Futurama (1999–2013): Season 2, Episode 10 - Put Your Head on My Shoulders - full transcript

Put Your Head on My Shoulders

Four score and 1145 years ago...

...our forefathers' foreheads
conceived a new nation.

This Presidents' Day, we honor the
values my body fought and died for.

Values like this new Plymouth V'ger.

I'm Malfunctioning Eddie...

...and I'm malfunctioning so badly,
I'm giving these cars away!

Let's go car shopping! My parents said
if I got B's, they'd buy me a bar.

I got all C's!

Mind if I tag along?
My ass needs servicing.

This says it could catch fire
in a collision.



No wonder you're
at the end of conga lines.

I'll get my coat. Let's go, Bender.

I'm Victor, and I know many things
about the art of unloading fine cars...

...on beautiful women.

Now tell us she's witty
and sophisticated.

A gentleman always
sells a lady a car first.

This is a Beta Romeo.
Yes, the Beta Romeo.

Note the cross-your-heart seat belt.
It protects, lifts and separates.

Spotted her when you walked in, huh?
She's a beauty.

Yeah, beautiful coffee.

No, the Ford Thunder
Cougar Falcon Bird!

Nothing makes you feel
more like a man.

- How much do you want to spend?
- I'm not buying.

I see you don't care if people
question your sexual orientation.



I do, but I don't know how
to make them stop!

Thunder Cougar Falcon Bird.

The seats are stuffed
with eagle down...

...the dash inlaid
with beaks of eagles.

There are eagles
under the floorboards.

- That's an awful lot of eagle.
- Yes. And yet...

- What's wrong?
- The luxury edition has more eagle.

- It's sad to think you're missing out.
- Oh, don't be sad.

My parents are paying
and they're incredibly rich.

I installed bumpers to reduce
the risk of butt failure.

You, sir, have defaced
a national treasure!

I demand you restore my buttocks
to their former glory!

All right, but that ass is gonna blow,
and when it does...

...I pray you're not mooning
someone you care about.

This car has everything
a beautiful woman like me needs.

Victor said so.

No dog food for Victor tonight!

The sticker says $55,000.
But we'll only go as high as, say...

Sixty thousand!

I'll have to ask my manager.

- You don't go above the sticker price.
- I thought it was an auction.

- He is not too happy.
- I'm sorry. Eighty thousand?

I'm terrible at parallel parking.

You're asking for a day off?
Get out of my sight!

You're bogarting my patience.

Who were you yelling at?

I asked me for Valentine's Day off.
I was in no mood for my shenanigans.

Valentine's Day's coming?
I forgot to get a girlfriend again.

- Since we have no dates, we should...
- You assume I can't get a date?

How about 8:00?

I'm taking my new car to Mercury.
Wanna come?

- Okay. How's the weather?
- The usual. Boiling lead, lava.

So, what? Shorts?

Boy, this a/c is incredible.
I better turn on the heater too.

This heater is incredible!
I better turn up the a/c some more.

- How about some icy margaritas?
- Yeah!

- We're slowing down!
- I'll hit the fuel guzzler!

Who wants Pop-Tarts?

It's okay. I have an emergency phone.

- What are you doing?
- It's a videophone.

I'm in the Astro-Afro-
Antarctico-Amerasian Auto Association.

Hello? Septuple A?

It'll be a couple hours.

Oh, I'm gonna get sweat
on my sweat suit.

You're rich. How come you dress
like you're doing your laundry?

My parents tell me
to be more ladylike. As though.

My folks were always on me to wear
underpants. What am I, the pope?

If you were, they'd be all,
"Straighten your pope hat"...

...and "Put on your good vestments. "

It's nice to find someone
I can talk to about stuff, and junk.

It's like we feel the same way
about junk and stuff, or whatever.

- While they tow us, you wanna do it?
- Yeah!

Which concludes the summary
of the movie I saw.

- Any old business?
- No.

- Any new business?
- No.

- Anyone sleep together?
- No.

- Yep.
- Kind of.

- What?
- Oh, my God!

- One thing led to another.
- It led there again when we got home.

You snagged the perfect girlfriend.

Amy's rich, she's probably
got other characteristics...

Bender, romance isn't about money.

It's coincidence that Zoidberg is
desperately poor and miserably lonely?

Please!

For your information,
it's because he's hideous.

They go together like
a lime and a coconut.

- Do I hear wedding bells?
- What? No!

Really? Oh, dear.

You're both very lucky. I'd pay
to end my miserable loneliness.

If I weren't so desperately poor.

People will pay good money
for romance?

I have a scheme
so deviously clever that I...

- $500 and time served.
- Stupid anti-pimping laws.

Well, pay the man!

- Honey, we love you!
- Shut up, baby, I know it!

Computer dating. Like pimping,
but you rarely say "upside your head. "

- Why would anyone ask you for help?
- Don't make me go upside your head!

Fry? Amy? Put your pants back on!
I need a stapler!

If you disrupt the mating dance...

...the male will maul us
with his fearsome gonad.

It's working.
They think we're making out.

- Why aren't we making out?
- I don't know.

- Okay, Mister...?
- Smith. Zapp Smith. Brannigan.

Check off what you look for
in a mate.

Let's see. Oh, yes. Yes, definitely.

I'd like some of that.

I'll just have everything on the menu.

I'll run it through our high-speed
Romance-A-Logical Datafier.

- Say hello to Miss Right.
- Hello.

Wow, we're great kissers.

Hey, later you want
to drive out to Europa?

We can picnic and spit at Jupiter.

I used to spit at stuff
in the 20th century.

Cool how we think alike, and junk.

Yeah. You know, Fry,
I like hanging out with you.

It was great. But now she's talking
about hanging out.

She's getting way too serious.
I'm not a one-woman man, Leela.

- You'll be back to zero soon.
- She's smothering me.

- Hi.
- You see? She's bothering me at work!

I do my job, there's Amy.

I go to the candy machine,
there's Amy.

I sleep with Amy, there's Amy.

- I think you're overreacting.
- Am I? Am I?!

Face it, I'm a prize catch.
I'm pulling down delivery boy money.

- She has billions in a trust fund.
- She wants a trophy husband.

Come to Europa with us.
We can't be alone.

Ready for a picnic, just you and me?

You know who loves picnics
with just you and me?

Dr. Zoidberg.

Did someone say something
about a free meal?

I haven't eaten since Tuesday.

Bird eggs. Animal slices.

Dry woven reeds.

All gone. Can I drive?

No. Fry, you busy tomorrow?
I got tickets to the ape fight.

We'll spend Valentine's Day
together, isn't it enough?

Sure. What do you want
to do for Valentine's Day?

- Now we're doing Valentine's Day?
- You said...

We have to talk! Zoidberg, you drive!

Pardon me. Excuse me.

I'll just turn the wheel
to maximum fastness.

You know how you like chocolate
but get tired of it...

...when it always
wants to hang out?

- You don't like chocolate?
- Can chocolate let me finish?

And the winner of the big car race is
Hot Rod Zoidberg!

What I'm trying to say is,
I think we should stop...

Here, you drive.

Fry? Are you all right?

My head's killing me.
What happened? Was anyone hurt?

No, no, no. Of course not.
Nobody but you.

Your body was badly damaged
in the crash.

- How badly?
- That's it over there.

I managed to keep your head
alive with some quick surgery.

- Where is it?
- There.

Looks like we'll be spending
a lot more time together, Fry.

This always happens
with office romances.

We'll have your body
all fixed up in a few days.

Upsy-daisy.

I'll try not to interfere
in your life.

- Fry?
- Sorry. I guess I control that arm.

What'd you want to talk about, anyway?

Maybe we'd better talk in private.
I'll meet you in the closet.

I like you as a friend. But we're
spending too much time together.

- You're breaking up with me?
- We should see other people.

I was really having fun.
If that's how you feel.

I'm sorry, but it is.

If we're not seeing each other, can I
get another date for Valentine's Day?

- Unless it would make you feel bad.
- Hey, I can get a date too.

I can attract all sorts of women.

With my body, I think
you'll only attract one sort of woman.

So, how's business?

Are you familiar
with my friend Al Gore?

Losers get really desperate
around Valentine's Day.

Yeah, it's pathetic, all right.

- How much?
- Five hundred bucks.

- Done.
- Brannigan okay?

- No!
- Six hundred.

Leela? Can I talk to you
for a minute in private?

No problem.

Amy made Valentine's plans
with some goon...

...and I'm gonna be stuck there.

Will you be my date? Please?

Too late, I'm sharing Valentine's
with a special man.

Not Zapp Brannigan.

Then I have to do something
so pitiful that I'm ashamed to tell.

- Bender's in his office.
- Thanks.

I got your hookup. My fee's 500 bucks,
but seeing how it's you...

...I'll need it in advance.

Okay, we're done with the bra.

Why did you shave? Expecting
something to happen with the date?

- None of your business.
- And that's a lot of makeup.

- It's deodorant.
- What does it do?

Come in, Gary.
I'll just be another 20 minutes!

I'll be waiting!

20 minutes? You're ready now!

- It's good to make them wait a little.
- Oh, God, it's true!

- That dress looks great on you.
- Thanks.

Where is she?

I must say, Amy, you're all made up.
Just like Fry's date. Get it?

I've got a date. She's coming.

Fry, look who I found!
It's Petunia, your dream girl!

How's them eats?
Don't mind if I do.

- Kids will be hungry.
- She seems old.

She's well-traveled.
I don't mean she travels.

- Wheels fell off my house.
- Rose? Five bucks.

I'll take one.

- Me too.
- Eight bucks.

- You said...
- Demand skyrocketed. You all saw it.

Leela, meet your future husband, Sal.

- Nice eyeball, Eyeball.
- Nice ass, Ass.

Sparks! Buy her a rose,
I promise she'll put out.

I'll take my chances.

- Cheers.
- Cheers.

Tell me, you a good gambler?

- Well, I...
- What's your game? Bingo? Keno?

You don't have your own body!

- I control this arm.
- Slots player?

- Sorry, but I can do better.
- Wait! Come back, darling!

I gotta catch my bus back to Nutley.

I'd kiss you but I lost my teeth.

I'd love to take a whack at you...

...but the 10:15 to Nutley
ain't going without me driving.

Excuse me, did you say
"10:15 to Nutley"?

Why, yes I did.

Did you round up our dates
at the bus station?

- Of course not.
- Anybody else for Nutley?

Wait, you didn't
show me your surprise!

- You know what I'd like to do...
- Oh, jeez, get a room.

Maybe later.

I have an idea!
Let's go out for ice cream.

I thought Amy could come
to my place for coffee.

- I don't like coffee.
- Neither do I.

I feel a little tipsy.

Let me pick up the check.

No!

That's it! I'm getting out of here!

If it isn't my favorite head
on Amy's body: Fry!

- Oh, Leela.
- We were just on our way out.

Nonsense. The evening's young.
So, Gary, what do you do for a living?

Banking industry regulator.

Really? I heard that banking industry
regulations are very simple.

That's not true.

Modern banking regulations are a
product of five regulatory traditions.

- Six, if you want to get technical.
- Oh, I do.

It began in 1410, when a number
of noblemen convened with the...

Thank you.

There, good as new.
Except your dorsal fin.

I couldn't find it after the crash.

- I'll live without it?
- You call that living?

Why wouldn't you let me graft
a laser cannon on your chest?

To crush those who disobey you.

I guess we're two different people.

Thanks for the ride, Amy. No hard
feelings about your date, or stuff.

I had fun. If I ever feel lonely...

...I'll look at this disfiguring scar
and think of you.

Anyway, it's nice to have
my own body back.

How's the corpse? Hooked up okay?

Seems to be. My neck's
just a little tender.

Cool! Ow!

Thanks for rescuing me last night.

Anytime. I enjoyed hanging out.

Everything worked out great,
thanks to Bender.

It's not like you
set us up with bad dates...

...just so we'd be together.

Didn't I, Leela? Didn't I?

No! You just corralled some stiffs
at the bus station and took our money.

True. But in the end, isn't that what
Valentine's Day is all about?

- Yeah.
- I guess so.

Watch the neck!

My ass! My beautiful...