Gilligan's Island (1964–1992): Season 3, Episode 11 - The Invasion - full transcript

Gilligan,
I've got a bite!

Where?

What do you mean "where"?
Out there!

Gilligan!

Hey, skipper.
I got a bite, too.

That's my bite!

No, it's my bite.

Looks like
my bite got bitten.

Don't just stand there!
Help me get him off the hook!

Hey, skipper?
Looks like a square Halibut.

Very funny.



Where do you suppose
this came from?

It's a briefcase. It looks like
it's just been arrested.

Might as well
throw it back.

No, don't throw it away!
It might be something
of value.

What, this piece of junk?

Look what's
stamped on it.

Hey, skipper,
you are right.
It is valuable.

"Genuine cowhide."

* just sit right back,
and you'll hear a tale *

* a tale of a fateful trip *

* that started
from this tropic port *

* aboard this tiny ship *

* the mate was
a mighty sailin' man *

* the skipper brave and sure *



* 5 passengers set sail that day
for a 3-hour tour *

* a 3-hour tour *

[thunder]

* the weather started
getting rough *

* the tiny ship was tossed *

* if not for the courage
of the fearless crew *

* the minnow would be lost,
the minnow would be lost *

* the ship's aground
on the shore of this *

* uncharted desert isle *

* with gilligan *

* the skipper, too *

* the millionaire and his wife *

* the movie star *

* the professor and Mary Ann *

* here on
gilligan's isle *

What a fantastic
stroke of luck.

I think this attache case
may lead to our rescue.

Well, but, professor,
we don't even know
what's it in yet.

Well, what's inside
doesn't matter.

The case itself
may get us home.

We go sailing home
in that, it's going to be
standing room only.

Well, it was
obviously handcuffed
to a secret agent.

I'm convinced that it contains
vital state department secrets,

and Washington
will spare no expense
in tracking it down.

I can't
believe it!

Imagine being rescued
after all this time.

Oh, thurston,
it sounds too good
to be true!

Pinch me, lovey,
so I know it isn't
a dream,

but not too hard.
I bruise easily.

Professor, open it,
open it, open it!

Oh, on the contrary.
If the government
finds it open,

we'd all be
in serious trouble.

No, I'm convinced
this case is top secret.

Well, then turn it over
and open it there.

Maybe the bottom
isn't secret.

Professor, open it!
I'm dying of curiosity.

Oh, so am I!

[All talking at once]

Listen! I know
it's human nature
to be curious,

but we've simply
got to forget
about this case.

Now I want you all
to promise me
by saying aye.

Aye.
Aye.

Aye.
Aye.

Aye.
Ay-yi-yi!

I've gotta figure out
what's in that case!

Gilligan!
Would you go to sleep?

I can't, skipper.
Didn't you hear
the professor say

it's human nature
to be curious?

Yeah, well,
what's human nature
got to do with you?

Forget about that case
and go to sleep.

There could be anything
in that case.

For the last time,
go to sleep!

I saw a movie about
a secret agent once.

He had
a special briefcase.

He pushed a button,
and out came
a machine gun.

[Imitating gun fire]
Cut that out!

And then he pulled out
this little stopper,
and...

[Whistling]

His briefcase
inflated into
an aircraft carrier.

His briefcase inflated
into an aircraft carrier?

I suppose his billfold
opened up into a plane.

You saw
the same movie, huh?

Gilligan, will you
cut that out?

Now we all agreed
to leave that briefcase alone.

Now go to sleep!
Uh-huh.

But I'd sure
like to sneak over
to the professor's hut

and take a peek
inside it.

You'll do no such thing!

Now forget that case,
and that's an order!
Do you read me?

Aye, aye, skipper.
Goodnight.

Goodnight!

Aircraft carriers,
machine guns...Heh!

Comic book stuff!

Of course,
a few years ago...

Ships to the moon and all,
that was comic book stuff.

Robots and...
Rocket ships to Mars...

Gilligan,
don't just lie there!

Let's go over
to the professor's hut
and take a peek.

Where are you going,
ginger?

No place.
No place?

Well, I was
a little hungry,

and I thought
I'd make myself

a peanut butter
and briefcase sandwich.

I mean--

what you mean is
you're as curious

about what's
in that briefcase
as I am.

What do you suppose
is in it?

You know, dear,
I suppose
I'm very silly,

but I do
want to know
what's in that case.

In that case,
what are we waiting for?

Oh!

What on earth
are you doing
in that odd getup?

Put out a saucer
of milk, mother.
The cat burglar prowls again!

Aah!

Shh! You wanna wake up
the professor?

Don't worry, skipper.
You won't hear
a peep out of me.

[Peep]

Gilligan!

That wasn't me
peeping, skipper.
That was him.

[Peeping]

Shh!

You'd think by this time
of the night,

he'd be too pooped
to peep.

I guess the professor
put the cage

on top of the briefcase,
probably figuring

that the birds
will make noise.

How about that!
A watchbird.

Yes, gilligan.
Come on now,
quietly.

You step up on the stool
and lift the birdcage,

and I'll grab
the briefcase.

Yeah, right.

Whoa!
Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Who's there?

Me, professor.

I thought I saw somebody
sneaking around
in your hut.

Well, obviously
somebody was.

Well, just a minute,
professor.

I mean, somebody
could have been sneaking
around in here.

Couldn't they?

Yes, perhaps even
a man from Mars.

Remember the plan?

Yeah. You're going
to go in there and
distract the professor,

you're going to put
the hook on the briefcase,

and I'm going
to reel it in.

Do you think
you can handle it?

Believe me, for this
kind of fishing,

I've got
the right kind of bait.

You're a watchbird,
aren't you? [Whistles]

[Tweeting]

Hi, professor.

Ginger! What are you
doing up at this hour?

Oh,
I couldn't sleep,

and, uh,
I was afraid of
waking Mary Ann.

Then I saw
that beautiful moon
outside,

and I thought,
what a perfect night
for romance.

I don't want
to doubt you, ginger,

but could there be
another reason
why you're here?

Well,
what other reason

could there
possibly be?

Isn't it enough
that I'm here,

and you're here?

And the case is here?

And the case
is here--

oh, professor!
Why, I'm shocked
and surprised

that you'd suspect
such a thing!

Why,
I'm overwrought!

I'm overcome,
i'm--i'm--i'm
overwhelmed!

And you're overacting.

Now, ginger, you just
go on to bed,

and you forget
all about that case.

Well, alright, professor,
but I just want you to know

I'm the last person in the world
who'd try to steal it.

Well, I hope so,
because 3 in one night

is just about
all I can take!

Well, good evening,
professor.

Hello, Mrs. Howell.
And what are you
doing here?

Well, when I saw the skipper
and gilligan and ginger

tramping in and out of here,
I became indignant.

After all, this isn't
grand central station!

Perhaps it's not
grand central station,

but everyone
is trying to claim

the same
piece of luggage!

Oh, you mean they're
all trying to steal

that poor little
attache case?

Oh, for shame,
for shame!

Well, perhaps
it's not stealing,
Mrs. Howell,

but they have a curiosity
about what's inside.

Oh, well,
frankly, professor,

I wouldn't treat
their curiosity lightly.

I found out from one
of my psychiatrists

that being over-curious
is a sickness.

Oh, he actually
told you that?

Oh, no, no, no!
I peeked into
his notes about me.

I see.

Is the hook on?

Yes, everything's fine.
Okay.

Hello, Mr. Howell.
Oh, hello there!

Oh!

So you were trying
to steal the case.

How shocking! Simply can't trust
anyone these days, can you?

More seagull eggs, skipper?
No, thank you, Mary Ann.

I've already had a dozen
of them already.

Eat another dozen
and walk them off.

If he eats another dozen
of those seagull eggs,

he can fly them off.

Good morning, professor.
Would you like
some breakfast?

No, no, no.
I am not here
to eat breakfast.

I want all of you
to know

that the attache case
is missing,

and until
it is recovered,
you are all suspects.

Does that mean
none of us can leave
the island?

Now, I'm going to put
the same question
to each one of you.

Mr. Howell,
did you sneak that case
out of my hut?

How dare you make
such an accusation!

You think I became
the head of a dozen
international corporations

by stooping to thievery?

Well, of course not.
Shows how naive you are!

How else do you get to the top
of the financial jungle?

Of course I took it!
Oh, thurston, how marvelous!

Well, thank you for confessing,
Mr. Howell.
Now where is it?

In my wine cabinet,
and I'll go get it.

Don't bother,
Mr. Howell.

Mary Ann and I
saw you hide it,

and we sneaked
it out.

We haven't
opened it yet.

It's in the food locker.
I'll go get it.

Never mind, Mary Ann.
It's no longer
in the food locker.

You mean
you saw us
hide it?

Exactly,
and I put it
in my sea bag,

so I'll go get it
right away--

don't bother, skipper.

'Cause here it is.

Well!
Thank you, gilligan.

Now do you know
what I'm going to do
with this case?

It's okay if you want
to hide it, professor.
It is your turn.

Since you're all
so curious,

strong steps
must be taken
to protect it.

It's far
too important--

good heavens!
What's in there?

What's in there? What was that?
What is it?

A top secret file
in there entitled,

"United States
defense plans
against secret attack."

We're not going
to attack anyone,
so let's look!

But don't you see? This was
probably taken from
a United States secret agent.

He probably
gave his life
defending it.

And the enemy agents who
killed him are undoubtedly
still after it.

You mean they may come
to this island
to look for the case?

In their efforts
to uncover United States
defense plans

they will leave
no stone unturned.

What are we gonna do?

Don't hide under a stone.

Gilligan!

Okay, I'll hide it
under a stone, skipper.

Put that down now
before you lose it!

Skipper, I won't lose it.
See? It's got a handcuff,

and I'll just put it
on my wrist like this, see,

and snap it,
then I can't lose it--

I also can't get loose.

Gilligan, now
you've done it!

When those spies come back here
to find this briefcase,

they're going to
find you handcuffed
to it,

and they're going to kill you
for knowing too much!

He's right, gilligan.

They're gonna kill me
for knowing too much?

That's the first time
I've been accused of that.

Are you positive
enemy spies
are after this case?

Well, it all adds up,
gilligan.

Secret U.S. defense plans,
broken handcuff...

Our enemies are bound
to come after this case.
They're desperate.

Not as desperate
as I am.

How are you doing,
professor?

I'm afraid this isn't
going to work, skipper.

What we need
is a skeleton key.

If you don't get
this case off me,

you're going to have
a skeleton me!

Hi.
Hello, ginger.

No luck yet,
huh?

We've had luck,
but it's all been bad.

Well,
we brought something
that might help out.

It's crushed
banana peel oil.

If you put a little
on gilligan's wrist,

the handcuff
might slip off.

Here, let's try.

Ow! It's hot!
Gilligan!

You're a walking disaster area!
I'll clean it up, skipper.

Never mind!
I've got an idea.

Come over here
to this tree.

Gilligan, you stand
right there.

Uh, professor,
would you give us
a hand, please?

Now, gilligan will
grab onto the tree
and hang on to it.

We will pull on
the briefcase

and pull the handcuff
right over his wrist.

Alright?
Now hang on good,
gilligan.

You ready?
Mm-hmm.

Professor...

1...2...3...

Heave!

3 hours and I still
haven't been able
to pick this lock.

You would've made
a crummy crook.

I don't know if this can
be of any help,

but Mrs. Howell and
I happen to have some
keys right here.

One of those should fit.

Why do you carry
so many keys?

Because we own
so many things.

This is to our house
in Florida.

And this is to our
house in Maine, yes.

This is to our house
in California.

And this is
to our house in Texas.

How many houses do you have?
48.

50, my dear,
since we let Hawaii and
Alaska join the club.

Gilligan, house keys
are useless.

Handcuff keys are
specially designed.

Professor, we have
to do something fast.

Those spies will
be here any minute and
they're going to kill me.

I'm doomed! I'm doomed!

Doomed!
Doomed, doomed! Doomed!

Gilligan, why don't you
get some sleep?

How can I go to sleep
when I know spies
are coming to kill me?

[Laughs] Don't you worry,
little buddy.

I'm guarding you.

If the spies come,

I'll fight 'em,
I'll smash 'em...

And...

[Snoring]

I know,
you'll snore 'em
to death.

I'd be a spy myself...
Secret agent.

Yeah, then I wouldn't
need any help.

Yeah. Secret agent
gilligan...Yeah...

Secret...agent...
Gilligan...

Woman on intercom:
Yes, chief?

Send in agent 014.

Here, chief.
Ready for another exciting
secret mission.

014,
your mission today

is to get
this attache case

through
to the secretary
of defense.

Now, it's
a very dangerous
mission,

and you could be
killed.

Oh, well.
That's spy biz.

You feel up to it?
Of course.

You are talking
to the greatest secret agent
since Beethoven.

I didn't know
Beethoven was
a secret agent.

You see how great he was?

Well, in any case,

we've provided you
with a weapons arsenal.

Chief, I don't need
a weapons arsenal.

I have my own, see?

You call that
a weapons arsenal?
A comb?!

It's not a comb, chief.

It's a radio/telephone/radar
unit.

Good heavens!

And that razor?

This is a pistol,
designed for use
at close quarters.

Every bullet is guaranteed
to give at least
15 close shaves.

Heavens to Betsy!
And what's that,
a nail file?

I'll show you, chief. Shoot me.
What?

You heard me, chief. Shoot me!
As you wish.

You see, chief?

A powerful anti-bullet
magnetic shield.

Why, that's fantastic.
A radio/telephone/radar
unit,

razor pistol,
and a magnetized
anti-bullet shield

all in
a toilet case.

Wait a minute,
wait a minute.
What is that?

A toothbrush. I promised
my mother I'd brush my teeth
after every mission.

Oh.

Alright, 014,
you're on your way.

But remember,
our archenemy,
e-v-i-l--

evil?
That's right!

Knows all about
this mission.

Next to me and Beethoven,

Mr. Evil
is the greatest spy
in the biz.

Now there's
one more thing.

Should evil
get you into
a very tight spot,

there is one thing
to do.

You merely press
this button,

the case blows up,

and you blow up,
too.

That's a comfort, chief.

Alright, 014.

Let's
go over the mission
once more.

Evil agent 10
calling headquarters.

Yes, evil agent 10?

Good guy agent 014

will be coming
through the door
any minute

with an attache case.

I'm prepared
to dispose of him.

Good. Don't forget,

it's vital to get him
with the first bullet.

Oh, yes, master.

Don't forget,
bullets are not
tax deductible.

Yes, master.

Mary Ann, please phone
the parking lot and tell them
to get my car ready.

Oh, yes, master--
I mean, it's already been
taken care of.

Good. I'm off
on another mission

as soon as I kiss
my fiancee goodbye.

But first,
you better kiss yourself
goodbye.

What are you doing
with that
chrysanthemum?

Oh, it's just not
an ordinary chrysanthemum,
my friend.

It's a .45 caliber
chrysanthemum.

Oh, no.

Afraid of bullets, 014?

No, allergic
to chrysanthemums.

Oh! You got me!

You got me!
I'm going...

I'm going...I'm going...

Before you go,
Mary Ann,

would you validate
my parking ticket?

Thank you.

[Buzzer]

Oh, dear!
The hot line.

Yes?

Evil agent 5, please.

Well, this is agent 5.
Can't you see?

Well, how can I see
through all this barley?

Sorry about that,
chief.

Listen.
Evil agent 10 failed.

Good guy 014 is on his way
to see you.

You have plans
to dispose of him,
of course?

Oh, o-of course!

Um, the steak
is full of arsenic,

and, uh,
the sauterne is full
of strychnine.

Ecch! Ghastly!
No, no, no!

What's wrong?
Do you object
to poisoning him?

No, I object to white wine
served with meat.

Oh, then I'll have
to use operation 2.

I've applied a coat of
this poisonous lipstick

that's designed
especially to react

on agent 014's
chemical composition,

and it'll surely
destroy him.

Oh, good, good!
The kiss of death!

[Doorbell rings]

Oh, that's
agent 014 now.

Remember, the future
of our evil organization
depends on you.

[Doorbell rings]

I'd better
get the door.

Our future,
your future,

the entire future
of the evil organization

depends on the fact
that you make good guy 014,

reduce him to a zero,
understand?

Remember our motto...

[Gurgling and mumbling]

Hello.
Darling.

I'm off on another good guy
secret mission.

Let me tell you
about it.

First kiss,
then tell.

You know us secret agents
never kiss and tell.

My hero.

How do you feel?

In the pink.

Cherry blossom pink,
to be exact.

Ohh! Ohh!

I kissed you so hard
my poison lipstick
kicked back.

But it didn't
do anything to you.

How come?

So many women try to kiss
us secret agents,

we have to carry
special protection...

Lip guards.

Oh, I'm going,
014...

I'm...gone...

Oh, well.
I never did believe
in long engagements.

My hat.

Sorry
about that.

Me, too!

Mother?

Here, Sonny boy.
Where are you?

You're hiding again?

There you are.
Hello, son.

Mother, I'm off
on another secret mission.

Oh, my baby!
Well, promise me now

that you'll be
careful crossing
the streets,

that you'll wear
your long underwear,

and that you'll write me
every single night.

Mother,
you know something?

What?
You need a shave.

Well, I've gotta be going.

Oh, no, no, no.
Come, Sonny boy.

Sit down, and mommy
will make you some
of her homemade soup.

Mom, you've got
the fastest stove
in the west.

Yes.

Oh, here. Let me take
that heavy bag off your arm

so that you can eat.

No! I just
realized something.

What?
You're not my mother.

How did you find out?

My real mother
would have made me
wash my hands

before I eat.
And besides...

My real mother...
Is a woman!

What are you going
to do to me, 014, kill me?

No, that's too good
for you.

I have a torture for you
worse than death.

You mean...

Exactly.
Sit down there
at the table,

eat your soup!
And don't spill
a drop!

Yes. Yes.
Yes, alright.

Bad news, evil agent lovey.
Again?

Evil agent 10 failed,
evil agent 5 failed,

evil agent one failed.

And as a result,
do you know what happened?

Yes. Evil stock
went down $20 a share.

Aw,
you poor evil darling.

Ah, but good guy 014
can't escape us now.

When he comes to deliver
the attache case
to the secretary,

little does he know
that I have disposed of
the secretary.

Ah! Fortunately,
good guy 014

hasn't even seen
the secretary,

so he'll give
the attache case
to you!

And once he's
delivered it, he'll never
know anything again.

Welcome,
agent 014.

The secretary
is waiting

for that
attache case.

Here, I'll take it,
good guy 014.

Thank you.

Now that you've
delivered it...

Here's
your reward...

You fool!

[Gunshot]

Good heavens!
014 is a machine!

Oh, dear! And he seems
to have popped his rivets.

A-ha!

I suspected foul play,

so I took
the standard precaution

of sending in
my robot double first.

Now I know why
they call you 014.

You do?

Yes. You're twice as smart
as 007.

Look! Who's that
behind you?

Aah!

Lovey, help me get
the case!

No!
Yes!

Wake up, gilligan!
Wake up!

Must have been a dream!
A dream?

Yeah, I dreamt all of you
were enemy spies.

You were trying
to get this case and--

hey, skipper, look.
There's a key in there.

I wonder what that's for?
I don't know.

But I sure wish
it was for the handcuff lock,

then I just put it in
like that, see.

Turn it, and then
I could just open it,

and I'd be free, see?

Skipper, I'm free!

Professor!
I don't have to worry

about enemy spies
showing up here
a-a-and killing me.

No, I don't think
we have to worry

about enemy spies
showing up at all.

Huh?
Huh?

Y-You mean
that these aren't

vital United States
defense plans?

They're vital
defense plans, alright.

From world war I!
World war I?

Yes, that case
must have been floating
around the pacific

for over 50 years.

There,
you see, gilligan?

All the panic
you went through
was for nothing.

Panic? What panic?

I wasn't scared, skipper.
If this case had been valuable,

and enemy spies had shown up,
I would have been the bravest--

we heard gilligan shouting!
We thought that something
was wrong.

It's them! It's Mr. Evil
and his moll! Run! Hide!

Quick, take cover!
They're after the case!

Help, somebody,
save me! Help!

Mary Ann was a receptionist,
and she tried to kill me

with a loaded
crysan--crysanthu--
flower.

And ginger
was an evil agent,

and she pretended
to be my fiancee,

and she tried to kill me
with a kiss of death,
and---

skipper,
you were my mother.

I was your mother?

Yeah, I felt
terrible about it.

Well, think how terrible
your father must have felt!

Gilligan, was I
in your dream?

Yeah! You were the head
of the good guys,
and you sure were tough.

I was?

When you sent me
on the mission,

you told me
the briefcase
was booby-trapped,

and if I got
in a tight spot,
I should blow myself up.

Well, it was
only a dream,

but now that the nightmare
is over, let's forget it.

Imagine that.
A booby-trapped
attache case!

Did you ever hear anything
so silly?

What a dream!

[Blast]

* they're here
for a long, long time *

* they'll have to make
the best of things *

* it's an uphill climb *

* the first mate
and his skipper, too *

* will do their very best *

* to make the others
comfortable *

* in their tropic island nest *

* no phone, no light *

* no motor cars,
not a single luxury *

* like Robinson crusoe *

* it's primitive as can be *

* so join us here
each week, my friends *

* you're sure to get a smile *

* from 7 stranded castaways
here on gilligan's isle *