Gakkô no kaidan (2000–2001): Season 1, Episode 13 - The Picture that Swallows People - Da Vinci - full transcript
Satsuki accidentally revives an evil spirit known as "Da Vinci" by painting a picture of the old school house and winning an art contest. Da Vinci's power is deadly: whatever he paints has its life sucked away by the painting.
(ominous music)
- Hold still, keep your neck straight.
(laughs) I love that.
God, I just kill me.
Nice rack.
Mind if I make them a
little bigger? (laughs)
Boobies, love boobies.
Nice lips too.
I used to have lips!
(woman screaming)
(singing in Japanese)
(eerie music)
- [Child] Look, Satsuki, you got the gold.
- [Leo] I prefer the angry homoeroticism
of earlier Mapplethorpe,
but this will do in a pinch.
- You could paint anything
and you paint a school?
Weak.
- I know, right?
Hey, wait a minute, what's
that supposed to mean?
- Is that the bell?
- Come back here, you newt.
- [Janitor] I know you all love school
but you need to leave.
- [Children] Okay.
- Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.
- Bye!
- Yeah, yeah.
See you tomorrow.
(eerie music)
(soft music)
- Oh darling, our
daughter got first place,
just like you did 28 years ago.
Just like I got to
first base 28 years ago.
Boo yeah!
- Is that pot?
Dad!
That sounds pretty.
I've never seen a
musical stash box before.
- Hmm?
It's empty.
Haven't had dope in here in weeks.
- I guess that intervention
at Momoko's church worked.
Well, praise the name of the Lord.
- Wow, Satsuki, when I
look at you sometimes,
you look so much like your mother.
- It's the haircut.
It makes me look butch, doesn't it?
- Yeah, very LPGA.
(screams)
Momoko, what is Keiichiro doing?
- No clue.
- Lunch time, BJ?
- I'm in, dude.
- No clue what that's about either.
- That is disgusting.
- Yeah.
- [Girl] Oh my God, that's so gross.
Excuse me.
(gasps)
- You've been vandalized.
- [Satsuki] Taggers.
- They're tough critics.
- That's kinda gross.
(eerie music)
(moaning)
- You guys gotta see what's happening
at the old school house.
Serious, bitch.
- Hope it's Donrush getting beat up again.
- What's going on?
- Maybe it's the art guys.
Oh no.
- Oh hell yeah.
(eerie music)
- [Satsuki] What the hells happening?
- Satsuki, look.
(gasping)
- [Hajime] Gross, aint it?
- I've got the mini version right here.
- Macken breaking.
- Your paintings vandalized
like the building.
Hey, hey, watch your hands, Leo.
- Keep it down, you guys.
This is obviously some kind
of psychical phenomenon.
- Oh yeah.
- Let's follow them and investigate, yeah?
- You are stupid.
- Seek and ye shall find.
- That's what I'm afraid of.
Maybe I should of done a painting
of the last supper with Mary Magdalene
the whore on Jesus' right.
Da Vinci could of been on to something.
- God bless you.
- [Keiichirou] Let's roll.
- I'll stay.
Or not.
- it's probably coming from here.
(eerie ethereal music)
What?
Goddamn kids.
- Is that blood?
- A positive.
Shut up and mop.
- Okay.
Oh, this is water from
the rain leaking in.
There's a big wet stain
here on the ceiling.
This is what the red blood actually is.
- Good, pour some more cans.
I want this cleaned up in an hour.
Put a little blue and it turns purple.
- Purple?
- Get to work!
Artists, I hate kids.
- Spilled paint, lame.
- Most psychical phenomena
are actually people misunderstanding
normal everyday events.
- Like Jesus on tortillas.
- Yeah, that's how it is.
I'm going home to, you know.
- And crying statues of Mary.
These Mexicans will believe anything.
Ay carumba.
- Trying to leave here.
- Mira!
(gasping)
- [Hajime] That's cool.
I mean (screams).
- Hey, the janitor man is
in the painting, you guys.
- [All] What?
(eerie tense music)
(gasping)
- [Hajime] Short bus is right.
- Does this mean what's
happening in real life
is gonna show up in Satsuki's painting?
Could you draw me getting
a nice Jewish girl
in a lap dance?
- [Kaya] Someone call art forum.
- [Satsuki] Kaya!
- Or maybe you should
call child murder weekly.
- I hate you so much.
- Hey, where Momoko go?
- You're right.
Haven't felt the obnoxious
presence of guilt.
- What you do with her, stupid cat?
- Dead artist works are priceless
and ghost artists prices, ca-ching.
- What ghost artist?
- The school house Da Vinci is back.
Some art teacher who wanted
to be Leonardo Da Vinci
but he didn't have the skills.
I mean, this guy was awful.
Bad hair, too.
Any who, critics hated his stuff
so he killed himself.
Loser.
Now he's a ghost
and when he picks a model to paint
by the time the portrait's finished,
the bitch is a goner
and what really sucks about that is,
she's never coming back.
Not as a ghost or a little
angel with pretty wings.
Nothing.
- Not even a ghost?
- That's some powerful spirit.
- This nutcase even has the spooks
at the old schoolhouse spooked
and it's all your fault.
- Why is it all my fault?
- Your mother was the one who put Da Vinci
to spiritual sleep a long time ago.
Good job, you're the one who went
and resurrected him.
- What are you talking about?
I haven't done anything.
(gasping)
Here it is, Da Vinci.
June 29th, I put the evil spirit Da Vinci
to spiritual sleep in
my beautiful painting
but if someone were to paint
the same painting I painted
Da Vinci will probably be reborn.
Oh that is just bull(bleep)
is what that is.
- [Kaya] Isn't it ironic?
Don't you think?
Daughter unwittingly paints the picture
that brings back the ghost mommy vanished.
Someone call Canada.
We need Alanis Morissette, stat!
- I oughta know.
- Hey wait, wasn't Da
Vinci a big Christian, too,
or was it Leonardo?
- They're the same.
- Cue kids to look at painting.
- [All] Yeah.
- [Kaya] Now he seems partial
to beautiful young born against.
Hallelujah.
- Oh no, Momoko.
- Is that Olan Mills?
- Look at that hairdo.
- Hey, that's the window from the art room
next door, you guys.
- [Hajime] Well, how do we put
this Da Vinci guy to sleep?
- Envelop him in incense
smoke and chant this spell.
Oh crap, damn Kool Aid.
Grape flavor stains awful.
I can't read this spell.
- And like any of us
carry incense around, Leo.
- Could of used this last night.
- Hey, it's Himako.
- Well, looky there.
It seems this time even
the ghosts are on your side
or they're just giving
you some really good
Rastafarian incense to ease the pain.
- It's patchouli, I hate patchouli.
Let's go.
Come on, you guys.
- [All] Thunder cats, ho!
- Hold still.
Keep your neck straight.
(laughing) I love that.
That never gets old.
Let's see.
Purple for your hair.
Can't tell this was a goddamn anime.
Oh sorry, my bad.
You're the little born again, aren't you?
I painted your boss once,
he and those 12 dorks he ran with.
They wouldn't sit still.
After it was allover, they stiffed me.
- Would you mind terribly
if we took a little break here?
I'm getting the worst--
- Shut up!
Worse than Peter, that bastard.
Never stopped moving his damn mouth.
Chatty Cathy.
Why do I have to sit next to Judas?
What an apostle.
- Let her go, hairdo.
- Yeah, you ghost Gogan.
- Where'd they go?
- Thank you.
(eerie music)
(shouting)
I'll take that.
Whee!
- Satsuki.
- Satsuki, get up.
- I'm out of here.
(screaming)
(eerie tense music)
- I got to try that.
- Satsuki wait.
- [Keiichirou] Satsuki, don't leave.
(shouting)
- Push harder.
- That hurt my face.
- [Hajime] No good job.
- It looked cool and it
seemed like a good idea
at the time.
Okay, stop trying to look up my skirt.
It's a cartoon.
David Williams.
- [Keiichirou] Satsuki, Satsuki!
- Sorry, Keiichirou.
I really don't think they can hear you.
- [Kaya] Now they've done it.
- Kaya, wait happened,
can you explain it to me?
- Don't ask me.
I look at myself as more of a
postmodern impressionist fan.
(stammering)
Please speak!
It's not my problem.
Us ghosts are just happy
this Da Vinci freak
isn't around to bother us anymore.
- Kaya, wait, don't go.
- Hey, you come back here
you flea bag!
(soft tense music)
- Where the hells the new school house?
We need a phone.
- We're inside you're painting.
I told you should of done a nude.
- I tried and nipples are a bitch
and don't even get me started on hair.
I should of gone Pollack.
Easy.
Hey, where's Momoko?
- Oh yeah, she's the reason
we're in this awful art work.
We should save her now
that we're stuck here.
- You're so loving.
- Oh, so this is where you've been hiding.
Come here.
I've got something to show ya.
Oh ya.
- [Satsuki Voiceover]
This guys got a cute butt.
Something about that bothers me.
- Listen, I just met you.
- Here, check it out.
Look.
- Cool.
- I got it at Walmart.
- And put it in a Tiffany's box?
- Where'd he get those shorts?
- Probably at Old Navy
and sewed a Banana
Republic tag inside them.
Still, people in this
painting are so nice.
(people cheering)
What was that?
- To the bat cave.
(people cheering)
- [Announcer] And they did it.
That Hatsasari move and scores another win
over the (rapid mock Japanese).
- Yeah!
- They dropped a bomb, man.
- Things that make you go boom.
- I saw we celebrate
tonight with some bodies.
- Holy, time machine, batman.
It's 1973.
- Holy pre-Parkinson's Michael J. Fox,
Christopher Lloyd Back to the Future
plot rip off device.
Where's my DeLorean?
- Pre-Parkinson's?
You are so shockingly hateful.
- I don't feel sorry for him.
He was in Light of Day.
(shuddering groan)
- Mom.
- Listen, even the music is a
Back to the Future knockoff.
- I see.
He didn't escape into the painting.
He went back in time
where Mom's painting is.
This isn't inside the
painting after all, Hajime.
My painting and mom's painting
are like the entrance and exit
of a tunnel connecting
the two time periods.
How could I figure this out
without it being in the script?
- Oh, I'm sorry for making you wait, Ray.
Something came up and I have to...
Hello, oh.
- Hello, milf.
- Hey, your name wouldn't be Kayako,
by any chance, would it?
- Yeah, that's me.
Who are you?
- You're so artsy fartsy looking.
I just assumed that was you.
Listen, sister, how 'bout
you tell me about Da Vinci.
- How the hell do you know about that?
- [Satsuki] Wouldn't
believe me if I told you.
Listen, I'm looking for a friend of mine--
- Hey.
- Yeah, can you believe you
won first place with that?
- Someones been messing with my work.
I put that jackass to spiritual sleep.
How'd he wake up?
- If someone does the same painting,
the spiritual sleep ends.
I did the same painting as this
but I have to say, mine
was a little better.
- Oh, great.
- Oops, listen.
About Da Vinci.
That long haired freaks
using Momoko as a model
and I don't know the spell
for the spiritual sleep.
- Got any incense on ya?
Hope so.
I don't want to have to
run all the way home.
Jesus.
What are you looking at?
Move it.
(whimpering)
- [Leo] God, stop it.
You're giving me a headache.
- [Keiichirou] I can't
believe Kaya disappeared.
That's so mean.
(whimpering)
- I need some Advil or some Tylenol.
Shut up!
Hey, hey.
Where'd the painting go?
- It's so pretty and
I love the pine smell.
- The floor's cleaned.
Oh no, the janitor.
(tense music)
I knew it.
- What's the matter?
- The older daughter on
Roseann was a bait and switch.
- Yeah, Becky, everyone knows that.
- Oh yeah.
I hope the janitor hasn't thrown it away.
- What?
(screaming)
- Oh.
- No, not the Bob Ross.
Wait!
- Don't crowd me.
10 to one he's behind the green door.
Damn, that was such a good movie.
- Well, maybe you should
check out Playgirl sometime.
Okay, I'll smoke Da Vinci with incense
and you chant the spell.
- So bossy.
- What are we doing?
- Smoking Da Vinci with incense
while she chants the spell.
God.
- [Hajime] Momoko.
(muffled shouting)
- Shut up, we're coming.
(muffled shouting)
(laughing)
- It's Maria Shriver.
- That's Mrs. Schwarzenegger to you.
- Ah, shut up, Skeletor.
(mock laughing)
- If I had a dollar for
every time someone said that.
The portraits almost finished.
You trying to put me to
sleep or me wrapping this up.
Want to see who's quicker?
I've done caricatures at
Six Flags in my down years.
(laughs)
- Was that the lords prayer?
- If I had a dollar
every time I heard that.
How bout this, you toss the incense,
I'll toss sister Christian.
- Well.
- Motoring.
Oh, I've been waiting
for this day to come,
ever since you put me to spiritual sleep.
You know how boring that's been for me?
- You have got to rethink that hair.
- It's a comb over.
You deal with alopecia for 2,000 years
and see what you look like.
- Hey!
- Slap.
- He bitch slapped her.
- Yeah.
Oh, and thanks for your
little Edward Hopper,
by the way.
Thanks to you painting the same painting,
I was set free.
So I'm gonna check out the
world 28 years from now.
I've been trapped in this
stupid time warp school
so long I've mastered in everything
from shop to home EC.
I hate home EC.
Ironing.
Who gives a (bleep) about ironing?
I mean, who?
Well, now mother and daughter can learn
all about the joys of starch.
Oh, FYI, there's no food in the cafeteria,
by the way.
(muffled shouting)
- [Both] Momoko.
- Hurry, Hajime, help me.
- I'll grab her ass.
- No, let me.
Oh no, I didn't say.
- You get Maria.
- Motoring.
- [Hajime] Stop him, my hands are full.
- [Satsuki] Hurry, Mom.
I mean, girl.
(shouting)
- Damn it.
- Richard Pryor.
- [Leo] Wait, stop!
- What?
(screaming)
- [Leo] Get some water.
- [Keiichirou] Dasani?
- Get some water.
Dasani.
- Took you long enough.
(tense adventurous music)
(grunting)
- Yeah!
Patchouli.
- Ew, what are you a lesbian?
- Paint paint, dry real quick.
Da Vinci is a big fat dick.
Paint paint, dry real quick.
Da Vinci is a big fat dick.
Paint paint, dry real quick.
Da Vinci is a big fat dick.
- No.
(grunting)
No!
(tense music)
- Nice job, kid.
- Back at ya.
- [Ray] Hey, what's going on?
- Hey, Ray, sorry I missed ya.
Had to, nevermind.
- Huh, what's going on here?
I heard some loud noises.
Something happened?
- Nothing important.
Listen, I want you to meet this girl
who looks just like...
Where'd she...
She was just here with this other hot...
I mean, let's go find her.
- Hey, wait.
A girl who looks just like her?
Ooh ya.
- I should leave her a tract.
- Well, we could be here awhile.
How 'bout a little menge a trois?
- How about you say one more thing
so disgusting it makes me want to vomit?
Okay, we got to get out of here
because one of you just farted.
- How are we going to get to our own time?
I have youth group tonight.
- Oh, of course you do.
- Jiminy kittens.
- Huh?
- Hey, can you hear me?
You kids might want to
step back for this one,
it could get a little bit messy.
I'm gonna have to open up a time hole
to get my furry little ass
out of this second rate Wyeth.
(shouting)
(soft music box music)
- Here, hold this.
- I don't want this crap.
- I got it at Walmart.
- Oh, no I need to return this.
He'll get busted.
- Return it?
What the hell are you talking about?
- That's so pretty.
Hey, where are you going?
- Hey, we got a painting to catch.
- If I don't, Mom and
Dad may not get married
and not have me.
- [Both] What?
- Kayako, I can't find her.
Hey, it's my present.
So much for plying her with some bling.
- Kayako will like it.
- Hey.
So you're the chick who looks like Kayako.
Well, hello there.
- I think she'll like it
and may I suggest a subscription
to a reputable male nude magazine?
If she doesn't start liking you,
she's heading for Rosie
O'Donnell's cruise ship.
- What?
She's in love with a guy named Rosie?
- [Hajime] Satsuki, hurry.
The time holes getting
smaller than Leo's penis.
- I'm coming, damn it.
Remember, it's all about the tongue.
Bye.
- What do you mean?
Her tongue or mine?
(shouting)
(soft reflective music)
(shouting)
- All right.
- Hey.
- Satsuki.
- This is no time for smear the queer.
(sobbing)
- There, there Keiichirou,
everything's fine now.
You buying this?
- You smell just like Mom.
- I just saw her.
Why am I telling you?
You'll never get the concept.
- You're right.
- Holy tender vittles.
Mommy's book's got a new edition.
This will bake your muffins.
- It happened November 1st.
This very attractive and mysterious girl,
who looked a lot like me,
helped me put Da Vinci
back to spiritual sleep.
She thought I was attractive.
That is so grossing me out.
I love you, though.
(singing in Japanese)
(eerie tense music)
- [Hajime] Momoko, look out.
- [Leo] We're not gonna make it!
- Hold still, keep your neck straight.
(laughs) I love that.
God, I just kill me.
Nice rack.
Mind if I make them a
little bigger? (laughs)
Boobies, love boobies.
Nice lips too.
I used to have lips!
(woman screaming)
(singing in Japanese)
(eerie music)
- [Child] Look, Satsuki, you got the gold.
- [Leo] I prefer the angry homoeroticism
of earlier Mapplethorpe,
but this will do in a pinch.
- You could paint anything
and you paint a school?
Weak.
- I know, right?
Hey, wait a minute, what's
that supposed to mean?
- Is that the bell?
- Come back here, you newt.
- [Janitor] I know you all love school
but you need to leave.
- [Children] Okay.
- Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.
- Bye!
- Yeah, yeah.
See you tomorrow.
(eerie music)
(soft music)
- Oh darling, our
daughter got first place,
just like you did 28 years ago.
Just like I got to
first base 28 years ago.
Boo yeah!
- Is that pot?
Dad!
That sounds pretty.
I've never seen a
musical stash box before.
- Hmm?
It's empty.
Haven't had dope in here in weeks.
- I guess that intervention
at Momoko's church worked.
Well, praise the name of the Lord.
- Wow, Satsuki, when I
look at you sometimes,
you look so much like your mother.
- It's the haircut.
It makes me look butch, doesn't it?
- Yeah, very LPGA.
(screams)
Momoko, what is Keiichiro doing?
- No clue.
- Lunch time, BJ?
- I'm in, dude.
- No clue what that's about either.
- That is disgusting.
- Yeah.
- [Girl] Oh my God, that's so gross.
Excuse me.
(gasps)
- You've been vandalized.
- [Satsuki] Taggers.
- They're tough critics.
- That's kinda gross.
(eerie music)
(moaning)
- You guys gotta see what's happening
at the old school house.
Serious, bitch.
- Hope it's Donrush getting beat up again.
- What's going on?
- Maybe it's the art guys.
Oh no.
- Oh hell yeah.
(eerie music)
- [Satsuki] What the hells happening?
- Satsuki, look.
(gasping)
- [Hajime] Gross, aint it?
- I've got the mini version right here.
- Macken breaking.
- Your paintings vandalized
like the building.
Hey, hey, watch your hands, Leo.
- Keep it down, you guys.
This is obviously some kind
of psychical phenomenon.
- Oh yeah.
- Let's follow them and investigate, yeah?
- You are stupid.
- Seek and ye shall find.
- That's what I'm afraid of.
Maybe I should of done a painting
of the last supper with Mary Magdalene
the whore on Jesus' right.
Da Vinci could of been on to something.
- God bless you.
- [Keiichirou] Let's roll.
- I'll stay.
Or not.
- it's probably coming from here.
(eerie ethereal music)
What?
Goddamn kids.
- Is that blood?
- A positive.
Shut up and mop.
- Okay.
Oh, this is water from
the rain leaking in.
There's a big wet stain
here on the ceiling.
This is what the red blood actually is.
- Good, pour some more cans.
I want this cleaned up in an hour.
Put a little blue and it turns purple.
- Purple?
- Get to work!
Artists, I hate kids.
- Spilled paint, lame.
- Most psychical phenomena
are actually people misunderstanding
normal everyday events.
- Like Jesus on tortillas.
- Yeah, that's how it is.
I'm going home to, you know.
- And crying statues of Mary.
These Mexicans will believe anything.
Ay carumba.
- Trying to leave here.
- Mira!
(gasping)
- [Hajime] That's cool.
I mean (screams).
- Hey, the janitor man is
in the painting, you guys.
- [All] What?
(eerie tense music)
(gasping)
- [Hajime] Short bus is right.
- Does this mean what's
happening in real life
is gonna show up in Satsuki's painting?
Could you draw me getting
a nice Jewish girl
in a lap dance?
- [Kaya] Someone call art forum.
- [Satsuki] Kaya!
- Or maybe you should
call child murder weekly.
- I hate you so much.
- Hey, where Momoko go?
- You're right.
Haven't felt the obnoxious
presence of guilt.
- What you do with her, stupid cat?
- Dead artist works are priceless
and ghost artists prices, ca-ching.
- What ghost artist?
- The school house Da Vinci is back.
Some art teacher who wanted
to be Leonardo Da Vinci
but he didn't have the skills.
I mean, this guy was awful.
Bad hair, too.
Any who, critics hated his stuff
so he killed himself.
Loser.
Now he's a ghost
and when he picks a model to paint
by the time the portrait's finished,
the bitch is a goner
and what really sucks about that is,
she's never coming back.
Not as a ghost or a little
angel with pretty wings.
Nothing.
- Not even a ghost?
- That's some powerful spirit.
- This nutcase even has the spooks
at the old schoolhouse spooked
and it's all your fault.
- Why is it all my fault?
- Your mother was the one who put Da Vinci
to spiritual sleep a long time ago.
Good job, you're the one who went
and resurrected him.
- What are you talking about?
I haven't done anything.
(gasping)
Here it is, Da Vinci.
June 29th, I put the evil spirit Da Vinci
to spiritual sleep in
my beautiful painting
but if someone were to paint
the same painting I painted
Da Vinci will probably be reborn.
Oh that is just bull(bleep)
is what that is.
- [Kaya] Isn't it ironic?
Don't you think?
Daughter unwittingly paints the picture
that brings back the ghost mommy vanished.
Someone call Canada.
We need Alanis Morissette, stat!
- I oughta know.
- Hey wait, wasn't Da
Vinci a big Christian, too,
or was it Leonardo?
- They're the same.
- Cue kids to look at painting.
- [All] Yeah.
- [Kaya] Now he seems partial
to beautiful young born against.
Hallelujah.
- Oh no, Momoko.
- Is that Olan Mills?
- Look at that hairdo.
- Hey, that's the window from the art room
next door, you guys.
- [Hajime] Well, how do we put
this Da Vinci guy to sleep?
- Envelop him in incense
smoke and chant this spell.
Oh crap, damn Kool Aid.
Grape flavor stains awful.
I can't read this spell.
- And like any of us
carry incense around, Leo.
- Could of used this last night.
- Hey, it's Himako.
- Well, looky there.
It seems this time even
the ghosts are on your side
or they're just giving
you some really good
Rastafarian incense to ease the pain.
- It's patchouli, I hate patchouli.
Let's go.
Come on, you guys.
- [All] Thunder cats, ho!
- Hold still.
Keep your neck straight.
(laughing) I love that.
That never gets old.
Let's see.
Purple for your hair.
Can't tell this was a goddamn anime.
Oh sorry, my bad.
You're the little born again, aren't you?
I painted your boss once,
he and those 12 dorks he ran with.
They wouldn't sit still.
After it was allover, they stiffed me.
- Would you mind terribly
if we took a little break here?
I'm getting the worst--
- Shut up!
Worse than Peter, that bastard.
Never stopped moving his damn mouth.
Chatty Cathy.
Why do I have to sit next to Judas?
What an apostle.
- Let her go, hairdo.
- Yeah, you ghost Gogan.
- Where'd they go?
- Thank you.
(eerie music)
(shouting)
I'll take that.
Whee!
- Satsuki.
- Satsuki, get up.
- I'm out of here.
(screaming)
(eerie tense music)
- I got to try that.
- Satsuki wait.
- [Keiichirou] Satsuki, don't leave.
(shouting)
- Push harder.
- That hurt my face.
- [Hajime] No good job.
- It looked cool and it
seemed like a good idea
at the time.
Okay, stop trying to look up my skirt.
It's a cartoon.
David Williams.
- [Keiichirou] Satsuki, Satsuki!
- Sorry, Keiichirou.
I really don't think they can hear you.
- [Kaya] Now they've done it.
- Kaya, wait happened,
can you explain it to me?
- Don't ask me.
I look at myself as more of a
postmodern impressionist fan.
(stammering)
Please speak!
It's not my problem.
Us ghosts are just happy
this Da Vinci freak
isn't around to bother us anymore.
- Kaya, wait, don't go.
- Hey, you come back here
you flea bag!
(soft tense music)
- Where the hells the new school house?
We need a phone.
- We're inside you're painting.
I told you should of done a nude.
- I tried and nipples are a bitch
and don't even get me started on hair.
I should of gone Pollack.
Easy.
Hey, where's Momoko?
- Oh yeah, she's the reason
we're in this awful art work.
We should save her now
that we're stuck here.
- You're so loving.
- Oh, so this is where you've been hiding.
Come here.
I've got something to show ya.
Oh ya.
- [Satsuki Voiceover]
This guys got a cute butt.
Something about that bothers me.
- Listen, I just met you.
- Here, check it out.
Look.
- Cool.
- I got it at Walmart.
- And put it in a Tiffany's box?
- Where'd he get those shorts?
- Probably at Old Navy
and sewed a Banana
Republic tag inside them.
Still, people in this
painting are so nice.
(people cheering)
What was that?
- To the bat cave.
(people cheering)
- [Announcer] And they did it.
That Hatsasari move and scores another win
over the (rapid mock Japanese).
- Yeah!
- They dropped a bomb, man.
- Things that make you go boom.
- I saw we celebrate
tonight with some bodies.
- Holy, time machine, batman.
It's 1973.
- Holy pre-Parkinson's Michael J. Fox,
Christopher Lloyd Back to the Future
plot rip off device.
Where's my DeLorean?
- Pre-Parkinson's?
You are so shockingly hateful.
- I don't feel sorry for him.
He was in Light of Day.
(shuddering groan)
- Mom.
- Listen, even the music is a
Back to the Future knockoff.
- I see.
He didn't escape into the painting.
He went back in time
where Mom's painting is.
This isn't inside the
painting after all, Hajime.
My painting and mom's painting
are like the entrance and exit
of a tunnel connecting
the two time periods.
How could I figure this out
without it being in the script?
- Oh, I'm sorry for making you wait, Ray.
Something came up and I have to...
Hello, oh.
- Hello, milf.
- Hey, your name wouldn't be Kayako,
by any chance, would it?
- Yeah, that's me.
Who are you?
- You're so artsy fartsy looking.
I just assumed that was you.
Listen, sister, how 'bout
you tell me about Da Vinci.
- How the hell do you know about that?
- [Satsuki] Wouldn't
believe me if I told you.
Listen, I'm looking for a friend of mine--
- Hey.
- Yeah, can you believe you
won first place with that?
- Someones been messing with my work.
I put that jackass to spiritual sleep.
How'd he wake up?
- If someone does the same painting,
the spiritual sleep ends.
I did the same painting as this
but I have to say, mine
was a little better.
- Oh, great.
- Oops, listen.
About Da Vinci.
That long haired freaks
using Momoko as a model
and I don't know the spell
for the spiritual sleep.
- Got any incense on ya?
Hope so.
I don't want to have to
run all the way home.
Jesus.
What are you looking at?
Move it.
(whimpering)
- [Leo] God, stop it.
You're giving me a headache.
- [Keiichirou] I can't
believe Kaya disappeared.
That's so mean.
(whimpering)
- I need some Advil or some Tylenol.
Shut up!
Hey, hey.
Where'd the painting go?
- It's so pretty and
I love the pine smell.
- The floor's cleaned.
Oh no, the janitor.
(tense music)
I knew it.
- What's the matter?
- The older daughter on
Roseann was a bait and switch.
- Yeah, Becky, everyone knows that.
- Oh yeah.
I hope the janitor hasn't thrown it away.
- What?
(screaming)
- Oh.
- No, not the Bob Ross.
Wait!
- Don't crowd me.
10 to one he's behind the green door.
Damn, that was such a good movie.
- Well, maybe you should
check out Playgirl sometime.
Okay, I'll smoke Da Vinci with incense
and you chant the spell.
- So bossy.
- What are we doing?
- Smoking Da Vinci with incense
while she chants the spell.
God.
- [Hajime] Momoko.
(muffled shouting)
- Shut up, we're coming.
(muffled shouting)
(laughing)
- It's Maria Shriver.
- That's Mrs. Schwarzenegger to you.
- Ah, shut up, Skeletor.
(mock laughing)
- If I had a dollar for
every time someone said that.
The portraits almost finished.
You trying to put me to
sleep or me wrapping this up.
Want to see who's quicker?
I've done caricatures at
Six Flags in my down years.
(laughs)
- Was that the lords prayer?
- If I had a dollar
every time I heard that.
How bout this, you toss the incense,
I'll toss sister Christian.
- Well.
- Motoring.
Oh, I've been waiting
for this day to come,
ever since you put me to spiritual sleep.
You know how boring that's been for me?
- You have got to rethink that hair.
- It's a comb over.
You deal with alopecia for 2,000 years
and see what you look like.
- Hey!
- Slap.
- He bitch slapped her.
- Yeah.
Oh, and thanks for your
little Edward Hopper,
by the way.
Thanks to you painting the same painting,
I was set free.
So I'm gonna check out the
world 28 years from now.
I've been trapped in this
stupid time warp school
so long I've mastered in everything
from shop to home EC.
I hate home EC.
Ironing.
Who gives a (bleep) about ironing?
I mean, who?
Well, now mother and daughter can learn
all about the joys of starch.
Oh, FYI, there's no food in the cafeteria,
by the way.
(muffled shouting)
- [Both] Momoko.
- Hurry, Hajime, help me.
- I'll grab her ass.
- No, let me.
Oh no, I didn't say.
- You get Maria.
- Motoring.
- [Hajime] Stop him, my hands are full.
- [Satsuki] Hurry, Mom.
I mean, girl.
(shouting)
- Damn it.
- Richard Pryor.
- [Leo] Wait, stop!
- What?
(screaming)
- [Leo] Get some water.
- [Keiichirou] Dasani?
- Get some water.
Dasani.
- Took you long enough.
(tense adventurous music)
(grunting)
- Yeah!
Patchouli.
- Ew, what are you a lesbian?
- Paint paint, dry real quick.
Da Vinci is a big fat dick.
Paint paint, dry real quick.
Da Vinci is a big fat dick.
Paint paint, dry real quick.
Da Vinci is a big fat dick.
- No.
(grunting)
No!
(tense music)
- Nice job, kid.
- Back at ya.
- [Ray] Hey, what's going on?
- Hey, Ray, sorry I missed ya.
Had to, nevermind.
- Huh, what's going on here?
I heard some loud noises.
Something happened?
- Nothing important.
Listen, I want you to meet this girl
who looks just like...
Where'd she...
She was just here with this other hot...
I mean, let's go find her.
- Hey, wait.
A girl who looks just like her?
Ooh ya.
- I should leave her a tract.
- Well, we could be here awhile.
How 'bout a little menge a trois?
- How about you say one more thing
so disgusting it makes me want to vomit?
Okay, we got to get out of here
because one of you just farted.
- How are we going to get to our own time?
I have youth group tonight.
- Oh, of course you do.
- Jiminy kittens.
- Huh?
- Hey, can you hear me?
You kids might want to
step back for this one,
it could get a little bit messy.
I'm gonna have to open up a time hole
to get my furry little ass
out of this second rate Wyeth.
(shouting)
(soft music box music)
- Here, hold this.
- I don't want this crap.
- I got it at Walmart.
- Oh, no I need to return this.
He'll get busted.
- Return it?
What the hell are you talking about?
- That's so pretty.
Hey, where are you going?
- Hey, we got a painting to catch.
- If I don't, Mom and
Dad may not get married
and not have me.
- [Both] What?
- Kayako, I can't find her.
Hey, it's my present.
So much for plying her with some bling.
- Kayako will like it.
- Hey.
So you're the chick who looks like Kayako.
Well, hello there.
- I think she'll like it
and may I suggest a subscription
to a reputable male nude magazine?
If she doesn't start liking you,
she's heading for Rosie
O'Donnell's cruise ship.
- What?
She's in love with a guy named Rosie?
- [Hajime] Satsuki, hurry.
The time holes getting
smaller than Leo's penis.
- I'm coming, damn it.
Remember, it's all about the tongue.
Bye.
- What do you mean?
Her tongue or mine?
(shouting)
(soft reflective music)
(shouting)
- All right.
- Hey.
- Satsuki.
- This is no time for smear the queer.
(sobbing)
- There, there Keiichirou,
everything's fine now.
You buying this?
- You smell just like Mom.
- I just saw her.
Why am I telling you?
You'll never get the concept.
- You're right.
- Holy tender vittles.
Mommy's book's got a new edition.
This will bake your muffins.
- It happened November 1st.
This very attractive and mysterious girl,
who looked a lot like me,
helped me put Da Vinci
back to spiritual sleep.
She thought I was attractive.
That is so grossing me out.
I love you, though.
(singing in Japanese)
(eerie tense music)
- [Hajime] Momoko, look out.
- [Leo] We're not gonna make it!