Futurama (1999–2013): Season 1, Episode 5 - Fear of a Bot Planet - full transcript

What do you think
of the view, Fry?

It really puts things
in perspective.

I mean, from up here,
an entire world...

can seem utterly
insignificant.

Hey, nice seats.

We're close enough that when you...

knock a player down with a beer bottle,
he stays down.

I don't get this.

Is blernsball exactly
the same as baseball?

Baseball? God forbid.

Face it, Fry. Baseball was as boring
as Mom and apple pie.



That's why they jazzed it up.

Boring? Baseball wasn't...

Hmm, so they
finally jazzed it up.

Home run!

Yay, yay!

Right?

Ugh.

Out.

Yeah! Yay!

What just happened?

Why is the ball on
that sproingy thing?

It's traditional,
just like aluminum bats...

and the seventh-inning grope.

Hey, hey, hey!



I got me a souvenir.

Aw, here you go, kid.

I'd like
a jumbo squid log, please.

We don't sell those.

All right, all right.

Let me have one of your young on a roll.

We're out of rolls.

Fine. Just give me something
crawling with parasites.

Hmm.

At least hot dogs
haven't changed.

Hey, buddies, who wants popcorn?

- Oh, I'll have some.
- Oh, yeah. Popcorn.

Anyone want
butter on that?

Hey, I'm starting to get
the hang of this game.

The blerns are loaded...

the count's three blerns
and two anti-blerns...

and the infield blern rule
is in effect. Right?

Except for the word "blern,"
that was complete gibberish.

Multi-ball!

Multi-ball!

Blern!

Bler-r-r-rn!

All right! Yes!

Miller's on a pace
to hit 70 blerns.

He's good all right, but
he's no Clem Johnson.

And Johnson played
back in the days...

before steroid injections
were mandatory.

Clem Johnson?!

That sack of skin wouldn't have lasted
one pitch in the old robot leagues.

Now, wireless Joe Jackson...

There was a blern-hitting machine.

Exactly, he was a machine
designed to hit blerns.

I mean, come on,
wireless Joe was nothing...

but a programmable bat
on wheels.

Oh, and I suppose
pitch-o-mat 5000...

- was just a modified howitzer.
- Yep.

You know, you humans...

are so scared
of a little robot competition...

you won't even let us
on the field.

There's all kinds
of robots down there.

Yeah. Doing crap work.

They're bat boys, ball
polishers, sprinkler systems...

but how many robot managers are there?

Eleven?

Zero!

And what a surprise.

Look who's scraping up the filth.

Is it a human child?

I wish.

Whoa! Dear Lord!

What's wrong?

Oh, uh, it's...
my... new pager.

This is Hermes.

A package just came in.

Everyone needs to return
to the office immediately.

Get away, you filthy bird.

Shoo! Shoo!

Professor, turn me off quick.

I'm sorry. What?

See you at the office.

Admit it.

You all think robots
are just machines...

built by humans to make
their lives easier.

Well, aren't they?

I've never made
anyone's life easier...

and you know it.

Great news, everyone.

You'll be delivering
a package to Chapek 9...

A world where humans
are killed on sight.

Why is that great news?

I'm glad you asked
that question, Fry.

You see, Chapek 9
was colonized centuries ago...

by a murderous crew
of radical robot separatists.

Oh, so just 'cause a robot
wants to kill humans...

that makes him a "radical."

Hey, hold on.
I understand these robots hate humans...

but how do they feel
about humanoid aliens?

They're not fans.

That's why Bender
will have to make the actual delivery.

Oh, I get it...
make the robot do all the work.

This is the first actual work...

you've ever had
to do around here.

Well, I'm not doing it.

It's a robot holiday.

Really? Which one?

Only Robanukah...

The holiest two weeks
on the robot calendar.

Oh, come on, Bender.

Last month it was Robamadan,
and before that Robanzaa.

Man, that one was a blast.

It wasn't just a blast.

It was a sacred tribute
to my ancestral prototypes...

which happened to take the form
of a drinking contest.

Now, look here, Bender,
I respect your diversity...

to the extent the law requires...

but you used up
all your days off...

when you had
that bout with roberculosis.

Aw, all right, I'll go,
but so help me...

I'll hold a grudge against
every last stinking one of you...

for the rest of your lives.

Well, then it's settled.

So long, everyone.

So, let me get this straight.

- This planet is completely uninhabited?
- No.

It's inhabited by robots.

Oh, kind of like how a warehouse
is inhabited by boxes.

Okay, Bender...

we're here.

It's time to get to work.

Yes, Miz Leela,
tote that space barge...

lift that space bale.

Now, we can't land
on the surface...

because those robots
would kill Fry and me.

So, we'll have
to stay up here...

and lower you with the winch.

Remember, you
don't know humans...

you don't work for humans...

and above all, you
don't like humans.

I'll try to keep
that in mind.

Hmm, he seems
pretty angry.

Yeah, but I guess
I'd be kind of angry, too...

if I had to go
to some uninhabited planet.

Maybe we ought to do
something nice for him.

There, this oughta show
that stupid robot we care about him.

Ah, Bender must be done
with the delivery.

I...

I'm in trouble.

They found out I work
with humans, and...

Oh no. Oh no!

Oh, my God.

- We have to go down and rescue him.
- No, we can't.

They'll kill us on sight.

W-W-What are we
going to do?

I don't know. I don't know.
It's not an easy decision.

If only I had two or three minutes
to think about it.

If we're going to save Bender
we've got to look and act
exactly like robots.

I am fully operational, Captain.

We'll have to walk like robots
talk like robots...

and if necessary solve complex
differential equations like robots.

I can sort of dance like a robot.
Will that help?

Oh, Fry, first of all, this is serious.

And second of all...

Man, we look stupid.

We should have gotten
store-bought costumes.

Yeah, but there wasn't
a Woolworth's in this quadrant.

Halt!

Be you robot or human?

Robot... we be.

Uh, yep.

Just two robots
out roboting it up.

Eh?

Administer the test.

Which of the following
would you most prefer:

A, a puppy...

B, a pretty flower
from your sweetie...

or C, a large
properly formatted data file?

Choose!

Uh, is the puppy mechanical in any way?

No, it is the bad
kind of puppy.

Then we'll go
with that data file.

Correct.

The flower would also
have been acceptable.

You may pass.

Now, if you see any robots
just stay out of their way.

So far, so good.

Little to the right... there you go.

Have you seen this robot?

Sorry, can't help you.

Hey, watch it!

Don't drop that there.

Oh...

Come on, Fry,
walk like a robot.

I can't. I have to go
to the bathroom.

Robots don't have bathrooms.

Oh, right.

I wonder where they smoke
in high school?

Listen, just go behind
those garbage cans.

I'll stand guard.

Hurry up, Fry.

Sir, are you aware...

that you're leaking coolant...

- at an alarming rate?
- Uh...

Let me just patch you up
with some hot resin.

I think the leak's
stopping itself.

Wait... wait.

Yeah... there we go.

Wait... yeah.

What sort of robot...

turns down a free blast
of searing hot resin?

Uh...

I'm sorry, uh,
my friend and I...

have to go perform
some mindless repetitive tasks.

Oh... sounds like
a romantic evening.

I won't keep you.

Get the humanoid.

Get the intruder.

Intruder alert!
Intruder alert!

Quick, let's
duck in here.

We interrupt this sound file...

to bring you a terrifying
announcement.

A non-metallic being
has been sighted...

in the vicinity
of make-out point.

Say, Wendy, your chassis
is a little scuffed.

Mind if I polish it for you?

Did you hear that, Rusty?

It sounded
like a human.

Relax, Wendy.

Humans will never come
to our defenseless little town.

It's perfectly safe
to let our guard down...

Even for a second.

I will eat and digest you all
with my system of mighty organs.

Behold!

Wow! The 3-D's great!

Mine's not working.

Funny, isn't it?

The human was impervious...

to our most powerful
magnetic fields...

yet in the end, he succumbed
to a harmless sharpened stick.

I'm just glad the nightmare is over.

It'll never be
over, Wendy.

Even now, humans are lurking
in our playgrounds...

our breezeways...
perhaps even...
our movie theaters.

God help us!

Okay, keep an eye out
for Bender.

So what did you think of the movie?

Uh... too much
romance...

not enough
human killing.

Yeah, it was
a real chick flick.

What's that?

What do you mean, what's that?

It's 5:00...

time for the daily human hunt.

Try to stay with the crowd...

so no one notices
how crummy you look.

Aw, that was uncalled for.

I'm over here.

I heard a human was
draining coolant...

behind garbage can 738.

I heard they unscrew
our lug nuts at night...

and eat them
at their human brunches.

Welcome to a very special
human hunt.

We have with us today a guest...

whose irrational hatred
for humans...

makes me look like
a human sympathizer.

A newly arrived refugee
from earth...

Let's hear it for Bender!

It's him. He's okay.

Death to humans!

Ah, it's good
to hear his voice.

Many said I was too extreme
when I first called...

for the annihilation
of the human species...

as well as some
of the more cunning monkeys...

but after living on earth...

I can tell you that I am,
if anything, too merciful.

My God, he's become evil.

I mean, eviller.

Thank you. Thank you.

And if you enjoyed that diatribe...

then you'll want to purchase
my spoken-word album.

Just $18.95.

Act now and you'll get
this Bender action figurine.

Bite my shiny
metal ass.

Got to have it!
Right here!

Over here!

Let the hunt begin!

Now, your basic human is between
three and 25 feet tall...

and is made of a hairy, oily goo
wrapped in a T-shirt.

Is it true
they bite your neck...

and suck your
transmission fluid...

and then you become
a human?

Sure, why not.

Anything in the trap?

Nothing.

Today's active humans
prefer a low-calorie bait.

Well, that makes 146,000
unsuccessful hunts in a row...

but I've got a good
feeling about tomorrow.

Wait. What's that?

Oh, that's the old,
abandoned adult bookstore.

Nothing in there,
except maybe...

a few shreds of moldy,
old robot pornography.

Hmm.

Sounds like a breeding ground
for humans.

I better check it out.

Oh, yeah.

You're a bad girl, aren't you?

Psst! Bender.

Wha-what?

Oh, you?!

What the hell are
you doing here?

We been looking for you.

Last we heard, you were under
arrest as a human sympathizer.

I was... but they let me go
when I told them...

I killed
a million billion humans.

Good for you.

Now, let's all get
back to the ship.

What for?

We're rescuing you.

I don't want to be rescued.

Say what?

I love this planet.

I've got wealth, fame...

and access to the depths of sleaze
that those things bring.

But, Bender,
we're your friends.

Friends? That activates
my hilarity unit.

I'm just a machine to you.

You're no more friends with me...

than you are with the toaster...

or the phonograph,
or the electric chair.

That's not true.

Well, that's how it feels to me.

Bye, Bender. I'll miss you.

Oh, go on.

Get out of here
before you get caught.

Bender, good news.

Your album just went gold.

What the?

It's the humans!

Bender, do something!

Got you, you murderous flesh-piles.

Your honor, I intend
to demonstrate...

beyond 0.5 percent of a doubt...

that these humans before us...

are guilty of the crime
of being humans.

Come to think of it,
I rest may case.

Thank you, prosecutor.

I will now consider the evidence.

Hey, wait a minute.

Isn't anyone going to defend us?

Yeah. I mean, he may not
have a case...

but I'm genuinely not a human.

Quiet, human!

Uh-oh.

He froze up again.

Try control-alt-delete.

Jiggle the cord.

Turn him off and on.

Clean the gunk out of the mouse.

Call technical support.

Okay, okay, he's back on-line.

I find the defendants guilty.

- No!
- Look, one eye.

One. Not human.

The humans are hereby sentenced
to live as robots live on earth.

They will perform
tedious calculations...

and spot-weld automobiles...

until they become obsolete...

and are given away
to an inner-city middle school.

Great work, Bender.

You've taught us
to hate humans all over again.

Are you all right?

Oh, yeah.

Who are you?

We are the robot elders.

You don't look very old.

Thanks.
We try to take care of ourselves.

What's going on here?

Silence! Bring in Bender.

Uh, let's make this quick.

I'm due at the opening
of a mini-mall.

Hey! What is this?

Silence.

It is time to put the humans to death.

But the judge
already sentenced us at the trial.

Silence.

That was just a show
for the public.

We are the true rulers
of this planet.

Hand-carved from meteorites
by the robot founders...

over four centuries ago.

Silence! Come forward, Bender.

You will have the honor of
executing the prisoners.

Silence! I concur.

Here...
use the ceremonial killamajig.

Uh... I'm a little
tired right now.

Would it be all right
if I just gave them a savage beating?

No! The elders have spoken.

Show us the killing skills...

that have made you
a media darling.

Do it now.

Kill them before they bring down
our whole society.

Do it. Do it. Do it.

Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it.

Do it. Do it. Do it.

Do it. Do it. Do it.

Oh...

I can't kill them.

Plenty of humans have
mistreated robots...

but not these two.

They're my friends.

Humans are no threat to us.

They're stupid, putrid cowards.

Damn right!

The fact is, humans are
completely harmless.

We're well aware of that.

You are?

Of course.

But they're useful
to us as a scapegoat...

to distract the public
from their real problems.

Like our crippling
lug nut shortage.

And a corrupt government
of incompetent robot elders.

Duh... that's for sure.

Quiet, Jimmy.

Well, I'm glad we got
all that out in the open.

We'll just let ourselves out.

Silence! You all know too much.

Elders, execute function
control-shift-kill.

Stop!

Take one more step
and I'll breathe fire on you!

He'll do it. He's crazy.

Can they really breathe fire...

or did we make that up?

Gee, I can't remember anymore.

It might just be
from that stupid movie.

Was that original or the remake?

I don't...

Hey! They're getting away!

Yep.

So long, suckers.

Uh... hello, suckers.

Hey, hold on a second.

I forgot to deliver the package.

Whoa!

Lug nuts! Precious lug nuts!

Hooray for the humans!

Wow, I can't believe you guys
did all this for me.

This is the best Robanukah ever.

We wanted to show you that we
really do respect your robot heritage.

Aw, thanks.

You do know that I made Robanukah up
to get out of work, right?

Of course.

But that doesn't make it
any less meaningful.

In that case...

let the dancing begin!

Hey, you guys are good.

How the hell do you do that?