Futurama (1999–2013): Season 3, Episode 5 - Amazon Women in the Mood - full transcript
After a disastrous double date, Leela, Amy, Zapp Brannigan and Kif Kroker crash land on a planet. Trying to rescue them, Fry and Bender also crash and everyone discovers the planet is ...
Birdbot of IceCatraz
Those cookies are fresh-a-licious,
but they produce a lot of trash.
That head spray makes
your antenna smell nice.
- Thank you.
- But it's damaging the planet.
So? It's not the only one we've got.
Good news! I'm sending you
on an extremely controversial mission.
- Controversial?
- Oh, my, no.
For this highly controversial mission,
you'll be towing the Juan Valdez...
...an orbiting supertanker
full of Colombian dark matter.
Oil? What if we hit something,
and the tanker leaks?
Lmpossible.
The tanker has 6000 hulls.
So, unlike me,
it's entirely leakproof.
Once you've hauled the tanker
past the protestors...
- Protestors?
- Correct. Six thousand hulls.
Why do we fly within three feet
of this penguin preserve?
To avoid the tollbooth.
She's restocked with emergency jam.
Let's get going.
At the risk of sounding negative, no.
I can't participate in this mission.
What are you yapping about?
Your reckless disregard
for the environment!
I'm gonna join those protestors.
This is an outrage. I demand you
hand over your captain's jacket.
This is my normal jacket.
I've had it 10 years.
I said, hand it over.
Well, Fry, or should I say
Captain Fry?
No, I shouldn't.
Bender is the new captain.
- Bender?
- That's right.
Being captain
is about intuition and heart.
A good captain can't have either.
That's why cold, logical Bender
is perfect for the job.
I do think of human life
as expendable.
No fair!
Leela was training me to be captain.
She let me sit on her lap and steer,
in this comic I drew.
The new one's out!
The title of captain
may inflate the human ego...
...but it's beneath the notice
of my mighty robo-logic.
Now, look spry, men.
We launch at six bells.
Greetings. I'm Free Waterfall Sr.,
founder of Penguins Unlimited.
No applause.
When you clap your hands...
...you kill thousands of spores that'll
someday form a nutritious fungus.
Just show your approval
with a mold-friendly thumbs up.
Please hold your thumbs until the end.
It's time to stop that tanker
with a nonviolent human circle.
Why resort to nonviolence?
Can't we kick their asses?
Little lady, those people's asses
are living things too.
[BEEPS]
We're hitched up tighter
than Davy Jones' U-Haul.
- At ease, men.
- I am at ease.
I like to give my first mate
an informal nickname.
From now on,
you'll be known as Wiggles.
The hell I will. Have you even read
the captain's handbook?
I have now. What's Peter Parrot's
first rule of captaining?
"Always respect
the chain o' command," captain.
Correct, Wiggles. You've just earned
an invitation to the captain's table.
The captain's table? What an honor.
Our peace ring has them trapped
like a tiger in a washing machine.
- Get ready.
- Look at that. Here they come.
Didn't you realize spaceships
can move in three dimensions?
No, I did not.
That tanker gave us the slip,
but we'll stop them here on Pluto.
If you're cold, rub your bodies with
permafrost. It's nature's long johns.
If rubbing dirt in your crotch
is wrong, I don't wanna be right.
This here is our penguin preserve.
[CHIRPING]
They're so cute, like if puppies
and kittens could have babies.
We use hand puppets around young ones
to simulate a natural environment.
[SCREAMS]
That's adorable.
MAN:
Ow!
It's this medal I'm most proud of.
I won it for saving the children
of Earth from a giant kangaroo.
It was on Australian news.
You didn't see it.
- Brilliant.
- Would you cram a sock in it?
Those aren't even medals. They're
bottle caps and pepperoni slices.
Thank you, steward.
Weren't you about to toast
your gallant captain?
Fine, I've got a toast.
To Captain Bender. He's the best...
...at being a jerk, and his ugly face
is as dumb as a butt.
I've heard better.
If I were in charge,
I wouldn't treat you like this.
You're nothing but a blowhard.
Sir, you forget yourself. Shut up.
[CHEWING]
Being captain is more important to you
than being my friend. I'm going.
Going? But a captain can't drink
without his first mate.
- You can drink with me, maybe?
- I don't feel like drinking.
Then if you'll excuse me...
...I see some ravioli
that only has two shoe prints on it.
Three.
[CHEWING]
BENDER: Oh, Greenland is a barren land
A land that bears no green
Where there's ice and snow
And the whale fiishies blow...
Please have some liquor.
Robots need alcohol to function.
I once knew a guy...
You look like him.
He wasn't neither...
[GROANS]
- I'm a good captain.
- Please, I love you like a father!
[SCREAMS]
Oh, I hope they read my sign!
- Bender's too low and upside down.
- He must be talking on a cell phone.
[SNORES]
- What's happening?
- All 6000 hulls have been breached.
Fools. If only they'd built it with
6001 hulls. When will they learn?
[SCREAMING]
Continuing our coverage of a tragic,
but faraway, story.
The crisis on Pluto worsens
as dark matter spreads.
The images are truly horrifiic.
I don 't think any of us can understand
how those poor penguins feel.
Oily humanoid.
At the time of the crash, the captain
had an alcohol level of. 08 percent...
... well below the legal limit
for robots.
As your lawyer, I declare y'all
are in a 12-piece bucket of trouble.
But I struck you a deal.
Five hours of community service...
...cleaning up that mess.
Five hours? Couldn't you have
just gotten me the death penalty?
I'd have done better,
but it's hard pleading a case...
...while awaiting trial
for incompetence.
Good luck with that.
Now, you stay away
from those Puffin twins.
To avoid frostbite,
put your hands between your buttocks.
That's nature's pocket.
- I'll check on Bender.
- Watch so he doesn't pick your pocket.
Can't beat fresh-squeezed.
Bender, can you at least pretend
you're being punished?
Clean the black parts too.
[MIMICS LEELA]
Are they black with white feathers...
...or white with black feathers?
- Don't matter. They're all beautiful.
Yo, screws, more Tegrin over here.
What's this?
Man, he got away.
This is why chief says no hugging.
Good work, everyone.
I suggest you get some sleep.
I'm gonna stay up singing songs about
penguins in a fine, piercing tenor.
Has anyone seen Bender? Bender!
Here robot, robot, robot.
[BEEPING]
Why weren't you Kong donkeys
cleaning up?
They sent us inside
for doing an unsatisfactory job.
- And eating penguin eggs.
- You ate most of them.
Where's Captain Bender?
Off catastrophizing some other planet?
- Damn it, Fry! He's still your captain!
- He didn't come back with the group.
- He didn't?
- No.
It's 20 degrees below absolute zero.
I better go find him.
Wait. Bender and I have disagreements,
but we're still friends...
...and I'm gonna show him
what that means.
To the ship.
Why don't you walk?
He was only 20 yards from here.
Madam, I am in command now.
Such a man. I'd follow him
to hell and back, I would.
[SNORES]
[SQUAWKING]
[SPLASHING]
What the...?
[GURGLING]
What's this water made of, ice?
Forget this!
[SCREAMS]
[BUZZES]
[WHISTLES LIKE R2-D2]
I don't think we're on Pluto.
We may have left space as we know it.
Then where are we?
- You said you knew how to navigate.
- Stop yelling at me.
[SQUAWKING]
[CHIRPS]
[SQUAWKS]
[SQUAWKING]
It's worse than we thought. It seems
dark matter is nature's sex drug.
It's like a mix of penguin estrogen,
penguin Viagra and Spanish penguin fly.
- It's making them ultrafertile.
- How ultra?
A garden-variety penguin
lays one egg a year.
Since the spill, our penguins
lay six eggs every 15 minutes!
[GASPING]
Also, the eggs hatch in only 12 hours!
[GASPING]
Also, the males are laying eggs!
[GASPING]
This man has overgasped!
Soon, there will
be too many birds to count.
Before long, they will exhaust
their food supply and starve to death.
If only we hadn't flown penguins
to Pluto and dumped oil on them.
- Can't we stop them from multiplying?
- Yes. Thankfully, we have a plan.
- What is it? We'll do anything!
- Grab your guns.
I declare penguin hunting season
officially open!
[GUNS COCKING]
[SQUAWKING]
Isn't there some way
to keep them from breeding?
Cold showers don't work
on Antarctic creatures.
Surely, a quick semipainless death
is better than weeks of starvation.
Well, I suppose.
But I joined Penguins Unlimited
to love penguins, not hunt them.
The two are one and the same.
Now, are you with us, or are you
gonna let innocent penguins suffer?
[SQUAWKING]
Oh, God, it's inhuman!
It's like Hong Kong! I'll do it!
That's a good old-fashioned gun.
Rifle check!
- Oh, yeah!
- Wee doggy!
You're enjoying this!
Look, if you have to shoot penguins,
you might as well enjoy it.
Sorry, if it's fun in any way,
it's not environmentalism.
- Really? How about blowing up dams?
- Yeah, that is fun.
Let's conservate!
[FRY SCREAMS]
ZOIDBERG:
It's been an honor to serve under you!
This is for their own good.
Don't leave orphans.
Gotta kill entire families.
They're so cute. No! You can do this.
It's like murdering a little butler.
I can't look.
[GUN FIRES]
[SQUAWKING]
Oh, no! What have I done?!
You poor little guy!
I'm so sorry l... Bender?!
Were you hiding out with these guys?
Of course not! Filthy ice rats!
Scat! Shoo!
What are you doing? Get away!
- They love you.
- Well, I don't love them.
BENDER:
Aw.
I don't know why,
but when I look at their faces...
...it makes me want to puke!
In a good way.
[GUNS FIRING]
Stop! Stop shooting!
- It's me! Leela!
MAN: Sorry.
Why aren't you firing at them?
Don't you want to help them?
- Not this way.
- You're not a tree-hugging kook at all!
I don't know if shooting penguins
will help or not.
But the decision shouldn't be in the
hands of people who kill just for fun.
You may just be farming
some free-range truth there.
But we already made 200 pounds
of batter for penguin tempura.
- Okay, boys, it's them or us!
- No!
- Where did they...?
- Attack!
[SCREAMING]
WATERFALL: Make sure they use
every part of my body!
I'll avenge your death, son!
They used to be peaceful.
I suppose this was your doing?
I taught them if it ain't black
and white, peck and bite.
Now, to take off my tuxedo...
Guys, it's me, your lovable dictator!
Uh-oh.
LEELA:
If only we had a toboggan!
Faster! Faster!
BENDER: Ooh, phew.
LEELA: Phew.
Right, they can swim.
It's all coming back to me now.
- It's Fry!
- Wiggles?
At least it'll help
reduce their population.
Yeah, life is hilariously cruel.
- Permission to come aboard?
- Granted.
We can't take off without our captain.
LEELA: Ahem.
- And bring my toboggan.
- Were you able to help the penguins?
- Sure. I mean, not really.
Nature will work itself out.
It can't screw up any worse
than we did, right?
I don't know.
Quit worrying! Thanks to my influence,
those stupid birds will do just fine.
[GUNS COCK]
Those cookies are fresh-a-licious,
but they produce a lot of trash.
That head spray makes
your antenna smell nice.
- Thank you.
- But it's damaging the planet.
So? It's not the only one we've got.
Good news! I'm sending you
on an extremely controversial mission.
- Controversial?
- Oh, my, no.
For this highly controversial mission,
you'll be towing the Juan Valdez...
...an orbiting supertanker
full of Colombian dark matter.
Oil? What if we hit something,
and the tanker leaks?
Lmpossible.
The tanker has 6000 hulls.
So, unlike me,
it's entirely leakproof.
Once you've hauled the tanker
past the protestors...
- Protestors?
- Correct. Six thousand hulls.
Why do we fly within three feet
of this penguin preserve?
To avoid the tollbooth.
She's restocked with emergency jam.
Let's get going.
At the risk of sounding negative, no.
I can't participate in this mission.
What are you yapping about?
Your reckless disregard
for the environment!
I'm gonna join those protestors.
This is an outrage. I demand you
hand over your captain's jacket.
This is my normal jacket.
I've had it 10 years.
I said, hand it over.
Well, Fry, or should I say
Captain Fry?
No, I shouldn't.
Bender is the new captain.
- Bender?
- That's right.
Being captain
is about intuition and heart.
A good captain can't have either.
That's why cold, logical Bender
is perfect for the job.
I do think of human life
as expendable.
No fair!
Leela was training me to be captain.
She let me sit on her lap and steer,
in this comic I drew.
The new one's out!
The title of captain
may inflate the human ego...
...but it's beneath the notice
of my mighty robo-logic.
Now, look spry, men.
We launch at six bells.
Greetings. I'm Free Waterfall Sr.,
founder of Penguins Unlimited.
No applause.
When you clap your hands...
...you kill thousands of spores that'll
someday form a nutritious fungus.
Just show your approval
with a mold-friendly thumbs up.
Please hold your thumbs until the end.
It's time to stop that tanker
with a nonviolent human circle.
Why resort to nonviolence?
Can't we kick their asses?
Little lady, those people's asses
are living things too.
[BEEPS]
We're hitched up tighter
than Davy Jones' U-Haul.
- At ease, men.
- I am at ease.
I like to give my first mate
an informal nickname.
From now on,
you'll be known as Wiggles.
The hell I will. Have you even read
the captain's handbook?
I have now. What's Peter Parrot's
first rule of captaining?
"Always respect
the chain o' command," captain.
Correct, Wiggles. You've just earned
an invitation to the captain's table.
The captain's table? What an honor.
Our peace ring has them trapped
like a tiger in a washing machine.
- Get ready.
- Look at that. Here they come.
Didn't you realize spaceships
can move in three dimensions?
No, I did not.
That tanker gave us the slip,
but we'll stop them here on Pluto.
If you're cold, rub your bodies with
permafrost. It's nature's long johns.
If rubbing dirt in your crotch
is wrong, I don't wanna be right.
This here is our penguin preserve.
[CHIRPING]
They're so cute, like if puppies
and kittens could have babies.
We use hand puppets around young ones
to simulate a natural environment.
[SCREAMS]
That's adorable.
MAN:
Ow!
It's this medal I'm most proud of.
I won it for saving the children
of Earth from a giant kangaroo.
It was on Australian news.
You didn't see it.
- Brilliant.
- Would you cram a sock in it?
Those aren't even medals. They're
bottle caps and pepperoni slices.
Thank you, steward.
Weren't you about to toast
your gallant captain?
Fine, I've got a toast.
To Captain Bender. He's the best...
...at being a jerk, and his ugly face
is as dumb as a butt.
I've heard better.
If I were in charge,
I wouldn't treat you like this.
You're nothing but a blowhard.
Sir, you forget yourself. Shut up.
[CHEWING]
Being captain is more important to you
than being my friend. I'm going.
Going? But a captain can't drink
without his first mate.
- You can drink with me, maybe?
- I don't feel like drinking.
Then if you'll excuse me...
...I see some ravioli
that only has two shoe prints on it.
Three.
[CHEWING]
BENDER: Oh, Greenland is a barren land
A land that bears no green
Where there's ice and snow
And the whale fiishies blow...
Please have some liquor.
Robots need alcohol to function.
I once knew a guy...
You look like him.
He wasn't neither...
[GROANS]
- I'm a good captain.
- Please, I love you like a father!
[SCREAMS]
Oh, I hope they read my sign!
- Bender's too low and upside down.
- He must be talking on a cell phone.
[SNORES]
- What's happening?
- All 6000 hulls have been breached.
Fools. If only they'd built it with
6001 hulls. When will they learn?
[SCREAMING]
Continuing our coverage of a tragic,
but faraway, story.
The crisis on Pluto worsens
as dark matter spreads.
The images are truly horrifiic.
I don 't think any of us can understand
how those poor penguins feel.
Oily humanoid.
At the time of the crash, the captain
had an alcohol level of. 08 percent...
... well below the legal limit
for robots.
As your lawyer, I declare y'all
are in a 12-piece bucket of trouble.
But I struck you a deal.
Five hours of community service...
...cleaning up that mess.
Five hours? Couldn't you have
just gotten me the death penalty?
I'd have done better,
but it's hard pleading a case...
...while awaiting trial
for incompetence.
Good luck with that.
Now, you stay away
from those Puffin twins.
To avoid frostbite,
put your hands between your buttocks.
That's nature's pocket.
- I'll check on Bender.
- Watch so he doesn't pick your pocket.
Can't beat fresh-squeezed.
Bender, can you at least pretend
you're being punished?
Clean the black parts too.
[MIMICS LEELA]
Are they black with white feathers...
...or white with black feathers?
- Don't matter. They're all beautiful.
Yo, screws, more Tegrin over here.
What's this?
Man, he got away.
This is why chief says no hugging.
Good work, everyone.
I suggest you get some sleep.
I'm gonna stay up singing songs about
penguins in a fine, piercing tenor.
Has anyone seen Bender? Bender!
Here robot, robot, robot.
[BEEPING]
Why weren't you Kong donkeys
cleaning up?
They sent us inside
for doing an unsatisfactory job.
- And eating penguin eggs.
- You ate most of them.
Where's Captain Bender?
Off catastrophizing some other planet?
- Damn it, Fry! He's still your captain!
- He didn't come back with the group.
- He didn't?
- No.
It's 20 degrees below absolute zero.
I better go find him.
Wait. Bender and I have disagreements,
but we're still friends...
...and I'm gonna show him
what that means.
To the ship.
Why don't you walk?
He was only 20 yards from here.
Madam, I am in command now.
Such a man. I'd follow him
to hell and back, I would.
[SNORES]
[SQUAWKING]
[SPLASHING]
What the...?
[GURGLING]
What's this water made of, ice?
Forget this!
[SCREAMS]
[BUZZES]
[WHISTLES LIKE R2-D2]
I don't think we're on Pluto.
We may have left space as we know it.
Then where are we?
- You said you knew how to navigate.
- Stop yelling at me.
[SQUAWKING]
[CHIRPS]
[SQUAWKS]
[SQUAWKING]
It's worse than we thought. It seems
dark matter is nature's sex drug.
It's like a mix of penguin estrogen,
penguin Viagra and Spanish penguin fly.
- It's making them ultrafertile.
- How ultra?
A garden-variety penguin
lays one egg a year.
Since the spill, our penguins
lay six eggs every 15 minutes!
[GASPING]
Also, the eggs hatch in only 12 hours!
[GASPING]
Also, the males are laying eggs!
[GASPING]
This man has overgasped!
Soon, there will
be too many birds to count.
Before long, they will exhaust
their food supply and starve to death.
If only we hadn't flown penguins
to Pluto and dumped oil on them.
- Can't we stop them from multiplying?
- Yes. Thankfully, we have a plan.
- What is it? We'll do anything!
- Grab your guns.
I declare penguin hunting season
officially open!
[GUNS COCKING]
[SQUAWKING]
Isn't there some way
to keep them from breeding?
Cold showers don't work
on Antarctic creatures.
Surely, a quick semipainless death
is better than weeks of starvation.
Well, I suppose.
But I joined Penguins Unlimited
to love penguins, not hunt them.
The two are one and the same.
Now, are you with us, or are you
gonna let innocent penguins suffer?
[SQUAWKING]
Oh, God, it's inhuman!
It's like Hong Kong! I'll do it!
That's a good old-fashioned gun.
Rifle check!
- Oh, yeah!
- Wee doggy!
You're enjoying this!
Look, if you have to shoot penguins,
you might as well enjoy it.
Sorry, if it's fun in any way,
it's not environmentalism.
- Really? How about blowing up dams?
- Yeah, that is fun.
Let's conservate!
[FRY SCREAMS]
ZOIDBERG:
It's been an honor to serve under you!
This is for their own good.
Don't leave orphans.
Gotta kill entire families.
They're so cute. No! You can do this.
It's like murdering a little butler.
I can't look.
[GUN FIRES]
[SQUAWKING]
Oh, no! What have I done?!
You poor little guy!
I'm so sorry l... Bender?!
Were you hiding out with these guys?
Of course not! Filthy ice rats!
Scat! Shoo!
What are you doing? Get away!
- They love you.
- Well, I don't love them.
BENDER:
Aw.
I don't know why,
but when I look at their faces...
...it makes me want to puke!
In a good way.
[GUNS FIRING]
Stop! Stop shooting!
- It's me! Leela!
MAN: Sorry.
Why aren't you firing at them?
Don't you want to help them?
- Not this way.
- You're not a tree-hugging kook at all!
I don't know if shooting penguins
will help or not.
But the decision shouldn't be in the
hands of people who kill just for fun.
You may just be farming
some free-range truth there.
But we already made 200 pounds
of batter for penguin tempura.
- Okay, boys, it's them or us!
- No!
- Where did they...?
- Attack!
[SCREAMING]
WATERFALL: Make sure they use
every part of my body!
I'll avenge your death, son!
They used to be peaceful.
I suppose this was your doing?
I taught them if it ain't black
and white, peck and bite.
Now, to take off my tuxedo...
Guys, it's me, your lovable dictator!
Uh-oh.
LEELA:
If only we had a toboggan!
Faster! Faster!
BENDER: Ooh, phew.
LEELA: Phew.
Right, they can swim.
It's all coming back to me now.
- It's Fry!
- Wiggles?
At least it'll help
reduce their population.
Yeah, life is hilariously cruel.
- Permission to come aboard?
- Granted.
We can't take off without our captain.
LEELA: Ahem.
- And bring my toboggan.
- Were you able to help the penguins?
- Sure. I mean, not really.
Nature will work itself out.
It can't screw up any worse
than we did, right?
I don't know.
Quit worrying! Thanks to my influence,
those stupid birds will do just fine.
[GUNS COCK]