Gilligan's Island (1964–1992): Season 3, Episode 23 - High Man on the Totem Pole - full transcript

Maybe I'd better

start finding
our way back, huh?

Don't worry,
skipper.

I know exactly
where we are.

You do?
Where are we?

We're lost.

Oh, gilligan.

Well, judging
from the sky,

if we head
directly east,

we'll eventually
hit the beach.

Yeah, well,
go on.



Unh.

Will you leave
that vine alone,
gilligan?

Move!

Aah!
Unh!

What's wrong
with you?

Y-You lead
the way.

It must be some kind
of a native totem pole.

Did you ever see
a meaner-looking face?

Look at
that horrible one.

Yeah, that's
a horrible face and...

That face is mine!

* just sit right back,
and you'll hear a tale *

* a tale of a fateful trip *

* that started
from this tropic port *



* aboard this tiny ship *

* the mate was
a mighty sailin' man *

* the skipper brave and sure *

* 5 passengers set sail that day
for a 3-hour tour *

* a 3-hour tour *

[thunder]

* the weather
started getting rough *

* the tiny ship was tossed *

* if not for the courage
of the fearless crew *

* the minnow would be lost,
the minnow would be lost *

* the ship's aground
on the shore of this *

* uncharted desert isle *

* with gilligan *

* the skipper, too *

* the millionaire and his wife *

* the movie star *

* the professor
and Mary Ann *

* here on gilligan's isle *

Ah! It's
a totem pole,
alright.

Carved by
the kupa Kai.

Kupa who?
Kai.

Can't you understand English?
Kupa Kai.

If that's English,
I went to the
wrong school.

What is a kupa Kai?
They're a native tribe.

Look at the head on top.

It looks exactly
like gilligan.

It's a little
more ferocious, perhaps,

but it is
an amazing likeness.

I didn't
even pose for it.

That's good carving.

They must be
handy with a knife.

They're handy
with a knife, alright.

They're the most
ferocious tribe

of headhunters
in the south pacific.

The people that
carved that head--

they're headhunters?

That's right.

They're
advertising for me?

Skipper: It looks
exactly like gilligan.

Oh, that's just
a coincidence,
that's all.

May be a dead ringer for
one of their kings.

Don't say dead.
Not while I'm alive.

Relax, gilligan.

They must have
carved that totem pole
many years ago.

You really have it made
if they ever come back,

'cause you look
enough like one
of those kupa kais

to be one yourself.

Hey, skipper.

How come nobody
ever told me before
I look like a kupa Kai?

Because anybody
that knows what
a kupa Kai looks like

isn't alive
to talk about it.

I sure do
look like one.

Professor said that
was just a coincidence.

Yeah, I know.

If 2 people have
a face like mine,

it's not
a coincidence.

That's very true,
gilligan.

It would be
a catastrophe.

What if that old king was my
grandfather or something?

That's the most
ridiculous thing
I ever heard.

Yeah, but if that
old king on the pole
is my ancestor,

that means
I have headhunters'
blood in me--

will you knock it off?

There is such a thing
as herdity.

That's heredity.

You look like him
because of heredity.

Even you think
it was my ancestor.

Will you
go to sleep?

You wake up and don't
have your head,

don't say
I didn't warn you.

So we've got
a real problem.

Gilligan thinks he comes from a
long line
of headhunters?

Oh, that's
ridiculous!

He's the sweetest,
I've known.

That may
be so, Mary Ann,

he got up early to go
and stare at his ancestors.

Oh, pooh! If gilligan
was a headhunter,

why would he settle
with the head he has?

Mrs. Howell,
believe me,

he's really
convinced
he's a kupa Kai.

Oh, double pooh!
Nonsense!

Lovey,
don't pooh-pooh
heredity

or even give it
a double pooh.

After all,
didn't I inherit

my financial genius
from dear old dad?

That's true.
All the money
thurston has

he inherited
from his father.

Gilligan is not a headhunter,
and we know it.

Fine, Mary Ann, but how are we
gonna convince him of that?

Oh, shh, shh!
Here he comes.

Ginger: Hi, gilligan.

Would you like
some breakfast?

How about
some scrambled eggs?

You'd like to go fishing
this afternoon, little buddy?

Would you like
to stay with Mr. Howell?

You can count
$1,000 bills.

And keep the ones
that are upside down.

How we gonna get gilligan's
attention away

from that
totem pole?

I assure you,
there's nothing like

a relaxing drive
in the country

to make gilligan forget

that he's a descendant
of headhunters.

Shh! Quiet.

Any time you're
ready, my boy.

Any particular place,
Mr. Howell?

No, just a drive
in the fresh air,
you know.

[Chuckles]
Anything you say.

What's
the matter,
gilligan?

My legs are tired.

That's alright,
my boy, conserve fuel.

We can only get
30 miles to a leg.

30 miles to a leg!
I made a witty one.

[Mrs. Howell
laughing]

That'll make the boy
forget his troubles.

Oh, darling,
we mustn't
say anything

that'll
remind him

of those
dreadful
headhunters.

I pride myself
on my tact.

Gilligan? I have
great plans for you

after we're rescued.

Really, Mr. Howell?

Yes, with my financial
genius behind you,

you're bound
to get ahead.

A head?!

Be careful
what you say!

I did make a faux pas.

Mr. Howell didn't
mean what he said.

He was talking off
the top of his head.

Head?!

Lovey!
I'm so sorry,
gilligan!

I apologize from
the tip of my toes

to the top of my--
head?!

Gilligan, perhaps
you'd better drive.

Yeah!

Ohh!
Ohh!

Oh, dear!
I do hope
we're insured.

You'll have to be
more careful.

Look what
you've done.

Lovey,
are you al--

gilligan!
He's over--

a perfect set--
they match!

Hi, gilligan.
Would you
like to take

a nice, long
walk with me
in the jungle?

[Flatly]
No, thanks.

How about a cool,
refreshing swim?

I'll wear
my polka dot bikini.

I wonder if
they shrink a lot.

Then, there'd be
only one dot left.

Huh?

You asked me
if my bathing suit
shrinks.

No, I was wondering
if those headhunters

shrink a lot of heads.

Tch. Oh, gilligan.

Look at me.

You know, they say
the shortest
distance

between 2 points
is a straight line.

You know what
I'm talking about?

No, I never was
very good at math.

Oh, gilligan!

[Sighs]

Stop looking at that
silly totem pole

and look at me.

Okay.

Now, what has
that totem got

that I haven't got?

3 heads.

[Sighs]
You win!

I tried,
I really tried,

but all he
thinks about
are those heads.

And you just left him
standing there?

Well,
2's company,
3 is a crowd.

[Sighs]

I made
this boomerang for him.

I hope I can get him
interested in this.

I hope
that boomerang

has more
"boom" in it
than I had.

Gilligan?

There you are,
little buddy,

I've been looking
for you.

Look what I made
a boomerang.

W-W-Well, come on,
you know how you had

that trouble losing
things all the time?

Well, this
you can't lose.

You throw it away,
it comes back to you.

It's a boomerang,
get it?

It comes back.

Skipper, I don't
want a boomerang.

Gilligan, now,
it's a lot of fun.

It takes a lot
of practice

to learn how
to throw one.

But, skipper,
i--i--i don't
need a boomerang.

Well, gilligan,
this isn't a toy,
you know.

The natives use them
to hunt with.

Do headhunters
ever use them?

I suppose
that they could
use them--

oh, well, gilligan,
we're not talking
that seriously,

and besides--

I never threw
a boomerang.

Can I try?
Yeah, try!

Watch where
it goes now

'cause we gotta see
where it lands.
We can't lose it.

Gilligan, you almost
cut my head off!

I am a headhunter!
I knew it.

I am a headhunter!

Mary Ann:
Skipper!

Skipper!
Professor!

Mary Ann,
what is it?

Something
terrible is
gonna happen!

Something terrible
is going to happen?

Gilligan ran past me,
and had a wild look in his eye.

And an ax
in his hand.
An ax?!

We better
go find him.

I think he went
that way.

Maybe he went
that way!

Oh, never mind.
Come on, professor!

Oh, he was
so upset,

I don't which
way he went!

We gotta find him,
professor.

No telling
what he'll do.

I can't believe
that gilligan

is capable
of violence.
[Chopping]

What
was that?

It sounds like it's
coming from over there.

Come on,
let's go!

Not capable of
violence, huh?

Gilligan,
what are you doing?

I'm getting rid of
this totem pole.

Look what you've done!

What did I do?

You cut
the head off!

He's gonna move
to the other side
of the island.

He says he can't
trust himself.

He's convinced
he has all the instincts
of a headhunter.

Well, i'm
convinced, too.

I'll never forget
the look on his face

when he cut down
old grandpappy.

Gilligan has
no native instincts

either for headhunting
or survival,

and I'm not gonna
let him live alone
on the other side.

How are you
going to stop him?

By literally putting my head
on the chopping block.

What do you mean?

Watch.

Gilligan,
I brought you

a little
going-away present.

It's a hand ax.
Thought it might
come in handy

while you were out
looking for trophies.

Thanks, I'm glad
somebody believes

I'm a kupa Kai headhunter.

Why don't you start
your collection
with my head?

Huh?

I'd consider it an
honor to be your first.

What?

Professor: Well,
come on, gilligan,

chop off my head.

I mean,
a real kupa Kai

wouldn't turn down
the offer of a head.

You couldn't do it.
I'm not a headhunter.

And you're not
a kupa Kai?

No, I'm a chicken,
down to the bone.

You're not related to that old
king on the totem pole.

You couldn't make me
believe I was a kupa Kai

if I had to die
to prove it.

Whoever do this...Die!

Mashuka, great king!
Greatest headhunter
of all!

Also very
angry-looking.

Put that
back on pole.

We find
who do this!

[Whistling]

Hi, gilligan.

Oh, hi, Mary Ann.

[Coughing]
Oh, the dust!

I heard you
whistling.
You must be happy.

I am. I realized
how silly I was

thinking I was a headhunter,
that's why I'm happy.

Well, I'm happy
you're happy.

I'm happy you're happy
I'm happy.

I was thinking how great
that wooden head

would look on
the wall.

You don't want
that creepy thing
in your room.

Yeah! When nobody's here,
I could talk to myself.

We really have to put
that head back on the pole?

Yes, because of gilligan.

For now he's forgotten
about that headhunting business,

but it would be better if he
never saw any reminders.

I guess so--

don't look now,
but here are
3 big reminders

headed this way!
Come on, hide!

Are they who
I think they are?

Yes, they are
real kupa Kai
headhunters.

Hey, kupa king!

Where'd your noggin go?

Kupa king! You and I
can be friends.

I just wanna take you
back to my hut.

Kupa king?

Kupa king.
Where'd it go?

Hey, there it is.

How'd you
get up there?

Never mind.
I don't want to know.

They were headed
for the lagoon.

Yeah, I better warn
the others.

No, wait a minute,
professor.

There may be
more of them.

[Rustling in bushes]

Gilligan!

Aah! Skipper!

Gilligan,
it's only us!

I don't want
to say anything,

but there are ghosts
on the island.

Those are real
kupa Kai headhunters.

Now there's
good news--bye!

Wait a minute!
Now we've gotta
warn the others.

We'll tell
the howells,

and you go
find the girls.

Exactly! And above all,
keep out of sight.

Don't worry, skipper.
At times like this,
I'm invisible.

Eww! I've heard
of mudpacks,

but this is
ridiculous.

Don't knock it,
honey.

In Hollywood,
they charge

$25 a half hour
for this.

$25? What have they
got in it, rock Hudson?

[Laughs]

Ooh, I love it!
Okay.

Oh, no! The headhunters
got the girls!

I can't look!

Both: Hi, gilligan!

Huh?!

What's the matter?
You look like a ghost.

What's wrong
with you?

What's wrong? You looked
at yourselves lately?

How can we?
We're covered
with mud.

We're standing
in a mud bog.

I thought those
headhunters

got here
before I could.

Are you trying
to tell us there are
real headhunters?

The skipper
and the professor
saw them.

Quick, get us
out of here!

Oh, help!
Come on,
Mary Ann.

Ohh!
Unh!

Wait a minute!
One moment, please!

Stop waving that thing
in my wife's face!

Have you no manners?

Thurston, why don't
you tell these
poor souls

that we don't need
any boy scout
equipment.

I know how to deal
with aborigines.

One moment here--
you, sir, the spokesman.

How much to let
Mrs. Howell--
Mrs. Tall hat--

and me go free?
Uh, 10,000, hmm?

Uh, 100,000...500,000...

Oh, come, every man has his
price, now, what is yours?

[Speaking native language]

Sounds
terribly expensive.

Oh! Yale men!

[Yelling indistinctly]

Ooh!
Ow!

Thurston, I didn't know
we were asked for dinner.

I'm afraid, my dear,
we are the dinner.

Can't you do anything
to stop them?

No. I've even
offered them seats

on the stock
exchange.

And they
turned you down?

Just as well. They'd
probably corner

everything
in the market,

especially
the customers.

[Whispering]
The kupa kais have got

Mr. and Mrs. Howell
captive.

We've got to do
something.

It would be
too risky to try
to overpower them.

Of course,
if we got gilligan,

it would make
the sides even.

But, of course,
on second thought,

it might make
matters worse.

No, wait a minute,
skipper, you're wrong.

Gilligan could repulse them
simply by showing his face.

Oh, come on,
professor!

I mean, gilligan's
no Cary Grant,

but he certainly
doesn't have a face

like a
Frankenstein's
monster.

No, skipper,
that's not
what I meant.

Gilligan looks exactly
like that kupa Kai
on the totem pole.

Well,
what about it?

If he can convince
the headhunters

he's really
their dead king
brought back to life,

he can order them
to release the howells.

Hey, yeah,
he can save us--
save us all!

You're a born
kupa Kai if I
ever saw one!

One look
at that face,

and they're
gonna know you're
their king.

But I'm not a headhunter.
You convinced me of that.

But you've gotta
act like one.

A dead one!
How's that gonna
save the howells?

You tell the natives to
release their prisoners.

These natives
are very superstitious,

so as a king,
your word is law.

Then how come nobody
pays any attention to me?

Better check if
the howells are alright.

Alright,
but hurry it up,

because before
you finish off
gilligan,

they're apt to
finish off the howells.

Huh?
There you are!

King!
[Laughs]

Now, gilligan,
very briefly,

the kupa Kai words
for "free the
prisoners" are...

Pulu si bagumba.

Pulu si bagumba.

That's right. Now
hit the words hard

and make them sound
like you're mad.

Boogie loo gumbamba!

No, no!
Pulu si bagumba.

Now try it again.

Pulu ba--

oh, gilligan,
concentrate!

The howells are
in serious trouble.

Now try it again.

[Speaking
native language]

Thurston,
what did he say?

W-W-Well,
I don't know,

it sounded
like kupa Kai for...

"Cheerio, old chap!"

[Speaking
native language]

Both: Help! Help!

Skipper:
Wait! Wait!

[Speaking native
language]

The howells:
Skipper! Skipper!

I'm gonna be real
fair about this thing.

I'm gonna give you boys
a chance to get off the island.

There're 600 marines
waiting to attack

if I'm not back
in 5 minutes.

Thurston,
isn't that marvelous?
600 marines!

Oh, dear, and look!
We're not properly
dressed to greet them!

Lovey, this is
just a bluff.

Thurston,
don't be ridiculous.
Marines never bluff!

Believe me,
if you boys know
what's good for you,

you'd better get off
the island
right now.

You've only got
about 2 minutes
left,

and then
you'll be finished!

...nokupa.
Pulu si bagumba.

Perfect! Gilligan,
that's perfect!

Good. I wonder
what I said.

I'm getting worried.
The skipper hasn't
come back yet.

I think
we'd better go.

They're probably
scared to death by now.

And I wanna see
myself in a mirror.

We don't have time
for that.

Well, hurry up!

Mary Ann: Gilligan!

Gilligan,
come on.

Ohhh.

Professor?

Ginger? Mary Ann?

I wonder where they went.

They left without me.

[Speaking
native language]

Where's gilligan?

I don't know.
Hi.

Hey,
what are you
doing there?

Sorry we couldn't
wait for you, gilligan,

but we got all tied up.

What do I do? I only
rehearsed for the howells.

Make your appearance
exactly as we planned

only tell them
to release all of us.

How do I say that?

I think these vines
are coming loose.

We can't wait till
we get loose, gilligan,

they may kill us
at any moment.

[Grunting]

Professor:
Good heavens.

If they notice
that head missing,

they'll come over
to investigate.

I-I'll put--
I'll put it back up.

Well, hurry it up,
gilligan,

or they'll be a lot
of heads missing.

Mashuka!

[Speaking native language]

[Speaking
native language]

Mashuka?

Mashuka?
That's me?

Gilligan.

Me mashuka.

Pulu si...

Pulu si...

Pulu si...
Bagumba.

Pulu si bagumba.

Hey, that was
pretty good.

You dead king.

Why you not speak
real kupa Kai?

I've been dead
so long, I forgot?

Would you...

Mashuka!

We killed Burma mashuka!

You did it,
little buddy.

You did it.
You did it.

Like they say,
skipper,

2 heads
are better than one.

Yes.

You didn't bring us
out here to show us that?

Oh, gilligan,
not again.

When are you
gonna stop worrying

about looking
like some chap
on a totem pole?

Right now,
Mr. Howell.

Next time
the kupa Kai
show up,

you can be
their chief.

Amazing likeness.

Early rodin!

Oh, to be immortalized
in your own time.

* now, this is a tale
of our castaways *

* they're here
for a long, long time *

* they'll have to make
the best of things *

* it's an uphill climb *

* the first mate
and his skipper, too *

* will do their very best *

* to make the others
comfortable *

* in their tropic island nest *

* no phone *
* no lights *

* no motorcars,
not a single luxury *

* like Robinson crusoe *

* it's primitive as can be *

* so join us here
each week, my friends *

* you're sure to get a smile *

* from 7 stranded castaways *

* here on gilligan's isle *