Get Smart (1965–1970): Season 1, Episode 2 - Diplomat's Daughter - full transcript

Uh, pardon me. I wonder
if you would mind

working on that
shoe for a while.

This is Smart, Maxwell
Smart, agent 86.

86, report to
headquarters immediately.

Just a minute. Who is this?

This is the chief. Who else would
be calling you on your shoe?

Yes, well, you
can't be too careful.

Would you mind giving
me the day's password?

This is an emergency,
Max. There's no time for...

I'm afraid you'll have to
further identify yourself.

I'm telling you,
Max, this is the chief.



Well, if you can't give
me the day's password,

I'll accept the countersign
or today's secret code number.

My life may depend on it.

Get in here, Max, or I'll
personally tear you apart!

That's good
enough for me, chief.

I'll be right over.

Excuse me. I'm in a hurry.

- 86, I've got a new assignment for you.
- Right, chief.

- It's a kidnapping case.
- Oh, good. Who do you want me to kidnap?

No, Max. I want you to
prevent a kidnapping.

In the last 10 days eight
blondes have been abducted

in Washington from this
area. What do you make of that?

Well, it's either a conspiracy

or some guy's got a
pretty weird hobby.



These are the girls. All
of them were registered

at the hotel Cramley.
Now, we have one clue...

Orientals have been observed
at the scene of each kidnapping.

86, are you listening to me?

Hmm? Oh, yes. Yes,
of course, chief.

We suspect the oriental
arm of KAOS may be involved.

Mm-hmm, KAOS, the international
organization of evil.

That's right. Now
listen carefully.

- Max!
- Hmm?

Princess Ingrid of scandinavia
is visiting Washington.

She's staying at the hotel
Cramley and she's a blonde.

- Any questions so far?
- Uh, yes.

Could I see #4 again?

The Princess is
traveling incognito

because she wants
to avoid newspapermen

and security agents.

But we've got to protect her!

Oh, you're afraid

that she'll be kidnapped, right?

There's a NATO meeting about
to take place in her country.

If anything should
happen to her,

our government's position
would be seriously compromised.

Now let me get to the reason
I'm putting you on this case.

Your folder is right
here. Let me see...

Salzmann, Saxon, Schwartz...

Schwartz? That's...
He's a real go-getter.

Now wait a minute, chief,
I can handle this job.

Remember how I handled
my last two assignments?

Send in Schwartz.

Schwartz in rangoon?
What's he doing there?

Oh, he is being held prisoner.
Well, anyway, he's on the job.

Okay, Smart...

Let's see...

Oh, yes, this is why we
put you on this case.

Five years ago, when the
Princess's father spoke

at the United Nations,
you saved his life.

Oh, that Princess Ingrid!

Of course, yes.

She knows you
and she trusts you.

I'm putting her
safety in your hands.

You won't regret it, chief.

Now I've written the
location of your contacts

on this piece of paper.
Be sure to destroy it.

Right, chief.

No no no, Max!

First memorize
it, then destroy it.

I'm sorry, chief.

Let's go see
Carleton in the lab.

He's got some new
equipment for you.

Uh, this is our new
27-F cigarette lighter.

It sights down the wick and
it fires a .22-caliber bullet.

- It what?
- I said it...

Fires a .22-caliber bullet.

Sorry about that.

Let's get on to something.

What about the new
wrist communicator T-37?

Right here, sir.

Now, Max, you'll use this
to stay in contact with us.

But, chief, I still
have my shoe phone.

Turn in your shoes, Max. I think the
wrist communicator will be more effective.

Gee whiz, chief, I still have 60
message units left this month.

We've developed a new
pair of shoes in the lab, 86.

Notice the steel-enforced
toes for kicking?

And inside the heels there
are secret compartments

containing our latest
emergency pellets.

Can I see it in a 10?

Show him the pellets, Carleton.

In the left heel compartment
there are two pellets.

The smaller one is
a concussion pellet.

Now if it's thrown up against
something or activated by heat,

it will blow a 10-by-15
room to smithereens.

Now, Max, do you know
what this larger pill is for?

Larger rooms.

Max, KAOS does have
ways of making a man talk.

If you are captured and
if it looks really tough,

this may be your
one ace in the hole.

This pill when swallowed
will bring painless death

in about 20 seconds.

- Are there any questions?
- How do I get them to take it?

Let's get on to the next pellet.

This...

This pellet contains
a very volatile liquid.

When activated,
it produces a thick

protective smoke screen.

Now I'm assigning agent 99 to
accompany you on this one, Max.

The Princess has a reputation
of being a little bit wild

and I think it'll take both of you to
watch her and keep her out of trouble.

I'm raring to go, chief,

just as soon as I
get this shoe on.

Actually, chief, I don't think
I'll be needing the smoke pellet.

Maxwell Smart.

Come right in. It's open.

She shouldn't leave her
door unlocked like that.

- Who is it?
- Uh, an old friend.

I'll be there in a moment.

Hey, you know the Princess
already, don't you, Max?

Yes, I met her five years ago.

She was a sweet
freckled-faced 15-year-old kid.

- What if she doesn't want to go with us?
- Don't be ridiculous, 99.

- Why wouldn't she want to go with us?
- Maxie!

Maxie, darling!

Ingrid?

Isn't she sweet?
She hasn't changed a bit.

She must have been
some 15-year-old.

Uh, ahem, Princess, uh...

I want you to meet agent 99.

We've been assigned to
escort you around Washington.

- Where do you want to take me?
- Uh, yes, well,

- we'll go and see all the shrines and monuments.
- Absolutely not.

I come to Washington once a
year, and I want to have some fun.

Yes, well, where
would you like to go?

- To your place.
- My place.

Well, there's no real historical

- significance to my place.
- Mmm, there could be.

I want to have some fun.

I'm going to go get my coat,
and then I'm going dancing.

I'm going to
do the watusi and the walk

and the swim and the pony.

Ahem. Yes. Well, 99,

you're a woman, aren't you?
What can we do to stop her?

How about a tranquilizer?

Oh, you know what I mean.

Well, maxie, darling,

I think you've got to show
her what a swinger you are,

that you can do the frug
and the watusi and the swim

- and the pony...
- I know, I know. Just give a good example.

But of course.

Okay, now give me a bad example.

I'll get it.

- Package for miss swenson.
- Oh, thank you.

- 99!
- What is it, Max?

- Quick, come here.
- What's the matter?

- What's the matter, Max?
- Shh.

Don't make a move,
don't make a sound.

I don't know for sure, Princess,

but I think I've just saved...

Your flower.

They need a lot of
water, you know.

Now about our itinerary...

Before we get to the dancing,

we're going to visit some
real swinging places...

The white house,
the Lincoln memorial,

Washington monument,
the Smithsonian institute,

and the national art gallery.

Oh, bobo, how ironic...

Our old friend Maxwell Smart

has led us to our target.

What a pleasure it
will be to eliminate him.

I will force air bubbles
into his bloodstream.

Stop stop! I do
not want to hear it.

You know how I detest violence.

I will thank you to
do your fiendish work,

- but do not tell me about it.
- Yes, master.

How do you force air
bubbles into the bloodstream?

- Uh...
- Never mind. I do not want to hear.

We must concentrate on our plan

which has improved

now that we know
their full itinerary...

Kidnap the Princess and...

Get Smart.

No no, Max. I don't want to see

any more of your
shrines and monuments.

You told me you would take
me to some swinging places.

Well, we just saw the
Smithsonian institute.

That was exciting, wasn't
it? My heart is still thumping.

Really? Let me feel.

- Stop that, Princess.
- You're really going to find the stop thrilling.

- Won't she, maxie?
- Please, 99.

Would you please show the
Princess around the art gallery?

- I have to report in.
- Of course.

Right this way, Princess.

This is 86 reporting
in to Control.

Hello, chief? This is Max.

I'm at the national art gallery.

Anything unusual to report?

Well, we just came from
the Smithsonian institute

and we saw the plane
"the spirit of St. Louis."

So?

Chief, was Charles
Lindbergh Chinese?

Of course not.

Then I think we're
being followed.

Over and out.

Really, Max, this
tour is intolerable.

The day is nearly gone
and we haven't had any fun.

Allow me, Princess.

Wonderful, maxie. At
last some excitement.

99, put plan 49-K into
effect immediately.

- That's 49-K.
- Right, 86.

- Max?
- Hello Control, hello Control?

- 99?
- Yes, 86?

- What is plan 49-K?
- I take the subject to my apartment

- and don't let her out of my sight.
- Right.

- This is agent 99, agent 99...
- 99?

- Yes, 86?
- What do I do?

- You follow the suspect.
- Right.

Condition red.

Come on, Princess.

The old
picture-in-the-keyhole trick.

That's twice this month.

A simple trick, but effective
enough to make you our prisoner.

Not quite yet, my friend.

If he shoots me, I shoot you.

That's all right, bobo.

Ingenious, isn't it, Mr. Smart?

It's acts like that
that killed vaudeville.

Very amusing, Mr. Smart.

I suppose you can
guess what they call me.

Lefty?

No, Mr. Smart.

I am employed by KAOS,

the international
organization of evil.

My name is the claw.

- The craw?
- No, not "the craw."

- The claw.
- Oh, yes, "the craw."

Perhaps you would
tell me, Mr. Craw,

what you've done with all
those blondes you've kidnapped.

They are all perfectly
safe, Mr. Smart.

Actually, the only girl
we want is Princess Ingrid.

Then why did you
abduct the others?

Unfortunately, Mr. Smart,

all Americans look alike to us.

We may be diabolical,
but we are not perfect.

Bobo.

And now, Mr. Smart, you will tell
us the Princess's whereabouts.

No, my friend, you will
never get your craws on her.

No no no, not craws, craws.

Oh, yes, of course,
"craws."

I suppose you think you've
got me buried in this backroom

in this building on
commonwealth and eighth streets.

Have all mobile units
stand by for my instructions.

Not eighth street, Mr. Smart,

- "f" street.
- Oh, yes, "f" street.

And it's "crover" Avenue.

"Crover" Avenue. Uh, clover.

Oh, that must be near
ninth and Delaware?

- Only if you take the cutoff at exit 4.
- Oh, exit 4.

- That must be under the overpass.
- No no no...

- Over the underpass.
- Over the underpass.

Over the underpass. Good,
that's all we need to know.

Indeed it is, Mr. Smart.

Your chief will never find
you with those directions.

And now you will tell us
the location of the Princess.

- Never!
- I have a way to loosen your tongue, Mr. Smart.

Have you ever
heard of the Chinese

bamboo-stalks-
under-the-fingernails torture?

No. Sounds pretty
good. How does it work?

You place Chinese bamboo stalks

- under the fingernails.
- Under the fingernails.

- Yes, I remember now.
- Bobo, execute

the Chinese bamboo-stalk-
fingernail torture.

Him, you fool,

not me.

And don't imagine
your cries of pain

will bring
assistance, Mr. Smart!

The activities of our
Shanghai a-go-go discotheque

are just getting started.

In addition to providing a
useful front to our organization,

that raucous sound will
smother your cries for help.

Mr. Smart, one last
appeal to reason...

I do not care for torture.

Must you be so stubborn?

I'd like a chance to think this
over. Do you mind if I smoke?

Oh, not at all.

- Take your time.
- Thank you.

These things never work.

Your time is up.

Well, I'm afraid I have
nothing to tell you, Mr. Craw.

Then for my first torture
please remove your shoes.

My shoes?

Yes, of course, I'd be
glad to remove my shoes.

You are forcing me
to do this, Mr. Smart.

Whatever happened to the

bamboo-stalks-under-
the-fingernail torture?

I kind of liked that one.

We found this to be

more effective.

All right, gentlemen, stand
back. How big is this room?

- About 10-by-15.
- Perfect.

Don't move or I'll blow
you all to kingdom come.

- Bobo, drop that gun.
- He's bluffing. Bobo, get him!

Stand back.

Wrong pill. I think I've
just poisoned the room.

No, Mr. Smart, there'll
be no more of your silly tricks.

- 86!
- 99.

Oh, Max, I'm so sorry but the
Princess got away from me.

I couldn't help it.
Are you all right?

Yes, but we've got to get out
of here as quickly as possible.

The Shanghai a-go-go
is a KAOS front.

This is the one place the
Princess must not come.

- Oh, no.
- How did you know I was here?

I didn't. Look.

- I followed her here.
- Well, we've gotta get the Princess...

Oh my gosh!

The poor devils! What
have they done to them?

They're dancing, Max.
That's the style now.

Listen, 99, we've gotta get
that Princess out of here

- without looking conspicuous.
- Right.

- Let's dance over.
- But I...

Ingrid.

Ingrid, you're in terrible
danger. As a friend of your father,

I must remind you
that you're a Princess.

- I'll do whatever you say, Max.
- Good. Now remember,

dignity and
decorum at all times.

- 99.
- Oh, hey, Max.

- 99, what are you doing?
- Oh, what's the plan, Max?

The plan is to get the Princess
and get her out that exit.

Well, let's go.

- How about now?
- Well, they can't do anything to us

with all these people around. I
think we'd better keep dancing.

- Okay.
- And watch your elbow, 99.

Max, look out! Behind you!

99, look out! Behind you!

99, I think we've got the beat.

Yeah!

You still have me to
deal with, Mr. Smart.

You have interfered
with KAOS for the last time.

Just a minute, Mr. Craw.

Craw, not craw!

Craw!

- Have you got a gun, 99?
- Right.

Keep him covered.
All right, Mr. Craw,

one false move and
she blows your head off.

Don't be fooled by the
size of the gun, Mr. Craw.

It fires a .1-caliber
poisoned pin

that kills instantly.

This is agent 86
reporting to Control.

Hello, chief? Smart here.

Yes, the Princess is safe.

I'm at the Shanghai
a-go-go discotheque.

Better send some men
and some handcuffs.

Sorry about that. Handcuff.

No, chief, you make a right on
spring and a left on "crover"...

Uh, clover. Yes.

Then it's the second
left to constitution.

No, chief, you go under the
overpass and over the underpass.

No, chief, a right at spring

and a left at
clover... "Crover"...

I am proud of both of you.

The claw and his men are behind bars,
those eight girls have been rescued,

and the Princess is on
her way to scandinavia.

- Congratulations, Max.
- Thank you.

- Congratulations, 99.
- Thank you.

- All in a day's work.
- I'm sorry you couldn't have

accompanied the Princess back
to her country as she requested,

- but I understand your point of view.
- Chief...

- My what?!
- Your written report,

- in which you pointed out the inadvisability...
- Uh, chief...

Of a single male agent
traveling with the Princess.

- I quite agree with you.
- But I never made out

- any written report.
- I'd like to check out now.

- Anyway, we sent K-13 along.
- Fang?

- Yes, he'll take care of her.
- Well, fang's a good man,

- but chief...
- 86, do you mind

if I talk over some confidential
aspects of this case with 99?

I'll see you in a moment.

You wrote that
report, didn't you?

Um, yes, sir.

I, uh...

I just wanted to save Max some
embarrassment. He gets seasick.

In a plane?

It flies over water.

- No no, chief, you're not doing it right.
- Are you absolutely sure, 99?

I'm positive. I'm
an expert on this.

Now you got
to show me. It's vital.

- Now that's an order.
- All right.

Now first you just stand still
and you get your hips moving first.

Then you add the arms.

- That's it, that's it.
- Oh, I see.

- Now try the pony.
- The what?