Ghosts (2019–…): Season 4, Episode 7 - It's Behind You - full transcript

Good morning, Patrol.

Good morning, Skipper.

Who's excited to be doing
some archery this morning?

Yeah.

Great. Now, I'm not going
to be teaching you myself.

Archery's very dangerous
and should only be taught

by a qualified professional.

Yes. Yep. Good idea.

It is definitely dangerous.

So I'll leave you in
Andi's capable hands.

Thanks, Alexander.



Now, for the first
part of the morning,

we will walk you through the
dos and don'ts of archery.

All right, then, everybody...

It's lovely to see.

I'm sure Pat would have been
very happy to know the troop

were doing their
trips here again.

Yeah. Good old Skip.

I'm actually putting something
together for the website,

a memorial page.

It's important to preserve
the history of the troop.

Yeah, he'll love that.

I mean, because it is
fitting - the history.

Well, his widow gave us
his old photo albums,

even a few VHS recordings.



Oh, my God. Wow.

Well, I need to find a
way to see what's on them.

Who has a VHS player these days?

We do.

I'm sure we could digitise them
for you, no problem. Just...

Just send them over.
They're on the bus. Yes!

You sure it's no problem?
Oh, sure I'm sure.

Yeah, that would be fascinating.

Did you know him?

I feel like I do.

Just, you know, just because of
the connection with the house

and having met Carol and
Dailey and Pat Junior, so...

IN THE DISTANCE: Don't you
point that thing at me, lad!

Yeah. It's ingenious.

Perfect for field rations.

You have to go away
on Christmas Day?

Just for the day. We'll
be back in the evening.

Right. So all this
we can reheat.

That's on a timer, so it could
come out of the oven before we go.

It's... It's a lot.

I mean, did you need
to do all of this?

Just a couple of sides.

Mike, that's a turkey!

It's a whole Christmas dinner.

You're doing what
your dad did to us.

Well, to be fair to him, I
mean, we ate it all. Yeah, true.

ADVERT: Join Cinderella,
Buttons and the whole gang

for an evening of family
fun at the Corn Exchange.

Ooh, that sounds fun!

It does! Mm. You're joking?

No. I love panto.

How did I not know
that about you?

I always used to go with my mum.

We could take
Nancy. You can go.

But, I mean this in the
nicest possible way,

I'd rather watch my own funeral.

Oh, I watched my own funeral.

Well, the wake. It was
quite nice, actually.

People have to be
kind about you.

I'm rather glad I missed
mine, under the circumstances.

Awks, as they say.

Yeah. I'm going to get
the presents for the car.

No, it's interesting...

Now, when do you intend
to restore this room?

It is Christmas Day tomorrow.

And I don't want to be reminded

of the Absolute Tools Regional
Christmas Award party.

Honestly, some of the most ghastly
people I've ever been stuck with.

And that's saying something.

Well, you could have
gone to your room.

Well, I did, but
so did two of them.

Well, you could have left
your room. Well, why should I?

I was there first.

There isn't enough
room for my dancing.

Can't you just dance
through the tables?

Yes, but then I
can't see my feet.

I can't clear it now!

We're going to Mike's
parents at the crack of dawn,

and there's still so much to
prepare, including the gift room.

Quoi?

So nobody go into the library
until after we've gone tomorrow,

and you'll each have a gift
to enjoy on Christmas Day.

Flaming gosh. Wow!

You really are the
kindest, most beautiful...

I know, I know, I
know. Ah, Julian!

No peeking.

You'll only ruin
it for yourself.

I wasn't going to. I was
just going to the toilet.

You guys go to the toilet?

Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Still get the urge.

It just turns to dust.

OK.

Pat, can you keep an
eye on him, please?

Oh, absolutely. You
can trust in me.

OK, thanks.

Oh, she really is the
kindest, most beautiful soul.

Yes, you've said that.

It's a lovely gesture.
The gift room.

If only we could give
her something in return.

Well, we're dead, which
rather limits our options.

We could perform something.

A sonnet? Or a pantomime?
Yes. Or a sonnet.

Well, she said she wanted
to see a pantomime.

Did she? Yes. That's great!

I love a panto, me.

And look, we've got
a stage and lights.

It's perfect. Yes, yes, yes!

Mike... Mm.

I thought I'd bring this for
everyone to play tomorrow.

You know it's my family
we're talking about, right?

Well... I'll bring it anyway.

I mean, they won't
play, but if you want.

They might. They
won't. They might.

Night-night. Night.

ALARM SOUNDS

Where are you going? Got
to take the turkey out.

Your parents are making lunch.

Why do you have to...? It's
just a couple of sides.

So I'm Buttons,

Thomas is Prince Charming.

Naturally. Dandini.

Oh, thank you very much.

Julian, you'll be
playing Baron Hardup.

Bit of a stretch, but OK.

With Lady B as the
evil stepmother.

Less of a stretch. Ooh!

And Kitty, of course,
will be our leading lady,

Cinderella herself.

Oh! Thank you for
the opportunity.

I won't let you down.

All depending on you. Yes.

The captain has kindly
volunteered to stage manage.

Keep us all on track.

Good evening. And,
finally, we need an...

IN A MUMBLED VOICE:
..Ugly Sister.

Oh... Ha-ha.

OK, good. What about
the Fairy Godmother?

Oh, er, well...

Um, Fanny,

would you mind doubling up?

Oh, well, I suppose
so, if I must.

Remember, it's not for us,

it's for Alison.

Yes! All right, all
right. Settle down.

Early nights all around, please.

We only have one
day for rehearsal.

You will need to be well rested.

Tomorrow morning at 07:00,

Thomas will lead us
in a vocal warm up.

At 07:30 sharp...

Got you.

I wasn't going to do
anything. Just having a look.

I promised Alison I
wouldn't let anyone in here

until Christmas morning.

It is the morning.
You know what I mean!

Tell you what, though,

she's put some effort into this.

Hey?

Look!

She's got something
for everyone.

She certainly has.

Come on. You can look all
you like tomorrow morning.

Ooh. Hey, look, there's yours.

Aren't you curious?

I'll see it in the morning.

Must be a film of some kind.

Maybe it's football. Or a
bluey. It's not a bluey.

Might be a bluey. Not a bluey.

It'll be something very
thoughtful, knowing Alison.

Well, let's find out, shall we?

No.

Come on.

A sneaky peek
can't hurt, can it?

Be a bluey. Be a bluey.

Be a bluey. Ooh.

Hello. There he is.

Anson, merry Christmas.

Oh, just the one.

Let me just get this on camera.

You get this on
camera. Ooh! Hello.

Don't you point thing at me!

What have I got under
the Christmas tree?

Oh. Yeah. Say good night.

There they are.

My goodness!

You've been a good boy this
year. Look at all this!

Yeah. Hey, what's
that? I bet it's socks.

Is it socks?

Nah. Yes.

That old gag!

Yeah. Who's this up here?

Mr Spielberg.

Give us a wave.

Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas.

Oh, there's...

Hey, what are you doing with
that, John? Put that down.

Brian, he's after your
Blue Nun, isn't he?

Right, has everyone
got their hats on?

You've got to put your hats on.

You know, lovely.

You're like a wise man. Right.

Merry Christmas and
goodwill to all men.

Merry Christmas, Brian.

Can I get down and
play with the car?

You've had forever to
play with your car.

Right. Here we go.

Sit back. This pudding
is highly flammable,

and we don't want to be spending

Boxing Day in Accident
and Emergency.

OK, here we go.

Oh!

Can you turn it off?

What?

Turn it off, please.

I don't want to watch any more.

Eat it before it's cold. All
right, we're going to eat.

I can't wait to see my present.

Oh, I hope you like it. I
hope you all do, actually.

Julian, I think you're
really going to like yours.

I'm sure I will.

I think you all will, actually,
if I do say so myself.

A gift shouldn't flatter the
giver, Alison. All right.

Pat, I can't wait to
talk to you about yours.

Oh, great. Lovely.

Thank you. We have
got something for you.

Really? Oh, yes, we have.

For when you return
this evening.

Oh, that's so nice.

They got me something...
Which will be... Um, 8.

Marvellous. Excellent.

OK. Mm. Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas. All right.

All right. Bye-bye.

Bye-bye.

ALL: Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas!

All right. You heard
her, 8 o'clock.

We have 13 hours to get
this thing together.

Go on. What about the presents?

No, no, no. No time for that.
We'll have to do it later. Come on.

Do we really have
to do this all day?

If a job's worth doing,
it's worth doing properly.

40 feral ferrets
frolicking in France.

40 feral ferrets
frolicking in France.

40 feral ferrets
frolicking in France.

Ooh. Ooh.

Thank you, Thomas.
Lovely vocal warm up.

Yeah. It really help
me make speak good.

Right. Let's crack on.

Now go and fetch some
wood for the fire,

you lazy, good-for-nothing
little brat.

Very good.

Now, exit Cinderella,

and enter Baron Hardup,

who says I've
looked high and low

and I can't find
my dear daughter.

I...

He's forgotten already. Boo!

And we're going to go to the
ball and Prince going to kiss me

and touch my bum.

No, not your bum, Robin.

He might touch my bum.

I shall never go to the
ball and meet the prince.

Cue Fanny.

Nonsense. You're quite
wrong about that.

No, Fanny. You're the
Fairy Godmother now.

Yes.

So maybe try something
a little different

to the stepmother character,
you know, something more caring.

OK, let's try again.

I shall never go to the
ball and meet the Prince.

Cue Fanny.

Stop crying and listen to me.

Well, it's not working, is it?

Well, that's what
you told me to do.

All right, everyone,
just shush it.

If you put as much into your
roles as you did your chatter,

we'd be done by now.

Just take a leaf out of Kitty's
book. I won't let you down!

If a job's worth doing...

ALL: It's worth doing properly.

I see.

So I'm just a joke
to you now, am I?

Huh? Huh?

Well, fine, I quit.

No, I quit.

Good luck. Patrick.

Who put his knickers in a twix?

♪ This Christmas... ♪

Is that... My mum? Yeah.

You called her before
we left. She's excited.

I'm excited. I'm excited.

I can't wait to see Nancy's
face when she opens her pre...

Oh. What? CAR HORNS BLARE

What's going on? There's never
traffic on Christmas Day.

Maybe it'll clear up quickly.

No, I think it'll be ages.
There's been an accident.

Oh! And they died.

You can see their
ghost, can't you?

Is it bad? No, don't tell me.

Oh, are they right here?

Hello.

Happy Christmas.

Sorry for your...

No, Mike, there's just... There's
a sign there, "Accident ahead."

Oh. Thank God for that.

Oh! Yeah, I'll call Mum.

I shall be going with
my lovely daughters.

But I'm afraid you
didn't get an invitation.

Oh. Are you sure?

Again. Everything
you dreamed of...

..crushed.

Oh. Are you sure?

Quite sure. Now come
along, daughters.

We've only three
hours to get ready.

Well, her make-up
won't take long.

Because she hasn't got a head!

Hush your japery!

Dandy man, we're
meant to be funny.

There is nothing funny about

this tale of
bullying, servitude,

heartbreak and woe.

That's not really the direction
that Pat was going in.

Well, Patrick isn't
here, is he, sir?

And you would do well to spend
more time learning your lines

and less time
criticising my vision.

Yeah, I'm taking a break.

Fine. We'll work on the
Prince Charming soliloquy.

Oughtn't we look at the
choreography for the ball?

I have a few suggestions.

Later. We'll get to the
frippery in good time.

Now, clear the stage.

Yeah. No, I mean, it's
literally not moving.

Engine's off, Mum.

Yep.

Yeah, all right,
I'll keep you posted.

All right. Yeah. Merry
Christmas. Love to everyone. Bye.

Gutted.

It'll start moving soon. Mm.

You hungry? Little bit.

Olive? Mm.

There you are!

Come. We need you.

I'm sorry, Robin,

I don't think I can.

Well, then. That's going to be
the most depressing show on Earth.

What do you mean?

Thomas taken over.

Oh, dear. Oh, dear.

You can guess what that like!

He say, "It needs more pain!"

Honestly, he's probably got
Cinderella drowning herself

and the Prince dying
of a broken heart.

Pretty much.

So you're going to come back?

I don't know, mate.

I feel like the scales
have fallen from my eyes.

Nobody takes me seriously.

My own family used
to laugh at me.

Just like you lot.

But you just laugh at Thomas.

I suppose.

I suppose I did. Why
you make me Ugly Sister?

Oh, well, you know, because...

Because it's funny.

I got a face like a horse's bum.

Everybody laugh.

Don't mean they don't like me.

No, no.

So what do you say?

Sprouts? Yeah, a couple.

I reckon that's it now.

I mean, even if we start moving,

we won't get there till
late - till after dinner.

Not till Nancy's gone to bed.

Let's get up really
early and go tomorrow.

Yeah? Yeah.

Good thing somebody
made all these sides!

Pull my cracker.

We need to find the foot
that fits the slipper.

Ah, the slipper!

Empty as my soul if I cannot
have her body and mind.

Hey, guys, look who's back!

Oh! Ah. Excellent! We've
got a director, thank you.

Oh, this whole
production is a mess.

I'm really not sure we can
pull it together in time.

Nonsense. If we knuckle
down, we can do anything.

And if a job's worth doing...

It's worth doing properly.

Ha-ha! You cheeky...

Right, let's get to work.

Cinderella, Stepmum,

Hardup and Sisters
to the stage, please.

Right.

Not going to vote on it, then?

No. Fine.

So I'm a boy? No,
you're not like a boy.

Well, yeah. Like a teenager?

Well, you could be like 90,
for all I know, actually.

Who is this person?

Well... Not a person. An animal?

Um...

Oh, the traffic's moving.
Yes, take these. Yeah.

HORN BLASTS

Yes. I'm going. All right.

On one hand, my
darling daughter.

On the other, my beloved wife.

Line.

Whatever am I...

Whatever am I to do, Buttons?

If I...

Line. If I cannot...

If I cannot...

Line.

We've got to sort this out.

You see what I was working with.

Memory like a sieve.

You surprise me, Julian.

I mean, didn't you used to make
speeches in the House of Commons?

Yes. What's your point?

Did you not learn those?

Not really. Pretty much
bluffed my way through the...

Oh, hang on a minute.

Oh, car. Car!

Good Lord. They're back early.

We're not ready. I don't
even know the dance moves.

Guys, it's OK.

We can do this.

Alison's not going to mind
if the odd cue's a bit late

or we're a bit rough
around the edges.

That's what panto's all about.

And if there's one thing I know

it's that we can all depend on a
charming and flawless performance

from our leading lady, Kitty.

Hear, hear. Well, quite.

Absolutely. Yes,
completely wonderful.

That was actually really fun.

You know what?

You're right.

It's nice to have you
to myself for a change.

Bing-bong. Ladies and gentlemen,
please take your seats.

Tonight's performance of Cinderella
will be starting in five minutes.

Thank you. In the ballroom.

Right? I'm so sorry, the
Captain talked over all of that,

but they're doing
a panto upstairs.

Do you want to come?
Told you, I hate panto.

You won't actually
see or hear this one.

All right, I'll get
the drinks. Yeah.

And I told Mum I'd let her
know when we got back safe,

so I'll just phone home. I'm ET!

Heyyy!

Ladies and gentlemen, this
is your two-minute call.

Your two-minute call.

You mean like a proper show?

Yeah, I think so.

Shall we go here? Yeah.

Not much of a house.

Ooh! I wish you could see this.

It's a shame not to have more.

It won't be the right
atmosphere for Alison,

especially the interactive bits.

No-one else can see us,
can they? Apart from...

Look at those
seats! Lovely seats.

Anyone famous in
it? Tumblers, is it?

Jugglers?

That's a bit more atmosphere.

Beginners to the stage,
please. Beginners to the stage.

Thank you.

Oh, I can't do it.

What? I can't go on.

It's just a bit of stage
fright. It's normal.

I can't. I won't. I can't.

Oh! Bloody Nora.

What are we going to do?

Now, then. What's
all this about?

Alison has seen Mel B in panto.

I can't live up to that.

I'm not an actress,
I'm just a girl.

Once upon a time, Kitty,

Mel B was just a girl,

before she became a Spice Girl.

When you take to that stage,

you won't be just a girl,

you'll be Cinderella.

And Alison is going to love you.

Now, stand up.

Shine like a star.

I think we should recast
the Fairy Godmother.

Hello, everybody.

Hello.

I said, hello, everybody.

ALL: Hello.

That's better.

My name's Buttons and I
work here in Hardup House.

I've been scrubbing and washing
and cleaning and toiling,

but there always seems
to be more to do.

Story of my life!

Well, she's a lazy
so-and-so, isn't she?

No. Boo! Sssss.

Oh, yes, she is.

Oh, no, she isn't.

Oh, yes, she is.

Oh, no, she isn't.

Oh, yes, she is.

She's not!

You're horrible to her!

I hate those Ugly Sisters.

Hello, dear wife.
What is it, husband?

Have you finally found
a couple of rich suitors

for Robinella and Humphrietta?

Well, I...

Um...

I have every confidence that
I can deliver on this promise.

Suitors will be found.

As a father, and head of the
household, I say this to you...

CINDERELLA SOBS

Oh, no!

Now, now.

Dry your eyes, Cinderella.

Who are you?

I am your Fairy Godmother.

Down, down, down, down.

And a touch of magic
fairy dust... Spling!

There. You shall
go to the ball.

ALL: Hooray! Yes.

She's going to go?
She's going to go?

She's going to go.

Bong. Bong. Bong.

I must leave. What, so soon?

Yes. I'm sorry.

Farewell. But your name?

I didn't get your name!

Shoe! Shoe!

Shoe! Shoe.

I have her shoe.

Yeah. Dandini?

Yes, sire. We must find
the foot that fits...

Kitty...

..that fits this shoe.

For that is the foot
of my future bride.

AUDIENCE: Ohh!

Nice. Really nice.

Yeah, it totally fits!

No. It doesn't fit.

No! It doesn't
fit. You're joking!

Jog on, hairy bum.

Hairy bum!

It fits. My love!

♪ We wish you a merry Christmas

♪ We wish you a merry Christmas

♪ We wish you a merry Christmas

♪ And a happy New Year

♪ Good tidings we bring

♪ To you and your kin

♪ We wish you a merry Christmas

♪ And a happy new year. ♪

Lovely.

That was a-mazing.

Well done, guys.

Genuinely, that was the best
panto I've ever been to.

Well, Michael, that's
very nice of you to say.

And, hang on... Kitty,
you were just incredible.

Have you ever acted before? No.

But next year, I intend to
give my Dick Whittington

a more active protagonist.

I think it's a role
with more nuance.

OK. Guys, what did you
think of your presents?

Goodness me, the presents.

Ooh, they're so big!

You can almost touch it.

Oh, you can't touch it.

Still good.

That's marvellous.

And it says it only
takes nine hours.

Well, apparently, I've
adopted a tiger named Apollo,

and he's going to write to me
once a month! Good gracious.

MUSIC PLAYS

You can help me rehearse
my lines and give me notes.

Oh, my gosh. No way.

I wasn't expecting this!

Do you want to press
play for you, Pat?

Oh, yes. Thank you.

Whoo! Ah, wonderful.

Oh, hang on. It's
not at the beginning.

Just close your
eyes. I'm going to...

I'm sorry, Alison.
I must confess.

Last night, I caught
Julian having a sneaky peek

at his gift, and... Pat!

Well, please forgive me, but
the temptation was too much,

and I watched it.

It's funny.

It's not how I
remembered things,

but it was lovely seeing
that Christmas again.

What about the
other Christmases?

There weren't any others - that
were my last Christmas, Alison.

Just...

Can I have some ice cream?

Nonsense. You've got to have
a bit of Christmas pud, lad.

Have it with your pud.
Have some with your pud.

Let's blow this out.
Moves over, doesn't it?

Yeah! Look at this rabbit food.

Hey, Mum, it's working.

Merry Christmas.

Oh, no, not that old thing.

Ey! You're just
like your father!

Here you are, love,
merry Christmas.

Here you are.

Right, everyone, can you
all put your crown on?

Yeah. Hang on.

Merry Christmas and
goodwill to all men.

Now, sit back, everyone.

This pudding is
highly flammable.

We don't want to spend...

ALL: Boxing Day in
Accident and Emergency.

Sensible lad, there, Patrick.

Yeah.

Whoa!

Thank you, Alison.

Oh, you showing Pat now?

Does he like it?

Yeah, he loves it.

Thank you.

His family seem really nice.

Ooh!

The best.

Right. Who would like
to have a game of Risk?

Takes ages.

Or we could play charades.

I'd be up for twist it.

Twist it?