be something just amazing and powerful.
You know, like Gettysburg Address powerful, or "I Have a Dream" powerful.
So I'm thinking, I'll look a couple of those up online
and just pop the name "Luke" in there and be done with it.
- Sure, I don't think anyone will notice. - All right, back to work.
All right. Good luck.
Is it twins? It's got to be twins.
- Is what twins? - Aren't you...
Pregnant? You think I'm pregnant?
Oh, yeah, because it's not acceptable in this society
to be a plus-sized woman who happens to carry her weight in her belly.
So, you're not... Oh, gee, well.
I need new glasses. I'm sorry.
Of course I'm pregnant. Turkey with Swiss.
- Hey! Hey! What's up with this tip? - Oh, I'm sorry.
This is 50%. I don't need your pity tips, okay?
I'm pregnant, not homeless.
- April! - Hi.
- Hey! Wow, what are you doing here? - Well, I biked over because...
- Oh, my gosh! Lane is gigantic. - Yeah, I wouldn't mention that to Lane.
Hey, did you know the gestation period for an elephant is 22 months?
Yeah, well, I wouldn't mention that to Lane either.
So, what are you doing here? Does your mother know you're here?
She doesn't have a clue.
You see, I told her I was going to spend the whole day
at the Boston Museum of Science with my friend Melissa and her dad.
And it's perfect because Mom confirmed things with Melissa's dad two days ago.
But then yesterday I told Melissa's dad that I couldn't come
- because I'd gotten the curse. - The...
Which was perfect, 'cause you know how awkward men get about menstruation.
Yeah, look, so, it's really great to see you, but this isn't going to work.
There's no way Mom will ever figure it out.
I even read all about the cotton-top tamarin monkeys they have there
and the Van de Graaff generator, so I'll have plenty to tell her when I get back.
Yeah, I'm gonna have to take you home.
- No! - I'm sorry.
Dad, no, please, no. I've missed you so much.
Yeah, well, I've missed you, too.
I haven't seen you in ages and ages. Plus, if you take me home now,
Mom will know that I lied and I'll get into so much trouble. Please?
- I don't know. - Oh, here, this is for you.
Merry belated Christmas. Sorry it looks like this,
I couldn't exactly wrap it in wrapping paper
without arousing maternal suspicions, if you know what I mean.
Thanks. I actually got you something, too.
- You did? - Yeah.
So, are you hungry or what?
- Tuna fish sandwiches? - That's what I was thinking, too.
Come on, let's go upstairs.
- Be very careful with your needle. - I know.
- Okay, because it's really, really pointy. - I know.
Okay, so, what guidelines did he give you?
None. No guidelines. No guidelines whatsoever.
I'm supposed to write a character reference,
so I thought I'd reference his character.
- Sounds like you're on the right track. - No, I'm not.
- Because, it turns out, I can't write. - Oh, sure you can.
No, I can't. I stare at the blank page and I just keep staring and staring,
and eventually I have to get up and lubricate my eyeballs,
otherwise they would fall out of my head like raisins.
Well, are you using a pen? You can't just stare at the paper,
you have to have a writing implement of some kind.
- Look! - Very pretty, honey.
- Hey, what a good job. - You know what I really like?
Your cranberry-to-popcorn ratio. Rory's more of a one-to-one kind of gal,
but I'm like you. I like a lot of cranberry, a little popcorn thrown in for flair.
- Yours is pretty, too. - Thank you.
I have a writing implement.
The problem is that everything I write sounds so schmucky.
I'm sure that's not true. We're running low on cranberries.
"Luke Danes is a highly regarded member of this community.
"Not an ill word can be spoken of Mr. Danes."
It's like I'm some documentary narrator from the History Channel.
And you know what phrase I keep using? "Stand-up."
"Luke Danes is a stand-up guy.
"He's an upstanding member of Stars Hollow. A real stand-up citizen."
People are going to think he's turned into a comedian.
Sounds like you're overthinking this. Maybe if you just put pen to paper...
I tried that. I thought, I'll just sit down and write whatever comes,
no judgment, no inner-critic. Boy, was that a bad idea.
- Really, why? - Because my brain is a wild jungle
full of scary gibberish. I'm writing a letter.
I can't write a letter. Why can't I write a letter?
I'm wearing a green dress. I wish I was wearing my blue dress.
My blue dress is at the cleaners. The Germans wore gray. You wore blue.
Casablanca. Casablanca's such a good movie.
Casablanca. The White House. Bush. Why don't I drive a hybrid car?
I should really drive a hybrid car. I should really take my bicycle to work.
Bicycle. Unicycle. Unitard. Hockey puck, rattlesnake, monkey, monkey underpants.
Hockey puck, rattlesnake, monkey, monkey underpants?
Exactly. That's what I'm saying. It's a big bag of weird in there.
So I think, well, I need inspiration. You know, I need a muse.
Perhaps I need The Muse.
Maybe it would help if Sharon Stone would appear to me
in an alarming caftan and coo inspirational words in my ear.
Just write what you feel. That's all writing is.
Hey, do you think there might be some reason
why you're having trouble with this?
I mean, I would imagine that writing about Luke wouldn't be easy.
- I know, you should write it! - What? No.
Yes, you are a wonderful writer. Everything you write is so good.
Your grocery lists are like shimmering haikus.
You write a pretty mean grocery list yourself.
And it doesn't have to shimmer, it just has to be authentic and real...
- Oh, you know what I'm going to do? - Write my thing for me?
No, I'm going to write a letter to Lucy explaining how sorry I am.
That way she doesn't have to see me and she can just read it and she'll still know.
That's great. And after you do that, you can write my letter for me.
No. This is something you have to write for yourself.
- What letter? - To Santa.
- Wow! - You know what I bet my problem is?
It's the whole writing-by-hand thing.
You know, I think what would help is if I got my old electric typewriter out.
The soothing sound of that irritating buzzing,
- that's what would help. - I'm home!
So, cranberries really stay on the string and popcorn falls right off.
- Hi, sweetie! - Hey, everybody!
- Hey, Dad. - Hi, Dad.
- Hey. - Hey.
- Wow, look at those. - They're for the trees.
- So, what do you have in the bag? - No snooping. This is Santa's secret stuff.
- Lorelai knows Santa. - Oh, yeah?
- She does Santa's dry-cleaning. - Well, Lorelai is a remarkable woman.
- The yellow squash? - Yes, they're a delicacy.
We're going to steam them along with the broccoli.
Is that adult broccoli? Can you do that with baby squash?
- Yes. It's very high in oxidants. - Hey.
- Welcome home, babe! - Welcome home, Lane.
So, we went to the Nature Mart, and guess what we got you?
Turnip greens! Turns out they've got a sick amount of folic acid.
What else did we get? Squash, zucchini, tofu...
Special calcium fortified tofu.
And the calcium's real important
because you're not eating some of your previous calcium sources,
like soft cheese. You're not eating soft cheese, are you?
No. No, I'm not having any soft cheese.
- And no sushi? - And no duck.
We don't want the babies to have webbed feet.
So the duck sushi I had for lunch was probably a mistake, huh?
I'm kidding, Mama. I am beat.
Today at work, it was absolutely ridiculous.
Every other customer was baby crazy.
- I'm gonna tell Luke tomorrow, I swear. - Hon, you should put your feet up.
- I'm fine. - How are your ankles?
- They're fine. - Oh, you know what I was reading about?
Compression pantyhose. A lot of pregnant women wear them
to help with circulation.
How's your bladder? Are the babies putting a lot of pressure
- on your bladder? - What? I don't know!
Well, how many times did you urinate today?
Oh, my God, Zach. I'm so not answering that question!
Here are some new prenatal vitamins we bought you.
I am now going to put them on your bedside table.
- Fine. - You have to take two every morning,
- the moment you wake up. - Fine.
- Maybe I need to make you a chart so... - I don't need a chart.
I happen to know you forgot to take your calcium tablets for two mornings.
- That is not right, Lane. - Mom, are you counting my pills?
Yes, of course.
I'm serious about the whole compression pantyhose thing.
I could totally pick you up a pair. I mean, do I relish the prospect
of being seen skulking around the pantyhose aisle? No.
But I'm sure you don't want varicose veins.
- I don't want pantyhose! - Oh, okay.
I have decided I will make a chart.
I need a piece of paper, a ruler, and some magic markers.
I'm serious, Mom, I don't need... What is that?
Oh, it's the crib we ordered. Isn't it cool? It'll be big enough for both of them.
- Where are my drums? - They're good. They're safe.
We put them in the closet.
The closet? You put my drum kit in the closet?
Well, yeah. I mean, we needed the space
and, Lane, we haven't had band practice for months.
We need to have band practice.
- Sure, and we will. - Now.
Well, if you want, we can call Gil and Brian
- but, I mean, can you even play? - What do you mean, can I play?
- I mean, in your condition. - I can play.
Okay. Cool.
I melted three entire candy canes into this not-very-large cup of coffee
- and still I can barely taste it. - I know.
There's just the vaguest whisper of peppermint.
Peppermint.
I swear, I could get this same effect if I put a blob of Vicks VapoRub on my chest
and drank coffee at the same time.
- Peppermint. - I mean, how arbitrary is it to decide
to stop serving candy-cane coffee the day after Christmas?
Christmas spirit is not something that can be turned off, like a faucet,
- on December 26th. - Yeah, it stinks.
On the plus side, any chest congestion I had
- is now totally cleared up. - Well, that's good.
Well, let's go Christmas shopping!
- Write your letter. - I can't. I need a treat.
This was your treat. Coming to Weston's was supposed to buck up your spirits
and inspire your writing.
No, candy-cane coffee was supposed to be my treat.
This coffee is no treat. Let's face it, this is un-candy-cane-coffee coffee,
and it's totally un-bucking up my spirits. So, it's decided. Let's go shopping.
- Write! - Rory, I can't.
Oh, I have an idea. Excuse me, hi.
- Merry Christmas! - Christmas is over.
Okay. Sue. Pretty name.
I have a hunch that there's some of the secret candy-cane coffee mix
just sitting in the back there, and I wonder if I could make it worth your while
if you and I could come to some sort of arrangement.
Oh, like I said before. We stop selling candy-cane coffee
- when Christmas is over. - Right, I'm not talking about selling it.
I'm talking about maybe if you misplaced a canister or two.
- Misplaced? - Misplaced.
- Honey? - Yes?
- Christmas is over. - Okay.
- Are we going to talk about this? - About what?
- Why are you lying to Dad? - I'm not lying.
Well, he walked into the kitchen earlier, and you, all of a sudden,
started prattling on about popcorn and cranberries.
I wasn't prattling. Come on, let's blow this popsicle stand.
But you're not telling him about this character-reference thing, are you?
- Well, I haven't yet. - And you're not planning to.
- Well. - Well, you're intentionally not telling him.
- That's kind of a lie of omission. - A lie of omission?
Isn't that an Ashley Judd/ Morgan Freeman movie?
Look, Mom, if there was anything to be learned
from this whole thing with Lucy it's that honesty is the best policy.
It's an okay policy.
But how do you expect to have any kind of relationship
if you're not honest with him?
Honey, look, I've been around a long time, okay?
I wore leggings the last time they were trendy,
I knew Tom Hanks when he was a Bosom Buddy.
- I have lived and I have learned. - I know.
And I understand that you value honesty and I applaud that value.
But, sometimes the truth is a little more complicated.
- More complicated how? - More complicated.
Look, we don't have to talk about this.
I know, but I want you to tell me what's going on.
Things with dad are great. They're better than great.
- It's just that... - What?
He's been a bit on edge about Luke, you know.
I ran into Luke outside Doose's the other day
and dad saw me holding Liz's baby and it just wasn't great.
- It wasn't great timing. - Oh.
And, this whole Mom having the "not a wedding" party thing
caused tension and we argued so, I just wanna be sensitive,
and not worry him about something he doesn't need to worry about.
- Well, that makes sense. - Everything is gonna be fine.
- Better than fine, it's gonna be great. - Okay.
Well, you know, Mom, I've been around for a while, too.
I remember Tom Hanks from his Joe Versus the Volcano days.
Yeah. You were, like, five.
Yeah, but the point is, I'm not a kid anymore, you know.
You don't have to create this whole Christmas illusion
where everything in the world is magical and fine. It's okay if it's not.
- You still believe in Santa, though, right? - Your best dry-cleaning client? Of course.
A little to the right. Okay, too far. A little to the left. There!
- How's that? - Good. It really livens up your apartment.
Well, it's a very lively mask. Thanks again, April. I love it.
- I really do. - It's based on my real face, you know.
- Oh, yeah? - I mean, not the outside, but the inside.
I made it in art class and I had to lie still with straws up my nose
while a partner put plaster strips on my face.
- Straws up your nose, huh? - I suffer for my art.
Anyway, this kid Evan? He got Liz Alderman as a partner,
who's a total wild child, and she laid the plaster strips all willy-nilly
and ended up pulling off half his eyebrows.
Oh, that's not good.
Actually, Liz Alderman's on my swim team now.
Oh, yeah?
She's got these really huge feet, which Coach Bennett finds promising.
- Like built-in flippers. - Exactly.
Hopefully, they kick in, no pun intended, before our big swim meet in May.
- May, huh? - May 15th.
Ten different clubs are sending teams. It's gonna be amazing.
You know, I hear they have really great swim teams in New Mexico.
Yeah, right. New Mexico is a barren, dusty desert
and they probably don't even have water to swim in.
No, you know, in hot climates, they actually have more swimming pools.
I bet you a lot of kids there will be really into swimming.
Well, then they're probably too good for me.
I mean, the only reason I get to do so many events
is 'cause everyone on my team stinks worse than I do.
- April. - It's true.
Go on. All right, go ahead and open up your Christmas present.
Are you trying to bribe me out of a bad mood
with the offer of material goods? 'Cause I'm amenable to that.
Wow, A rock polisher!
- Thanks so much! - You like it?
- It's the perfect present! - Well, you hinted at it pretty hard,
- so I figured it might be the right thing. - It is, it is.
But, Dad, I kind of already got a rock polisher from Grandma.
- Oh, well, then it's not the perfect present. - No, it is. It is.
This one looks more powerful than the one I already have.
Plus, I mean, who couldn't use two rock polishers?
- Yeah? - Sure.
You should see my rock collection right now. It's insane.
I've practically got a quarry in my bedroom.
Granite, of course, but also feldspar, quartz, mica, limestone.
- Cool. - I know.
I've been biking over to Beacon Falls
and going rock hunting around Naugatuck River. It's amazing!
The other day, I found an arrowhead in almost perfect condition.
It's so sharp, I think I'd get in trouble if I brought it to school.
You know, if you're interested in arrowheads,
New Mexico has some incredible places to...
- Dad! - Okay, okay.
Let's open this thing.
Hey, I'm done with the lights!
You want to see them now or you wanna wait till after dark?
Oh, I will wait to get the full effect.
- What you got there? - Nothing, just some of Santa's secret stuff.
- Oh, yeah? What'd you get me? - A Maserati.
Oh, that's so sweet of you. It's amazing how a Maserati can fit
- behind a bed like that. - Well, I haven't put it together yet.
Which reminds me, do you have any masking tape I can borrow?
You're going to assemble a Maserati with masking tape?
Don't ask questions, just get out of here!
- It's Santa's workshop. - All right! All right!
Rory! We have to go shopping! Get your dad a Maserati.
So, of course, I spun the record for, like, a week straight,
because who wouldn't want to listen to Art Brut for a week straight?
- Oh, pass me your lyrics. - Yeah, here they are.
Far as I'm concerned, "formed a band" could be the new national anthem.
I swear, I could literally stand and cover my heart if asked.
Brian. Brian.
What's going on here, babe? Everything okay?
You gotta watch the loud noises.
Loud noises? We're about to play rock music, Zach.
- Oh, check out the mandolin! - Yeah, right? She's a beaut, huh?
Yeah, cool. So, what kind of stuff you been working on?
Mostly I've just been messing around. I wrote one song that's kind of
White Stripes' Little Ghost meets the Decemberists meets Gulag Orkestar
meets, like, Losing My Religion meets Jethro Burns
on that Steve Goodman album meets Battle Of Evermore meets The Smiths
meets some other stuff. But I don't know.
- That's a lot of meeting. - Exactly.
Okay, this is eerie. You see the way I'm holding my mandolin
is exactly one of the baby holds I've learned.
See how I have it in the crook of my arm with its head supported?
That's how you're supposed to hold a baby?
One of the ways. Man, Lane, I wish your mom was here.
- This is so totally Rock-a-bye Baby. - Fascinating.
So, wait, there are different ways to officially hold a baby?
Yeah, sure, you got your Hello, world, where you put the baby's back
to your stomach and put your hand under here for support.
You got your Belly Hold, where you put the baby's chest down
along one of your forearms. This is really great for gassy babies.
- Then you got your Fruit Basket, which is... - Finally.
Oh, yeah. Hi, Gil.
- Hey! - Hey!
- How we doing! - Long time no see!
- Gil, how's it hanging? - It's hanging great, my friends.
So, check it out, this is the youngest of my brood, Macon.
- Macon, this is the band. - What up.
So, the sitter flaked and I got Macon the bacon under my wing.
- That's cool. - Sorry for the short notice,
but I figured you guys would be a little more understanding
being that you're in the family way.
Speaking of which, check you out, Lane!
You are some kind of serious fertility goddess.
- Thanks. - Zach! Nice work, man.
So, I thought we should warm up by practicing some of our old songs,
and, then maybe Zach can show us what he's been doing with the mandolin.
The mandolin. Right on!
Oh, man, you got the Alcmere 3000.
- The what? - The breast pump.
I'm psyched you guys picked this one. It's really gentle.
I mean, my wife's got sensitive nipples, this one didn't bum her out at all.
- You use that to pump... - Milk, sure.
That's if you choose to go the breast-feeding route.
You guys! I'm sure Brian is not interested in this.
- Breast-feeding, huh? - Yeah,
I mean, some people go with the formula deal, which is cool, too.
Actually, for baby number two we did use formula.
- Yeah? - I mean, if you use formula,
the old lady can smoke, drink, eat as many tacos as she wants, no problemo.
- You hear that, babe? - Yeah, tacos. Thrilling.
Why can't they make books out of something lighter?
- Lighter than paper? - I'm being punished for being generous.
That's what you get for having so many smart friends.
- So, I think we're doing well. - Yeah, I think we're done.
Oh, wait, Babette! Do we have something for Babette?
The needlepoint pillow with the sassy saying.
Oh, yeah. Hey, you know, it's kind of impressive
when people curse in needlepoint. There's something laborious about it.
And I got cologne for Michel, and the same cologne for my mother.
Weird.
Well, they'll both hate whatever I give them, so I figured,
why spend time picking out doomed gifts.
Then I have whatever Williams-Sonoma sold me for Sookie.
A butter slicer, a bread warmer-slash-wine maker.
- Well, I'm sure she'll love her butter slicer. - If that's even what it is.
I swear, they could attach a stone to a piece of string,
call it a poultry pounder, and I'd shell out 35 bucks.
So, I guess all we need is Dad.
Yeah, I really want to get him something great. We have the sweater.
And the really heavy book.
But, I want to get him something that he'll really love.
Well, we will. I mean we'll find something. We have a whole mall, here,
full of post-Christmas prices. We'll find something.
Guys are tricky, but your dad's really tricky.
I mean, what does he need? What does he want?
- Perhaps, a poultry pounder. - Plus, he is my husband, now.
I've never bought something for a husband.
I wish they had a special store for husband stuff.
- Hey. What do you think? - Maybe.
I think he'd love it. Come on.
Oh, look at this one.
- Doesn't work so good inside, though. - No?
Solar systems, 50% off.
Well, that's not just a post-Christmas sale, that's a post-Pluto sale.
- Poor Pluto. - Oh, poor Pluto.
Hey, it's Luke.
- Hi. I guess we should... - Yeah.
- Oh, hey! - Hey.
- Hey, Rory. - Hey, Luke. Hey, April.
- Hey. - Hey.
- Hi. Hi, April. - Hi.
- So... - Yeah, April just showed up
at the diner today, out of the blue.
You make it sound like Pearl Harbor or something.
No, I mean it was a surprise. A nice surprise.
So, how's it going?
- It's... I'm almost done. - Done?
You're not talking about the letter, you're asking in general.
- I meant, how's it going? - Good. I'm good. We're good.
Hey, so I like your sweaters, they're very festive.
Oh, thank you. It's Christmas for us.
Rory was in London at the end of December,
- so we waited to do Christmas together. - Of course you did.
- Sir? You have a return? - Oh, yeah, yeah.
So, April, how was your Christmas?
Well, I'm 60% atheist and 40% agnostic, so Christmas isn't really a big deal for me.
Oh, really, 60-40, huh?
- More of a Winter Solstice gal? - Exactly.
You went to London by yourself over Christmas?
Oh, I wasn't exactly by myself. I met my boyfriend there.
Meeting a lover in a foreign city. How glamorous.
I can't wait to be grown up and glamorous and be able to make my own decisions
about where I go and when. Being a kid is the pits sometimes.
- It sure is. - Oh, thanks!
What'd you get?
Well, my dad got me the greatest present ever.
A rock-polishing kit. But I'd, kind of, already gotten it from my grandma,
who's very into Christmas. So, we exchanged it for this microscope,
which is also the greatest present.
- Good. - Wow. That's great.
My dad's always been a great gift-giver.
I guess I don't know if I was always considered
so good at picking out presents. Right, Rory?
Oh, no, you've always been great.
- Towels? - What towels?
- You meant well. - You gave her towels?
- For my birthday. - I had them monogrammed.
I thought it was cool.
Yes, you went through quite the monogramming phase.
I believe you received monogrammed pencils, a monogrammed mug,
a monogrammed backpack, and a monogrammed belt.
Well, no one ever tried to steal that belt, and those are my favorite towels.
- I still have the washcloth. - That's hilarious.
Hey, remember the year you got me that unicorn marionette with the purple horn?
- You didn't like the unicorn marionette? - I've never really been that into unicorns.
- I thought you loved that. - I know, because I was being polite.
- Being polite can be dangerous. - Yes, it totally backfired
because for the next five years, I only got unicorn items.
Unicorn sweatshirt, unicorn pencil case, bumper sticker, "I brake for unicorns!"
No, but you were always so nice. You never forgot my birthday,
and every holiday there was a monogrammed unicorn item.
Dad, for the record, I'm not really into unicorns, either.
Oh, I'm glad to know it.
Anyway, we should get going. I gotta get you home, kiddo.
Well, we have to buy up all the Pluto stuff. It's really gonna be a collector's item.
- Sure. - Bye, you guys!
- Bye. Merry Christmas! - Merry Christmas.
- Honey, let me carry that. - No, thank you.
- Lane, come on. - I'm perfectly capable
- of carrying a bag of groceries. - Nutter Butters!
I thought I put those Nutter Butters back on the shelf.
Well, I took them off of the shelf.
You know, your mom doesn't think you should be eating too many cookies.
Enough about my mom, okay? Enough! I'm so sick of her.
Come on, she's been pretty great, Lane. She cooks for us, she cleans for us,
- she's a total fount of baby information. - Well, you know what?
Maybe you should have married my mom then, okay?
Well, I'm sure when your mom was younger...
Hey, I'm just saying, she's a handsome woman.
What? I'm just saying that I bet when she was younger,
she used to look a little like you. Shorter hair, no glasses.
- Maybe a bit more crabby. Maybe. - Well, I'm sick of her.
- That's kind of harsh. - I am. I'm sick of her. I'm sick of it all.
I'm sick of being treated like I'm not a person,
like I'm some incubator whose puffy ankles and varicose veins
and bathroom habits are up for discussion.
On what planet, is it appropriate to ask a person
how many times a day she urinates?
- Well, you can ask me. - I don't want to ask you.
Six times today, so far. I had a lot of coffee.
I'm sick of being told what to eat and what I shouldn't
and what side I should sleep on when I lie down.
I'm a person, Zach. I'm an adult.
I don't want to be hiding things under the floorboards and behind cushions again.
Yeah, that's no good. Plus, we're starting to get ants and mites.
I don't want everything to change just because we're having these babies.
But, things are going to change. There's no getting around it.
Really, really soon, we're going to have two babies.
- Two alive, human sons. - It was such a small window.
A peephole, really.
For years, I was this repressed kid
and then there was the briefest of windows and then slam,
all of a sudden I'm this overburdened mother.
I barely got to do it, Zach. I barely got the chance to be a person.
No, no, you can still be a person. And, you can still be rock and roll.
Having babies doesn't mean you can't be rock and roll.
- I don't know. - Give me a break.
Sonic Youth has a kid and they're still way cool.
Yeah.
And Mick Jagger, that cat has, like 15 kids and he still goes out and rocks.
Yeah, I guess.
For sure, the man rocks hard and then he comes home and makes another kid.
I don't want to make any other kids. Ever.
All I'm saying is we can still go out and play.
I mean, that's kind of one of the cool things about having your mother around.
- Built-in babysitter. - Yeah.
I just don't think I can bear having her around all the time.
What about weekends? What if she hung out with us on the weekends,
and spent the week back at her pad?
- Yeah, I guess that'd be all right. - Let me carry that bag for you.
I had such a good time with you today.
I was thinking that Tuesdays after school, I could tell mom that I have Chess Club
and I really only have Chess Club once a week
but I could pretend it's twice a week.
And so, as soon as school's over, I could bike halfway to Stars Hollow
and you could meet me. I could hide in the bushes
and do some prearranged birdcalls, like a mourning dove or something...
- ...as a signal. - Yeah, I don't think so.
- Or I don't need to do the birdcall. - It wouldn't be right, April.
- It wouldn't. We can't lie to your mother. - But...
Your mother and I are not totally seeing eye to eye on certain things.
And so, we're sort of in negotiations to figure out
how to share our parenting responsibilities.
- Do you have a good lawyer? - A good...
You better have a good one, 'cause Mom hired a shark.
We're going to figure that out. Don't worry about it.
But, the court case is the reason that it's really important
that we do everything honestly and aboveboard.
- Yeah. I guess that makes sense. - Okay.
So, what should we do with the microscope?
Keep it. I'll use it next time I'm over. Soon.
- Okay. - You can set it up if you want.
Just make sure that you always remove the slide
before you rotate the lenses or you can really grind things up.
And always carry it with a hand under the base.
I'll be very careful.
- Bye. - Bye.
Don't forget to put your helmet on.
It's liquid sugar. It's good for you, this stuff.
Hey, would you like the red or the green?
- Red, red is the best? - Is that your favorite?
- That's dripping. - What's dripping?
- I'm not very good at the... - You're making a mess, Dad.
I'm not very good.
- And, what do you say if anyone asks? - We made cookies by scratching!
- From scratch. - From scratching!
- Well, let's hope nobody asks. - Hey, did you want to lick the beater?
- Yeah! - Here you go.
- Hey. - Hey.
We're making some cookies by scratching.
That sounds appetizing. I'm gonna run out for a sec. I'll be right back.
Okay. Hurry back. Christmas in July screening in 30 minutes.
- Thought we'd start a new tradition. - Sounds good.
G.G., we need some of the colors, can you put some sprinkles on that one?
Can you decorate that one?