Ghosted (2017): Season 1, Episode 5 - The Machine - full transcript

Yesterday two teenagers reported seeing

this elderly gentlemen
disintegrate before their eyes

- into a pile of dust and bones.
- Dust and bones?

Sounds to me like a classic case

of teen one-upsmanship.

"Oh, hey. I made out with
this girl last night."

"Oh, really? I made out with
a girl last night, too.

"And some old man

"disintegrated right in front of us."

- Are you done, Leroy?
- Yes, I am.

We tested the bones and identified



the man as Dan Brewster.

Now, here's where it gets interesting.

This was Dan one week ago.

He was 25 years old.

- What?
- [COMPUTER CHIMES]

- Barry, did you just like his photo?
- Mm-hmm.

One last like for my main man Dan.

So, a person aging decades
in a matter of days.

Is it just a severe case of progeria?

I mean, have you ever seen
anything like this before?

No, we have never seen anything like it.

MAX: Sorry, Leroy.
Uh, progeria is a disease

where the cells in the body go through

their life cycle at an accelerated rate.



You think you're the only one
who knows what progeria means?

We've all seen Benjamin Buttons, bro.

Well, actually, Benjamin
Buttons is just the opposite.

- So, rewind it.
- What?

What are we, watching it on
a VCR? What's going on?

What's wrong with VCR?

- You have a VCR?
- Yeah.

- What movies do you have?
- I got all the Rockys. Uh-huh.

- Rockys? The Rocky movies?
- Yeah.

- Do you have Rocky I?
- Mm-hmm.

- II? III?
- Yeah. Yeah.

- IV?
- Mm-hmm.

- V? Rocky Balboa?
- Yeah. Mm-hmm.

- Creed? Sweet.
- Yeah.

Before he died, Dan was a caddie

at the Copper Glen Country Club.

That's where he was last seen alive.

Now, he caddied for this gentleman,

Stafford Yates, who is the wealthy CEO

of Vaia Pharmaceuticals.

They concentrate their research

on the area of antiaging.

So, this Yates person wants to do

fountain-of-youth testing

by kidnapping human guinea pigs?

Maybe. That's what we're gonna find out.

You two are going undercover
at the country club.

I want you to track Stafford Yates.

Find out what he knows about
Brewster's disappearance.

Oh, and, uh, one more thing.

You're using two separate covers.

One of you is a member.
The other is a caddie.

BOTH: Member.

♪ ♪

Okay, how about this?

How about we take
turns carrying the clubs?

Max, you're the caddie.

The caddie carries clubs.

Well, yeah, traditionally.

But, I mean, how about we develop

a new kind of caddie...

Golf boss relationship?

Hey, you're lucky. You got off easy.

I'm the one who got
stuck with the hard job.

Traipsing around as one of
these upper-class jerks.

- Rich people are the worst.
- Leroy, listen, you're gonna have

to keep an open mind, okay?

I mean, some of these
people are perfectly lovely.

For instance, I have a rich uncle.

Uncle Petey. He was the best.

He had this huge house, right?

Have us come over,

let us trim the hedges, let us rake

up the leaves into these giant piles.

He'd-he'd let us push
the lawn mowers around.

I mean, it was a special time.

You were an unpaid child gardener.

What?

Stafford? Stafford Yates?

Ha! It really is you.

As I live and breathe.

Do I know you?

You wish. Leroy Wright.

- What's up?
- How's it going?

I go way back with Kurt Downing.

When I told him I was moving

my import-export business

- to town for taxes...
- [ALL LAUGH]

he told me about this
second-rate pigsty.

Figured I'd come check it out.

[CHUCKLES] Okay.

Well, this is Campbell McMasters.

- He's the president of the club.
- Hey-oh.

Kurt's been a great friend

- of this "second-rate pigsty."
- [ALL LAUGH]

LEROY: Hey, Yates.

You gonna hit the ball,
or have you gone blind

staring at Campbell's idiotic watch?

[ALL LAUGH]

Golf bosses. Bunch of windbags, right?

Rather hang with my boys.

- Oh, is that me?
- Yeah, big-time.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.
- Oh. [CHUCKLES]

Hey, you caddie for Stafford, right?

- What's he like?
- He's fine.

- I mean, I barely know him.
- Same.

Same. Yeah, yeah. No, I-I don't know

that guy. We're not best friends.

There aren't any songs
that remind me of him.

Right.

Hey. Uh, do you have any
advice for the new guy?

Yeah. Don't work here.

What do you mean?

There's a really high
turnover for caddies here.

Some of them kind of...

Disappear.

- What are you talking about?
- Shh.

Not here.

You mean, like, no talking at all? Or...

- Shh.
- Tell you what, the feds

are all up my ass over
these African gazelles

I want to bring over here.

Regulations are killing me.

I killed one of those.
They're beautiful.

But I hear you on the regulations.

Damn FDA.

Used to be all over us at Vaia.

How is the pharmaceutical game?

[LAUGHING]: What?

You think they let him work

at a pharmaceutical company?

[CHUCKLES] Yeah, I got kicked
off the board about a year ago

for making a porno in my office.

They called me "grossly incompetent."

I'm like, "No, I'm not. You are!"

Killer comeback.

[LAUGHING]: Yeah, I'm that good.

Okay.

Pretty good strike.

- Sliced it.
- I did.

- It's not a tomato, Yates.
- [CHUCKLES]

How am I gonna get that in the bushes?

CAMPBELL: That's what
a caddie's for, isn't it?

STAFFORD: Man, I hate this game.

- CAMPBELL: Come on, caddie.
- Sorry.

It turns out that another caddie

disappeared from Copper
Glen a few years ago.

A pattern emerges.

You know, I used to belong to

one of these places growing up.

These people are literally the worst.

I would not be surprised if
they're actually running

these tests on these kids.

Wait, so you're rich? But last weekend

you said you couldn't afford

to do karaoke with me and my roomies.

Okay, last time I did
karaoke with you guys,

Miriam told me that if I
couldn't hit a high "C,"

then I shouldn't bother
trying to sing Mariah.

Here's what I want to know:

how rich are we talking?

Plane or boat?

♪ Helicopter... ♪

Okay, sorry, just...

Maybe Miriam was right.

[WHISPERING]: Helicopter?

All right, I'll catch up
with you losers later.

- All right.
- I got to tip my caddie.

Sometimes I give mine extra

to do a little dance. Caddie?

- Uh-oh.
- Oh...

- Come on, now.
- [LAUGHS] -Man, don't do it.

- Here we go.
- Ricky, don't.

Hold the line. Just don't do it.

- [CHANTING]: Dance, dance.
- Here we go.

- Dance, dance.
- Here we go.

- Dance, dance, dance.
- Here we go.

[ALL CHEER, LAUGH]

- Whoa, whoa, whoa!
- Oh, there it is.

It's gonna get away from you.
It's gonna get away from you.

- There you go.
- Yeah.

Come on, come on.

There you go. There you go. [CHUCKLES]

[ALL LAUGH]

LEROY: Top-notch, Stafford.

Nothing funnier than
destroying a man's dignity.

- [BOTH LAUGH]
- My caddie's so stupid,

he thinks NASDAQ is a rapper.

[LAUGHTER]

He thinks Waterford Crystal
is a stripper from Connecticut.

Look at him. I think he actually does

- think that.
- He does! Look at his face.

He still wears his wedding ring,
and his wife ran out on him...

- Twice!
- CAMPBELL: Wait, wait. Same wife?

LEROY: You think he could
afford a second one?

- [ALL LAUGH]
- All right. Be good.

Take care, guys.

[LAUGHTER]

STAFFORD: Oh, that's sad.

- Hey, man.
- Hey, buddy.

Getting a little personal

with the roast battle
there, don't you think?

Dude, we're undercover.

Okay.

I mean... maybe I was wrong.

Rich guys are terrible.

Maybe, but Stafford's
definitely not our guy.

He's way, way too dumb
to be a mad scientist.

Okay, well, something is up,

because Ricky was freaked out.

He was like...

He wanted you to
spoon-feed him applesauce?

No, he was scared. That's
a scared face. He's like...

- This is a scared face.
- Oh.

You're actually right.
That's super good.

[HORN HONKING]

- [TIRES SCREECH]
- Look out!

Oh, my God.

[LEG SNAPS]

Honest mistake.

Um, what's up with Campbell?

There's walking it off,
and there's walking it off.

And his leg, it just...

It bent back into place again.

I can't emphasize how messed up it is,

like a movie I can't stop watching.

I just want the movie to end.

MAX: Okay, so, the old man...

The one that disintegrated
in front of the teenagers...

If he was indeed rapidly aging,

all that energy must
have gone somewhere.

And if Campbell can heal

just as quickly, it suggests

some sort of transfer.

- Maybe.
- LAFREY: Well, it certainly

doesn't sound like a coincidence.

You know what it does sound like?

The Cronos machine.

Right?

What?

Cronos machine.

Do you seriously not know
what a Cronos machine is?

[MOUTHS]

Okay, well...

There are ancient legends

in South American folklore

of the Cronos machine,

designed to perfect and
heal the human body.

Only problem was, they were built

within sacred trees with powers

of invincibility but also evil.

Their ultimate goal: immortality.

You saying "cronuts" machine?

Cronos machine. It's an
immortality machine.

The donut with the
croissant, it's a hybrid.

- Man, there ain't no Cronos...
- LAFREY: All right,

Leroy, there's a party
at Copper Glen tonight.

You're going to attend. Once you're in,

break off, and find out whatever
you can about this Campbell guy,

- so nobody else gets hurt.
- Got it.

LAFREY: Annie, you're gonna go

as his wife, all right?
You know the terrain,

and you can blend in
with the rich crowd.

- Ooh, I bet she will.
- LAFREY: Max,

- you'll be going as a waiter.
- MAX: Oh, great.

I guess, uh, instead
of passing out clubs,

I'll be passing out club sandwiches.

No, do you... I...

- Do you get it, 'cause...
- Yes, everyone got it.

It's not hard to get. Let's go to work.

[JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING]

CAMPBELL: Leroy.

Please, I want you to meet

the love of my life, Monica.

- LEROY: Charmed.
- Well...

And you must be Chantreuse, yes?

- Chantreuse. Okay.
- [LEROY CHUCKLES]

- And, Campbell...
- Mm-hmm?

- Ugly watch, as always.
- [ANNIE LAUGHS]

Tease him about his watch, honey.
Oh, I like it.

Doesn't seem like you're
overcompensating at all.

- [LAUGHS]
- LEROY: That's my girl.

Oh. Oh, I like her.

I love her. I love you.

Oh, well, let's go chat.

Let the boys be boys.

- I spy a dessert tray.
- Ooh.

[SINGSONGY]: Lemon bars.

Tuna tartare, anyone?

Excuse me, um...

Gee, but... where do I know you from?

Um...

No, I don't think... I'm
one of three triplets...

Wait a minute. Well, no, no.
Now I remember. Yes, yes.

You're the waiter I'm gonna have fired

the next time he interrupts me.

Right, of course.
Yes, I'm so sorry, sir.

[CHUCKLES] Get out of here, stupid.

But will Campbell even notice

that I look great in this dress?

Of course not.

- Mm.
- He's probably off

in the secret room doing

the P90X or whatever.

[CHUCKLES] I'm sorry, what was that?

Mm. P90X.

It's an exercise routine

popularized by Paul Ryan...

No, I'm sorry, just before that,

you were saying something...

There's-there's a secret room?

Mm. Yeah. It's downstairs.

I'm not allowed in it, of course.

[À LA CAMPBELL]:
"You belong in three rooms:"

"the kitchen, the bedroom,
and the doll room."

Uh, we can't have children,

so I just have a room full of 300 dolls.

[CHUCKLES UNCOMFORTABLY]

[QUIETLY]: Leroy, there's
a secret room downstairs.

- I'm coming towards you.
- ... my factories for multiple

human rights violations,

but the important thing is
we were never convicted.

That's the important thing.

- Hello, men. We're back!
- Hello!

Honey, did you know that

Chartreuse has children?

Real ones, not the kind with the

glass eyes and the stuffing.

Excuse me. I...

- Have to use the little boys' room.
- Oh.

Excuse me.

Keep Campbell occupied.

I'm gonna slip into the members area

downstairs and see what I can find.

MAX [OVER COMM]: Hey, it's Max.
Leroy, this sounds like

a great plan. Side note, we should use

these new comm devices all the time.

They're super cool. Over.

Max, stay off the comm
unless it's for the mission.

- And you don't need to say "over."
- Copy that.

I'll do "mout" instead of "over," okay?

- Mout.
- "Mout"?

Yeah, it's a combination
of "Max" and "out,"

so you'll know it's me. Mout.

I don't like it. Sounds
too much like "mouth."

- Don't do it.
- ANNIE: Guys, stop.

We're just gonna use "over." Over.

Okay, well, that's what I
initially wanted, so great.

Mout. I mean, over. Sorry.

I've got something
downstairs in the cellar

- you are gonna love.
- [ANNIE CHUCKLES]

- $20,000.
- Oh!

Well, no, no. You don't
need to get it right now.

Just... just get me a cheap
box of Pinot greesh, I'm good.

- Right?
- Right? You get it.

- I get it.
- She gets it. I am obsessed with her.

You are my spirit animal.

- Oh, but do go get the $20,000 bottle.
- Mm.

Oh, no, it's fine.
Please don't. It's okay.

Hey, Campbell is headed
downstairs towards Leroy.

- Max, we got to stop him.
- Okay.

With pleasure.

- Oh, no! I am... so sorry.
- [GASPING]

- You stupid idiot!
- Oh, my God. Here you go.

Wait a minute! I remember you.

You're not just a lousy waiter.

You're a lousy caddie, aren't you?

Security, come and get this guy!

Well, you're just a rich
butthead who cheats at golf!

- I don't cheat at golf.
- Yeah, you do!

I do not. He gave me that putt!

That was for Ricky!

Up with the caddies! Down with the rich!

Abort, Leroy, abort.
I'm so sorry. I couldn't hold him.

Mout. I mean, over. God.

Guys, I've got pictures of Campbell

from tons of different eras.

It's like the guy's been alive for...

Hundreds of years.

- [STATIC]
- Guys?

- [LINE RINGING]
- BARRY: Leroy.

Barry, some freaky stuff is going on.

I'm gonna send you some photos.

Um, it'll be my honor, Leroy.

While you're on the phone,
I just wanted to say I did

a little bit of research into your name,

and it turns out that
"Leroy" means "the k..."

[BEEP]

[DIAL TONE]

Yes, I'll be your friend, Leroy!

[CHUCKLES]

Silly. He j... he just had to ask.

So, I mean, I told him that
he, like, cheats at golf,

which I think, for these guys,
is a pretty sick burn, so...

- Yeah! Yes. Well done.
- Yeah?

- Yeah? Really?
- Totally.

- Yeah. [LAUGHS]
- Okay, good.

Good, good, good, good, good.

- Oh...
- What?

Nothing. I just...

I just noticed you don't
have on your wedding ring.

- Not that you should or you shouldn't.
- Yeah, no, I...

- I just... Noticing.
- Yeah.

I didn't think it was right
for my waiter character,

- so... You know, undercover and stuff.
- ... Mm. Mm-hmm.

I mean, also, my wife did
slam my head against a table

and tell me not to look for her.

But mostly it was a character choice.

Makes sense.

- Yeah. Yeah.
- Yeah.

- Well, yeah.
- All right. Boom.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Damn, Campbell.

What are you, some kind of vampire?

Barry, have you spoken to Leroy?

Uh, yes, many times.

In the six weeks that I've known him,

we've spoken together every day.

Recently, Barry, recently.

Have you spoken to him?
We can't get him on the comm.

Oh, yes.

- He sent over some photos.
- What photos?

Well, I'll send them over now.

What? No.

Not "Barry's Sweet Vacay Pics."

Um, oh, stop it.

What are you doing?

- What's going on, Barry?
- Uh, sorry.

Th-The program's just a bit buggy.

- Spring break! Spring break!
- [WHOOPING]

- Oh, my g... oh, geez.
- Horny bitches!

Just... can we...?

[WHOOPING AND SHOUTING]

- [MURMURING]
- Get your hand... Get... stop it.

Horny bitches!

LAFREY: We've confirmed
that's Campbell in both photos.

Horny bitches.

So if that's true,

that would mean that
Campbell's at least...

150 years old.

I mean, he doesn't look a day over 65.

Let me see it again.

Annie, there's something else here.

Oh, no.

We got to get back inside.

Okay, but I just got
kicked out of there.

I mean, how am I gonna get back in?

Thought you had me, didn't you?

But, as it turns out,

I had you.

What is this?

What the hell are you doing?

Leroy,

I am a very well-connected man.

You must have known
that I would discover

that you're a 15-year
veteran of the LAPD.

You don't get to be 180

years old by being dumb.

And now, Leroy,

time to have a little blood drawn.

Unbelievable. So it's totally
fine that I come in now,

because I'm with a rich
person. It's disgusting.

Well, whatever. You love it.

Well, yeah, I mean, in this
situation it's very helpful.

Okay, so how do we find Leroy?

I mean, it's a secret room.

It's a secret.

Oh, I will find it.

Believe me, I know these places.

There's always an item

that reveals a secret door.

Like an oddly placed wall sconce.

Or the wall sconce is just
a poor design choice.

LEROY: What are you doing?

Oh, relax. I'm just
prepping the machine.

LEROY: The chair's the machine?

Am I sitting in some
damn cronuts device?

Cro-nos. Cronos.

And since you're familiar
with it, well, then,

you already know that it's your blood

that's gonna keep me young and pretty.

Campbell, I'm a very unhealthy eater.

My go-to breakfast
is a block of cheddar.

Mm-hmm. I just bite
right into it like an apple.

Lunch is a bucket of bacon
and a stick of butter.

Damn it, Campbell,

if you Cronos me, I will beat your ass.

- Do you hear me?
- CAMPBELL: Mmm.

Stop Cronosizing me,
you crazy, ancient idiot!

[LEROY SCREAMS]

- Okay, wait. That was Leroy.
- [LEROY SCREAMS IN DISTANCE]

- Right?
- LEROY: Stop it!

Oh, it's so obvious.

- Here we go.
- No. No. Stop it!

No, please, don't.

MAX: Oh, my God, a Cronos machine.

- [GRUNTS]
- I knew it.

Shwa! I told you, bitch.

Oh, that's right, you indestructible.

[GRUNTS]

[MAX SHOUTING]

[GROANS]

[SHOUTS]

[GRUNTS]

[SIGHS]

- [GROANS]
- MAX: Hey!

Leroy... the machine.

The machine! [GROANS]

[PANTS]

CAMPBELL: No.

Go on.

- It's not working!
- The tree.

- Get the tree.
- You said the machine!

- I meant the tree.
- [GRUNTS]

[GROANS]

- No!
- [GRUNTS]

[SCREAMS]

[MAX AND LEROY PANTING]

MAX: Oh, my God.

Think LaFrey will be
pissed I broke the Cronos?

Why would she? She didn't
even know what it was.

Yeah, she'll be fine.

Somebody had to put an
end to the Cronos-ing.

You know, that's not really
the proper use of the word.

Cut me some slack.

Never claimed to be a Cronos-ologist.

Okay, not to nitpick, but still

not exactly the right terminology.

You know what? I'll cut you some slack.

Thank you for saving my life.

Wow. Could have led with that.

- Hey, man.
- Hey.

Hey, look, uh...

I know I went a little too far

with that joke about your wife

back at the golf course, and

I just wanted to apologize.

Oh, there's no need. I know it

was just Rich Leroy talking.

Plus, I was pretty deep undercover

as Max the Caddie, so...

Well, if you happen to
see Max the Caddie,

tell him Rich Leroy would
also like to apologize.

Okay. Well, on behalf of Max the Caddie,

I accept your apol...

- You know what? Can we just drop this?
- Yes, please.

Turns out, I think you were right.

It's probably time for me to move on.

I like that idea.

- You're gonna be okay, man.
- Thanks.

LAFREY: I cannot believe the two of you

destroyed the Cronos machine.

- I had to destroy it to save Max.
- MAX: Yeah.

I almost died, so whatever
blood I had left,

it would have been on your hands.

At least you could
have tried to do both.

Do you guys ever think
about what you would do

- if you could live forever?
- MAX: Ooh, I think I would just

- read for 200 years.
- Yes.

If you're immortal, and
an alligator eats you,

like, what happens? Could somebody

walk me through the rules?

Yeah, do you just live
inside the alligator

until it dies, or are you digested?

And what if the alligator's immortal?

- What then?
- MAX: Oh, my God.

I don't know.

That's the thing is that you don't know.

My great aunt lived to be 119 years old.

But she said the last 40
years were mostly coughing.

Oh, that's really sweet.

BARRY: I-I know this may be lame,

but if we're all immortal,

I'd want to spend
eternity with you people.

Everybody in for a group hug. Come on.

- Come on. My eyes are closed.
- LAFREY: Barry.

There's no shame in it.
Come on, enter my arms.

That's it. Whole group.

I'm just gonna stay here until
the group hug's complete.

Ooh. Okay. Yes.

This sounds, sounds like Leroy's
tip-tippy toes tapping...

There you are.