Futurama (1999–2013): Season 2, Episode 6 - Brannigan, Begin Again - full transcript

Horsie to Pointy Guy Six.

- Check.
- Hmm.

Get him, boys!

Good move.

Brannigan Begins Again

PROFESSOR:
Good news.

We have a mission to further
intergalactic peace.

- Nope. Watching cartoons.
- Sorry.

What's the mission?

A delivery for the Democratic
Order of Planets.

What's that?



- It's like the United Nations.
- Uh... .

- Like the Federation from Star Trek.
- Oh.

Tonight's the ribbon cutting
for DOOP's new base.

- What are we delivering?
- Something necessary to the ceremony.

- The oversized scissors.
- We'll deliver them as fast as we can.

Okay. But don't run with them!

Wow, a million aliens. I've
never seen anything so mind-blowing!

- A reception table with muffins!
- Ladies and gentlemen.

Welcome to the ribbon cutting
for the DOOP's new headquarters.

A fitting home for an organization
that fosters peace everywhere.

Even between the Insectoids
and the Space Lizards.

- What's it like on Amazonia?
- Big rats there.

- Me crush with club.
- That's so interesting.

Why don't we have coffee together?



There's no better place
for a home of diplomacy...

...than here orbiting
the Neutral Planet.

What are your thoughts,
Your Neutralness?

I have no strong feelings one way
or the other.

I hate these filthy Neutrals.
You know where enemies stand.

But with Neutrals, who knows?
It sickens me.

Halt! Why, Leela!
I do believe we've met.

- He means you guys did it.
- We brought scissors for the ceremony.

- Then you're under arrest.
- Why?

How do I know these aren't part
of a Neutral plot?

They're not sharp. Who could I hurt?

The Yarn People of Nylar Four.

[SPEAKING GIBBERISH]

So, a plan to assassinate
a weird-Iooking alien with scissors.

How very Neutral of you.

- What?
- It was almost the perfect crime.

But you forgot one thing:
Rock crushes scissors.

But paper covers rock.
And scissors cuts paper.

Kif, we have a conundrum.
Search them for paper.

- And bring me a rock.
- Why?

So beautiful, yet so Neutral.

Drag them to the ship!

To cut the ribbon, the legendary
DOOP captain...

...who just returned from a
carpet-bombing of Eden Seven...

...Zapp Brannigan.

What makes a man turn Neutral?
Lust for gold? Power?

Or were you born
with a heart of Neutrality?

Sir? You should be cutting
the ribbon now.

No matter. I'll simply cut it
from here with the ship's laser.

That may not be wise.

Kif, I don't need your
that-may-not-be-wise attitude.

[SCREAMING]

Whoopsie-daisy.

You are accused of blowing up
DOOP headquarters. How do you plead?

- Absolutely 99 percent not guilty.
- The prosecutor will call a witness.

Your Honor, I'm a simple hyper-chicken
from a backwoods asteroid...

...but if it please the court,
I'll call the entire jury.

- I'll allow it.
- Members of the jury...

...did you all happen to gander...

...at who blew up
that there DOOP headquarters?

That's the guy there.

- Are you gonna vote to convict him?
- You better believe it.

The jury will disregard its testimony.

Your Honor, the prosecution rests.

The evidence against Brannigan
is strong.

But, in light of his service,
and this incompetent prosecutor...

...I'm afraid I must dismiss
all charges.

What? Your Honor, I know the case is
closed and you've given a verdict...

...but I want to testify.
- I'll allow it.

Miss Leela, on the date in question...

...were you or weren't you
wearing a skirt?

That's a dumb question. What matters
is Zapp's the worst captain ever.

I saw him blow up DOOP
headquarters with my own eye.

- I'd like to cross-examine.
- I'll allow it.

- We've met before, have we not?
- Yes.

On that occasion,
you had sex with someone?

- May I remind you, you're under oath.
- Yes.

Please point out the person
you had sex with.

Woo!

- And his name is?
- Zapp Brannigan.

The same man who didn't
blow up DOOP headquarters.

I rest my case.

Jury members,
you may begin your deliberations.

Your Honor, we have reached a verdict.

We find the defendant guilty.

Woo!

You are hereby stripped
of your rank...

...and dismissed from the DOOP.

I'd like to make one final statement.

Kif, come and hold up the flag.

Wave it a little, for God's sake.

You can take away
a man's title and his uniform.

But you can't take away
his integrity and honor.

- Plus, it was Kif's fault.
- What?

You too are stripped of your rank...

...and dishonorably discharged.

Oh.

One day a man has everything.

Then he blows up
a $400 billion space station.

Next he has nothing. Makes you think.

- No, it doesn't.
- Come, Kif.

It's time to begin our life as
civilians. That's an order, soldier!

["EVERYBODY'S TALKIN' "
BY HARRY NILSSON PLAYS]

- Hey, Bender?
- Yeah?

This is the third hose fight
I've broken up.

And the second one with real hoses.

Move your asses and
scrub the ship like I ordered!

- You don't have to get so mad.
- Fry wiped off some of the dirt.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

- Zapp?
- I didn't know where else to turn.

- You're the only one who loved me.
- I never loved you.

- Physically.
- What is it?

Let me work for food. I'll paint,
or service you sexually, or mop up.

- You can't do any of those things.
- Kif might.

- Who are you talking to?
- Just a hobo who's hit rock bottom...

...and his commander.
- You're that disgraced captain.

He'll distract people from our
awful safety record. Come in!

I want everyone to meet our new
employees. Which ones are new?

- The green dude and the fat man.
- I haven't seen that robot before.

I'm Bender. You know,
the lovable rascal.

Oh, yes. My good friend, of course.

Whoever you all are, I have good news.

You have a delivery to Stumbos Four.
The gravity is so high...

...you might be crushed
by your own hair.

Enjoy!

So, this Leela.
I know she's a very sensuous woman.

- How is she as a captain?
- Really strict.

- And mean.
- I see.

- Does she spank the crew?
- No, she just makes us work.

Good. But should she ever institute
some sort of spanking policy...

...I'll go for you. I won't have
my comrades harmed.

Hey, this guy's all right!

Here's to us poor schmoes working
for the man.

Even if he is a hot, sexy, female man.

- I computed our landing coordinates.
- Thanks. Very nice work.

- Wait, what?
- I said, "Very nice work. "

This is the happiest day of my life.

Okay, crew. You have to deliver
these 40 pillows to the hotel.

Not heavy, but I'm still complaining.

That's because we have
an anti-grav pump.

Once you're out there,
gravity will be very intense.

Hey, no prob.
This lead apron will protect me.

No screw-ups.

Use the hover dolly and deliver
one pillow at a time.

- Let's deliver them all at once!
- Yeah!

That's using your noodle.

Come on, girdle. Hold... .

Uh-oh.

What the hell happened?

Some breaking, involving the dolly.
That's all we know.

I told you idiots
not to overload it.

- Each pillow weighs 1 50 Ibs. Here.
- Don't get your panties in a knot.

- We'll use the backup.
- I'll load pillows.

No way. You disobeyed an order...

...so now you have to hand-deliver
all 40 pillows.

I have a serious question.

Does the company that
made your bra do girdles?

- I ask because a friend...
- Just get to work!

- I'm Leela. Get to work.
- I agree.

The point is, it's just so
humiliating working for him.

Once he actually ordered me to...

...shave his armpits while
he was in the tub. So, l...

Why don't we talk about
something besides Zapp?

Oh, all right.

Well, how about them, um... .

Okay, well, there he was
in the tub, right?

[THUNDER CRASHES]

Some good old high-gravity rain.
That'll cool us off.

- Ow, ow, ow.
- Ow, ow, ow.

This is Leela's fault.

If she let us use the backup,
we'd have broken it and given up.

A good captain needs many skills...

...like boldness, daring,
and a velour uniform.

I'm not convinced
she has any of those.

Leela's not too bad.
She just makes us work so much.

When I was captain,
I only wanted my men's Ioyalty.

If I had that,
I didn't care if they...

...drank beer in their underwear.

- Beer?
- Underwear?

But now, Zapp's not
captain anymore. I'm free!

Hear that? I'm actually laughing.

This is a mutiny!

You're out of here, lady.
Zapp's the new captain.

All hail the new captain!

You're a capable doer of the nasty...

...but I'm taking over.
- On what grounds, you oaf?

Failure to prevent a mutiny.
Throw her in the brig.

- What brig?
- Then the laundry room...

...which will hereafter
be called the "brig. "

- You don't want me as captain?
- Right, genius.

- Didn't I do well?
- You were mean. You yelled.

- You made us work.
- A captain needs to do that.

- I thought we were friends.
- Well...

...you shouldn't have been so mean.
- Don't worry.

Soon we'll be able to look back
on this and laugh.

Back in uniform. It nearly
still fits...

...despite the fattening hobo diet.

- What do I do with these clothes?
- Put them in the laundry brig.

- Do I have your Ioyalty?
- To the ends of the universe.

- Ten hundred percent.
- That's not enough.

You're to sit and drink
until you're as Ioyal as Kif.

- Yes, sir, sir!
- May I have a beer, sir?

No. You're Ioyal enough.
Meanwhile, I have a plan.

We'll attack our archenemy,
the Neutral Planet.

- Oh, geez.
- Once the threat is gone...

...I'll be a hero and
the DOOP will reinstate me.

- Sir, that plan makes no sense.
- Maybe not to you.

But you were court-martialed
in disgrace.

- Burn!
- Nailed you, buddy!

Prepare for the fight
between good and Neutral.

Awesome! We'll be like,
pow-pow-pow!

And they'll be like...

...and we'll have pancakes
to celebrate. And I'll be like... .

Exactly. Now, in the name of all
that is honorable...

...we'll call them with a
message of peace, then fire.

Yes, sir.

Fly the white flag of war.

This is Zapp Brannigan, of the ship...
Planet Express Ship.

-I come in peace.
- Can we trust him, Your Neutralness?

All I know is my gut says maybe.

BENDER: What now?
- We crash into the headquarters...

...killing them in a firestorm
from which nothing can escape.

- And then?
- Then your mission is complete.

I'll already have ejected
wearing the only space suit.

- Wait. Is this gonna kill us?
- Yes. That's what I meant by Ioyalty.

Now help me into the only suit.

It's sweaty.
You may need baby powder.

- We want you back as captain.
- Let me guess. He canceled naptime?

He ran out of beer?
So, he's about to kill us?

- We want Leela to be captain.
- Mutiny?

Never thought I'd see the day.
Come, Kif.

- There's a child's suit for you.
- I want to stay here with Leela.

She actually listens to what I have
to...

[MUMBLES]

He's disabled the steering!
We're gonna crash!

Leela, save me! And yourself, I guess.

And my banjo!

And Fry.

Okay. We have one chance.

- Will you do what I say?
- Absolutely.

- Even if I make you work?
- As your God is my witness.

Get the backup dolly and put all dark
matter into the left engine.

Aw, man! That crap's heavy!

- And warm.
- Just do it!

Your Neutralness, beige alert.

If I die, tell my wife, "Hello. "

I don't want to die at age 25.

Unless we hit a time warp,
don 't worry about it.

- It's too low!
- Quick!

You did it! You actually did it!

And no one will be punished
for the mutiny!

When Leela panicked,
maybe because of female troubles...

...my quick mind saved the day.

- Is this tale of magic and glory true?
- Well, actually...

Good. If they don't take him
back, we'll keep him.

It's true. My female incompetence,
his cat-like reflexes...

...the stuff that made no sense,
all of it.

In that case, Zapp Brannigan...

...I hereby restore your rank
and parking privileges.

Come, Kif. We've got work to do.

I'll call and tell you about it.

Leela, even though you're mean...

...you're the best captain ever.
- Yeah. You're one dynamite lady.

- Can we have a week off?
- No.

- Please?
- Come on, captain.

- Oh, all right.
- No time off.

- Oh, man.
- Let's mutiny.