Getting On (2013–2015): Season 1, Episode 3 - Make Someone Happy - full transcript

Good morning, Mrs. Martin.

How am I doing today?

Good morning, Susan.

Oatmeal.

What can I do for you today?

Mrs. Brookins, your banana and your yogurt.

What can I do for you lately?

Did I tell you I had a date last night?

Not yet.

I think I have a new boyfriend.

I think this one's really serious.



- That's what I think.
- That's why you're smiling?

- Maybe.
- How can I make you happy?

Dawn, I need to take this.

No, Didi, you can't.

Social Services. Please?

Social Services?

Okay, Mrs. Mantilla, now I'm
gonna read you a few statements

and I want you to answer
on a scale of one to 10.

One being "strongly disagree,"

10 being "strongly agree."

Okay? "Medical staff recognizes, respects

and supports patient rights
and maintains confidentiality."

No.

So that's basically a two.



Mr. Butler, good morning.

How can we help you today?

- How you doing, Lydia?
- Good, thanks.

I brought Daddy by to visit with Birdy.

He wants to give her a valentine.

So we filled up an old box with Milk Duds,

didn't we, Daddy? She
likes to suck on them.

Didi, can you bring Mr. Butler

back to visit with Birdy, please?

Leonard is Birdy's gentleman friend

from her old assisted-living facility.

Visits are every week rain or shine.

I'll pick him up in a few hours.

Thank you.

Hey, darling.

Hey, Didi, I have an
interdepartmental letter for you.

Oh, Daddy, where you been?

- You miss me?
- Like crazy.

What's this? Am I being
promoted to head nurse?

Or better yet, head of the medical center.

Definitely. Let's you
and me run this place.

- Show them how it's really done.
- Thanks.

All right. I'll see you later.

It's your favorite.

"Nurse Ortley, I'm writing to inform you

that a complaint has been made against you

which, should the
allegation be proven correct,

would put you in violation
of Mount Palms Hospital's

equal opportunities code of conduct.

The victim has alleged you stated

in clear audible tones and in...

in a homophobic manner

that "You didn't do so
badly for a big, fat fairy."

Well...

you've done the right thing
coming to see your union rep,

and I'll do all I possibly can for you

in this matter. You just
need to tell me everything.

In my defense, this
patient was crazy as hell.

Crazy as hell.

She was really abusive. She made threats.

She called me an ugly old dyke.

I'm sorry to hear that.

She, um, screamed at him...

Nurse De La Serda,

calling him a big fat fairy,
then cracked him over the nose.

And then I said "I thought
you did okay for a fat fairy,"

'cause I was just trying
to lighten things up.

You know, I'm saying something funny.

It's nice to make people laugh.

But next time tell a knock-knock
joke or something, okay?

It's not easy growing up gay.

And that's all I'm gonna say.

I'm not... look... okay.

I was... I was just making a joke.

That's it.

And when you put it in this PC context,

you're making it sound
bad when it really wasn't.

This...

is very serious.

Your job is at risk.

So I think a meeting with
you and Nurse De La Serda

is advised where you can just
make a formal apology to him

for any hurt you may have caused.

You okay with that?

All right. Fine.

Okay.

I'll do it. Fine.

Knock knock.

Really?

I am happy to report that
there is now one free bed

in the Ventilator Suite.

The morbidity rate
associated with vent units

is so bleak that it is a good day indeed

when we can wean a patient.

What is that?

Mmm.

Wheatgrass, garlic, and paprika.

Mm. I'm on a really strict new diet.

No no, you don't need to diet.

You just need to lose a few pounds.

And so what are these?

Oh, that's part of the new
"Make Someone Happy" Campaign.

It's the top-down rethink
on how we do things.

Yes. I've seen the new wall propaganda.

Well, the idea is to
focus more on our patients

and hospitality,

like at Disneyland and on cruise ships.

That's ridiculous. But I'm not prejudging.

I'm open-minded. You know me.

Okay, we're gonna start with
Mrs. Susan Dayward this morning,

- if that's all right with you.
- Lead on. Lead on.

What have we done for you lately?

So Mrs. Dayward is here for

post-surgery rehab from a
routine knee replacement.

That's right. Mrs. Dayward's
got a marathon to run

- in a couple months.
- Do you really?

- If I can.
- Oh, wonderful.

I'm a runner too, so that's wonderful.

Excellent. Yes yes. Gentlemen?

The last of a dying breed, the trim senior.

Most of our seniors are quite fat.

We have an epidemic of
obesity among our elderly.

So early, late middle-aged woman

with clearly strong ideas

about the quality of
life she wants to maintain

has surgery rather than
wait for full-fledged

osteoarthritis to set in.

Which hopefully we can stave off

for a couple more good years.

So what might we be on the lookout for?

- Lois?
- I'm not Lois.

Oh no? Oh. What's your name?

- My name's Kitty.
- Oh, I...

what happened to Lois?

We don't know a Lois. Sorry.

I can't let you have solids yet.

But we'll let you chew and suck on these

if you promise to spit them out.

Hey, where's Birdy?

I put her in the lounge.

And where... where's Mr. Butler?

- I put him in the lounge too.
- Oh God, no.

What? The A.C. was off in her room...

- No no no no no.
- ... and they just seemed like they would be

- more comfortable in there.
- What... excuse me.

Didi, they're having sex.

Ooh. Oh.

She's going down on him.

Wow.

Birdy is going to town.

Don't just stand there. Would you
please get over there and stop them?

- Wait, me?
- Yes.

If she sees them, she'll have a fit.

Okay, but I think you should do it

because you know all about it.

- I don't...
- Just a second. Just get over there

and shake them or shove her or something.

I just think... I think
you should be the one...

She saw me. I can't. You go.

Birdy? Miss Birdy?

No no no no no. I need you to sit up now.

- Butt out.
- Sit up. Knock it off.

- I'm Leonard Butler.
- Yeah, I know who you are

and I need you to straighten up too.

- Pull his shirt down.
- There you go.

- What?
- Didi, pull his shirt down over his erection.

Who wants to buy a raffle ticket?

The raffle for my husband's cause.

Richard's wing of the museum is
sponsoring a village in Sri Lanka.

No thanks. I never win anything.

What is it for?

Bridges and schools.

The devastation after the tsunami.

What about you? We have to care.

Huh?

Um, I don't know. How much is it?

A line of six is $50.

I don't know. Two, I guess.

Two, great. That's $100.

Oh, no no no. I meant two tickets.

Oh well... well, two... no, two's like 20.

Right. Well, what do I win?

Well, grand prize is a
deluxe weekend getaway

to Pechanga Indian Resort and Casino.

Let me just get one.

All right.

All right. I'll take six.

Six? Really, six?

Oh, fantastic.

Hey, big spender. All right.

$300.

Okay.

50 a line, six lines.

It's just I, um...

can I bring it... the
money to you on Monday?

Why, you can't pay now?

I didn't bring a checkbook with me today

and I don't... I don't have cash, so...

Can you pay half?

Oh.

Can you... can you lend her money?

- Me? No.
- Yeah.

I don't know, Dawn. It just...

it feels like you're asking for layaway.

I'll bring it on Monday, I swear.

All right. Just make sure it's on Monday.

Okay, good luck.

I don't need this today.

I don't need this.

It seems like somebody might
want to bring me up to date

on the policies and procedures

on sex around here. I might
just need to know that.

Yeah, clearly. Okay.
We need to be respectful

on our patients' sexual bill of rights.

Okay? Now we're all still
just kind of winding along

and figuring out exactly what that means,

but it is case by case.

- So, what... ?
- Is that clear, okay?

- Not really.
- Could you please just get her back to her room.

Thank you very much. You
think you could do that,

for crying out loud?

Nurse De La Serda, hello. Fine, thank you.

Dr. James, I understand
you had great success

with one of our customers in
the Ventilator Suite today.

- Customers?
- Oh! Patients.

Yes. I don't know that I like to think

- of my patients as customers.
- Of course.

Yet we are finding that our
patients' hospital experience

is greatly enhanced when
we treat them as customers.

Anyway, I saw on your iCal

that you won't be with
us on the 11th and 12th.

No no no. I'm slipping my shackles.

I'm attending the American
Gerontology Conference in Cleveland.

It's just that the "Make Someone Happy"

kickoff orientation falls on those dates.

There's a billion up for grabs.

One billion low-hanging fruit all
juicy and ripe for the picking.

Wonderful. Well, thank you
for the edifying information.

You'll have to pick your fruit without me.

Administration has brought
in a team of consultants.

- Their travel's alre...
- So special "Make Someone Happy" consultants?

Yes, Dr. Lee Glissock

is a "Make Someone Happy" consultant.

Well, I'll be presenting my
research paper on geriatric stool

and I can't change the
dates of the conference.

I'm on a panel with Dr.
Rogers from the Mayo clinic,

and Dr. Hector Rabinowitz of the
Albert Einstein College of Medicine.

So I wish you would have
run the dates past me first.

How? I mean, you're my
Director of Medicine,

I can rarely find you

if you go working on your
research. It's so frustrating.

I do know administration
expects everyone to attend.

Bitch.

It's impossible. All right,

I've told everybody on my staff about that.

- So technically...
- Paul.

Jenna?

You heard about the conflict, right?

With Cleveland?

Hey. Who is that?

It's Marguerite Macaw, student nurse.

She's helping Patsy collect information

based on the Royal American
Cruise Line's philosophy

of customer satisfaction first.

Hi, Marguerite.

Hi. Uh, it's just Margaret.

The U is silent

and then the I-T-E is just a schwa.

A schwa.

No no, Paul, I am going.

I am adamant that you allow me to go.

- I really am.
- Jenna, you don't need my permission.

It's just that it's Lee Glissock.

Yes, I'm fully aware of Lee Glis...

Forgive me. I'm... have a lunch date

and I just need to
reconfirm my reservation.

Because you know that
Cleveland was in the works

way before this Disney
business, and I need to know

if there's a problem with the
committee, I have you to defend me.

Jenna, you don't need me to defend you.

We're all able to make adult decisions

and entitled to have them respected, okay?

Yes, but if I need somebody to defend me?

Ah.

Hi.

Um, Jenna, this is Christine.

She's our new GI hire.

Jenna works over in rehab.

Well, Geriatric Care.

Dr. Jenna James.

Hi.

Um, so am I early? Should I...

No no no no. You are absolutely perfect.

So are you going to lunch?
We should all do lunch.

Go together. Coffee?

- Yeah, absolutely.
- Great.

Some other time.

Jenna, thanks for coming to see me.

- Yeah yeah yeah.
- Okay.

Hi.

Hey. Come in.

I was just gonna run across
the street to get some lunch.

Do you want to come?

No. No thanks, actually. I'm vegan.

No no, me too.

I mean, today. I just...
I started this diet.

Um, so thank you for putting
me in the cab last night.

It's... it's all right.

So did you have a good time?

I... yeah. I mean...

I think maybe I'd be a
little more comfortable

if we just...

Mm. Okay.

Can I see your forms?

It's still a bit sparse
like we talked about,

but, um, let's talk about your performance.

- Okay.
- So we're starting to get preliminary data

from the patient surveys. Nothing final.

Not even comprehensive really,

but preliminary little needles

that point us in certain directions.

- Okay.
- Okay.

So in many ways, you're a manager too.

And you have to give feedback to nurses

who work beneath you.

And sometimes we have to give
feedback in the form of a...

shit sandwich with two slices of bread

to mask the essential flavor
of what we have to say.

But, Dawn,

in your case,

I'm struggling to find your bread.

I'm sorry?

I just... so far you're
not showing up very well.

You're poor-slash-inappropriate

in 11 out of 14 categories.

Well, what did I do good in?

"Utilizes computers correctly,

identifies self as registered nurse,"

and you get high marks
for evaluating diversity

in patients and their families.

Well, that's a start.

I mean, that's a little bread.

Maybe like for an open-faced shit sandwich.

Oh God, am I gonna get fired?

No. We are going to work on this together.

Okay?

Now what you are is what you have been.

And you will be is what you do right now.

Okay.

There we go.

There we go, dear.

Mrs. Sullivan, welcome.

We're glad to have you here with us.

We want to make things very comfortable.

That's a very pretty yellow
nightgown that you have on.

I think that you're in
a little bit of pain?

So we want to help you with that.

And I'm sorry. I know that it's
darn hard, but we... we just...

we want to make things easier.

Oh, Daddy.

Daddy.

I can't find it!

Where is her assessment form?

- For what?
- Suitability and capacity

to engage in sexual activity, of course.

You know, I asked Didi twice
to put them in the room.

And I assumed she would close the curtain.

- Well, I am not...
- I'm not a fluffer. It's not a fluffer.

- What is it?
- All right. It's irrelevant either way.

They can't just wander around having sex

wherever they want with whoever they want.

Have either one of you read the
literature on geriatric consent?

Um, yes.

So you read my paper?

Yes.

- Nijmegen.
- Yes. That one.

The...

Near Maastricht in the Netherlands?

My Nijmegen paper. Yes?

Read it again and explain
it to Dolores here,

'cause it looks like she
could stand to bone up as well.

I'm Denise... Didi.

Well, clearly most of these women

are incapable of expressed consent,

probably even implied consent,

which then raises the issue of coercion.

Well, it seemed to me
like they both enjoyed it.

Okay, but that's off point, you see?

The central point is:

how do we know that they
even know what they're doing?

What about him in the... that?

He doesn't look like
he has all his marbles.

Disease? He could be a carrier.

His daughter drops him off on Thursdays.

Okay. All right. Stop.

It's so simple.

Sexual behavior is a biologic urge.

And so with dementia we have
the loosening of the libido

and arousal, and then we have
the impairment of judgment.

And you see, this is the potential

for the frenzy of fornication.

So we have to use our
judgment on their behalf.

Oh, shut the fuck up.

I don't want sex on the ward of any kind

until Interdisciplinary Care
Plan Teams composed of legal,

mental health, uh...

probably an internist

have assessed everyone's fitness

to engage in sexual activity.

Am I understood?

- Yes, ma'am.
- Yes.

Observer from HR and we can get this...

oh, and there she is.

- Sorry I'm late.
- Hello hello.

I'd like to kick this off
by saying thank you all

for participating in this Conflict
Resolution Strategy Meeting.

Nurse Forchette, please
note everyone in attendance.

I'm feeling very positive
that we can demonstrate

that Nurse Ortley did not intend

any abuse whatsoever.

Isn't that right, Didi?

Yep.

Uh, Nurse De La Serda,

can I just clarify with
regard to the allegation,

which aspect of it did you find abusive?

Was it the word "fat," or the word "fairy"?

Both actually.

Then with regard to the word "fairy,"

are we talking about Homophobic Abuse,

or Inappropriate Use of
Language in the Workplace?

Could we clarify what you mean exactly?

I just... for the record?

Well, if Nurse De La Serda is gay

we are talking about Homophobic Abuse.

And if he is not, we are talking about

Inappropriate Use of
Language in the Workplace.

Well, he's not gay.

Uh...

okay.

Nurse De La Serda?

Tell them you're not gay.

Um, that's not the point.

I'm... that's... that's not why we're here.

I... I don't even think that's
an appropriate question really.

Can we just get on...

- can we just get on with the meeting?
- Okay okay.

- Because I'm starting to get uncomfortable.
- Okay.

We could simply... would you
be happy, Nurse De La Serda

to accept a sincere
apology from Nurse Ortley.

Then maybe that would resolve it?

I'd have to confer with my manager.

Yes, possibly.

That's very generous of you. Thank you.

Didi, come on now.

Sorry.

Pardon, could you say again?

I already said it once. Sorry.

Could she say it like she means it, please?

Because I just don't think it's sincere.

I mean, did you think that was sincere?

Okay okay.

Didi, would you, could you please

make a fuller apology?

No. I done already said it twice now.

Well, something sincere.
You know, from the heart?

Like there's the remotest
chance that you actually mean it.

Let's not turn this into a brouhaha.

Take a breath.

I am extremely sorry, Nurse De La Serda.

Beautiful.

Is that acceptable to you, nurse?

I don't know. I... you know,

I'm gonna have to think
about it, because I just...

- I need some time.
- Okay.

Um, yes. How long do you need?

At least 24 hours.

Beautiful. Beautiful. 24 hours.

Can I just finish by saying I think
this whole meeting has been homophobic?

I mean, the whole meeting.

You know, I mean everything about it.

I mean, asking me, the victim,

am I gay, am I not gay? It's just...

- What are you saying?
- It makes no...

Yeah, I've got to take this.

Hello? Yeah.

Overall, I think this went pretty well.

I want to thank you for
coming in on such short notice.

There's a certain matter we need to discuss

involving Mom.

Mom has a suitor.

A gentleman friend.

Yes, it is... it is sweet,

but it's a little bit more
than just holding hands.

Uh, there is oral sex

and mutual masturbation mostly.

And then there's vaginal intercourse.

Um, I would say that it's pretty much

on a regular basis. Like
whenever they're together.

So if I could just get your consent

here and here.

Did you want to continue your visit?

- Bye, Mom.
- Bye, Mom.

Bye.

At least we know she's not
gonna get pregnant, right?

Nurse Forchette?

Oh, great. Now it's just "nurse"?

Dawn, I need to speak to you.

Yeah well, I really
need to speak to you too.

Okay, what was that
about back in the meeting?

And now you've been
avoiding me like a leper.

I'm not even an open-faced shit sandwich.

I'm just some side order of crap.

No, please, I'm sorry, okay?

I'm under a lot of stress,
Dawn, and I have issues.

- Okay?
- Yeah, I know you do.

And you're more than a shit sandwich to me.

Okay? You are.

We'll talk.

We will. But I just got back from the lab

and they've confirmed two cases
of C. diff in the Ventilator Suite

which is very bad news.

So this entire ward
needs to be deep cleaned.

- The entire ward?
- Yes.

Okay, but I'm gonna have
to check with Dr. James.

Do you want to be the one responsible

for burying all the patients
with C. diff on this floor?

Please stop whisper-yelling at me.

Now where do you want me to put all
these people? Where are the beds?

Seven beds in the stroke ward, but
this ward's got to be cleaned now.

We need to get moving, okay?

Yes, I'm here.

What does this jackass want?

A floor-wide deep clean.

Okay, I've got to go.
I've got someone stuck

underneath a food cart in the elevator.

I feel really stupid right now.

- Why?
- Just...

I just think I wish I hadn't
given him a blowjob last night.

- You did what?
- I know.

I know. It's just, it seemed like a really

really good idea at the time.

You know? I went on a tight budget

and I've just been feeling a little shaky.

What happened to your whole
"whoops, kitty" of it all?

You know, have you ever had
a shopping addiction, Denise?

You know what it's like
to try to give it up?

You know what I mean? When
you... the anxiety that you feel?

- You have to replace it with something.
- What about knitting?

Do something with your
hands, not your mouth.

- I know.
- And he's gay.

Except he really wanted it.

Dawn...

okay, let me tell you something.

I have a cou... you know what? Never mind.

men will put their dicks in anything

at any time.

Okay, stay calm, everyone.

There is no fire.

We're just moving you guys to another ward.

Okay, we're gonna take you
guys over to the stroke ward.

What is happening here?

No no no no. Not happening.

No no. Stop the music.

- Don't... stop moving patients.
- Patsy ordered it, and we already...

I don't care what Nurse Patsy has ordered.

I am Director of Medicine.
Nothing has been run by me.

There are two cases of C.
diff in the Ventilator Suite.

Okay, if there is a
problem in the vent suite,

we clean the vent suite. We
don't clean the entire floor.

But of course, what would one
expect from Nurse Psychobabble

who wants to run this
place like a cruise line?

Ridiculous posters.
These women are patients.

They are not customers.

The ridiculous new rules are degrading.

It's embarrassing. And
they are Mickey Mouse rules

is what they are. They
are Donald Duck rules.

Nurse De...

- Doctor...
- I'm sorry. I'm in a big hurry.

- Doctor, just a word.
- Mrs. Gelfman.

- Just a word.
- Mrs. Kaufman.

This... this ward needed to be cleaned,

so I ordered a deep cleaning.

Yes, you did and you did
not run it by me first.

Because I cannot find you. I'm
not even sure what you do all day.

Look, wait. Let me explain, okay?

- Could I say something?
- No, if I just... no, can I say something?

No, I'm sorry. Excuse me.

- If I could just say...
- All right. If I could just finish.

- No, please.
- If I could just say...

Our infection rates are sky high.

- Please...
- We can't afford out of control C. diff stats.

- Voices down. Voices down.
- They publish that data.

Nor can we report ward-wide
cleanings. They publish that data too.

If there were two cases
in the vent suite...

Let me say, you disrespect my initiatives.

Never did.

Making Donald Duck sounds?

Intentionally humiliating
me behind my back.

It was not intentional humiliation.

Undermining my authority
with my nursing staff.

Have we lost our ability
to engage in free speech?

And to roll with the
punches? It was a joke.

You're the one undermining my authority.

I'm in charge of cleans.
And for your information,

I have been dealing with pressing issues
all day long is what I've been doing.

There are patterns of
inappropriate sexual relationships

on this ward, nurse, that
have to be sorted out.

And I wonder if that's of interest to you.

Because it certainly should be.

Dr. James, I'm just trying to do my job.

As am I.

Which is why I have been

laboriously collecting
stool for the past 17 months.

"The James Stool Chart:

Fecal Incontinence and Bowel Discharge,

a Practitioner's Guide to Diagnosis"

has been selected by
the Cleveland conference

and could forever change the way
we think about fecal discharge.

So I am going to that conference,

yes, I am, and that is the end of that.

Do you mind?

Thank you.

"The staff anticipates my needs

and consistently strives to meet them."

Did Leonard leave?

What's this?

Darnell dropped it off for you.

He did?

All right, team, I'm off.

A light, targeted clean, please.

I'll see you next week when
I'm back from Cleveland.

Maybe I should put a big blow-up doll
of myself in my chair while I'm gone.

Everyone can come in and just pork it.

Because believe me, girls, that's
what they're trying to do to me.

Pork me purple.

- What?
- Nothing. That's just my face.

Um, don't forget your raffle-ticket money

on Monday, Dawn. $300, yes?

- It's for a good cause.
- No problem.

- Wish me luck.
- Good luck.

So you have a husband

who just shows up and brings you candy?

Yep.

It's been rough lately.

We are, as of today, officially
taking in my sister's kids.

Oh, Dee, I'm sorry. I had no idea.

My mom's a mess. She can't take them,

so somebody's got to step up

because my sister... whoo-wee.

I'm an only child.

Hello, girls.

We are going on a hayride.

Hello, Margaret.

Hello, Sandra, Neda.

We are blowing this joint
and we are going up to six.

You...

My workout.

Here we are, Didi.

- Oh, sorry.
- Hold on one second. Let me back this up.

Here, I'll help you.

Don't tip... don't crash in the crash cart.

Here we go.