Futurama (1999–2013): Season 2, Episode 16 - The Deep South - full transcript

GOOD NEWS, EVERYONE.

I'VE INVENTED A DEVICE
WHICH ALLOWS YOU

TO OPERATE EQUIPMENT
FROM GREAT DISTANCES.

I CALL IT "THE THING LONGER".

OBSERVE.

AND... HERE WE GO...

THERE.

[ All Gasping ]

PRETTY LONG, EH?

YEAH, IT'S REALLY LONG

BUT WHAT DID YOU JUST
TURN ON WITH IT?



OH, THAT'S JUST
THE WHAT-IF MACHINE I INVENTED.

YOU POSE IT A "WHAT IF" QUESTION

AND IT GENERATES A VIDEO
SIMULATION OF WHAT WOULD HAPPEN.

DOES IT REALLY WORK?
OF COURSE IT WORKS.

IT'S JUST NOT
VERY LONG.

OOH, OOH, I WANT
TO AXE IT A QUESTION.

AS A ROBOT LIVING
AMONG HUMANS

I'VE NEVER REALLY FELT
ACCEPTED AT PARTIES

OR NUDE BEACHES.

SO, I'VE ALWAYS
SECRETLY WONDERED...

WHAT IF I WAS 500 FEET TALL?

LET'S WATCH, SHALL WE?

[ Loud Belch ]

MY WORK HERE IS DONE.



[ Black Sabbath's
"Iron Man" Playing ]

AW, I'M SO LONELY
SINCE I CAME TO THE FUTURE.

WILL YOU BE MY FRIEND?

[ Angry Quack ]
OW!

[ Groans ]

AW!

[ Gasps ]

WHO ARE YOU?

I'M A BIG ROBOT
AND I WANT A BIG CEREAL.

YOU, TOO?
WILL YOU BE MY FRIEND?

PUT HER THERE, PAL.

I MEANT YOUR WALLET.

THREE, TWO, ONE, ZERO.
♪ MMMBOP BA-DUBA-DOP ♪

♪ BA-DU-BOP, BA-DU-DOP ♪

♪ BA-DU-BOP, BA-DU-DOP ♪

♪ YEAH, YEAH ♪

♪ MMMBOP BA-DUBA-DOP ♪

♪ BA-DU-BOP, BA-DU-DOP ♪

♪ BA-DU-BOP, BA-DU-DOP ♪

♪ WHOA, WHOA ♪

♪ MMMBOP BA-DUBA-DOP ♪

♪ BA-DU-BOP, BA-DU-DOP ♪

♪ BA-DU-BOP, BA-DU-DOP ♪

♪ WHOA, WHOA ♪

♪ MMMBOP BA-DUBA-DOP... ♪

AH, YEAH,
THAT CALMS THE SHAKES.

HEY!

[ Giggling ]

OKAY, OKAY, COME ON NOW.

STOP! THE ROBOT'S
NOT YOUR ENEMY.

HE'S JUST A POOR,
MISUNDERSTOOD....

[ Screaming ]

[ Sniffing ]

AW!

WELL, THERE GOES
THE NEIGHBORHOOD.

[ Loud Crashing ]

THERE GOES ANOTHER
NEIGHBORHOOD.

WE'RE JERKED.

NOTHING CAN STOP
A MONSTER THAT BIG.

NOTHING EXCEPT AN EVEN
EQUALLY BIG MONSTER.

THIS IS A CHANCE TO TRY OUT
MY EXPERIMENTAL ENLARGING RAY

BUT WE'LL NEED A GUINEA PIG.

[ Sniffing ]

WHAT'S THIS?

TWO MEALS IN ONE WEEK?

[ Noisy Chewing ]

GOT YOU!
SUCKER!

FRIENDS, HELP!
A GUINEA PIG TRICKED ME.

[ High-pitched Whirring ]

WHAT?

SO, NOW ZOIDBERG IS BIG, HUH?

THAT'S MORE LIKE IT.

WHO'S INTIMIDATING
WHO NOW, BIG CITY?

HELLO, MR. CHASE MANHATTAN BANK.

DENY MY CREDIT CARD
APPLICATION, WILL YOU?

[ Roaring ]

AH, THE FAMED
APOLLO THEATER.

BOO ME OFF STAGE
ON OPEN-MIKE NIGHT, HUH?

I'LL SHOW YOU.

[ Roaring ]

HEY, I CALLED
THIS CITY.

QUIT TOUCHING
MY STUFF.

TELL IT TO
THE CLAW.

BITE MY COLOSSAL METAL ASS.

[ People Screaming ]

[ Loud Sucking ]

[ Sputtering ]

[ Loud Belch ]

WHO WANTS LOBSTER BISQUE?

HMM?

[ Screaming ]

[ Evil Laughter ]

HEY, BENDER

WANT TO MAKE SHRINKY DINKS?

[ Roaring ]

[ Yelling ]

[ Gasping ]

WHO PUT THIS IN HERE?

NO!

ARE YOU PEOPLE
SATISFIED?

THIS GENTLE
VISITOR IS DYING

AND WE'LL NEVER EVEN
KNOW WHY HE CAME.

I'LL... TELL YOU...

WITH MY FINAL BREATH.

I CAME HERE
WITH A SIMPLE DREAM--

A DREAM OF KILLING ALL HUMANS

AND THIS IS HOW IT MUST END?

WHO'S THE REAL
SEVEN-BILLION-TON
ROBOT MONSTER HERE?

NOT... I.

NOT... I.

[ Gasps ]

GOOD NIGHT, SWEET PRINCE.

[ Announcer ]
INTERESTING STUFF.

STAY TUNED FOR MORE:

[ Farnsworth ]
WELL, LEELA,

CARE TO GIVE THE
WHAT-IF MACHINE A WHIRL?

MAYBE LATER.

I MEAN, I DON'T KNOW
WHAT TO ASK ABOUT.

COME ON, WOMAN,
JUST PICK SOMETHING.

YEAH, BE MORE
IMPULSIVE, LIKE THIS.

GO, MAN, GO.

I CAN BE REALLY IMPULSIVE.
IT JUST TAKES ME AWHILE.

[ Humming Tune ]

ALL RIGHT, PROFESSOR,
LET'S DO IT.

MAKE THAT MACHINE
SHOW ME WHAT WOULD HAPPEN

IF I WAS A LITTLE
MORE IMPULSIVE.

JUST A LITTLE.

NOT TOO MUCH.

HEY, GUYS, LOOK WHAT
I BOUGHT ON A WILD IMPULSE--

NEW BOOTS.

THEY'RE LIKE MY OLD ONES
BUT WITH A CRAZY GREEN STRIPE.

WHOO!

NEVER KNOW WHAT
I'M GOING TO DO NEXT.

[ Humming Tune ]

[ Sighs ]

LEELA, COULD YOU COME
IN HERE FOR A MOMENT?

I HAVE SOMETHING
IMPORTANT TO TELL YOU.

I CAN'T LIVE FOREVER
AND I NEED AN HEIR--

SOMEONE TO SPEND MY VAST RICHES

AND TAKE CARE OF
MY MAN-EATING ANTEATERS
WHEN I'M GONE.

[ Noisy Chewing ]

THE OTHERS SIMPLY AREN'T
LEVELHEADED ENOUGH.

THEY'RE TOO IMPULSIVE--
NOT LIKE YOU.

NOT LIKE OLD, PREDICTABLE,
DULL-AS-DISHWATER LEELA.

HELLO? NEW BOOTS.

THAT'S WHY I'VE MADE YOU
MY SOLE HEIR.

THE DAY I DIE

YOU'LL BE A VERY
WEALTHY WOMAN.

OH, MY, YES...
INCREDIBLY WEALTHY.

THE DAY I DIE...

BECAUSE YOU'RE
SO UN-IMPULSIVE.

[ Karate Yell ]

OH! HUH?

[ Noisy Chewing ]

OH, YOU'VE KILLED ME!

YOU'VE KILLED ME!

OH, GOD, WHAT HAVE I DONE?

I JUST TOLD YOU.
YOU'VE KILLED ME!

[ Noisy Chewing ]

OKAY, JUST TRY
TO BE NONCHALANT.

[ Whistling Tune ]

ALL RIGHT, SO
YOU'RE NONCHALANT.

QUIT RUBBING
OUR NOSES IN IT.

SWEET GIANT ANTEATER
OF SANTA ANITA!

THE PROFESSOR'S BEEN EATEN
BY GIANT ANTEATERS!

OH!
WHAT?!

IF YOU ASK ME,
IT'S MIGHTY SUSPICIOUS.

I'M GOING TO CALL THE POLICE...

RIGHT AFTER
I FLUSH SOME THINGS.

POLICE, BAH.
NOSY MEDDLERS.

IT SO HAPPENS I HAVE

MAIL-ORDER DEGREES
IN MURDEROLOGY AND MURDERONOMY.

ZOIDBERG IS AFOOT.

PERHAPS THE PROFESSOR'S
FILES CAN CLEAR THINGS UP.

LET'S SEE, CITATION
FOR PUBLIC NUDITY

CONSPIRACY TO COMMIT
PUBLIC NUDITY.

AHA! A NEW WILL NAMING...

[ Gasps ]

YOU AS HIS SOLE HEIR!

THAT DOESN'T PROVE
I KILLED HIM.

IT'S A VIDEO WILL.
IT SHOWS YOU KILLING HIM.

[ Karate Yells ]

[ Hermes Screaming ]

ALL RIGHT, ANTEATER NUMBER ONE,
WHO ARE YOU PROTECTING?

IS IT ANTEATER NUMBER TWO?

DON'T STICK YOUR TONGUE
OUT AT ME.

I NEED A NAME.
[ Snorting ]

WHAT? HOW DO
YOU SPELL THAT?

[ Chopping Sounds ]

[ Hermes ]
WHAT ARE YOU
HACKING OFF?

IS IT MY TORSO?
IT IS! MY PRECIOUS TORSO!

HERMES, QUIET.
I'M DEDUCING THINGS.

[ Garbage Disposal Running ]

[ Grunting ]

WHAT DO YOU GOT?
DISPOSAL TROUBLE?

NO! EVERYTHING'S JUST--

SURE IS SHOCKING ABOUT
THE PROFESSOR, HUH?

AND NOW HERMES IS
MYSTERIOUSLY MISSING.

ANYHOW, IT DOESN'T
AFFECT ME-- BENDER.

HEY, WHAT'S THIS?

HERMES' DREADLOCKS?
AND HIS ARM?

LEELA, I'M SHOCKED.

FOOD GOES IN THE DISPOSAL.
HAIR AND FLESH GO IN THE TRASH.

I'M SORRY.
I COULDN'T STOP.

WELL, WAIT.

DON'T YOU CARE THAT
I MURDERED HERMES?

NOT EVEN A LITTLE.

THERE'S NOTHING WRONG
WITH MURDER

JUST AS LONG AS YOU LET
BENDER WET HIS BEAK.

YOU'RE BLACKMAILING ME?

BLACKMAIL IS SUCH
AN UGLY WORD.

I PREFER EXTORTION.

THE "X" MAKES IT
SOUND COOL.

PLEASE, HONEY,
I'M MADE OF METAL.

LIKE YOU'RE REALLY GOING
TO HURT ME WITH A--

HEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING
WITH THAT MICROWAVE?

[ Blubbering ]

[ Bell Dings ]

OKAY, THAT'S IT.

NO MORE KILLING.

NEXT TIME YOU FEEL LIKE KILLING

JUST HAVE A STICK OF GUM.

NOW TO DISPOSE
OF THE BODY.

HONK, HONK.

WOW, SPORTY GO-CART, LEELA.
SO HIP AND SEXY.

NOT LIKE YOU AT ALL.

DO YOU HAVE ANY GUM?

NO.

[ Screaming ]

[ Thunder Crashing ]

[ Clock Chimes ]

[ Noisy Chewing ]

AH!

THE GANG'S ALL HERE.

WHO ARE YOU?

SCRUFFY,
THE JANITOR.

I'VE NEVER SEEN
YOU BEFORE.

I'VE NEVER SEEN YOU
BEFORE, NEITHER.

QUIET, PLEASE.

I'VE CALLED YOU ALL HERE
TO THE PARLOR

TO WATCH AS I GRADUALLY
SOLVE THE CRIME.

ONE OF THE PEOPLE IN THIS ROOM
IS A BIG MURDERER.

[ All Gasping ]

[ Gasps ]

YOU SEE, THE KILLER
LEFT ONE FATAL CLUE--

THIS BOOT PRINT ON
THE PROFESSOR'S LAB COAT.

UH... COULDN'T BE ME.

I NEVER WEAR BOOTS.

[ Loud Zipping ]

SEE?

EWW. WHAT SMELLS
LIKE BOOT FEET?

THIS IS PREPOSTEROUS.

OBVIOUSLY,
THE MURDERER IS--

[ Metallic Scraping ]

[ Splat ]

MY NEXT CLUE CAME AT 4:15

WHEN THE CLOCK STOPPED

AND ANOTHER CAME
TWO HOURS LATER, AT 4:15

WHEN I DISCOVERED
THE MURDERED BODY

OF AMY'S DEAD, DECEASED CORPSE.

SCRUFFY KNOWS
WHO KILLED THEM PEOPLE.

IN SCRUFFY'S OPINION,
IT WERE--

[ Metallic Scraping ]

[ Casual Whistling ]

SO... IT'S JUST AS I
SUSPECTED ALL ALONG.

THE CRIME IS UNSOLVABLE.

[ Yapping ]

[ Yelping ]

A LETTER FROM BENDER,
MY GOOD FRIEND.

"DEAR DR. JERKBERG

"IF YOU'RE READING THIS,
I'M ALREADY DEAD.

"THE PERSON WHO
KILLED ME WAS-- WAS--"

MY GOD.
IT CAN'T BE.

THE MURDERER. IT WAS...

[ Yawns ]

I'M BORED.

YOU'RE BORING,
ZOIDBERG.

I'M GOING TO
GO WATCH TV.

COULD YOU GET THE LIGHTS
ON YOUR WAY OUT?

WHATCHA EATING?
LOBSTER.

YOU WANT SOME?
SURE.

YOU KNOW, I THINK
I FINALLY FIGURED OUT

WHAT'S BEHIND ALL
THESE MYSTERIOUS DEATHS.

REALLY?

WAS PLANET EXPRESS BUILT
ON AN INDIAN GRAVEYARD?

NO.
NO?

NO.
[ Gasps ]
THEN... THEN...

IT WAS YOU.

I DON'T KNOW
WHAT CAME OVER ME.

I KILLED ONE PERSON ON IMPULSE.

THEN I HAD TO KILL
ANOTHER AND ANOTHER.

WELL, THAT COVERS
THE FIRST THREE KILLINGS.

AND NOW, TO MAKE SURE
YOU WON'T TALK...

I'M GOING TO HAVE TO DO
SOMETHING REALLY IMPULSIVE.

[ Contented Sigh ]

SO, FRY...

WHAT DO YOU THINK
OF THE IMPULSIVE NEW ME?

I LIKE IT.

GOOD, NOW LET ME
JUST GET THE LIGHTS.

[ Screaming ]

I REALLY LIKE IT.

WHO ELSE HAS A QUESTION
FOR THE WHAT-IF MACHINE?

SCRUFFY? FRY?

I HAVE A QUESTION.

WHAT IF BENDER
WAS REALLY GIANT?

YOU IDIOT,
WE ALREADY SAW THAT.

I KNOW, I LIKED IT.
I WANT TO SEE IT AGAIN.

WE'RE NOT SEEING IT AGAIN.
ASK SOMETHING LESS STUPID.

OH, ALL RIGHT,
HOW ABOUT THIS?

WHAT IF I NEVER FELL
INTO THAT FREEZER DOODLE

AND CAME TO THE FUTURE JIGGY?

THAT QUESTION
IS LESS STUPID

THOUGH YOU ASKED IT IN
A PROFOUNDLY STUPID WAY.

WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF FRY
NEVER CAME TO THE FUTURE?

[ Noisemakers Blowing ]

HELLO!

PIZZA DELIVERY FOR, UH...

I.C. WIENER?

OH, CRUD.

HERE'S TO ANOTHER
LOUSY MILLENNIUM.

[ Toots ]

OW!

I SHOULD HAVE LEFT YOU
FLOATING IN THE TOILET.

WHAT IS IT?

IT APPEARS THAT
THE VERY FABRIC

OF SPACE-TIME
HAS RIPPED.

HEY, LOOK,
AN UGLY, SCARED GUY.

BOO!

[ Laughing ]

[ Spooky Humming ]

WHO ARE YOU MONSTERS?

IS ONE OF YOU I.C. WIENER?

IF THAT'S HIS PIZZA,
THEN I'M ICY WHATEVER.

YOU BELIEVE ME
ABOUT THE MONSTERS,
RIGHT, MR. PANUCCI?

THERE'S ONLY THREE
REAL MONSTERS, KID--

DRACULA, BLACULA
AND SON OF KONG.

NOW, QUIT PICKING YOUR NOSE
AND KNEAD THAT DOUGH.

[ Sighs ]

HEY, THE USUAL,
PROFESSOR HAWKING?

[ Over Voice Box ]
NO, TODAY I'D LIKE
SOMETHING GOOD.

[ Laughs ]
HAWKING, YOU'RE ALL RIGHT.
I'LL MAKE YOU THE USUAL.

HEY, STEPHEN HAWKING.

AREN'T YOU THAT PHYSICIST
THAT INVENTED GRAVITY?

SURE, WHY NOT?

LET ME ASK YOU SOMETHING.

HAS ANYONE EVER DISCOVERED
A HOLE IN NOTHING
WITH MONSTERS IN IT?

'CAUSE IF I'M THE FIRST

I WANT THEM TO CALL IT
A FRY HOLE.

THERE IS NOTHING
TO BE CONCERNED ABOUT.

I MUST GO.
THERE IS MUCH TO DO.

HEY, HAWKING,
YOUR PIZZA'S READY.

TOSS IT IN
THE GARBAGE.

[ Hawking ]
THERE HE IS.
SEIZE HIM.

WHO SAID THAT?

UH! HEY! HEY!
OH! OW! NO!

THERE.

[ Groaning ]

WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE?

I'M AL GORE, AND THESE

ARE MY VICE-PRESIDENTIAL
ACTION RANGERS

A GROUP OF TOP NERDS
WHOSE SOLE DUTY

IS TO PREVENT DISRUPTIONS
IN THE SPACE-TIME CONTINUUM.

I THOUGHT YOUR SOLE DUTY
WAS TO CAST THE TIE-BREAKING
VOTE IN THE SENATE.

THAT, AND PROTECT
THE SPACE-TIME CONTINUUM.

READ THE CONSTITUTION.

HMM, SO I GUESS YOU'LL WANT
TO SEE MY FRY HOLE.

VERY MUCH SO, BUT FIRST,
MEET THE ACTION RANGERS.

YOU ALREADY KNOW
STEPHEN HAWKING.

ALSO WITH US ARE
NICHELLE NICHOLS

A.K.A. COMMANDER UHURA.

INCOMING TRANSMISSION
FROM MCI ONE-RATE DEPARTMENT.

IT SOUNDS LIKE
A LIMITED-TIME OFFER.

TELL THEM I'M IN THE TUB.

TO MY LEFT,
YOU'LL RECOGNIZE GARY GYGAX

INVENTOR
OF DUNGEONS AND DRAGONS.

GREETINGS. IT'S A...
PLEASURE TO MEET YOU.

THE WORLD'S FOREMOST
CHESS-PLAYING COMPUTER.

Bishop to knight four.

NOT ALL MISSIONS CAN
BE SOLVED WITH CHESS, DEEP BLUE.

SOMEDAY YOU'LL UNDERSTAND THAT.

WHERE AM I, ANYWAY?

YOU'RE TRAVELING
IN A SPECIALLY EQUIPPED

TERRESTRIAL TRANSPORT MODULE.

A SCHOOL BUS.

SO WHAT DO YOU NERDS WANT?

IT'S ABOUT THAT RIP
IN SPACE-TIME THAT YOU SAW.

I CALL IT A HAWKING HOLE.

NO FAIR--
I SAW IT FIRST.

WHO IS THE JOURNAL OF QUANTUM
PHYSICS GOING TO BELIEVE?

MR. FRY, THE TIME DISRUPTION
INDICATES THAT SOME EVENT

WAS SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN,
BUT DIDN'T DUE TO
A QUANTUM FLUCTUATION.

THAT'S WHY WE HAD TO BEAT YOU
WITH TENNIS RACKETS.

IF WE DON'T GO BACK THERE
AND MAKE THE EVENT HAPPEN

THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE
WILL BE DESTROYED

AND AS AN ENVIRONMENTALIST,
I'M AGAINST THAT.

[ Brakes Squealing ]

SO THEN MY CHAIR TILTED BACK

AND I ALMOST FELL
INTO THIS FREEZER THINGY.

I CALL IT
A HAWKING CHAMBER.

BUT INSTEAD OF FALLING IN
AND GETTING FROZEN

I MISSED AND WANGED MY HEAD.

WELL, IT'S OBVIOUS
WHAT SHOULD HAVE HAPPENED.

THAT WANG TO THE HEAD
SHOULD HAVE KILLED YOU.

UH, WHAT?

LET'S FINISH THE JOB.

NO, WAIT!
THERE MUST BE A PEACEFUL--

HOLD HIM DOWN.
Check.

OW! OW!

OW! OW!

WHOA.
WHA...?

SOMETHING'S WRONG.
MURDER ISN'T WORKING
AND THAT'S ALL WE'RE GOOD AT.

LET'S TRY SOMETHING ELSE.
MAYBE WE SHOULD...

PUT THE DICE AWAY
BEFORE I TAKE THEM AWAY.

WAIT, I'M GETTING AN IDEA.

WHAT IF FRY WAS
SUPPOSED TO GET FROZEN?

YES.

SHOVE HIM IN THE TUBE.
IT WAS MY IDEA.

HEY, THERE HE IS AGAIN
AND HE BROUGHT NERDS.

TAKE THIS!

GET IN THE TUBE, DUMMY.

WE ONLY HAVE
A FEW SECONDS

BEFORE THE UNIVERSE
IS DESTROYED.

ALL RIGHT,
BUT I NEED A WEAPON

TO FIGHT OFF DRUNKEN ROBOTS
WHEN I WAKE UP.

HERE, TAKE MY
PLUS-ONE MACE.

OKAY, HERE I GO.

[ Maniacal Laughter ]

YOU FOOL!
YOU FOOLISH FOOL!

EH, WHAT'S THE WORST
THING THAT CAN HAPPEN?

[ Screaming ]

GREAT.

THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE
WAS DESTROYED.

DESTROYED?
THEN WHERE ARE WE NOW?

I DON'T KNOW,
BUT I CAN DARN
WELL TELL YOU

WHERE WE'RE NOT--
THE UNIVERSE.

OH, ETERNITY WITH NERDS.

IT'S THE PASADENA STAR TREK
CONVENTION ALL OVER AGAIN.

ANYONE WANT TO PLAY
DUNGEONS AND DRAGONS FOR
THE NEXT QUADRILLION YEARS?

YES, PLEASE.
SURE.

Pawn to rook eight.

I'M A TENTH-LEVEL
VICE PRESIDENT.

THAT STORY WAS PREPOSTEROUS.

STEPHEN HAWKING
IN A PIZZERIA.

THIS THING ISN'T WORTH
THE GOLD IT'S MADE OF.

ANYWAY, "THE THING LONGER"
SEEMS TO BE A ROUSING SUCCESS.

GOOD WORK.

[ Amy ]
RIGHT ON, PROFESSOR.

SO THAT'S WHAT THINGS
WOULD BE LIKE

IF I'D INVENTED
"THE THING LONGER."

OH, A MAN CAN DREAM, THOUGH.

A MAN CAN DREAM.