Gilmore Girls (2000–2007): Season 5, Episode 3 - Written in the Stars - full transcript

SHAKEN, NOT STIRRED,
PLEASE, JEEVES.

HIS NAME IS ROBERT.

I THOUGHT EVERY
BUTLER'S NAME WAS JEEVES.

HE'S NOT A BUTLER. HE'S A VALET.

SO HE PARKS YOUR CAR?

NO, HE DOES NOT PARK MY CAR.

HE DOES EXACTLY
WHAT YOU SEE HIM DOING.

SO HE'S A BARTENDER.

HE ATTENDS TO MY NEEDS.

SO HE'S A GEISHA.

YOU'LL BE QUIETER ONCE
YOU HAVE A DRINK, I ASSUME.

SO, YOUNG LADY,

YOU'RE STARTING YOUR
2ND YEAR OF YALE THIS WEEK.

YEAH. I MOVE INTO
BRANFORD ON MONDAY.

YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE
BRANFORD COLLEGE.

THAT'S WHERE I LIVED, YOU KNOW.

I KNOW.

IT'S THE OLDEST OF YALE'S
RESIDENTIAL COLLEGES.

THEY HAVE THESE CARILLON
BELLS THAT ARE ENCHANTING,

AND IT HAS, WHAT WAS
CALLED BY ROBERT FROST,

THE MOST BEAUTIFUL COLLEGE
COURTYARD IN AMERICA.

WELL, I'LL TELL YOU
WHAT, GRANDPA.

I'LL GET SETTLED IN AND THEN
WE CAN HAVE LUNCH THERE.

NOW, THAT'S A DEAL.

YOU WANTED ME TO REMIND YOU

THAT YOU WERE GOING TO BRING
OUT THE HUNGARIAN CHEESE, SIR.

YES, I DID. I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

THIS IS CRAZY.

WELL, IT DEPENDS ON,
YOUR DEFINITION OF "CRAZY."

I, FOR ONE, FOUND THE MARIAH
CAREY PHONE MESSAGES TO HER FANS

JUST REFRESHINGLY IMAGINATIVE.

WE'RE HAVING DRINKS
IN THE POOL HOUSE. YEAH.

THE LAST TIME I WAS
IN THE POOL HOUSE

WAS THE LAST TIME
I WAS IN THE POOL.

I KNOW, I PUSHED YOU IN.

SO, GRANDPA'S ACTUALLY
LIVING OUT HERE?

LOOKS LIKE.

DO YOU THINK HE'S HAPPY?

I DO. I THINK HE'S
VERY HAPPY OUT HERE

WITH HIS BOOKS AND HIS
SPECIAL FRIEND ROBERT.

DON'T BE GROSS.

WHAT? I'M JUST SAYING, 2
GROWN MEN OUT HERE ALONE

WITH HUNGARIAN CHEESE
AND SWIM TRUNKS...

OH, JEEZ.

DON'T BE SO PURITANICAL.

AFTER ALL, HEATHER
HAS 2 MOMMIES.

ALL RIGHT, WE HAVE
CHEESE, WE HAVE DRINKS.

DO YOU EACH HAVE A COASTER?

KIERKEGAARD. SCHOPENHAUER.

EXCELLENT.

YES?

DINNER IS SERVED
IN THE MAIN HOUSE.

I WILL TELL MR. GILMORE.

DINNER IS SERVED
IN THE MAIN HOUSE.

OH, WE HAVEN'T
FINISHED OUR DRINKS YET.

BUT THE MADAM IS READY NOW.

WELL, LADIES, IT'S
BEEN A LOVELY EVENING.

UNTIL NEXT WEEK.

HOLD ON, DAD.

UM, THANK YOU, GRANDPA.

YEAH, THANKS FOR
THE CHEESE, DAD.

BYE.

SOUP IN 100-DEGREE
WEATHER. COOL.

I HAVE THE
AIR-CONDITIONING ON, LORELAI.

I LIKE IT, GRANDMA.

OH, MY GOD, THE SUCKING UP.

STOP IT. THANK YOU.

IT'S FENNEL-POTATO PUREE, WITH
A TOUCH OF CHILI TO GIVE IT SPICE.

I THOUGHT WE COULD GO MORE
EXOTIC NOW THAT IT'S JUST US GIRLS.

IF YOU REALLY WANT AN EXOTIC
GIRLS' NIGHT OUT, MOM, LET'S HIT BAJA.

SO, RORY, TELL ME, WHAT'S NEW?

DIFFERENT ROOM, SAME REACTION.

OH, NOTHING MUCH. REALLY?

WHAT WAS NEW 20 MINUTES AGO?

EXCUSE ME?

WHAT DID YOU TALK ABOUT
WITH YOUR GRANDFATHER?

OH, WELL...

I MEAN, JUST BECAUSE HE
GETS YOU FIRST IN THE EVENING

DOESN'T MEAN YOU GET TO WASTE
ALL THE GOOD STORIES ON HIM.

I DIDN'T WASTE... SO, YOU JUST
TELL ME EVERYTHING YOU TOLD HIM

EXACTLY AS YOU TOLD
HIM, LEAVE NOTHING OUT.

OK.

WELL, I'M MOVING INTO
BRANFORD COLLEGE ON MONDAY.

YOU KNOW, ROBERT FROST
SAID THAT BRANFORD HAS

THE MOST BEAUTIFUL COLLEGE
COURTYARD IN AMERICA.

HMM, YOU DON'T SAY?

YOU KNEW THAT? NO.

HE TOLD YOU THAT? NO.

YOU'VE ALREADY DISCUSSED
EVERYTHING THERE IS TO DISCUSS.

YOU'RE ALL TALKED OUT.

WE'RE NOT ALL TALKED OUT, MOM.

HE GETS YOU FIRST,
TALKS YOU OUT,

AND I GET 2 EXHAUSTED,
EMPTY SHELLS.

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?

I NEEDED TO GET
SOMETHING OUT OF MY STUDY.

YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN THE
POOL HOUSE. THAT IS WHAT WE AGREED ON.

I AM IN THE POOL HOUSE.

OH, REALLY? RIGHT NOW?

NO, NOT RIGHT NOW. I TOLD
YOU I HAD TO GET SOMETHING.

WELL, YOU SHOULD HAVE
CALLED. MADE AN APPOINTMENT.

TO GO INTO MY OWN STUDY?

YOU DON'T LIVE HERE
ANYMORE, RICHARD.

WHAT IF I WAS SITTING IN THE
LIVING ROOM, STARK NAKED?

YOU'VE NEVER BEEN IN THE
LIVING ROOM, STARK NAKED.

YOU'VE NEVER BEEN STARK NAKED.

WE WENT SKINNY-DIPPING ONE
NIGHT, AND YOU WORE AN OVERCOAT.

THE WATER WAS FREEZING!

CRAZY.

YOU SAID IT, PATSY CLINE.

♪ IF YOU'RE OUT ON THE ROAD ♪

♪ FEELING LONELY, AND SO COLD ♪

♪ ALL YOU HAVE TO
DO IS CALL MY NAME ♪

♪ AND I'LL BE THERE
ON THE NEXT TRAIN ♪

♪ WHERE YOU LEAD,
I WILL FOLLOW ♪

♪ ANYWHERE THAT YOU TELL ME TO ♪

♪ IF YOU NEED, YOU
NEED ME TO BE WITH YOU ♪

♪ I WILL FOLLOW, OH ♪

♪ WHERE YOU LEAD,
I WILL FOLLOW ♪

♪ ANYWHERE THAT YOU TELL ME TO ♪

♪ IF YOU NEED, YOU
NEED ME TO BE WITH YOU ♪

♪ I WILL FOLLOW WHERE YOU LEAD ♪

OK, BUT THINK ABOUT IT.

WHY DO WE NEED THE WORD "POTTY"?

IS IT REALLY THAT MUCH HARDER FOR
A KID TO LEARN THE WORD "BATHROOM"?

I DON'T KNOW.

"TIMMY, DO YOU
HAVE TO GO POTTY?"

OR "TIMMY, DO YOU HAVE
TO GO TO THE BATHROOM?"

SEE? INTERCHANGEABLE. NOT
EXACTLY INTERCHANGEABLE.

HOW ARE THEY NOT
INTERCHANGEABLE?

TO GO POTTY IS AN ACTION.

TO GO TO THE BATHROOM IS
TO GO INTO A SPECIFIC PLACE.

I HATE THE WORD "POTTY."

WHAT DID YOU TEACH
ME TO SAY? "BATHROOM."

YOU DID? YES, OF COURSE!

I'M 2, I COME UP TO YOU AND I SAY,
"MOMMY, MOMMY I HAVE TO GO TO THE"...

THE ROOM WHERE LEGENDS DIE.

WHAT CAN I GET YOU?

A FOSTER HOME.

YOU'LL THANK ME ONE DAY. HI.

I'M WORKING. COME ON.

THIS IS THE BEGINNING OF A RELATIONSHIP.
YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO ACT STUPID.

I'LL DO THE CHICKEN DANCE ON MY
LUNCH BREAK. HEADING BACK TO SCHOOL?

YEAH, SOPHOMORE YEAR.

ANYTHING YOU WANT, ON THE HOUSE.

I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU WON'T FLIRT
WITH ME IN FRONT OF MY DAUGHTER.

SHE'S GONNA THINK THERE'S
SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME.

PLEASE. I GOT THAT CONFIRMATION
LETTER A LONG TIME AGO.

SCRAMBLED EGGS WITH CHEDDAR
CHEESE AND HALF BACON, HALF SAUSAGE.

I'LL HAVE THE SAME,
AND PUT IT ON HER TAB.

YOU GET YOUR OWN TAB.

OH, THANK GOD YOU
DON'T HAVE A LATIN ACCENT,

OR YOU'D BE
COMPLETELY IRRESISTIBLE.

COFFEE WILL BE
READY IN A MINUTE.

UH, BE BACK IN A SECOND.

YOU GESTURED?

THOSE JEANS ARE
REALLY WORKING FOR YOU.

YEAH? THEY'RE
WORKING FOR ME, TOO.

YOU'RE FLIRTING WITH
ME. SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

FINALLY. DO IT SOME MORE.

YOUR SHOES WORK WELL WITH
THAT SHIRT. GEE, CARSON, THANKS.

THAT'S ALL I CAN DO RIGHT
NOW. PEOPLE ARE WATCHING.

OK.

BUT TONIGHT I WILL GIVE YOU
MY EXTREMELY POSITIVE VIEWS

ON OTHER ASPECTS OF YOUR BEING.

TONIGHT? ARE YOU FREE?

YEAH, I'M FREE. GOOD. 7:30.

WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?
I'VE GOT SOME THOUGHTS.

ALL RIGHT, BUT NO TAKING ME
TO AN ART MUSEUM AFTER HOURS

AND THEN TO AN EMPTY
HOLLYWOOD BOWL,

WHERE YOU GIVE ME A
PAIR OF DIAMOND EARRINGS

YOU BOUGHT WITH
YOUR COLLEGE MONEY

WHEN ALL THE TIME YOU'RE REALLY
IN LOVE WITH YOUR BEST FRIEND,

THE DRUMMER, WHO'S POSING
AS OUR DRIVER FOR THE EVENING.

OK, I'LL THINK OF
SOMETHING ELSE.

SO, WHAT DO WE SAY? SAY?

TO PEOPLE, TO THE TOWN.

DO WE TELL THEM WE'RE DATING?

I DON'T KNOW. DO
WE? I DON'T KNOW.

I GUESS WE COULD KEEP
IT QUIET FOR A WHILE.

WE COULD IF THAT'S
WHAT YOU WANT.

NO, THAT'S NOT WHAT I WANT.

WHY DON'T WE
JUST PLAY IT BY EAR?

YEAH, YEAH, PEOPLE WILL KNOW
WHEN THEY KNOW. SOUNDS GOOD.

OK, SO, 7:30? 7:30.

YOU GONNA WATCH
ME WALK AWAY? YEAH.

I'LL ADD A LITTLE
JAUNT TO IT FOR YOU.

WHAT WAS THAT ALL ABOUT?

WE WERE JUST TALKING
ABOUT OUR DATE FOR TONIGHT.

A REAL DATE?
FINALLY! YEAH, FINALLY!

WHAT ARE YOU GONNA WEAR?

UM, GLASS SLIPPERS, A
BACKWARDS BASEBALL CAP...

AND NOTHING ELSE. EXACTLY.

I'M VERY EXCITED. ME, TOO.

HEY, HAVE YOU TALKED TO... NO.

DO YOU THINK YOU'RE
GOING TO BEFORE YOU...

OH, FOOD. THANK GOD. HOT PLATES.

SEE? HE CALLED ME "HOT
PLATES." HE SO LIKES ME.

JEEZ.

THE MAIL MUST BE HERE. THE
FARTHINGTONS' DOGS ARE APOPLECTIC.

RIDICULOUS CHOICE OF ANIMAL.

A VICIOUS 3-INCH BALL
OF HAIR AND A BOW,

A RIDICULOUS PINK BOW,
FOR THE VICIOUS KILLERS.

"OH, WATCH OUT!

"CECIL BEATON AND
THE DUKE OF WINDSOR

ARE HEADED STRAIGHT
FOR MY SHOES!"

THANK YOU.

I'D LIKE SOME COFFEE
WHEN YOU GET A CHANCE.

DID WE EVER HEAR
BACK FROM MR. GILMORE

ABOUT THE HEART
ASSOCIATION LUNCHEON?

I TOLD HIS VALET ABOUT IT.
AND WHAT A HELP THAT WAS.

WELL, CALL HIS VALET BACK
AND TELL HIM I NEED A MEETING

WITH MR. GILMORE THIS AFTERNOON.

YES, MRS. GILMORE.

THANK YOU.

OH, SHUT UP!

CAREFUL. IF YOU STAIN THAT,

MY GRANDMOTHER WILL
HUNT YOU DOWN AND KILL YOU.

I WISH THAT I WAS KIDDING.

I'LL GET THE DOOR.

RORY!

MARTY, HI!

IT'S NICE TO SEE YOU!

SO, ARE YOU LIVIN'
HERE? I'M LIVIN' HERE.

THAT'S GREAT. SO AM I.

OH, SORRY. I HAVE
TO LET THESE GUYS IN.

SO, HOW WAS YOUR
SUMMER? I MET NICOLE RICHIE,

AND THEN SPENT THE
NEXT 6 WEEKS SHOWERING.

IT SHOULD BE OPEN.

DOOR'S LOCKED.

OH, REALLY? SORRY. I THOUGHT
THAT PARIS WOULD BE HERE ALREADY.

NICE ROOM.

I CAN'T BELIEVE I
BEAT PARIS HERE.

I MEAN, NORMALLY, SHE WOULD WANT
TO GET DIBS ON THE BEST ROOM FIRST

AND... AND SET UP THE FURNITURE
EXACTLY THE WAY SHE WANTS IT.

MAYBE SHE'S JUST LATE.

PARIS IS NEVER LATE.

PARIS, HEY, IT'S RORY.

RORY. HELLO.

I'M IN OUR ROOM AND I
WAS JUST WONDERING

HOW I COULD HAVE BEAT YOU HERE.

I'LL BE THERE LATER.

ARE YOU OK? YOU SOUND FUNNY.

ASHER'S DEAD.

WHAT?

HE DIED.

2 WEEKS AGO.

IN OXFORD.

OH, PARIS, I'M SORRY. HOW?

HEART ATTACK. IT WAS QUICK.

HEART ATTACK?

YES.

UMM, IT WASN'T
DURING, UMM, WAS IT?

NO, RORY.

THIS GREAT MAN WAS NOT
BROUGHT DOWN BY MY VAGINA, OK?

OK. UH, SORRY. I
JUST... THAT'S TERRIBLE.

HE WAS TEACHING A
SHAKESPEARE CLASS.

A MIDSUMMER NIGHT'S DREAM.

HE WAS DOING PUCK, AND
THEN SUDDENLY HE WASN'T.

OH, MAN!

AND THE CLASS WAS SO INTO HIS
READING, THEY DIDN'T EVEN GET IT.

THEY THOUGHT HE WAS ACTING.

IT WAS DICK SHAWN
ALL OVER AGAIN.

WHERE ARE YOU?

I'M IN HIS FLAT, TRYING TO GET
HIS EFFECTS SQUARED AWAY,

AND, OF COURSE, HIS FAMILY IS
ACTING LIKE SPOILED CHILDREN.

ALL THEY CARE ABOUT
IS WHAT THEY GET.

IF I HAVE TO MODERATE ONE MORE
ARGUMENT ABOUT THE CHIPPENDALE DESK,

I'M GOING TO FREAK OUT.

AND THE LAWYER HANDLING
HIS AFFAIRS IS A MORON,

AND DON'T EVEN GET ME
STARTED ON THE FUNERAL.

HE WANTED TO BE CREMATED BUT IF YOU'D
SEEN HOW FILTHY THAT CREMATORIUM WAS...

SO I SHIPPED HIM TO CAMBRIDGE WHICH APPARENTLY
IS KNOWN FOR ITS CREMATION FACILITIES.

AND THAT WAS A
TRANSPORTATION NIGHTMARE,

AND, OF COURSE, HIS DAUGHTER
WAS UPSET WITH THE MOVE,

BUT WHERE WAS SHE
AT THANKSGIVING, HUH?

IS THERE ANYTHING
I CAN DO TO HELP?

NO. THANKS.

I'M SAD.

I KNOW.

BYE.

BYE.

ASHER FLEMING DIED.

IN BED? NO.

DAMN. I LOST THE POOL.

ARE YOU SURE?

JERRY FOUND HER BIRTH CERTIFICATE
STASHED IN HER BATHROOM.

I AM NOT SURPRISED.

SHE KNEW WAY TOO MUCH ABOUT
SUSHI TO BE FROM KENTUCKY.

HI, LADIES. WHAT'S
THE DIRT TODAY?

JERRY CUTLER'S
NEW WIFE, ANNABEL.

OH, THAT NAME ALONE...

TURNS OUT THE 24-YEAR-OLD FORMER MISS
MAGNOLIA BLOSSOM HAD A LITTLE SECRET.

WHAT?

HER BIRTHDAY!

SEEMS THAT 24 IS
ACTUALLY CODE FOR 36.

NO!

YEP. JERRY, THE MORON,
WOUND UP WITH A TRAMP

WHO'S ACTUALLY A YEAR OLDER
THAN THE WIFE HE DUMPED HER FOR.

YOU GOT TO LOVE THE KARMA.

HMM, HOW'S JERRY TAKING IT?

HE'S GETTING HIS EYEGLASS
PRESCRIPTION CHECKED.

C.N.N.'S GOT NOTHING
ON YOU GALS. SEE YOU.

SEE YOU LATER, SUGAR.

SO, YOU HEARD THAT MARILYN
HORNE IS ACTUALLY A MAN?

I'M NOT SURPRISED.

I SENT THE CHECK OFF TO
THE LANDSCAPER A WEEK AGO.

HE CLAIMS HE HASN'T RECEIVED IT.

WELL, HE'S LYING.
SHALL I TELL HIM THAT?

I WILL STOP PAYMENT ON THE
CHECK AND ISSUE ANOTHER ONE.

FINE.

NOW, THERE'S THE ISSUE OF THE
GREGORYS' COCKTAIL PARTY ON THE 4TH.

EVEN THOUGH THEY DID MISS
OUR CHRISTMAS PARTY LAST YEAR,

YOU ARE CURRENTLY INVOLVED IN
A BUSINESS DEAL WITH HAMILTON,

SO ONE OF US SHOULD
PROBABLY ATTEND.

JANCY WILL DEFINITELY
WANT YOU TO BE THERE.

FINE. I'LL GO.

NO, THAT'S ALL RIGHT. I SHOULD
GO. FINE. THEN YOU'LL GO.

THOUGH I HAD TO GO TO THE
NEWMANS' ZOO AUCTION LAST WEEK.

FINE. THEN I'LL GO.

NO, IT'S MY BUSINESS.
I'LL GO. FINE.

UNLESS YOU WOULD LIKE TO GO.

MOVING ON TO THE SUBJECT
OF YOUR CAR... EXCUSE ME?

YOU PARKED THE
CADILLAC IN THE DRIVEWAY

WHEN YOU WORKED
ON IT THIS WEEKEND,

AND IT LEAKED OIL
ALL OVER THE PLACE.

IT'S A TINY STAIN, EMILY.

IT'S A LARGE STAIN,
AND I SEE IT EVERY DAY

WHEN I WALK IN AND
OUT OF THE DOOR.

REALLY? YOU CAN SEE THE DRIVEWAY

WITH YOUR NOSE WAY
UP IN THE AIR LIKE THAT?

I APOLOGIZE. THAT
WAS UNCALLED FOR.

I THINK YOU SHOULD RESTRICT YOUR
CARS TO THEIR GARAGES AT ALL TIMES.

I WILL PARK MY CARS
ANYWHERE I LIKE.

YOU NEVER USED TO LEAVE YOUR
CARS IN THE DRIVEWAY BEFORE.

I PARK THERE WHEN
I WORK ON THEM.

WELL, WORK ON THEM
SOMEWHERE ELSE.

LIKE WHERE? WHAT ABOUT
THE FILLING STATION?

IT'S ALREADY FILTHY THERE.

ARE YOU SERIOUSLY SUGGESTING

THAT I DRIVE A PRICELESS
ANTIQUE CAR 12 BLOCKS AWAY,

PARK IT NEXT TO A BROKEN-DOWN
CHEVY, AND DO MY RESTORING THERE?

YES.

SO THIS IS THE WAY IT'S
GOING TO BE FROM NOW ON.

I SUPPOSE IT IS.

A FILLING STATION WILL BE FINE.

THANK YOU.

I SUPPOSE WE SHOULD
DISCUSS THE INSURANCE PAPERS.

I SUPPOSE WE SHOULD.

I MEAN, I ALWAYS THOUGHT I
LOOKED A LOT LIKE MY UNCLE JERRY

AND, GEE, MOM SEEMED
TO REALLY LIKE HIM.

I CANNOT BELIEVE THIS.

AFTER ALL THIS TIME, YOUR
MOTHER TELLS YOU NOW.

I SWEAR MY DAD LOOKED
RELIEVED. HE DID NOT.

I HEARD HIM SAY, "PHEW!"

OH, THAT IS AMAZING.

SO, WHAT DID YOU
DO OVER THE SUMMER?

WELL, WE SO SHOULD
HAVE STARTED WITH ME.

OH, SORRY.

NO, SERIOUSLY, YOU
COULDN'T SEE ME THERE?

NOT EVERYONE'S
STARING AT YOU, COLIN.

HEY, I KNOW YOU.
WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.

DON'T TELL ME. HAVEN'T I SEEN
YOU IN A UNIFORM OF SOME SORT?

UH, MAYTAG REPAIRMAN.

I'VE BARTENDED FOR
YOU. FOR YOUR PARTIES.

THAT'S RIGHT, YOU HAVE.
YOU'RE A TALENTED MAN.

HE MAKES A KICK-ASS
MARGARITA. THANKS.

IT'S GOOD TO SEE YOU
AGAIN. WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

MARTY, UH, THIS IS RORY.

HI. SO, ASSUMING YOUR SERVICES
ARE STILL FOR HIRE THIS YEAR,

YOUR FINANCIAL SITUATION
HASN'T CHANGED AT ALL?

NOPE.

GOOD. OK. I'LL GIVE YOU A
CALL. WHERE ARE YOU LIVING?

BRANFORD.

OH, EXCELLENT. BRANFORD. ALL
RIGHT. GOOD RUNNING INTO YOU.

EXCELLENT SHIRT, REALLY.

I CAN SEE WHAT YOU SEE IN HIM.

DON'T BE AN ASS, COLIN.

ME? NEVER.

I'M A FRIEND TO ALL PEOPLE,
LARGE AND VERY, VERY SMALL.

I KIND OF HATE THOSE GUYS.

REALLY? I CAN'T SEE WHY.

WOW!

I MOVED SOME THINGS AROUND.
I ALSO SWITCHED OUR ROOMS.

NOW, MINE MAY SEEM BIGGER,
BUT YOURS GETS LESS SUN,

SO YOU DON'T HAVE TO
WORRY ABOUT MELANOMA.

HEY. WHAT?

I'M SORRY. THANKS.

SO, HOW ARE YOU
HOLDING UP? I'M FINE.

I'M ACTUALLY RELIEVED
TO BE ANYWHERE

THAT PEOPLE AREN'T ARGUING
OVER THE FIRST-EDITION FAULKNERS.

HIS GRANDDAUGHTER,
SARAH, IS THE WORST.

IF SHE THOUGHT THE
CASKET WAS WORTH ANYTHING,

SHE WOULD HAVE
STUFFED IT IN HER PURSE.

YOU KNOW, PARIS, YOU DON'T
HAVE TO TAKE CARE OF ALL THIS.

IT'S NOT UP TO YOU.

I KNOW. IT'S JUST, I WANT HIS
MEMORY TO BE RESPECTED.

IT WILL BE.

I STILL CAN'T BELIEVE HE'S GONE.

HE LEFT ME HIS MANUSCRIPTS.

WOW!

YEAH. IF SARAH FINDS OUT,

IT'S GOING TO BE THE MOUNTAIN
GIRL TRIAL ALL OVER AGAIN.

LISTEN, I WANT TO HAVE A WAKE.

A WHAT?

A WAKE IN ASHER'S HONOR, HERE.

WE'LL GIVE OTHERS THE
CHANCE TO PAY THEIR RESPECTS

TO SAY GOODBYE.

PEOPLE ARE GOING
TO WANT THIS CLOSURE.

I JUST THINK IT'S THE
RIGHT THING TO DO.

SURE. THANK YOU.

HELLO?

LARRY. LARRY, NO.

I'M SORRY, DID YOU TAKE THE
BAR OR JUST HANG OUT IN ONE?

HEY. OH, HEY.

I WAS... NO, I WAS
JUST COMING TO...

PICK YOU UP, UH, WAS
I NOT SUPPOSED TO?

NO, I FIGURED I'D MEET
YOU AT THE DINER. OH...

I GUESS WE SHOULD
HAVE DISCUSSED.

NO, NO, NO. I SHOULD
HAVE ASSUMED...

I MEAN, WE USUALLY...
YEAH, BUT THIS IS A DATE,

SO THE GUY USUALLY
DOES, IN THE TRUCK, AND SO...

I'M SORRY. NO, I'M SORRY.

I COULD GO BACK INSIDE.
NO, NO, THIS IS FINE.

YOU'RE OUT NOW, SO...

WE SHOULD GO. WE SHOULD GO.

OK. OK.

OK.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO GET THE... OK.

THERE YOU GO.

WE'LL GET BETTER AT THIS. YEAH.

OH, WOW, VERY PRANCING PONY.

THIS WAY, PLEASE.

YOUR TABLE, MISS.

OH, WHY, THANK YOU, SIR.

"RESERVED."

I TOLD YOU I'D
PLANNED THE EVENING.

WEREN'T WE SUPPOSED TO LET
SOMEONE WHO WORKS HERE SEAT US?

NOT NECESSARY. IS
THIS LIKE A MAFIA THING?

EXCUSE ME?

THE WHOLE COMING IN, SPECIAL
TABLE, "RESERVED" SIGN...

WE GONNA HAVE TO WHACK
SOMEONE BEFORE THE SOUP COURSE?

NO, I'VE FILLED MY WHACKING
QUOTA FOR THE WEEK.

DIRTY? EXTREMELY.

THOUGHT SO. LUCAS!

HOW YOU DOING, MAISY?

WHAT, YOU JUST
SEAT YOURSELF NOW?

I TOLD HIM.

WE RUN A NICE PLACE HERE, LUCAS,

NOT LIKE THAT HASH
JOINT OF YOURS.

AND THIS MUST BE YOUR YOUNG
LADY. HELLO, THERE. I'M MAISY.

HI. I'M LORELAI. I
LOVE YOUR PLACE.

IT USED TO BE A
WHOREHOUSE. OH, MY.

I LIKE THAT IT'S GOT
A TARTY HISTORY.

THE BEST PLACES DO.
AND THE BEST PEOPLE.

THE BEST PEOPLE. I LIKE THAT.

BUDDY! WILL YOU SIT DOWN?

UH, YOU PULLED ME UP.

BUDDY, THIS IS LORELAI.

LORELAI. WELL, HELLO, LORELAI.

HELLO, BUDDY.

THIS IS VERY EXCITING FOR US BECAUSE
LUCAS NEVER BRINGS HIS GIRLS HERE.

LORI, SOME SPARKLING
WATER AND CHAMPAGNE.

AND A BEER.

YOU'RE ON A DATE,
YOU DRINK CHAMPAGNE.

YOU'RE AT A BALL
GAME, YOU DRINK BEER.

MY GOODNESS, WHAT A BIG MENU.

DON'T BOTHER LOOKING,
WHATEVER YOU ORDER,

THEY'LL JUST BRING YOU
SOMETHING DIFFERENT.

HEY, WHAT ABOUT THE, UH...

OH, YEAH, GOOD.
WITH GARLIC AND...

NO, NO, NO. NO GARLIC.

I MEAN, GIVE THE BOY A CHANCE.

LORELAI, NICE TO MEET YOU.

AND, UH, HE'S A
SPECIAL ONE, THIS GUY.

THAT'S THE WORD ON THE STREET.

THEY KNOW YOU.

ACTUALLY, I COME
HERE 2, 3 TIMES A WEEK.

BREAKFAST, DINNER, YOU
KNOW, WHENEVER I HAVE THE TIME.

OH, MY GOD, LUKE HAS A LUKE'S.

YEAH, WELL, YOU KNOW, I'VE... I'VE
KNOWN MAISY AND BUD MY WHOLE LIFE.

MAISY WENT TO SCHOOL
WITH MY MOTHER. REALLY?

YEAH, AND THEN LATER
ON WHEN MY DAD DIED,

UH, AND I WANTED TO TURN THE
HARDWARE STORE INTO A DINER,

YOU KNOW, BUDDY REALLY
HELPED ME OUT. THAT'S SO NICE.

HE'S A GOOD GUY. HE REALLY
SHOWED ME HOW TO RUN A RESTAURANT,

HOW TO ORDER, EVERYTHING.

BASICALLY, I MEAN, I COULDN'T
HAVE DONE IT WITHOUT HIM.

I LOVE THIS PLACE. IT'S A
GREAT PLACE. VERY OLD.

HOW LONG HAVE THEY OWNED IT?

ACTUALLY, THE STORY OF THAT
IS ON THE BACK OF THE MENU.

OH, COOL.

OH, LOOK, "SNIFFY'S
TAVERN: A STORY OF LOVE."

OH, A STORY OF LOVE.

"MAISY FORTNER AND
BERTRAM BUDDY LINDS

"MET AT A HIGH-SCHOOL
BASKETBALL GAME.

"SHE WAS PLAYING, HE WAS NOT.

"THEY FELL IN LOVE, GOT MARRIED.

"BUDDY WENT TO WORK AT A DAIRY,

"AND MAISY WORKED AT THE SCHOOL,

"BUT THEY DREAMED TO
SOMEDAY OWN A RESTAURANT

"SO THAT ALL OF THEIR
FRIENDS AND FAMILY COULD COME

AND EAT AND VISIT AND LAUGH
WITH THEM EVERY SINGLE DAY."

BUDDY HATED
WORKING AT THAT DAIRY.

"ONE DAY SNIFFY, THEIR
BELOVED DOG, RAN AWAY.

"MAISY AND BUDDY SEARCHED
HIGH AND LOW FOR HIM.

"FINALLY THEY STUMBLED
PAST A DILAPIDATED OLD TAVERN

"THAT HAD BEEN
BOARDED-UP FOR YEARS.

"THEY HEARD A DOG HOWLING.

"THEY FORCED OPEN THE
DOOR, AND THERE WAS SNIFFY,

"STUCK UNDERNEATH A FALLEN BEAM.

"MAISY AND BUDDY
PULLED SNIFFY FREE,

"AND RUSHED HIM TO THE VET

WHERE HE IMMEDIATELY WENT
INTO EMERGENCY SURGERY."

OH, MY GOD. DID PAUL
THOMAS ANDERSON WRITE THIS?

EDIT, PEOPLE.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO READ THE WHOLE
THING. THERE'S NOT GONNA BE A QUIZ.

I'M ALMOST DONE.

"4 HOURS LATER,
SNIFFY WAS DEAD."

SNIFFY WAS DEAD?

ARE YOU SERIOUS?

WHERE'S THE HAPPY ENDING?
THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED.

WELL, PEOPLE DON'T READ
THE BACK OF THE MENU

TO FIND OUT WHAT
REALLY HAPPENED.

THEY READ THE BACK OF THE MENU

TO BE HAPPY, TO BE UPLIFTED. THAT'S
WHY THEY READ, THE BACK OF THE MENU.

NOT THAT MANY PEOPLE
READ THE BACK OF THE MENU.

DID YOU KNOW ABOUT
THE WHOLE SNIFFY THING?

IF IT MAKES YOU FEEL BETTER,
SNIFFY WAS 150,000 YEARS OLD.

YOU'RE LYING.

THANK YOU. HEY, HERE'S TO YOU.

I'LL DRINK TO THAT.

YEP, I DEFINITELY
HATE CHAMPAGNE.

THIS IS NICE.

GOOD.

HEY, DO YOU REMEMBER
THE FIRST TIME WE MET?

WHAT?

I'M JUST TRYING TO REMEMBER
THE FIRST TIME WE MET.

IT MUST HAVE BEEN
AT LUKE'S, RIGHT?

IT WAS AT LUKE'S,
IT WAS AT LUNCH,

IT WAS A VERY BUSY DAY,
THE PLACE WAS PACKED,

AND THIS PERSON...

OH, IS IT ME? IS IT ME?

THIS PERSON COMES TEARING INTO
THE PLACE IN A CAFFEINE FRENZY.

OH, IT'S ME.

I WAS WITH A CUSTOMER.
SHE INTERRUPTS ME,

WILD-EYED, BEGGING FOR COFFEE.

SO I TELL HER TO WAIT HER TURN.

THEN SHE STARTS
FOLLOWING ME AROUND

TALKING A MILE A MINUTE,
SAYING GOD-KNOWS-WHAT.

SO, FINALLY I TURN TO HER,

AND I TELL HER SHE'S
BEING ANNOYING.

SIT DOWN, SHUT UP, I'LL GET
TO HER WHEN I GET TO HER.

YOU KNOW, I BET SHE
TOOK THAT VERY WELL,

'CAUSE SHE SOUNDS
JUST DELIGHTFUL.

SHE ASKED ME WHAT
MY BIRTHDAY WAS.

I WOULDN'T TELL HER. SHE
WOULDN'T STOP TALKING.

I GAVE IN. I TOLD
HER MY BIRTHDAY.

THEN SHE OPENED UP THE
NEWSPAPER TO THE HOROSCOPE PAGE,

WROTE SOMETHING DOWN,
TORE IT OUT, HANDED IT TO ME.

GOD, SERIOUSLY,

YOU WROTE THE MENU, DIDN'T YOU?

SO, I'M LOOKING AT THIS PIECE OF PAPER IN
MY HAND AND UNDER "SCORPIO" SHE'D WRITTEN,

"YOU WILL MEET AN
ANNOYING WOMAN TODAY.

GIVE HER COFFEE
AND SHE'LL GO AWAY."

I GAVE HER COFFEE.

BUT SHE DIDN'T GO AWAY.

SHE TOLD ME TO HOLD
ON TO THAT HOROSCOPE,

PUT IT IN MY WALLET, AND
CARRY IT AROUND WITH ME,

ONE DAY IT WOULD BRING ME LUCK.

WELL, MAN, I WILL SAY
ANYTHING FOR A CUP OF COFFEE.

UM, I CAN'T BELIEVE
YOU KEPT THIS.

YOU KEPT THIS IN YOUR WALLET?

YOU KEPT THIS IN
YOUR WALLET. 8 YEARS.

8 YEARS.

LORELAI, THIS THING
WE'RE DOING HERE, ME, YOU,

I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW, I'M IN.

I AM ALL IN.

DOES THAT...

ARE YOU, UH, SCARED?

I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU
KEPT THAT HOROSCOPE.

YOU'RE JUST LUCKY I NEVER
CLEAN OUT MY WALLET.

YOU CAN'T TAKE IT BACK NOW. YOU'VE EXPOSED
YOURSELF. YOU'VE BEEN PINING FOR ME.

I HAVE NOT BEEN PINING.

I'M YOUR AVA GARDNER.

GOD HELP ME.

OK.

LET'S GET SOMETHING
OUT OF THE WAY RIGHT NOW.

WHAT?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

TELL ME WHAT C.D.s TO GET SO
I DON'T HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT IT.

SERIOUSLY?

AND SKIP ANY '80s GROUPS WHERE
THE GUYS DRESSED UP LIKE PIRATES.

I DRAW THE LINE AT PIRATES.

THIS HAS BEEN A REALLY
GREAT FIRST DATE.

IT ONLY TOOK US 8
YEARS TO GET HERE.

OK. SO, U2, RIGHT?

YEAH, BONO IS A
MUST, AND BLONDIE,

AND, UH, OH, SPARKS,

ESPECIALLY THE
NEW ONE, PLUS BOWIE.

UH, OK, I KNOW HE
DRESSED UP LIKE A PIRATE.

SPACEMAN. SPACEMAN
I CAN DEAL WITH.

SORRY. I FORGOT TO
TURN THE ALARM OFF.

MMM. BAD ALARM. BAD, BAD ALARM.

WHAT TIME IS IT? EARLY.

HATE EARLY. MUST KILL EARLY.

OK.

I GOTTA GET UP.

WHY?

WORK. INN. BUY SHOES.

OH, MY GOD, I CAN'T
MOVE. I NEED COFFEE.

I DON'T HAVE COFFEE UP
HERE. IT'S ALL DOWNSTAIRS.

DOWNSTAIRS.

WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

WELL, I THINK PEOPLE
ARE GONNA KNOW.

WHAT? WHAT ARE
YOU TALKING ABOUT?

WHAT?

WHY ARE YOU WEARING MY SHIRT?

I PUT IT ON TO GO GET COFFEE.

DOWNSTAIRS? WELL, YOU
DON'T KEEP IT UPSTAIRS.

THE DINER'S OPEN.
YOU'RE KIDDING!

YOU WALKED INTO
THE DINER LIKE THAT?

I DIDN'T THINK THE DINER COULD
OPEN WITHOUT YOU. I HAD CAESAR OPEN.

WELL, HE DID, WITH A FLOOR SHOW.

OK, SO, MAYBE NOBODY NOTICED.

LOOK AT ME! OK, YES.

W-W-WHAT, BUT YOU WEAR
CRAZY OUTFITS ALL THE TIME.

THEY USUALLY INCLUDE PANTS.

OK, SO THEY KNOW. SO WHAT?

I MEAN, THEY'RE GONNA
FIND OUT EVENTUALLY, RIGHT?

RIGHT. SO, WE'LL HEAR ABOUT
IT FOR A FEW DAYS. FEW WEEKS.

6 MONTHS OF HEARING ABOUT IT, BUT
THEN IT'LL DIE DOWN. WE'LL BE USED TO IT.

AND EVERYTHING WILL GET BACK TO
NORMAL. SO, OK, WELL, THEY KNOW.

IT'S OUT. IT'S OUT.

WHERE'S YOUR COFFEE?

MMM-HMM.

I'M GETTING YOUR COFFEE.

I NEED MORE CANDLES.

CHECK MY TRUNK. I THINK
MY MOM PUT SOME IN THERE.

THAT'S A LOT OF
BOOKS YOU GOT THERE.

THE VERY FACT THAT THE
BOOKSTORE HAD ANY IN STOCK

SHOWS THE SAD NATURE OF
AMERICAN READING HABITS.

DO YOU NEED SOME
HELP WITH THOSE?

I GOT THIS, BUT...

HERE, YOU CAN PUT THESE UP.

YOU MADE FLYERS.

ANYONE WHO WANTS TO PAY TRIBUTE TO
THIS GREAT MAN DESERVES THE OPPORTUNITY.

I'M ON IT.

OK, FINN, LAST BUILDING.

PLEASE SAY IT LOOKS FAMILIAR.

UH, APPARENTLY IT
DOESN'T LOOK FAMILIAR.

NO, HOLD ON. HOLD ON.

YES. HERE. THIS IS
WHERE SHE LIVES.

EXCUSE ME. CAN I
HELP YOU? NO, THANKS.

HEY. DON'T PUT YOUR NUMBER.
DON'T PUT YOUR NUMBER!

I'M NOT PUTTING MY NUMBER,
I'M PUTTING YOUR NUMBER.

THAT'S MY ROOM.

OK, PUT MY NUMBER.

ARE YOU SURE THIS IS
YOUR ROOM? I'M SURE.

I COULD HAVE SWORN
IT WAS HER ROOM.

WHAT'S HER NAME?
MAYBE I KNOW HER.

UH, IT WAS SHORT.

WELL, I CAN UNDERSTAND
YOUR DISAPPOINTMENT

LOSING A POTENTIAL SOUL MATE
LIKE THAT, BUT THAT IS MY ROOM.

I'M SORRY ABOUT THE MIX-UP. MY
FRIEND HERE, HE MEANS NO HARM.

HE JUST HAS TO LEARN THAT
GUINNESS AND BLONDES, THEY DON'T MIX.

REDHEADS.

WE SINCERELY APOLOGIZE
AND WE WILL NOW LEAVE YOU

TO FINISH PUTTING UP YOUR
POSTER OF THIS REALLY OLD GUY.

PROFESSOR ASHER FLEMING.

WHAT, THEY WERE OUT
OF ORLANDO BLOOM?

PROFESSOR FLEMING DIED LAST
WEEK. WE'RE THROWING HIM A WAKE.

OK, SO WERE YOU
AND FLEMING... NO!

SORRY. JUST, YOU'RE PUTTING A
POSTER OF HIM UP IN YOUR HALLWAY.

YOU CAN SEE WHY I GET THE IMPRESSION
HE'S A LITTLE BIT MORE THAN A TEACHER.

WELL, HE WAS MORE
THAN A TEACHER.

HE WAS A GREAT WRITER AND AN
INSPIRATION AND MANY OTHER THINGS

THAT YOU COULDN'T
POSSIBLY UNDERSTAND.

YOU DON'T LIKE ME.

YOU DON'T KNOW ME,
BUT YOU DON'T LIKE ME.

I KNOW YOU. YOU DO?

WE MET YESTERDAY.

WITH MARTY. MARTY?

MARTY, MY FRIEND MARTY.
HE BARTENDED FOR YOU...

YES, MARTY. I'M SORRY.
IT SLIPPED MY MIND.

OF COURSE, I MET YOU YESTERDAY
WITH MARTY. NICE TO SEE YOU AGAIN...

RORY!

NICE TO SEE YOU AGAIN, RORY. YOU'RE
LOOKING WELL. ANGRY WORKS FOR YOU.

I'M NOT ANGRY,
I'M JUST IRRITATED.

BY ME. YES.

BECAUSE I FORGOT FOR A
MOMENT WHO YOU WERE?

NO, BECAUSE YOU SPEAK TO
PEOPLE AS IF THEY'RE BELOW YOU.

PEOPLE? MARTY.

AH, YOUR FRIEND MARTY?

YES, MY FRIEND MARTY. YOU
TALKED TO HIM LIKE HE WAS DIRT,

AND THAT'S WHY I'M
LOOKING AT YOU LIKE THIS.

I'M SORRY. WHAT DID I
SAY THAT WAS SO BAD?

I SAID HELLO, AND I THINK I SAID
HE MADE A KICK-ASS MARGARITA.

IT'S NOT WHAT YOU SAID, IT'S HOW
YOU SAID IT. AND HOW'D I SAY IT?

LIKE JUDI DENCH.

OUCH. JUST BECAUSE
SOMEBODY DOESN'T HAVE MONEY

OR A FANCY FAMILY DOESN'T MEAN
THEY'RE INFERIOR TO YOU. I AGREE.

AND JUST BECAUSE
SOMEBODY IS A BARTENDER

AT A PARTY FOR YOU
AND YOUR FRIENDS,

IT DOESN'T MEAN THAT YOU CAN
TALK TO THEM LIKE A SERVANT.

WELL...

WHAT?

I HIRED HIM, I PAID HIM, HE SERVED.
THAT'S WHAT A SERVANT DOES.

ARE YOU SERIOUS? FOR
THE SAKE OF ARGUMENT.

HE WAS DOING A JOB.

A JOB HE TOOK WILLINGLY.
SOME PEOPLE HAVE TO WORK.

AND I BET IF YOU ASK HIM, HE'LL
TELL YOU HE MADE EXCELLENT TIPS,

'CAUSE MY FRIENDS, THEY
TEND TO ENJOY THEIR REFILL.

NOT THE POINT. TO A BARTENDER,
TIPS ARE VERY MUCH THE POINT.

JUST BECAUSE YOU PAY
SOMEBODY IT DOESN'T MEAN

THAT YOU CAN SPEAK TO THEM
AS IF THEY'RE BENEATH YOU.

ACTUALLY, THE FACT THAT
THIS IS A FREE COUNTRY

MEANS I CAN SPEAK TO ANYONE
IN ANY MANNER WHICH I CHOOSE.

HOWEVER, THE RULES
OF A CIVILIZED SOCIETY

MAY FROWN UPON A CERTAIN
OBVIOUS SHOW OF SNOBBERY,

SO IF THAT'S YOUR ARGUMENT...
I DON'T HAVE AN ARGUMENT.

WELL, I CAN GIVE YOU A MOMENT TO
FORMULATE ONE IF YOU WANT TO CONTINUE.

I'M BUSY! YOU CONCEDE.

I DON'T LIKE IT WHEN
PEOPLE HURT MY FRIENDS.

AND YOU REACT WHEN GOADED.

I AM NOT GOADED. I AM SO FAR FROM
GOADED. GET OUT YOUR COMPASS

AND I WILL SHOW YOU HOW
FAR FROM GOADED I AM.

I THINK WE GOT A SERIOUS
DEBATER IN OUR MIDST.

LOGAN, I FOUND IT.

TELL MARTY I SAID HI,

AND I PROMISE TO REMEMBER
YOU INSTANTLY NEXT TIME.

NOW, TELL ME THAT WASN'T FUN.

MASTER AND COMMANDER. THE MOVIE?

NO, THAT'S WHAT I WANT
YOU TO CALL ME FROM NOW ON.

I JUST WANTED TO
SMELL LIKE HIM AGAIN.

WHAT? YOU DIDN'T! YOU DIDN'T.

MORNING, LADIES.

OH, MORNING, SUGAR.

SAMSON AND DELILAH
SAPPERSTEIN GOT BACK TOGETHER.

I'M NOT SURPRISED.
THOSE 2 BELONG TOGETHER.

WELL, IT'S NICE
THAT THEY MADE UP.

THAT MEANS THEY'RE BOUND TO HAVE

ONE OF THEIR FABULOUS
FIGHTS VERY SOON

WHICH WE NEED BECAUSE
THINGS ARE SLOW AROUND HERE.

I HEAR THAT.

THEY'RE LOWERING THE
FREE-PARKING LIMIT AT THE DRUGSTORE.

YOU ONLY GET 20 MINUTES FREE
WITH VALIDATION INSTEAD OF 30.

WELL, "TIMES, THEY
ARE A-CHANGIN'."

OH, SO, I... I'M GONNA
GO. I GOTTA GET TO WORK.

BYE, HONEY.

GIVE RORY A KISS FOR US.

I WILL.

OK.

DID YOU NOTICE THAT ONE SIDE

OF ROSELLA'S BUTT
IMPLANT DEFLATED?

WELL, IF YOUR DOCTOR
ACCEPTS A COUPON...

NOBODY KNOWS. WHAT?

I SWEAR. HOW DO YOU KNOW?

WELL, I WALKED BY HELLO! MAGAZINE
THIS MORNING, THEY MENTIONED NOTHING.

WELL, MAYBE THEY'RE
JUST TRYING TO BE,

I DON'T KNOW,
RESPECTFUL ABOUT IT.

BABETTE? MISS PATTY?

WELL, MAYBE THEY'RE TRYING
NOT TO EMBARRASS YOU.

BABETTE? MISS PATTY?

WELL, MAYBE... I'M OUT.

HAS ANYONE MENTIONED IT TO YOU?

NO, BUT, SERIOUSLY, WHO'S
GONNA MENTION IT TO ME?

BABETTE? MISS PATTY?

NO, IT'S BEEN VERY QUIET.

THEY HAVE TO KNOW.

MAYBE THEY DON'T CARE.

WELL, THAT'S KIND
OF A BUMMER. WHY?

I DON'T KNOW. YOU AT LEAST
WANT THEM TO HAVE SOME INTEREST.

LET'S JUST LOOK AT IT THIS WAY:

IT'S OUT. WE DON'T HAVE TO
WORRY ABOUT IT. WE CAN JUST GO ON.

WE STILL ON FOR TONIGHT?

LIZ TAYLOR AND RICHARD BURTON COULDN'T
GO OUTSIDE WITHOUT PEOPLE NOTICING.

WELL, I'LL GET DRUNK, YOU GAIN 500
POUNDS, AND WE'LL GIVE IT ANOTHER GO.

PICK ME UP AT 7:00?
PICK YOU UP AT 7:00.

OK, BYE.

♪ YOU AIN'T LEFT THE GROUND ♪

♪ WAIT TILL YOU'RE
LOCKED IN MY EMBRACE ♪

MADONNA LOUISE!

CAN I GET YOU SOME
DESSERT, MRS. GILMORE?

NO, THANK YOU. VERY
GOOD, MRS. GILMORE.

AND DON'T RUN THE
DISHWASHER. IT'S NOT FULL.

I WON'T, MRS. GILMORE.

I SMELLED SOMETHING
FUNNY EARLIER

IN THE NORTHEAST
CORNER OF THE KITCHEN.

I SPRAYED FOR ANTS
THIS AFTERNOON.

OH, MADONNA LOUISE, I TOLD YOU.

YOU NEVER SPRAY THAT
POISON ALL OVER THE PLACE.

YOU SIMPLY HAVE TO
KILL THE SCOUT ANTS

SO THEY DON'T GO BACK AND TELL
THE REST OF THEM WHERE THE FOOD IS.

I KNOW, MRS. GILMORE.

YOU KILL THE SCOUTS OR YOU USE THE CHALK
THAT WE BOUGHT IN CHINATOWN LAST MONTH.

OK, MRS. GILMORE.
MADONNA LOUISE?

YES, MRS. GILMORE?

IT WAS A LOVELY OMELET.

THANK YOU, MRS. GILMORE.

HOW DID I GET ROOKED INTO THIS?

UH, I'M IRRESISTIBLE?

YEAH. HAVE I MENTIONED
I HATE TOWN MEETINGS?

NO. I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU HATE CLOWN
BLEEDINGS WHICH I TOTALLY AGREE WITH.

OH, NO. IS TONIGHT RAFFLE NIGHT?

I CAN'T DEAL WITH RAFFLE NIGHT.

NO, IT'S NOT RAFFLE NIGHT.

LOOK, I PROMISE WE WON'T STAY FOR
THE WHOLE THING. IT'LL BE LIKE A STOP-BY.

WE'LL JUST RUN IN AND
GET THE HEADLINES,

SO I HAVE SOMETHING TO TELL RORY

AND THEN WE'RE OFF TO THE MOVIE.

DO NOT GET USED TO ME
GOING TO THESE TOWN THINGS.

JUST BECAUSE YOU LIKE THEM DOES
NOT MEAN THAT I WILL EVER LIKE THEM,

OR TOLERATE THEM OR GO TO THEM.

UM, OTHER THAN TONIGHT.
YES, OTHER THAN TONIGHT.

AND NEXT THURSDAY.

I DID NOT SAY I WOULD
GO NEXT THURSDAY.

WHAT THE HELL IS
NEXT THURSDAY? HELLO?

LORELAI? OH, THANK
GOD I FOUND YOU.

HI, MOM.

THE MOST BIZARRE
THING HAS HAPPENED.

IT'S 7:30 AT NIGHT, I HAD
JUST FINISHED MY DINNER,

I WAS ABOUT TO GO UPSTAIRS AND
READ, AND I SUDDENLY HEARD A CAR.

UH-HUH. I RAN TO THE WINDOW,

JUST IN TIME TO SEE YOUR
FATHER DRIVING AWAY. UH-HUH.

HE WAS DRIVING
AWAY AT 7:30 AT NIGHT!

UH-HUH. LORELAI!

WAS HE DRIVING BACKWARDS
OR WITH HIS FEET?

WHERE WAS YOUR FATHER
GOING AT 7:30 AT NIGHT?

WELL, MAYBE HE HAD
A BUSINESS MEETING.

AT 7:30 AT NIGHT?

WHAT, HAS HE SUDDENLY
BECOME A BOOTLEGGER?

MOM, I'M SO SORRY. I'M ABOUT TO GO INTO
A THING. CAN WE TALK ABOUT THIS LATER?

OH, ABSOLUTELY. FAR
BE IT FOR ME TO INTRUDE

ON WHATEVER VAGUE
EVENT YOU'RE GOING TO.

GREAT! THANKS,
MOM. BYE. YOUR FAULT.

HOW WAS THAT MY FAULT?

BECAUSE YOU PREOCCUPIED ME WITH
ALL YOUR YAMMERING ABOUT THE MEETING,

SO I WASN'T THINKING,

AND THEN CHECK TO SEE WHO
WAS CALLING BEFORE I ANSWERED.

BOY, IT'S NICE TO FINALLY
HAVE SOMEONE TO BLAME.

AND THEN I LOOKED,
BACKED UP... NO.

I DID, TOO, BACK UP.

YOU BACKED UP. YOU DIDN'T LOOK.

YOU GOT IN, YOU
TURNED ON YOUR CAR,

AND THEN YOU WHIPPED OUT OF THAT
SPACE LIKE YOU WERE LIZZIE GRUBMAN.

DO WE HAVE TIMING OR WHAT?

I DID NOT.

ANDREW, YOU DID, TOO.

I DISTINCTLY REMEMBER LOOKING
IN MY MIRROR AND SEEING NOTHING.

EXCEPT ME. I DIDN'T SEE YOU.

LIAR. I AM NOT A LIAR.

THANK YOU FOR COMING.
PLEASE FEEL FREE TO TAKE A BOOK.

HEY.

HI.

INTERESTING CROWD.

YEAH, MOST OF THE PEOPLE
HAVE NO IDEA THEY'RE AT A WAKE.

THEY THINK IT'S SOME
WEIRD THEME PARTY.

I'VE SPENT THE ENTIRE
EVENING TRYING TO GET PEOPLE

TO STOP REFERRING TO
ASHER AS "THE OLD DEAD DUDE."

DOES PARIS KNOW?

PARIS, THANK GOODNESS, IS PARIS.

HI, MARTY. THANK YOU FOR COMING.

PLEASE HELP YOURSELF TO A BOOK.

THE WAKE SEEMS TO BE GOING WELL.

IT IS. I'M VERY PLEASED
WITH THE TURNOUT.

I MEAN, I KNEW HE WAS BELOVED,
BUT THIS IS OVERWHELMING.

YOU KNOW, IT'S FUNNY,

BUT ASHER DIED RIGHT AT THE
HEIGHT OF MY PASSION FOR HIM.

I KIND OF WONDER WHAT WOULD
HAVE HAPPENED IF HE HAD LIVED.

WOULD I HAVE STAYED IN
LOVE WITH HIM FOREVER?

I DON'T KNOW.

HE DIED BEFORE I COULD FIND OUT.

NOW I... I... I'LL ALWAYS
BE IN LOVE WITH HIM.

HE'S MY MIKE TODD.

WE'RE GOING TO DINNER
AFTER THE MOVIE. I KNOW.

ALL THOSE WHO THINK ANDREW
WAS IN THE WRONG, ARMS RAISED.

ALL THOSE WHO THINK THAT
GYPSY WAS AT FAULT, ARMS RAISED.

THE MAJORITY RULES.

GYPSY IS AT FAULT FOR
THE FENDER-BENDER

OUTSIDE THE STARS
HOLLOW GARDEN CENTER

AND SHALL BE RESPONSIBLE
FOR ALL SAID DAMAGES.

HA! WE HAVE GOT TO GET A
COURTHOUSE IN THIS TOWN!

ALL RIGHT, LET'S MOVE ON TO
THE NEXT ORDER OF BUSINESS.

MMM, A VERY SERIOUS MATTER HAS
BEEN BROUGHT TO OUR ATTENTION,

AND I WOULD LIKE TO BRING
TO THE FLOOR FOR DISCUSSION,

THE POSSIBLE
NEGATIVE RAMIFICATIONS

OF THE INN OWNER AND
DINER OWNER DATING.

THAT'S US. THEY'RE
TALKING ABOUT US.

NOW, AS YOU ALL KNOW
THE RELATIONSHIP WE HAVE

FEARED FOR SOME TIME HAS EMERGED

AND WE NEED TO
CAREFULLY CONSIDER

WHETHER OR NOT
WE CAN SUPPORT THIS.

OH, MY GOD. WE'RE
SITTING RIGHT HERE!

YES, WE SEE YOU, LUKE, AND,
AS A MEMBER OF THE TOWN,

YOU ARE WELCOME
TO VOICE YOUR OPINION.

VOICE MY...

I OPEN THE FLOOR
UP FOR DISCUSSION.

ALL RIGHT. I'LL START.

LUKE'S DINER IS A
STAPLE IN THIS TOWN.

MOST OF US EAT THERE
ON A REGULAR BASIS.

THE DRAGONFLY INN, THOUGH
NEWER THAN LUKE'S DINER,

HAS ALSO BECOME VERY
IMPORTANT IN OUR COMMUNITY.

THE COMMINGLING OF THE
OWNERS OF THESE 2 ESTABLISHMENTS

CAN ONLY SET THE
STAGE FOR DISASTER.

WHAT THE HELL IS
HE TALKING ABOUT?

HE'S NOT HAPPY WITH
OUR COMMINGLING.

THINK OF THE CONSEQUENCES.

WHAT WILL HAPPEN WHEN
THE RELATIONSHIP GOES SOUR

AS, LET'S FACE IT, MOST OF
LORELAI'S RELATIONSHIPS DO?

HEY. WE'LL HAVE TO CHOOSE.

SUDDENLY YOU'LL EITHER
BE A LUKE OR A LORELAI,

OR, IF YOU'RE KIRK AND YOU CAN'T
MAKE A DECISION TO SAVE YOUR LIFE,

YOU'LL BE NEITHER.

HE'S PROBABLY RIGHT.

THAT'S BAD FOR THE ECONOMY, BAD
FOR THE TOWN. I VOTE AGAINST THIS.

ARE THEY GONNA MAKE US BREAK UP?

I THINK YOU'RE
OVERREACTING, TAYLOR.

PEOPLE, DO I HAVE
TO REMIND YOU ABOUT

FAY WELLINGTON AND
ART BRUSH, HUH, DO I?

UH, YEAH.

FAY OWNED A FLOWER SHOP,
AND ART OWNED A CANDY STORE

AND THEY FELL MADLY IN
LOVE ABOUT 10 YEARS AGO.

BIG ROMANCE!

AND, FOR A WHILE, IT ALL
WORKED VERY SYNERGISTICALLY.

FLOWERS AND CANDY SEEMED
LIKE A PERFECT MATCH...

UNTIL ART MET MARGIE.

THE FUDGE QUEEN.

OOH, THAT WAS BAD.

THE WHOLE TOWN SPLIT
RIGHT DOWN THE MIDDLE.

SUDDENLY, YOU COULD BUY
FLOWERS OR YOU COULD BUY CANDY.

VALENTINE'S DAY WAS A NIGHTMARE.

PAR FOR THE COURSE FOR ME.

EVENTUALLY, THE HOSTILITY
FORCED ART TO MOVE.

FAY NEVER MARRIED. SHE STOPPED
MAKING CANDY. IT WAS VERY SAD.

AND THOSE STOREFRONTS WERE EMPTY
FOR A YEAR. NO ONE WANTED TO BE THERE.

GOD, THIS SOUNDS TERRIBLE.
MAYBE THEY HAVE A POINT.

NO, THEY DON'T HAVE A POINT.

WELL, WHAT IF SOMETHING HAPPENS?

THIS IS CRAZY. I DON'T
BELIEVE FOR ONE MINUTE

THAT THE BREAK-UP OF FAY
WELLINGTON AND ART BRUSH

AFFECTED THE ECONOMY
OF THIS TOWN ONE BIT.

WELL, LUCKY FOR YOU,
I BROUGHT CHARTS.

YOU HAVE CHARTS CONCERNING
THE ROMANCE OF 2 PEOPLE

WHO USED TO LIVE
HERE 10 YEARS AGO?

WE THINK FAY STILL LIVES IN THE
CAVES ABOVE THE CLANCYS' MILL.

WE CAN'T PROVE IT,
BUT EVERY SO OFTEN

WE HEAR DELTA DAWN
PLAYING OVER AND OVER.

HELLO?

YOUR FATHER CAME HOME AT 8:30.

HE WENT INSIDE THE POOL
HOUSE FOR 5 MINUTES,

AND THEN HE GOT BACK IN HIS
CAR, AND HE DROVE AWAY AGAIN.

MOM, THIS IS
REALLY NOT A GOOD...

TRAIPSING ALL OVER THE PLACE
AT ALL HOURS OF THE NIGHT.

UH-HUH, WHERE ARE YOU?
YOU SOUND VERY FAR AWAY.

PARK ROAD.

PARK ROAD. WHY?

WELL, I'M NOT GONNA BE THE ONE
THAT SITS AT HOME ALONE IN THE DARK

LIKE AN ITALIAN WIDOW.

IF HE CAN GO OUT, THEN I
CAN GO OUT, SO I WENT OUT.

WELL, GOOD FOR YOU.

I FIGURED I'D HAVE DINNER.

I ALREADY HAD DINNER.

BUT IF RICHARD'S HAVING 2
DINNERS, THEN I CAN HAVE 2 DINNERS.

SO I WENT TO A PLACE I USED TO
EAT AT WHEN I WAS IN COLLEGE.

AND DO YOU KNOW WHAT I FOUND?

IT'S A LUBE-AND-TUNE WITH AN
X-RATED T-SHIRT STORE NEXT DOOR.

MOM, THIS IS SILLY. WHY
DON'T YOU JUST GO HOME?

I'M NOT GONNA BE
THE FIRST ONE BACK.

WELL, HOW LONG ARE
YOU GONNA DRIVE AROUND?

UNTIL I'M SURE YOUR
FATHER CAME HOME.

LET HIM WORRY ABOUT
WHERE I WAS ALL NIGHT.

UM, LOOK, I CAN'T
TALK RIGHT NOW.

WELL, I'M NOT DONE.

I'LL CALL YOU LATER.

I COULD BE DEAD LATER.

CALL ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS.

NO ONE KNOWS ABOUT THE
SEPARATION EXCEPT YOU AND RORY.

I'M SORRY, MOM. BUT I'M IN THE
MIDDLE OF SOMETHING VERY IMPORTANT.

WELL, THIS IS IMPORTANT,
TOO. MEET ME FOR A COFFEE.

MOM, I CAN'T, AND
RORY JUST MOVED IN,

AND SHE'S AT SCHOOL
GETTING SETTLED,

SO IF YOU REALLY CAN'T
TALK TO ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS,

I'M SORRY, BUT WE'RE GONNA
HAVE TO FINISH THIS LATER.

FINE.

I THINK THAT MAP'S A LITTLE OFF.

LUKE WOULD DEFINITELY
TAKE THE NORTHWEST BLOCK

'CAUSE IT'S NEAR
THE FISHING HOLE.

OK, THAT'S IT. I'VE
HEARD ENOUGH.

THIS IS MY RELATIONSHIP.

MINE, NOT YOURS,
NOT YOURS, NOT YOURS.

YOURS, BUT NOT YOURS.

MINE AND HERS,

BUT NOT YOURS!

THERE'S NOT GONNA
BE ANY MORE DEBATING

ABOUT WHETHER OR NOT IT'S A
GOOD IDEA IF WE'RE IN A RELATIONSHIP

'CAUSE WE'RE IN A RELATIONSHIP.

SHOW 'EM THE HOROSCOPE.

BUT IN THE EVENT
OF A BREAK-UP...

THERE'S NOT GOING
TO BE A BREAK-UP.

WELL, ISN'T HE THE
OPTIMISTIC FELLOW?

FINE. IN CASE OF A
BREAK-UP, I'LL MOVE.

I'LL CLOSE UP LUKE'S
DINER, I'LL GO FAR, FAR AWAY

AND THAT WAY YOU WON'T
HAVE TO CHOOSE, OK?

EVERY SECTION IN
TOWN CAN BE PINK.

CAN WE HAVE YOUR WORD ON THAT?

YOU CAN HAVE MY WORD AND A COUPLE
OF MIDDLE FINGERS ON THAT, TAYLOR.

GET THAT DOWN. WE HAVE HIS WORD.

AND LEAVE OUT THE
PART ABOUT THE FINGERS.

ALL RIGHT, PEOPLE, IT
SEEMS THAT THE ISSUE

OF GILMORE AND DANES V. STARS
HOLLOW HAS BEEN RESOLVED.

SEE YOU ALL NEXT WEEK

WHEN EVERYONE GETS
FINGERPRINTED FOR THE GOVERNMENT.

MEETING ADJOURNED.

WOW.

YEAH.

YOU STILL IN?

YOU BET I AM.

OH, MY GOD.

WHAT? WHAT'S THE MATTER?

HELLO?

I'M SORRY, I'M SORRY,
I'M SORRY, I'M SORRY.

FOR WHAT?

RORY.

GRANDMA.

I'M SORRY, I'M SORRY, I'M
SORRY, I'M SORRY, I'M SORRY.

WELL, WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?

I HAVE TO HANG UP NOW.

HAVE I MENTIONED I'M SORRY?

BYE.

WOW, THIS IS A SURPRISE.

WELL, I SIMPLY HAD TO
GET OUT OF THE HOUSE,

AND YOUR MOTHER
TOLD ME YOU WERE HOME,

SO I THOUGHT I'D COME
BY AND SAY HELLO.

WHY ARE THERE PICTURES OF
ASHER FLEMING EVERYWHERE?

UM, THIS IS A WAKE FOR
PROFESSOR FLEMING.

HE DIED.

WELL, YOU'D THINK YOUR GRANDFATHER
COULD HAVE MENTIONED THAT TO ME, BUT NO.

I BET HE'LL MAKE ME GO TO THAT
INSUFFERABLE MAN'S FUNERAL, THOUGH.

HE WAS CREMATED.

OH, THANK GOD. EMILY!

IT MEANS SO MUCH
TO ME THAT YOU CAME.

OH, WELL, YES, UH, ASHER WAS
VERY DEVOTED TO HIS STUDENTS.

OH, NO, THERE'S NO NEED TO CRY.

YALE IS FULL OF
EXCELLENT TEACHERS.

ROOT BEER?

YEAH. THANKS, MARTY,
FOR EVERYTHING.

YOU'VE BEEN SUCH A
HUGE HELP TONIGHT.

FOR YOU, ANYTHING.

HEY, RORY? MMM.

DO YOU...

I MEAN, HOW COME
YOU DON'T HAVE A...

UH, DO YOU HAVE A BOYFRIEND?

WHAT? I'M JUST CURIOUS.

YOU DON'T MENTION ANYONE.

AND THERE'S NO ONE
HERE YOU SEEM TO BE WITH,

SO I WAS JUST WONDERING
WHAT THE DEAL WAS.

I DON'T KNOW.

YOU... OK.

UH, SO, WHAT EXACTLY DOES
THAT MEAN, "I DON'T KNOW"?

I DON'T KNOW. OK.

I MEAN, 'CAUSE THAT'S USUALLY
THE KIND OF THING YOU KNOW.

I KNOW. SO YOU DON'T KNOW. OK.

UM, WILL YOU EXCUSE
ME FOR A MINUTE, MARTY?

UH, SURE.

AND THEN HE JUST TAKES OFF
OUT OF NOWHERE AT 7:30 AT NIGHT.

THANK YOU, THOMAS.
I'LL NEED A NAPKIN.