Futurama (1999–2013): Season 3, Episode 7 - The Day the Earth Stood Stupid - full transcript

One, two! One, two, three!

Is Nibbler stoked
for the big pet show?

He oughta be, with all the strict
training I've been putting him through.

Nibbler, roll over,
and you get a ham.

Roll over.
Roll over for the ham.

You are so adorable.
Who wants a ham?

Zooka barooka!

First prize is $500
and a year's supply of dog food!

Five hundred dollars, you say?

Dog food, you say?

Man, that dog's gonna be hard to beat.



Look at him bring in the sheep.

- One sheep, two sheep...
- Three sheep.

The dog's good.

But our real competition
is the hypno-toad.

Your turn, Nibbler honey.
Herd those sheep!

Come on, Nibbler!

Ma'am, I have a late entry.

My hard-shelled whooping terrier,
Mr. Zoidberg.

Faster! Faster!

Oh!

Ow.

Suck in that gut!
You want to be spayed?

Ahh.

Silence, you cur!
Puff out that brisket.



##

I should be weeping!
I'm not weeping!

I love these things!

Shake paws, Nibbler.
Come on. Shake.

He might be a little hungry.
Shake, boy!

Usually he's had more ham by now.
Shake!

Third prize, a party-sized
keg of guinea pigs...

goes to Dave Spiegel...

and his owner, Fluffers.

Second prize, this lovely afghan
made from an Afghan...

goes to Bender
and his whooping terrier!

Second place?
That's a fancy word for losing!

You... didn't...
stick your landing!

- Forgive me, my friend.
- Never!

And before we announce
the winner...

we have a special award
for a first-time contestant...

Ms. Leela and her mystery pet, Nibbler.

Me? Award?

Him? Me? Good?

That's just the kind of eloquence
you'd expect from the owner of...

Dumbest Pet in Show!

And the grand-prize winner...

The hypno-toad.

All glory to the hypno-toad.

Maybe they're right.
Maybe Nibbler is dumb.

Don't listen to them!

People said I was dumb,
but I proved them.

Good news, everyone!

We were supposed to make a delivery
to the planet Tweenis 12...

but it's been completely destroyed.

- Why is that good news?
- They paid in advance.

Excuse me.

This is mighty strange.

First the civilization
of Space Rome collapsed...

then Don Martin III
went kerflooey...

and now Tweenis 12.

- Looks like this planet is next in line.
- That's Earth.

- The planet we live on?
- I'd hate to be those guys.

- Ooh!
- What's got into him?

He's twitching like Zoidberg
when someone mentions the word "food."

What now?

No! Nibbler, come back!

Too bad Nibbler's not around.

I guess I'll have to eat
this raw, dripping ham by myself.

Nibbler?

Nibbler, you're scaring me.

Nibbler!

Am I going crazy?

Have my years of wild hedonism
finally caught up with me?

Nibbler, help!
Don't leave me here!

Uh, Nibbler, could you scooch
the seat upjust a little bit?

- Leela back yet?
- Fry, help me! My heart stopped beating!

- You don't have a heart. You're a robot.
- Sure. Right.

Robot. Oh, Fry,
my skin's all dry and clanky!

Well, yeah.
Robots are made of metal.

Am I a robot?

If this is some kind of scam, I don't get it.
You already have my power of attorney.

Fry!
My skin!

Ow! Ow! Ow!

I'm a genius. Ow! Ow!

Dr. Zoidberg, why is everyone
acting so weird?

Zoidbee want balloon.
Want balloon now!

Zoidbee want go outside!

Ah, I just let you back in!

This is unbelievable.

I thought you were a furry little moron,
but here you are flying an adorable spaceship.

If only you could talk.

Wait! I understood that.

You say you're transmitting
your thoughts directly to my brain?

Yeah.

You say those awful flying brains
are making everyone on Earth stupid?

Oh! Stupider.

And you go on to say that
we're headed for your home planet...

where your race has lived
since the beginning of the universe?

So, how did the universe begin?

Then the meaning of existence...

So every religion is wrong!

##

You fell. Hi!

Today some bad things happened.

One bad thing was
a train got crashed in New Jersey.

Want to see?

People won't be late for work, though,
because the governor lady said...

"I'm sending in more trains."

Wait for me!

Morbo can't understand
his teleprompter.

He forgot how you say that letter
that looks like a man with a hat.

It's a "T." It goes "tuh."

Hello, little man.
I will destroy you!

Man, even the newsmonster
is acting strange.

- What are we gonna do?
- Duh. I know!

- Let's play the lottery!
- No! Let's buy Internet stock.

On margin!
Zoidbee wanna buy on margin.

Look at me! I'm invisible.

Wait a minute. I know what's going on here.
You've all become idiots!

Hey, let's all join the Reform Party!

Oh, yeah!

Welcome back, Lord Nibbler, Ambassador
to Earth, home world of the pizza bagel.

Thank you. I bear
many receipts for reimbursement.

The four welcomes a friendship
to you as well, Leela.

We shall manipulate your mind, so we
appear to be speaking your language.

- Do not be afraid, my child.
- I'm not afraid.

Uh, good. Good.

So your real name is Lord Nibbler?
That's a coincidence.

That name is for your sake.

In the time it would take to pronounce
one letter of my true name...

a trillion cosmoses would flare into
existence and sink into eternal night.

Oh, you're all so cute!

No, we're not. We Nibblonians
are an ancient and powerful race.

Behold... When the universe was forged
in the crucible of the big bang...

our mighty race
was already 17 years old.

Aww!

For the first millisecond of time,
things were okay...

but then there arose a terrible enemy...
the Brain Spawn.

Ever since, we have waged
unceasing war...

against these dreadful...

- Lunch is ready.
- Then let the feast of a thousand hams begin!

So why are these Brain Spawn
attacking Earth, Nibbler?

The Brain Spawn hate
all consciousness.

The thoughts of others screech
at them like the forced laughs...

of a billion art-house movie patrons.

Thus they travel from world to world,
making everyone stupid...

in order to wipe out
all thought in the universe.

Wipe out all thought? My God!
They're like flying televisions!

And even we are powerless
to stop them...

fearsome though we are.

There is but one being
who can resist them...

a child of destiny whose bizarre
brain-wave pattern...

makes him immune
to the Brain Spawn attack.

He is the hope of the universe.

The fate of your world...
perhaps all worlds...

rests in his special mind.

Now, when you say "special..."

Attention, New New Yorkers!

Stop acting so stupid!

Nibblonian fleet holding at
perimeter of Moron Zone, formerly known as Earth.

Why would Fry be immune
to the flying brains?

Because he doesn't shower?

The Brain Spawn suppress intelligence
by attacking the delta brain wave.

Every animal and robot
in the universe generates this wave...

as do certain trees.

Fry, however, does not.

Somehow he has cobbled together a
random assortment of other brain waves...

into a working mind.

Like a prom dress made
from carpet remnants.

Yes, like your prom dress.

The Brain Spawn are commanded
by a giant, evil brain...

with a gooey center of pure hate.

Only Fry, with his superior
yet inferior mind, can approach it.

You must tell him to disable it.
We will do the rest.

- You can count on me.
- No, we can't.

Once on Earth, you will be too stupid
to remember the message.

That's why we wrote it down for you.

We've also prepared a bag lunch
and some mittens.

Time to reeducate you dunce bags.
We'll start with U.S. Presidents.

This was our first president,
George Washington.

Let's review.
Who was our first president?

Um...

- A pickle jar?
- Thomas Jefferson?

Leela! I've been so worried!
Are you a bonehead?

I have to tell...

must... important... something.

Whoa, whoa. Slow down.
You're going a mile a minute.

This! You for this.

Thanks!

No!

Ow! Fire hot!

The professie will help.

Fire indeed hot!

Oh! Chester A. Arthur fall down.

Brain!
Brain make people dumb.

No, Leela.
Brain make people smart.

You go fight biggest brain of all.

Even bigger than those?
Holy nuts! Where is it?

- I don't know.
- Hmm.

A giant brain
is basically a giant nerd...

and where would a giant nerd be?

The library!

Pathetic human race.

Arranging their knowledge by category
just made it easier to absorb.

Dewey, you fool! Your decimal system
has played right into my hands.

- What do you want?
- I'm here to kick your ass!

Wishful thinking.

We have long since evolved
beyond the need for asses.

Odd. My stupefaction field is having
no effect on your ability to think.

That's right! I think you'll find that
a little knowledge is a dangerous thing!

Okay.
Better think of a new plan.

Come on, Fry. Think.
Thinking. Thinking.

Stop that!

Hey, thinking hurts him.
Maybe I can think of a way to use that.

Aha! Prepare to be thought at!

- Leela, give me a topic.
- Duh!

Seriously. I can't think of anything.

I gotta find something
to make me think.

Hardy Boys. Too easy.
Nancy Drew. Too hard.

Ah! Perfect.
Bonfire of the Vanities!

No! It's unbearable!

The brains are weakening.
Nibblonians to Nibble stations.

Prepare Cuddle Bug for deployment
in 40 nibblets.

Sometimes I fear we are cute.

Oh, niggle-snoosh!

Take that! And that!

This sentence I don't understand,
but take this one!

You have not won yet.

Each book in this room is a gateway
to a mental realm...

and I shall take you there
and imprison you forever!

Icky!

Where are we?

A gold doubloon to the man
who first spies the white whale.

- Big whale over there!
- Arr! I saw it first.

Wait! That no white whale.
It gray thinkie whale.

Queequeg, let go of me.
I have to kill it!

Farewell!

You will all be trapped
in this dense symbolist tome...

forever!

- Huh?
- Follow him! It's our only way out.

Excuse me.
Have you seen a giant brain?

Yep. I let him help me
whitewash Aunt Polly's fence.

Tom Sawyer, you tricked me.

This is less fun
than previously indicated.

Let this corny slice of Americana
be your tomb for all eternity.

- Please, no!
- Come on!

Mr. Fry, Mama tells us you're quite
the oddity. A bachelor at your age.

You think I'm an oddity?
Wait till you see...

Presenting the most eligible
landowner in all Hartfordshire...

Mr. Brainley.

I'm a gigantic brain!

- I say!
- Most ungentleman-like!

Mr. Brainley, what news have you
of the London season?

- Well...
- Hey, brainey! Think fast!

I always think fast.

The whale...
he be white now!

Ow!

Leela, I've got an idea.
Stay here with Queequeg.

Is there Mrs. Queequeg?

I'm free!

All right, brain!

Get ready for some
electroshock treatment!

Fry, don't die! Wake up!

No!

Leela cried for her lost love as Fry
lay dead under the heavy bookcase.

The big brain laughed in triumph.
Ha-ha-ha!

Then, for no reason,
he left Earth forever.

The end. There!

Now he's trapped
in a book I wrote...

a crummy world of plot holes
and spelling errors.

The big brain am winning again!

I am the "greetest"!

Now I am leaving Earth
for no raisin!

The big brain is defeated.

Let what must be done
be done.

Me... feel...

a bit better in cognitive faculties.

I did it! And it's all thanks
to the books at my local library.

And so life returned to normal...

or as normal as it gets
on this primitive dirt ball...

inhabited by psychotic apes.

Thanks to the effect of the brain rays...

The people of Earth had no memory
of what had transpired...

except Fry, and no one believed him
or cared what he had to say.

I, meanwhile, returned to my post...

ever vigilant, lest Earth
again come under brain attack.

And when that day comes,
God help us.

God help us all.

Time for a diapie change!

End transmission.