Gilmore Girls (2000–2007): Season 6, Episode 18 - The Real Paul Anka - full transcript

- Hey, you. - Okay, so, weird dream.
Weird, weird dream.
Weirder than the one where you step into a boxing ring
and your hands are suddenly giant cream puffs?
- Weirder. Scarier. - Let's hear it.
Well, I was home and I was finishing up my usual morning routine.
You know, coffee, shower, and then, picture this, very weird,
I take Paul Anka for a walk.
You walk Paul Anka every day. What's weird about that?
Not the dog Paul Anka. The real Paul Anka.
- Whoa! - Yeah.
- Was he nice? - Very pleasant. Natty dresser.
Then suddenly, he sees something,
a cat or something, and darts right into the middle of the street.
- The real Paul Anka? - The dog Paul Anka.
So, I call him and call him, but he completely ignores me
and runs right into Doose's Market.
You know, you didn't train him well enough.
Too much affection, not enough discipline.
So, I go after him into Doose's, and apparently, he's got a job there.
- The dog Paul Anka? - The real Paul Anka.
You picked yourself some beautiful cucumbers, Mrs. Clancy.
You have the cucumber eye.
So I run out of Doose's, and I'm approaching Luke's apartment,
I guess to get help or something,
and I'm walking to the door, and I open it,
and there's Paul Anka, in front of a microphone, giving a little concert.
- The real Paul Anka? - The dog Paul Anka.
Couldn't have been happy, you interrupting his show like that.
He didn't notice. So I go down to the diner,
and there, lo and behold, is Paul Anka, sitting on Babette's lap.
- Please don't tell me it was... - The real Paul Anka.
Good boy. Who's a good boy?
- This is crazy. - Coming to the end.
So the real Paul Anka looks outside
and there, sitting in the middle of the street,
staring at him, is dog Paul Anka.
So, real Paul Anka gets up and runs out of Luke's.
They're both in the street now.
Real Paul Anka walking toward dog Paul Anka,
dog Paul Anka toward real Paul Anka.
You can sense that something very bad is about to happen when, suddenly,
they meet in the middle of the street and bam,
an otherworldly white light engulfs the whole town,
and there's a loud explosion and two barks and everything goes dark.
- And? - And then I woke up.
- Wow. - Yeah.
- Okay. - So, I guess I was wondering
if you'd heard anything about a small Connecticut town
being sucked up into an evil demon vortex
or cast into the fourth dimension or anything?
- Nope. - Real Paul Anka's still kicking?
Haven't heard otherwise. Check your hands?
- No cream puffs. - I think you're good to start your day.
- Thanks, hon. - Anytime.
Bye.
You're gonna do fine.
- Says you. - And everybody else.
You know the place backwards and forwards, Caesar.
- You never been gone this long. - You're gonna do fine.
- Stop saying that. It's bad luck. - All right. Then you're gonna stink.
You're gonna blow up the stove and give everybody salmonella.
Why do you say that?
Because if it's bad luck to say good things,
it's good luck to say bad things.
- You're rooting for me to fail. - I am not rooting for you to fail.
- Lorelai, tell him he's gonna do great. - And jinx it for him? No way.
- Thank you. - You're both nuts.
I could run the place if you want, Luke.
Let me search down to the very depth of my being
to see if there's even the slightest inclination that I would want that.
- Nope. - Just checking.
- What's that? - I brought it over last night.
I figured you'd need it for hanging stuff.
I'm not bringing hanging stuff.
Well, you should bring some nice clothes, just in case.
I threw in some slacks and your black jacket.
It's a field trip with a bunch of 12-year-olds.
- I'm not gonna need nicer stuff. - Just in case.
It's 10 days of diners and fast food, nothing requiring slacks or jackets.
See, that's what the phrase "just in case" covers.
The times you think you've anticipated every possible need.
All right, I'll bring it.
You know there was a flash flood in El Salvador last night?
No, my Salvadoran paper didn't come today.
- They didn't see it coming. - That's the "flash" part of "flash flood."
So, what do I do if I see a flash flood coming straight at the diner?
Make sure all the customers have settled up.
It's all a big joke to you.
- So you're taking this, huh? - Well, the old one's a mess.
- What? You don't think I should? - No, it's just... Think it's sturdy enough?
Yeah, I think it should be.
Well, it's always best to take something
that a gorilla can jump up and down on and not wreck.
I don't think a gorilla has tested it, but if it busts,
- I'll just pick up something on the road. - That'll work.
All right, I should get going.
Ana's stuck at the house until I pick up April.
Well, let's get you on the road.
It's good timing, too. Caesar's in the back.
Sure you don't wanna reconsider my offer?
I've got a hairnet on me, so I can start immediately.
Offer declined.
- You take that. I'll take this. - Perfect.
Hold up! Wait, wait!
- He's unstoppable. - He's cute.
We need to confirm your itinerary.
As we've done 1,000 times before? Sure. Let's confirm it.
- Today's the kids' math contest in Newark. - Yep.
In my day, you learned two plus two and you stayed home.
Today, they got contests and go on the road,
like they're Metallica or something.
And then tomorrow night's Philadelphia.
- Did I tell you we're dropping in on Jess? - Jess? No.
Yeah. This place he works,
they put out this zine and books and whatever else.
They're having an open house. I'm taking April.
It'll give Jess a chance to meet his little cousin.
Oh. Sounds great.
- So, anywhere in the back? - Anywhere's fine.
Hey, day six, if your cell dies,
is there a phone in Gettysburg I can reach you at?
Yeah, the one Grant used to call Lincoln. Number's in the book.
Good, he's a funnyman today. He's Jerry Lewis.
Caesar, calm down. You're gonna do great.
You're the best cook Luke's ever had.
You so make better pancakes than he does.
- True. - No, he doesn't.
You just have to be confident.
It's just that when I'm working the grill, sometimes I get a locked elbow,
and Luke's the only one who knows how to rub it, to get it working again.
- He rubs your elbow? - It's like a sports injury.
It's okay if it's sports. You wanna step back about three feet
- so I can say goodbye to my girl? - Fine.
- Are you gonna miss me? - Especially if my elbow hurts.
- I'm gonna call you a lot. - Same here.
You know, I was happy when she asked me, but now it just struck me,
I'm gonna spend 10 days with a bus full of teenagers.
I think you're ready.
Thanks for seeing me off.
- Your pancakes are better, by the way. - Thanks.
Don't worry, Luke. Just a momentary panic.
- I'm gonna be fine, I promise. - Good.
Now go back in there and reclaim your turf.
Reclaim my turf?
You're welcome, dear. My name's Kirk. I run the place.
Kirk!
I think I would recommend...
What are you doing, Kirk? You don't work here.
Get out...
That's my favorite hairnet!
I'm bad with names, so help me with the names.
- You ever use mnemonic devices? - Maybe.
They help you remember things.
Like, Curtis Schramm? He's from Kurdistan.
- Really? - No, he's from Detroit.
- That's a mnemonic device. - Curtis Schramm from Kurdistan. Got it.
Jaime Alvarado? Likes to try avocados.
May Chatsworth? Hey, what's fat worth?
All right. Chatsworth, fat worth, Alvarado, avocado and...
- And those are your fellow grups. - The what?
Grownups. You never saw the original Star Trek?
Oh, yes, grups. Yes, I did.
The one in the cords is our math teacher, Mr. Munster.
Good guy. He's a little nerdy.
Likes to wow us with his Chris Rock impersonation.
It's borderline racist.
Let's leave the bags here, get the lay of the land first.
This is pretty much the land.
There must be some kind of check-in point and protocol to follow,
so just stick with me, okay?
Or you just run on the bus. That's a really good thing...
- Hello, there. You our pilot? - Your what?
- Are you the driver? - Me? No.
- I'm Luke Danes. - Oh, you're Luke Danes.
Sorry, we thought you were our driver.
No, no. Sorry. I, you know, I have nicer clothes than this.
- I won't always be wearing these. - That's okay.
I'm Earl Stepton, this is Kelly Turlington,
and you probably know Roy Munster here, your daughter's teacher.
Actually, no. I'm April's new father...
I mean, not new, but new to her, so... Hey.
- She's a bright one, your daughter. - Go figure.
- Hey, Luke! - Yeah?
Some people in here are wondering who you are.
- Well, go ahead and tell them. - That's Luke.
- So, here's the detailed itinerary. - Lunch stops, snack stops...
- Wander time, exploring time... - TV time.
Porn will be pre-blocked at all our lodgings.
- Okay, so, no porn. - Study breaks, check-in with parents...
- Bedtime hours. - So, we go to bed at 9:00?
- The kids do. You don't have to. - Right. But I can.
- Sure. - Okay, great.
Shall we get on board so they don't leave without us?
I still have my bags.
- Okay, see you on the bus. - Okay, see you.
All right, Kelly Turlington from Burlington,
Roy Munster's a punster...
- Hey, you. - Hey.
- You get in late last night? - I was studying.
- Missed my class this morning. - Bummer.
Clock didn't go off. Thought I set it right.
I re-set it. I had to catch up on some sleep.
- I didn't know you set it for early. - Honest mistake.
- Maybe we should get a second clock. - Might be wise.
- Will you be available to grab a bite later? - Maybe.
- Can't see that far into the future? - It's crazy right now.
- I'll check in with you later. - We'll see how it goes.
- Have a good day. - You, too.
- What was all that? - It's all the chemical elements.
At least the ones that have come to Harvard.
Any idea what's going on here?
...14201995611 ...
- That's Frank. - Huge show off.
Always rubbing our faces in the fact that he knows the first 300 digits of pi.
Of course.
- Did you bring my sweater? - I think so.
It's important, Marcia. I need that sweater.
- What is it, your lucky sweater? - No, Freddy.
Is Munster gonna wear that creepy lucky tie of his at competition?
Oh, God, I hope not.
Supposedly, there's lucky underwear to match.
O mental image, be gone.
I heard he lives with his mother.
I heard he plays the trombone for fun.
He's a liar, too. He says he was a Red Sox fan,
but he didn't even know they traded Damon.
Really? He didn't know Damon was with the Yankees now?
Nope.
You see Steinbrenner made him cut his hair?
Yeah, he looks way less scary.
Yeah, less intimidating to pitchers.
It's gonna shave 20 points off his batting average.
- Hey, what's that kid's name? - Freddy. His name is Freddy.
Freddy, Freddy, apple brown Betty. Nice kid.
Yeah, well, I should study.
You got it.
Mr. and Mrs. Moore, your horses are saddled and ready.
Now Cletus is very gentle, but they're both sweethearts.
- Rob is outside to help you get started. - Thank you.
Okay, have fun.
Mrs. Kim, hi.
- You let women ride horses? - Yes.
- I have a request. - All right.
This is a wedding dress.
It's the dress I wore when I married Mr. Kim, 28 years ago.
Khaki with a big zipper down the middle. Fashion is a fluctuating thing, huh?
- The dress is inside. - Right.
I would like Lane to wear it at her wedding.
- Oh, how nice. - But it's a tad big.
Lane is smaller than me.
It might need a hem, and the sleeves should be shortened.
- Makes sense. - I would like you to alter it for Lane.
- Well, of course. I would love to. - Lane would like that, too.
Anything for her.
Alterations should be minor.
Just take it in a little here and there, and that should do it.
Okay. I'll give Lane a call and bring her in for a fitting.
Not necessary. Here's her height and arm length. That's all you need.
- All right, I'll get right on it. - Thank you.
Do they at least ride sidesaddle, the women?
- Yes, every single one of them. - Good.
- Paris? What's going on here? - I just need 10 more minutes.
I took a "delete boring answers" pass
on my interview with Professor Whittington
and ended up with a tidy 16-word piece.
His wife must want to suck a tailpipe every night.
I'm putting stuff back in now.
I meant with the big jar of disgusting insects.
They're fruit flies.
I'm finishing an important paper on population genetics
and I have to monitor how often Drosophila melanogaster do the nasty.
- Gross. - Complain to God, not me.
Well, did you have to bring them into the newsroom?
Well, I can't just leave them home.
They could escape and infest my apartment.
Meaning, they could escape and infest the newsroom.
At least no one sleeps in the newsroom.
And if they bring food and flies get in the food,
maybe that's how they'll learn to follow the "No Food in the Newsroom" rule.
- We don't have that rule. - We should.
- Get them out of here. - I need nine minutes.
- Paris. - Eight and a half.
Come on, you want the interview, I got to keep typing.
- Okay. Nine minutes. - Thanks.
- Hey, chief. Got a minute? - A minute.
- I'm a little confused about something. - How can I help?
I was working on the piece about textbook prices.
You assigned it to me a couple weeks ago.
Wasn't going to earn me my Pulitzer, but I already put a lot of work into it.
I just checked the server and noticed that a piece on the topic's been written.
Yes. It has been.
- Our wires get crossed? - Nope.
- Who wrote it? - I did.
Why?
It's topical, it affects every student. It's an important story.
I wanted to be sure that it would get done.
It wasn't due for two more days.
- I didn't think you'd meet the deadline. - Based on what?
Based on past performance.
Past performance is no indication of future performance.
Wise men call that a sucker's maxim.
I did a lot of research on this thing. I interviewed textbook publishers, authors.
I was gonna get more quotes from students.
I know. I used your research. A lot of it came in handy.
- Really? - The stuff that I could make sense out of.
Good.
Look, you'll get your byline, if that's what this is about.
- You know that's not what this is about. - I thought I was doing you a favor.
Everyone knew I was assigned that piece,
and now they know it's been taken away from me.
Logan, I'm sorry. It's as you said,
our wires got crossed. It happens. Let's move on.
Okay. We'll move on.
- And what's with this? - Keep walking, whitey.
You let fruit flies in the newsroom?
- It's not hurting anybody. - It's disgusting.
- I just need five more minutes. - Don't rush, Paris.
The fruit flies are not hurting anybody.
And Paris is working on something that I'm waiting on.
I would prefer it if she weren't interrupted.
Sorry, Paris.
All right, guys, just remind me, who's allergic to dairy?
Here.
Here you go, no mayo. Who's allergic to wheat?
There you go, Tory, bound for glory.
- And who's low sodium? - Right here.
There you go, apple brown Betty, Freddy, no salt.
- Hey. - Hey.
You know, I'm still mad about that math competition.
You win some, you lose some.
Those buzzers in the countdown round were rigged.
I know they were. The judges were on the take.
He's called a moderator, actually.
Yeah, well, whatever they are, I'm lodging a protest.
- Luke, could we talk for a sec? - Sure.
What's up?
- You know Freddy, right? - Yeah. Good kid.
Well, I like him.
Well, I like him, too. He seems less insane than the others.
I don't mean like him the way you like him.
- I hope. - You've known him longer.
- And I'm a girl. - I know that.
- And he's a boy. - I know that, too.
Oh, you like him! Sorry.
I'm not quite ready to proclaim it to the world just yet.
- Are you old enough to like a boy? - I'm not sure.
I'll have to look it up in a book,
see whether or not you're supposed to like boys yet or not.
- Well, it's a fact, either which way. - Okay, so, what do you want me to do?
For starters, it'd help if you stopped calling him Betty.
Right.
And you sitting next to me all the time is kind of getting in the way.
Oh, jeez. I didn't realize.
I know. You're pretty oblivious.
- It seems like Freddy... - Don't look at him!
Sorry. Just seems like you pay less attention to Freddy
- than any of the other boys. - It's because I like him.
- You like him, so you ignore him? - That's the way it works.
But you're always palling around with Kevin.
- Kevin makes me sick. - I'm confused.
- You're over-thinking this. - I must be.
- Don't look at him! - I'm sorry.
I guess I shouldn't be sitting next to you then, huh?
Maybe not.
- Guess I'll go sit with the parents. - I think that's a good idea.
Okay. Well...
You wanna go back together or should we stagger it a little?
- Give me a four-second head start. - You got it.
- The bottle is dry. - You cannot be out of Wild Turkey.
I've got everything else under the sun.
- Pick one and stop your nagging. - You cannot be out of Wild Turkey.
No matter how many times you tell me I'm not out,
- doesn't change the fact that I'm out. - Hands.
Jerk.
- Hi, everyone. - Hey, Rory. Get yourself a drink.
- Anything but Wild Turkey. - I'm okay.
Yeah, forget it. She doesn't drink on school nights.
I sometimes do.
I'm getting a sense that the woman of the house
had no idea we were going to be here.
- Okay that we're here, love? - Of course it's okay.
Logan, I haven't called you "love" since that sultry night in Bimini.
It's fine that you're here, guys. You're always welcome.
- What's with the maps? - Graduation is imminent, Rory.
So we are planning the ultimate Life and Death Brigade event.
Not only the ultimate, but the penultimate.
Penultimate means next to last, Finn. This is the last one.
I thought it meant "super ultimate."
- How did you get into Yale? - Slept with the recruiter.
- So what's the stunt? - We're flown on a twin-engine plane
to a remote spot in Costa Rica.
We don parachutes, BASE jump off a cliff whose height is...
Exactly 3,624 feet. Unless that's a 2.
We land on the banks of the San Juan River.
Hopefully not in the river.
- Or on the Nicaraguan side of the river. - Or in Panama.
We inflate a raft, white-water three miles down to a meeting point
where a blowout party will take place.
It's a 2, gents. I'm pretty sure it's a 2. Or an 8.
Where do you get the inflatable raft?
One of us will parachute with it in our packs.
Not me. I've got the DVD player.
Not me. I've got the champagne and the bong.
If I take it, it'll crush the cigars.
Stand down, boys. I'll jump with the raft.
You're planning this all very carefully, right?
Luckily, we have a topographical map expert in our midst.
It's a 3. I'm 90% sure.
Why don't you make extra sure you have the right number there, Robert?
Hey, let the man do his thing.
Well, I would if the man doing his thing weren't drunk
and hadn't forgotten to put on his reading glasses.
Oh, my God, I'm not wearing my glasses.
They flew off when you did that impression
of the old guy getting shot by Dick Cheney.
Who's flying this twin-engine airplane?
And who's supplying the parachutes?
I mean, there must be a weight limit to make that jump, right?
Do you guys know what the weight limit is?
So you came home just to piss on the fun?
No, I came home because I live here.
You know, guys, maybe we should resume our planning another time.
Yeah, I guess maybe we should.
- I'll never be able to refold these. - Just grab them and let's go, Robert.
- Okay if I return this another time? - Sure.
Go with them, if you want.
Is it your life mission to embarrass me at every opportunity you get?
It's Robert, Colin and Finn, Logan.
I've seen them all dance naked with their underwear on their heads.
There's no embarrassing you in front of them.
- Well, you embarrassed me tonight. - How?
By pointing out that the stunt you're planning
doesn't exactly sound safe?
It's called the Life and Death Brigade, Rory.
Yeah, and you're supposed to try to avoid the "death" part.
This is not your business. And why aren't you at the paper?
You're always at the paper at this time of night.
- Finished early. - How? You delegate a little?
Let people actually write their own articles?
- That's old news. - It's not old news.
You knew that would embarrass me, and you didn't care.
- Please. - Even when we're together,
you're someplace else.
You leave, and you don't kiss me goodbye.
We're at dinner and you're on your cell phone the whole time.
You never leave notes anymore about where you're gonna be,
so I have no idea where you are. You haven't forgiven me.
What are you talking about?
For the girls I was with when we were separated.
I said I forgive you.
Yeah, you said it, but you haven't, though. You haven't.
I'll be at the pub.
- Lorelai! - Hi, Lane.
- You're in possession. - Of what?
- Of the wedding dress. - Yeah. It's safe and sound.
I was just starting to dig into it.
- Don't dig. Slice, kill, maim, destroy. - What?
Sick a mad pack of wolves on it.
Douse it with lighter fluid and turn it into ash.
- I cannot wear that dress. - Yeah, I know it's a little Old World...
- Have you looked at it? - Parts of it.
Exactly. You can't take it in all at once. The human eyeball is not capable.
- It's not that bad. - It's got pants.
- No! - You didn't look at it very carefully.
Well, I will remove the pants.
It's every girl's dream
to hear the woman altering her wedding dress say,
- "I'll remove the pants." - I'm sure once I alter it a little...
No. Don't alter it. Have an accident. Leave a warm iron on it.
Spill a vat of acid on it. Run your car over it.
Lane, I haven't even put it on the mannequin yet.
Now, let me start work on it,
and I will keep you fully posted every step of the way, and...
- Oh, my God. - What? My mom?
No, my mom and dad. I thought I saw something.
Well, focus, focus. Important topic we're discussing here.
- All right, I got to run. I'll call you later. - Lorelai!
I'm not above bribing.
My God, Lane, don't sneak up on me like that.
- It's all about the Hamiltons, baby. - You can't pay me to ruin your dress.
Look, forget about your parents for a minute and concentrate on this.
Wait, so you saw them, too? I'm not insane.
They've been walking around town all morning.
All morning? Any guess as to why?
- Shred the dress and I'll tell you. - Do you really know why?
- No. - Well, then I'm not gonna ruin the dress.
- Well, I did see them talking to Kirk earlier. - Kirk?
Yeah, and he was wearing his maroon jacket.
His real estate jacket. This is not good. This is not good.
My life is in your hands.
I don't think you're fully comprehending that fact!
I guess I'm going.
Okay.
I'll be out of cell phone range for a couple of days.
I know.
I'll see you.
Kirk?
- Kirk? - Mask!
- What? - Mask.
- What is this? - I've done it, Lorelai.
- I've finally landed my first listing. - What... Where are my parents?
This is the beginning of my rise to the top of the real estate industry.
Where are my parents?
Do you happen to be in the market for a house?
'Cause this baby's a honey.
- Something in the corner just moved. - Just a rat.
I'd have told you about them before you bought the place.
The law also requires me to inform you that the house has toxic mold,
asbestos, methane gas, buckling floors,
a crumbling foundation, visible fungus, a collapsed fireplace,
ceiling damage, water damage,
and it was the recent site of a Wicca convention,
and a particularly grisly murder /suicide. Nothing we can't work with.
I'm not in the market, Kirk. Now, listen.
I know my parents are shopping for houses.
Lane saw you with them,
and I need to know where they are right now.
I'm sorry, that's confidential information.
In fact, the fact that I was with them was confidential,
so I'm gonna have to ask you to pretend
that I haven't already confirmed that I was with them.
- Which I wasn't. - Oh, God! What was that?
Bat. Don't worry.
When you spray for cockroaches, the bats die, too. Usually.
At the very least, it knocks the wind out of them,
so they wind up wobbling on the floor,
so you can just whack them with a hammer. Nothing we can't work with.
Kirk, I am your friend, but they are my parents,
and I need to find them. Right now. It's important.
Well, I shouldn't tell you this,
but I know they were looking at two properties on Maple Drive.
They're probably around there right now.
Too bad I couldn't get them interested in this property.
It has great bones. Literally.
There's an Indian burial ground underneath it.
Thanks. See you.
Don't run! It scares the bat!
- Mom! Dad! - Lorelai.
What are you doing here? Did we have something set up?
- No. - No.
- No. - No? Then what's up?
- Oh, well, we're here to... - Do a little antiquing.
- Antiquing. - Right, antiquing.
We're hitting Litchfield, Woodbridge, Washington Depot...
Well, we have some great antique stores right here in little old Stars Hollow.
- That's what brings us. - So you've been to Madison House?
- Where? - Madison House.
Amazing stuff, lots of colonial.
It's not in my price range, but I love to browse around.
- I'll take you there right now. - I don't know if now is a good time.
- We have an appointment to keep. - An appointment?
I thought you were just walking around, shopping.
We are. We made an appointment at an appointments-only antique shop.
We have those here?
Well, obviously you do, because we have an appointment at one.
- Well, I'll go with you. - They're only expecting two of us.
Well, they can squeeze in one more, huh? I promise I won't break anything.
Come on, take me there.
It's actually not for a while, so we can't take you there right now.
Perfect. Then we'll hit Madison House first.
- It's just a 10-minute walk. Come on. - All right. Lead the way.
Cool. You know, I'd say let's drive,
- but our streets? Forget about it. - What about the streets?
Well, they're clogged, night and day. Yep, total gridlock.
It's not gonna help when they build that big box store.
- They're building a box store? - Yeah, right in the center of town.
- Those things are hideous. - Yeah.
It's gonna wipe out all our local businesses.
This place will be a ghost town. Hold your breath.
God. Sorry, sewer problems.
Well, your public works department needs to be notified.
No, they're on strike. Well, they're always on strike.
- Excuse me. - Allergies?
Meth lab.
- We need our own bar. - You say it like I'm fighting you.
- I'm not fighting you. - Same here.
We need a public place
where the next de Kooning can run into the next Franz Kline
and dis the next Jackson Pollock, while the next Charlie Parker
- shoots up in the corner. - So a nice family place.
I'm not kidding. We'll call it Cedar Bar Redux.
I would kick my own ass if we called it that.
Why don't we call it "Devoid of Original Ideas Poser Bar"?
Go to hell, both of you.
Come back for a hug, man.
Hey, there's Alicia Mattheson from The Weekly.
Grab Matthew. Get him off the bar thing,
have him show her around. It's what he does best.
- Cedar Bar Redux. - Yeah.
- So, my eyes don't deceive me. - First things first. What the hell is that?
- It's an abstract painting. - But what is it supposed to be?
- Check the title. - I did. It's called Untitled.
- There you go. - I give up.
- So you got the invite. - I got the invite.
- Guess I didn't think you'd come. - You guessed wrong, Nephew.
- Cool. So you want the tour? - Give me a tour.
All right, well, this is where we work, Truncheon Books.
There's usually desks and crap piled up everywhere,
but we cleaned up for today.
Those are the books that we put out.
We publish our zine once a month,
except last August when my partner forgot to pay the printer.
We let local artists hang their stuff up without ripping them off on commissions.
We do performances over there.
And a few of us live upstairs.
That you don't wanna see, it's a disaster zone.
- This is yours, right? - Yeah.
I wanted to get it, but I couldn't find it.
Yeah, it's not exactly The Da Vinci Code.
Well, I will definitely get it today.
By the way, that is your cousin.
Right. Liz filled me in on all that. Daddy.
She just calls me Luke. Total brain.
- You confirm paternity? - Don't be a wiseass.
Hey, April. I want you to meet somebody.
Meet your cousin, Jess. He's my sister's kid.
- Hi. - Hey.
- Men in this family aren't chatty. - Sorry.
- I'm gonna go explore a little more. - Cool.
- How you adjusting to all that? - Okay, I guess. I like her.
- But she just sort of tolerates me. - Seems like it.
- Thanks for the perspective. - That's why I'm here.
Come on, got some sculpture over here you're really gonna hate.
That garbage smell.
- What garbage smell? - I don't smell garbage.
Yeah, the wind shifted right after I said it.
Allowing a landfill within a mile of city limits? Crazy.
- It's within a mile? - Yeah. Destroying everyone's land values.
- Well, where'd you park? - Over on Peach Street.
- You mean Carjack Lane? - Carjack Lane?
Yeah, better than Chop Shop Alley. Here, follow me.
Oh, God, watch out for the pothole!
I tell you, the roads are just the things in between potholes in this town, huh?
Oh, dear.
You should talk to your mayor about all these issues, Lorelai.
You mean Gropey McGee? I cannot, will not,
ever put myself in that position again. Mind if we stop by the store?
Well, I'm running low on a lot of basics.
I just wanted to see if they got them in.
This is a cute little store.
Well, if you can be cute and unclean at the same time.
All right, let's see. No. No. No.
Nope, and this is the only store in town.
- What are you looking for? - What am I looking for?
Everything. They have nothing.
The little they have is off brands, which wouldn't be so galling
except everything is so far past its expiration date.
Hey, help yourself to some Little George's Chips. Yum, yum.
Little George? Pass.
Oh, and look, here we have some Aunt Molly's ice cream.
You'll notice there's no picture of Aunt Molly on the carton.
I googled her and got a mug shot. And all I could think was,
I hope she hasn't been selling that stuff to kids.
- Excuse me. Lorelai. What are you doing? - Shopping, Taylor. Why?
You're walking around disparaging my store.
And not only is that insulting,
- it's against the law. - Against the law?
Code 14/B/14
\\\ X-8 states that
a citizen of Stars Hollow cannot denigrate Stars Hollow
while standing on Stars Hollow soil.
It was established in 1792.
The original penalty was death by 40 muskets.
Really, Taylor, you misheard me.
You made a crude joke about Aunt Molly.
Well, you gotta admit, Aunt Molly had it coming.
- I don't joke about Aunt Molly. - Can you say BTK?
As town mayor, I could cite you on the spot.
This is Gropey McGee?
I beg your pardon.
Look at the time. Excuse me, all, will you?
Mom, where are you going?
I'm just going to get something out of the car.
No, Mom, Mom. You don't know the safe streets.
You walk down the wrong one, you die.
Commence writing me up, Taylor.
"Benzedrine and a muscled fist
"Turned to hand, turned to handout Turned fish and loaves
"And a lazy day in Galilee
"Herman Melville, poet, customs officer
"Rubber stamps and Hawthorne daydreams
"Craving Tahiti and simple sun and the light of the Berkshires"
- Is this any good? - I don't know what she's gonna write.
We're not supposed to know what she's gonna write.
She's a member of the independent press.
She played it so close to the vest, you know?
- I hate that. - Go get a beer. Stop obsessing.
"Too soon the butter-soft cries of warning
"Too soon, the caustic light"
Well, isn't this a day of surprises.
"Too loud, the gun"
I didn't RSVP. Sorry.
This isn't an RSVP-type thing. Showing up's cool.
Good thing. So this is Truncheon Books.
- Yeah, this is Truncheon. - I like it.
It makes me feel like I instantly want to create something.
Give me a pen, give me a brush.
It's Luke.
Yeah, there's a definite
Jess Mariano in This Is Your Life vibe here today.
Luke.
- Bicycle? - No.
Rory. Hi. What are you doing here?
- Same thing you're doing here. - Your books are really easy to skim.
- Thanks. That'll make a nice blurb. - I was gonna take off, actually.
I got to get something.
Don't leave till I get back. I'll just be a minute.
Okay.
- You have a great face. - Thanks. So do you.
Yeah, Rory, this is April.
- April. Hello there, April. - Hi.
The famous April.
- I'm famous? - Kind of.
- April, Rory's an old friend... - She doesn't look old.
I mean, I've known her, well, since she was your age.
She's from Stars Hollow.
She's actually the daughter of the woman I'm with, my fiancée, Lorelai.
You met her that one time.
- It's kind of complicated. - I'll say.
You probably wanna get back to that boyfriend of yours, right?
He's not my boyfriend. Jeez.
Hey, Luke, come here.
Here.
Let me buy this so that way you would get the money.
It's okay.
- What's this? - It's what's owed.
- You owe me nothing. - I owe you.
Take it. And if you rip it up, I'm just gonna send you another.
I'm very proud of you, of this, of what you're going for here.
- I don't get all of it, but I'm me. - Thanks.
- ...he said that. - Guys have big mouths.
All I said was that I liked him.
I realized it was a mistake as soon as I said it.
We should get going.
- Nice meeting you. - Nice meeting you, too.
- Good luck with everything. - Good luck with this. Congratulations.
- Okay. Thanks. See you. - Bye.
- So, you here alone? - I guess.
Cool. Come on.
Oh, well, we'll be lucky to get a table.
There's absolutely nowhere else to eat in town,
and even being Luke's fiancée doesn't guarantee me a meal when I want one.
Oh, great, more customers.
Well, there seem to be a few tables available.
None of the good ones, unfortunately.
All right, you phoned Mom, you told her to meet us here.
- What, is she late? - No. She's right there.
All right, what is wrong with this picture?
- They're playing cards. - Yes, I can see that,
- but who is that she's playing with? - I have no idea.
- Do they have ham here? - Ham? Sure.
Get me a ham and Swiss on rye, dry, nothing on it.
- But where are you going? - I'll be back in a bit.
Dad, what... Dad? What?
- Do you have any eights? - Go fish.
Oh, you. I was sure you had eights.
- Hi, Lorelai. - Hi, Mom. What're you doing?
Oh, Cissy and I are playing Go Fish. She's good, too. It's your turn.
- Do you have any jacks? - Unbelievable.
She's won three games in a row. She's a little champ.
- I keep getting lucky. - It's not luck.
You said she was smart, but this is something else.
- You get to go again. - Oh, my God, Mom...
- Do you have any threes? - Nope. Go fish.
- Mom, who do you think this is? - Luke's daughter.
- Isn't it? - No.
You're not Luke's daughter?
I don't believe this. This isn't Luke's daughter.
It's definitely not Luke's daughter.
And here I was, bonding with it.
Who is this? Who are you?
- Never mind, honey. Do you live close by? - Two blocks.
Okay, well, why don't you go home, where it's safe?
Okay.
You're telling me I've played this insipid game
for a half an hour, and it's not even Luke's daughter?
What made you think it was Luke's daughter?
Well, it told me it was someone's daughter here.
Well, she must have meant someone in town.
Well, then she's a moron.
Why would I play cards with her if there wasn't a family connection?
I guess she just thought you were being nice.
The little idiot kept tipping her cards so I could see them,
so I pretended I didn't
and specifically asked for what I knew she didn't have.
- Kid's a moron. - Okay, Mom, she's gone now.
Is it so stupid to think that she's Luke's daughter?
She looks like Luke.
Mom, you can trust me
that there will be no contact between you and Luke's daughter anytime soon.
- What does that mean? - It means that I don't even see her.
- Luke and I have an arrangement. - What kind of arrangement?
Well, he... I mean, you know, we mutually decided
that I probably shouldn't have any contact with her.
What? That's ridiculous.
Well, it is what it is. It's what we want.
Lorelai, you and Luke are in a relationship.
You're going to be husband and wife. And Cissy's his daughter.
No, no, that was Cissy. April is his daughter.
You know what I mean.
You have to have a relationship with this girl.
- It's imperative. - Mom, you don't know the whole story.
But I know your handiwork when I see it.
Playing cautious when you should be diving in.
That girl is his blood relation, and you need to get to know her.
You'll be in her life for the rest of your life.
Well, Mom, it isn't just me...
I can't believe Luke is letting you get away with this.
The sooner you embrace your role in this girl's life, the better off you'll be.
Mark my words.
- Where's your father? - He ran off to something.
That's right. We had another appointment.
I'll find him. Then we have to leave. He needs to get back to work.
- All right, goodbye, Mom. - Goodbye.
You. You could have told me that wasn't Luke's daughter.
I hate customers.
All I'm saying is, control your poet.
- So suddenly he's my poet. - He changed up on us.
He wasn't supposed to premiere new material tonight.
- It wasn't bad. - It was rambling.
It was a little rambling.
What was that whole part about desiring Golda Meir?
Please tell me that was symbolic.
I'll talk to my poet.
We're hitting that bar that we're not going to call Cedar Bar Redux.
- You coming? - Yeah. Maybe.
You know, go on ahead. I'll catch up.
- You know, you don't have to read it again. - I know I don't.
God, there's so many things I would change in it.
- Like what? - I'd keep the back cover.
Everything else goes.
- You know why I love your book? - Why?
It doesn't remind me of anything.
It's not a rip-off. It's just you.
- High praise, Miss Yale Editor. - Yeah.
I don't get to write as much as I would like.
I'm mostly assigning and motivating, handholding and rewriting.
Yeah, and you love it, every minute of it. Come on, tell me you don't.
I do. I do love it. It's exciting.
You look happier than when I saw you last.
I am.
So, you fixed everything?
Yeah. Everything's fixed.
- I'm glad you're here. - Yeah, me, too.
- What? - I'm sorry.
About what?
About coming here, like this.
I just got the flyer, and I don't know, I just wanted to see your place,
but then, this.
It's not fair to you. I'm such a jerk.
I don't know what you're talking about.
And I couldn't even cheat on him the way he cheated on me.
Who? Who cheated on you?
That guy?
- You're still with him? - Yeah.
- I thought everything was fixed. - Everything but him.
- I hate this. - You should. I'm sorry.
You came here alone. To Philadelphia.
- He was out of town. - I don't deserve this, Rory.
No, you don't. You don't deserve it. I just...
I'm in love with him.
Despite all the bad he's done, I can't help it. I'm in love with him.
Love, huh?
Yeah.
I guess I'll call Matthew's poet and have him explain love to me.
- Poets know all about it, right? - They're supposed to.
- Well, I guess I better go. - Okay.
- I'm so sorry I came here. - I'm not.
It's what it is. You, me.
- Where'd you park? - I'm right outside.
If it makes you feel better,
you can always tell him that we did something.
Thanks, Jess.
You know what I thought? I thought an apple stop would be fun today.
- Great idea. - The banana stop was a big hit yesterday.
- I don't see how an apple stop could fail. - Yeah, they loved the banana stop.
So I have these pamphlets for the kids to read about Amish country.
- Should we hand them out now? - I think that's a good idea.
I'll do it. I've got something for April here. I was about to sneak back there anyway.
Thank you, Luke.
Hey, everybody. Sorry to interrupt. I got some pamphlets here,
a little info on Amish country. It's got some pictures,
but we're gonna see it so you don't have to look at the pictures.
Got stuff to read, too, so go ahead and pass the rest around there.
I thought you might need your sweater.
Okay, then, see you.
My dad's ridiculously overprotective.
Ridiculously.