Getting On (2013–2015): Season 1, Episode 2 - If You're Going to San Francisco - full transcript
God, that poor woman.
She gets shit-canned over at the hospital
for having a meltdown on the floor
and gets sent
over here permanently,
and we're all supposed to pretend
like nothing happened.
You can't make this stuff up.
Hello, it's Dr. James.
Well, I parked where I parked
for the past seven years...
In my assigned space.
Yes, but rehab is
a part of the hospital.
Yes, technically,
but it is still also...
It's a part
of the medical campus.
And I have a job to do too,
and mine is infinitely
more important than yours.
Parking control Nazis.
They hassle you about
your parking permit?
I don't have a car.
How do you not have
a car in Los Angeles?
- How do you get to work?
- I take the Blue Line.
How do you get
to a Blue Line?
My husband gives me a ride
on his way to work.
Well, none of us
should have a car, really.
Reduce our carbon footprint.
Oh, I couldn't live without my Audi.
We put in a solar-assist water heater,
though, and that's really efficient.
Excuse me.
We'll start in
the open quad, bed one.
Our mystery patient.
We found out she's Cambodian.
Name - Champey Huoy.
Champey, Champey Huoy.
How are you?
It turns out,
she's a diagnosed wanderer.
Apparently, her son had
just moved down to San Diego
and she set out
on foot to find him.
It's like those poor pets that
walk from Denver to Atlanta.
Didi, you spoke to,
you know, the son?
Yeah, he's driving up
today to get her.
I need you to sign
the discharge papers.
Yes, yes. Great.
Wonderful. Can do.
Well done, Champey.
Didi, can you
get her ready to go?
We're gonna need this bed. We have a
head injury coming over for observation.
- Donna Hewler.
- Shh shh.
Donna, you know where you are?
What day is it?
She had a very good night.
Didn't you, Donna?
- What she say?
- Uh, "Did you feed the cat?"
- I don't have a cat.
- No, her cat.
Well, obviously.
You are in the Billy Barnes Extended
Care Unit at the Mount Palms Hospital.
We removed a...
tarantula-sized
tumor that was stuck
to your ribs
and your bowels shut down
with possible ileus.
We need to get your bowels working.
Had any gas?
Any toots?
What'd she say?
"The dog's the thing."
We are raining cats and dogs
in here, today, aren't we?
We're
having a deluge of pets.
Let's get a CT scan with contrast,
rule out the perforation.
If all goes well, we'll start
her on a clear-liquid diet.
Your tummy needs to wake up.
I really have a thing for Donna.
I think she is so pretty.
Yeah, she's sweet.
You need more focus when
you do your med rounds.
The pharmacy said your
count was off Thursday.
Hey, has Patsy De La Serda
scheduled a meeting with you yet?
- No, who's that?
- Oh, she's our new supervising nurse.
She sent me an email.
Gonna meet with her at 1:00.
The email had this great
no-BS vibe.
'Cause that's what we need,
a strong supervising nurse
who can stand up
to all these doctors.
- Yeah.
- I know it.
- It's not that hard, Varla. It's not hard.
- You don't even know where you're going.
- Hi, Dawn.
- Antoine...
Yeah, I give
you Varla Pounder.
Oh, this must be
our head injury.
- Yeah.
- Where is the, um...
- Where's the rest of the file?
- Meg said she sent it over.
- Okay, thank you.
- Yeah, good luck.
- Hmm. Hello, Varla.
- Is that coon gone?
You know what? I'm gonna
go ahead and pretend
you did not just say
what I think you said.
We do not use that kind of
language around here, okay?
All right.
- I wanna go home.
- Well, you can't go home.
You had a series of small strokes,
then you had a bad fall.
You need to stay with us
for observation.
I'm definitely not having
my blood pressure taken.
It was taken 600 times in that
other building, so forget about it.
You think you've got the upper hand
because you heard me say a bad word.
Well, you don't!
I'm not getting into that bed.
What you're saying is you want me
to help you get into bed. I can do that.
I don't want you anywhere
near me, you fat dyke.
- Whoa!
- You take your hands off me!
Wait a minute. We need to set
some ground rules, me and you.
I could stand to lose a few,
but I'm not a dyke.
- We good on that?
- I'm gonna get into bed by myself.
- Good.
- I'm not staying long,
so you can just
forget that, too.
Oh, I am so sorry to hear that.
I'll be sad to see you go.
How about a fresh gown?
Bet you have
a lot of work to do.
Yeah. They like to keep us
fat coon dykes really busy.
These broads all look
like they're half dead.
I wouldn't want
to be around these zombies.
Well, I don't really think
you're cut out for this kind of work.
No.
Give me your arm.
Varla!
I'm just gonna wait
till you're ready.
Fine.
If it gets me out of here,
put the fucking thing on.
Oh, honey.
You gonna be okay.
Oh, God save me.
I've been so sick.
You gonna be okay,
all right.
Okay.
Here we go.
Right here. Okay?
- May I help you?
- Hi. Patsy De La Serda.
Oh, no. It's not me.
I don't think she's here yet.
No, I'm Patsy...
De La Serda.
- Sorry. Yikes, hello.
- Hi.
- Do you recognize this patient?
- Uh, yes. This is Champey Huoy.
I found her in the chapel wandering...
Like this. Nurse...?
Forchette, Dawn.
Um, yes, she's being
discharged today.
Why isn't she dressed?
Didi, this is
Patsy De La Serda.
He would like to know why
Champey Huoy isn't dressed.
She doesn't have
any clothes.
She was admitted
in a torn-up nightgown.
A patient was left
unattended.
I found her wandering about
with her buttocks exposed,
an I.V. port in her hand.
I sat her down for just one minute.
I had to do med rounds.
I had to get Varla into bed, then
you told me to check on your patient.
- Okay, well, there's...
- Then Varla threw up on me, so...
Well, there's always an excuse
for not doing something,
but then that results in
something not getting done.
Right?
Absolutely.
I think we need to
place her back in her bed.
Oh, unfortunately, yeah, her bed has
been given away.
Is that so?
Really?
- It is.
- Didi Ortley.
Hospice is working
with a couple of imminents,
but there's no guarantee that
they're just gonna... you know? So...
By all means, just set her free to wander
about with her buttocks exposed.
- No, that's not appropriate.
- Okay, bye-bye.
And just... can I give you
some feedback on those boots?
Um, these boots?
Yeah, when I saw them, the first
thing I thought was "pole dancer."
- Mmm?
- No, like a Hooters kind of thing.
Well, I'm sorry.
Well, it's all right. I just
think we need to fix that.
Need to get that
straightened out.
- Okay.
- That's all. Thank you.
I'm going to my office.
Don't listen to him.
Don't worry about nothing he said.
Those boots are cute.
He's an idiot.
Shh! Quiet!
Donna, I need you
to breathe for me.
You gotta try, okay?
There's my girl.
Where'd you go?
Okay, is she all ready
and packed for heaven?
Oh, gosh. It turns out
we're not gonna need you after all.
Ms. Gelfman rallied.
We've just been sitting
here talking about pizza.
Oh, no no no.
That's great.
Guess I'm a little
premature, huh?
Well, I don't know
if I'd put it that way.
Oh, it's the story
of my life.
- Well, it's not exactly a turn-on.
- Don't.
You gonna get in trouble, girl, again,
and you're gonna get me in trouble.
Hey. Why don't
you take me instead?
Put me in here and wheel me
right out of this hellhole!
- Dawn, this is your patient.
- Let's get you back to bed, Varla.
You cannot just go wandering
the halls like this.
- Where can I have a cigarette?
- There's no smoking here.
You don't have
a smoking room?!
God, Varla, no. What century
do you think we are living in?
- Didi!
- Well, where can I have a smoke?
In case you haven't heard,
they think smoking might cause cancer.
Oh, don't get smart with me.
I'll knock you right into next week.
You know what? I will not
have you talk to me that way.
- Now there is no smoking anywhere.
- What's going on?
Well, I'm just gonna go outside
and have a cigarette.
You can't go outside and have
a cigarette. Do I have to get a doctor?
I don't give a fuck
about doctors.
Didi, can you please
just take her back?
It's just that I have
23 other patients back there.
I need a cigarette!
- Varla...
- I'm hooked. I'm an addict.
And if I don't get a cigarette
when I need one...
- I understand. I know how you feel.
- ...then my hands shake
- ...and I get a headache.
- I know, it's rough.
- Did you ever smoke?
- As a matter of fact, I did.
I smoked for 16 years,
I'll have you know.
Oh, aren't
we so superior?
Well, I'm going out
for a cigarette.
I can do whatever
the fuck I want to do
- ...with my own fucking body.
- Okay, okay.
How about... how about I just
take her out for a cigarette?
- At this point I don't...
- I need a cigarette!
Go on, have a cigarette.
Here, have them all.
I really, really need
a fucking cigarette!
I'ma take you out.
Well, that's awful
neat of you.
You're not half as bad
as I thought you were.
- I bet you were a smoker too, right?
- Sometimes.
Then you know all about those
headaches and what... what happens...
Oh, wait! Oh shoot!
Dawn!
Knew this was gonna happen.
Hang on to her.
- Please do not...
- Hurry up!
I just got dizzy
is all.
I think everybody knows.
God, everybody looks at me.
All right, Rich,
I don't know who knows,
but I have no recourse.
They took the side
of all those nurses.
Dr. James.
- Dr. James, right?
- Yeah.
- Mm-hmm.
- Patsy De La Serda.
I'm the new
supervising nurse.
- Nurse. Welcome aboard. Hello.
- It's so good to meet you.
I'm not good with names.
Oh, you know... I...
No problem.
I left the house
this morning and I thought,
"Oh God, wish me luck."
But I just wanted to say...
I love what I do,
and people tell me
I am a very good learner.
Well, you have awful big shoes to fill,
because everybody loved Beverly.
Um, the nurses are
a terrific gang of gals.
Well, I mean, it's both
our first days, I understand,
so, I mean, we both have
so much to get on top of.
Well, having been Director of Geriatrics
over at the hospital for years,
I am all ready to go.
Ready to go, too.
Great.
Varla.
No no no no no. Didi.
Varla, where are you going?
Stop! Varla! Varla, where
do you think you are going?
You are not well.
You have had strokes
and a head injury, Varla.
- Varla, please.
- Okay.
- Get back. Please don't touch her.
- Okay, come...
- Do not touch her.
- I'm going to the cafeteria
- ...to have some lunch.
- Okay. Come on.
Do not touch her,
please, just for second.
- You have already had lunch.
- That's a fucking lie.
What did she eat?
She did not eat?
No. This shit hole
is worse than a prison.
We are not starving you.
I'm gonna make a call about your food.
You know, half the old whores in here
weren't even born in this country.
I was born in Bakersfield.
Where's my fucking food?
- I'm gonna make a call!
- You need to just stop.
- Okay?
- I'm gonna make a call, okay?
- You come here right now.
- You cannot touch her.
- What?
- You understand?
If you touch her and it leaves a bruise,
that is grounds for assault.
It can constitute elder abuse.
That's instant firing,
even criminal charges.
Okay, what am I
supposed to do?
You understand? Now, if I see it,
I have to report it.
Medi-Cal's very
specific about this.
Patients have tons of rights.
- Fuck you.
- Fine. Fine.
Uh, come in.
Uh, I really appreciate
you stopping by.
Part of my mandate
is implementing a whole
new direction for this ward,
a new customer-centric
service model
with data-driven metrics
to assess progress,
so I was a bit disheartened
to arrive and see
such fundamental chaos.
Is that an apology?
Um, no.
If I could just say
that I...
I have worked here
for 13 years,
I have received three
meritorious nursing awards
and I have
never had a final
adjudication go against me.
Um, so you know,
I just think people know
that I know what I'm doing.
Thank you.
Duly noted.
I just... I went over your file,
your latest evaluation.
Evalu...
Okay, I thought that
this was just a...
It's just your whole
self-evaluation form is...
No, there is...
there are some
questions on the form
I didn't... fill in.
But if you'd like,
we can go over that now.
- We can just verbally discuss it.
- Well, no, we can't, really,
because your whole
self-criticism page is blank.
- There's nothing really...
- No, I didn't actually write anything...
Like, with a pen.
I didn't.
Part of my job
is to help you
overcome any barriers or walls you
may be putting in your own way,
you know, and diffusing
difficult situations.
I'm a very good diffuser, but
unless I have the information,
there's not really
anything I can do.
What happened was, um,
I had a really bad year.
- Okay.
- I was married about a year ago.
And my husband was...
Well, I only knew him for like
two weeks before we got married.
And about a few months later,
he gave me this agreement to sign,
and it was
a $25,000 loan.
So then he...
we bought a Mercedes,
and then
he drove off with it.
He said that he was just
going to the dry cleaners,
but then he just
drove off with it.
Okay, Dawn.
You know...
And he took my dog,
Marbles, with him too.
If you could, maybe,
just stick to the appraisal.
The thing was, you know,
that happened...
it was...
it was my signature.
That's how they
could garnish my paycheck.
- Dawn.
- And then...
- Just breathe, Dawn. Okay?
- Dawn, it's okay.
There you go.
One day at a time, right?
Okay?
There you go.
- I'm sorry.
- It's okay.
We're fine.
It happens.
I'm okay now.
- Good.
- Thanks.
Good.
You know what? I can...
Fill out that form if you'd like.
- Sure, I mean, you know, it'd be helpful.
- Or we could, um...
Talk later and, you know,
kind of work on it.
Go to Ciro's together and...
What's Ciro's?
It's that new wine bar
by the aquarium.
I'm sorry. I am so sorry.
I'm just such a horrible p...
I'm a mess!
I'm a real mess!
- Varla...
- Oh, I'm sorry.
Varla, it's okay.
It's okay, all right?
Now, you'll probably
be a lot more comfortable
if we could just
get you out of this.
- No, I don't want to.
- Varla...
- I'm not gonna put that other thing on.
- It's still got puke on it.
- Didi.
- I don't care.
Varla, I want to
introduce you to someone.
This is
Patsy De La Serda.
He's our new supervising nurse and
he'd like to have a word with you.
Obviously there's a situation
here that we need to diffuse.
- Patsy?
- That's right. It's short for Patrizio.
And you're Varla, right?
May I call you Varla?
Yes.
I got a bad
feeling about this.
Not helpful.
Okay, Varla,
it's my job to make sure
that everything runs
smoothly around here,
so I think we might start by getting you
out of your vest and into a clean gown.
Nurse, have you
explained to Varla
why it's necessary
for her to change her gown?
Well, she's got puke on that one.
I thought it was obvious.
- So you're a nurse, huh?
- Well, Patsy is our supervising nurse.
- Except he's a man.
- That's right, ma'am, I am.
- And thank you for noticing.
- Well, I'm just saying.
Well, it's not usual, Varla,
for a man to be a nurse.
He's a big homo, right?
Don't look at me.
She called me a fat coon dyke.
Okay, ma'am.
You need to relax!
Okay? Even at our darkest hour,
we can take a deep breathe
and start all over again.
So let's just sit down, take
a deep breathe, and relax.
Now, what I want to say is... and
I want you to listen to me, Varla...
Don't go through life,
Varla, grow through life.
Now, oftentimes what we see depends
mainly on what we're looking for,
which is to say that
people often get upset
when they see things that don't match
the stereotypes in their heads.
What the fuck are
you talking about?
- I don't understand.
- This man is a nurse, Varla.
- He's a fucking fairy!
- Okay, stop talking like that.
Cocksucker! He's a truly
nasty cocksucker.
Okay, we need
to reset here.
- Ma'am, I...
- Anal sex!
- No! My God!
- Oh, oh!
- I am trying to help you.
- Do you use bleach in your hole?
- God, ma'am...
- Do you bleach it to keep it fresh?
Oh my God, ma'am, I am trying
to deal with you here in a...
You get away from me,
you fat fairy.
- Fuck off, Varla!
- Dawn!
- Time out.
- He's turning red.
- Big time out.
- It's okay.
- It's okay. I will take over.
- Big time out.
He looks like he's about
to have a heart attack.
You ever notice how it always
winds up just you and me?
- No, I've asked for this twice already.
- Twice, yeah.
And she's an extremely
difficult patient.
Meg said she was gonna
send the file down hours ago
and I don't even have
a medication list.
I need the complete file, okay?
Not just bits and pieces.
Okay? She's
bouncing off of the walls. Please.
- Dawn.
- Dr. James. I need a big favor.
We have a new patient
who is just bonkers,
and I'm wondering if you
could write a prescription?
Whose patient is it?
Well, it's Dr. Stickley's,
but, um...
- Her charting is incomplete.
- No no no no.
I'm not sedating a patient without
knowing what she's already on.
Dawn, how can you possibly ask
me to do something like that?
But I can't even get them
to send the records down,
- ...you know, and she's a total psycho.
- If Paul Stickley
is the referring physician,
you get his permission,
you get his nurse
and the forms over...
it's like a nurse thing.
I've called his nurse
like three times.
Dawn, listen.
My hands are tied.
Now listen to me.
I've just come from the lab.
The lab is telling me
that they have misplaced
my stool samples
from the first.
They have misplaced
my samples from the sixth.
Did you collect the samples?
- Yes. Yes, I did.
- From the first?
- And from the sixth?
- Yes.
Because the lab is saying they can't
account for either of those days.
Well, I sent them.
I'm sure I sent them.
You think that you sent them
or you did send them?
- I think I'm sure I sent them.
- You're sure you sent them?
- I think so.
- Or you think that you sent them?
I am absolutely positive
I think I sent them.
I want a straight answer.
You know, if your stools are missing,
why don't you just get more?
There's an endless
amount of stool.
Uh, I have a deadline.
I have the "New England
Journal of Medicine"
possibly interested
in my fecal study.
Have you ever even heard of the
"New England Journal of Medicine"?
No, I doubt it. Do you have any
idea how prestigious this is?
How crucial it would... be?
The level, the playing field...
All right, Varla.
If you don't stay quiet
and calm down,
I am sending you over
to psychiatric on a 5150.
Because you are
behaving like a complete lunatic!
Who's the lunatic?
You're the one screaming
like a fucking wackjob.
Fuck off, you nut case!
Bye.
Thank you. Bye.
- Bye-bye.
- Bye.
♪ Oh, if you're going
to San Francisco ♪
♪ Be sure to wear
♪ Some flowers
in your hair... ♪
♪ To San Francisco
♪ You'll meet some
gentle people there. ♪
Well, I'd like to know why
I was transferred over here.
No, papito lindo,
I'm not having a good day.
As a matter of fact,
I'm having a shitty day.
My Director of Medicine runs around
like a white fucking rabbit.
I mean, it's been terrible.
I'm thinking about what...
I got to go.
Varla, excuse me. Where do
you think you're going?
Ba-ba-ba-ba-bup!
Varla! Dawn.
Fat faggot!
- I'm gonna need you...
- Look out!
- She's got a can!
- I'm going home!
- You give me that can, Varla.
- Back off, fat boy!
- Varla, give me that can.
- You want some of this, huh?
I'm gonna
count to three.
One, two... ah!
Didi! Didi!
- Drop it.
- I'll do it again!
- Got her.
- Oh, she broke my nose!
I didn't break your nose!
Fat fairy!
- Ow ow ow!
- She's on my foot! She's on my foot!
Ahh! Someone call security!
Come on, you two.
Come on with this!
- Varla!
- Whoo!
- Varla.
- Didi, is she down?
- Close the door. Close the door.
- Okay. Okay.
She's coming to get you.
She's coming!
- Close the door!
- Oh, no. No! No!
It's all right, Birdy,
everything's under control.
You doing all right
in there?
I don't particularly
want to talk about it.
Okay?
But in answer to your question,
no, I'm not. I'm not doing all right.
Well, don't beat
yourself up over it.
I was just hoping
for a better outcome,
a better resolution
is all.
I think you did
just fine...
...For a big, fat fairy.
Great. Varla's bipolar I.
Here's her meds sheet,
finally,
listing all of the mood stabilizers
we haven't been giving her.
- Varla's a manic-depressive.
- Oh, good to know.
Um, I am heading out, but
I just got a call from the lab.
The samples turned up
in Hematology...
- If you can believe that. So...
- So I didn't lose them.
Well, no, anyway.
Dawn, Didi, uh,
to the both of you,
I just wanted to say that I'm sorry
if I have not been myself...
With either one of you.
Um, there has been
some stress and some pressure.
So that's...
I just wanted to say,
in case I had inadvertently
hurt either one of you...
I know that you know...
Well, obviously you know that I'm going
to be over here for a while now,
which makes us
all on the same team.
And there's nothing wrong
with being over here.
It's noble work.
It is useful.
You are angels of mercy.
I just never thought
that I would wind up here.
But I will be a good
Director of Medicine.
You can rely on me.
And I will calm down now
that Richard is finally back.
- Hello, Jenna.
- Oh, Paul.
Oh, hello.
Nice to see you.
End of an exhausting shift,
you still look amazing.
- Oh, stop. Stop it.
- How do you do that?
Uh, your patient, Ms. Pounder,
is back in our open quad.
Your nurse did not
send over her med list,
so she has been
unmedicated all day.
We are all so overworked.
Well, next time, nurse, don't be
afraid to hold our feet to the fire.
Snafus do happen.
We're only human.
You know what? You're gonna
weather this tempest just fine.
Well, if they're finally ready
to clean up the mess around here,
I couldn't say no.
I'm happy to throw myself
into the breach.
I was just trying to inspire
my team here with a little pep talk.
You know, nobody wants you
to be embarrassed or think
of this as a demotion.
Dr. Stickley, can we just take
a look at Varla? I'll show you to the...
- Yeah, sure.
- I can take Paul.
- Thank you, nurse.
- I need to do that.
- Paul, it's just right over here.
- Okay.
So as soon as I am squared
away, we need to have lunch.
Absolutely. Love to.
I googled Donna.
There's a bit on her from
her nursing home newsletter.
She was in a big-deal Hollywood
movie, "White Christmas."
No kidding.
Who'd she play?
- "Singer in a gift box."
- Huh.
What else did she do?
Mmm, that's pretty much it.
But look how pretty she was.
Someone's getting
a piece of my mind.
They booted my Audi,
actually booted me.
I have to wait for Richard
to come pick me up.
What is that?
It's Donna. She was in the
movie "White Christmas."
She says, "It was the thrill of
a lifetime getting to meet Danny Kaye."
Well, that's sweet.
That's nice.
That's a nice little
sweet spot in her life.
Oh my God, who is it?
- You want me to go?
- I got it.
Richard is your, um...
that's your husband?
Yes, yes.
He is my caveman,
my knuckle-dragger.
16 years, one daughter.
You and your... husband
have children?
Two.
Carmen is a sophomore
at Long Beach State
and Andre should
be a junior,
but, you know,
he had some problems, so...
Renee plays piano.
It's Donna.
Donna's arresting.
- Shit!
- Call Code Blue!
Get the crash cart.
She gets shit-canned over at the hospital
for having a meltdown on the floor
and gets sent
over here permanently,
and we're all supposed to pretend
like nothing happened.
You can't make this stuff up.
Hello, it's Dr. James.
Well, I parked where I parked
for the past seven years...
In my assigned space.
Yes, but rehab is
a part of the hospital.
Yes, technically,
but it is still also...
It's a part
of the medical campus.
And I have a job to do too,
and mine is infinitely
more important than yours.
Parking control Nazis.
They hassle you about
your parking permit?
I don't have a car.
How do you not have
a car in Los Angeles?
- How do you get to work?
- I take the Blue Line.
How do you get
to a Blue Line?
My husband gives me a ride
on his way to work.
Well, none of us
should have a car, really.
Reduce our carbon footprint.
Oh, I couldn't live without my Audi.
We put in a solar-assist water heater,
though, and that's really efficient.
Excuse me.
We'll start in
the open quad, bed one.
Our mystery patient.
We found out she's Cambodian.
Name - Champey Huoy.
Champey, Champey Huoy.
How are you?
It turns out,
she's a diagnosed wanderer.
Apparently, her son had
just moved down to San Diego
and she set out
on foot to find him.
It's like those poor pets that
walk from Denver to Atlanta.
Didi, you spoke to,
you know, the son?
Yeah, he's driving up
today to get her.
I need you to sign
the discharge papers.
Yes, yes. Great.
Wonderful. Can do.
Well done, Champey.
Didi, can you
get her ready to go?
We're gonna need this bed. We have a
head injury coming over for observation.
- Donna Hewler.
- Shh shh.
Donna, you know where you are?
What day is it?
She had a very good night.
Didn't you, Donna?
- What she say?
- Uh, "Did you feed the cat?"
- I don't have a cat.
- No, her cat.
Well, obviously.
You are in the Billy Barnes Extended
Care Unit at the Mount Palms Hospital.
We removed a...
tarantula-sized
tumor that was stuck
to your ribs
and your bowels shut down
with possible ileus.
We need to get your bowels working.
Had any gas?
Any toots?
What'd she say?
"The dog's the thing."
We are raining cats and dogs
in here, today, aren't we?
We're
having a deluge of pets.
Let's get a CT scan with contrast,
rule out the perforation.
If all goes well, we'll start
her on a clear-liquid diet.
Your tummy needs to wake up.
I really have a thing for Donna.
I think she is so pretty.
Yeah, she's sweet.
You need more focus when
you do your med rounds.
The pharmacy said your
count was off Thursday.
Hey, has Patsy De La Serda
scheduled a meeting with you yet?
- No, who's that?
- Oh, she's our new supervising nurse.
She sent me an email.
Gonna meet with her at 1:00.
The email had this great
no-BS vibe.
'Cause that's what we need,
a strong supervising nurse
who can stand up
to all these doctors.
- Yeah.
- I know it.
- It's not that hard, Varla. It's not hard.
- You don't even know where you're going.
- Hi, Dawn.
- Antoine...
Yeah, I give
you Varla Pounder.
Oh, this must be
our head injury.
- Yeah.
- Where is the, um...
- Where's the rest of the file?
- Meg said she sent it over.
- Okay, thank you.
- Yeah, good luck.
- Hmm. Hello, Varla.
- Is that coon gone?
You know what? I'm gonna
go ahead and pretend
you did not just say
what I think you said.
We do not use that kind of
language around here, okay?
All right.
- I wanna go home.
- Well, you can't go home.
You had a series of small strokes,
then you had a bad fall.
You need to stay with us
for observation.
I'm definitely not having
my blood pressure taken.
It was taken 600 times in that
other building, so forget about it.
You think you've got the upper hand
because you heard me say a bad word.
Well, you don't!
I'm not getting into that bed.
What you're saying is you want me
to help you get into bed. I can do that.
I don't want you anywhere
near me, you fat dyke.
- Whoa!
- You take your hands off me!
Wait a minute. We need to set
some ground rules, me and you.
I could stand to lose a few,
but I'm not a dyke.
- We good on that?
- I'm gonna get into bed by myself.
- Good.
- I'm not staying long,
so you can just
forget that, too.
Oh, I am so sorry to hear that.
I'll be sad to see you go.
How about a fresh gown?
Bet you have
a lot of work to do.
Yeah. They like to keep us
fat coon dykes really busy.
These broads all look
like they're half dead.
I wouldn't want
to be around these zombies.
Well, I don't really think
you're cut out for this kind of work.
No.
Give me your arm.
Varla!
I'm just gonna wait
till you're ready.
Fine.
If it gets me out of here,
put the fucking thing on.
Oh, honey.
You gonna be okay.
Oh, God save me.
I've been so sick.
You gonna be okay,
all right.
Okay.
Here we go.
Right here. Okay?
- May I help you?
- Hi. Patsy De La Serda.
Oh, no. It's not me.
I don't think she's here yet.
No, I'm Patsy...
De La Serda.
- Sorry. Yikes, hello.
- Hi.
- Do you recognize this patient?
- Uh, yes. This is Champey Huoy.
I found her in the chapel wandering...
Like this. Nurse...?
Forchette, Dawn.
Um, yes, she's being
discharged today.
Why isn't she dressed?
Didi, this is
Patsy De La Serda.
He would like to know why
Champey Huoy isn't dressed.
She doesn't have
any clothes.
She was admitted
in a torn-up nightgown.
A patient was left
unattended.
I found her wandering about
with her buttocks exposed,
an I.V. port in her hand.
I sat her down for just one minute.
I had to do med rounds.
I had to get Varla into bed, then
you told me to check on your patient.
- Okay, well, there's...
- Then Varla threw up on me, so...
Well, there's always an excuse
for not doing something,
but then that results in
something not getting done.
Right?
Absolutely.
I think we need to
place her back in her bed.
Oh, unfortunately, yeah, her bed has
been given away.
Is that so?
Really?
- It is.
- Didi Ortley.
Hospice is working
with a couple of imminents,
but there's no guarantee that
they're just gonna... you know? So...
By all means, just set her free to wander
about with her buttocks exposed.
- No, that's not appropriate.
- Okay, bye-bye.
And just... can I give you
some feedback on those boots?
Um, these boots?
Yeah, when I saw them, the first
thing I thought was "pole dancer."
- Mmm?
- No, like a Hooters kind of thing.
Well, I'm sorry.
Well, it's all right. I just
think we need to fix that.
Need to get that
straightened out.
- Okay.
- That's all. Thank you.
I'm going to my office.
Don't listen to him.
Don't worry about nothing he said.
Those boots are cute.
He's an idiot.
Shh! Quiet!
Donna, I need you
to breathe for me.
You gotta try, okay?
There's my girl.
Where'd you go?
Okay, is she all ready
and packed for heaven?
Oh, gosh. It turns out
we're not gonna need you after all.
Ms. Gelfman rallied.
We've just been sitting
here talking about pizza.
Oh, no no no.
That's great.
Guess I'm a little
premature, huh?
Well, I don't know
if I'd put it that way.
Oh, it's the story
of my life.
- Well, it's not exactly a turn-on.
- Don't.
You gonna get in trouble, girl, again,
and you're gonna get me in trouble.
Hey. Why don't
you take me instead?
Put me in here and wheel me
right out of this hellhole!
- Dawn, this is your patient.
- Let's get you back to bed, Varla.
You cannot just go wandering
the halls like this.
- Where can I have a cigarette?
- There's no smoking here.
You don't have
a smoking room?!
God, Varla, no. What century
do you think we are living in?
- Didi!
- Well, where can I have a smoke?
In case you haven't heard,
they think smoking might cause cancer.
Oh, don't get smart with me.
I'll knock you right into next week.
You know what? I will not
have you talk to me that way.
- Now there is no smoking anywhere.
- What's going on?
Well, I'm just gonna go outside
and have a cigarette.
You can't go outside and have
a cigarette. Do I have to get a doctor?
I don't give a fuck
about doctors.
Didi, can you please
just take her back?
It's just that I have
23 other patients back there.
I need a cigarette!
- Varla...
- I'm hooked. I'm an addict.
And if I don't get a cigarette
when I need one...
- I understand. I know how you feel.
- ...then my hands shake
- ...and I get a headache.
- I know, it's rough.
- Did you ever smoke?
- As a matter of fact, I did.
I smoked for 16 years,
I'll have you know.
Oh, aren't
we so superior?
Well, I'm going out
for a cigarette.
I can do whatever
the fuck I want to do
- ...with my own fucking body.
- Okay, okay.
How about... how about I just
take her out for a cigarette?
- At this point I don't...
- I need a cigarette!
Go on, have a cigarette.
Here, have them all.
I really, really need
a fucking cigarette!
I'ma take you out.
Well, that's awful
neat of you.
You're not half as bad
as I thought you were.
- I bet you were a smoker too, right?
- Sometimes.
Then you know all about those
headaches and what... what happens...
Oh, wait! Oh shoot!
Dawn!
Knew this was gonna happen.
Hang on to her.
- Please do not...
- Hurry up!
I just got dizzy
is all.
I think everybody knows.
God, everybody looks at me.
All right, Rich,
I don't know who knows,
but I have no recourse.
They took the side
of all those nurses.
Dr. James.
- Dr. James, right?
- Yeah.
- Mm-hmm.
- Patsy De La Serda.
I'm the new
supervising nurse.
- Nurse. Welcome aboard. Hello.
- It's so good to meet you.
I'm not good with names.
Oh, you know... I...
No problem.
I left the house
this morning and I thought,
"Oh God, wish me luck."
But I just wanted to say...
I love what I do,
and people tell me
I am a very good learner.
Well, you have awful big shoes to fill,
because everybody loved Beverly.
Um, the nurses are
a terrific gang of gals.
Well, I mean, it's both
our first days, I understand,
so, I mean, we both have
so much to get on top of.
Well, having been Director of Geriatrics
over at the hospital for years,
I am all ready to go.
Ready to go, too.
Great.
Varla.
No no no no no. Didi.
Varla, where are you going?
Stop! Varla! Varla, where
do you think you are going?
You are not well.
You have had strokes
and a head injury, Varla.
- Varla, please.
- Okay.
- Get back. Please don't touch her.
- Okay, come...
- Do not touch her.
- I'm going to the cafeteria
- ...to have some lunch.
- Okay. Come on.
Do not touch her,
please, just for second.
- You have already had lunch.
- That's a fucking lie.
What did she eat?
She did not eat?
No. This shit hole
is worse than a prison.
We are not starving you.
I'm gonna make a call about your food.
You know, half the old whores in here
weren't even born in this country.
I was born in Bakersfield.
Where's my fucking food?
- I'm gonna make a call!
- You need to just stop.
- Okay?
- I'm gonna make a call, okay?
- You come here right now.
- You cannot touch her.
- What?
- You understand?
If you touch her and it leaves a bruise,
that is grounds for assault.
It can constitute elder abuse.
That's instant firing,
even criminal charges.
Okay, what am I
supposed to do?
You understand? Now, if I see it,
I have to report it.
Medi-Cal's very
specific about this.
Patients have tons of rights.
- Fuck you.
- Fine. Fine.
Uh, come in.
Uh, I really appreciate
you stopping by.
Part of my mandate
is implementing a whole
new direction for this ward,
a new customer-centric
service model
with data-driven metrics
to assess progress,
so I was a bit disheartened
to arrive and see
such fundamental chaos.
Is that an apology?
Um, no.
If I could just say
that I...
I have worked here
for 13 years,
I have received three
meritorious nursing awards
and I have
never had a final
adjudication go against me.
Um, so you know,
I just think people know
that I know what I'm doing.
Thank you.
Duly noted.
I just... I went over your file,
your latest evaluation.
Evalu...
Okay, I thought that
this was just a...
It's just your whole
self-evaluation form is...
No, there is...
there are some
questions on the form
I didn't... fill in.
But if you'd like,
we can go over that now.
- We can just verbally discuss it.
- Well, no, we can't, really,
because your whole
self-criticism page is blank.
- There's nothing really...
- No, I didn't actually write anything...
Like, with a pen.
I didn't.
Part of my job
is to help you
overcome any barriers or walls you
may be putting in your own way,
you know, and diffusing
difficult situations.
I'm a very good diffuser, but
unless I have the information,
there's not really
anything I can do.
What happened was, um,
I had a really bad year.
- Okay.
- I was married about a year ago.
And my husband was...
Well, I only knew him for like
two weeks before we got married.
And about a few months later,
he gave me this agreement to sign,
and it was
a $25,000 loan.
So then he...
we bought a Mercedes,
and then
he drove off with it.
He said that he was just
going to the dry cleaners,
but then he just
drove off with it.
Okay, Dawn.
You know...
And he took my dog,
Marbles, with him too.
If you could, maybe,
just stick to the appraisal.
The thing was, you know,
that happened...
it was...
it was my signature.
That's how they
could garnish my paycheck.
- Dawn.
- And then...
- Just breathe, Dawn. Okay?
- Dawn, it's okay.
There you go.
One day at a time, right?
Okay?
There you go.
- I'm sorry.
- It's okay.
We're fine.
It happens.
I'm okay now.
- Good.
- Thanks.
Good.
You know what? I can...
Fill out that form if you'd like.
- Sure, I mean, you know, it'd be helpful.
- Or we could, um...
Talk later and, you know,
kind of work on it.
Go to Ciro's together and...
What's Ciro's?
It's that new wine bar
by the aquarium.
I'm sorry. I am so sorry.
I'm just such a horrible p...
I'm a mess!
I'm a real mess!
- Varla...
- Oh, I'm sorry.
Varla, it's okay.
It's okay, all right?
Now, you'll probably
be a lot more comfortable
if we could just
get you out of this.
- No, I don't want to.
- Varla...
- I'm not gonna put that other thing on.
- It's still got puke on it.
- Didi.
- I don't care.
Varla, I want to
introduce you to someone.
This is
Patsy De La Serda.
He's our new supervising nurse and
he'd like to have a word with you.
Obviously there's a situation
here that we need to diffuse.
- Patsy?
- That's right. It's short for Patrizio.
And you're Varla, right?
May I call you Varla?
Yes.
I got a bad
feeling about this.
Not helpful.
Okay, Varla,
it's my job to make sure
that everything runs
smoothly around here,
so I think we might start by getting you
out of your vest and into a clean gown.
Nurse, have you
explained to Varla
why it's necessary
for her to change her gown?
Well, she's got puke on that one.
I thought it was obvious.
- So you're a nurse, huh?
- Well, Patsy is our supervising nurse.
- Except he's a man.
- That's right, ma'am, I am.
- And thank you for noticing.
- Well, I'm just saying.
Well, it's not usual, Varla,
for a man to be a nurse.
He's a big homo, right?
Don't look at me.
She called me a fat coon dyke.
Okay, ma'am.
You need to relax!
Okay? Even at our darkest hour,
we can take a deep breathe
and start all over again.
So let's just sit down, take
a deep breathe, and relax.
Now, what I want to say is... and
I want you to listen to me, Varla...
Don't go through life,
Varla, grow through life.
Now, oftentimes what we see depends
mainly on what we're looking for,
which is to say that
people often get upset
when they see things that don't match
the stereotypes in their heads.
What the fuck are
you talking about?
- I don't understand.
- This man is a nurse, Varla.
- He's a fucking fairy!
- Okay, stop talking like that.
Cocksucker! He's a truly
nasty cocksucker.
Okay, we need
to reset here.
- Ma'am, I...
- Anal sex!
- No! My God!
- Oh, oh!
- I am trying to help you.
- Do you use bleach in your hole?
- God, ma'am...
- Do you bleach it to keep it fresh?
Oh my God, ma'am, I am trying
to deal with you here in a...
You get away from me,
you fat fairy.
- Fuck off, Varla!
- Dawn!
- Time out.
- He's turning red.
- Big time out.
- It's okay.
- It's okay. I will take over.
- Big time out.
He looks like he's about
to have a heart attack.
You ever notice how it always
winds up just you and me?
- No, I've asked for this twice already.
- Twice, yeah.
And she's an extremely
difficult patient.
Meg said she was gonna
send the file down hours ago
and I don't even have
a medication list.
I need the complete file, okay?
Not just bits and pieces.
Okay? She's
bouncing off of the walls. Please.
- Dawn.
- Dr. James. I need a big favor.
We have a new patient
who is just bonkers,
and I'm wondering if you
could write a prescription?
Whose patient is it?
Well, it's Dr. Stickley's,
but, um...
- Her charting is incomplete.
- No no no no.
I'm not sedating a patient without
knowing what she's already on.
Dawn, how can you possibly ask
me to do something like that?
But I can't even get them
to send the records down,
- ...you know, and she's a total psycho.
- If Paul Stickley
is the referring physician,
you get his permission,
you get his nurse
and the forms over...
it's like a nurse thing.
I've called his nurse
like three times.
Dawn, listen.
My hands are tied.
Now listen to me.
I've just come from the lab.
The lab is telling me
that they have misplaced
my stool samples
from the first.
They have misplaced
my samples from the sixth.
Did you collect the samples?
- Yes. Yes, I did.
- From the first?
- And from the sixth?
- Yes.
Because the lab is saying they can't
account for either of those days.
Well, I sent them.
I'm sure I sent them.
You think that you sent them
or you did send them?
- I think I'm sure I sent them.
- You're sure you sent them?
- I think so.
- Or you think that you sent them?
I am absolutely positive
I think I sent them.
I want a straight answer.
You know, if your stools are missing,
why don't you just get more?
There's an endless
amount of stool.
Uh, I have a deadline.
I have the "New England
Journal of Medicine"
possibly interested
in my fecal study.
Have you ever even heard of the
"New England Journal of Medicine"?
No, I doubt it. Do you have any
idea how prestigious this is?
How crucial it would... be?
The level, the playing field...
All right, Varla.
If you don't stay quiet
and calm down,
I am sending you over
to psychiatric on a 5150.
Because you are
behaving like a complete lunatic!
Who's the lunatic?
You're the one screaming
like a fucking wackjob.
Fuck off, you nut case!
Bye.
Thank you. Bye.
- Bye-bye.
- Bye.
♪ Oh, if you're going
to San Francisco ♪
♪ Be sure to wear
♪ Some flowers
in your hair... ♪
♪ To San Francisco
♪ You'll meet some
gentle people there. ♪
Well, I'd like to know why
I was transferred over here.
No, papito lindo,
I'm not having a good day.
As a matter of fact,
I'm having a shitty day.
My Director of Medicine runs around
like a white fucking rabbit.
I mean, it's been terrible.
I'm thinking about what...
I got to go.
Varla, excuse me. Where do
you think you're going?
Ba-ba-ba-ba-bup!
Varla! Dawn.
Fat faggot!
- I'm gonna need you...
- Look out!
- She's got a can!
- I'm going home!
- You give me that can, Varla.
- Back off, fat boy!
- Varla, give me that can.
- You want some of this, huh?
I'm gonna
count to three.
One, two... ah!
Didi! Didi!
- Drop it.
- I'll do it again!
- Got her.
- Oh, she broke my nose!
I didn't break your nose!
Fat fairy!
- Ow ow ow!
- She's on my foot! She's on my foot!
Ahh! Someone call security!
Come on, you two.
Come on with this!
- Varla!
- Whoo!
- Varla.
- Didi, is she down?
- Close the door. Close the door.
- Okay. Okay.
She's coming to get you.
She's coming!
- Close the door!
- Oh, no. No! No!
It's all right, Birdy,
everything's under control.
You doing all right
in there?
I don't particularly
want to talk about it.
Okay?
But in answer to your question,
no, I'm not. I'm not doing all right.
Well, don't beat
yourself up over it.
I was just hoping
for a better outcome,
a better resolution
is all.
I think you did
just fine...
...For a big, fat fairy.
Great. Varla's bipolar I.
Here's her meds sheet,
finally,
listing all of the mood stabilizers
we haven't been giving her.
- Varla's a manic-depressive.
- Oh, good to know.
Um, I am heading out, but
I just got a call from the lab.
The samples turned up
in Hematology...
- If you can believe that. So...
- So I didn't lose them.
Well, no, anyway.
Dawn, Didi, uh,
to the both of you,
I just wanted to say that I'm sorry
if I have not been myself...
With either one of you.
Um, there has been
some stress and some pressure.
So that's...
I just wanted to say,
in case I had inadvertently
hurt either one of you...
I know that you know...
Well, obviously you know that I'm going
to be over here for a while now,
which makes us
all on the same team.
And there's nothing wrong
with being over here.
It's noble work.
It is useful.
You are angels of mercy.
I just never thought
that I would wind up here.
But I will be a good
Director of Medicine.
You can rely on me.
And I will calm down now
that Richard is finally back.
- Hello, Jenna.
- Oh, Paul.
Oh, hello.
Nice to see you.
End of an exhausting shift,
you still look amazing.
- Oh, stop. Stop it.
- How do you do that?
Uh, your patient, Ms. Pounder,
is back in our open quad.
Your nurse did not
send over her med list,
so she has been
unmedicated all day.
We are all so overworked.
Well, next time, nurse, don't be
afraid to hold our feet to the fire.
Snafus do happen.
We're only human.
You know what? You're gonna
weather this tempest just fine.
Well, if they're finally ready
to clean up the mess around here,
I couldn't say no.
I'm happy to throw myself
into the breach.
I was just trying to inspire
my team here with a little pep talk.
You know, nobody wants you
to be embarrassed or think
of this as a demotion.
Dr. Stickley, can we just take
a look at Varla? I'll show you to the...
- Yeah, sure.
- I can take Paul.
- Thank you, nurse.
- I need to do that.
- Paul, it's just right over here.
- Okay.
So as soon as I am squared
away, we need to have lunch.
Absolutely. Love to.
I googled Donna.
There's a bit on her from
her nursing home newsletter.
She was in a big-deal Hollywood
movie, "White Christmas."
No kidding.
Who'd she play?
- "Singer in a gift box."
- Huh.
What else did she do?
Mmm, that's pretty much it.
But look how pretty she was.
Someone's getting
a piece of my mind.
They booted my Audi,
actually booted me.
I have to wait for Richard
to come pick me up.
What is that?
It's Donna. She was in the
movie "White Christmas."
She says, "It was the thrill of
a lifetime getting to meet Danny Kaye."
Well, that's sweet.
That's nice.
That's a nice little
sweet spot in her life.
Oh my God, who is it?
- You want me to go?
- I got it.
Richard is your, um...
that's your husband?
Yes, yes.
He is my caveman,
my knuckle-dragger.
16 years, one daughter.
You and your... husband
have children?
Two.
Carmen is a sophomore
at Long Beach State
and Andre should
be a junior,
but, you know,
he had some problems, so...
Renee plays piano.
It's Donna.
Donna's arresting.
- Shit!
- Call Code Blue!
Get the crash cart.