Future Man (2017–…): Season 2, Episode 12 - Episode #2.12 - full transcript
Previously, on "Future Man"...
Pointed Circle hit us.
You wound up on your back
courtesy of Wolf and Joosh.
Somehow your former friends
figured out a weakness
- in my code.
- I'm Stu's poison pill.
He's afraid of me.
If my brain is uploaded
- I can crash the whole system.
- There's only one way
to the upload machines:
You're gonna have to get past
the commandos.
Once inside, you're gonna have
to beat the facial recognition scanner.
- I think we'll be just fine.
- The evil robot emperor, Stu,
will unleash his killing machines
if you attack the Mons.
- You're making a huge mistake!
- This is way above
your pay grade, okay? I'm J1.
I'm J1.
- Joosh?
- I'm gonna shut myself down
really quick, and then
I'm gonna upload him anyway
and torture him for all eternity.
- Hoo-ah!
- There's no spaceship!
There's no MARS!
It's all lies!
Release the kill-bots.
Play one of the best new FPS shooters,
search Steam for PROJECT WARLOCK
Move, soldier.
Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com
- They're all dead.
- Not all of them.
I can still hear a few screaming.
Well, at least their suffering's over.
My Cluster.
- Their blood is on my hands.
- It's not your fault.
And on my arms, and my knees,
and my face, and...
Yeah, that's Thimble.
Her blood is just as sweet as she is.
Was.
That sweet blood is on me.
I was blinded by self-pity.
I couldn't see Stu
for what he really was.
El Diablo.
- What are those?
- PSK's.
Personal Suicide Kits.
I mean, our war is lost.
We're holed up in a bunker.
It can't get much lower than this.
Which dot goes on which temple?
- It doesn't matter.
- That's good design.
- Yeah.
- Really?
You guys are throwing in
the towel because of a...
a couple invincible killer robots?
- Yeah, pretty much.
- Yeah, yeah.
Well, 12 million, actually.
Well, that doesn't work for me.
That... that will not be the end
of my story.
Cool, more murder dots for me.
You know, looking back at it,
I think I most regret picking that voice
- when I was 14.
- You really fucking sold it.
Oh, it was exhausting
and ultimately fruitless.
Wish I had spent less time
at the shop and...
- more with Lugnut.
- Where do I start?
I made a lot of bad decisions.
Well, I guess the one that
hurts the most is when I...
stuck my hand in Stu's
brain goo and just even
gave him one flick of pleasure.
Okay, yeah, all right, I...
- I felt a little tingle, too.
- Wait, you saw Stu's brain?
I more than saw it.
- I jobbed it to completion.
- Oh.
- "Komputaboinken."
- How would that even work?
We spent years looking
for Stu's core processor.
If you can lead us to it
then we... we can take Stu down.
It's too well defended.
We'd never get past security.
Unless... unless the system's down.
Guys, just get me as close
as you can to Stu
and then I'll... I'll do my thing.
- I'll fritz him out.
- Yeah, he patched himself,
so any power you had...
it's gone.
That was all I had.
Yeah, but...
we do have this.
There's enough Cameronium here
to level that mountain.
Wolf, you too sad to build a dirty bomb?
Wait, I have a better idea.
- What the...
- That's impossible.
- I saw that blow up.
- A reproduction
reverse-engineered from this one.
You really thought we were
stupid enough to test
experimental fuel on the only
time-travel device
- in existence?
- Yup.
It pretty much informed every decision
I've made since then.
Guys, this is great. This is great.
Okay, so... so what do we do?
We... we jump back to right before
Stu patches himself,
I take out the other me,
I get in his place in line, don't fight
with Jimmy McGurgin,
upload myself, and we now have
a super dead supercomputer, right?
- Mm, probably.
- "Probably."
You just sent me to die
- for a "probably"?
- We were never 100%
that uploading you was gonna work.
Like, 78%.
It was Plan B, but it was
the best plan that we had.
Plan A was always
destroy Stu's core processor.
That's 100%, and now we can do that.
When Stu patched himself
he shut down for 11 seconds.
We jump back to that moment,
all his defenses are down.
We stroll in there, smash that brain.
Too much ground to cover.
We'd never get there in time.
Unless we buy ourselves more time.
When we use the TTD,
we jump in time, but not space.
Thus, if we run 11 seconds,
let's say we get to about here.
If we jump when we're here,
we'd still be in the same exact place,
just 11 seconds earlier, you see?
We can just keep running and jumping,
running and jumping,
running and jumping,
extending our window
for as much time as we need
until we're past Stu's defenses
inside the core processor.
Then, we give him a brain job...
he will never forget.
Because he'll... he'll be dead.
Or he won't remember because he'll be...
- we'll kill him.
- Yeah, I love this plan.
It's a winner.
I'm in... right after this.
God...
Corey!
Oh, I haven't seen you
in, like, a week, man.
I was just to get OJ's car cleaned.
You were right about him.
- He is a great guy.
- Yeah, I told you.
- Yeah, what's up?
- Oh, I need you to do me
- a solid, Blaze.
- Anything.
Cool, cool. Make a quick trip to Utah.
Infiltrate a community where polygamy
is tacitly accepted, marry all these
beautiful people, provide for them,
and, uh, raise this
special little girl, Lugnut,
as if she was your own.
Okay.
So which one's Tugboat?
Of all the places in the world,
right here at OJ's
in 1993 is the safest.
Life will be simpler for you here.
Can't you stay
a little bit longer, fake papa?
Had to secure the Cluster.
I couldn't help but skip
to a few milestones.
I just walked Lugnut down the aisle.
Wolf, you have a time machine.
- Why are you 10 minutes late?
- Oh, sorry.
I'm still on island time.
It was a destination wedding.
Oh, one guess who I booked
to play the reception.
No? No one's the least bit curious
about who I booked to...
Fine. You don't get to know, then.
Okay...
so when we jump, we're gonna
give ourselves enough time
to get into position
inside of Stu's compound.
Then, when he goes to patch himself,
- we make our run.
- Well, here's a little hiccup:
The secret entrance to Stu's compound
is inside the hangar,
so you three are gonna have
to get through there,
avoid Stu, his commandos...
And the other us's. Keep in mind, guys,
"Back to the Future 2" rules
do apply here.
- What?
- Uh, just ignore him.
Wolf.
Fire up the TTD.
I'm not going with you.
These are my people.
I'm their leader.
I can't just leave them here to die.
Their fate is my fate.
God damn it.
_
_
You're gonna have to recruit
the me from three hours ago.
Don't worry, she'll get it.
Okay, guys.
Time to save the world again.
It was Hoobastank.
Stay tight to that HAB unit, soldier.
One hair to the left and you're made.
- We... we can explain.
- Totally get it.
What's your plan
for getting into the hangar?
How many guards you say there were?
- Uh, two.
- Can you show us
- where the guard house is?
- You thinking
- Otter's Mousetrap?
- Only play that makes sense.
Spacecraft will
transport you to a new world.
A world of boundless potential.
A world free from the limitations
- of life on this dying planet.
- Don't look at me!
It's not pretty.
I'm a monster.
Medical emergency.
Thank you.
Sorry, my friend's in there.
You're going to enter...
Once you make it through, you will reach
the antechamber,
where you will be issued
your very own space helmets!
Okay, the hidden hatch to the compound
is on the other side of the hangar.
You're doing great. This is gonna work.
- I knew it would.
- You will then be...
The younger me. So naive, full of hope.
We'll be taking...
Don't let him see you.
I know he can't see anything.
His eyes are swollen shut.
Trust me. All right, we should
- keep moving.
- Get ready to travel
to a brave new world.
Yeah, take a long look
at my disgusting...
You will be pioneers
fulfilling our manifest...
Dick.
Previously unimaginable...
I'd recognize that bulge anywhere.
- Quick, he's on to you.
- What?
- What?
- Uh... uh, no.
Nothing. Uh, sorry.
There's no one... no one's on to you.
It's all... everything's great.
Plan is going... going great.
You're doing great.
No, no, no, something's up.
There's also an
all-you-can-eat taco bar.
on every spacecraft.
Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.
There is someone I would very much like
to formally introduce you to.
- I knew it.
- Hey, buddy.
- We can explain.
- Wait, are you me?
What the fuck is happening here?
- I'm mad at you.
- I know, it's confusing.
Okay, what are you doing? We need her
on that reviewing stand now.
Stu is introducing her.
- Yeah, I'm working on it.
- Who are you talking to?
Ty-Anne. She's great.
You were wrong about everything.
Just give us two seconds
to explain what's going on.
That is what's going on?
That's crazy!
- I ate a nut for nothing?
- N-no, not for nothing.
I mean, you... you are very,
very important.
Yeah, not as important as you.
Well, uh, you're... you're essential.
I mean this whole plan hinges
upon Stu noticing you
and patching himself.
What, so I'm a decoy now?
I am J1!
You cannot make me into a decoy.
Okay, we gotta get Nut-Face Josh back
to the front of the line.
- I'm "Nut-Face Josh" now?
- Son of a...
mm, I gotta label my buttons.
- That's on me.
- She is gonna be here
any minute, and you're gonna love her.
She's great.
Find my girlfriend.
Okay, so long story short,
you're just trying
- to ruin my big day.
- "Your big day"?
Do you hear yourself?
I'm here because I realized
- you/me is a complete idiot.
- You're just jealous.
- You're psychotic.
- Whoa, easy Tigers.
Hey, it's me.
The Wolf from three hours from now.
The Wolf that's finally learned
a few things.
Look, it doesn't matter
if you're a Biotic.
Or a Bio-Tech or...
a filthy, no-good Chope.
All that matters is that you're you.
We've all made mistakes.
I know I'm sorry for how I treated you.
Right now you don't want
to hear the truth, I get it.
I get it, I... I've been there.
Just... just go in peace.
Rejoin your hologram boyfriend
for the pretend MARS launch
just like everything's perfectly normal.
That's all we ask.
I got an idea.
How about you eat the nut
and I take your place?
That's kinda dumb.
You already ate the nut
and your throat's closed.
So is yours!
Okay, you have got
to get her back up there.
- We are out of time.
- Okay, you convinced me.
I'll do it, but only because I care
about what happens to humanity.
- She was gonna rat us out?
- How'd you know?
'Cause I only talk about my feelings
- when I'm lying.
- Quick question:
Are any of you capable
of staying on-mission?
I'm trying...
Listen, man, this mission
is about saving humanity.
- Not about who's J1.
- Yeah, says J1.
- You're too strong.
- Yeah, man.
You too.
You know what? You're right.
It is about number.
The number of people that are gonna die
if you don't get to the front
of that line so that Stu
- can see you.
- So, what?
I'm supposed to just sacrifice myself
and either get murdered
by a bunch of robots
or stuck all alone in this shit timeline
while you and Wolf and Tiger
get all the glory
- and go out and seize the world?
- Hey.
Look, you... you're playing
your part, too.
All right, do... do you think
that those soldiers
that got mowed down on Omaha Beach
are any less important
than the one that smashed
through the Berlin Wall
and killed Hitler?
Do you remember any of their names?
No. Does that matter?
No, because they are
still heroes, and that...
that is why
the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier
is among the most popular tombs
in the entire world.
God damn it, you're good.
Fine, I'll do it.
Hey, brave face.
Close enough.
Go get 'em, soldier.
You're gonna do great.
Thank God.
Okay.
Nut-Face me is back on track.
Give me the 20 on Tiger and Wolf.
Either of you guys seen, uh,
"Weekend at Bernie's"?
Sorry, Achilles.
You sure you can impersonate me?
I don't know, you tell me.
I did that for 20 years.
I think I can drop it down
a register and then feign
some deadness in my eyes.
Come on, is that really
what I sound like?
Yeah, it's pretty good.
Oh, there you are.
I got all... I got all turned around.
Um, could you escort me to my, uh...
Boyfriend.
I've got eyes on RG1.
Repeat, Real Girlfriend 1 is on her way.
Yes!
Okay, just moments away, folks!
Moments away from boarding
the ships and journeying
to a brave new world.
Oh.
My queen.
That suit was designed for your body,
and your body is designing that suit.
Yeah, yeah.
- Um, cool.
- What's wrong?
You... you look like you're
about to throw up.
I'm... no, it's just...
it's the excitement.
It's just... it's all the excitement.
I just can't wait to be
in a place where we can
touch each other, lover.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay, we are in position.
Yeah, the rest is up to Nut-Face You.
Yeah, yeah, don't... he'll be good.
I gave him a very,
very, uh, inspiring speech,
so we're good.
- Cool digs.
- All right!
Jimmy, you're up!
- See you on MARS!
- Not if I see you first.
Love you, Stu.
I got you.
- What is taking so long?
- Don't worry.
Nut-Face Me will come through for us.
Just gotta stay sharp.
Okay, I know you too well.
Something's up.
Stop.
Stop... stop the launch.
I knew it.
Your feet are not toasty.
Okay, it's paused.
- What's going on?
- Um, I...
I just... I think that,
you know, before we go through
with this, um...
what about Ty-Anne?
I mean, we haven't talked
about how you feel leaving her behind.
We should probably
get into that at great length,
right now.
Empathy.
The ability to understand
and share in the emotions
of another, yeah.
- You have that.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
I'm... I'm fine.
- Shall we continue?
- Hold on, hold on.
I mean, what about all the... the years
you've spent together?
Movie night or...
or breakfast for dinner.
The home-school prom, where I'm sure
you were her date and she was just
so fine with that.
You just gonna kind of abandon her now?
You were right.
Everything I did for the past 34 years,
I... I did for her.
And sure, I made some mistakes, but I...
I loved her.
And I never thought I'd be
going through this without her.
- Until we consummated our bond.
- Oh, hmm.
Then I literally flipped
a switch, and Ty-Anne
was dead to me.
- That must have been hard.
- No.
Easy as pi...
to the four-millionth decimal.
It was always about you.
She was a pale imitation.
An experiment gone awry.
- Was she, now?
- Yeah.
And any paternal feelings
I had towards her
have been permanently deleted.
Good talk.
Resume the launch!
Well, then, I'm about
to tell you something
that's gonna be
a pretty big disappointment.
I'm gonna save your life,
I'm gonna save your life,
I'm gonna save your life, and your life,
and your life.
Unknown soldier coming through.
Get behind me.
I got you.
Joosh.
You know, we do have a time machine.
We could go to Medieval Times.
1986, Buena Park, grand opening.
Shit, we're up!
- Uh, ten, nine...
- Go!
Eight, seven, six,
five...
- Four...
- I'm in the middle!
- I'm in the middle!
- Three, two...
hit it, hit it!
Ten, nine,
eight, seven,
six, five...
Four, three,
two, one.
Come on, hit it, hit it, hit it!
- Cool lamp!
- Ten...
Nine, eight,
seven, six, five,
four, three...
hit it, hit it!
- Cool lamp!
- Shit.
Did we know that was gonna happen?
Yeah, yeah. You saw "Time Climbers 3."
- What?
- Oh, it's great.
- Okay, go, go, go.
- Five...
- Four...
- Four...
- Three...
- Hit it, hit it!
Two, one.
Seven, six...
Shit, did we know,
that was gonna happen?
That's gonna get annoying.
What's gonna happen to all of them?
Who cares? They're not us.
Three, two, one.
Hit it, hit it!
There's us's ahead of us!
And behind us!
- Why are we still running?
- Wait, yeah.
- Two, one...
- Hang on a sec.
If they get there first
then we'll still be
in the hallway
when Stu comes back online.
When those turrets come back on,
we do not want to be here.
Can we go?
- Do we have free will?
- Uh, I...
- I think so?
- All right, well,
let's just get the fuck out of here.
No, no, unless the first group fails
and we can make it to the front and...
and then they'll need someone
to take over,
- and that should be us.
- What?
- Fuck you guys.
- What in the shit?
I swear to fuck.
Why don't we just keep running
and jumping?
I mean, won't we get there eventually?
I... I don't know.
See you in 7734, suckers!
Ten...
Nine...
eight...
seven...
six...
five...
four...
three...
Ten...
The fuck?
Okay, we gotta go. We gotta go.
Those doors aren't gonna open!
Yes, they will!
We're out of time!
- Power jump!
- Power jump!
Hoo-ah!
Joosh? Wolf?
Tiger.
But if Tiger's in there...
Hi, Dad.
- Wow, did I underestimate you.
- Do you know how many times
I wanted to quit?
To kill myself?
Do anything but stay with you?
Suddenly it's all worth it.
Um, that hurts.
Tiger...
- I thought you liked me.
- You took advantage of me
when I was emotionally vulnerable.
How else was I gonna get you to like me?
No, no, no, no!
- Wait, wait, wait!
- Stu, it's smasher code, okay?
- Gotta do it.
- Everything I did
I did for you, Tiger!
- And for you, Ty-Anne.
- You're about to murder
- all of humanity.
- Yeah, for you!
Look, I... I know I lied.
I... I know I'm gonna kill
millions of innocent people,
but I am gonna save so many more.
It's called a cost-benefit analysis.
I ran the numbers. Believe me,
- they're on my side.
- Yeah, well, we're not.
I thought humanity was a weakness,
and it turns out that's the only thing
that kept you fighting.
God, everything you endured...
all the odds you overcame,
and you never gave up.
None of you.
My systems never could have
accounted for that.
Because it's fucking absurd!
How did you do it? How?
You filthy shaved apes!
We got the gist, right?
No, no!
No!
Oh, no! No!
I died.
Okay. I mean, it's not as bad
- as I expected.
- Yeah.
A lot more dead yous than dead us's.
To be fair, a lot of them
are mutilated past the point
of recognition, right?
Oh, it's pathetic.
Wolf? What's wrong?
Oh, so it's not so much fun
when it's a room full
of dead yous, huh?
Such a waste of talent.
Down on the ground. You have two seconds
to comply starting...
- now.
- Uh...
- Who the hell are you people?
- You're under arrest
for violating Statute HXB34
of the Santa Clarita County Time Code.
Santa Clarita?
Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com
Pointed Circle hit us.
You wound up on your back
courtesy of Wolf and Joosh.
Somehow your former friends
figured out a weakness
- in my code.
- I'm Stu's poison pill.
He's afraid of me.
If my brain is uploaded
- I can crash the whole system.
- There's only one way
to the upload machines:
You're gonna have to get past
the commandos.
Once inside, you're gonna have
to beat the facial recognition scanner.
- I think we'll be just fine.
- The evil robot emperor, Stu,
will unleash his killing machines
if you attack the Mons.
- You're making a huge mistake!
- This is way above
your pay grade, okay? I'm J1.
I'm J1.
- Joosh?
- I'm gonna shut myself down
really quick, and then
I'm gonna upload him anyway
and torture him for all eternity.
- Hoo-ah!
- There's no spaceship!
There's no MARS!
It's all lies!
Release the kill-bots.
Play one of the best new FPS shooters,
search Steam for PROJECT WARLOCK
Move, soldier.
Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com
- They're all dead.
- Not all of them.
I can still hear a few screaming.
Well, at least their suffering's over.
My Cluster.
- Their blood is on my hands.
- It's not your fault.
And on my arms, and my knees,
and my face, and...
Yeah, that's Thimble.
Her blood is just as sweet as she is.
Was.
That sweet blood is on me.
I was blinded by self-pity.
I couldn't see Stu
for what he really was.
El Diablo.
- What are those?
- PSK's.
Personal Suicide Kits.
I mean, our war is lost.
We're holed up in a bunker.
It can't get much lower than this.
Which dot goes on which temple?
- It doesn't matter.
- That's good design.
- Yeah.
- Really?
You guys are throwing in
the towel because of a...
a couple invincible killer robots?
- Yeah, pretty much.
- Yeah, yeah.
Well, 12 million, actually.
Well, that doesn't work for me.
That... that will not be the end
of my story.
Cool, more murder dots for me.
You know, looking back at it,
I think I most regret picking that voice
- when I was 14.
- You really fucking sold it.
Oh, it was exhausting
and ultimately fruitless.
Wish I had spent less time
at the shop and...
- more with Lugnut.
- Where do I start?
I made a lot of bad decisions.
Well, I guess the one that
hurts the most is when I...
stuck my hand in Stu's
brain goo and just even
gave him one flick of pleasure.
Okay, yeah, all right, I...
- I felt a little tingle, too.
- Wait, you saw Stu's brain?
I more than saw it.
- I jobbed it to completion.
- Oh.
- "Komputaboinken."
- How would that even work?
We spent years looking
for Stu's core processor.
If you can lead us to it
then we... we can take Stu down.
It's too well defended.
We'd never get past security.
Unless... unless the system's down.
Guys, just get me as close
as you can to Stu
and then I'll... I'll do my thing.
- I'll fritz him out.
- Yeah, he patched himself,
so any power you had...
it's gone.
That was all I had.
Yeah, but...
we do have this.
There's enough Cameronium here
to level that mountain.
Wolf, you too sad to build a dirty bomb?
Wait, I have a better idea.
- What the...
- That's impossible.
- I saw that blow up.
- A reproduction
reverse-engineered from this one.
You really thought we were
stupid enough to test
experimental fuel on the only
time-travel device
- in existence?
- Yup.
It pretty much informed every decision
I've made since then.
Guys, this is great. This is great.
Okay, so... so what do we do?
We... we jump back to right before
Stu patches himself,
I take out the other me,
I get in his place in line, don't fight
with Jimmy McGurgin,
upload myself, and we now have
a super dead supercomputer, right?
- Mm, probably.
- "Probably."
You just sent me to die
- for a "probably"?
- We were never 100%
that uploading you was gonna work.
Like, 78%.
It was Plan B, but it was
the best plan that we had.
Plan A was always
destroy Stu's core processor.
That's 100%, and now we can do that.
When Stu patched himself
he shut down for 11 seconds.
We jump back to that moment,
all his defenses are down.
We stroll in there, smash that brain.
Too much ground to cover.
We'd never get there in time.
Unless we buy ourselves more time.
When we use the TTD,
we jump in time, but not space.
Thus, if we run 11 seconds,
let's say we get to about here.
If we jump when we're here,
we'd still be in the same exact place,
just 11 seconds earlier, you see?
We can just keep running and jumping,
running and jumping,
running and jumping,
extending our window
for as much time as we need
until we're past Stu's defenses
inside the core processor.
Then, we give him a brain job...
he will never forget.
Because he'll... he'll be dead.
Or he won't remember because he'll be...
- we'll kill him.
- Yeah, I love this plan.
It's a winner.
I'm in... right after this.
God...
Corey!
Oh, I haven't seen you
in, like, a week, man.
I was just to get OJ's car cleaned.
You were right about him.
- He is a great guy.
- Yeah, I told you.
- Yeah, what's up?
- Oh, I need you to do me
- a solid, Blaze.
- Anything.
Cool, cool. Make a quick trip to Utah.
Infiltrate a community where polygamy
is tacitly accepted, marry all these
beautiful people, provide for them,
and, uh, raise this
special little girl, Lugnut,
as if she was your own.
Okay.
So which one's Tugboat?
Of all the places in the world,
right here at OJ's
in 1993 is the safest.
Life will be simpler for you here.
Can't you stay
a little bit longer, fake papa?
Had to secure the Cluster.
I couldn't help but skip
to a few milestones.
I just walked Lugnut down the aisle.
Wolf, you have a time machine.
- Why are you 10 minutes late?
- Oh, sorry.
I'm still on island time.
It was a destination wedding.
Oh, one guess who I booked
to play the reception.
No? No one's the least bit curious
about who I booked to...
Fine. You don't get to know, then.
Okay...
so when we jump, we're gonna
give ourselves enough time
to get into position
inside of Stu's compound.
Then, when he goes to patch himself,
- we make our run.
- Well, here's a little hiccup:
The secret entrance to Stu's compound
is inside the hangar,
so you three are gonna have
to get through there,
avoid Stu, his commandos...
And the other us's. Keep in mind, guys,
"Back to the Future 2" rules
do apply here.
- What?
- Uh, just ignore him.
Wolf.
Fire up the TTD.
I'm not going with you.
These are my people.
I'm their leader.
I can't just leave them here to die.
Their fate is my fate.
God damn it.
_
_
You're gonna have to recruit
the me from three hours ago.
Don't worry, she'll get it.
Okay, guys.
Time to save the world again.
It was Hoobastank.
Stay tight to that HAB unit, soldier.
One hair to the left and you're made.
- We... we can explain.
- Totally get it.
What's your plan
for getting into the hangar?
How many guards you say there were?
- Uh, two.
- Can you show us
- where the guard house is?
- You thinking
- Otter's Mousetrap?
- Only play that makes sense.
Spacecraft will
transport you to a new world.
A world of boundless potential.
A world free from the limitations
- of life on this dying planet.
- Don't look at me!
It's not pretty.
I'm a monster.
Medical emergency.
Thank you.
Sorry, my friend's in there.
You're going to enter...
Once you make it through, you will reach
the antechamber,
where you will be issued
your very own space helmets!
Okay, the hidden hatch to the compound
is on the other side of the hangar.
You're doing great. This is gonna work.
- I knew it would.
- You will then be...
The younger me. So naive, full of hope.
We'll be taking...
Don't let him see you.
I know he can't see anything.
His eyes are swollen shut.
Trust me. All right, we should
- keep moving.
- Get ready to travel
to a brave new world.
Yeah, take a long look
at my disgusting...
You will be pioneers
fulfilling our manifest...
Dick.
Previously unimaginable...
I'd recognize that bulge anywhere.
- Quick, he's on to you.
- What?
- What?
- Uh... uh, no.
Nothing. Uh, sorry.
There's no one... no one's on to you.
It's all... everything's great.
Plan is going... going great.
You're doing great.
No, no, no, something's up.
There's also an
all-you-can-eat taco bar.
on every spacecraft.
Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.
There is someone I would very much like
to formally introduce you to.
- I knew it.
- Hey, buddy.
- We can explain.
- Wait, are you me?
What the fuck is happening here?
- I'm mad at you.
- I know, it's confusing.
Okay, what are you doing? We need her
on that reviewing stand now.
Stu is introducing her.
- Yeah, I'm working on it.
- Who are you talking to?
Ty-Anne. She's great.
You were wrong about everything.
Just give us two seconds
to explain what's going on.
That is what's going on?
That's crazy!
- I ate a nut for nothing?
- N-no, not for nothing.
I mean, you... you are very,
very important.
Yeah, not as important as you.
Well, uh, you're... you're essential.
I mean this whole plan hinges
upon Stu noticing you
and patching himself.
What, so I'm a decoy now?
I am J1!
You cannot make me into a decoy.
Okay, we gotta get Nut-Face Josh back
to the front of the line.
- I'm "Nut-Face Josh" now?
- Son of a...
mm, I gotta label my buttons.
- That's on me.
- She is gonna be here
any minute, and you're gonna love her.
She's great.
Find my girlfriend.
Okay, so long story short,
you're just trying
- to ruin my big day.
- "Your big day"?
Do you hear yourself?
I'm here because I realized
- you/me is a complete idiot.
- You're just jealous.
- You're psychotic.
- Whoa, easy Tigers.
Hey, it's me.
The Wolf from three hours from now.
The Wolf that's finally learned
a few things.
Look, it doesn't matter
if you're a Biotic.
Or a Bio-Tech or...
a filthy, no-good Chope.
All that matters is that you're you.
We've all made mistakes.
I know I'm sorry for how I treated you.
Right now you don't want
to hear the truth, I get it.
I get it, I... I've been there.
Just... just go in peace.
Rejoin your hologram boyfriend
for the pretend MARS launch
just like everything's perfectly normal.
That's all we ask.
I got an idea.
How about you eat the nut
and I take your place?
That's kinda dumb.
You already ate the nut
and your throat's closed.
So is yours!
Okay, you have got
to get her back up there.
- We are out of time.
- Okay, you convinced me.
I'll do it, but only because I care
about what happens to humanity.
- She was gonna rat us out?
- How'd you know?
'Cause I only talk about my feelings
- when I'm lying.
- Quick question:
Are any of you capable
of staying on-mission?
I'm trying...
Listen, man, this mission
is about saving humanity.
- Not about who's J1.
- Yeah, says J1.
- You're too strong.
- Yeah, man.
You too.
You know what? You're right.
It is about number.
The number of people that are gonna die
if you don't get to the front
of that line so that Stu
- can see you.
- So, what?
I'm supposed to just sacrifice myself
and either get murdered
by a bunch of robots
or stuck all alone in this shit timeline
while you and Wolf and Tiger
get all the glory
- and go out and seize the world?
- Hey.
Look, you... you're playing
your part, too.
All right, do... do you think
that those soldiers
that got mowed down on Omaha Beach
are any less important
than the one that smashed
through the Berlin Wall
and killed Hitler?
Do you remember any of their names?
No. Does that matter?
No, because they are
still heroes, and that...
that is why
the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier
is among the most popular tombs
in the entire world.
God damn it, you're good.
Fine, I'll do it.
Hey, brave face.
Close enough.
Go get 'em, soldier.
You're gonna do great.
Thank God.
Okay.
Nut-Face me is back on track.
Give me the 20 on Tiger and Wolf.
Either of you guys seen, uh,
"Weekend at Bernie's"?
Sorry, Achilles.
You sure you can impersonate me?
I don't know, you tell me.
I did that for 20 years.
I think I can drop it down
a register and then feign
some deadness in my eyes.
Come on, is that really
what I sound like?
Yeah, it's pretty good.
Oh, there you are.
I got all... I got all turned around.
Um, could you escort me to my, uh...
Boyfriend.
I've got eyes on RG1.
Repeat, Real Girlfriend 1 is on her way.
Yes!
Okay, just moments away, folks!
Moments away from boarding
the ships and journeying
to a brave new world.
Oh.
My queen.
That suit was designed for your body,
and your body is designing that suit.
Yeah, yeah.
- Um, cool.
- What's wrong?
You... you look like you're
about to throw up.
I'm... no, it's just...
it's the excitement.
It's just... it's all the excitement.
I just can't wait to be
in a place where we can
touch each other, lover.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay, we are in position.
Yeah, the rest is up to Nut-Face You.
Yeah, yeah, don't... he'll be good.
I gave him a very,
very, uh, inspiring speech,
so we're good.
- Cool digs.
- All right!
Jimmy, you're up!
- See you on MARS!
- Not if I see you first.
Love you, Stu.
I got you.
- What is taking so long?
- Don't worry.
Nut-Face Me will come through for us.
Just gotta stay sharp.
Okay, I know you too well.
Something's up.
Stop.
Stop... stop the launch.
I knew it.
Your feet are not toasty.
Okay, it's paused.
- What's going on?
- Um, I...
I just... I think that,
you know, before we go through
with this, um...
what about Ty-Anne?
I mean, we haven't talked
about how you feel leaving her behind.
We should probably
get into that at great length,
right now.
Empathy.
The ability to understand
and share in the emotions
of another, yeah.
- You have that.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
I'm... I'm fine.
- Shall we continue?
- Hold on, hold on.
I mean, what about all the... the years
you've spent together?
Movie night or...
or breakfast for dinner.
The home-school prom, where I'm sure
you were her date and she was just
so fine with that.
You just gonna kind of abandon her now?
You were right.
Everything I did for the past 34 years,
I... I did for her.
And sure, I made some mistakes, but I...
I loved her.
And I never thought I'd be
going through this without her.
- Until we consummated our bond.
- Oh, hmm.
Then I literally flipped
a switch, and Ty-Anne
was dead to me.
- That must have been hard.
- No.
Easy as pi...
to the four-millionth decimal.
It was always about you.
She was a pale imitation.
An experiment gone awry.
- Was she, now?
- Yeah.
And any paternal feelings
I had towards her
have been permanently deleted.
Good talk.
Resume the launch!
Well, then, I'm about
to tell you something
that's gonna be
a pretty big disappointment.
I'm gonna save your life,
I'm gonna save your life,
I'm gonna save your life, and your life,
and your life.
Unknown soldier coming through.
Get behind me.
I got you.
Joosh.
You know, we do have a time machine.
We could go to Medieval Times.
1986, Buena Park, grand opening.
Shit, we're up!
- Uh, ten, nine...
- Go!
Eight, seven, six,
five...
- Four...
- I'm in the middle!
- I'm in the middle!
- Three, two...
hit it, hit it!
Ten, nine,
eight, seven,
six, five...
Four, three,
two, one.
Come on, hit it, hit it, hit it!
- Cool lamp!
- Ten...
Nine, eight,
seven, six, five,
four, three...
hit it, hit it!
- Cool lamp!
- Shit.
Did we know that was gonna happen?
Yeah, yeah. You saw "Time Climbers 3."
- What?
- Oh, it's great.
- Okay, go, go, go.
- Five...
- Four...
- Four...
- Three...
- Hit it, hit it!
Two, one.
Seven, six...
Shit, did we know,
that was gonna happen?
That's gonna get annoying.
What's gonna happen to all of them?
Who cares? They're not us.
Three, two, one.
Hit it, hit it!
There's us's ahead of us!
And behind us!
- Why are we still running?
- Wait, yeah.
- Two, one...
- Hang on a sec.
If they get there first
then we'll still be
in the hallway
when Stu comes back online.
When those turrets come back on,
we do not want to be here.
Can we go?
- Do we have free will?
- Uh, I...
- I think so?
- All right, well,
let's just get the fuck out of here.
No, no, unless the first group fails
and we can make it to the front and...
and then they'll need someone
to take over,
- and that should be us.
- What?
- Fuck you guys.
- What in the shit?
I swear to fuck.
Why don't we just keep running
and jumping?
I mean, won't we get there eventually?
I... I don't know.
See you in 7734, suckers!
Ten...
Nine...
eight...
seven...
six...
five...
four...
three...
Ten...
The fuck?
Okay, we gotta go. We gotta go.
Those doors aren't gonna open!
Yes, they will!
We're out of time!
- Power jump!
- Power jump!
Hoo-ah!
Joosh? Wolf?
Tiger.
But if Tiger's in there...
Hi, Dad.
- Wow, did I underestimate you.
- Do you know how many times
I wanted to quit?
To kill myself?
Do anything but stay with you?
Suddenly it's all worth it.
Um, that hurts.
Tiger...
- I thought you liked me.
- You took advantage of me
when I was emotionally vulnerable.
How else was I gonna get you to like me?
No, no, no, no!
- Wait, wait, wait!
- Stu, it's smasher code, okay?
- Gotta do it.
- Everything I did
I did for you, Tiger!
- And for you, Ty-Anne.
- You're about to murder
- all of humanity.
- Yeah, for you!
Look, I... I know I lied.
I... I know I'm gonna kill
millions of innocent people,
but I am gonna save so many more.
It's called a cost-benefit analysis.
I ran the numbers. Believe me,
- they're on my side.
- Yeah, well, we're not.
I thought humanity was a weakness,
and it turns out that's the only thing
that kept you fighting.
God, everything you endured...
all the odds you overcame,
and you never gave up.
None of you.
My systems never could have
accounted for that.
Because it's fucking absurd!
How did you do it? How?
You filthy shaved apes!
We got the gist, right?
No, no!
No!
Oh, no! No!
I died.
Okay. I mean, it's not as bad
- as I expected.
- Yeah.
A lot more dead yous than dead us's.
To be fair, a lot of them
are mutilated past the point
of recognition, right?
Oh, it's pathetic.
Wolf? What's wrong?
Oh, so it's not so much fun
when it's a room full
of dead yous, huh?
Such a waste of talent.
Down on the ground. You have two seconds
to comply starting...
- now.
- Uh...
- Who the hell are you people?
- You're under arrest
for violating Statute HXB34
of the Santa Clarita County Time Code.
Santa Clarita?
Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com