Ghosts (2019–…): Season 4, Episode 1 - Episode #4.1 - full transcript
HUMMING
WHISPERING
SILENCE
Hello?
EXCITED GIGGLING
Who's there?
WHISPERING
GASPING
WHISPERS: Hi.
Hello...? Oh! He spoke to me!
He knows I exist!
MIKE: They're early!
Alison, I can see their car!
What is he talking about?
Our first guests, down at
the Gatehouse.
The Gatehouse?! So exciting.
Oh!
Do you want to go, or shall I?
But who are they?
Is there a vetting process?
Shall we go together?
Er, sure. Yeah.
Or is that creepy?
Oh. Er... You go. You go.
Good luck.
OK. All right. Won't be long.
What are their connections?
What is their circumstance?
Or are you just inviting people
in willy-nilly?
I quite agree, Fanny.
They're just coming for their
holidays! Their what?
I mean, I can show you
their booking if you really want.
I'm sure they're a lovely couple.
It's their anniversary.
Oh! Hello?
Dirty weekend?
Don't even think about it.
What? They're the first ones
to leave a review, OK?
It has to go well.
Just leave them alone.
All right, all right,
all right, fun police.
What is she thinking?
Honestly!
REPORTER ON TV: The body
had been remarkably preserved
over the centuries in the ice.
Using state-of-the-art
3D modelling,
researchers have been able
to create this image
of what the iceman
would have looked like.
PRESENTER: And viewers
can see the full story
in tonight's special,
The Man In The Ice.
I know that guy!
CAPTAIN: Huh?
FANNY: with me, Robin.
Honestly! I swear on my life.
PAT: You're dead, mate!
I mean, it could be anyone.
They all, y'know...
They what? Look the same?
I didn't say that. You do tell a lot
of tall tales, truth be told.
Look, I met the guy.
When? Where?
Well, I don't know.
It was long time ago!
Hmm... I met him!
ALL: Ooh...!
It is exciting meeting someone
off the telly, though, isn't it?
You know, someone famous?
I actually met Bobby Davro
in the changing rooms
of the Thimbleby Leisure Centre.
I lent him my talc.
Mm. I met Field Marshal
Harold Alexander.
Bally hero. Anyone else?
Byron. Was a tosspot.
I suppose if I'd lived
a little longer,
I might have met
someone interesting.
I met the Elephant Man.
THEY GASP
Elephant Man?
What? You met John Merrick?
What was he like?
Rather boring. Couldn't
see the fuss.
Hmm, let me see...
How about... the Queen?!
ALL: Ooh! Very good.
Beat that.
Henry VIII.
ALL EXCLAIM
Even better. Touche.
I think Humphrey takes it.
How did it go? Did you show them
round? Yeah.
Did they like
the bottle of wine?
I don't know. They didn't
drink it in front of me.
Well, how did they seem?
They seemed...
all right. Yeah. They didn't
really say much, to be honest.
Oh. Probably waiting for you
to get out
so they could get it on!
Do you think
they were disappointed?
Maybe the photos
make it look too good.
Or maybe they just had a long
journey. So they were tired.
I don't know! Well, did they ask
for anything else?
Just extra pillows.
Great. Cool. Yeah.
Well, we can do that. I'll just go to
the basement and get some covers.
OK. Alison?
I'll come, too.
Oh! Erm...
Extra pillows?! Who do these people
think they are,
the Princess and the Pea?!
What? I knew you'd
regret this, Alison.
You've got a couple
of perfect strangers
in the servants' quarters
while you, the lady of the house,
running around after them
like the maid.
The world's gone
absolutely topsy-turvy.
They're on holiday, that's all.
And they're paying us.
Exactly. You're the staff.
Oh...
Ah! I'd love a little holiday, me.
What be "holly day"?
You mean you've never
been on holiday, Mary?
Don't think so.
Oh, Mary! Where do I start?
Can I come with you
to see the guests?
Erm, it's a bit... I kind of
want to be able to concentrate.
Come on, then, tell us.
What did he say?
He said hello to me. Well, he said
hello to both of us.
Well, he was looking at me.
Was he? Yeah. I don't know he was.
Does he look as good
in real life?
All right. He looked
better, if anything.
He's so elegant,
the way he moves, in't he?
Really, like, demure,
like a... flamingo or something.
Yeah.
ALL: Ooh!
Are you talking about Thomas?
Yeah.
I just wish I could get to know
him. I reckon he'd be really
sensitive and attentive.
Yeah, careful what you wish for!
I mean, I know him.
He's one of my best friends.
I could definitely introduce
you to him, if you like.
What?!
That is such a good idea,
Kitty. He would love that.
Are you serious?
Really? My Lord!
In real, real life?
I can't believe that.
WOMAN CRIES Are you all right?
What happened to yous?
Just excited. Yeah. Yeah!
ROBIN GRUNTS
I just remember his name!
The guy from the television.
What was it?
Hat.
Sorry, "Hat"?
Hat.
Like... a hat?
Yeah, but this was before hats.
Well, they're not going
to find out his name
by studying his bones, are they?
This doesn't prove
a thing, Robin.
His name was Hat!
Oh! I remember now,
we make a trade.
He give me furs and I give
him special tool.
CHUCKLES
It was a stone tied to a stick!
He's so naive.
You can say what you like, Robin,
but it's hardly evidence, is it?
Hmm? Ach!
EXCITED WHISPERING
CAPTAIN: Ooh! Alison!
Bogeys at six o'clock.
Oh, they're with me.
Hiya, Thomas.
Hi. How are you doing today?
All right?
Er, yes, thank you.
So, these guys are really,
really big fans of yours,
and if it's not too much trouble,
they'd like to meet you.
Really?
I was... meant to start
working on a new...
but... but it's fine, it can
wait. Bring them forward.
Come forward.
Yes, that's it.
Hi. Hello.
Can I just say,
I think you're amazing.
We think you're amazing.
Really amazing.
Thank you.
Can I ask you a question?
Er, yes, quickly. Be quick.
What's your favourite, erm...
animal?
That's a good one.
Probably a wild tiger.
Yes! I told you!
I told YOU that! Yes? You?
Er, wh-wh-what's
your favourite colour?
Burgundy, big time.
No way!
Alison? Yeah?
What the bally heck is going on?
Ah. They took a bit of a shine
to my painting of Thomas
in the basement. Right.
And now he's some sort of demi-god?
They love him. What's
wrong with that?
It's absurd! I mean, look at him.
Alison, could we have a picture
with Thomas, please?
Er, yeah, all right. OK.
Very well.
Can you do that?
OK...
In-between you both?
Yeah, yeah.
Oh, yeah. Oh. Yeah.
Er, did you mean a painting?
Oh, yeah. Doesn't have to be a big
one. Yeah just a little one.
No! What's the matter with her?
Cow. She's not doing the painting?
For goodness' sake!
Don't ask, don't get.
Yeah, exactly.
She's not doing them today, guys.
She's not doing paintings.
What about tomorrow? You'd have to
ask about tomorrow.
I will.
MAN GRUNTS RHYTHMICALLY
Oh-ho-ho! Didn't take long!
Wha'?
GRUNTING CONTINUES
Ah!
GRUNTS Oh!
Great minds, eh?
Er, well, no, no.
I simply wanted to see
who was lording it over Alison.
Well, I'll let you know
when the action starts.
I told you, I'm not
remotely interested
in watching this man and his wife
in the throes of marital...
FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING
Oh!
Your pillows.
I'm Alison, by the way.
Shameful! Simpering like a servant!
Hello? Hello!
And I said we were happy
to have them, and if there's
anything else they need,
they should let us know.
Right. And what did he say?
He said they would let us
know if they need anything.
OK, so... what's the problem?
I just... I didn't get a good vibe.
Like, they didn't seem...
happy. What, like he was rude?
No, just, like, weren't...
holiday-fied.
Really? Well, do you think
there's something wrong
with the room? Maybe those photos
do make it look too good.
Maybe. But what if it's nothing
to do with the room?
Then that's not our fault.
Yeah, but we want them
to have a good time.
Yeah, but we can't make them
have a good time.
If they don't have a good time,
they won't leave a good review.
Yeah. Well, what do we do?
Maybe you should go. I am not
asking them if they're unhappy.
No! But just, y'know,
kind of go in
under the radar,
just see what's up. Ah. Right.
Like, "Here's another pillow,
in case six isn't enough.
"Ooh! Are you depressed?"
Yeah. Maybe it'd just
make things worse.
Yeah.
SHE SIGHS
This is hard. Yeah!
There! You see?
Tossa de Mar.
Paradise.
But that's across the seas!
You must have journeyed
for days and days!
Oh, no, no, because we flew
there on an aeroplane.
Ohhh! Yes! Now, to get the most
out of your holiday,
you need to get an early flight,
so we'd get Daley up about 3am.
3am, before the birds?!
Yeah! Get him in the Datsun.
Ten-pence piece for the toll,
Blue Riband in the glove box,
Status Quo in the tape deck,
and you're on the motorway.
Now, you need
to get to the airport
at least four hours
before your flight
so you can check in your bags
and go through passport control.
Passp...?
Passport! Passport, yeah...
Yeah, yeah. It's an
official document
given to you by the Government.
It offers you protection
as a British citizen
should you get into any trouble.
Troubles?!
Yeah, like, y'know,
if you lose your luggage, say,
or, erm, find yourself
in the middle of a military coup
and need to be evacuated.
Oh...
But that only happened once.
Now, duty-free!
We're talking gin, Toblerones,
fags, if you smoke 'em.
He had a tattoo!
Hat, he had a tattoo on his back.
Mm.
Sailor, was he? Or a convict?
What was it?
It was like a big X.
X marks the spot!
Where was the treasure?
In his bottom?
PLAGUERS LAUGH
He's so funny! He's so funny!
He's so quick!
Look, his name was Hat,
gave me this fur,
had a tattoo on his back.
Again, Robin, this proves nothing.
Yes. I mean,
you could tell us he had a...
He's going to say something funny
again. Listen to this. Shhh!
Shut up! Oh, here it comes!
That's spoiled it now!
Whatever it was,
it was going to be funny.
Yeah, definitely!
And clever, too, probably.
Why are they here?
Why are you here?
Why are you fawning over this man?
What has he done to
earn your admiration?
Well, he's famous, in't he?
My mate said he was famous.
Yeah, I said that.
Oh, good grief!
I mean, if you're going to
adulate somebody,
at least choose
a person of merit,
a person who's achieved
something. Churchill. Monty.
Lord Brigadier Sir Anthony
Bartholomew Raisinby Jones.
Who? Who?
Heroes.
Men.
I need some air.
Oh, I think he's off.
I wonder where he's going.
Maybe he's hot and he needs
to take his top off. Don't, don't!
Oh, it's relentless!
Guys, I think Thomas
needs some space.
I'm afraid he's very busy
and he cannot be disturbed
while he works,
so that's enough for today,
thank you.
What?
He's very busy.
Ohhh!
You all right, Thomas?
Oh, Alison,
you've no idea what it's like
to be pursued endlessly,
obsessively, objectified, harassed,
given no space.
Yeah, that sounds like hell...
You look radiant today,
by the way.
SPORT ON TV
JULIAN: Crikey,
this is depressing.
Yes. I thought my marriage
was cold.
See? This is what happens when you
get to know each other too well.
No mystery left, no spark.
A fine excuse. I'm sure
there's plenty of spark
under the surface.
Well, it takes two to tango.
Hmm.
Oh! Seriously? It's half nine!
Which is a perfectly acceptable time
for a lady to retire.
You would say that.
And what exactly
do you mean by that?
Well, you're a square,
aren't you? Just like her.
Oh! You've never known
how to handle a woman...
OWL HOOTS
Tea and coffee there.
Oh, Mary! Holiday breakfasts!
Heaven on Earth!
You can have cereals
and a cooked breakfast.
And pastries! You have to
make sure you time it right,
because they leave the cooked
bits in the serving trays,
so you've got to go up when a fresh
batch of scrambled eggs go in.
Then you've got to pounce!
Otherwise you load your plate
up with sausages and beans
and so on, only to find
you're stuck with
the cold, milky scraps
at the bottom of the tray!
Oh, no! Yeah.
Anyway, after breakfast...
it's off to the beach!
Yay! Weather permitting.
Oh, yeah... Yeah.
They're not talking
to each other.
Right. Something's definitely up.
I mean, maybe they didn't sleep
very well.
I told you we should have tried
that mattress!
You're joking! That mattress
is better than ours.
It cost more than the TV.
Well, hopefully
this'll cheer them up.
Oh, my God! Full of conversation
this morning...!
Ha! Ready and waiting, if there's
a conversation to be had.
Oh, really? I hadn't noticed.
Maybe if she took her head out of
her smartphone for one second,
he might think it was
worth saying something.
She's busy.
Leave your work at home, love!
Supposed to be on holiday, yeah?
Well, would he rather be
with his wife
or going off on his bicycle?
She may as well be working,
if he's more interested
in that contraption.
Anything else I can get you?
BOTH: No, it's fine.
No. Nothing more, thank you. OK.
I've got some intel. Ooh.
Ah, that's enough butter,
thank you.
Oh! There he is! There he is!
Oh, my goodness, the dew is still
upon the grass,
and already they come
for their pound of flesh.
KITTY GIGGLES
Katherine, would you be
a darling and detain them
while I compose myself?
Of course!
Right, morning, everyone.
Thomas will be able to do some
meeting and greeting shortly,
so if I can ask you
to please form a queue...
Actually, I've slept here.
You pushed in.
No! No! All right, we all
get a turn. Will we all get a turn?
ALL MOAN
Robin! Hey-hey-hey-hey-hey-hey!
SILENCE
You heard lady! Form a queue!
Why are you stood
in front of me?
Excuse me... All right!
It's empty, you know.
All this.
They don't know the first thing
about you, Thorne.
They've just formed
this... infatuation
based on an image.
They're waiting on the stairs.
I thought you could have
an hour now
to relax and then a meet-and-greet
with the fans,
which will take you
up until Food Club,
or I can get you out of that,
if you want.
Wonderful, Kitty. I don't know
what I'd do without you.
No, it's a pleasure
to be on the team.
Ridiculous!
You mustn't be so
jealous, Captain.
Believe me,
you wouldn't want this.
It's a tiresome consequence
of the life of a successful artist.
They don't care about your art!
Faradiddle, sir! They love me
for my poems.
Tish-tosh!
Fine. We'll prove it.
Katherine, change of plan.
Tell the creatures I shall give
a recital in the ballroom at noon.
Then we shall see!
Mm. And then we'll see.
And then... we will see.
You're insane. No way.
It's like vandalism.
Or they can have a miserable time
and leave a crappy first review
and ruin our B&B
before it's even started!
What kind of review would you give
if the host slashed your bike tyres?
Not slash. Gently puncture.
What?
We'll make it look like
a stone did it, or something.
And then we'll offer him
a repair kit
and he'll think
we're really helpful.
It is not our job
to fix their marriage.
But imagine if it worked!
It would be the best holiday ever.
It's a small misdemeanour
for the greater good.
HE SIGHS
Fine. But you're doing
the tyre. Yes!
I forgot to mention,
you've got to get up early
to put your towels
on the sunbeds
before you go to breakfast, yes.
Now, I like to go for a dip first,
before I put my sun cream on,
otherwise you just wash it off.
And believe me, you don't want
to have sunburn! No!
Daley got it so bad once,
we had
WHISPERING
SILENCE
Hello?
EXCITED GIGGLING
Who's there?
WHISPERING
GASPING
WHISPERS: Hi.
Hello...? Oh! He spoke to me!
He knows I exist!
MIKE: They're early!
Alison, I can see their car!
What is he talking about?
Our first guests, down at
the Gatehouse.
The Gatehouse?! So exciting.
Oh!
Do you want to go, or shall I?
But who are they?
Is there a vetting process?
Shall we go together?
Er, sure. Yeah.
Or is that creepy?
Oh. Er... You go. You go.
Good luck.
OK. All right. Won't be long.
What are their connections?
What is their circumstance?
Or are you just inviting people
in willy-nilly?
I quite agree, Fanny.
They're just coming for their
holidays! Their what?
I mean, I can show you
their booking if you really want.
I'm sure they're a lovely couple.
It's their anniversary.
Oh! Hello?
Dirty weekend?
Don't even think about it.
What? They're the first ones
to leave a review, OK?
It has to go well.
Just leave them alone.
All right, all right,
all right, fun police.
What is she thinking?
Honestly!
REPORTER ON TV: The body
had been remarkably preserved
over the centuries in the ice.
Using state-of-the-art
3D modelling,
researchers have been able
to create this image
of what the iceman
would have looked like.
PRESENTER: And viewers
can see the full story
in tonight's special,
The Man In The Ice.
I know that guy!
CAPTAIN: Huh?
FANNY: with me, Robin.
Honestly! I swear on my life.
PAT: You're dead, mate!
I mean, it could be anyone.
They all, y'know...
They what? Look the same?
I didn't say that. You do tell a lot
of tall tales, truth be told.
Look, I met the guy.
When? Where?
Well, I don't know.
It was long time ago!
Hmm... I met him!
ALL: Ooh...!
It is exciting meeting someone
off the telly, though, isn't it?
You know, someone famous?
I actually met Bobby Davro
in the changing rooms
of the Thimbleby Leisure Centre.
I lent him my talc.
Mm. I met Field Marshal
Harold Alexander.
Bally hero. Anyone else?
Byron. Was a tosspot.
I suppose if I'd lived
a little longer,
I might have met
someone interesting.
I met the Elephant Man.
THEY GASP
Elephant Man?
What? You met John Merrick?
What was he like?
Rather boring. Couldn't
see the fuss.
Hmm, let me see...
How about... the Queen?!
ALL: Ooh! Very good.
Beat that.
Henry VIII.
ALL EXCLAIM
Even better. Touche.
I think Humphrey takes it.
How did it go? Did you show them
round? Yeah.
Did they like
the bottle of wine?
I don't know. They didn't
drink it in front of me.
Well, how did they seem?
They seemed...
all right. Yeah. They didn't
really say much, to be honest.
Oh. Probably waiting for you
to get out
so they could get it on!
Do you think
they were disappointed?
Maybe the photos
make it look too good.
Or maybe they just had a long
journey. So they were tired.
I don't know! Well, did they ask
for anything else?
Just extra pillows.
Great. Cool. Yeah.
Well, we can do that. I'll just go to
the basement and get some covers.
OK. Alison?
I'll come, too.
Oh! Erm...
Extra pillows?! Who do these people
think they are,
the Princess and the Pea?!
What? I knew you'd
regret this, Alison.
You've got a couple
of perfect strangers
in the servants' quarters
while you, the lady of the house,
running around after them
like the maid.
The world's gone
absolutely topsy-turvy.
They're on holiday, that's all.
And they're paying us.
Exactly. You're the staff.
Oh...
Ah! I'd love a little holiday, me.
What be "holly day"?
You mean you've never
been on holiday, Mary?
Don't think so.
Oh, Mary! Where do I start?
Can I come with you
to see the guests?
Erm, it's a bit... I kind of
want to be able to concentrate.
Come on, then, tell us.
What did he say?
He said hello to me. Well, he said
hello to both of us.
Well, he was looking at me.
Was he? Yeah. I don't know he was.
Does he look as good
in real life?
All right. He looked
better, if anything.
He's so elegant,
the way he moves, in't he?
Really, like, demure,
like a... flamingo or something.
Yeah.
ALL: Ooh!
Are you talking about Thomas?
Yeah.
I just wish I could get to know
him. I reckon he'd be really
sensitive and attentive.
Yeah, careful what you wish for!
I mean, I know him.
He's one of my best friends.
I could definitely introduce
you to him, if you like.
What?!
That is such a good idea,
Kitty. He would love that.
Are you serious?
Really? My Lord!
In real, real life?
I can't believe that.
WOMAN CRIES Are you all right?
What happened to yous?
Just excited. Yeah. Yeah!
ROBIN GRUNTS
I just remember his name!
The guy from the television.
What was it?
Hat.
Sorry, "Hat"?
Hat.
Like... a hat?
Yeah, but this was before hats.
Well, they're not going
to find out his name
by studying his bones, are they?
This doesn't prove
a thing, Robin.
His name was Hat!
Oh! I remember now,
we make a trade.
He give me furs and I give
him special tool.
CHUCKLES
It was a stone tied to a stick!
He's so naive.
You can say what you like, Robin,
but it's hardly evidence, is it?
Hmm? Ach!
EXCITED WHISPERING
CAPTAIN: Ooh! Alison!
Bogeys at six o'clock.
Oh, they're with me.
Hiya, Thomas.
Hi. How are you doing today?
All right?
Er, yes, thank you.
So, these guys are really,
really big fans of yours,
and if it's not too much trouble,
they'd like to meet you.
Really?
I was... meant to start
working on a new...
but... but it's fine, it can
wait. Bring them forward.
Come forward.
Yes, that's it.
Hi. Hello.
Can I just say,
I think you're amazing.
We think you're amazing.
Really amazing.
Thank you.
Can I ask you a question?
Er, yes, quickly. Be quick.
What's your favourite, erm...
animal?
That's a good one.
Probably a wild tiger.
Yes! I told you!
I told YOU that! Yes? You?
Er, wh-wh-what's
your favourite colour?
Burgundy, big time.
No way!
Alison? Yeah?
What the bally heck is going on?
Ah. They took a bit of a shine
to my painting of Thomas
in the basement. Right.
And now he's some sort of demi-god?
They love him. What's
wrong with that?
It's absurd! I mean, look at him.
Alison, could we have a picture
with Thomas, please?
Er, yeah, all right. OK.
Very well.
Can you do that?
OK...
In-between you both?
Yeah, yeah.
Oh, yeah. Oh. Yeah.
Er, did you mean a painting?
Oh, yeah. Doesn't have to be a big
one. Yeah just a little one.
No! What's the matter with her?
Cow. She's not doing the painting?
For goodness' sake!
Don't ask, don't get.
Yeah, exactly.
She's not doing them today, guys.
She's not doing paintings.
What about tomorrow? You'd have to
ask about tomorrow.
I will.
MAN GRUNTS RHYTHMICALLY
Oh-ho-ho! Didn't take long!
Wha'?
GRUNTING CONTINUES
Ah!
GRUNTS Oh!
Great minds, eh?
Er, well, no, no.
I simply wanted to see
who was lording it over Alison.
Well, I'll let you know
when the action starts.
I told you, I'm not
remotely interested
in watching this man and his wife
in the throes of marital...
FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING
Oh!
Your pillows.
I'm Alison, by the way.
Shameful! Simpering like a servant!
Hello? Hello!
And I said we were happy
to have them, and if there's
anything else they need,
they should let us know.
Right. And what did he say?
He said they would let us
know if they need anything.
OK, so... what's the problem?
I just... I didn't get a good vibe.
Like, they didn't seem...
happy. What, like he was rude?
No, just, like, weren't...
holiday-fied.
Really? Well, do you think
there's something wrong
with the room? Maybe those photos
do make it look too good.
Maybe. But what if it's nothing
to do with the room?
Then that's not our fault.
Yeah, but we want them
to have a good time.
Yeah, but we can't make them
have a good time.
If they don't have a good time,
they won't leave a good review.
Yeah. Well, what do we do?
Maybe you should go. I am not
asking them if they're unhappy.
No! But just, y'know,
kind of go in
under the radar,
just see what's up. Ah. Right.
Like, "Here's another pillow,
in case six isn't enough.
"Ooh! Are you depressed?"
Yeah. Maybe it'd just
make things worse.
Yeah.
SHE SIGHS
This is hard. Yeah!
There! You see?
Tossa de Mar.
Paradise.
But that's across the seas!
You must have journeyed
for days and days!
Oh, no, no, because we flew
there on an aeroplane.
Ohhh! Yes! Now, to get the most
out of your holiday,
you need to get an early flight,
so we'd get Daley up about 3am.
3am, before the birds?!
Yeah! Get him in the Datsun.
Ten-pence piece for the toll,
Blue Riband in the glove box,
Status Quo in the tape deck,
and you're on the motorway.
Now, you need
to get to the airport
at least four hours
before your flight
so you can check in your bags
and go through passport control.
Passp...?
Passport! Passport, yeah...
Yeah, yeah. It's an
official document
given to you by the Government.
It offers you protection
as a British citizen
should you get into any trouble.
Troubles?!
Yeah, like, y'know,
if you lose your luggage, say,
or, erm, find yourself
in the middle of a military coup
and need to be evacuated.
Oh...
But that only happened once.
Now, duty-free!
We're talking gin, Toblerones,
fags, if you smoke 'em.
He had a tattoo!
Hat, he had a tattoo on his back.
Mm.
Sailor, was he? Or a convict?
What was it?
It was like a big X.
X marks the spot!
Where was the treasure?
In his bottom?
PLAGUERS LAUGH
He's so funny! He's so funny!
He's so quick!
Look, his name was Hat,
gave me this fur,
had a tattoo on his back.
Again, Robin, this proves nothing.
Yes. I mean,
you could tell us he had a...
He's going to say something funny
again. Listen to this. Shhh!
Shut up! Oh, here it comes!
That's spoiled it now!
Whatever it was,
it was going to be funny.
Yeah, definitely!
And clever, too, probably.
Why are they here?
Why are you here?
Why are you fawning over this man?
What has he done to
earn your admiration?
Well, he's famous, in't he?
My mate said he was famous.
Yeah, I said that.
Oh, good grief!
I mean, if you're going to
adulate somebody,
at least choose
a person of merit,
a person who's achieved
something. Churchill. Monty.
Lord Brigadier Sir Anthony
Bartholomew Raisinby Jones.
Who? Who?
Heroes.
Men.
I need some air.
Oh, I think he's off.
I wonder where he's going.
Maybe he's hot and he needs
to take his top off. Don't, don't!
Oh, it's relentless!
Guys, I think Thomas
needs some space.
I'm afraid he's very busy
and he cannot be disturbed
while he works,
so that's enough for today,
thank you.
What?
He's very busy.
Ohhh!
You all right, Thomas?
Oh, Alison,
you've no idea what it's like
to be pursued endlessly,
obsessively, objectified, harassed,
given no space.
Yeah, that sounds like hell...
You look radiant today,
by the way.
SPORT ON TV
JULIAN: Crikey,
this is depressing.
Yes. I thought my marriage
was cold.
See? This is what happens when you
get to know each other too well.
No mystery left, no spark.
A fine excuse. I'm sure
there's plenty of spark
under the surface.
Well, it takes two to tango.
Hmm.
Oh! Seriously? It's half nine!
Which is a perfectly acceptable time
for a lady to retire.
You would say that.
And what exactly
do you mean by that?
Well, you're a square,
aren't you? Just like her.
Oh! You've never known
how to handle a woman...
OWL HOOTS
Tea and coffee there.
Oh, Mary! Holiday breakfasts!
Heaven on Earth!
You can have cereals
and a cooked breakfast.
And pastries! You have to
make sure you time it right,
because they leave the cooked
bits in the serving trays,
so you've got to go up when a fresh
batch of scrambled eggs go in.
Then you've got to pounce!
Otherwise you load your plate
up with sausages and beans
and so on, only to find
you're stuck with
the cold, milky scraps
at the bottom of the tray!
Oh, no! Yeah.
Anyway, after breakfast...
it's off to the beach!
Yay! Weather permitting.
Oh, yeah... Yeah.
They're not talking
to each other.
Right. Something's definitely up.
I mean, maybe they didn't sleep
very well.
I told you we should have tried
that mattress!
You're joking! That mattress
is better than ours.
It cost more than the TV.
Well, hopefully
this'll cheer them up.
Oh, my God! Full of conversation
this morning...!
Ha! Ready and waiting, if there's
a conversation to be had.
Oh, really? I hadn't noticed.
Maybe if she took her head out of
her smartphone for one second,
he might think it was
worth saying something.
She's busy.
Leave your work at home, love!
Supposed to be on holiday, yeah?
Well, would he rather be
with his wife
or going off on his bicycle?
She may as well be working,
if he's more interested
in that contraption.
Anything else I can get you?
BOTH: No, it's fine.
No. Nothing more, thank you. OK.
I've got some intel. Ooh.
Ah, that's enough butter,
thank you.
Oh! There he is! There he is!
Oh, my goodness, the dew is still
upon the grass,
and already they come
for their pound of flesh.
KITTY GIGGLES
Katherine, would you be
a darling and detain them
while I compose myself?
Of course!
Right, morning, everyone.
Thomas will be able to do some
meeting and greeting shortly,
so if I can ask you
to please form a queue...
Actually, I've slept here.
You pushed in.
No! No! All right, we all
get a turn. Will we all get a turn?
ALL MOAN
Robin! Hey-hey-hey-hey-hey-hey!
SILENCE
You heard lady! Form a queue!
Why are you stood
in front of me?
Excuse me... All right!
It's empty, you know.
All this.
They don't know the first thing
about you, Thorne.
They've just formed
this... infatuation
based on an image.
They're waiting on the stairs.
I thought you could have
an hour now
to relax and then a meet-and-greet
with the fans,
which will take you
up until Food Club,
or I can get you out of that,
if you want.
Wonderful, Kitty. I don't know
what I'd do without you.
No, it's a pleasure
to be on the team.
Ridiculous!
You mustn't be so
jealous, Captain.
Believe me,
you wouldn't want this.
It's a tiresome consequence
of the life of a successful artist.
They don't care about your art!
Faradiddle, sir! They love me
for my poems.
Tish-tosh!
Fine. We'll prove it.
Katherine, change of plan.
Tell the creatures I shall give
a recital in the ballroom at noon.
Then we shall see!
Mm. And then we'll see.
And then... we will see.
You're insane. No way.
It's like vandalism.
Or they can have a miserable time
and leave a crappy first review
and ruin our B&B
before it's even started!
What kind of review would you give
if the host slashed your bike tyres?
Not slash. Gently puncture.
What?
We'll make it look like
a stone did it, or something.
And then we'll offer him
a repair kit
and he'll think
we're really helpful.
It is not our job
to fix their marriage.
But imagine if it worked!
It would be the best holiday ever.
It's a small misdemeanour
for the greater good.
HE SIGHS
Fine. But you're doing
the tyre. Yes!
I forgot to mention,
you've got to get up early
to put your towels
on the sunbeds
before you go to breakfast, yes.
Now, I like to go for a dip first,
before I put my sun cream on,
otherwise you just wash it off.
And believe me, you don't want
to have sunburn! No!
Daley got it so bad once,
we had