Future Man (2017–…): Season 2, Episode 11 - Dia de Los Robots - full transcript
It's the day of the MARS launch. Josh goes on a suicide mission to sneak into Stu's upload machine to shut him down for good.
Previously on "Future Man"...
Earth is dying.
Luc... luc... luckky for us,
the Solar System gave us
a spare planet right next door.
And I'm gonna be
the first b-b-boy on MARS.
Hey, Jimmy.
You excited about the MARS launch?
You bet, Stu.
Check out the new suit.
First boy on MARS!
MARS actually stands for
Mankind's Automated Reality System.
That's where I took you today.
- Will you come with me?
- Sure.
Stu sees humanity as a problem.
This is his solution.
The subject must always
enter the system willingly.
Anyone who refuses to go to MARS
gets killed by this.
He has 12 million of these.
I'm Stu's poison pill.
He's afraid of me.
If my brain is uploaded,
I can crash the whole system.
Stu. Stu, are you okay?
You wanna live or die?
Who are you?
I'm Achilles.
Hey, hey, hey, take it easy.
Take it easy. It's okay.
Take it slow.
Things took a turn for
the unexpected last night.
The Pointed Circle hit us.
They have some kind of weapon,
I don't know what.
But if that's the best they've got,
I'm still standing.
You, on the other hand,
wound up on your back,
courtesy of Wolf and Joosh.
Yeah.
Yeah, they turned on you
something fierce.
And I understand that feeling
of hurt and betrayal
you have right now, because Ty-Anne
turned on me something fierce.
Why is it always the people
closest to you
that hurt you the most?
_
_
_
Ty-Anne.
She must have hit you
with the Span-quilizer.
_
Ty-Anne was too lazy to learn Spanish
when she did her semester
abroad at Barcelona
so I formulated a serum
that bypasses your
ventral and dorsal pathways
and implants the language
instantaneously.
_
She hit you with an immersion dose.
That's a doozy.
You're only going to be able
to speak high Castilian
for the next couple hours.
On the plus side,
once it wears off
you'll be functionally fluent.
_
_
_
Your guess is as good as mine.
Ignorance? Jealousy?
Some part of themselves
that doesn't truly
want to be happy?
Living in the NAG does
strange things to people.
_
_
_
Try not to be too mad at them.
Anger is the lobster trap of emotions.
Very easy to get into,
impossible to get out.
_
_
No. They took their shot.
And they failed.
If they know what's good for them,
they're probably hiding out
in cannibal country by now.
No.
Nothing stops this launch.
I'm sorry you had
to find it out this way,
but this is where you belong.
_
_
_
_
_
_
_
- Sí.
- Sí.
Sí.
Sí.
Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com
There's only one way
to the upload machine
but it ain't gonna be easy, kiddos.
We can use the blind spots
in Stu's surveillance
to get you pretty close to the hangar,
but then you're gonna have
to get past the commandos.
If you manage to do that, once inside,
you're gonna have to beat
the facial recognition scanner,
which you better believe
is gonna be on the lookout
for your adorable little mug.
- Are these glued on, or...
- No. Okay, no.
I touch. You don't.
Okay, I mean, look.
If you're gonna be in my ear
guiding me through the blind spots,
I think we'll be just fine.
What about the commandos
and the scanner?
That's a big wrinkle.
Oh.
Don't you worry about that.
I got that wrinkle so ironed out
it's like a smooth piece of silk.
Okay.
You can't really iron silk.
It will destroy it.
You're not even good at the metaphors.
If you get to the upload machine,
you're 100% gonna die.
Yeah, yeah, no, I got it, okay?
I bring news,
of the bad kind.
The NAG is gearing up
for an all-out war.
The commandos that
Stu sent to abduct Jesus...
It's Josh.
It's just Josh now.
I mean, we know Jesus
does his own thing.
I do my thing, it's...
it's fine, go ahead.
They're calling it an act of war,
a violation of the armistice.
They're being whipped
into a frenzy as we speak.
Oof. I know how easy that is.
Wait, wouldn't that be a good thing?
I mean, an all-out attack on the Mons,
that would definitely, like,
disrupt the launch.
No. It'll just trigger the kill-bots.
Stu will slaughter everyone.
He'd do that just because
his plan didn't go perfectly?
Oh, yeah.
Stu's super petty that way.
Try growing up with it.
Then someone needs to talk
the NAG out of it.
Me being that someone.
Are you sure that's a good idea?
I don't even think you're
welcome inside the NAG.
I'm not, but,
I convinced them to follow me once.
Perhaps I can do it again.
They are extremely sway-able.
But, then again,
they are wildly unpredictable
and have been prone to murdering those
who have done far less, so
it's a tough call.
I've done a lot of wrong
since I've been here, Achilles.
Just give me this one chance
to do something right.
Um...
you know I don't command you.
But I wish you would.
Wow.
Someone looks G to the O to the R
to the G to the E to the O again
to the U to the S.
I know I could have picked
a shorter word
but nothing else would do you justice.
Gracias. Thanks.
Thanks.
Oh, thank God.
That would have gotten
so annoying so fast.
Stu sent me to see if you need anything.
See if you have any questions, concerns.
Make sure your feet are toasty.
Men don't always get it, but we do.
We're just a couple of... human ladies
talking lady stuff.
Lady to lady.
I'm sorry, who are you?
Just call me your lady-in-waiting.
Okay, lady. So...
This?
This on right? Do I have this on right?
You've, it's...
the cerebral port, and you've actually
got it on backwards, it's just, uh...
it's a tricky, just a scooch,
just a... a... oh,
it looks like you got it.
Splendido.
So how you feeling?
Nervous? Excited?
Because, you know, the whole deal is
you gotta want it.
If you're not feeling it,
the upload machine knows.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm feeling it.
Speak now, or...
spend eternity in the frozen void.
Okay, is this where the needle goes?
It's not really a needle.
It's more just a little... little...
Nah, you can call it a needle.
You could call it
a fucking jabby death pointer
for all I care.
Well, then, yes,
that's where
the jabby death pointer goes.
Base of the skull.
It's one of my favorite soft targets.
'Cause if you do it right,
you can make blood come out
all the holes, just
- Fun.
- Yeah.
So no real hang-ups about
shuffling off the old mortal coil?
Eh... no, well, you know,
I have one question.
What happens to, uh, all this,
the, you know, the shell,
when we... upload?
Let's not dwell on the shell.
Chopped up?
Straight ocean dump? Acid baths?
What are we... what are we
looking to get into here?
Well, if you really wanna know,
our bodies will be
tastefully incinerated.
Oh, phew, okay, 'cause
I thought you were
gonna say mass graves.
And here's the problem with mass graves
is that those corpses,
they always find their way
to the Earth's surface
no matter how deep you dig.
_
Right.
Yeah, no, we wouldn't want that.
So you're good.
Never been better.
N-A-G! N-A-G!
What do we want?
Their blood!
How are we gonna get it?
Stab them!
Oh, Pump.
Why'd you have to go and do
that to your beautiful head?
Destroy them!
Don't do it, Pump.
- You're a wheel-maker...
- It's face pirate.
Not a war-maker.
Hey, that's fake Torque.
Look who was gone
and now has come back.
Seize him!
- We're really going.
- Yeah.
Stay tight to that hab unit, soldier.
One hair to the left and you're made.
Gotta tell you, Achilles,
I am loving this suit.
I feel like I'm like, uh, an alternate
for the Jamaican bobsled team.
Not gonna lie, though,
this is a little...
little tight in the crotchal region.
Real, real vacuum seal on
the ol' frank and beans, but...
Yeah, so let's just
keep this channel open
for essential communication, copy?
Copy that and I will comply.
So right there
you just had to say "copy."
No other words necessary.
Running, running, running,
running, running,
- running, running, running...
- Oh, God.
And... I'm in position.
This is as far as we can take you.
You've still got to get past
the facial recognition scanner.
Here goes nothing.
Who are you talking to?
Nobody, I'm just trying to...
I'm trying to psyche myself up.
Oh, God.
The fate of humanity, okay.
Oh, this is gonna suck.
And it was this face pirate
who stole my octocycle!
Two more cranks of the Justice Wheel
for this usurper, please.
I guess I kind of deserve this.
Break him! Break him!
Break him! Break him!
Greetings, Mons dwellers.
Or should I say MARS dwellers?
Today is an historic day for humanity.
Our future awaits
through these very doors.
Once inside,
spacecraft will transport you
to a new world.
A world of boundless potential.
A world free
from the limitations of life
- on this dying planet.
- Don't look at me.
It's not pretty. I'm a monster.
Move!
Medical emergency.
Thank you.
You are going to enter the hangar.
Once you make it through
the queue to the antechamber,
you will be issued with your very own
space helmets!
Oh, pardon, pardon.
You're doing great.
This is gonna work.
I knew it would.
And finally, 40 cranks
for the biggest crime of all:
breaking my heart!
Wait, wait, wait. Wait!
Just hear me out, and...
I don't know.
Turn me right side up.
Sideways.
I'll permit the usurper to be sideways.
Thank you, Your Magnificence.
And great work on this...
extremely painful wheel.
Masterful use of pulleys.
- Yeah.
- You noticed?
It was a collection of ideas
and I brought them together.
Trial and error. There was a lot to it.
It's not just like,
"Whoa, there's the wheel,"
and it's done.
People of the NAG!
Torque Wheelmaker is dead.
He died trying to protect you.
He was a part of a resistance
which even now is fighting
to save your lives.
No, not from climate change.
We all know that's a filthy lie.
But from a very real threat.
Killer robots!
No. Bullshit.
You will then be de-toxified
for our clean journey to the stars.
Oh, shit.
We will be taking none of Earth's
- dangerous organisms with us.
- Looking good!
Get ready to travel
to a brave new world.
Once cleansed of your filthy microbe,
you will be pure and ready...
Bet you're dying to get in there, huh?
For the next phase in human evolution.
Yeah, yeah, you'll get it
once you get in there.
You will be pioneers
fulfilling a manifest destiny
previously unimaginable
to the human mind.
No, couldn't be.
And, uh, there's also
an all-you-can-eat taco bar
on every spacecraft.
Wow, yeah, tacos.
There's a taco bar!
There is someone I would
very, very much like
to formally introduce you to.
Here she is now,
my girlfriend!
Okay.
The evil robot emperor Stu
will unleash his killing machines
if you attack the Mons.
Your sticks, that garbage can lid,
and, uh, you, with the colander.
As effective as those weapons
might be against a human army,
they'll be useless against robots
whose armor plating can resist
even the sharpest of broom handles.
I beg of you.
Stand down. Please.
Let Torque's resistance
carry out their plan.
I know... I know it's hard to trust
a convicted face pirate, but...
you should know that everything I did
I always did to make this NAG better.
Smarter, and...
more sensible.
More tender.
I'm with Wolf.
What...
I'm with Wolf!
I'm with Wolf.
I'm with Wolf!
I'm with Wolf.
Six fingers make the hand stronger.
I'm with...
Pump, you fuck!
I told you it'd work.
Yeah, and I still can't believe it did.
But we're not there yet.
Sorry, thank you.
Uh... really?
Sorry. Sorry.
- Excuse me.
- Come on now.
What are you doing?
Uh, you...
you see my face? I need to go in.
Okay, that's... so?
I've been waiting
my whole damn life for this.
I...
I don't think you understand, okay?
I need to be first.
No, I don't think you understand.
I'm Jimmy fucking McGurgan.
I'm number one on that board.
Okay, uh, listen, Jimmy.
Only one person needs to die today.
And that person's gonna be me.
This is way above your pay grade, okay?
I'm J1.
I'm J1.
The hell you are, McGurgan.
I'm J1.
Nuh-uh.
Okay, tough guy.
You know what? I'll see you in hell.
You better not be on my ship.
- All right.
- You freak.
Unbelievable.
Please be seated so we can begin.
About time.
Whoa.
Huh.
Initiating journey to MARS,
Mankind's Automated Reality System.
What's that now?
In three, two, one.
Idiot.
Adjust for angioedema.
Joosh?
Well, so much for cannibal country.
Should have known he'd never give up.
But why the self-mutilation?
He's the weapon? That's their play?
But why sneak him into the upload?
Quick system check.
Stu!
Stu, it's me! What...
Who's a good boy?
Joosh.
Here?
How are you out of jail
and in my living room?
You open your mouth
one more God damn time
and I'm gonna shove
this holographic boot
down your holographic throat!
Joosh Futturman is my glitch!
I guess they found a weakness.
My humanity.
I guess somewhere within
my human code, or...
or even my subconscious, I'm afraid of
Joosh slash Josh Futturman.
That's a huge breakthrough, Stu.
I'm proud of you for finally
being able to admit it.
It's sweet that you hung onto
the whole being human thing
for as long as you did, but,
let's be honest, you've outgrown it.
- Patch it?
- Patch it!
- I think I'm gonna patch it.
- Patch what?
A little bug in my programming.
The Pointed Circle must have
been poking around
in my system and found it.
I feel so violated.
Somehow your former friends
figured out a weakness in my code.
Oh, Stu. Look, I'm sorry.
- I should have...
- Done nothing differently.
You are perfect just the way you are.
Never change.
Here's what I'm gonna do.
I'm gonna shut myself down really quick.
I'm gonna fix it.
And then, because I know
you want to see him suffer
just as much as I do,
I'm gonna upload him anyway
and torture him for all eternity.
Wait, you can... you can do that?
Yeah, of course.
It's my system.
But when I was in there,
I controlled everything.
Yeah, because I let you.
I love you.
I would do anything for you.
Him, there's no human language
that can describe
what I'm gonna do.
Dante tried,
but trust me, "The Inferno"
is Dave & Buster's
compared to what I can do.
Time to die.
So...
wait, you have complete control over...
everyone and everything in MARS?
Yeah.
You think I'm gonna let people
run around willy-nilly?
It'd be chaos without an administrator.
It's my world. I get to decide.
Trust me, Tiger. It's for the best.
Please be seated so we can begin.
Already... already seated, robot lady.
Ah...
Good people of the Mons!
Before we go any further
with our historic launch,
let us bow our heads
in a moment of silence for the Earth,
the Earth that served us so well
for those many, many years
until we used up all of its resources
and made it permanently uninhabitable.
You were a great mother to us, Earth,
until we outgrew you slash murdered you.
We're so sorry.
And thanks.
Love, humans.
Whoo-ah!
Tiger?
Tiger!
Initiating journey to MARS,
Mankind's Automated Reality System.
- Cool.
- In three, two, one.
You're making a huge mistake!
Silence, you traitorous Cluster!
There's no spaceship!
There's no MARS! It's all lies!
No! Come back!
What... where are you going?
No! What?
You're my girlfriend!
Up there! On the hill!
I don't see any robots!
Get back in line, you shaved apes!
I'm not done with you yet!
Listen to me!
I am your master!
Stu.
You're in the lobster trap.
I don't care.
The rubber bands are off,
the claws are out,
and I'm feeling pinchy!
You stupid meat sacks.
You could have spent eternity
in paradise with me,
your emperor.
You yearn to be ruled
by a benevolent dictator.
Well, you blew it!
Fuck humanity!
What have we done?
Maybe it won't be so bad.
Release the kill-bots.
Oh.
They have robots.
Earth is dying.
Luc... luc... luckky for us,
the Solar System gave us
a spare planet right next door.
And I'm gonna be
the first b-b-boy on MARS.
Hey, Jimmy.
You excited about the MARS launch?
You bet, Stu.
Check out the new suit.
First boy on MARS!
MARS actually stands for
Mankind's Automated Reality System.
That's where I took you today.
- Will you come with me?
- Sure.
Stu sees humanity as a problem.
This is his solution.
The subject must always
enter the system willingly.
Anyone who refuses to go to MARS
gets killed by this.
He has 12 million of these.
I'm Stu's poison pill.
He's afraid of me.
If my brain is uploaded,
I can crash the whole system.
Stu. Stu, are you okay?
You wanna live or die?
Who are you?
I'm Achilles.
Hey, hey, hey, take it easy.
Take it easy. It's okay.
Take it slow.
Things took a turn for
the unexpected last night.
The Pointed Circle hit us.
They have some kind of weapon,
I don't know what.
But if that's the best they've got,
I'm still standing.
You, on the other hand,
wound up on your back,
courtesy of Wolf and Joosh.
Yeah.
Yeah, they turned on you
something fierce.
And I understand that feeling
of hurt and betrayal
you have right now, because Ty-Anne
turned on me something fierce.
Why is it always the people
closest to you
that hurt you the most?
_
_
_
Ty-Anne.
She must have hit you
with the Span-quilizer.
_
Ty-Anne was too lazy to learn Spanish
when she did her semester
abroad at Barcelona
so I formulated a serum
that bypasses your
ventral and dorsal pathways
and implants the language
instantaneously.
_
She hit you with an immersion dose.
That's a doozy.
You're only going to be able
to speak high Castilian
for the next couple hours.
On the plus side,
once it wears off
you'll be functionally fluent.
_
_
_
Your guess is as good as mine.
Ignorance? Jealousy?
Some part of themselves
that doesn't truly
want to be happy?
Living in the NAG does
strange things to people.
_
_
_
Try not to be too mad at them.
Anger is the lobster trap of emotions.
Very easy to get into,
impossible to get out.
_
_
No. They took their shot.
And they failed.
If they know what's good for them,
they're probably hiding out
in cannibal country by now.
No.
Nothing stops this launch.
I'm sorry you had
to find it out this way,
but this is where you belong.
_
_
_
_
_
_
_
- Sí.
- Sí.
Sí.
Sí.
Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com
There's only one way
to the upload machine
but it ain't gonna be easy, kiddos.
We can use the blind spots
in Stu's surveillance
to get you pretty close to the hangar,
but then you're gonna have
to get past the commandos.
If you manage to do that, once inside,
you're gonna have to beat
the facial recognition scanner,
which you better believe
is gonna be on the lookout
for your adorable little mug.
- Are these glued on, or...
- No. Okay, no.
I touch. You don't.
Okay, I mean, look.
If you're gonna be in my ear
guiding me through the blind spots,
I think we'll be just fine.
What about the commandos
and the scanner?
That's a big wrinkle.
Oh.
Don't you worry about that.
I got that wrinkle so ironed out
it's like a smooth piece of silk.
Okay.
You can't really iron silk.
It will destroy it.
You're not even good at the metaphors.
If you get to the upload machine,
you're 100% gonna die.
Yeah, yeah, no, I got it, okay?
I bring news,
of the bad kind.
The NAG is gearing up
for an all-out war.
The commandos that
Stu sent to abduct Jesus...
It's Josh.
It's just Josh now.
I mean, we know Jesus
does his own thing.
I do my thing, it's...
it's fine, go ahead.
They're calling it an act of war,
a violation of the armistice.
They're being whipped
into a frenzy as we speak.
Oof. I know how easy that is.
Wait, wouldn't that be a good thing?
I mean, an all-out attack on the Mons,
that would definitely, like,
disrupt the launch.
No. It'll just trigger the kill-bots.
Stu will slaughter everyone.
He'd do that just because
his plan didn't go perfectly?
Oh, yeah.
Stu's super petty that way.
Try growing up with it.
Then someone needs to talk
the NAG out of it.
Me being that someone.
Are you sure that's a good idea?
I don't even think you're
welcome inside the NAG.
I'm not, but,
I convinced them to follow me once.
Perhaps I can do it again.
They are extremely sway-able.
But, then again,
they are wildly unpredictable
and have been prone to murdering those
who have done far less, so
it's a tough call.
I've done a lot of wrong
since I've been here, Achilles.
Just give me this one chance
to do something right.
Um...
you know I don't command you.
But I wish you would.
Wow.
Someone looks G to the O to the R
to the G to the E to the O again
to the U to the S.
I know I could have picked
a shorter word
but nothing else would do you justice.
Gracias. Thanks.
Thanks.
Oh, thank God.
That would have gotten
so annoying so fast.
Stu sent me to see if you need anything.
See if you have any questions, concerns.
Make sure your feet are toasty.
Men don't always get it, but we do.
We're just a couple of... human ladies
talking lady stuff.
Lady to lady.
I'm sorry, who are you?
Just call me your lady-in-waiting.
Okay, lady. So...
This?
This on right? Do I have this on right?
You've, it's...
the cerebral port, and you've actually
got it on backwards, it's just, uh...
it's a tricky, just a scooch,
just a... a... oh,
it looks like you got it.
Splendido.
So how you feeling?
Nervous? Excited?
Because, you know, the whole deal is
you gotta want it.
If you're not feeling it,
the upload machine knows.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm feeling it.
Speak now, or...
spend eternity in the frozen void.
Okay, is this where the needle goes?
It's not really a needle.
It's more just a little... little...
Nah, you can call it a needle.
You could call it
a fucking jabby death pointer
for all I care.
Well, then, yes,
that's where
the jabby death pointer goes.
Base of the skull.
It's one of my favorite soft targets.
'Cause if you do it right,
you can make blood come out
all the holes, just
- Fun.
- Yeah.
So no real hang-ups about
shuffling off the old mortal coil?
Eh... no, well, you know,
I have one question.
What happens to, uh, all this,
the, you know, the shell,
when we... upload?
Let's not dwell on the shell.
Chopped up?
Straight ocean dump? Acid baths?
What are we... what are we
looking to get into here?
Well, if you really wanna know,
our bodies will be
tastefully incinerated.
Oh, phew, okay, 'cause
I thought you were
gonna say mass graves.
And here's the problem with mass graves
is that those corpses,
they always find their way
to the Earth's surface
no matter how deep you dig.
_
Right.
Yeah, no, we wouldn't want that.
So you're good.
Never been better.
N-A-G! N-A-G!
What do we want?
Their blood!
How are we gonna get it?
Stab them!
Oh, Pump.
Why'd you have to go and do
that to your beautiful head?
Destroy them!
Don't do it, Pump.
- You're a wheel-maker...
- It's face pirate.
Not a war-maker.
Hey, that's fake Torque.
Look who was gone
and now has come back.
Seize him!
- We're really going.
- Yeah.
Stay tight to that hab unit, soldier.
One hair to the left and you're made.
Gotta tell you, Achilles,
I am loving this suit.
I feel like I'm like, uh, an alternate
for the Jamaican bobsled team.
Not gonna lie, though,
this is a little...
little tight in the crotchal region.
Real, real vacuum seal on
the ol' frank and beans, but...
Yeah, so let's just
keep this channel open
for essential communication, copy?
Copy that and I will comply.
So right there
you just had to say "copy."
No other words necessary.
Running, running, running,
running, running,
- running, running, running...
- Oh, God.
And... I'm in position.
This is as far as we can take you.
You've still got to get past
the facial recognition scanner.
Here goes nothing.
Who are you talking to?
Nobody, I'm just trying to...
I'm trying to psyche myself up.
Oh, God.
The fate of humanity, okay.
Oh, this is gonna suck.
And it was this face pirate
who stole my octocycle!
Two more cranks of the Justice Wheel
for this usurper, please.
I guess I kind of deserve this.
Break him! Break him!
Break him! Break him!
Greetings, Mons dwellers.
Or should I say MARS dwellers?
Today is an historic day for humanity.
Our future awaits
through these very doors.
Once inside,
spacecraft will transport you
to a new world.
A world of boundless potential.
A world free
from the limitations of life
- on this dying planet.
- Don't look at me.
It's not pretty. I'm a monster.
Move!
Medical emergency.
Thank you.
You are going to enter the hangar.
Once you make it through
the queue to the antechamber,
you will be issued with your very own
space helmets!
Oh, pardon, pardon.
You're doing great.
This is gonna work.
I knew it would.
And finally, 40 cranks
for the biggest crime of all:
breaking my heart!
Wait, wait, wait. Wait!
Just hear me out, and...
I don't know.
Turn me right side up.
Sideways.
I'll permit the usurper to be sideways.
Thank you, Your Magnificence.
And great work on this...
extremely painful wheel.
Masterful use of pulleys.
- Yeah.
- You noticed?
It was a collection of ideas
and I brought them together.
Trial and error. There was a lot to it.
It's not just like,
"Whoa, there's the wheel,"
and it's done.
People of the NAG!
Torque Wheelmaker is dead.
He died trying to protect you.
He was a part of a resistance
which even now is fighting
to save your lives.
No, not from climate change.
We all know that's a filthy lie.
But from a very real threat.
Killer robots!
No. Bullshit.
You will then be de-toxified
for our clean journey to the stars.
Oh, shit.
We will be taking none of Earth's
- dangerous organisms with us.
- Looking good!
Get ready to travel
to a brave new world.
Once cleansed of your filthy microbe,
you will be pure and ready...
Bet you're dying to get in there, huh?
For the next phase in human evolution.
Yeah, yeah, you'll get it
once you get in there.
You will be pioneers
fulfilling a manifest destiny
previously unimaginable
to the human mind.
No, couldn't be.
And, uh, there's also
an all-you-can-eat taco bar
on every spacecraft.
Wow, yeah, tacos.
There's a taco bar!
There is someone I would
very, very much like
to formally introduce you to.
Here she is now,
my girlfriend!
Okay.
The evil robot emperor Stu
will unleash his killing machines
if you attack the Mons.
Your sticks, that garbage can lid,
and, uh, you, with the colander.
As effective as those weapons
might be against a human army,
they'll be useless against robots
whose armor plating can resist
even the sharpest of broom handles.
I beg of you.
Stand down. Please.
Let Torque's resistance
carry out their plan.
I know... I know it's hard to trust
a convicted face pirate, but...
you should know that everything I did
I always did to make this NAG better.
Smarter, and...
more sensible.
More tender.
I'm with Wolf.
What...
I'm with Wolf!
I'm with Wolf.
I'm with Wolf!
I'm with Wolf.
Six fingers make the hand stronger.
I'm with...
Pump, you fuck!
I told you it'd work.
Yeah, and I still can't believe it did.
But we're not there yet.
Sorry, thank you.
Uh... really?
Sorry. Sorry.
- Excuse me.
- Come on now.
What are you doing?
Uh, you...
you see my face? I need to go in.
Okay, that's... so?
I've been waiting
my whole damn life for this.
I...
I don't think you understand, okay?
I need to be first.
No, I don't think you understand.
I'm Jimmy fucking McGurgan.
I'm number one on that board.
Okay, uh, listen, Jimmy.
Only one person needs to die today.
And that person's gonna be me.
This is way above your pay grade, okay?
I'm J1.
I'm J1.
The hell you are, McGurgan.
I'm J1.
Nuh-uh.
Okay, tough guy.
You know what? I'll see you in hell.
You better not be on my ship.
- All right.
- You freak.
Unbelievable.
Please be seated so we can begin.
About time.
Whoa.
Huh.
Initiating journey to MARS,
Mankind's Automated Reality System.
What's that now?
In three, two, one.
Idiot.
Adjust for angioedema.
Joosh?
Well, so much for cannibal country.
Should have known he'd never give up.
But why the self-mutilation?
He's the weapon? That's their play?
But why sneak him into the upload?
Quick system check.
Stu!
Stu, it's me! What...
Who's a good boy?
Joosh.
Here?
How are you out of jail
and in my living room?
You open your mouth
one more God damn time
and I'm gonna shove
this holographic boot
down your holographic throat!
Joosh Futturman is my glitch!
I guess they found a weakness.
My humanity.
I guess somewhere within
my human code, or...
or even my subconscious, I'm afraid of
Joosh slash Josh Futturman.
That's a huge breakthrough, Stu.
I'm proud of you for finally
being able to admit it.
It's sweet that you hung onto
the whole being human thing
for as long as you did, but,
let's be honest, you've outgrown it.
- Patch it?
- Patch it!
- I think I'm gonna patch it.
- Patch what?
A little bug in my programming.
The Pointed Circle must have
been poking around
in my system and found it.
I feel so violated.
Somehow your former friends
figured out a weakness in my code.
Oh, Stu. Look, I'm sorry.
- I should have...
- Done nothing differently.
You are perfect just the way you are.
Never change.
Here's what I'm gonna do.
I'm gonna shut myself down really quick.
I'm gonna fix it.
And then, because I know
you want to see him suffer
just as much as I do,
I'm gonna upload him anyway
and torture him for all eternity.
Wait, you can... you can do that?
Yeah, of course.
It's my system.
But when I was in there,
I controlled everything.
Yeah, because I let you.
I love you.
I would do anything for you.
Him, there's no human language
that can describe
what I'm gonna do.
Dante tried,
but trust me, "The Inferno"
is Dave & Buster's
compared to what I can do.
Time to die.
So...
wait, you have complete control over...
everyone and everything in MARS?
Yeah.
You think I'm gonna let people
run around willy-nilly?
It'd be chaos without an administrator.
It's my world. I get to decide.
Trust me, Tiger. It's for the best.
Please be seated so we can begin.
Already... already seated, robot lady.
Ah...
Good people of the Mons!
Before we go any further
with our historic launch,
let us bow our heads
in a moment of silence for the Earth,
the Earth that served us so well
for those many, many years
until we used up all of its resources
and made it permanently uninhabitable.
You were a great mother to us, Earth,
until we outgrew you slash murdered you.
We're so sorry.
And thanks.
Love, humans.
Whoo-ah!
Tiger?
Tiger!
Initiating journey to MARS,
Mankind's Automated Reality System.
- Cool.
- In three, two, one.
You're making a huge mistake!
Silence, you traitorous Cluster!
There's no spaceship!
There's no MARS! It's all lies!
No! Come back!
What... where are you going?
No! What?
You're my girlfriend!
Up there! On the hill!
I don't see any robots!
Get back in line, you shaved apes!
I'm not done with you yet!
Listen to me!
I am your master!
Stu.
You're in the lobster trap.
I don't care.
The rubber bands are off,
the claws are out,
and I'm feeling pinchy!
You stupid meat sacks.
You could have spent eternity
in paradise with me,
your emperor.
You yearn to be ruled
by a benevolent dictator.
Well, you blew it!
Fuck humanity!
What have we done?
Maybe it won't be so bad.
Release the kill-bots.
Oh.
They have robots.