Future Man (2017–…): Season 1, Episode 12 - Episode #1.12 - full transcript
Previously on Future Man...
‐Do I know you? ‐I'm J‐‐uh, Joosh.
‐Where's Wolf? ‐He's gone.
(snorting)
Fire in the hole!
(exclaims)
What the fuck did you say to Kronish?
I'm from the future!
That's the Kronitorium,
where the supercure was engineered,
where the Biotics were born.
There's only one way to fix this
and I'm doing it by myself.
Let's get you home, soldier.
Coming back for you, thinking you were our savior?
That was the biggest mistake I've made in my life.
Don't give up on me!
♪
Okay...
(beeping)
Shit.
♪
Sir, can I help you?
Holy shit!
Carl!
♪
Do I know you?
No, I'm‐‐I'm Josh Futterman,
I‐‐I work here.
Should be in the system, I just forgot my ID.
♪
Ow, okay!
♪
All right!
Come back and we'll have you arrested.
Okay, go over there, go over there, please go.
Go away, go away, no, no, no!
Stu!
♪
Did I take your bench?
I'm sorry.
No, Stu, it's me, what...
what are you doing?
The fuck is going on with this timeline?
♪
What the...
♪
Oh, uh, hey hey, JFUTZ!
You're home earls, bro.
How was Macau, you rock that shit?
Trend alert!
I'll have to say goodbye to that leather and mesh, huh?
Hello, retro!
You pull it off great.
How was the tourney?
The crowd looked sick,
like, bigger than BlizzCon,
like, sick, dude.
Yeah, yeah, it was bigger than BlizzCon for sure.
It was crazy, there were so many people.
I'm suffering from jet lag at the moment,
I feel like.
Jet lag‐‐dude, you fly private.
Don't they, like, engineer out the jet lag?
‐Private? ‐Yeah.
Yeah, I think they're‐‐
it's a new technology they're working on,
figuring out‐‐hey, uh, where are my parents?
At the dope‐ass condo you put them in,
where else would they be?
World's Greatest Son alert!
(high‐pitched staccato cackle)
Can you excuse me just a minute?
♪
Where the fuck am I?
♪
Oh...
♪ Life is so strange
when you don't know ♪
♪ How can you tell
where you're going to ♪
♪ You can't be sure
of any situation ♪
♪ Some things will change ♪
‐Oh no. ‐♪ And then you won't know ♪
My name is Joosh.
♪
Ladies and gentlemen, JFUTZ!
Where the fuck am I?
Whoa.
Uncle Barry?
He took my advice!
And took my name.
No way!
Drink JOOSH, biatch!
Hype your thirst, punch your brain!
I think that's a lot of money.
Holy shit, I'm in Ibiza!
Fuck yeah, Joosh.
Oh my...
I have a Bentley.
♪
Engaging rainforest mode.
Whoa.
(water spraying)
Rainforest mode?
My life rules!
(ecstatic laughter)
♪
Oh, hey, don't worry about that.
You don't have to do that, I got somebody to clean
that shit up for me, don't I?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, of course.
♪
Well, uh, we alerted the crew, as per ushe,
but if you're, like, super jet lagged,
we could tell them to fuck off.
What?
No, don't tell them that, I'd love to see the crew,
it'd be great.
‐Okay. ‐Oh, and your bae is getting
back from Japan today.
No way!
Bae's coming back so soon?
Just got an alert this morning that Destiny is en route, bam!
She's coming.
That's amazing.
I hope she's not too tired, though.
We got a lot of catching up to do.
Mark my words.
In six years, Governor Amal Clooney.
‐Oh, politics! ‐No doubt.
(doorbell chimes)
♪
Where the hell have you guys been?
‐The '40s. ‐'90s.
There's gotta be some coke in here somewhere.
So you're telling me that all that happened,
years of your lives,
happened in the time that it took me
to get from the Kronitorium to this house?
Yeah.
I've been here for like 20 minutes.
Time travel's a real mindfuck.
Is that different wallpaper?
You got any coke?
‐No! ‐You think those space pirates
downstairs have a hookup?
First of all, those are my friends,
not space pirates, and second of all,
you need to clean up, Wolf.
Okay, look.
I appreciate the concern,
but I think if I just had a little cocaine,
I'd be able to think straight.
And then I'll quit, I swear.
Crack is fine too, in a pinch.
God, Wolf, the '90s hit you hard.
Okay, enough of this jibber‐jabber.
All right, we gotta skedaddle.
If the Kronitorium exists,
then we don't know how far along Kronish is with the cure.
It might already be out there.
Okay, but we don't even have a TTD.
‐What are we doing to do? ‐Well, we gotta get the skinny
on what we're up against in that building.
Well, I can't even go into the building
and I don't think that you should either.
Catch that berry, catch that berry, whoa!
(Wolf grimaces)
How about this, okay?
How about I stay here, help Wolf get clean,
‐and you can handle the recon. ‐(Wolf retches)
I puked in your Jordans.
Well, it's not going to be pretty.
I mean, this little angel has got the devil up in him.
Oh, I can handle Wolf.
And I know just where to send you.
♪
Oh, lordy!
Oh!
Jeepers creepers!
Those bags, so rascally, I never trust them.
Yeah, they break on me a lot.
Oh, come on, it just expired!
Give me a fucking break.
♪
What, couldn't cut it as a regular cop,
you piece‐of‐shit nobody.
We're going to have to do something about
this dinner mess, aren't we?
♪
(sharp punch)
Freeze!
(gunshot)
♪
Impossible.
♪
Well, this newfangled microwave is just a miracle worker.
I don't how to thank you for this, Ty‐Anne.
I haven't had a home‐cooked meal since...
well, since I lived at home with my mom,
and that was six months ago.
Oh, you hush now, Stu‐bear.
And tell me about this job of yours.
Your boss sounds like a real interesting fellow.
‐Kronish? ‐Mm‐hm.
He's nuts.
Come now, the only thing he's nuts about
is firetrucks and lollies.
Yeah, well, the only thing he cares about now
is protecting his research.
But we don't know what he's doing,
I mean, nobody's seen him in years.
Good heavens.
‐Thanks. ‐Mm‐hm.
He's just holed up on the top floor of our building.
He lives up there, just working day and night.
He must be so lonely.
Yeah, well, if you're into lonely guys...
Uh‐huh.
Anyway, he's crazy secretive.
No computers, no internet connections.
We don't even know what we're working on.
All we know is that live possums go up
and dead possums come down.
So many possums.
Well, geez.
What do you think he's working on?
I don't know.
But apparently, we're going to find out
in two days, because
he called the media and he's going to give
some kind of big announcement.
So it's not too late.
Too late for what?
Well, for my famous Hoppin' John, that's what!
♪
Whoa!
I'm snowboarding down K2!
Oh God!
Now I'm shooting Yetis, what?
This game's amazing.
Of course it is, you developed it, bro.
♪ I was lying on the grass
of Sunday morning of last week ♪
♪ Indulging in my self defeat ♪
♪
♪ My mind was thugged, all laced and bugged,
all twisted wrong and beat ♪
♪ A comfortable three feet deep ♪
♪
♪ I know it's up for me ♪
♪ If you steal my sunshine ♪
♪ Making sure I'm not in too deep ♪
♪ If you steal my sunshine ♪♪
♪
Died pretty fast.
Yeah, that's a tricky level.
Thanks, man.
Oh, God, Josh!
Josh!
Who's Josh?
I'm shitting your bed again.
(Wolf moans)
‐Oh, God, Wolf! ‐Come here.
Come here, please come here.
Please come here, come on, come on, buddy.
I just need a bump and 20 bendy straws.
(weeps)
Wolf, no.
Okay, there's no coke here.
Turns out that JFUTZ's body is a temple.
He's really into clean living and I respect him.
All right, we got super fruits,
we got nut powders,
but no cocaine all right?
Look, buddy.
I mean, try some of this super smoothie,
it'll pick you right up.
Jesus!
Coke!
Coke!
♪
(snoring)
♪
Goodnight, you sweet, sweet, sad little man.
♪
(grunting)
♪
(Wolf exclaims)
♪
Dude.
You should have warned me about OJ.
What happened to the man in this spoon?
♪
Look.
I wrote a book.
Brought you a signed copy, bro.
Your name is Brian?
How did I not know that?
♪
Zog?
Hi, buddy.
You're alive!
Nope.
Stupid!
How did you skateboard up the stairs?
I ollie.
("ollie" echoing)
(grimacing)
I remember that first pickle as if it was yesterday.
Nothing ever tasted that good again
and nothing ever will.
Furla‐wurla!
Oh...
What goes up must come down.
That's Sir Isaac Newton.
(gasps)
I'm sorry for everyone I hurt.
♪
Hey, Wolf.
It's me, Corey.
This song's for you, man.
♪
♪ I don't know my name, I,
I don't know my way, I ♪
♪ Don't recognize myself anymore ♪
♪ I'm lost at sea, I'm
slipping endlessly, I ♪
♪ Resistance is a pale, flickering light ♪
♪ I can't feel it ♪
♪ I can't feel it ♪
♪ Seas of doubt raging, swallow me up ♪
♪ Pain is burning ♪
♪ Flames abandoned ♪
‐♪ Is this soldier... ‐I can taste it.
...really strong enough ♪
I can taste again!
♪ If it takes more of my blood,
I'm going to give it ♪
♪ If it takes more sacrifice,
I'm committed ♪
♪ Rusted sunset of my dreams ♪
♪
♪ Starting over ♪
That's so good.
♪ Yeah ♪♪
Oh, shit, oh my God!
(crowd exults)
♪
Whoo!
Oh my God.
I'm flying through the sky.
I'm so high!
Oh, sh‐‐
Skrills.
I was just about to stick my landing in Snowpocalypse.
Oh hey, it's you.
Uh, you want to try, it's really fun.
We have another apocalypse to deal with.
Kronish is two days away from releasing the cure.
We need to kill Kronish, destroy his research,
and blow up the Kronitorium.
This is our only chance.
Wow, so we're going, like, full‐on T2.
Judgment Day.
Arnold was a frequent customer at Wolf Arts
and a good friend.
Oh, man.
We had some sexcapades.
Okay.
This mission, I mean, it calls for
a much bigger kill team, but
this is all we have, so...
we're going to have to train you up.
Okay.
Um...
athletic stance,
start sparring with one of you guys, or...
(chuckling)
Spar, no...I think we'll‐‐
I think we'll have you start with someone
of your own skill level.
(Josh exclaims)
What the hell is that?
I do not know why you have this,
but she was on your doorstep, and, um,
she'll do.
So let's begin.
♪
(Josh grunts)
Come on, you're being defeated by a charge slave.
♪ Where's the streetwise Hercules
to fight the rising odds? ♪
♪
‐Oh, I just grazed boob. ‐Suck it up.
Okay, all right, time out, time out!
Again, again, again.
♪ I toss and I turn ♪
♪ And I dream of what I need ♪
Yield, yield, yield, yield!
This...is so stupid.
I can't learn to fight in a day.
Show me nose‐to‐brain.
Okay, okay.
♪
♪ I need a hero ♪
(Josh exclaims)
Okay, that's something.
Yeah, that something's going to come in real handy
after I get shot a hundred times.
You can't get shot, you're essential
‐to this mission. ‐In order to take down
the building, we need to simultaneously detonate bombs
in three strategic locations.
Okay.
Well, where am I during all of that?
At one of the strategic locations.
We're the bombs.
What do you mean, we're the bombs?
What, like suicide vests?
Well, we could do belts but vests hold more.
Yeah, that's a true fact.
No!
No, that cannot be the plan.
Fine, we'll do belts.
‐Jesus Christ. ‐No.
Look, I cannot be a part of this, all right?
Well, with only two soldiers and you,
‐it's our only option. ‐No!
Whatever you guys need to do, you have to find another plan
to save the world.
Joosh out.
You can't quit on us now.
Look, I am no savior.
‐You're the reason we're here. ‐Yeah.
And you said it was the worst decision
of your entire life.
I said that years ago.
‐You said that this morning. ‐Time travel is fucked up.
Look, everything that I have tried to do
has just made stuff worse.
Okay, can't you see, I am not cut out for this.
We can't make you do this.
You have to want to do this.
You have to need to do this.
Without conviction, there's no self‐detonation.
Thank you
for your service, Future Man.
♪
You're letting him go?
He's already gone.
I hope you stick whatever landing you're looking for.
♪
Wow.
She's really nice now.
I know what you're thinking.
Why race into a burning building
when I already live in a fireproof palace?
No, I wasn't thinking that.
Well, I used to hide in a palace of my own,
but as someone who's been to hell and back,
I'll tell you this.
There is one downside to cocaine addiction.
It takes most of the day to kick it,
so you lose the day.
Second...
♪
none of this is real.
Your house, your lifestyle, your friends.
It's all an illusion.
♪
Wolf.
Wolf!
Look, somehow,
fucking up this mission made my life amazing.
Okay, don't you get it?
In this timeline, where I never played The Biotic Wars,
everything is better.
This is the universe telling me to stop.
No.
This is fear preventing you from becoming a legend.
♪
So you just get the other stuff
and then we'll just‐‐
‐Hey, guys. ‐Hey!
Where'd everybody go?
Uh, Shaun White was doing some sort of fondue thing,
so everyone hit that up.
Oh.
Hey, you don't have to do that,
I got somebody to take care of it, I told you.
Yeah, us.
That's the deal.
You okay, boss?
You been acting like kind of strange
since you got back.
Yeah, we saw you upstairs
kind of kicking the shit out of Destiny,
I didn't want to ask, but...
That...that doll's name is Destiny?
‐Oh yeah, that's her name. ‐Yeah.
‐That's my bae? ‐Yeah.
No judgment, you know, you're the man, JFUTZ.
So the place is all clean
and I have a plan to celebrate my birthday
with a couple friends, so going to boogie, all right?
Yeah.
You guys work for me.
Yeah.
We do‐‐what... what's going on, man?
♪
‐All right. ‐We good?
‐We're out. ‐Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm good.
♪
‐This is not a sweet condo. ‐You've got a lot of nerve
showing up here, mister.
Dad, what‐‐what is this place?
Very funny, you're a wisenheimer now?
Why are you even here?
I'm here to see you and Mom.
Oh, you're full of them today, you're a regular comedian.
You know what?
You're funnier than the entertainment
they have in this prison,
which is no entertainment at all.
We can't even get cable!
Cable, the thing no one even wants anymore.
Wait, Dad, wait, where's Mom?
She didn't want to talk to you and I don't blame her.
That house was going to be yours one day.
It's the Futterman house,
but you just couldn't wait, could you?
I'm‐‐I'm sorry.
Dad, that‐‐that wasn't me.
It's my fault.
We never should have named you Joosh.
You were made fun of as a kid and it hardened your heart.
But we were inspired by that Latino fellow
that threw up on my carpet
‐and introduced us. ‐The Latino thing again?
It doesn't matter.
You're more JFUTZ than Joosh now.
No.
No, no, no, I'm Joosh‐‐
I'm the same sweet Joosh that you remember, Dad.
You got a court order declaring us
mentally incompetent
and putting us in this place.
You don't get to call me "Dad" anymore.
(coins clinking)
Here, let me, let me‐‐
I don't want your money,
dirty money that corrupted you.
You used to play video games for fun.
Then you got a taste of success
and the hangers‐on started rushing in,
and you liked it.
I was never popular as a kid.
You had two best friends, me and your mom,
but that wasn't good enough for you.
Oh, great.
I punched turkey chili, it gave me split pea.
Okay, look, just go get Mom and let's go home.
‐No. ‐Come on.
Let it go‐‐ oh, Jesus Christ!
Great, there goes the dinner I didn't even want.
You know what, just get the hell out of here.
Get out, do I have to call security?
Do I need to kick your ass?
It's what I should have done years ago, get out of here.
Go!
Get the fuck out.
♪
(sighs)
♪
(rainforest sounds)
(gasps)
♪
JFUTZ.
(chuckle)
Who sent you?
Bamboo union?
Ghost Shadows?
Who?
Clone assassin?
It's brilliant.
‐Leave it to the Triads. ‐I'm‐‐I'm...
wait, what?
Hachi machi!
They told me it was impossible.
Hey, eyes up here!
You're an asshole.
How could you do that to our parents?
"Our" parents?
Don't try to get in my head, clone.
You tell your bosses I ain't throwing no tournaments.
There's a little thing called integrity
when it comes to e‐sports.
Doesn't matter how much they try to intimidate me.
‐And that thing is intimidating. ‐Dude.
I‐I'm not your clone assassin.
I'm from another timeline, only where I come from,
I have this dick but I'm not a dick.
Nice line, fake me.
But I've been up for 39 hours straight
and I'm still going strong.
(slurping)
Oh God.
(clattering)
I would probably cut back on the JOOSH, Joosh.
It's JFUTZ, bitch.
(gasps)
(sharp thud)
Ow!
Did you just slap my nose?
‐(stammers) ‐Oh‐ho‐ho.
Big mistake!
(sharp crack)
♪
(gasps)
I killed JFUTZ!
All right.
You think you can handle this much C‐4, soldier?
Well, as long as we're working together,
there's no amount of ammonium chlorate
‐I can't carry. ‐All right.
‐Let's get to it. ‐Guys.
Guys, stop, stop, stop, stop.
Josh, out of our way.
We got a tower to take down.
Look, I'm here to help.
Okay, I was wrong.
I‐‐I belong with you guys here in this sewer
and not in some fireproof palace.
Sweet callback.
Look, I'm in this with you guys.
Till the end.
Okay.
I'm gonna whip you up a C‐4 belt.
No‐‐no, no, no.
We don't have to die.
I've got a plan.
♪
How is this possible?
So in this timeline,
the one where I never worked at Kronish,
the one where I never played The Biotic Wars,
no one has beaten this game.
I Bloogled it on my Blapple.
So?
So‐‐so that means that there's another version of you two
in the future,
waiting to come back for me.
Guys.
This is an entirely different reality.
Your whole team can still be alive.
♪
Look, all I have to do is go and beat the game again
and we get another Tiger and another Wolf
and who knows who else.
No, it'll just be us.
They'll all die in the tunnel...
again.
Groundhog Day.
Andie MacDowell.
‐I hit that. ‐No.
They don't have to die.
We can send them a message
through the game,
tell them to go a different way.
You guys, we can get the entire team back.
Mongoose, Butterfly, Owl,
before he got that brainworm thing.
Myrm.
He was myrmed.
Yes.
How would you guys like
a pre‐myrm Owl?
♪
"Avoid‐The‐Tunnel."
See?
Now the future yous will take a different way in.
Play the Death Bridge.
They should be so lucky.
I'm Tiger.
This is Wolf.
You're our newest recruit.
Come fight.
Welcome to the Resistance.
Let's fuck this place up.
Murder everyone!
Break their bodies!
♪ A hero till the end of the night ♪
Juice me, juice me!
(slurping)
Certified organic by Orient Health.
♪ I need a hero ♪
Blow them back to hell!
Everyone's going to be peckish when they arrive.
Don't want to give them palate shock,
so best stick to simple hors d'oeuvres.
Don't know how I'm going to do that
without a melon baller, but I suppose I'll make do.
Make it rain blood!
You got any crème fraîche?
Uh, no.
♪ ...and it's got to be soon,
and he's got to be larger than life ♪
♪ I need a hero ♪♪
Level 83.
All I have to do
is shed all of my armor and weapons,
take the secret passageway past the Jizzadrian kill squad,
dodge those perfs,
that leads directly to the big boss.
Okay, Dr. Genocide, slit his evil throat.
Hit the detonator,
slide down the fire tube without being burned alive,
all before the kill scraper
explodes.
♪
Congratulations.
You've achieved the ranking of savior.
All right, it should work, that's it.
You‐‐you think I made enough food?
You know what, I don't,
but I didn't want to say anything, Wolf.
All right, there's like a little bit of lag time,
but it'll happen any moment now.
Okay, we need to back up.
There are about to be 45 bloodthirsty warriors
up in this piece.
♪
♪
‐Do I know you? ‐I'm J‐‐uh, Joosh.
‐Where's Wolf? ‐He's gone.
(snorting)
Fire in the hole!
(exclaims)
What the fuck did you say to Kronish?
I'm from the future!
That's the Kronitorium,
where the supercure was engineered,
where the Biotics were born.
There's only one way to fix this
and I'm doing it by myself.
Let's get you home, soldier.
Coming back for you, thinking you were our savior?
That was the biggest mistake I've made in my life.
Don't give up on me!
♪
Okay...
(beeping)
Shit.
♪
Sir, can I help you?
Holy shit!
Carl!
♪
Do I know you?
No, I'm‐‐I'm Josh Futterman,
I‐‐I work here.
Should be in the system, I just forgot my ID.
♪
Ow, okay!
♪
All right!
Come back and we'll have you arrested.
Okay, go over there, go over there, please go.
Go away, go away, no, no, no!
Stu!
♪
Did I take your bench?
I'm sorry.
No, Stu, it's me, what...
what are you doing?
The fuck is going on with this timeline?
♪
What the...
♪
Oh, uh, hey hey, JFUTZ!
You're home earls, bro.
How was Macau, you rock that shit?
Trend alert!
I'll have to say goodbye to that leather and mesh, huh?
Hello, retro!
You pull it off great.
How was the tourney?
The crowd looked sick,
like, bigger than BlizzCon,
like, sick, dude.
Yeah, yeah, it was bigger than BlizzCon for sure.
It was crazy, there were so many people.
I'm suffering from jet lag at the moment,
I feel like.
Jet lag‐‐dude, you fly private.
Don't they, like, engineer out the jet lag?
‐Private? ‐Yeah.
Yeah, I think they're‐‐
it's a new technology they're working on,
figuring out‐‐hey, uh, where are my parents?
At the dope‐ass condo you put them in,
where else would they be?
World's Greatest Son alert!
(high‐pitched staccato cackle)
Can you excuse me just a minute?
♪
Where the fuck am I?
♪
Oh...
♪ Life is so strange
when you don't know ♪
♪ How can you tell
where you're going to ♪
♪ You can't be sure
of any situation ♪
♪ Some things will change ♪
‐Oh no. ‐♪ And then you won't know ♪
My name is Joosh.
♪
Ladies and gentlemen, JFUTZ!
Where the fuck am I?
Whoa.
Uncle Barry?
He took my advice!
And took my name.
No way!
Drink JOOSH, biatch!
Hype your thirst, punch your brain!
I think that's a lot of money.
Holy shit, I'm in Ibiza!
Fuck yeah, Joosh.
Oh my...
I have a Bentley.
♪
Engaging rainforest mode.
Whoa.
(water spraying)
Rainforest mode?
My life rules!
(ecstatic laughter)
♪
Oh, hey, don't worry about that.
You don't have to do that, I got somebody to clean
that shit up for me, don't I?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, of course.
♪
Well, uh, we alerted the crew, as per ushe,
but if you're, like, super jet lagged,
we could tell them to fuck off.
What?
No, don't tell them that, I'd love to see the crew,
it'd be great.
‐Okay. ‐Oh, and your bae is getting
back from Japan today.
No way!
Bae's coming back so soon?
Just got an alert this morning that Destiny is en route, bam!
She's coming.
That's amazing.
I hope she's not too tired, though.
We got a lot of catching up to do.
Mark my words.
In six years, Governor Amal Clooney.
‐Oh, politics! ‐No doubt.
(doorbell chimes)
♪
Where the hell have you guys been?
‐The '40s. ‐'90s.
There's gotta be some coke in here somewhere.
So you're telling me that all that happened,
years of your lives,
happened in the time that it took me
to get from the Kronitorium to this house?
Yeah.
I've been here for like 20 minutes.
Time travel's a real mindfuck.
Is that different wallpaper?
You got any coke?
‐No! ‐You think those space pirates
downstairs have a hookup?
First of all, those are my friends,
not space pirates, and second of all,
you need to clean up, Wolf.
Okay, look.
I appreciate the concern,
but I think if I just had a little cocaine,
I'd be able to think straight.
And then I'll quit, I swear.
Crack is fine too, in a pinch.
God, Wolf, the '90s hit you hard.
Okay, enough of this jibber‐jabber.
All right, we gotta skedaddle.
If the Kronitorium exists,
then we don't know how far along Kronish is with the cure.
It might already be out there.
Okay, but we don't even have a TTD.
‐What are we doing to do? ‐Well, we gotta get the skinny
on what we're up against in that building.
Well, I can't even go into the building
and I don't think that you should either.
Catch that berry, catch that berry, whoa!
(Wolf grimaces)
How about this, okay?
How about I stay here, help Wolf get clean,
‐and you can handle the recon. ‐(Wolf retches)
I puked in your Jordans.
Well, it's not going to be pretty.
I mean, this little angel has got the devil up in him.
Oh, I can handle Wolf.
And I know just where to send you.
♪
Oh, lordy!
Oh!
Jeepers creepers!
Those bags, so rascally, I never trust them.
Yeah, they break on me a lot.
Oh, come on, it just expired!
Give me a fucking break.
♪
What, couldn't cut it as a regular cop,
you piece‐of‐shit nobody.
We're going to have to do something about
this dinner mess, aren't we?
♪
(sharp punch)
Freeze!
(gunshot)
♪
Impossible.
♪
Well, this newfangled microwave is just a miracle worker.
I don't how to thank you for this, Ty‐Anne.
I haven't had a home‐cooked meal since...
well, since I lived at home with my mom,
and that was six months ago.
Oh, you hush now, Stu‐bear.
And tell me about this job of yours.
Your boss sounds like a real interesting fellow.
‐Kronish? ‐Mm‐hm.
He's nuts.
Come now, the only thing he's nuts about
is firetrucks and lollies.
Yeah, well, the only thing he cares about now
is protecting his research.
But we don't know what he's doing,
I mean, nobody's seen him in years.
Good heavens.
‐Thanks. ‐Mm‐hm.
He's just holed up on the top floor of our building.
He lives up there, just working day and night.
He must be so lonely.
Yeah, well, if you're into lonely guys...
Uh‐huh.
Anyway, he's crazy secretive.
No computers, no internet connections.
We don't even know what we're working on.
All we know is that live possums go up
and dead possums come down.
So many possums.
Well, geez.
What do you think he's working on?
I don't know.
But apparently, we're going to find out
in two days, because
he called the media and he's going to give
some kind of big announcement.
So it's not too late.
Too late for what?
Well, for my famous Hoppin' John, that's what!
♪
Whoa!
I'm snowboarding down K2!
Oh God!
Now I'm shooting Yetis, what?
This game's amazing.
Of course it is, you developed it, bro.
♪ I was lying on the grass
of Sunday morning of last week ♪
♪ Indulging in my self defeat ♪
♪
♪ My mind was thugged, all laced and bugged,
all twisted wrong and beat ♪
♪ A comfortable three feet deep ♪
♪
♪ I know it's up for me ♪
♪ If you steal my sunshine ♪
♪ Making sure I'm not in too deep ♪
♪ If you steal my sunshine ♪♪
♪
Died pretty fast.
Yeah, that's a tricky level.
Thanks, man.
Oh, God, Josh!
Josh!
Who's Josh?
I'm shitting your bed again.
(Wolf moans)
‐Oh, God, Wolf! ‐Come here.
Come here, please come here.
Please come here, come on, come on, buddy.
I just need a bump and 20 bendy straws.
(weeps)
Wolf, no.
Okay, there's no coke here.
Turns out that JFUTZ's body is a temple.
He's really into clean living and I respect him.
All right, we got super fruits,
we got nut powders,
but no cocaine all right?
Look, buddy.
I mean, try some of this super smoothie,
it'll pick you right up.
Jesus!
Coke!
Coke!
♪
(snoring)
♪
Goodnight, you sweet, sweet, sad little man.
♪
(grunting)
♪
(Wolf exclaims)
♪
Dude.
You should have warned me about OJ.
What happened to the man in this spoon?
♪
Look.
I wrote a book.
Brought you a signed copy, bro.
Your name is Brian?
How did I not know that?
♪
Zog?
Hi, buddy.
You're alive!
Nope.
Stupid!
How did you skateboard up the stairs?
I ollie.
("ollie" echoing)
(grimacing)
I remember that first pickle as if it was yesterday.
Nothing ever tasted that good again
and nothing ever will.
Furla‐wurla!
Oh...
What goes up must come down.
That's Sir Isaac Newton.
(gasps)
I'm sorry for everyone I hurt.
♪
Hey, Wolf.
It's me, Corey.
This song's for you, man.
♪
♪ I don't know my name, I,
I don't know my way, I ♪
♪ Don't recognize myself anymore ♪
♪ I'm lost at sea, I'm
slipping endlessly, I ♪
♪ Resistance is a pale, flickering light ♪
♪ I can't feel it ♪
♪ I can't feel it ♪
♪ Seas of doubt raging, swallow me up ♪
♪ Pain is burning ♪
♪ Flames abandoned ♪
‐♪ Is this soldier... ‐I can taste it.
...really strong enough ♪
I can taste again!
♪ If it takes more of my blood,
I'm going to give it ♪
♪ If it takes more sacrifice,
I'm committed ♪
♪ Rusted sunset of my dreams ♪
♪
♪ Starting over ♪
That's so good.
♪ Yeah ♪♪
Oh, shit, oh my God!
(crowd exults)
♪
Whoo!
Oh my God.
I'm flying through the sky.
I'm so high!
Oh, sh‐‐
Skrills.
I was just about to stick my landing in Snowpocalypse.
Oh hey, it's you.
Uh, you want to try, it's really fun.
We have another apocalypse to deal with.
Kronish is two days away from releasing the cure.
We need to kill Kronish, destroy his research,
and blow up the Kronitorium.
This is our only chance.
Wow, so we're going, like, full‐on T2.
Judgment Day.
Arnold was a frequent customer at Wolf Arts
and a good friend.
Oh, man.
We had some sexcapades.
Okay.
This mission, I mean, it calls for
a much bigger kill team, but
this is all we have, so...
we're going to have to train you up.
Okay.
Um...
athletic stance,
start sparring with one of you guys, or...
(chuckling)
Spar, no...I think we'll‐‐
I think we'll have you start with someone
of your own skill level.
(Josh exclaims)
What the hell is that?
I do not know why you have this,
but she was on your doorstep, and, um,
she'll do.
So let's begin.
♪
(Josh grunts)
Come on, you're being defeated by a charge slave.
♪ Where's the streetwise Hercules
to fight the rising odds? ♪
♪
‐Oh, I just grazed boob. ‐Suck it up.
Okay, all right, time out, time out!
Again, again, again.
♪ I toss and I turn ♪
♪ And I dream of what I need ♪
Yield, yield, yield, yield!
This...is so stupid.
I can't learn to fight in a day.
Show me nose‐to‐brain.
Okay, okay.
♪
♪ I need a hero ♪
(Josh exclaims)
Okay, that's something.
Yeah, that something's going to come in real handy
after I get shot a hundred times.
You can't get shot, you're essential
‐to this mission. ‐In order to take down
the building, we need to simultaneously detonate bombs
in three strategic locations.
Okay.
Well, where am I during all of that?
At one of the strategic locations.
We're the bombs.
What do you mean, we're the bombs?
What, like suicide vests?
Well, we could do belts but vests hold more.
Yeah, that's a true fact.
No!
No, that cannot be the plan.
Fine, we'll do belts.
‐Jesus Christ. ‐No.
Look, I cannot be a part of this, all right?
Well, with only two soldiers and you,
‐it's our only option. ‐No!
Whatever you guys need to do, you have to find another plan
to save the world.
Joosh out.
You can't quit on us now.
Look, I am no savior.
‐You're the reason we're here. ‐Yeah.
And you said it was the worst decision
of your entire life.
I said that years ago.
‐You said that this morning. ‐Time travel is fucked up.
Look, everything that I have tried to do
has just made stuff worse.
Okay, can't you see, I am not cut out for this.
We can't make you do this.
You have to want to do this.
You have to need to do this.
Without conviction, there's no self‐detonation.
Thank you
for your service, Future Man.
♪
You're letting him go?
He's already gone.
I hope you stick whatever landing you're looking for.
♪
Wow.
She's really nice now.
I know what you're thinking.
Why race into a burning building
when I already live in a fireproof palace?
No, I wasn't thinking that.
Well, I used to hide in a palace of my own,
but as someone who's been to hell and back,
I'll tell you this.
There is one downside to cocaine addiction.
It takes most of the day to kick it,
so you lose the day.
Second...
♪
none of this is real.
Your house, your lifestyle, your friends.
It's all an illusion.
♪
Wolf.
Wolf!
Look, somehow,
fucking up this mission made my life amazing.
Okay, don't you get it?
In this timeline, where I never played The Biotic Wars,
everything is better.
This is the universe telling me to stop.
No.
This is fear preventing you from becoming a legend.
♪
So you just get the other stuff
and then we'll just‐‐
‐Hey, guys. ‐Hey!
Where'd everybody go?
Uh, Shaun White was doing some sort of fondue thing,
so everyone hit that up.
Oh.
Hey, you don't have to do that,
I got somebody to take care of it, I told you.
Yeah, us.
That's the deal.
You okay, boss?
You been acting like kind of strange
since you got back.
Yeah, we saw you upstairs
kind of kicking the shit out of Destiny,
I didn't want to ask, but...
That...that doll's name is Destiny?
‐Oh yeah, that's her name. ‐Yeah.
‐That's my bae? ‐Yeah.
No judgment, you know, you're the man, JFUTZ.
So the place is all clean
and I have a plan to celebrate my birthday
with a couple friends, so going to boogie, all right?
Yeah.
You guys work for me.
Yeah.
We do‐‐what... what's going on, man?
♪
‐All right. ‐We good?
‐We're out. ‐Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm good.
♪
‐This is not a sweet condo. ‐You've got a lot of nerve
showing up here, mister.
Dad, what‐‐what is this place?
Very funny, you're a wisenheimer now?
Why are you even here?
I'm here to see you and Mom.
Oh, you're full of them today, you're a regular comedian.
You know what?
You're funnier than the entertainment
they have in this prison,
which is no entertainment at all.
We can't even get cable!
Cable, the thing no one even wants anymore.
Wait, Dad, wait, where's Mom?
She didn't want to talk to you and I don't blame her.
That house was going to be yours one day.
It's the Futterman house,
but you just couldn't wait, could you?
I'm‐‐I'm sorry.
Dad, that‐‐that wasn't me.
It's my fault.
We never should have named you Joosh.
You were made fun of as a kid and it hardened your heart.
But we were inspired by that Latino fellow
that threw up on my carpet
‐and introduced us. ‐The Latino thing again?
It doesn't matter.
You're more JFUTZ than Joosh now.
No.
No, no, no, I'm Joosh‐‐
I'm the same sweet Joosh that you remember, Dad.
You got a court order declaring us
mentally incompetent
and putting us in this place.
You don't get to call me "Dad" anymore.
(coins clinking)
Here, let me, let me‐‐
I don't want your money,
dirty money that corrupted you.
You used to play video games for fun.
Then you got a taste of success
and the hangers‐on started rushing in,
and you liked it.
I was never popular as a kid.
You had two best friends, me and your mom,
but that wasn't good enough for you.
Oh, great.
I punched turkey chili, it gave me split pea.
Okay, look, just go get Mom and let's go home.
‐No. ‐Come on.
Let it go‐‐ oh, Jesus Christ!
Great, there goes the dinner I didn't even want.
You know what, just get the hell out of here.
Get out, do I have to call security?
Do I need to kick your ass?
It's what I should have done years ago, get out of here.
Go!
Get the fuck out.
♪
(sighs)
♪
(rainforest sounds)
(gasps)
♪
JFUTZ.
(chuckle)
Who sent you?
Bamboo union?
Ghost Shadows?
Who?
Clone assassin?
It's brilliant.
‐Leave it to the Triads. ‐I'm‐‐I'm...
wait, what?
Hachi machi!
They told me it was impossible.
Hey, eyes up here!
You're an asshole.
How could you do that to our parents?
"Our" parents?
Don't try to get in my head, clone.
You tell your bosses I ain't throwing no tournaments.
There's a little thing called integrity
when it comes to e‐sports.
Doesn't matter how much they try to intimidate me.
‐And that thing is intimidating. ‐Dude.
I‐I'm not your clone assassin.
I'm from another timeline, only where I come from,
I have this dick but I'm not a dick.
Nice line, fake me.
But I've been up for 39 hours straight
and I'm still going strong.
(slurping)
Oh God.
(clattering)
I would probably cut back on the JOOSH, Joosh.
It's JFUTZ, bitch.
(gasps)
(sharp thud)
Ow!
Did you just slap my nose?
‐(stammers) ‐Oh‐ho‐ho.
Big mistake!
(sharp crack)
♪
(gasps)
I killed JFUTZ!
All right.
You think you can handle this much C‐4, soldier?
Well, as long as we're working together,
there's no amount of ammonium chlorate
‐I can't carry. ‐All right.
‐Let's get to it. ‐Guys.
Guys, stop, stop, stop, stop.
Josh, out of our way.
We got a tower to take down.
Look, I'm here to help.
Okay, I was wrong.
I‐‐I belong with you guys here in this sewer
and not in some fireproof palace.
Sweet callback.
Look, I'm in this with you guys.
Till the end.
Okay.
I'm gonna whip you up a C‐4 belt.
No‐‐no, no, no.
We don't have to die.
I've got a plan.
♪
How is this possible?
So in this timeline,
the one where I never worked at Kronish,
the one where I never played The Biotic Wars,
no one has beaten this game.
I Bloogled it on my Blapple.
So?
So‐‐so that means that there's another version of you two
in the future,
waiting to come back for me.
Guys.
This is an entirely different reality.
Your whole team can still be alive.
♪
Look, all I have to do is go and beat the game again
and we get another Tiger and another Wolf
and who knows who else.
No, it'll just be us.
They'll all die in the tunnel...
again.
Groundhog Day.
Andie MacDowell.
‐I hit that. ‐No.
They don't have to die.
We can send them a message
through the game,
tell them to go a different way.
You guys, we can get the entire team back.
Mongoose, Butterfly, Owl,
before he got that brainworm thing.
Myrm.
He was myrmed.
Yes.
How would you guys like
a pre‐myrm Owl?
♪
"Avoid‐The‐Tunnel."
See?
Now the future yous will take a different way in.
Play the Death Bridge.
They should be so lucky.
I'm Tiger.
This is Wolf.
You're our newest recruit.
Come fight.
Welcome to the Resistance.
Let's fuck this place up.
Murder everyone!
Break their bodies!
♪ A hero till the end of the night ♪
Juice me, juice me!
(slurping)
Certified organic by Orient Health.
♪ I need a hero ♪
Blow them back to hell!
Everyone's going to be peckish when they arrive.
Don't want to give them palate shock,
so best stick to simple hors d'oeuvres.
Don't know how I'm going to do that
without a melon baller, but I suppose I'll make do.
Make it rain blood!
You got any crème fraîche?
Uh, no.
♪ ...and it's got to be soon,
and he's got to be larger than life ♪
♪ I need a hero ♪♪
Level 83.
All I have to do
is shed all of my armor and weapons,
take the secret passageway past the Jizzadrian kill squad,
dodge those perfs,
that leads directly to the big boss.
Okay, Dr. Genocide, slit his evil throat.
Hit the detonator,
slide down the fire tube without being burned alive,
all before the kill scraper
explodes.
♪
Congratulations.
You've achieved the ranking of savior.
All right, it should work, that's it.
You‐‐you think I made enough food?
You know what, I don't,
but I didn't want to say anything, Wolf.
All right, there's like a little bit of lag time,
but it'll happen any moment now.
Okay, we need to back up.
There are about to be 45 bloodthirsty warriors
up in this piece.
♪
♪