Gilligan's Island (1964–1992): Season 1, Episode 26 - Music Hath Charms - full transcript

["The Ballad Of
Gilligan's Isle"]

¶ Just sit right back
and you'll hear a tale ¶

¶ A tale of a fateful trip ¶

¶ That started from
this tropic port ¶

¶ Aboard this tiny ship ¶

¶ The mate was
a mighty sailin' man ¶

¶ The Skipper brave and sure ¶

¶ Five passengers
set sail that day ¶

¶ For a three-hour tour ¶

¶ A three-hour tour ¶

[thunder rumbling]



¶ The weather
started getting rough ¶

¶ The tiny ship was tossed ¶

¶ If not for the courage
of the fearless crew ¶

¶ The Minnow would be lost ¶

¶ The Minnow would be lost ¶

¶ The ship set ground
on the shore of this ¶

¶ Uncharted desert isle ¶

¶ With Gilligan ¶

¶ The Skipper too ¶

¶ The millionaire ¶

¶ And his wife ¶

¶ The movie star ¶

¶ And the rest ¶

¶ Are here
on Gilligan's Isle ¶



[drum beats]

Oh, Gilligan.
How utterly utterly charmy!

Huh?

You sitting in
the middle of the jungle

playing
a percussion instrument.

I thought I was playing a drum.

My dear boy, a drum is
a percussion instrument.

Oh, let me
percuss for you.

Oh, you've no idea
what memory this recalls.

All those rapturous hours
at the Philomene.

Listening to Beethoven
and Brahms and Mozart.

I'm hungry for music,
Gilligan. Hungry.

Care for drumstick?

You give me
the most marvelous idea.

I have?

What is it we need
on this island?

- A way to get off.
- Culture.

And what's more
cultural than music?

Gilligan, we'll form our
own little symphony orchestra.

And you my dear boy,
you will be the drummer.

In that case, I better
start practicing, huh?

Uh-huh.

[drum beats]

[drum beats continue]

[drum beats continue]

[drum beats continue]

[speaking tribal language]

[shouting]

You know, Thurston,
it's quite a problem

deciding what to open up
with in our first concert.

What's your opinion of
Brahms' lullaby?

Well, it's great
if you wanna take a nap.

Hold still,
you little rascal.

Thurston, I don't like
your attitude

or your lack of enthusiasm.

It was only last year that
you gave 5 million dollars

to the New England
Symphony Orchestra.

That was to keep them
in New England.

Second thought, I think
we better open up

with Beethoven's V.

I'd like to open up
anybody's V.

Ha, that was
a witty one, Lovey.

Thurston, you're not paying
any attention to me.

But Lovey, why bother
with an orchestra?

There are more important
things on this island.

Indispensable things,
like, say, a polo field.

I'm sorry you feel like that,
but I'm gonna forge ahead.

There's only one thing
that's holding up our project

and that's finding
a good conductor.

Symphony, orchestra,
with all the things..

Did you say
a good conductor?

Oh, what you do with your wrist.
The resemblance is fantastic.

You have
Leonard Bernstein's wrist.

I wonder what he's using
at Lincoln Center.

Oh, darling, I hope
it's not an imposition

but would you consider
conducting the orchestra?

Well, I'd have to give it
serious consideration.

- Well--
- That's enough, yes.

And our first number
will be

"Flight of the
Zumble Bumble Bumblebee."

Oh, I got it.

[drum beats]

- Hi, Skipper, what you doing?
- Hello, Gilligan.

I shall use this branch
to make a baton for myself.

I'm going to conduct
the orchestra.

- You?
- Certainly, who else?

You think I'm an amateur?

I lead the navy band
on my destroyer.

- I never knew that.
- Certainly.

For five years, we almost
got honorable mention.

I didn't know
you were that good.

Don't you think
this will make a good baton?

'Put your drum down and give me
a hand, will you, Gilligan?'

And, now, when I pull,
you pull with me.

Okay.

Pull!

Pull!

Gilligan, I should have
known better.

Asking your help is like putting
a fire out with gasoline.

You don't need a belt, Skipper.
Not with that great big--

- 'Gilligan.'
- Chest.

That's better.

That looks like
a good B-flat.

Looks more like
a G to me. Let's see.

B-flat, yeah.

That's a little low.

That's
a little high.

- That's perfect.
- That's my knuckles.

I'm sorry.

It's just
not right.

Well, no wonder,
it's longer than the rest.

Here, I'll cut it off,
right there.

Hi, Gilligan.
Hi, Ginger.

- Hi, Mary Ann.
- Hi.

Hey! Hey,
listen to this.

- Recognize this?
- No.

- It's Melancholy Baby.
- How about that?

- It's not even finished.
- It sounds beautiful.

What's the matter
with you?

Oh, I'm the only one who doesn't
have an instrument to play.

Oh, that's a shame,
Mary Ann.

Hey, why not
this one here?

- What?
- Yeah, watch.

So all you do is, take it like
this and bend it like that.

tung

- Think I can play it?
- Sure, why not?

- I don't have an ear for music.
- You just need a knee.

tung

Hey! Oh, Gilligan,
you're wonderful.

tung

¶ Do do do do dah
Dee dee dee dee ¶¶

Thurston, what are you
doing with two batons?

Well, when Mickey Mantle
comes to home plate

he always waves
two bats, you see.

Oh, darling, you have
a magnificent brilliant mind.

And it's ideal
for Rimsky Korsakov.

One for Rimsky
and the other for Korsakov.

As we say in musical circles
Bach to Bach, over there.

Patrons and sponsors,
if you please.

¶ Da da dee dah ¶

¶ Da da da dum ¶

¶ Da da da dum ¶
¶ Da da da dum ¶

¶ Da da da dum ¶

Wait a minute, there's
an echo in this island.

- It's me, Mr. Howell.
- Oh.

I see you're getting
ready to conduct.

Yes, I'm just gonna
say one-ah and a two-ah

to borrow some numbers
from our friend, Lawrence Welk.

Professor, have you decided
on your musical instrument?

I have, Mrs. Howell.

If this turns out
as I anticipate

I'll be playing the flute.

Then it will be a flute.

'Cause there isn't enough
wood there for a cello.

Toodle-oo, I've to make
arrangements for our rehearsal.

Yes, yes.
Of course, darling.

That's very ingenious, when does
it go back on the assembly line?

Practically finished
right now, Mr. Howell.

[flute music]

That's very good.
Ready for the rehearsal.

Over there, Professor.
The conductor, there we are.

[off key music]

[off key music continues]

Just a moment, Mr. Howell.

Just what do you think
you're doing?

I'm getting ready for rehearsal
for the concert, you see.

Oh, there must be
some misunderstanding.

- You see, I'm the conductor.
- Oh, no.

You're the Skipper
and I'm the conductor.

Oh, just hold it, Professor.
I wanna tell you, what is this?

That looks like a long
toothpick or short pool cube.

It's a baton,
and who made you the conductor?

An impartial judge,
Mrs. Howell.

I thought so.

For your information, I used to
conduct the band for the Navy.

Well, any music that you
conducted should be banned.

- Very funny.
- Yes.

Well, I will prove to you
who is the best conductor.

Professor.

Just a minute, Professor.
You take it from me.

- I shall lead the orchestra.
- No. I'm leading the orchestra.

Oh, on guard,
Mr. Howell.

You'll take
it from me.

Oh!

Quiet. Quiet.
Musicians, hush.

- Gilligan.
- Oh.

Now, we'll start
our first number.

One-ah, two-ah, three-ah.

[orchestral music]

[loud horn]

What was that?
Sounded like a fog horn.

It was.

What is a fog horn
doing in our orchestra?

I'm sorry, Maestro,
but it can't be helped.

This is the fog horn
of the SS Minnow.

Sounds alright to me. We need it
for "Foggy Day in London Town."

Thank you, Ginger.

Now, let's get on with
Strauss and the Blue Danube.

One-ah, two-ah, three-ah.

[music continues]

Ow!

Musicians, please.

Among all those beautiful notes
that sounded like a clinker.

It's that square
on the triangle.

This is a very difficult
instrument.

It's easy to play
a wind instrument.

Yeah, especially for you,
with all that hot air.

Arturo Toscanini.
I've...been insulted.

Ah, ah, ah, ah.
No temper, more tempo.

(Mrs. Howell)
'One-ah, two-ah, three-ah.'

[music continues]

[music ends]

[drum beats]

[men shouting]

[drum beat continues]

[speaking tribal language]

[orchestral music continues]

[shouting hysterically]

- Where'd he come from?
- I don't know.

How dare you interrupt
our concert.

[speaking tribal language]

Stop with those lame excuses.
You're absolutely uncivilized.

Please, Mr. Howell, I'll try
to communicate with him.

Uh. Parlez-vous Francais?

Si habla Espanol?

Sprechen sie Deutsch?

Let me try it.

[speaking gibberish]

[replying in tribal language]

- What did he say?
- Who?

- 'Him.'
- I don't know.

He just answered you.
What did he say?

I forgot
what I asked him.

Oh! Let me handle this!

I'll speak a language that
everybody understands. Money.

Here, buy yourself
a mahogany surf board.

Ah, shrewd fellow.
He wants more. There you go.

Now, give me that back.

According to
the markings on this knife

I'd say this fellow is a member
of a fierce primitive tribe.

What's he doing
on this island?

He's probably an advance scout
for the tribe.

We're in danger
of being attacked.

We better not
tell the others.

[tribal music]

Look!

[tribals shouting]

[screaming]

- What are we gonna do?
- Come here, darling.

Stay calm, everybody. We'll head
for the south end of the island.

South. This way.

Oops! wait!

East end. East end.

[screaming]

Wait!

This way.
The west end.

The west end.

[comical music]

Look!

What do we do now?
We're all out of ends.

[tribals chattering]

What's going on
out there?

[whispering]
Gilligan. They hear us,
we're finished.

Skipper, we've gotta
face something.

Those natives are gonna find
the cave where we're hiding.

But if we stay in that cave,
we're gonna starve to death.

- That's a great idea.
- What's a great idea?

If we're skin and bones,
those cannibals won't kill us.

So, if we starve to death
we'll save our lives.

Oh, I'm so cold.
This cave is freezing at night.

The best way to keep warm is
to stay close together.

Can we light a fire?

Even my blue blood is
starting to cube up.

I'm frozen.
I've got peacock bumps.

- You mean goosebumps.
- On a howl?

Skipper, I'm freezing.
I'm going numb. I'm going numb.

If everyone wants to keep nice
and warm, I know a perfect way.

- Oh, how?
- Just follow me.

Brrr.

Where are we going?

We're gonna give ourselves
up to the cannibals

and they'll put us
in a nice hot pot.

I can't see a thing out there.
It's alright to start the fire.

Good, professor.
Here, Gilligan.

Take these two sticks.
Start rubbing 'em together.

Aye aye, sir.

[comical music]

Would it be faster
if I helped you?

No, it'd be faster
if I used my matches.

- Matches. You got matches?
- Sure.

Why didn't
you use them?

Because you told me
to rub two sticks together.

Light that fire.

[fire crackling]

Even with those
savages outside

I feel better now that
we have this fire.

I still got goosebumps,
but at least they're warm.

If it weren't for those
cannibals, we could have picnic.

Don't mention cannibals
and picnic in the same breath.

If they find this cave,
we'll be the main course.

- Thurston.
- Very vulgar.

At least let me think
of myself as the dessert.

Barbeque, hot dogs
and hamburgers.

Oh, Gilligan.
Stop the food talk.

- But I'm hungry.
- Oh, we all are.

We haven't eaten
for ten hours.

Ten hours.
Then I'm starved.

Don't mention food.
It makes us hungrier.

Alright. Alright.
I won't mention food again.

I won't mention food even
if you burn me at the stake.

Steak!

Skipper, I recall reading
a Professor Oldenberg's text

on primitive tribes
and customs.

The more primitive the tribe,
the more superstitious it is.

Well, with this bunch
we must have hit the jackpot.

And they're terrified
of various Gods.

Listen, if we could convince
them that we are Gods

with mystical powers,
they might flee and panic.

Professor, how are we
gonna do that?

Professor Oldenburg
sighted a case where

he saved his own life by using
a radio on the Papuan Tribe.

They heard voice coming from a
box, thought professor was God.

Well, it's worth a chance.
In here, we'll starve to death.

- I'll get the radio.
- Good luck, Professor.

And I'll take Gilligan
along with me.

Lots of luck, Professor.

[tribals chattering]

Let's hope this works.

I sure hope so.
Look at those sharp spears.

I'd hate to wind up
like a shish kebab.

Here goes.

Don't you think you oughta
turn the radio on?

- Oh.
- Hope it gets 'em good.

(man on radio)
'Tomorrow will be warm and sunny
followed by showers.'

'So don't forget.'

'If you need money,
drop in at our office.'

'...red tape, just ask
for friendly help.'

Here you go, Gilligan.
You hold it.

I'm gonna try to hasten
their departure.

(man on radio)
'Friendly Henry has
a solid institution..'

[radio stops]

Come on, Henry.
Get friendly again.

[tribals chattering]

Oh-oh.

[shouting]

Where are they?
They've been gone for hours.

Don't worry, Skipper. Professor
can cope with anything.

That man's got a good
head on his shoulders.

I'm worried
about Gilligan.

He's got some on
his shoulders, too.

Except I can't figure
out what it is.

Gilligan, ha ha.
Where's the Professor?

- They got 'em.
- 'Oh, no.'

They thought we were Gods until
Friendly Henry stopped talking.

- Who's that?
- Radio announcer, he was--

Never mind that, Gilligan.
We've got to go and rescue him.

Right.

Find something to make
them think we're Gods.

- The flash light.
- The flash light. Good idea.

[dramatic music]

[snoring]

Oh, the poor Professor.

What happened to him, Gilligan?
Did you see him?

No, but some of those
natives look fatter.

They've probably got him
tied up someplace.

I sure hope so.

We'll get him after we
get rid of these natives.

I'll take the flashlight,
flash it in their faces

and frighten them into
thinking we're some kinda Gods.

- Right.
- Give me the flashlight.

- Come on, Gilligan.
- Yeah.

[shouting]

I am the God of light.

[tribals growling]

I am the God of light.

[tribals growling]

Gilligan,
it doesn't work.

I guess I forgot
to put the batteries in.

[shouting]

- Pot! Pot!
- Uh...big pot!

- Jackie Gleason.
- Sounds like..

Gilligan, what's the matter?
Where's the captain?

- They got him.
- Oh, not the Skipper too.

Oh, you didn't trip
and drop the flashlight.

No, I forgot
to put the batteries in.

We've got to rescue them.
Let's go, Gilligan.

- You want me to go along?
- Yeah, come on, let's go.

- Thurston! Thurston.
- Lovey, my dear, a final word.

What was that charade
we were trying to guess?

The natives are restless
tonight. Ha ha ha.

[natives chattering]

What is that
thing anyway?

The fire extinguisher
from the SS Minnow.

We're supposed to rescue
Professor and Skipper.

Leave the fire
to Smokey the Bear, will you?

How will we convince those
natives we're Gods?

- Know the white stuff in this?
- It's carbon dioxide.

I'll spray it over my head,
they'll see my hair turn white.

Feel my hair
turning white, right now.

Mr. Howell,
just follow me.

Watch this now,
Mr. Howell.

[shouting hysterically]

[shouting]

Ha ha ha.

How about that? They're all
scared, thinking I'm God.

- You wanna try it?
- Yeah, here let my try.

[shouting]

Oh! Wait a minute..

[shouting]

- Poor boy, where's Thurston?
- They got him.

- He's much too rich to die.
- He'll be alright. I'm sure.

What do we do now?
That's the end of the men.

- I'm still here.
- As I was saying..

I'll show you.
I'll rescue them.

Don't leave us here alone.

This is where they were,
but they're gone.

- What's happened to them?
- Where can they be?

- They had a good meal and left.
- Oh, Gilligan.

It's almost daylight.

Oh, maybe they went
to our camp. Let's go see.

Yeah.

[tribal music]

[tribals shouting]

We're marooned on this island.

They can't understand what we're
saying. They're going anyway.

They liked my drum playing,
I'll give a send off.

- Never mind that now.
- I wanna be friendly.

[banging drums]

[drums continue]

[speaking tribal language]

¶ Now, this is the tale
of the castaways ¶

¶ They're here
for a long, long time ¶

¶ They'll have to make
the best of things ¶

¶ It's an uphill climb ¶

¶ The first mate
and his Skipper too ¶

¶ Will do their very best ¶

¶ To make
the others comfortable ¶

¶ In their tropic island nest ¶

¶ No phone, no lights,
no motorcars ¶

¶ Not a single luxury ¶

¶ Like Robinson Crusoe ¶

¶ It's primitive as can be ¶

¶ So join us here
each week my friends ¶

¶ You're sure to get a smile ¶

¶ From seven
stranded castaways ¶

¶ Here on Gilligan's isle ¶¶