Gilmore Girls (2000–2007): Season 6, Episode 19 - I Get a Sidekick Out of You - full transcript

Very good. Not too spicy.
I pack it very tightly. It strangles the spice.
Well, it's perfect. And we're doing very good on time.
At 4:00, we move on to dumplings!
I'm going to open another window.
Boy, there's a lot of activity down here.
It's going very well. Your Aunt June is a wizard with the kimchi.
- Well, is there anything I can do to help? - No. Go back upstairs.
Read the Bible passages I've underlined.
Lane!
Enough now! Back to work!
Back to work! All of you.
And she will have children in the proper time!
- You, upstairs. - But, Mama...
You come down, cooking stops. Up!
But it's hot up there, Mom. And you know what rises with the hot air?
The smell of 10 pounds of kimchi. I'm getting woozy.
Well, pull your sweater over your face. Just get back upstairs.
Vera Wang calling! Wow, you can almost see that smell.
- Is that the dress? - It is, indeed.
Wonderful! Lane, the dress.
- Well, come on. Let's see it. - Okay.
Hold that thought.
You couldn't have set it on fire?
Dude, there's not enough lighter fluid in the world.
I hope you made a matching blindfold
so Zach doesn't have to actually see me in it.
Now, come on. You're gonna look beautiful.
You have a very pretty face and you have hands and feet.
For some guys, the stuff in between is just annoying.
- Mama? Are you okay? - Yes. Fine.
- What are you doing here? - I brought the dress.
- What dress? - My wedding dress, Mama?
- Oh. Yes. - I was just about to show it to you.
Right. Go ahead.
Now, there were a couple of stains on it, just probably from age,
so I had to make a few minor adjustments, but I think you'll see, all in all,
that the integrity of the dress has remained intact.
Fine. How much do I owe you?
Nothing. Consider it a wedding gift.
Okay. I have to go back to work.
- I will see you and Luke at the wedding. - Yes, you will.
I mean, you'll see me. Luke is out of town.
But I'm gonna take pictures and make him feel really bad he missed it.
- It's a thing we do. - Whatever. Goodbye.
- Did she see it? - I held it up right in front of her face.
But she didn't yell. It's got a waist and she didn't yell.
Well, don't question it. Take the dress upstairs and hide it
till you're walking down the aisle. And even then, walk fast.
- Thank you. - Okay!
Lorelai! Wait! Come back!
- What do you mean Luke's out of town? - Well, I mean, Luke's left town.
He's gone far away from town. Town's there and Luke's over here.
- He's not coming to the wedding with you? - No.
You mean you're coming alone, unescorted?
- Well, Rory'll be there, so. - No, she won't like it.
- Who won't? - You can't come alone!
An unmarried woman, of a certain age, unescorted,
wearing the clothes you tend to wear.
People will think things. Bad things.
- Like what? - Like you're a tramp. And possibly for sale.
Wow. Suddenly, Footloose not seeming so silly.
What are we gonna do?
Well, I guess first of all, we should agree on a price.
You have to find someone to bring you. You have to find a man.
In one day? Are you kidding me?
It took me this long to find Luke.
My daughter wants you at her wedding, fine.
But if you're to come, then you need to come with a man!
And Kirk does not count!
Lorelai Gilmore. Disappointing mothers since 1968.
Phones are ringing, people! Answer them!
Who knows, it could be someone calling with a story!
Wouldn't that be neat?
I thought I told her to cut the second paragraph.
Stacey, I thought I told you cut the second paragraph!
- I forgot. - Good work, Stacey!
- A.K., time? - 3:15.
Okay, everyone, just a reminder that I'm leaving at 3:00,
which is 15 minutes ago,
so if anyone needs anything from me, too bad till Monday.
- My pro-tenure piece. - Okay, thank you.
- And my anti-tenure piece. - Paris, come on.
- Just hear me out. - No.
When I first started writing, I believed, passionately,
that tenure was reward for excellent service
and a way for a school to attract
the very best teachers from all over the country.
- Sold. Let's go with that. - But once I finished writing,
I started thinking about the other side of the argument.
I mean, money and employment for the rest of your life no matter what?
Where's the incentive to keep the standards high?
I mean, remember Professor Levers? He got tenure and lost all interest.
Just sat there, doughy and sleepy.
It was like being taught by Jimmy Kimmel.
Anti-tenure. Stamp it, ship it.
I was thinking maybe you could print both pieces.
- What? - Side-by-side. Like a point counterpoint.
You want me to print a point counterpoint
where both points are written by the same person?
- Bold, huh? - You have five minutes to pick a side.
- A.K., time? - 3:17.
How very All the President's Men. Exciting.
- Just the girl we were looking for. - We have a wonderful idea.
We are going to Costa Rica.
- What? - We're gonna fly out tonight
and meet the guys at the end of their river rafting trip.
We thought we'd set up a fabulous camp,
dress up like natives in grass skirts and coconut bras,
and meet the boys with food, fresh booze, and shaving cream.
What do you think?
I think you should double-check your guide books,
'cause I don't think the Costa Rican natives
- wear grass skirts and coconut bras. - Oh, who cares?
There's only a small window of time where a girl can pull off a coconut bra.
- Well, thanks for the invite, but I can't. - What? Why?
Don't you wanna see Logan after six days without a shower?
Or styling gel?
I have a wedding to go to and I'm leaving in a minute to head home.
- Rats! - Logan will be very disappointed.
Well, I'll hide the soap and the Kiehl's and we can reenact it when he gets back.
I'm feeling a chill from the north.
Okay, well, if you change your mind, and please change your mind, call my cell.
- We leave at 10:00. - Have a safe flight.
Woodward, Bernstein.
Okay, and that's it. Layout's done!
- A.K.? - 3:20.
I'm outie. Jill, proof Paris' piece when it's in.
I can't pick a side. Either way I look at it, I'm right.
I'll see you Monday, Paris.
You know, I hear the weather's supposed to be beautiful tomorrow.
How big a wedding do you think it will be?
I don't know.
Well, I hope it's a big wedding. I love big weddings.
What time are you picking me up tomorrow?
- Noon. - Oh, noon is fine.
That will give me plenty of time to get ready.
You know, I hope you don't stay out too late tonight.
- You'll be tired for tomorrow. - I will not be tired.
I wouldn't drink too much, either. You'll be puffy.
Okay, I'll keep it to a half a box of wine, max.
I'm just saying, tomorrow is a very special day.
You need to be perfect.
- Okay, I'm not getting married, Michel. - Oh, I know that.
But you are going to be with me, and I'm going to look fantastic,
and you know that who you are with is always a reflection of yourself.
And I don't want my reflection to look like Judy Garland, the Mark Herron years.
Michel, stop.
Now, I'm going to be wearing my blue pinstripe.
So if you wear something in an ice blue or... Oh, yes! Silver.
That would look amazing!
No one would take their eyes off of us.
And how delighted the bride will be.
Now, let's discuss dancing.
As you know, I am a fabulous dancer, Deney Terrio level,
and I intend to dance a lot.
It's what I do at parties to compensate for the elevated calorie intake.
- I just shake it all off. - Well, I promise to duck.
I don't understand your attitude!
After all, these are your friends. I don't even know them.
- Lorelai! - Yeah?
Lorelai, help! Lorelai! Oh, my God! Little problem.
- Something went very, very wrong. - Wrong with what?
Remember the dirty cookies I was baking for the bachelorette gift baskets?
Well, they expanded in the oven.
Expanded? What do you mean?
- Oh, dear! - I know.
Hello, Tommy Lee.
I don't know what happened. Too much yeast?
Well, I cannot put those in the bags with the shiny tiaras and the bubble wands.
I know, I know, I know. I'll go try and figure something out.
Okay.
- Hello? - Hey, Lor, you got a minute?
You see? This is what you're up against.
- Yes, I have a minute. - I just got Rory one of those Sidekicks.
Actually, I got it for her a couple of days ago,
so she already has it.
And then I realized it's probably one of those things
I should've run past you.
So I'm running it past you now. Is that okay?
'Cause if it's not, I can take it back.
I'll just say I read something in Consumer Reports about radiation levels.
Chris, honey, we are way past the point where you have to get my permission
to buy your own daughter a gift.
- We are? - Yes! Didn't you get the memo?
Well, you know what a mess my desk is.
I think it's nice that you bought Rory a gift.
Good.
- So, how are you? - I'm great.
Yeah? How's G.G.?
She's... Well, hold on a sec.
- You hear that? - No.
Exactly.
Oh, come on. It's naptime.
Not until 4:00, my friend.
Then she's holding her breath until you buy her a Porsche.
She is in her room, playing with her toys, shining her halo as we speak.
Well, well, well, look who's cracking the whip!
I gotta tell you, that "no" word is pretty awesome.
I can't wait to try out the "you're grounded."
So...
Anyway.
- Lane, I'm here and I... - Move!
- Lane, hi. I... - Coming through!
- Am I here early? - Sorry. Hi! Glad you're here.
What's going on? And where's all your stuff?
My grandma's coming.
Well, geez, how big is she?
She hasn't been out of Korea in 45 years
because she refuses to travel, so we figured there's no way she'd come.
But she called today and she's coming.
So, that's nice. Right?
- Help me! - Coming.
Whoa! Big Buddha.
- Save the commentary. Grab the feet. - Okay.
Be careful! Don't let it drop.
- What happens if it drops? - It breaks!
- Oh, you ask a stupid question... - Down! Here.
I'll have the boys next door bring the other one in.
Did you get the crucifixes out of the kitchen?
- No! - Go! Both of you! Go, go!
Going!
And don't forget the Christ's feet tea towel!
Okay, seriously, you have got to fill me in or I've gotta call my lifeline.
What is with the Buddha?
Apparently, my grandmother's a Buddhist.
- Go hide these in your room. - Closet?
Floorboards!
I don't understand. So your grandma's Buddhist. Why are we...
- Oh, my God. She doesn't know? - Nope.
Your mother's mother does not know she's a Seventh-Day Adventist.
And it would be a very big deal if she found out.
- That is so weird! - Tell me about it.
I just discovered today that I'm simply the latest link in a chain of Kim women
who hide their real lives under floorboards, away from their mothers.
- Lane! She's here! - I want all boys!
Praise Buddha!
- That's your mom's mom? - Yep.
I see the resemblance.
What was that all about?
Three complaints, two insults, and a hefty dose of religious guilt.
- What are they doing now? - The ritual of 108 bows.
Should be called 108 "ows."
Oh, my mother would've liked that one.
It's kind of hypnotizing if you stare at it long enough.
Oh, shoot. We have to go.
Mama?
Mama, we have to go. The bachelorette party?
We're meeting the others at Doose's.
Eighty-eight to go.
Okay, so, I'll see you later. Bye.
Ladies! Ladies, please, I need your attention.
Very serious subject here.
Now, I need to do a quick check to make sure we've got all of our supplies.
Rory, read off the list.
- Beer. - Check!
- More beer. - Check.
- Pretzels and beer. - Check.
Various chocolatey treats,
alternative alcohol for those who don't like beer,
- and beer. - Check!
- List complete, Sarge. - Excellent.
Now, we are about to commence the first leg of our evening.
Our dear friend Lane is about to get married,
and it is our job to make sure we give her one night and one headache
- she will never forget! - Hear, hear!
Now, our first stop is the Black, White and Read Bookstore,
where we will sneak in our booze, our treats, and proceed to get drunk,
and watch tonight's feature, American Gigolo.
Featuring a little full frontal from Mr. Gere himself.
All right, let's go to the movies!
To the movies!
Wait for me! Sorry I'm late.
I had to wait for Mother and the two Mrs. Kims to sleep
before I can climb down tree to meet you.
Luckily, all that bowing makes them sleep like dogs.
It's okay, Kyon. We were just leaving.
Oh, good. I had to get out of house.
Stinks of kimchi and incense. You can't breathe!
There's Buddhas everywhere staring at you.
What?
When did you start double dressing and... Avril Lavigne?
Avril Lavigne rocks!
You are such a snob. If it's not Joy Division, you no like it.
Well, you can't dance to Joy Division.
They're crazy. My whole family is crazy.
Well, welcome to the club. We'll get sweatshirts.
- Secret admirer? - It's Dad.
He gave me this thing as a gift, you know.
However, he also got himself one,
and since then, he's been texting me every five minutes.
It's insane.
You should've told him "no" when he ran this past you.
I think it's nice you have a real daddy-daughter thing going on here.
Oh, yeah, he's shopping for celery at the supermarket.
- They're running a special. - He's just excited.
Yeah, well, now he's in the canned peas aisle.
Apparently, he doesn't like peas, but he does like pea soup.
Interesting, no?
- No! - All right. Give me that.
Okay. "Your daughter is about to see Richard Gere's penis.
"Enjoy your celery." That should shut him up for a while.
That's gotta be some sort of record.
I don't understand. I checked the time of the movie twice.
Well, the paper probably printed it wrong again.
We could've just gone in.
No, too risky! No way to know if we'd missed the money shot.
And American Gigolo without the gig-o-down-low is pointless.
So what should we do now?
Oh, well, we could kill some time till the next showing.
Sure. That's only 45 minutes.
- So, where should we go? - We could get some coffee.
Par-tay!
Well, maybe we could play a game. I do that with the kids and time flies.
I don't really think peekaboo's gonna fly, Sookie.
Well, we could make it more adult, you know.
"Peekaboo, take a shot." That could be fun.
- Hey! - Hey.
Didn't expect to see you guys here.
Well, we were gonna see American Gigolo, but we missed it.
- I swear I checked the time twice. - We believe you, Sookie.
- What are you guys doing here? - We just came from Del's bar.
It closed early 'cause it's Del's wedding anniversary.
Del's is closed? Shoot. We were gonna go there after the movie.
Well, we could go to the Chimney Sweep.
- No. Burned down last week. - Ironic.
We could drive over to Beacon Falls.
- Anything open there? - No.
We could go to my aunt's house. She's got a rec room with a record player.
No way. That's completely lame.
Which one's American Gigolo?
Is that the one where you see Richard Gere's johnson?
'Cause that seems a little weird for a bachelor party.
No! We are not doing this!
- Doing what? - We are supposed to be getting wild
at separate bachelor and bachelorette parties.
We cannot be bumping into each other all night long.
Lady's right. Come on, men. Let's go find something wild to do.
- Yeah! - All right!
Okay, you guys. We are looking pathetic now.
All right? We are young, temporarily-single girls on the prowl.
There's plenty to do tonight that we can be mortified about tomorrow.
Well, t-shirts and tiaras are a start.
Exactly. All right, ladies, come on. Let's go find us some fun!
Five more seconds.
- That's it. Anyone? - Nope.
- Nope. - Let's do it.
Hi, are you Brian's aunt?
Oh, you must be Lane. The boys are downstairs in the rec room.
- Sounds like they have foosball! - Foosball's fun.
- Bachelorettes in the house! - Hey, boys!
- Dad's feet are two different sizes. - Oh, for the love of...
Hey, which one says, "Hi, I'm not a whore, enjoy your day"?
- The pink one. - Thank you.
Do not talk. We're going to be late.
I talk fast. It's my gift.
- Hello? - I just got tickets to Celine Dion!
- What? - My friend Tessa just called
and told me she has front row tickets to Celine Dion and I am going with her!
Well, that's great.
I have been waiting forever to get this close to Celine.
Oh, my God! I'm shaking like a leaf.
What should I wear? What would Celine like me in?
I don't know, Michel, but I'm on my way to pick you up, so...
Oh, no. Don't bother. I'm not going to the wedding.
- What? Why not? - Because I am going to Celine Dion!
Hello, what have I been saying to you?
No, Michel, you have to go to the wedding.
Oh, sorry, I cannot.
But, you've already seen Celine Dion.
Only five times, and never in the front row.
I was in the balcony with the riffraff and the people who sneak in pot.
Michel, you have to go. I need an escort.
Find someone there. That's why single women go to weddings.
I am not single! I'm engaged!
Lorelai, I'm sorry. In the future I owe you some kind of a favor,
but tonight you're on your own.
- Michel... - I must go.
I'll bring you a mouse pad. Bye-bye.
Michel is going to the Celine Dion concert.
- Bummer. - What am I supposed to do now?
Mrs. Kim made it very clear that I was not to show up without a guy.
This is ridiculous. And even when I have a man,
I'm still the girl who doesn't have a man!
This sucks.
I've known Lane since she was a little kid.
She spent more time at our house than at her own,
and now I'm gonna miss her wedding? Fraking Celine Dion!
You want me to see if Dad can go with you?
- What? - I've got him right here.
He's turning left on Main and he found a Buffalo Head Nickel
in his glove compartment.
No. I don't know. It's Saturday. I'm sure he's busy.
He just left the hardware store and now he's parked on the side of the road
trying to decide how many tacos he wants.
I vote three 'cause two just never seems enough.
Okay, fine, so he's not busy. But the wedding is starting in 45 minutes!
- He can be here in 20. - Seriously?
Wow. Four tacos! Quite a man, my father.
So? What do you think? Should I pull the trigger?
- Tell him to bring me a taco. - Will do.
- "T-P-T-D-I." - What's that mean?
"Totally psyched to do it."
He's making up his own acronyms?
Yeah, and he just learned how to make the happy face.
Sorry, kid. What can I say? He was really hot in high school.
- Hey. - Hi!
- Sorry I'm late. - Forget it. I can't believe you're doing this.
My pleasure. Wow, you look great. Do I look okay?
This is the jacket I had with me in the car.
- Yeah, you look fine. - Hey, check it out. Buffalo Head Nickel.
- Oh, great. Let's go. - Go where?
Excuse me. Hi. Mrs. Kim? I'd like you to meet Christopher Haden.
He's Rory's father and a man.
Did that really need clarification?
She instructed me to bring a man today.
I just wanted to show her that I can take direction well.
You never know who knows Spielberg.
Why'd you have to bring a man?
Because an unmarried woman, alone, of a certain age, dressed the way I dress,
apparently is Korean for Jenna Jameson.
- Where's Luke? - Out of town with his kid.
Oh. Well, then, lucky me. I always wanted to meet Jenna Jameson.
- There they are. - Yes, all nice and proper.
- Hey. - Hey!
- This is very impressive. - It's a Buddhist wedding.
- Is the Dalai Lama coming? - Yes, he's having the chicken.
It must be starting. You guys should stand over there.
- Okay, we'll wait for you after. - Did you not get it?
"He's having the chicken"? Dalai Lama's a vegetarian,
so, obviously, he's not having the chicken.
Sorry. Should I have texted it to you instead?
The universal sounds of family.
Go!
- Hey! - What the hell is happening?
Are there bulls coming out of there?
We would've heard the china breaking.
- My God! - Why aren't you running?
- Why should we be running? - To get to the church!
- For what? - For the wedding.
I thought this was the wedding.
This was the grandmother's wedding. Now we do the mother's wedding.
- But why do we have to run? - Because there's 58 seats and 62 Koreans!
Oh, boy. Go!
Don't slow down.
- My shoes are slippery. - Suck it up!
Hey. Hi, Christopher!
Chris, you remember Sookie and Jackson?
- Yeah. Nice to see you again. - You, too.
- Nice day for a wedding. - Beautiful.
- Perfect weather. - Why are we running?
Fifty-eight seats, 62 Koreans.
- Block for me, baby! - I'm on it!
What do you see? Do you see anything open?
We'll take two and two. Two and two is fine.
- We can find four together. - I don't think we can!
Wait, I see something. Patty! Patty!
Oh, hi, honey. What a pretty dress.
Oh, the things you can pull off with that body.
- These all taken? - No, I just thought I'd save some in case.
Here, come sit.
It's a madhouse in here. How did you get all these seats together?
Honey, I've been here all night.
- You're kidding. Why? - Fifty-eight seats and 62 Koreans?
Please. Carrot sticks?
- God, look at me. I look like a bride. - You are a bride.
- I feel so weird. - I want a picture.
Of me feeling weird?
No, of me standing next to you while you're feeling weird.
- Everything all right? - Yeah, Mrs. Kim, everything's fine.
The dress looks different.
Really? Does it?
Everything looks different through the eyes of a bride.
- Rory, can you excuse us a moment? - Sure. I'll be right outside.
Mama, is something wrong? 'Cause the dress...
Forget the dress. Sit down, please.
Lane, I have something very upsetting to talk to you about.
- What? - It concerns the wedding night.
- Oh, boy. - Yes. Oh, boy.
Marriage is a job, Lane.
There are rewards that come with this job, but there are also sacrifices.
There are things you're going to have to do.
- Things? - Terrible things.
- Mama, you don't have to... - You need to hear this.
You need to know what to expect. It will start early.
- What will? - The man's expectations.
It starts early. At the wedding, actually.
At the wedding you're going to have to kiss him.
- Mama... - You will then be expected
to share a bed tonight. And when you're in that bed,
- you're expected to... - Mama, please.
You're going to have to do it with this boy, Lane.
You're just going to have to do it.
Hopefully, if you're lucky like me, you'll only have to do it once.
You know, I remember the day I met Lane.
It was Rory's first day of kindergarten,
and she insisted on wearing my Chico and the Man t-shirt,
which I thought would either elicit confused shrugs
or label her as the weird '70s sitcom kid.
And we walked in the classroom and Lane came running up to her
and offered to share her crayons with her. And I was so grateful,
'cause I thought even if Lane turned out to be a psycho-bad-seed-serial-killer kid,
at least Rory had a friend.
Who knew it would turn out to be a lifelong friendship.
Well, they're young.
There's plenty of time for them to have a stupid fight and screw it up.
This is the first one of Rory's friends to get married.
Yeah?
You know, Rory could be next.
Yeah.
- Congrats, man. - Thanks, man.
That's just the way I like them. Short and in a language I can't understand.
I thought it was beautiful. What an elegant dress!
Oh, yeah, the dress did look nice, didn't it?
- I'm gonna go call the babysitter. - I'll go with you.
We have this new babysitter.
She's 17, sweet as can be, perfect student, references up the wazoo.
She seems absolutely perfect in every way!
Well, she's probably a crack head.
- Thank you. I'm calling right now. - I'll go with you.
- Let's go find the bar. - Right behind you.
It was awesome, man.
Just flowed right down to the ground. Majorly comfortable.
There's a reason Buddhists are so peaceful.
You have to see it.
Hey, I'm just happy to have another married guy around.
Hey, just 'cause I'm married now,
doesn't mean we're gonna have any Dr. Phil moments.
Just wait, my friend.
Just wait till the first time you don't bring home the dry cleaning.
Dude, this is my day. Can we not talk about dry cleaning?
- Absolootie. - Thank you.
So this robe, it must be made of silk 'cause it is so soft.
Silk, huh? Bet it's hand wash only.
Well, that definitely was not the bar.
- Maybe it's over there. - No, that's the gift table.
- Did we try behind the church? - Twice. There has to be a bar.
We called Darla, if that is her real name, and apparently, everything's fine.
- Hey, where's the bar? - We were just wondering that ourselves.
There you guys are.
I was very proud of the lack of heckling coming from your section.
Yeah. We were real good. Now where's the bar?
Don't say that so loud.
What? No. No way! No bar? Are you kidding?
- Mom. - What? They don't have to drink it.
Well, if we can't drink, we might as well go get something to eat.
- That food is not for you. - What?
Hold on. Is this the "not married" thing again?
Did you tell them I'm engaged?
Engaged has got to be worth a sparerib.
What the hell are they doing?
Well, there's something you don't see every day.
- Wow. We just made it! - Yes. They really cleaned us out.
Let's see the bag. Nice haul.
I can't believe your friends gave me all this money.
They are good people. They know you're a good girl.
- Lester Shin probably stiffed you. - That's okay.
I can take those checks back home. Put them in the safe for you.
Sure. That'd be great.
- It was a very nice ceremony. - It was.
- The second one. - I know.
Thank you for doing two ceremonies.
It was very important to your grandmother.
It was fun! Made my wedding seem a little more special.
Well, it's good you see it that way.
All right, well, all my guests are gone. I'm going home.
- Are you sure? - Yes. I'm very tired.
I'm going to go home and go straight to bed.
Okay.
And I'm going to wear earplugs tonight.
The good ones that expand in your ear, so I won't be able to hear anything
that might be going on out in the street at all hours of the night.
Thank you, Mama. For everything. And look at it this way.
You're not losing a daughter, you're gaining a son
who likes to wear a dress.
- He had better make you happy. - He will.
Don't let him take pictures in that thing.
We're on, boys!
Excuse me. Where do you want it, sir?
Close, dude. Really, really close.
Roger, Wilco. Drop it and stock it, boys!
Excuse me. Hold on a second.
There's something wrong with your dress here.
Got it!
Yes! My wife's got legs, so let's get this party started!
Two Manhattans, extra cherries.
- Excuse me, Rory? - Yeah, Kirk?
I have to ask you something.
Do you think he's yummy enough?
- Who? - Troy.
- The bartender? - Yes.
See, I put this company together
for the sole purpose of bringing truly yummy bartenders
to the lonely women of Stars Hollow.
But they really have to be yummy.
I'm talking mouth-watering, tasty morsels of manhood.
Which, by the way, was the original name of the business,
but it was already taken by a firm in Woodbridge.
- Really? - Yeah.
Now, when I first met Troy,
I thought he was the epitome of "yummy," you know?
But now I see him in the moonlight and I'm not so sure.
Oh, I wouldn't worry about it, Kirk. I think Troy is plenty yummy.
- You do? - Yeah, I really do.
- Can I go now? - Yes. Thank you. Enjoy your evening.
Yes, hi, is Sookie or Jackson there?
No. All right, well, just tell them Lorelai called.
Thank you.
- Well? - She didn't sound drunk at all.
But she sounded like there was a guy there, right?
- No. - What about a pimp? Did you hear a pimp?
Yes. I heard a pimp. But he sounded like he had a heart of gold.
I don't understand. She's too perfect.
- Who's too perfect? - You are. Oh, extra cherries. Cheers!
Cheers.
Rory, your father has something he wants to tell you.
Yes. I just wanna apologize for my Sidekick stalking.
I realize now that I have a problem.
Which is the first step to recovery.
The second step is that he's now given the Sidekick to me.
- No! - Yes!
That's worse!
"Hi, Rory? What are you doing? What are you wearing?
"What are you thinking? What about now? Do you miss me?
"Do you think I'm pretty? Where do babies come from?"
- Thanks a lot, mister. - Hi!
Hi! Well, hello there.
Kudos on the hot dogs, by the way.
- Zach's idea. - Lane came up with the fries, though.
You are so perfect together.
- You having fun? - Yes. A little too much fun.
We actually thought we should make the rounds
before we're too toasted to remember who you are.
And who are you?
Zach, this is my dad, Christopher. This is Zach.
- Congratulations, man. Nice weddings! - Thanks, dude.
Hey, I wanna take a picture of everyone with Lane and Zach.
Oh, God, I hate the paparazzi.
Come on, get in the picture. Say cheese.
Cheese!
- Thank you. - Okay.
We should go. We have six more tables to hit.
If we forget to say it later, we are really glad you came.
- Later. - Bye.
I'm out.
- Let me see the picture. - No, you'll delete it.
- Not if it's good. - You erase every picture I take of you.
No. Only the ones where I look like Rhoda.
- You never look like Rhoda. - Occasionally, I look like Rhoda.
Fine, here.
- Wow, you have a lot of pictures. - I like proof, okay?
Whoa! Go back!
- What? - Flip back! Who's that?
That's me with April.
When did you meet April?
When I went to Philadelphia for Jess' open house.
Jess? Philadelphia? What am I missing here?
Nothing. Jess' work had an open house, I was invited and I went.
And Luke showed up there with April. It was a total fluke.
I... God! I didn't know you were seeing Jess.
Well, I'm not seeing him. We're just friends.
- Does Logan know you went to see Jess? - No, Logan was in Costa Rica.
- I swear. Nothing happened there. - Okay.
Just met April, took a picture together? Like you're pals.
I swear, Mom, it was a crazy coincidence.
I'm sorry I didn't tell you. I just... I felt so weird about it.
Oh, sure. I get it.
Look, it's not like Luke was trying to introduce her to me.
I walked in, they were there.
Yeah, right. Okay. Fluke.
- Are you okay? - I'm fine.
I'm gonna get another drink. Do you want anything?
Okay. I'll be right back.
What's up, Stars Hollow!
Who likes my robe?
Thanks. I'm liking it myself.
Okay,
tonight is not only the night I married the coolest girl on the planet,
it is also the world premiere
of the newly-reunited Hep Alien!
It feels great to be back.
I swear. Nothing happened.
I know what I saw. He put fruit in your drink. Lots of fruit.
I asked him for the fruit. I was hungry.
Attention, party-goers and revelers!
As I have just recently fired all of the "Yummy Bartenders,"
from now on, the bar is serve yourself.
- Kirk! - Too yummy. Way too yummy!
Kirk, this is crazy! Why are you acting like this?
Boy, I tell you, if you have to get married, this is the way to do it.
"Have to get married"? Oh my, so cynical and jaded.
- Well, we can't all be cool like Zach. - I think they're really happy.
Good, that's the way it's supposed to be.
- I'm glad I came to this thing tonight. - Me, too.
- So, where's Logan? - Oh, he's in Costa Rica.
Costa Rica? Work? Play?
- Play. Always play. - Really? What's he doing?
Oh, he's gonna jump off something
and raft down somewhere, climb up a thing,
swing around on a vine, stuff like that.
Listen, I want you to know that I like him.
I like him and I like you and I like you and him. Together.
Well, good.
I just want you to know that I approve.
Dad, it's not like we're getting married.
But if that changes, I just want you to know...
- That you approve. - Yes.
You know, it's been a while since I partied like this.
I used to be much better at it.
Well, maybe Logan can give you some tips when he gets back.
Hi. I'm Brian Fuller, bass player for Hep Alien and best man.
All right. I wanna say a few words about Zach.
I've known Zach for most of my life. I've been his roommate and friend
and I just have to say, I think Lane has something very, very wrong with her.
Boo!
- Time for the toasts. Excuse me a minute. - Absolutely.
- We are doing shots. - For 20, apparently.
Pass the salt.
You know, I'm a respectable man, Lorelai. An upstanding citizen. I'm a father.
- I know. This is how you became one. - Well, you got me there.
So, in closing, Lane, if you ever wanna see a picture of Zach trying
to shove 14 ping pong balls in his mouth, I have it.
To Lane and Zach, may they stay together forever.
Otherwise, Hep Alien is screwed!
To Lane and Zach!
- To Lane and Zach! - To Lane and Zach.
- Great toast, Bri. - Yes. Excellent.
Seriously, dude, I need those pictures back.
Hi, everyone. I'm Rory Gilmore. I'm the maid of honor.
- To Rory! - To Rory!
I'm not one for speeches.
And I don't have any incriminating pictures of Lane to share.
But, I do have this letter.
This letter was written in 1995 by one Lane Kim.
It was slipped into my hands during a spelling test in Miss Mallen's class.
I was so shocked by its contents that I missed the word "automobile."
O-T-T-O-mobile. That's right, Lane. I remember.
I will now share with you the contents of this letter.
"Dear Rory. How was your lunch? Mine was bad.
"Did you have ham again? If you did, I am sorry. But mine was worse.
"I thought you should know that today at recess
"I decided that I'm going to marry Alex Bacos.
"He has a very nice head
"and his ears don't stick out like Roddy Winston's do.
"I will love him forever, no matter what. See you at Brownies. Love, Lane."
I'm sorry, Lane. I just thought that Zach should know that in your heart,
he will always be second place to Alex Bacos
and his well-proportioned ears.
It's true.
- Come on. You're behind. - Oh, I'm gonna sit this one out.
Well, that's fun.
But the bottom line is, I love you, Lane. Congratulations.
To the bride and groom!
- To the bride and groom! - Bride and groom!
- Where you going? - I wanna give a toast.
Congratulations.
Hello. Everybody, hello.
Some of you know me as Lorelai Gilmore.
And some of you know me as Cher.
But either way, I wanted to say a few words about our girl.
I have known Lane forever
and I'm just so incredibly happy
that she has gotten married.
I mean, I am just so happy
that this adorable 22-year-old girl
has gotten married.
Because it's amazing, you know?
It's really hard to get married.
Believe me, I should know.
I mean, seriously, because Lane is married
and next thing, it'll be my daughter,
and then my granddaughter, but not me.
I'm not getting married.
No. It ain't for me. It's not in the cards.
But, hey, do you know what date I'm not getting married?
June 3rd. Do not save the date!
Do you hear me? Do whatever you want on June 3rd,
because there's nothing at all happening on that day.
If there's anything you need to book or anything,
it's totally safe to book it on June 3rd!
So, congratulations, Lane and Zach.
Who else here had eight shots of tequila? Anybody? Hands.
No?
Oh, my gosh! Who misses the Yummy Bartenders?
I know. Me, too. They were so great.
I was gonna ask them to not work on June 3rd on my not wedding.
They just thought that would be so fun.
Hi, Chris.
Hi, Rory. Hi.
- How about some coffee? - What? Okay.
Well, I guess we're going over here.
Totally perfect wedding.
Get her over to the couch.
Man, I must say,
when your mom does something, she commits.
Just prop her up. I'm gonna make some coffee.
You know, hon, if the two gallons we poured down her throat at the wedding
didn't do anything, I'm not sure what two more cups will.
Hey, no one knows how to wrangle the full powers of the coffee bean
like a Gilmore.
Just prop her up. She hates to get pillow face.
Pillow face. Got it.
Hello?
Logan's hurt.
- What? What do you mean? Is he all right? - I don't know.
That was Colin and the line was bad. Something happened on the trip.
They're airlifting him to a hospital in New York.
- Oh, boy. - Well, I gotta go.
I wanna be there when he arrives.
Yes, go. I can take care of your mom.
Leave her a note that I'll call her from the hospital.
- I will. Go. - I'm going.
All right, Calamity Jane, let's get you to bed.
- No. - Yes.
Hello?
Hey.
What time is it?
Yeah.
I...
No, Luke, it's fine. I'm glad you called.
Yeah, the wedding was great. She looked beautiful.