Get Smart (1965–1970): Season 1, Episode 1 - Mr. Big - full transcript

This is Washington, D.C.

Somewhere in this city
is the headquarters

of a top secret organization
known as Control.

Its business is
counterespionage.

This is symphony
hall in Washington.

Somewhere in this audience is

one of Control's top employees,

a man who lives a life
of danger and intrigue,

a man who's been
carefully trained

never to disclose the fact
that he is a secret agent.

This is Smart:



Maxwell Smart, agent 86.

Hello, chief? Max. What's up?

KAOS, eh?

Yes, sir. I'll be right over.

Uh, I may be a few
minutes late, chief.

- Hello, Max.
- Hi, chief.

- Good to see you again.
- Good to see you, chief.

Well, chief, what's all
the excitement about?

Max, this is a big one.

The fate of our entire
nation may depend on it.

As you know, here at Control

it's policy to assign
cases in rotation.

Well, it's your turn at bat.

Right.



Oh, I'm sorry. I'm
terribly sorry, sir.

It's just that I'm raring to go.

Max, let me give
you a quick briefing.

First of all, do you
know what this is?

I believe it's a photograph.

It's a machine
called the inthermo,

and it's capable of
converting heat waves

into immense destructive power.

Now, Max, it's been stolen

and its inventor,
professor Hugo Dante,

kidnapped from his
long island laboratory.

Sounds like the
KAOS organization

- is back in action, chief.
- Right.

And their Mr. Big,
whoever he is,

has broadcast a demand
for $100 million ransom

or he'll use the inthermo
against our cities.

Mr. Big must be stopped
before he goes any further

- and, Max, it seems to me...
- Just a minute, chief.

- Isn't this top security?
- Yes.

Well, shouldn't we
activate the cone of silence?

The cone of silence?

- Yes.
- All right, Max.

- Hodgkins.
- Yes, sir.

Activate the cone of silence.

The cone of silence?

First of all, how much...

How much do you know about KAOS?

What did you say, sir?

- KAOS.
- What?

KAOS.

Oh, KAOS. Yes, of course.

Well that's an international
criminal organization

that was founded...

Oh, I think, in 1957.

How's that?

- '57.
- What?

'57!

Agent 57 is in Hong Kong.

- What?
- Hong Kong.

What about Hong Kong?

What?

Hong Kong!

Why are we talking
about Hong Kong?

- What?
- Hong...

Hodgkins,

raise the cone of silence.

- What?
- Raise the cone of silence!

Perhaps we could
just talk softly, sir.

Max, let's get you set up
with some special equipment.

Would you please?

What do you think you'll need?

Well, chief, this
looks like a heavy case,

but I think I'll just take
the bare necessities...

My bino-specs,

my locker key

and my beretta.

Max, take the
inflato-coat with you.

Oh, chief, it's the
middle of summer.

Besides, that's
not even my size.

Hodgkins will issue
one in your size.

I want you to have one with you.

Well, okay, chief,
if you say so.

Anything else?

Well, I think I'd like to
take K-13 with me on this one.

We've worked together before

and he's proved useful.

Hodgkins, send in K-13.

Yes, sir.

Down, boy. How are you?

How are you, boy? Well, are
you ready for another one?

This may be a tough one, fella.

Think we can handle it?

Now remember, we're
dealing with KAOS

and if we fall into their
hands, they'll show us no mercy.

You think we can face
excruciating torture?

- Agent 99 will meet you at the airport.
- Good.

Uh, how will I know 99, chief?

99 will find you. Use
the following phrase:

"New York Mets
win double-header."

Hey, I like that.

New York Mets win double-header.

That's very good.

86, your mission is simple...

Find KAOS and destroy it,

get Mr. Big, rescue
professor Dante

and bring back the inthermo.

This may run into a
little overtime, chief.

Max, you realize
you'll be facing

every kind of danger imaginable.

And...

Loving it.

Yes.

Max, we're trained

not to have any
personal feelings,

but I think you know
that if I had any children,

I'd like them to be
like you and fang.

Thank you, chief.

Good hunting, Max,

and remember the code:

"New York Mets
win double-header."

That I'd like to see.

Flight 92,
transcontinental airlines,

now departing gate 7.

Sit, boy, sit.

Come on, sit, sit.

Good boy.

Stay here.

"New York Mets
win double-header"!

You wait here. Mother
will go check on our tickets.

Okay.

New York Mets win double-header.

That's right.

Any new developments from KAOS?

What about Dante
and the inthermo?

Are you 99?

No, I'm six and a half.

New York Mets win double-header.

I know, I know.

But you don't understand.

The score was 99 to 86.

- Are you 99?
- Uh-huh.

- 86?
- Yes.

I thought you'd
want to get right out

- to professor Dante's laboratory at Cravehaven.
- Good.

I spoke to Zelinka.
That's his assistant.

- She's expecting us.
- Excellent.

I have a car outside. Follow me.

Hold it.

I think I'm being followed.

There's a man right behind you.

- Uh-huh. Where?
- Don't turn around,

but you can see him through
my mirrored cufflinks.

Uh-huh.

Who's he?

Probably a reception
committee from KAOS.

You wait here.

- What are you gonna do?
- I'm gonna use my locker key.

- 34?
- Yes, 86.

Man behind me...

Gun under his raincoat.
Probably KAOS agent.

Put plan Y-14 into effect.

99 and I will act as decoys.

- All right?
- All right.

The plan is Y-14.

- Let's go.
- Right.

This is one of the best experimental
laboratories in the world.

We have all the
finest equipment.

Oh, try it again at 700 ccms.

Say, isn't this the inthermo?

Oh no, that's only a dummy model

of the stolen inthermo,

but it can be used
to demonstrate

how the basic principle

of thermal
concentricity holds true.

Actually, the dynamics
of the catalytic phenomena

is expressed in direct ratio to
its initial molecular conclusion.

Yes, well, perhaps we'd
better get on to something else.

I'd like to know
exactly where you were

when the professor was abducted.

If you don't mind, 99, I'd
like to handle this myself.

Right.

I'd like to know
exactly where you were

when the professor
Dante was abducted.

You came outside and you saw them
struggling with professor Dante.

Exactly where did
that take place?

The car was over
there by the bushes.

Look, he's found something.

Come here, fang. Come here, boy.

What have you
got, boy? Come here.

Oh, it's only an
old banana peel.

Why don't you give it
to me? I'll throw it away.

Wait a minute.

That's funny. It's
made of rubber.

Here, let me see that.

A rubber banana peel.

Hmm.

A rubber banana.

That's strange.

Wait a minute.

There's something
written on this.

"Sou stret nov."

What could that mean?

"South...

Street...

Novelty...

Inc."

South street. That's
down by the waterfront.

You know something?
They could have very easily

have dropped this when
they abducted the professor.

99, you'd better get the car.

- I think we should follow this up.
- Right.

Hmm...

You know, this may
be our first real lead.

But why a rubber banana?

Thank you, Zelinka.

But why a rubber banana peel?

Sorry, fang.

86, quick. KAOS is
broadcasting again.

We will offer a
practical demonstration

of the inthermo's
enormous power.

At 4:00 this afternoon in full
view of downtown Manhattan

we will destroy a
great public figure.

This is K.A.O.S.,
KAOS, singing off.

A great public figure
at 4:00 this afternoon.

- What time is it now?
- 2:20.

2:20. That gives us exactly
one hour and 40 minutes

and nothing to go on
but a rubber banana peel.

Step on it. Here, boy.

It's all set. Smart's
on his way up.

Move into position.

- Yes?
- I believe this is

one of your rubber banana peels.

I'd like to know when it
was purchased and by whom.

I'd appreciate it if
you'd make it snappy.

We're in kind of a hurry.

Uh, this looks like it.

You'll probably find
what you're looking for

on page eight.

Well, I don't see anything here.

Here.

Where?

Here.

- Are you all right, 99?
- Uh-huh. How about you?

Yes, fortunately, fang knocked
me out of the way just in time.

Phew. That was a close one.

Yes, now we've got exactly...

10...

Why, you're a girl.

Yes.

He's right.

Yes, I suppose so. We've
got exactly 10 minutes

to stop them from
using that inthermo again.

The beam must have come from
somewhere out in the harbor.

Be careful.

Yes, well, I don't seem to
see anything down there.

There's nothing out there
except that old garbage scow.

But there's something
funny about that old scow.

I've
got it! Seagulls!

Oh. But there are no seagulls.

Exactly. Did you ever
see an old garbage scow

without seagulls
hovering over it?

I'd better take a closer look.

Of course, that it!

Rubber trash...

Using it for camouflage.

Professor Dante and the
inthermo are on that boat,

or I'm not Smart.

99... oh...

We've gotta get down there,
grab one of those dinghies

and get on board that
boat before they use

- that darn thing again. Come on.
- Right.

Good. They're below deck.
Keep low and keep quiet.

Toss the gun overboard.

The old garbage trick, eh?

That's the second time it's
been pulled on me this year.

Mr. Big wants to see you.

So you're Mr. Big.

So you're Maxwell Smart.

At last we meet face-to-face.

Please make yourselves
comfortable.

What an unexpected
and delightful pleasure

to have the illustrious
Maxwell Smart as my guest.

Will you have a drink?

Oh, uh, no.

No. Perhaps a cigarette?

Those are truly
magnificent blends

specially imported for me

from Heidelberg.

Very good.

I see that what your
organization lacks in strategy

more than makes
up in loveliness.

- Thank you.
- Take them below

and make them as
uncomfortable as possible.

Now wait a minute.

I have an alternate plan.

- Zelinka!
- Of course.

That explains why it was so easy
for them to kidnap the professor.

Is there anything
else you wish to say?

You're very clever, my
charming little friend.

But not clever enough.

You see, the moment I suspected

there was something
wrong with this old scow,

I immediately telephoned
headquarters.

And I happen to know
that at this very minute

seven coastguard cutters
are converging on this boat.

Would you believe it? Seven.

I find that pretty
hard to believe.

Would you believe six?

I don't think so.

How about two cops in a rowboat?

You're stalling, Mr. Smart.

Take them below.

No!

All right, Smart,
get your hands up.

Up!

That'll hold you.

- Are they gone?
- Right.

Well, chief was right
about the inflato-coat.

Now, they've got professor
Dante tied up in the other room.

So here's what we'll do...

Wait a minute. What's that?

They must be warming
up the inthermo.

- So that's their target!
- What?

Miss Liberty herself.

Okay, 99, here's the plan.

I'll untie fang and
release the professor.

You knock over the
guard and take his gun.

Right. Max!

Well, it's just that
I'm so good at knots.

Excellent. We're
right on target.

Smart's escaped!

It's jammed.

Okay, professor, now let's
deactivate that inthermo.

Get Smart, you fools!

Help! Maxwell, help!

Max, look out!

Did you deactivate the inthermo?

Well, I couldn't do it. You see,
the nuclear power was frozen.

I've got to stop that madman.

No no no no.

When I could not deactivate it,

I reversed it to
self-destruction,

so when the man
would press the button,

this ship would become
one big blazing inferno!

Ah! That's what I
meant to call it...

Dante's inferno!

- Can you swim, professor?
- No,

but I am familiar with Archimedes'
principle of displacement of water

in which...

Come on, fang!

Well, that's the end of Mr. Big.

If only he could have
turned his evil genius

into... niceness.

Well, I'd better
let the chief know.

Smart here,

Maxwell Smart.

Mission accomplished.

Professor Dante
rescued, KAOS destroyed.

And I take great pride in saying

that the forces of evil
have once again been foiled

in their attempt to
extinguish the torch of Liberty.

What?

Oh, sorry.

Wrong number.