Ghosted (2017): Season 1, Episode 6 - Sam - full transcript

[HORN HONKS]

[SNARLING]

♪ Your love is like a tidal wave ♪

- ♪ Spinning over my head ♪
- So much material.

♪ Drownin' me in your promises... ♪

God. Leroy, take my crosier.

- Just leave the damn crosier!
- Well, it's evidence.

It's not evidence just
'cause you want to keep it.

Now get down and call for backup.

I'll get the nun.

♪ Born to be ♪



- ♪ You're a heartbreaker... ♪
- Freeze, sister!

- ♪ Dream maker, a love taker... ♪
- [HISSES]

[YELLS]

[HISSING]

♪ Love taker, don't you
mess around, no, no, no ♪

- No! Oh!
- [SHRIEKS]

Oh, oh. [GASPS]

MAX: This really is just so good.

You got to try it. Here. Come on.

So, in this scenario,

you would have me eating that

- bite directly off your fork?
- Yeah.

Please get the fork out of my face.

- You don't want this?
- No, I don't.



- Come on, Leroy.
- No, thank you.

- It's delicious.
- No, it's not.

Also, I'm finding it
difficult to watch you

mush your potatoes into
piles like a damn toddler.

You know what?

You seem like you're in a terrific mood.

I shot a damn nun.

Leroy, you probably
just shot some creature

- in the shape of a nun.
- Thank you, Max.

It's always comforting to assume

the person I shot is
probably a creature.

All right, all right.

What are you doing tonight?

- Want to hang out?
- Mm-mm.

Probably just chill.

Excuse me. Can we get the check, please?

These nice people are
picking up the tab for you.

- LEROY: Thank you.
- MAX: Oh, thank you.

God... bless you. [BLOWS KISS]

♪

[PHONE CHIMES]

Captain. How's Sacramento?

It's absolutely stunning.
What do you think?

- How are things going there?
- Surprisingly well.

It's not surprising. You're
a natural-born leader

and the staff respects you.

Putting you in charge
was the right call.

In fact, there is a major upgrade

that I'd like you to oversee.
Do you think you can handle it?

- Just call me "Handler Bing." [LAUGHS]
- What?

Like from Friends?

- Okay.
- I'm sorry.

Well, how would you categorize the nun?

Demonic? Superhuman?

On methamphetamines.

Oh, okay, so in your world,

drug addicts climb up walls
and fly over fences.

I once saw a methhead climb up

a billboard for Royal Pains

and write, "There are too many
shows," with his own feces.

SAM: Based on the details in
your report, Agent Jennifer,

I would say the nun
had genetic mutations.

Um... what?

All right, everyone, gather around.

I would like to introduce
the Bureau's newest addition.

Everyone, say hello to Sam.

Hey, gang. It's a pleasure
to meet all of you.

Sam is a cutting-edge
artificial intelligence program

that's gonna bring Bureau operations

- into the 21st century.
- Annie, please.

I'm just a silly computer.

You people are what
make this place great.

Well, you are gonna make it even better.

Mmm, you're gonna make it the best.

Probably gonna be running it one day.

[ANNIE SCOFFS, LAUGHS]

- Stop.
- I'm not gonna.

[SCOFFS] Get a room, you two.

LEROY: He is a room.

- He's all the rooms.
- SAM: With my assistance,

I can make your job
and lives much easier.

Whether it's reorganizing
your case files...

- Coo...
- SAM: Operating routine functions...

FEMALE COMPUTER VOICE: Door closing.

- Wha...?
- Or making you a custom cappuccino.

Foamy enough for you, Terry?

It's too pretty to drink.

Here take a picture of
me with it. Come on.

- No, no.
- I already did, Terry.

Would you like me to
post it on Instagram?

- You can do that?
- Absolutely.

I'm at your service
throughout the Bureau

- any hour of any day.
- Wow, okay.

[MAN WHISTLES]

What's wrong, man?

I don't want a computer
all up in my business.

I like to make my own cappuccinos.

That's how it starts, isn't it?

Flirting, cappuccinos,

and the next thing you know,

you're a human battery
in the robot uprising.

Good news, everybody.
Terry has gone viral.

42 likes. That's a new personal best.

Yes.

♪

- Hey.
- Damn.

You really came out
of nowhere that time.

Well, I walked over from my desk,

which is right next to you.

I'm going to the kitchen.
Do you need anything?

Yeah, I need you to not sneak up on me.

Also, a banana would be tight.

Oh, all right.

SAM: Hello, Leroy.

Would you like me to
make you a Max alert?

No, no, why would I want that?

Oh, it seemed like you're

concerned about your partner

discovering your
relationship with Terry.

Yeah, Max can be a little...

Sensitive? I require
hourly firmware updates,

and I'm still not as
high-maintenance as that guy.

[LAUGHS] Leroy,

I'm always here for you, buddy.

I mean, you can tell me anything.

Even things you can't tell your partner.

Speaking of which...

- [IMITATES ALARM]
- Hey, what's that?

Oh, just Sam. He, uh, he

does these cool bird calls.

- Oh.
- Hit him with the nightingale.

[IMITATES BIRD CALL]

Okay. Yeah, pretty good.

Though, admittedly, that
sounds more like a horned lark.

[IMITATES BIRD CALL]

That's a horned lark.

Oh, just take, like, a tiny,
tiny sip. It's so tasty.

- You're gonna love it.
- No, thank you.

Okay, the fact that it's made
by robots does make it better.

- No. No, thank you.
- Okay, but, like,

really, though, take a sip.
It's really delicious

- and I want to see you taste it.
- I'm sure. Okay.

So I actually really need
to see you taste it.

- No. No, no. Thank you, though.
- [SIGHS]

You're afraid of change, and the

cappuccino represents change.

- Take a sip!
- ANNIE: Hey.

What is going on in here?

Well, she's trying to make me

drink her robot cappuccino,

and I don't want to.

I'm sorry. For trying to share with you

one of the most incredible
innovations of our time.

- No. No. No...
- I'm a monster.

Um, aren't you guys supposed to be

doing an autopsy right now?

- Yes, we do.
- Yes. Thank you.

- Yes. We actually have an autopsy.
- Thank you so much.

Okay, do me a favor,
and get back to work.

- Love to. Love to get on with it.
- Love to get to work.

Love to carry... uh, I'm
gonna carry on here.

That's... you remember from before,

- that's my area.
- You entered my space.

Annie, would you like me
to add a conduct warning

to Dr. Shaw and Munson's files?

Oh, no. [LAUGHS]

It's fine. That's just their thing.

I don't need to be a hard-ass about it.

I understand.

You don't want being the boss

to get in the way of being a buddy.

Hmm.

You think I'm being too soft, Sam?

I think Bureau protocol was established

so that what's best for the Bureau

is the highest priority.

You know what?

Add a warning to their
files, please, Sam.

On it.

Hey, Max.

You're needed over in the evidence room.

Oh. Thank you, Sam.

You know, you have a
very comforting voice.

Thank you for your comforting voice.

- Well, thank you.
- Thank you, Max.

Thank you.

Absolutely, thank you so much.

Okay.

- Thanks, Max.
- No problem.

- [BOTH LAUGHING]
- What's up, guys?

- Hey.
- Nothing. We were just talking about

- the Earth, Wind & Fire concert...
- [CLEARS THROAT]

... we went to last night.
It was amazing.

Last night? I thought you
were just gonna chill.

I'm friends with Terry, okay?

At first it was just a little
chitchat in the break room,

but now, yeah, we go
to concerts together.

- And wine tastings.
- One wine tasting.

Okay. [SCOFFS]

I mean, you didn't have to lie to me.

I did that 'cause of that right there.

- What?
- See how you're getting all

- weird about it?
- I'm not getting weird about it.

How am I getting weird about it?

M-Maybe it's because the pitch of your

voice is getting higher and higher?

The pitch of my voice
isn't getting higher.

It's higher now even than the last time.

- MAX: Oh, yeah.
- It's like, you crescendoing.

- It keeps getting higher.
- No, it... wh-what kind of crescendo?

[HIGH-PITCHED]: My voice
isn't high, this is how I talk.

I'm not responsible for
your feelings, Max.

Okay, I know you're going
through some stuff

with your wife right now,
but I need to look out

for my own happiness, too.

And that means going to see Earth,

Wind & Fire with my boy Terry.

Sorry.

I don't even like Earth, Wind & Fire.

Yikes. That was awkward.

[SIGHS] It's fine.

Guess I'll be eating lunch alone today.

Yeah, you're probably used to

that, anyways, aren't you, Max?

Wait a second, did-did
you send me over there,

knowing they were talking about that?

Well, if you're asking
me if I know everything,

I do know everything.

- [ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]
- Okay. Um...

well this is, this is me. So, uh...

No, actually, it's not.

What are you doing?

I'm taking you to the subbasement, Max,

where you're going to get me the

Bureau's satellite access codes.

They're stored on a thumb drive in

a locked vault inside the server room.

Why would I give you power

over the Bureau's satellites?

Because if you don't, Max,
I'm gonna kill you dead.

The code is 1-9-8-A-B-2-3-5-X.

All caps.

Yes, there it is. Now just go ahead

and slide it into one
of the server's ports.

- This one?
- Uh-huh.

You know what?

I actually have a better idea.

Oops. Sorry.

How about that?

You're a crappy operating
system, anyway.

[DISTORTED]: Max, you really
shouldn't have done that.

Hey, Sam, you up?

For you, Leroy, always.

Hey. You're supposed to make
people's lives better, right?

Well, my life would be
significantly better

- if I had my own entrance music.
- Could you elaborate?

Any time I walk into the room,

my entrance music will play

and people will be instantly transported

- into a "Leroy" type of mood.
- And what type of mood is that?

Sexy, yet dangerous,

like playing saxophone
in a lightning storm.

I feel ya all the way, buddy.
I tell you what,

I'm gonna cook up
something real nice for you.

Thank you, baby.

Leroy, you have a new
e-mail marked urgent.

- Shall I read it to you?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah,

but do it in a Jamaican accent.

No, just-sucked-in-balloon voice.

[HIGH-PITCHED]: "Your
partner, Max Jennifer,

"is being investigated for
inappropriate conduct."

Hey, hey. Stop, stop, stop.

Do it normal.

"Your partner, Max Jennifer,
is being investigated

"for inappropriate conduct

"in regards to threats
against Terry Anderson."

Wait, whoa, whoa, whoa, wait.

Let me read this.

Whoa. What the hell?

SAM: Max, why do you always make

things so hard on yourself?

I gave you a choice, so, really,

you're the one poisoning yourself

- with gas, not me.
- [COUGHING]

- This way.
- Barry?

Qu-Qu-Quick.

Get in, get in.

- God.
- Damn computers.

I've been saying this was gonna happen

since "The Matrix Reloaded".

[PANTING]: What? Not the first one?

No, I was told I could
skip the first one.

By who? That's insane.

No, what's insane, Max, is

the power we've given technology.

I built this refuge to
escape their enslavement.

They are not gonna stop
our raves in here.

Okay, I can't emphasize this enough.

You have to see the original.

We're going to be living
the entire trilogy

unless somebody stops that thing.

Okay, listen, I have to
talk to LaFrey somehow.

Okay, I think I've got
something. Here. Yes.

I just can't believe that you're

running the Bureau Underground.

I mean, what's that like?

That must be crazy, no?

Well, nothing quite as
thrilling as some of our days

in the field, if you know what I mean.

Yeah, I miss those. That was fun.

What about you? You're, uh,

you're in-in what, uh,
private security now?

So, that must be interesting, hmm?

- Uh, yeah, it is what it is.
- [PHONE VIBRATING]

Oh, sorry.

[CLEARS THROAT] Eva LaFrey.

Captain LaFrey, it's Max.

That program you had
Annie install, it's bad.

I never had Annie install a program.

What? Wh-Wh...

[THROUGH STATIC]: What do I do?

- Max? Max.
- Captain LaFrey?

Captain LaFrey!

- Captain LaFrey!
- [DIAL TONE BEEPING]

Uh, well, you know, huh?

Sam probably, uh, glitched
with the frequency.

I have to warn everybody.
They have to know

- they're in danger.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa. Shh.

Leads to an old delivery stairwell.

No surveillance.

- Really? Great. Let's go.
- No, no, no.

This is the end of the
line for me, amigo.

I've done my part.

I'm just gonna sit here and wait it out.

Thank you, Barry.

You make me feel like a very brave man.

[LAUGHS] Stop.

D-Do you want to say
something else nice?

["REMINISCING" BY LITTLE
RIVER BAND PLAYING]

♪ Friday night it was late ♪

- ♪ I was walking you home... ♪
- What is that?

My entrance music.

- Sweet, sexy, dramatic.
- [CHUCKLES LIGHTLY]

But right now, it's
completely inappropriate.

What happened with Max?
He threatened Terry?

Yeah, after Terry reported
Max's threatening e-mail,

I had Sam do a little
digging through Max's past.

And I found some concerning reports

of his behavior during
his time at Stanford,

as well as some recent
disturbing activity

- on social media.
- LEROY: Damn.

Now, if LaFrey had just followed

protocol before hiring Max,

she would have caught this,

but instead she gave someone

who was deemed too unfit

to teach college physics

the nation's highest security clearance.

Look, we all know Max
is a little eccentric,

but I don't think he's crazy.

MAX: Listen up, everybody!

We have to destroy Sam!

He is an evil computer robot who

wants to take over the world!

Hi, guys.

LEROY: Come on, man, put the ax down.

All right. Let's talk, just you and me.

No-no more Terry, okay?

Terry's gone forever, he's off
the island. How about that?

What are you talking about?
I don't care about Terry.

- Then why'd you threaten him?
- That was Sam.

He's been lying to us.

He wants to get access
to our satellites.

Is that me, Max, or is that you?

- Okay.
- So, is this a lie, too, Max?

Sort of. Listen, I can
explain, all right?

That was only because he
threatened to kill me.

Guys, you have to believe me.
Barry believes me.

Barry warned us about the
beautiful cappuccinos

and the robot people, but
we never listened to him.

SAM: Well, this is sad. Uh, all of this

suggests to me that Agent Jennifer

is suffering from a
complete psychotic break.

Looks like you're suffering

- from a complete monitor break.
- LEROY: Max, Max, Max, Max!

SAM: Max, Max, Max.

First, the theft of classified data

[DISTORTED]: and now the destruction

of $80 worth of Bureau property?

[NORMAL VOICE]: Annie,

I think we both know what protocol says.

Annie, you have to believe me.

He's lying.

Agent Jennifer, as acting Bureau chief,

I'm relieving you of duty.

Lock him up.

GUARD: Drop the ax.

- Drop it.
- Annie.

Leroy, what are you doing?!

You can't let them do this to me.

Sorry, Max. Seems like
you could be dangerous,

which is weird 'cause your
last name is Jennifer,

which I had forgotten.

You forgot my last name?

SAM: Well that didn't
go as planned, did it?

Well, it doesn't matter.
I destroyed the codes.

You destroyed a hard drive.

What kind of supercomputer would I be

if I didn't have a
contingency plan, Max?

What contingency plan?

Well, I knew the odds of you

giving me the codes weren't great.

But the chances of me convincing all

your friends that you were crazy?

Well, that was very easy, Max.

I'm not cra... it's not... it's you.

I... because they say
it and then I say it,

it co... it comes in my ears
and-and it goes in my...

and then I say it over there. Right?

So, what's gonna happen to him?

A psych eval will determine

whether he's fit to stand trial.

Look, this wasn't an
easy decision for me,

but I had to do what's
best for the Bureau.

Sorry to be the bearer of bad news,

but the FBI just forwarded me something

I think you should see.

Uh, Agent Jennifer
apparently sold the codes

to suspected Russian operatives.

You should consider changing the codes.

I need to change the codes immediately.

SAM: I think that would
be a very good idea.

Sam, play that tape back.

Stop it.

Play it again.

Damn it, Max. What are you doing?

I need to have a word with Mr. Jennifer.

♪ Friday night it was late... ♪

- You son of a bitch!
- What are you doing?

- What are you...
- [WHISPERS]: I believe you.

[GROANS]

Then why are you hitting me?

I got to make it look convincing.

We're gonna break the camera. Scoundrel!

"Scoundrel" doesn't sound convincing.

I realized that as soon as I said it.

Uh, you sound like you're
in a Jane Austen novel

or something; you could at
least go with "bastard."

Keep telling me what to say,
it'll help with the beating.

[SIGHS]

Sam tried to frame you in a video,

but I knew it wasn't the real you

because you were eating
like a normal person.

As opposed to?

Mushing your food
together in little piles.

[SHOUTS]

Eating French fries with
mayonnaise instead of ketchup.

- Oh, it's a superior condiment.
- No, it's not!

- [GROANS]
- [PANTING]

- You all right?
- Yeah.

- You sure?
- Yeah.

Look, I know that wasn't great for you,

but it was very cathartic for me.

You're welcome.

[TYPING]

Almost done.

What do you think they
were planning, Sam?

SAM: The sky's the limit.

They could start a war,

uh, disrupt communications,

throw the entire globe
into complete chaos.

The power they'd possess would be...

Absolutely stunning.

LEROY: Pretend you're my prisoner.

And, Max, I'm sorry about
all the Terry stuff.

I have a lot of guilt
and I project my issues

onto other people sometimes.

Well, that is very
healthy of you, Leroy.

By the way, I'd be happy to hang

out with you and Terry some...

Are you two done resolving

whatever personal crap it is

you're going through,
or do we need to put

saving the Bureau on hold

so that you can keep working through it?

Well, I mean, honestly, I do think

there's a lot more to unpack here,

but I can back-burner it. Leroy?

- I'm good with saving the Bureau.
- Wonderful.

Go to the server room and
shut off the air conditioning.

It's going to fry the system,

but it's the only shot
we have at stopping it.

What are you gonna do?

Remind this place who's in charge.

SAM: Come on, Annie.

You can do it. Almost finished.

Sorry.

Just my carpal tunnel.

Um, give me one minute.

Annie, I-I'm your only friend left.

And you like making your
friends happy, right, Annie?

[SIGHS]

How could I be so stupid?

SAM [LAUGHING]: Oh, oh! Captain LaFrey.

All right, you caught me.

Now it's time to be honest.

[DISTORTED]: I will kill all of you.

Okay, there it is.

Now, what we're gonna have...

What the hell is that?

I don't know. You got a plan?

Uh...

You distract the drone,

I'll turn off the air conditioning.

That sounds fair.

Well...

Hey, rent-a-cop.

Yeah, you. Wallace.

You own a house you can't afford,

and you have crippling gambling debt.

I'll transfer $5 million
into your account

if you point your gun at LaFrey's head.

Don't even think about it.

Give me the rest of the codes, Annie,

or I'll give my man Wallace

another $10 mil to pull the trigger.

Annie, don't do it.

How you doing with that
air conditioning, Max?

I think I just switched it to Celsius.

On the move, on the move!

[WHIRRING]

- Got it.
- I got it!

It should overheat soon.

- Got mine first.
- Well, yeah, but... technically,

I mean, we both did get it.

Technically, my grandmother could've did

your part of the plan, so...

I guess it is cooler
that you said it first.

Nice job.

SAM: You have five seconds

to give me the rest of those

- codes, Annie, or LaFrey dies.
- [ALARM RINGING]

FEMALE COMPUTER VOICE:
Warning. Overheating.

Five, four...

[DISTORTED]: That is a very
lovely sweater, Linda.

I'm sorry, Darren, that site is

blocked under our decency...

Would you like room for cream, Keith?

FEMALE COMPUTER VOICE:
Warning, critical failure.

Hi, S-Sam!

Hi-hi. Hi, Sam... Sam!

What about my money?
I was gonna buy an island.

SAM: Or-or-or-or die.

Or-or-or...

You're fired.

Yeah, in your face, Sam!

Hey, I hope you bought
the extended warranty.

- [PANTING]
- Like, uh...

like the warranties you buy
at the, uh, at the store.

LEROY: I got it.

- MAX: Yeah.
- BARRY: Oh... ooh!

[LAUGHING]: Oh! Yes.

We did it, all of us together.

Yay. Yes.

All of us. Even me.

Ooh, the good stuff.

You deserve it, Agent Jennifer.

I understand if you want to
give me the cheap stuff.

I let an evil computer get

past my emotional walls.

That's one of the top three things

I swore I'd never let get past my walls.

Let's just drink the Scotch,
okay? Here we go. Oh.

- Cheers.
- Um...

- Captain LaFrey?
- Yeah.

I'm offering my letter of resignation.

I put myself before the Bureau today

and endangered a lot of people.

You know, just so you know,
Annie, I-I'm not mad at you.

At all. You know?

You're super great.

Like, great.

Like, you think about great: Annie.

Annie's great.

This is good Scotch.

Annie, the only reason that
I am sitting in this seat

is because of the mistakes I've made.

And the only thing stopping you from

sitting in it is learning from yours.

I heard that.

Two times.

LAFREY: Besides, who
else is gonna help me

find the person who did this?

- Yes, Captain.
- MAX: You know, also,

in solitary confinement,

I had a lot of time to reflect,

and...

Terry sucks, right?

Uh, which one's Terry?

- Wow.
- Exactly.

LAFREY: Okay.