Gilligan's Island (1964–1992): Season 1, Episode 27 - New Neighbor Sam - full transcript

["The Ballad Of
Gilligan's Isle"]

¶ Just sit right back
and you'll hear a tale ¶

¶ A tale of a fateful trip ¶

¶ That started from
this tropic port ¶

¶ Aboard this tiny ship ¶

¶ The mate was
a mighty sailing man ¶

¶ The Skipper brave and sure ¶

¶ Five passengers
set sail that day ¶

¶ For a three-hour tour ¶

¶ A three-hour tour ¶

[thunder rumbling]



¶ The weather started
getting rough ¶

¶ The tiny ship was tossed ¶

¶ If not for the courage
of the fearless crew ¶

¶ The Minnow would be lost ¶

¶ The Minnow would be lost ¶

¶ The ship set ground
on the shore ¶

¶ Of this uncharted
desert isle ¶

¶ With Gilligan ¶

¶ The Skipper too ¶

¶ The millionaire ¶

¶ And his wife ¶

¶ The movie star ¶

¶ And the rest ¶

¶ Are here on Gilligan's Isle ¶



When I was a kid, we went
to the beach on Saturday.

Friday, we were bored 'cause on
Saturday we'd go to the beach.

- You know what I mean?
- Yes, I know.

We worried if bus was late,
we wouldn't get to the beach

until it was late,
if we reached late--

Here, that ought
to keep quiet for a while.

Stay right here while I go
gather some more wood.

[mumbling]

(male #1)
'Now listen, you guys,
and listen good.'

'You and Louis case the island'

'for a place to sleep tonight'

'and don't forget, if you
see anybody, shoot to kill.'

[wood clattering]

Gilligan?
Gilligan?

[mumbling]

That's a good boy.

- You can let go of that--
- Get down, get down.

- "Shoot to kill."
- What are you talking about?

Follow me, follow me, follow me.

Gee.

- They're right behind the hill.
- Who is right behind the hill?

(male #1)
'Arty, you and Sid know
what to do. Get going.'

(male #2)
'You mean what
you said to Gus and Louis?'

(male #1)
'I did, if you see
anybody, shoot to kill'

'and ask questions later.'

(male #2)
'Good enough
for me, boss.'

That's good enough for me too.

So that's how we made
our getaway.

- Isn't it, Gilligan?
- Yeah.

Gilligan has a vivid imagination
but since you both heard them.

- Tell 'em what the boss said.
- I will, he said--

He said, "If you see anybody,
shoot to kill

and ask questions later."

- What are we gonna do?
- Don't worry. I'll protect you.

- I'll be murdered in my bed.
- Over my dead body.

- Oh-h-h.
- Oh, I'm sorry, sorry, Lovey.

All women are so delicate.

Well, what do you
think, Professor?

You saw how many
gangsters were there?

There was Louis and Arty
and Sid and..

Sounds like
a teenage singing group.

- Is that all, just four?
- No, there are plenty more.

- How many? Take a guess?
- Thirty seven.

- You counted 37 gangsters?
- No, that's my guess. Do I win?

Cut that out.
We're not playing a game.

Now, Professor, I figured
there was maybe eight or nine?

- You know something, Skipper?
- Got an idea brewing?

Well, obviously they got
to this island by boat.

We could sneak on board, borrow
their boat, take off for Hawaii?

- That'd be stealing.
- These men are gangsters.

If they find us,
they'll kill us, you said so.

- You still think it's stealing?
- Let's borrow their boat.

We oughta figure out

where they've set up camp
and stay outta their way.

I'll get Mr. Howell,
and we'll reckon later.

We'll get Mr. Howell
and reckon later.

I think we gotta scatter out
a bit first.

Come on, Gilligan.

[instrumental music]

[whistling]

[whistling continues]

[whistling continues]

Gilligan, can't you breathe
without whistling?

I'm sorry
but I can't help it.

When I'm nervous, my breath
comes in short whistles.

Well, stop breathing
or go back to camp.

[gasping]

Get down.

[whistling]

Oh, oh, oh.

Would you ladies
mind giving me a hand?

- Sure.
- Thanks.

Here we go.

To the right, Gilligan.

Move a bit more to the right.
Wait, what's that noise I hear?

That's why I was sent to guard
y'all. Let's not talk of it.

- Let go, I've got it tied off.
- Yeah, oh, alright.

Now if you ladies
will step aside, please.

Not you Mary Ann,
you're guarding the trigger.

- I'll show how catapult works.
- Oh, if it works.

[giggles]

Say a gangster is at the door.

[screams]

- The gangsters are at the door.
- Where? where?

Isn't that what
you told me to say?

Huh? Oh, yeah, well.

[knock]

The gangsters are at the door.
I'll begin the countdown.

Ten, nine, eight, seven, six

'five, four'

three, two, one, pull.

- Look out for the chair.
- What?

[screaming]

- Thanks a lot, Gilligan.
- But it worked.

Let's get going.

I wanna find the Professor and
Mr. Howell before it's dark.

- Did you see any gangsters?
- Not so far.

Oh, Skipper, I hope they
haven't captured Mr. Howell.

He'll lead the whole gang
right back here.

Don't worry. Even if they do
capture, he won't say anything.

- Even if they torture him.
- You don't know my husband.

He has a very low
threshold of pain.

He'll answer
any questions they ask

if they so much
as pluck an eyebrow.

I wouldn't worry
about his eyebrow.

If those gangsters
see Mr. Howell

they have definite orders,
"shoot to kill.."

Come on, Gilligan, we better
go find them right away.

[screams]

"...and ask question later."

[dramatic music]

[rustling]

What's that?

Maybe it was Sid or Arty
or Louis or Gus.

Get down.

[rustling]

Ah!

I'm-I'm Thurston Howell III,
I'm filthy rich.

I'll take you
to my wife's jewels.

Mr. Howell?

I'll give you
a thousand blank checks

I'll teach you to sign
my name I'll give you a..

Oh, sorry about your leg.

(male #3)
'Just as soon as
Arty and Louis get back'

'we're gonna plan the attack.'

(male #1)
'He's guarding
the boat, stupid.

Gus has a gun.

Louis is guarding the boat,
stupid...Skipper.

(male #3)
'Thanks, boss.'

(male #1)
'We'll let 'em have it
at the crack of dawn.'

- I think I'm gonna faint.
- Not now, Mr. Howell.

Later. I'll faint later.

Come on, we better
get back to camp.

Wait, does Louis have the gun?
Or is he guarding the boat?

- Was that Sid or Gus--
- Shut up and come on.

- Watch out, Mary Ann.
- I will, Mr. Howell.

- Ah, brave, ah.
- Yes, darling.

- Stout girl, Ginger.
- Yes, Mr. Howell.

I still say we gotta take their
boat and get off this island.

Suppose we find their boat
and overpower their guard

there's the possibility
that the others will find

our camp deserted and capture us
before we can leave.

It will be dawn in another hour.
They're practically on us now.

We haven't got a chance.

It'll take a small army with
guns to keep the gangsters away.

A small army.
A small army with guns.

What are you talking about?

W-w-well, it's an old movie,
Beau Geste, don't you remember?

I remember Beau Geste,
what about it?

We'll do the same thing Beau did

when the Arabs were
about to attack the fort.

I get it. Beau Geste, yeah.

- Tell 'em about it.
- Well--

Gary Cooper was in his fort,
about to be attacked, alone--

Gary Cooper put dead soldiers
all over the place

and he put guns in their hand,
to look like they had more men.

- Wha-what happened? Go on.
- Digby got shot.

Digby was Beau's
younger brother.

Got shot like this.

[imitating gunshot]

Oh, Digby.
Oh, Digby.

Oh, Digby.
Oh, Digby, speak to me.

Nurse Drusilla.
They got me.

Don't leave me, Digby.
You're the one I love, not Beau.

You've got to live.

You've got to live.
You've got to.

[whistling]

You've got to stop whistling
or get another nurse.

You know, it's
a very interesting idea.

There's only one problem. The
dead soldiers here will be us.

No, we'll take your clothes,
dress 'em like dead soldiers

and I'll get 'em.

Wait a minute,
you come back here.

My clothes? Soldiers?

Well, they are obviously not GI.

Mr. Howell, what we're
gonna do is stuff them

so they look like soldiers.

What a wonderful invention,
instant men.

'Here come the soldiers.
Here come the army.'

Oh, I'm proud of you, Digby,
you too nurse Drusilla.

Oh, my beautiful
Hampstead suits.

I won't permit it.

In that case, pick up the suit
you wanna be buried in.

I'll permit it.

Ginger, now be sure
and keep those big eyes open.

Professor, thanks.
Mary Ann, watch, watch.

Mr. and Mrs. Howell, this is
the zero hour, keep a good look.

[whistling]

Get out there on the wall.

[sigh]

(male #1)
'Okay, Louis. Okay, Sid.
Keep down, Gus.'

'And remember, all you guys,
shoot to kill.'

- Oh.
- Oh, Lovey.

Now, listen,
don't any panic body

just because
the comesters are ganging.

Skipper's right.
If we panic, we're through.

Thurston, what are we gonna do?

Well, I don't know about you
but I'm gonna surrender.

- Howell?
- I think they're coming.

Yeah, I think I see 'em.

[rustling]

(male #1)
'Alright, you guys, follow me.'

Shoot first. Shoot first.
We're wanted, dead or alive.

- Dead or alive.
- A parrot?

You mean he's Louis?

- And Arty?
- And Sid?

- And Gus?
- Watch out, Gus has a gun.

- Gilligan, it's a parrot.
- Yes, unless this is a trick.

Come on, men.

- Oh, thank you.
- Get out.

Shoot to kill
and ask questions later.

Here, little parrot.
Here, huh.

Sam's a pretty a parrot.
Isn't Sam a pretty parrot?

- His name must be Sam.
- Good thinking, Gilligan.

Then all that talk about
a gangster's boat was just talk.

[squawking]

He's trying to tell
us something.

Right, and unless
I miss my guess

that bird is a gold mine
of information.

He may be our salvation.
Our means of escape.

- Our means of escape?
- Certainly.

Parrots don't make things up,
they repeat what they've heard.

So there must be gangsters
and a boat.

[squawking]

He knows something.

It's up to us to get
that information.

I hope this parrot
is a stool pigeon.

[squawking]

Hi, Sam.

[squawking]

- Sam, you've gotta help us.
- Who's your boss?

Where is that camp?

He's entitled at least
one phone call.

- Quiet.
- Now, where is the loot?

Come on, Sam.
Don't you wanna talk?

Of course, he wants to talk.
Don't you, Sam?

Why doesn't
that silly bird talk?

- Maybe he's taken the fifth.
- Quiet, Gilligan.

He's at least entitled
to a mouthpiece.

- Quiet.
- And a public defender.

Perhaps, there is no point
in asking questions.

Parrots don't think in terms
of conversation.

They're like tape recorders,
they only repeat what they hear.

How do you like that,
just like wives.

What have we got so far?

I think we can reasonably deduce
from his continuous mention

of the names Arty,
Louis, Gus and, uh..

- Sid.
- Sid, thank you.

Sid, that those are the names of
the men he was associated with.

And they brought stolen goods
and provisions

to the island in a boat.

[squawking]

He got a spuck, out of nut time.

Yes, he certainly reacted.
What did you say?

What did I say?
Well, stolen goods, provisions.

- What else did I say?
- Nothing except for boat.

[squawking]

That's it, boat.
Sam, where is the boat?

[squawking]

You're on such
good terms with him.

Why don't you ask him
where's the loot?

- Loot?
- Never mind. I'll ask him.

Ah, Sam, what did they steal?
Gold? Silver? Money?

- Ah, it's really a stupid bird.
- He is not stupid.

I better look at my notes,
perhaps I missed something.

You missed the boat.

[squawking]

Let's see, I tried
gold, silver, money.

I tried stocks,
bonds...jewelry.

[squawking]

Didn't I say that before?
Didn't I say...jewelry?

[squawking]

Something wrong, Mr. Howell?

No, the bird's simply exhausted.
He seems very tired.

I'll take him to our hut
and have him lie down--

No need to disturb, Mrs. Howell.

We'll take him to our hut.
Gilligan can sleep with him.

Wait. Is that a boy parrot
or a girl parrot?

His name is Sam, isn't it?

Oh, yeah, I was afraid
he might lay an egg.

¶ Rock-a-by birdie
in the tree top ¶

¶ Your mom was a parrot
so was your pop ¶

¶ Why won't you tell us
what we want to know ¶

¶ The minute you do, Sam,
we'll let you go ¶¶

[squawking]

Come on, tell us
where the provisions are.

Will you forget the provisions,
we don't need food.

We need a boat.

[squawking]

See the way he jumps when
you mention the word boat.

[squawking]

Will you stop mentioning that
word? You gonna wear him out.

Okay. I thought if
I mention the stuff

that was on the B-O-T-E
he might lead us to the B-O-T-E.

Gilligan, it's B-O-A-T.

[squawking]

You know, Lovey, it's amazing
that bird's reaction.

When I say the word jewelry,
he jumps up and down

and chatters a mile a minute.

Darling, that's just
the way I react.

He knows something about
the gangsters' loot.

Let's try to find out
what it is.

I'm gonna take that bird away
from Gilligan and Skipper

and give him a whiff
of your jewelry.

What good will that do?

After he gets the right scent,
I'm gonna take him outside

and we'll follow
after that bloodhound

whose gonna lead us right to
the gangsters' buried treasure.

Oh, darling,
how clever you are.

Our stay on this island may
prove profitable after all.

You're so right, Lovey.

You know something, my dear,
once again I have proven

that my brilliance
is only exceeded by my greed.

Well, well, how's our little
friend? Is he rested?

Yeah, but we are worn out
from asking questions.

He won't tell us
where the B-O-T-E is.

Oh, for shame, Skipper,
that's B-O-A-T.

[squawking]

No, no, you gotta spell it
B-O-T-E or it drives him crazy.

Yes, well, perhaps
he doesn't feel well.

Jewelry.

[squawking]

No wonder he doesn't talk.
There's a splinter in his foot.

- That could be very painful.
- Gee, that's too bad.

I'll take him to Mrs. Howell,
she used to be a nurse's aide.

Come on, Sam. Uncle Thurston
will fix you. He's smart too.

Bye, Sam.

- They didn't steal pearls.
- Are you sure?

Well, it's process
of elimination.

Come up with something that
bird likes and see him react.

Try it with the rest
of your jewels.

[squawking]

Now do you know
why I'm sure?

[rumbling]

[squawking]

He walked around
the emerald.

Turned up his nose
at the ruby.

Didn't like the sapphire-- Oops,
oh, he likes that big diamond.

'He loves that big diamond.'

He ate that big diamond.

Ah, come back here.

Lovey? Did you see-- I--

[squawking]

[squawking]

Don't say anything, Lovey.
Don't say anything that's all.

- But--
- Don't say anything. Shh.

- Lovey, where did he go?
- He flew under the bed.

- Why didn't you say something?
- You told me not to.

crunch

- Ouch.
- Oh, Thurston.

[squawking]

He wanted to get
in his little cage?

Now give me that diamond back.

Thurston, Ginger and Gilligan
are headed this way.

Nobody's getting this bird
until I get back my diamond.

Lovey, Lovey,
here, give me a hand.

- Here, cover it up.
- Oh, that'll put him to sleep.

[gasps]

I heard about poor
little Sam's foot.

She took a course in first aid.
She wants to help.

The thing that happened
was most distressing.

You see, Mrs. Howell
was removing the splinter

and the patient got off the
operating table and ran away.

- He ran away with a sore foot?
- Oh.

Yes, it was pathetic seeing
the poor little thing

limping around.

We'll organize
a search party.

Without Sam, we'll never find
the boat.

[squawking]

[Thurston coughing]

Oh, these huts
are so drafty.

Mr. Howell, you better
watch that cough.

- It sure sounded strange.
- Oh, no, no, no, I'm alright.

Why don't you and Gilligan
go look for the bird.

We better find something to
carry him in with his bad foot.

That's a good idea, Gilligan.

Mr. Howell, can we
borrow your bird cage, huh?

- That's a wonderful idea--
- Lovey, Lovey.

I've never heard
of such a ridiculous thing.

What's ridiculous in borrowing
a cage for a bird?

Last time the bird got
the splinter in the paw--

- 'Oh.'
- 'Well, what should we use?'

What should you use?
Oh, yes, yes.

Here, use this, Gilligan.
Use that.

- Picnic basket--
- It's not a picnic basket.

It's-it's-it's
a parrot basket.

I've never heard
of a parrot basket before.

- 'I'll never be without one.'
- They're really marvelous.

You go get the Skipper and
I'm gonna make some hot water.

- What for?
- Well, I don't know.

Every movie I was in, I made hot
water before I did an operation.

Oh, that was a close one.

- Too close for comfort.
- Hmm.

Well, Sam, my boy.
Now you come out or am I gonna..

Sam, pretty Sam.

Sam, pretty Sam.

[squawking]

Sam, pretty Sam.

(Sam)
'Sam, pretty Sam.'

'Sam, pretty Sam.'

He's right here
in the basket.

Uh, Mr. Howell is right,
it is a parrot basket.

And look what else
is in the basket.

That's Mrs. Howell's
big diamond.

In a parrot box?

It's a combination
parrot box and jewel box.

[squawking]

Heard that? He squawks when
you say boat and say jewels.

[squawking]

Egad, my secret is out.

(both)
Jewels, jewels,
jewels, jewels..

- Hey, see, Skipper.
- Jewels.

- Jewels.
- Yeah, oh, look, look.

[squawking]

He's trying to tell us
something. Let's follow him.

[squawking]

[squawking continues]

[squawking continues]

Never seen this cave before.

Maybe this is where
the gangsters

hid their boat and jewels.

[squawking]

Look at this.
Look at this old newspaper.

"Bandits rob
San Francisco Art Museum."

You see, Sam was right
about the gangsters.

Yeah, but look at the date,
April 10, 1906.

Oh, no, this whole thing
is ancient history.

The boat, the bandits,
the jewelry, everything.

[squawking]

If they robbed a museum, perhaps
the treasure is buried here

and that's why the bird gets
upset when he hears jewels.

Oh, look, look, he's digging
up something, look.

(Mr. Howell)
'Come on, let's help him.'

[squawking]

The-the jewels
must be in there.

It's a jewel box alright.

[squawking]

- Jewel crackers.
- Crackers, ah.

I refuse to believe it.

Sam wants a cracker,
Sam wants a cracker.

(Sam)
'Sam wants a cracker,
Sam wants a cracker.'

Sam wants a cracker.

Gilligan, your parrot
wants another cracker.

Skipper, I already
gave him 15 crackers.

(Sam)
'Sam wants a cracker.'

You better make it 16
or we'll never get any sleep.

Okay, Skipper.

[grunts]

- Sorry, Skipper.
- Yes, Gilligan.

- Gilligan.
- Hm?

As soon as you get back
in your hammock

that bird's gonna
want another cracker.

Why don't you give him
the whole box

so we can both get some sleep.

- You're a real smart man.
- Of course, I am, Gilligan.

[clattering]

[grunts]

Well, that was a great idea.
That'll keep him quiet.

Of course,
it will, Gilligan.

Just takes a little
common sense and logic.

I never would have
thought of it.

Gilligan, that's why
I'm the Skipper.

So I can solve the problem
as they come up.

You sure solved that one.

Sam's got all the crackers.
What else could he want now?

Sam wants a drink of water.

'Sam wants a drink of water.'

¶ Now this is the tale
of the castaways ¶

¶ They're here
for a long, long time ¶

¶ They'll have to make
the best of things ¶

¶ It's an uphill climb ¶

¶ The first mate
and his skipper too ¶

¶ Will do their very best ¶

¶ To make
the others comfortable ¶

¶ In the tropic island nest ¶

¶ No phone, no lights,
no motorcars ¶

¶ Not a single luxury ¶

¶ Like Robinson Crusoe ¶

¶ As primitive as can be ¶

¶ So join us here
each week my friends ¶

¶ You're sure to get a smile ¶

¶ From seven stranded
castaways ¶

¶ Here on Gilligan's isle ¶¶