Gavin & Stacey (2007–…): Season 3, Episode 6 - Episode #3.6 - full transcript

We should last till tomorrow.
You mean the Calor Gas
or our relationship?

Why are you being like this? Why
are you sleeping with another man?

I gotta be civil to him. We're
getting married in three weeks, when
will you start putting me first?

We should set a date,
like the end of the year,

and if nothing's happened by then
then we'll just have to
accept it ain't going to.

and start looking into
adoption and things? Yeah.

Well, I can't believe it. In three
weeks you'll be married, eh, Ness?

I know. Nessa and David.

ALL: Nessa and David.

It was really weird going back
there. It was exactly the same.

Remember Dougie?
Doughnut Dougie? Dougie Doughnuts?



He's had a heart attack. No-one
told me. Oh, my God. Is he dead?

I think so. Nobody seems
to really know.

Ohh. Do you miss it?
Do you wish you still worked there?

Do you know what? Not at all.
I really don't.

I won't have to come up again
for ages. Probably not for another
six months. 'Oh, that's good.'

It's like the olden days,
this, isn't it?

Me down here, you up there.

It's only one night. 'I know that.'

I just mean it's like it used
to be when we first met.

Yeah. God, all them phone calls.

And the phone sex.
That was good, though, wasn't it?

Yeah. What you wearing?

So you going out
with Smithy later, then?

I don't know. Maybe. It won't be
a late one. Don't get drunk now!



You've got to drive back
in the morning.

I'll be home by midday.
It's not starting till 3.00, is it?

I know, but you've got to put your
suit on and your shoes and belt
and everything.

How's Nessa feeling?
She's all right.

We're just having a girlie night
in with Bryn.

You know, bleaching and shaving
and general wedding prep.

I just can't believe
she's getting married. Can you?

Less than 24 hours to go now, babe.

Right. That's the base coat.
Let that dry a minute.

Now, are you sure you want them
black?

Yeah. It's stylish.
Is it, though? I mean...

Oh, Stace. Stop stressing me out.

I think what Stacey means, Ness,
is it's not very bridal.

Well, I'm not very bridal.
Oh, yes, you are.

I tell you what. Why don't we paint
the toenails black?

That way you retain
a certain sense of individuality,

a sense of "Ness-ness".

But you keep it hidden away.

No. Stick to the plan, Bryn.

I want "Nessa" painted on my left
foot, "David" on the right.

But you always call him "Dave".
You never call him "David".

I do when he's sucking my toes.

There we are. All done.

Oh, Mum. That looks lush.
That looks lovely, Gwen.

What shoes will you wear with it?
What?

Joking, I am.

Oh, right.

Are you sure you don't want to
try it on? No need. If you got the
measurements right it'll be fine.

If not, you'll ruin my day.
Simple as.

What?

It's just so nice having you here
without Stacey.

Pam! Mum!
Not like that. I love Stacey.

It's just... Oh, I don't know. I
just feel I've got you back all to
myself.

Just for tonight.

There's my little prince,
my handsome king

and me in the middle,
the Duchess of Cornwall.

Oh, yeah. And here comes
the court jester.

What's that? Nothing.

Right. I am done.

BOTH: Romeo Dunn.

I should think so.
It's quarter to eight.

He didn't start till 4.00. How come?

Slept in. Didn't wake up till 3.30.

What were you doing last night?

Playing Rock Band with Rudi.
It's amazing.

We're thinking about
forming a proper band - a group.

I've done your dinner, sweetheart.
It's in the oven.

- Cheers. I can get it.
- You sure you don't want any veg?

I had a banana earlier,
so I'm all right.

I'm going to get a bath and
a face pack, ready for tomorrow.

Yeah, we'll clear this up. It's a
shame you're not going to be there,
Smithy, at the wedding.

- Is it?
- Well, yeah.

It doesn't feel right somehow.
What are you gonna do with
yourself?

I'll pick up Neil, my boy,
and take him to Jungle Jim's.

You know, the kids' play centre
thing.

Bit young for that, isn't he?
Nah, I checked it out on Monday.

They've got a little preschool bit,
you know - soft toys, little train.

It'll be nice.

What? Have I got a bogey?

No, darling. You're fine.

So it's right, together.
Left, together.

Right, together. Left, together.

OK. You have a go.

No, no, no. Not like that.
You're going too fast!

You're not doing "together,"
only "right, left".

I don't see the point.
Why am I stopping for?

I never walks like that.
I'm going from A to B, that's all.

Why've I got to look like a dick?

Well, I don't think
you do look like a dick, Ness.

Well, I feels like a dick, Bryn.

- Hola!
- Hiya, love.

Sorry it took so long.
It was packed in Morrisons.

Always is on a Friday, Jase. A lot
of people doing their big shop.

I won't go near the place
on a Friday.

Me neither.
Won't give them the satisfaction.

Where do you shop in Spain, Jase?
Do they have supermarkets out there?

Yeah, it's Spain,
not the Third World.

Oh, Jase, enough jibber-jabber.

It's meant to be my hen night.
What's the plan?

Well, I'm doing pizzas
and garlic bread.

And I've got us a little film.

It's a new thriller

starring two-time Academy
Award-winner Mr Kevin Spacey.

Cracking.

TV: Cooking doesn't
get tougher than this.

DOORBELL RINGS
Oh, my Christ. Who's that?

I'll get it.
I don't know, do I?

Yes, Rudi Rudester.
All right, Gav? Is he here?

Yeah, yeah. Smithy, it's Rudi.
Invite her in. Come in, Ruth.

No, you're all right, Pam.
I forgot my keys.

I thought Mum was home tonight.

She is, but she's not answering.
I think she's asleep.

I'll give you a lift in a bit
if you want.

No, I'm fine. I've got my heelies.

Sure you won't stay for a drink?
No, I'm fine, thanks, Mick.

I would come out to see you, Ruth,
but I'm doing a face pack -

lavender and jasmine.

Nice. OK. Well, I'll see you later.
Take it easy, Rudi.

Oh, my God. You were right. What?

You are Welsh. Eh?

Your accent - you're speaking Welsh.

What you on about?
MIMICS: What you on about?

Shut up.
MIMICS: Shut up. You're a traitor.

You've betrayed your roots.
You'll be playing rugby next.

Told you! See you later.

Did you get a card? What?

For Nessa. Yeah.

Cool. See you, Gethin.
HE LAUGHS

Got a card for Nessa? Yeah, why?

Nothing.

I really don't understand
why you've got to have
Neil tomorrow.

What?

Yeah. Why doesn't Nessa
want the baby at the wedding?

I dunno. She watched her own mother
get married nine times or something.

To three different men. Oh.

Ohhh. Oh, I see.

TV: 'Not ready for it
to stop yet, but I'm afraid
it's going to have to.'

Do you want to go out? Chinese
and Budgie are down at the Stag.

They have a DJ on Friday
and Saturday nights now.

Nah. Oh, come on. Come out.

Get your groove on, yeah?

Ooh. That feels good.

Get on down at the Stag and Hound...

Cos Stacey's away,
them mice gonna play.

What are you doing?
I don't know. Let's not bother.

DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS ON TV

So he was Keyser Soze
the whole time?

Yeah. And he didn't really
have a limp at all.

He was putting it on.
That's very clever.

Very clever.

How do they think these things up,
Gwen?

I know. They just do. Yeah.

I've seen it three times now. I
still didn't think it was gonna be
him.

He's a good bloke, Kev.
I've got a lot of time for him.

He loved you, didn't he, Stace?
Yeah.

But imagine if I'd married him.
I'd have been Stacey Spacey.

ALL CHUCKLE
PHONE RINGS

On that note, I'm gonna turn in.
Jase, you coming over now? Yeah, OK.

Hello? Oh, hiya, Dave.
How are you feeling?

..Yeah, I'll get her now.

Ness, it's Dave. What's he want?

He wants to talk to you.
Ask him what he wants.

What was it you wanted, Dave?

He says he's missing you, sugar
tits,

and wants to hear your lovely voice

before you become his bride
tomorrow.

Fair play. Hand him over.

All right, Dave? How's it going?
All right?

All right, Ness. How's it going?
All right?

Oh, Gwen, give us a minute.

Of course, love.

My old man there yet?

Yeah, just having a little
game of cards with him and Noel.

Cracking. Pass the phone a minute.

Hiya, Ness. How's my little girl?

Who's this? It's your dad.

All right, Dad? What's occurring?

I'm good. I just come up. Been doing
a stint on Holby. Man in a coma.

Ah. That's an easy one. Yeah. They
seemed happy with what I'd done.

I kept it simple, you know?
Just lay there.

Nice.
So, how you feeling about tomorrow?

Terrible. Nervous as shit.

I'd be nervous marrying him.
The man's got blood on his hands.

Listen, I'll hand you back to him.
See you tomorrow, sugar tits.

Here he is.

Only joking, Dave.
I know they never proved nothing.

You all right, babe?
What are you nervous about?

Oh, this and that. Mainly Gwen.
Oh, what's she done now?

Well, she's finished the dress,
like, but she won't do a fitting.

Christ knows what I'll look like
tomorrow.

You'll look like an angel
whatever you wears.

I'm gonna go now. Bye.

'Whoa! Hang on a minute.' What?

This time tomorrow you'll be my
wife. I know. I can't wait.

Sweet dreams, Miss Jenkins.

You too, Mr Coach.

Ooh! Sorry. Is that you, Ness?

STACEY: No, it's me, Mum.
All right, love? Want a cuppa?

Yeah, OK. I'll be down now.

Oh, giving you gyp, is it, love?

No. It's just a bit stiff in the
mornings.

Oh! That's what Trevor used to say.

Don't cheapen yourself, Gwen.
You're better than that, come on.

Sorry, love.

You knocking me up an omelette
for the journey, like?

Of course. I've got some onion,
bit of ham.

You can have cheese, tomato...
Oh, Gwen, cut the chatter.

I've got other things on my mind,
like my forthcoming nuptials.

Sorry, love. That's OK.

I'll take the ham. Genuine.

Where've you been? I've been
calling.

I'm sorry. I was just in the shower.

Why haven't you left yet?
I'm just leaving now.

It's only 8.30.
Mum, have you seen my keys?

Mum? Sorry, darling?

It's all right. I've got them.

Well, don't be long.
I just want to see you, that's all.

I'm on my way.

Ohhh, Ness! It's all so exciting!
Isn't it, Mum?

What's that, love?
Good morning, one and all.

Especially the blushing bride.
All right, Bryn?

Hiya. You sleep OK on that sofa?
Like a log.

Right. We ready, then?
Madam, your carriage awaits.

Or should I say Picasso?

There you are, love.

Cheers, Gwenno.
Oh, Ness. It's going to be immense.

Are you excited? I am, yeah.

It feels very emotional.

Come on, Bryn, let's hit the road.

MUSIC: "Up All Night"
by Take That

HE SINGS ALONG: # Cos you're
keeping me up all night... #

HE TOOTS HORN

HE TOOTS HORN
Hey-hey!

All right? All right?

SMITHY SPEAKS INAUDIBLY

Can't hear you!

PHONE RINGS

Gavlar! Hey-hey! All right?

You stopping at Leigh Delamere?
I wasn't going to.

Where you stopping? I don't
normally. I go straight through.

What, not even at Chieveley?
You don't stop at Chieveley?

No. Chieveley's the best. It's
insane. I've never been. It's great!

I took Lucy there for dinner once.
And you wonder why she left you!

Come on. Stop at Leigh Delamere.
You'll get to see Neil.

OK. Just for five minutes.

In a bit.

Hey, hot dog!

Bryn burger!

How you doing?

Ohhh! Ho, ho, ho!

And who's this little nugget?
What a treat!

We just passed each other
on the motorway. How are you, Ness?

Tidy. We had a lovely run down.

I just stopped at Leigh Delamere.
Takes her mind off the big day.

I saw Smithy and thought...

I'll be literally five minutes
and then I'm heading off again.

OK.

Love you.

All right?

Yeah.

I've got a couple of changes of
clothes in there for him.

Yeah? And his special blanket.

Oh, you've got your special
NuNu blanket!

Have you got your NuNu?

He's not been sleeping well
the last few nights,

so you may want to stay with him
till he gets off.

Yeah. Yeah, course.

What are you gonna do with him?
Oh, just hang out and stuff.

Me and Rudi will take him
to Jungle Jim's.

We're gonna have fun, aren't we?

Come on, then, little fella.

Come have a holiday
with your daddy, eh?

We'll be back next week.

And I've put his mobile in there,

so get him to give me a ring,
just so I can hear his voice.

Yeah, of course. We'll be fine,
you know. We'll be fine together.

I know.

Well, all the best for today.
Got good weather for it.

I've got you something,
actually, in the car.

Sorry - Bryn, will you take...

It's not anything big or nothing.
It's just...

Oh. Cheers.

Thanks.

I ain't got one of just me and him,
so, er...

Look, when you get back, we'll work
out some kind of routine, you know?

Bit more of a structure to
everything, now that you and Dave
are getting married.

He's not replacing you or nothing,
you know - Dave.

I never thought he was.

No. There's only one
of you, isn't there?

Have a good one.

Cheers, Bryn.
Oh! There you go.

Drive safe. Right, Gav,
see you there.

Ness, let's get you home
and get you married.

See you.

ENGINE STARTS

You all right, mate? Yeah, I'm good.

I'm gonna get a tea. Do you want...
No, I can't.

I really got to get back.
PHONE RINGS

Babe, I'm getting in the car right
now. Just go. Go on. I know.

I really was only five minutes.

Yeah, OK, but I don't see
what the rush is.

We got loads of time.
Nessa's only just left.

OK. ..See you, mate.

ENGINE STARTS

MUSIC: "You Got The Love"
by Florence and the Machine

# Sometimes I feel like
throwing my hands up in the air

# I know I can count on you

# Sometimes I feel like saying,
"Lord, I just don't care"

# But you got the love I need
to see me through

# Sometimes it seems
the going is just too rough

# And things go on no matter
what I do

# Now and then, it seems like
life is just too much

# But you got the love I need
to see me through

# When food is gone,
you are my daily meal

# Oh

# When friends are gone
I know my saviour's love is real

# You know it's real

# You got the love
You got the love... #

Hiya. I gotta talk to you.

TURNS CAR ALARM ON

Babe...

What's the matter? Sorry, Mum.

Stacey, what's going on?
Sit down a minute.

Right.

The thing is, you know
we went to see the...

God! Look, you know how much
we really want...

SHE SIGHS
Gav, I can't... Stace,
what's the matter?

SHE SIGHS HEAVILY
Just tell me.

God... Something's happened.

I don't want to tell you, because...
What?

It's nothing bad. It's...

Oh, my God.

There's 34 of them.

I know it's expensive,
but I wanted to be sure.

You're not cross, are you?
Cross? Why would I be cross?!

You know what this means! Yeah.

I'm pregnant! My balls work!

We're going to have a baby!
My balls work!

My balls work!
SHE LAUGHS

# You got the love... #

This is amazing.

I've got to tell Mum. Not yet. Let's
get the wedding out of the way
first.

GWEN: Stace! Nessa's back.

OK.

I love you so much.

I love you too, baby.

BOTH: It's just the way it is.
PHONE RINGS

Smithy. Oh, Gav, we've got
to get ready. Yeah.

# You got the love
You got the love

# You got the love... #

NEIL GURGLES

Come on, then.

Here she is.

ALL: Ohh!

Ness, you look absolutely gorgeous.

I know. I feels it. And you
definitely want to wear the boots?

Yeah. They're comfy. Why suffer?

Jase?

I've never seen anything
quite like it. Gav?

Speechless. Absolutely speechless.

Tidy. Is Dad here yet?

Yeah. He just pulled up.
He's outside with Bryn.

Right. Let's get this show
on the road.

CAR HORNS HONK REPEATEDLY

Oi! Great place to stop, mate!

Don't know what you're smiling at.

This is all your fault, this.
NEIL COOS

# Sometimes I feel like saying,
"Lord, I just don't care"

# But you got the love I need
to see me through... #

What, and you're travelling
in there as well?

Yeah! I'm the bridesmaid.
I'm going on the beanbag.

It just don't look too safe to me.

It's perfectly safe.

BRYN: Ness, you sure you wouldn't be
safer actually in the car?

No. Bryn, how many times
do you get married in this life?

Twice? Three times?

I wanna do it in style.

Come on, Dad. Help me up.

Oh, Gwen, I want to say something.

Yes, love?

There's a lot of people been asking
if my mother will be there today,

at the wedding, like, and I said,
"Yeah, she will, as it goes.

"Cos my mother's called Gwen."

That's you, not Gwen from Budgens.

Just wanna say thanks for
everything, Gwen.

I'd have been lost, if truth be
told.

Right. Dad, come on. Let's do it.

This is so exciting!

Whoo! Whoo!

How are you? Nice to see you.
Cheers.

Hi, Dave. Cheers, Dor. Go on.
Help yourself to a seat.

Hiya. Hiya, Dave!

Look at you! Cheers, Pam.

Where's your best man? Her name's
Vanessa and she's on her way.

Oh, that's sweet. See you in there.

Yeah, see you in a minute.
Right, Dave.

Hi, Dave. Congratulations.
Cheers, John. Nice to see you.

How was that, then, girls?

Freezing. It was a stupid idea.

Right. Hiya, Ness.
You're looking, er, very lovely.

Everyone's in there all set to go.
Dave's looking handsome as ever.

So, if we're ready,
I'll give him the nod...

No.

I want one final smoke
as a single woman.

Dad?

Go on, then.

Vic? Well, if we've got
a few minutes.

Why not?

OK, we're in Wales now,

which is where you live.

Just because you live here

and your mum's Welsh,

when it comes to football,
you're English, right?

You wanna play for England.

Don't end up like Ryan Giggs.
You'll kick yourself.

MUSIC: "Suddenly"
by Angry Anderson

# See the real me

# And I hope
that you would be the one

# A chance to talk, a chance to grow

# I'll take the risk

# Let my feelings flow

# I found the words

# I need to say

# Suddenly you're seeing me

# Just the way I am

# Suddenly you're hearing me

# So I'm talking
just as fast as I can

# To you... #

All right, Dave?

You look amazing.

Cheers.

We are gathered here today
to witness the marriage between

Vanessa Shanessa Jenkins
and David Lloyd Gooch.

# Now I know that you are mine

# You bring me love... #

And now Michael Shipman will read
David's favourite poem.

"Stop all the clocks

"Cut off the telephone

"Prevent the dog from barking
with a juicy bone

"Silence the pianos
and with muffled drum

"Bring out the coffin
Let the mourners come."

We all have, as it were, our song...

# Suddenly

# Every part of me

# Needs to know... #

If anyone knows any just cause
or impediment

why Vanessa and David should not be
joined together in holy matrimony,

ye are to declare it now.

HE EXHALES
That's always a hairy moment.

DOOR OPENS
Am I too late? No, we're just
getting to the important bit now.

Grab yourself a seat.

Vanessa and David...

No, wait.

Has it happened him and her?
Smithy...

Is it signed? Is it done?
Mate, what are you doing?

DAVE: Come on. This is our day now.

Is there something you wanted
to say? Yeah.

No.

I don't know.

I'm a bit confused, to be honest.

I know what you're all thinking -

like this is some
big romantic gesture,

like I'm declaring my love for her,
or something, but I'm not.

In fact, the weirdest thing is,
if anything,

a lot of the time you repulse me.

THEY GASP
No... Honestly, it's not like that.

I know that doesn't offend her.
It doesn't, does it?

Cos I know you feel exactly
the same about me, right?

Yeah. He's right. A lot of the time,
I find him disgusting.

See?

And yet we have these moments.

These weird moments,
these things in common.

And we've got him.

And if you're marrying Dave just so
you've got a father for your son,

someone to help you and support you
and be around,

I'm saying you've already got that.

Me. I can be those things.

I just think if you're marrying him,

you should do it for the right
reasons.

You should do it cos you love him.

But I don't think you do.

Well? Do you love him, Vanessa?

Do you love David?

Yeah.

I do.

Really?

Yeah.

OK.

DAVE: No, you don't.

Oh, heck. What are you on about?

He's right, Ness.

It breaks my heart to admit it,
but I don't think you do love me.

I think this last year,
I've been kidding myself.

Every time I'd tell you I loved you,
you'd say, "I know."

And I thought you were saying
you loved me too, but you weren't.

You were just saying, "I know."

I know.

No hard feelings, eh, Dave?

It's been a blast, sugar tits.

NESSA: Gav, what time is it?
Famished, I am.

Me too. Are we getting this takeaway
or what?

Yeah, I'll ring 'em now in a minute.

"Now in a minute"?
How can that possibly make sense?

You're either doing it in a minute
or now. It can't be both.

Yeah - I'm gonna ring the Chinese
now in a minute.

That makes sense, doesn't it?

Oh, Stace, I don't care. I just
want you to order the damn Chinese.

All right?
We're deciding on food for tonight.

Yeah. What's occurring?

Ooh! Welsh person!

What? Oh, no!

Forget that even happened.
You're Welsh.

Don't make a big thing out of it.
You are. You're Welsh.

No. Wait. It doesn't make me Welsh
just because I said...

I didn't just say that.
It don't make me Welsh.

I'm telling you...
THEY LAUGH

# Tell me tomorrow
I'll wait by the window for you

# I'll wait by the big house for you

# I'll wait by the squeezebox
for you. #

# Oh, I wish it could be
Christmas every day... #

Gwen, Jason, anyone -

the table should have been
set 37 minutes ago

and the plates are still
at Stacey's!

Argh!

Uncle Bryn? Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Stacey!

Would you kindly inform everyone

that dinner will be
ever so slightly delayed?