Futurama (1999–2013): Season 2, Episode 9 - Why Must I Be a Crustacean in Love? - full transcript
When the group begins to notice that Zoidberg is acting erratically, Professor Farnsworth deduces that it is mating season on his home planet.
Why Must I Be a Crustacean in Love?
JINGLE SINGERS:
Call Robo-Rooter if you flush a towel
We also help with an impacted bowel
JINGLE SINGERS:
Robo-Rooter
Now this is progress:
A self-microwaving Bavarian Cream Dog.
Let's just pray I have the energy
to get another beer.
What is this, the Middle Ages?
Look at you.
- You've become a fat sack of crap.
- Sack?
Bender, your beer belly's so big
your door won't close.
- And that doesn't make sense.
- You're coming to the gym.
The gym? Excellent! Excellent!
For some reason, I'm frisky
as a squid on Tuesday.
Who's up for a steam?
Crustaceans don't like steam.
I'll work out with the Nautilus.
- What up, Dr. Z?
- Yo, yo. What's up? Give up the rock!
Coed steam rooms. I love the future.
You're in the women's steam room.
Ah, futuristic.
Look what life was like
before genetic engineering.
The poor 20th-century women.
Hey, handsome. Have room for two?
You wish.
Hey, Leela, look who's the super stud.
Someone must have
turned down the gravity.
Give me that!
More weight!
What's that jazz on your head?
Enough questions. More weight!
More!
More!
[ROARS]
Maybe you could
do more reps with less weight.
Looks like Zoidberg's finally
coming out of his shell! Get it?
He's coming out...
Nice and gentle. We don't want
any unnecessary stress.
[BABY CRIES]
- Is there a doctor in the gym?
- I'm a doctor!
[WOMEN SCREAMING]
[BABIES CRYING]
Why's he acting this way?
- He seemed the most normal.
- I am normal.
Amy, take off these rubber bands,
and I'll show you.
Fool me seven times, shame on you.
Fool me eight times, shame on me.
- Maybe he has a parasite.
- Maybe he is one.
It's sad when a friend goes nuts...
...and you have to have a clambake
and cook him. Yee-ha!
This won't do.
Let me give old Zoidie a sedative.
- Much better. You can remove these.
- I'll do it.
- Look out!
- Moron!
Hmm. Ooh. Aha! There's the problem.
Give it to me straight. Is it fin rot?
It's fin rot, isn't it?
Relax, chum. It's no problem.
You're just heavy with male jelly.
Blech!
It's mating season for his people.
A time when his behavior
is run by the brain in his rump.
Yuck!
- There's one thing we can do.
- I'll boil the water.
We, I mean you, have to rush him
to his ancient home world...
...which will soon erupt in an
orgy of invertebrate sex.
- Oh, baby, I'm there!
- Do you understand "invertebrate"?
It's not the word I care about.
No need to pack pants. Let's roll!
Dr. Zoidberg said I should hold these.
BENDER:
Moron!
Welcome home, old friend!
Just 1 9 hours until the mating frenzy!
- Excellent! Excellent!
- See ya there, Doctor:
That's how you say "Zoidberg"?
You didn't have to point out
his speech impediment.
- You're looking less nuts.
- I'm feeling less nuts.
Tomorrow I'll be depositing jelly
in the cloacal vents of a female.
Catch my drift?
- Who's the lobsterina?
- Not sure.
I shall attract one today
with an erotic display.
Your people fall in love so fast.
"Love"? That word's unknown here.
I want a female swollen with eggs
to accept my genetic material.
You and me both.
Ah! My old scuttling grounds.
Let's pull over.
I used to hang out here as a larva.
It looked much bigger then.
Who's the tough guy now, Vinnie?
Look! Outdoor theater!
Let's get tickets!
It's the Ceremony of Claw Plock.
We fight to the death over honor...
...and whether abbreviations count
in Scrabble. They don't!
I didn't come to see two guys.
Where do you do your erotic display?
Same as your species. The beach!
- How do I look?
- Like whale barf.
Then the illusion is complete.
I wonder if they're here
to watch the erotic display too.
Perfect. This ought
to make me stand out.
- Look how silly they look.
- He's no different from you organisms...
...shooting DNA at each other
to make babies.
It's offensive!
Keep your jelly away from my eggs.
So not interested.
I've heard that before.
What's the point?
Why's he still alone?
He's a loser, that's why.
The lobster equivalent of Fry.
I can get any girl, any time.
I'm just too busy.
Edna!
Edna, it's me, Zoidberg.
Remember? From high school.
My face was covered with barnacles.
I didn't know you were back in town.
I heard you became a rich doctor.
I've performed a few mercy killings.
So, as long as I'm in town,
I was wondering if maybe, well... .
Gee. Yeah, I'm just going through a
lot of things right now, and...
Look, I carry more eggs
than other females.
I owe it to our race to pick a mate
stuffed with jelly.
- Maybe a rock star.
- Or a doctor?
I'm sorry. You're just
an inferior male specimen.
Nice seeing you again.
No one will ever mate with me.
Not with a puny claw like this.
Did you see those guys?
They were giant claws with bodies.
- You didn't smell as bad.
- You're right.
My stink gland is weak. Smell!
You gotta fake like you're in love.
Look in her eyes, start crying...
...and say, "I've never been so happy. "
If a guy ever did that, I'd know it.
Wait a second. They've all done that.
Even Sean!
This "love" intrigues me.
Teach me to fake it!
You're on a date.
What do you do?
- Ask her to mate.
- Say she's special.
She's not. She just has
the largest clutch of eggs.
- Well, tell her that. Then?
- Then mating.
No. Make up feelings
and tell her you have them.
- Is "desire to mate" a feeling?
- You're not even trying!
It's all so complicated.
The romance and the lies upon lies.
Don't worry. The love meister
will take you under his wing.
Now there's a bird involved?
Okay, go ahead.
What the...? Dr. Zoidberg?
Your display failed.
Why are you trying to talk to me?
I don't know.
You just want to talk.
I just want to talk.
That doesn't make sense.
That doesn't make sense. But okay.
Tell her she looks thin.
You seem malnourished.
Do you suffer from parasites?
Yes. Thanks for noticing.
- Ask about her day.
- Why would I care?
- You wouldn't. Ask.
- How was your day?
Well, first I got up
and had a piece of toast.
Then I went to the store. And...
Look, she won't shut up.
It's normal.
Just nod and say, "Uh-huh. "
- Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
- And then you threw an octopus.
It's crazy,
but when you talk this way...
...your obvious deficiencies seem
less obvious.
Your genes seem less detrimental.
You even stink more.
- Ask to mate?
- Third date.
So I returned his artificial heart.
Since then,
I've been called "Honest Bender. "
"I'd like to propose a toast to
coat check number 84. "
- Turn it over.
- Oh. "Edna!
Of all the gross crab monsters
on this planet...
...you are the hottest. "
Oy.
- That's the most beautiful thing.
- Yes. Well...
...excuse me. I must powder my flaps.
Me too.
I'm confused. I'm feeling
a strange new emotion.
Is it love when you care for a female
for reasons beyond mating?
No. Must be some alien emotion.
He said some dumb stuff.
He's a nice guy. Really.
Fry's been telling him what
to say. And Fry's a...
- Do you have idiots on your planet?
- Fry?
Words of such beauty came from
the blowhole of that hideous alien?
Yeah. What?
Look, never mind the words.
Zoidberg's a doctor. A doctor, honey.
EDNA:
Come in.
Hello, Fry.
Can I interest you
in some surf and turf?
I came to tell you that Zoidberg's
great. He's got jelly out the wazoo.
That is where it comes out.
It's not everything.
I know Zoidberg's words were yours.
Teach me to love,
you squishy poet from beyond!
I'm flattered. If I did it
with a mud bug, you'd top the list.
Hush, you romantic fool.
Engage your mandibles and kiss me.
Edna? I couldn't stand
it any longer. L...
Fry!
It's not how it looks!
- Her caviar is on your neck!
- But...
It's true, Zoidberg.
We can't hide it any longer.
We're in love,
and we're mating tomorrow!
- What?!
- Fry! I challenge you to Claw Plock!
- English, please?
- A fight to the death!
And if you survive,
we'll make sweet love.
The law is clear.
Fry and Zoidberg shall fight
to the death for the beautiful Edna.
But I don't want her!
The tradition of Claw Plock
can't be taken back.
It is a recent tradition, only
1 8 years old, but it is a tradition.
I'm going to rip your swim bladder
out and show it to you!
This is madness!
You're being irrational!
- Of course I am. I'm in love!
- Aw.
- Leela!
- Right, right.
You have to stop this.
Listen, lady. As you can see...
...I'm a highly desirable male
groaning with jelly.
Yet I embrace celibacy
to uphold our crazy traditions.
- One of your friends must die.
- Fate is cruel and unyielding.
And what must be, must be.
Taking bets! 9-to-2 on Zoidberg,
the crab with the jab!
The Great Red Hope! Come on, baby!
It's been years since medical school.
Remind me:
- Disemboweling you, fatal or not?
- Fatal.
Large bet on me in round one!
Edna, have you anything to say
before begins the Claw Plock?
I do. Today I got up
and I had a piece of toast...
...then I brushed my teeth...
- Shut up!
- I love you, Fry!
No!
Having guessed what animal
I was thinking of...
...you have first choice of weapon.
- And you, doctor?
- I choose my claws.
I want to chop him here,
in the gonads.
Nobody correct him.
Fry, I've never asked
for anything before... .
When it comes to the ninth round,
let him win.
- It's a fight to the death!
- Suddenly it's all about you! Sheesh.
Please rise for the national anthem.
Uh-oh.
Let Claw Plock begin!
Go, Fry! Die with dignity!
Oops!
No! I can't stand to look!
What?
Fry! Take a dive!
Claw Plock! Claw Plock!
Claw Plock! Claw Plock! Claw Plock!
Fellow fish monsters, I don't want to
question your stupid civilization...
...but will killing someone
with a nutcracker solve anything?
He's my friend. Though a woman
has come between us...
...we'll remain friends.
And do you know why? One reason.
You bastard! I'll kill you!
You bastard!
Wait! Stop! Everyone is gone!
Edna? Honey?
Edna?
Oh, my God!
The frenzy!
Oh, the greatest experience
in life and I missed it.
I'm sorry, doc.
The frenzy is over.
How will I get rid of my jelly now?
- I'll lend you this.
- Fry.
- Hey!
- Shoo! Get away. Hey!
What's with the flying jerks?
They feast after the frenzy.
Once my species passes
its genes, it dies.
You choose between
life without sex and death?
- Yes.
- Tough call.
It was nice of you
to let me fix your arm.
Especially after I made
an eel out of myself.
- No biggie.
- Yes, biggie.
I felt things I never felt before:
Love, jealousy,
passion for disemboweling.
I owe it all to you.
I pronounce the operation a success.
- Hooray!
- Yeah!
I don't know emotions.
But medicine, forget about it.
Not to nitpick, doc, but
could you take one more whack at this?
For you, my friend, anything.
FRY: Ahh! My legs!
ZOIDBERG: All right...
Third time's the charm.
JINGLE SINGERS:
Call Robo-Rooter if you flush a towel
We also help with an impacted bowel
JINGLE SINGERS:
Robo-Rooter
Now this is progress:
A self-microwaving Bavarian Cream Dog.
Let's just pray I have the energy
to get another beer.
What is this, the Middle Ages?
Look at you.
- You've become a fat sack of crap.
- Sack?
Bender, your beer belly's so big
your door won't close.
- And that doesn't make sense.
- You're coming to the gym.
The gym? Excellent! Excellent!
For some reason, I'm frisky
as a squid on Tuesday.
Who's up for a steam?
Crustaceans don't like steam.
I'll work out with the Nautilus.
- What up, Dr. Z?
- Yo, yo. What's up? Give up the rock!
Coed steam rooms. I love the future.
You're in the women's steam room.
Ah, futuristic.
Look what life was like
before genetic engineering.
The poor 20th-century women.
Hey, handsome. Have room for two?
You wish.
Hey, Leela, look who's the super stud.
Someone must have
turned down the gravity.
Give me that!
More weight!
What's that jazz on your head?
Enough questions. More weight!
More!
More!
[ROARS]
Maybe you could
do more reps with less weight.
Looks like Zoidberg's finally
coming out of his shell! Get it?
He's coming out...
Nice and gentle. We don't want
any unnecessary stress.
[BABY CRIES]
- Is there a doctor in the gym?
- I'm a doctor!
[WOMEN SCREAMING]
[BABIES CRYING]
Why's he acting this way?
- He seemed the most normal.
- I am normal.
Amy, take off these rubber bands,
and I'll show you.
Fool me seven times, shame on you.
Fool me eight times, shame on me.
- Maybe he has a parasite.
- Maybe he is one.
It's sad when a friend goes nuts...
...and you have to have a clambake
and cook him. Yee-ha!
This won't do.
Let me give old Zoidie a sedative.
- Much better. You can remove these.
- I'll do it.
- Look out!
- Moron!
Hmm. Ooh. Aha! There's the problem.
Give it to me straight. Is it fin rot?
It's fin rot, isn't it?
Relax, chum. It's no problem.
You're just heavy with male jelly.
Blech!
It's mating season for his people.
A time when his behavior
is run by the brain in his rump.
Yuck!
- There's one thing we can do.
- I'll boil the water.
We, I mean you, have to rush him
to his ancient home world...
...which will soon erupt in an
orgy of invertebrate sex.
- Oh, baby, I'm there!
- Do you understand "invertebrate"?
It's not the word I care about.
No need to pack pants. Let's roll!
Dr. Zoidberg said I should hold these.
BENDER:
Moron!
Welcome home, old friend!
Just 1 9 hours until the mating frenzy!
- Excellent! Excellent!
- See ya there, Doctor:
That's how you say "Zoidberg"?
You didn't have to point out
his speech impediment.
- You're looking less nuts.
- I'm feeling less nuts.
Tomorrow I'll be depositing jelly
in the cloacal vents of a female.
Catch my drift?
- Who's the lobsterina?
- Not sure.
I shall attract one today
with an erotic display.
Your people fall in love so fast.
"Love"? That word's unknown here.
I want a female swollen with eggs
to accept my genetic material.
You and me both.
Ah! My old scuttling grounds.
Let's pull over.
I used to hang out here as a larva.
It looked much bigger then.
Who's the tough guy now, Vinnie?
Look! Outdoor theater!
Let's get tickets!
It's the Ceremony of Claw Plock.
We fight to the death over honor...
...and whether abbreviations count
in Scrabble. They don't!
I didn't come to see two guys.
Where do you do your erotic display?
Same as your species. The beach!
- How do I look?
- Like whale barf.
Then the illusion is complete.
I wonder if they're here
to watch the erotic display too.
Perfect. This ought
to make me stand out.
- Look how silly they look.
- He's no different from you organisms...
...shooting DNA at each other
to make babies.
It's offensive!
Keep your jelly away from my eggs.
So not interested.
I've heard that before.
What's the point?
Why's he still alone?
He's a loser, that's why.
The lobster equivalent of Fry.
I can get any girl, any time.
I'm just too busy.
Edna!
Edna, it's me, Zoidberg.
Remember? From high school.
My face was covered with barnacles.
I didn't know you were back in town.
I heard you became a rich doctor.
I've performed a few mercy killings.
So, as long as I'm in town,
I was wondering if maybe, well... .
Gee. Yeah, I'm just going through a
lot of things right now, and...
Look, I carry more eggs
than other females.
I owe it to our race to pick a mate
stuffed with jelly.
- Maybe a rock star.
- Or a doctor?
I'm sorry. You're just
an inferior male specimen.
Nice seeing you again.
No one will ever mate with me.
Not with a puny claw like this.
Did you see those guys?
They were giant claws with bodies.
- You didn't smell as bad.
- You're right.
My stink gland is weak. Smell!
You gotta fake like you're in love.
Look in her eyes, start crying...
...and say, "I've never been so happy. "
If a guy ever did that, I'd know it.
Wait a second. They've all done that.
Even Sean!
This "love" intrigues me.
Teach me to fake it!
You're on a date.
What do you do?
- Ask her to mate.
- Say she's special.
She's not. She just has
the largest clutch of eggs.
- Well, tell her that. Then?
- Then mating.
No. Make up feelings
and tell her you have them.
- Is "desire to mate" a feeling?
- You're not even trying!
It's all so complicated.
The romance and the lies upon lies.
Don't worry. The love meister
will take you under his wing.
Now there's a bird involved?
Okay, go ahead.
What the...? Dr. Zoidberg?
Your display failed.
Why are you trying to talk to me?
I don't know.
You just want to talk.
I just want to talk.
That doesn't make sense.
That doesn't make sense. But okay.
Tell her she looks thin.
You seem malnourished.
Do you suffer from parasites?
Yes. Thanks for noticing.
- Ask about her day.
- Why would I care?
- You wouldn't. Ask.
- How was your day?
Well, first I got up
and had a piece of toast.
Then I went to the store. And...
Look, she won't shut up.
It's normal.
Just nod and say, "Uh-huh. "
- Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
- And then you threw an octopus.
It's crazy,
but when you talk this way...
...your obvious deficiencies seem
less obvious.
Your genes seem less detrimental.
You even stink more.
- Ask to mate?
- Third date.
So I returned his artificial heart.
Since then,
I've been called "Honest Bender. "
"I'd like to propose a toast to
coat check number 84. "
- Turn it over.
- Oh. "Edna!
Of all the gross crab monsters
on this planet...
...you are the hottest. "
Oy.
- That's the most beautiful thing.
- Yes. Well...
...excuse me. I must powder my flaps.
Me too.
I'm confused. I'm feeling
a strange new emotion.
Is it love when you care for a female
for reasons beyond mating?
No. Must be some alien emotion.
He said some dumb stuff.
He's a nice guy. Really.
Fry's been telling him what
to say. And Fry's a...
- Do you have idiots on your planet?
- Fry?
Words of such beauty came from
the blowhole of that hideous alien?
Yeah. What?
Look, never mind the words.
Zoidberg's a doctor. A doctor, honey.
EDNA:
Come in.
Hello, Fry.
Can I interest you
in some surf and turf?
I came to tell you that Zoidberg's
great. He's got jelly out the wazoo.
That is where it comes out.
It's not everything.
I know Zoidberg's words were yours.
Teach me to love,
you squishy poet from beyond!
I'm flattered. If I did it
with a mud bug, you'd top the list.
Hush, you romantic fool.
Engage your mandibles and kiss me.
Edna? I couldn't stand
it any longer. L...
Fry!
It's not how it looks!
- Her caviar is on your neck!
- But...
It's true, Zoidberg.
We can't hide it any longer.
We're in love,
and we're mating tomorrow!
- What?!
- Fry! I challenge you to Claw Plock!
- English, please?
- A fight to the death!
And if you survive,
we'll make sweet love.
The law is clear.
Fry and Zoidberg shall fight
to the death for the beautiful Edna.
But I don't want her!
The tradition of Claw Plock
can't be taken back.
It is a recent tradition, only
1 8 years old, but it is a tradition.
I'm going to rip your swim bladder
out and show it to you!
This is madness!
You're being irrational!
- Of course I am. I'm in love!
- Aw.
- Leela!
- Right, right.
You have to stop this.
Listen, lady. As you can see...
...I'm a highly desirable male
groaning with jelly.
Yet I embrace celibacy
to uphold our crazy traditions.
- One of your friends must die.
- Fate is cruel and unyielding.
And what must be, must be.
Taking bets! 9-to-2 on Zoidberg,
the crab with the jab!
The Great Red Hope! Come on, baby!
It's been years since medical school.
Remind me:
- Disemboweling you, fatal or not?
- Fatal.
Large bet on me in round one!
Edna, have you anything to say
before begins the Claw Plock?
I do. Today I got up
and I had a piece of toast...
...then I brushed my teeth...
- Shut up!
- I love you, Fry!
No!
Having guessed what animal
I was thinking of...
...you have first choice of weapon.
- And you, doctor?
- I choose my claws.
I want to chop him here,
in the gonads.
Nobody correct him.
Fry, I've never asked
for anything before... .
When it comes to the ninth round,
let him win.
- It's a fight to the death!
- Suddenly it's all about you! Sheesh.
Please rise for the national anthem.
Uh-oh.
Let Claw Plock begin!
Go, Fry! Die with dignity!
Oops!
No! I can't stand to look!
What?
Fry! Take a dive!
Claw Plock! Claw Plock!
Claw Plock! Claw Plock! Claw Plock!
Fellow fish monsters, I don't want to
question your stupid civilization...
...but will killing someone
with a nutcracker solve anything?
He's my friend. Though a woman
has come between us...
...we'll remain friends.
And do you know why? One reason.
You bastard! I'll kill you!
You bastard!
Wait! Stop! Everyone is gone!
Edna? Honey?
Edna?
Oh, my God!
The frenzy!
Oh, the greatest experience
in life and I missed it.
I'm sorry, doc.
The frenzy is over.
How will I get rid of my jelly now?
- I'll lend you this.
- Fry.
- Hey!
- Shoo! Get away. Hey!
What's with the flying jerks?
They feast after the frenzy.
Once my species passes
its genes, it dies.
You choose between
life without sex and death?
- Yes.
- Tough call.
It was nice of you
to let me fix your arm.
Especially after I made
an eel out of myself.
- No biggie.
- Yes, biggie.
I felt things I never felt before:
Love, jealousy,
passion for disemboweling.
I owe it all to you.
I pronounce the operation a success.
- Hooray!
- Yeah!
I don't know emotions.
But medicine, forget about it.
Not to nitpick, doc, but
could you take one more whack at this?
For you, my friend, anything.
FRY: Ahh! My legs!
ZOIDBERG: All right...
Third time's the charm.