Futurama (1999–2013): Season 1, Episode 4 - Love's Labours Lost in Space - full transcript

This place was a great choice.

The food is amazing.

And such generous portions.

If you liked the meal...

just wait till you try
these after-dinner mints.

You know, Doug, most guys
are put off by my eye.

It's nice to finally meet someone
who's open-minded.

Ew!

What was wrong
with your date last night?

I don't know. Something
I couldn't quite put my finger on.

Possibly his vile lizard tongue.



- You're too picky.
- Yeah.

If you rule out every guy...

with a lizard tongue
or a low I.Q....

or an explosive,
violent temper...

of course you're going
to be lonely.

There's nothing wrong
with having high standards.

Now, can we please...

The female Leela's problem...

is purely medical.

Soon she will drop her eggs
and they will hatch...

and all will be well.

You just have to
give guys a chance.

Sometimes you meet a guy
and think he's a pig...

but then later on, you realize
he actually has a really good body.



Thank you all
for the inspiring advice...

but I'm perfectly happy
with my life...

the way it is.

That sounds like
a cry for help.

Let's all take her out tonight.

There's lots of great places
to meet people.

The Federal Sex Bureau.

A saucy puppet show.

The rotting carcass of a whale.

Mmm... I'll pick.

Oh, wow, it's totally retro.

Why's everyone
wearing those rings?

Guh. Because nobody
wears them anymore.

Rings are stupid.

I think they look cool.

Shh! Don't let anyone
hear you say that.

Hey, did that lad
just say rings are cool?

Nope. He said they're stupid.

Cool!

So what do you think
of that guy by the bar?

I don't know. Maybe.

Forget it. He's gay.

What? How can you tell?

I just know these things.

I've got what they call "gaydar."

There's no such thing.

No?

Okay...
I got a lock on him.

Yup. He's gay.

- Are you sure?
- Definitely.

Unless I'm getting interference
from a gay weather balloon.

You're from the 20th century?

That's incredible.
I'm from the 21 st century.

No way.
We've got so much in common.

We sure do.

Remember when those cyborgs
enslaved humanity?

Uh... yeah.
That rings a bell.

This is Bolt Rollins.

Bolt is a hyper-sled racer...

with ten wins on
the pro circuit.

Hello, beautiful.

I think she means
ten wins on the gay circuit.

I wish.

Those cats can really fly.

This is M-5438,
an entity of pure energy.

That's great...

really, but he's just not
what I'm looking for.

I understand.

One day you will evolve
beyond your physical body...

and on that day...

I hope you will
pick up the phone.

You're impossible.

It's just as well.

I think he comes
from a dimension...

that's big on musical theater.

Psst. I need
the apartment tonight.

Go see a saucy puppet show.

Can do!

My, my, my, what's
a beautiful lady like you...

Oh! Wha... Wah!

I'm sorry,
I thought you had two eyes.

So, Leela...

you must've had
your pick of the litter...

last night at closing time.

Could you guys please stop
talking about my personal life?

Yes. Let's all talk about
Leela's personal life later.

But right now,
we have business to attend to.

A delivery?

No. A tax-deductible
mission of charity.

This is Vergon 6.

- This is Vergon 6.
- Buh.

It's a sunny little
doomed planet...

inhabited by a number
of frisky little doomed animals.

Animals?

That's right.

Animals in desperate need of rescue.

You see, Vergon 6
was once filled...

with the super-dense substance...

known as dark matter...

each pound of which...

weighs over 10,000 pounds.

Wait. What about the animals?

Well, dark matter is extremely
valuable as starship fuel.

That's why it was
all mined out...

leaving the planet
completely hollow.

Yes, but what about the animals?

The what?

The animals.

I didn't say anything
about animals.

Now, it seems the planet
will collapse within three days.

Incidentally...

this will kill all the animals.

So we have to bring
back two of each kind...

Just like Noah's ark.

Why two?

Oh.

I bet you Leela's holding out
for a nice guy with one eye.

That'll take forever.

What she ought to do...

is find a nice guy
with two eyes...

and poke one out.

Yeah. That'd be a time-saver.

Do you mind?

Here you go.

You can use this
as an eye poker.

Thank you, but I don't care...

how many eyes a man has.

As long as it's less than five.

All I'm looking for...

is a guy who's adventurous,
self-confident...

maybe a snappy dresser.

These new uniforms...

are pretty snappy,
eh, First Officer?

I suppose, Captain.

I'm not as big a fan of velour
as you are.

Now, what do you want to do...

about that unidentified ship?

Destroy them.

Mmm...

that's got a nice feel to it.

Stardate 3000.3.

Who are you talking to, sir?

You.

Aren't you getting this?

We've detected a vessel...

attempting to break
the security cordon...

around Vergon 6.

I'm anticipating
an all-out tactical dogfight...

followed by a light dinner.

Ravioli, ham, sundae bar.

Hey, look.

That's Zapp Brannigan's ship.

Wow. The Zapp Brannigan?

Uh-huh.

Who's the Zapp Brannigan?

Shall I fire on them now, sir?

Not yet, Kif.

In the game of chess...

you can never let your
adversary see your pieces.

What?

They say Zapp Brannigan
single-handedly saved...

the Octillian System from
a horde of rampaging killbots.

Wow.

A grim day
for robotkind.

But we can always build
more killbots.

He's the most decorated captain...

in the whole Democratic Order
of Planets.

Leela's got a boyfriend.

No, I don't, but I think
we ought to meet with him...

and see if he'll help us
rescue those animals.

Just in case
you guys hit it off...

you'll want to take this
with you.

Sir, they're headed
straight for us.

A well-calculated move.

Straight out of
Sun Tzu's classic text...

The Art of War.

Or my own masterwork...

Zapp Brannigan's
Big Book of War.

But the one thing
their captain doesn't realize...

and never will is...

Sir, they've docked with us
and have come aboard.

Then I've risked
all and lost.

Kif, old man, I'll be
in the escape pod.

If that wicker chair I like
survives the slaughter...

have it sent to my P.O. Box.

Hello, I'm Leela...

captain of the Planet Express
delivery ship.

We've come aboard
to plead for your assistance.

Well, if there's anything...

I'm in command here.

Zapp Brannigan.

Has my fame preceded me,
or was I too quick for it?

Oh, not at all.

I'm just so, uh...

really thrilled to meet you.

You're an impressive
piece of captain.

Beautiful and deadly.

A potent combination.

You don't mean that.

But I do.

I doubt I've seen more than
three or four captains...

sexier than you...
and only one who was deadlier.

I heard you single-handedly
defeated a horde...

of rampaging somethings in
the something something system.

The killbots? A trifle.

It was simply a matter
of outsmarting them.

Wow, I never would
have thought of that.

You see, killbots have
a preset kill limit.

Knowing their weakness...

I sent wave after wave
of my own men at them...

until they reached their limit
and shut down.

Kif, show them
the medal I won.

More, please.

A little more.

More.

Keep going.

Captain Brannigan,
we really need...

to talk to you
about our mission.

Whatever it is,
I'm willing to put...

wave after wave of men
at your disposal.

Right, men?

You suck!

We're hoping to save the animals
of Vergon 6 from extinction.

Vergon 6?
This light dinner is over.

Wait. What's wrong?

The Democratic Order
of Planets prohibits...

interfering with
undeveloped worlds.

It's a little rule known...

as "Brannigan's Law."

But people already interfered.

That planet was mined
completely hollow.

Yes, by a Democratic Order
of Planets mining crew.

This doesn't make any sense.

I don't pretend to understand
Brannigan's Law.

I merely enforce it.

Fine. We'll save the animals
without your help.

I'm afraid I can't allow that.

Guards.

What just happened?

He's throwing us in prison.

Dang.

Can I get this wrapped up?

Ow!

I might have liked
Zapp Brannigan...

if he weren't
a pompous dimwit...

who threw me in prison.

You really are too picky.

Kif, follow me up
to the observation deck.

I've got some musing to do.

Oh, geez.

I'm facing a formidable
female adversary, Kif.

Suggestions?

I fail to see
any problem, sir.

You already imprisoned her
under directive B10.81.

You mean Brannigan's Law?

Right. That law.

Which one?

Brannigan's Law.

Kif, you're my best
and most loyal friend...

but you've earned
my contempt once again.

As my prot?g?,
you should know...

that the only way to deal
with a female adversary...

is to seduce her.

Oh.

This time we are sure
she's a woman, right?

Yes.

Good. Invite her to my quarters.

Oh, and have the boy
lay out my formal shorts.

The boy, sir?

You. You lay out
my formal shorts.

The jackass wants to see you
in his quarters.

Good.

This will be my chance
to reason with him...

captain to captain.

And he wants you
to wear this.

Come and get it.

Welcome to my
humble chamber...

or as I call it...

the "love-nasium."

Cham-pag-en?

I didn't realize you were such
a coin-a-sewer.

Well, I have studied abroad...

or two.

- Captain...
- Uh-huh?

If we could speak
seriously for a moment.

- Uh-huh.
- I'd like you to reconsider...

letting us rescue those animals.

Mm-hmm.

I like your style.

I find it very...

Erotic.

What?
Erotic!

Erotic! Erotic! Erotic!

We can definitely
escape, Bender.

All you have to do is bend
the hatch off this steam pipe.

Hey, yeah.

No good. It's full of steam.

You look like a woman
who enjoys the finer things.

Come over here
and feel my velour bedspread.

I'm not really in the mood.

Leela, it's real velour.

Just let yourself go.

Can I please just go back
to prison?

You'd rather sit in prison...

than spend one evening
with the Zapper?

Much rather.

What are you doing?

Oh, God, I'm pathetic.

Sorry.

Just go.

You want the rest
of the cham-pag-en?

No. And it's pronounced
"champagne."

Oh, God, no!

It's not a big deal.

I get so lonely.

I just thought you,
a fellow captain, would understand.

Aw, forget it.

Yeah, it's great ordering
people around and stuff...

but through it all,
you're completely alone.

It comes with the job.

I'm just so lonely!

Oh, come on. Cheer up.

It's not that bad.

You want to try escaping again?

Nah, I'm comfy.

Man, Leela's been
gone a long time.

I hope she's at least
making progress...

with Zapp Brannigan.

Good morning, lover.

Uh... listen, Zapp...

Now you're officially my woman.

Kudos.

I can't say I don't envy you.

Zapp, last night was a mistake.

A sexy mistake.

No, just a regular mistake.

For a split second...

my common sense
was overwhelmed by pity.

A split second is all it takes.

That's why sooner or later...

you'll come crawling
back to the Zapper.

The only kind of crawling
I'm doing to you is away...

from.

Leela, you're obviously
confused and aroused.

Look, I'm going down
to Vergon 6

to save those animals
whether you like it or not.

Go ahead. I won't stop you.

Threaten all you...

Wait. What?

We both know you won't make it
halfway to Vergon 6

before the craving sets in.

Then you'll come
crawling back...

for another taste
of sweet, sweet candy.

Bam.

Ugh.

Kif.

Yes... Ugh.

Yes, Captain?

I have made it with a woman.

Inform the men.

The fatso says you're free to go.

Really? Why?

Why indeed?

What does that mean?

Nothing.

So, should we get our stuff
and head down to the planet?

We just talked, okay?

All right, we don't
have much time...

to collect these animals.

The planet is supposed to
collapse in approximately...

two hours ago.

Looking for a snake.
Looking for a snake.

Hello there.

Hmm, he doesn't seem
to be on the checklist.

So you're saying
we can cook him?

Yeah, barbecue.

I'll wear my hilarious apron.

No.

I don't care how hilarious
your apron is.

We're not cooking him.

Aw.

I'll call him "Nibbler."

Aw.

I'll fire up the grill.

I hope he'll be okay in there...

with all those big animals.

Hmm.

You know, Kif,
once my woman returns...

I won't have much time...

to hang out with
the boys anymore.

That's a shame, sir.

So let's make the most
of our time together...

shall we?

Never mind.

Just give me a back rub.

I found a pair
of"hermaphlamingos."

Good. That's
the last species.

- Huh?
- Huh?
- Huh?

Hey, what the...

Where'd they all go?

Nibbler!

I can't believe
we flew halfway...

across the galaxy
and enjoyed a steam...

just to get lunch
for that stupid animal.

He's pending for a bending.

Leave him alone.

It's not his fault...

he's an unstoppable
killing machine.

Is it, snuggums?

The planet's
"kerploding."

Prepare for liftoff.

We're out of fuel.

Bender, I told you
to fill the tank...

before we left.

Yeah, I'll do it
when we get back.

Man, lucky for us
Zapp Brannigan's nearby.

No way. Forget it.

I refuse to go crawling
back to him.

What? What are
you talking about?

Nothing. We just talked.

So what's your problem?

It's not like
you slept with him.

Oh, my God!

Oh, how could you, Leela?

I thought you had
some standards.

I mean, geez, he's
a dumb gross gorilla.

That's enough.

Don't you think I feel
bad enough already?

No.

All right, all right,
I'll call him.

I mean, if living is
that important to you.

And that's why you'll
never make captain, Kif.

Hmm.

Hello, Zapp?

Well, well, well.

Zapp, we're out of fuel.

And Vergon 6
is about to implode.

We need your help.

So crawling back to the Big "Z"
like a bird on its belly.

Delicious.

Birds don't crawl.

They've been known to.

Look, are you going
to rescue us or not?

Can't you ask
a little more sexfully?

Please...

Big Z.

Certainly.

But first you'll have
to get rid of that thing.

That's the law, Leela.

And Brannigan's Law
is like Brannigan's love...

hard and fast.

Now put that greasy rat outside
and we'll tow you to safety.

I would never abandon
a helpless animal.

You know, Zapp, once I thought
you were a big, pompous buffoon.

Then I realized that inside,
you were just a pitiful child.

But now I realize
that outside that child...

is a big, pompous buffoon.

And which one rocked your world?

Wow, way to tell that guy off.

Now what's your
secret escape plan?

Uh... I guess to sit here
and wait for death.

Can do.

What the hell was that?

Phew!

I don't believe it.

It's dark matter.

So this guy just unloaded
a steaming pile...

of starship fuel?

His species must have filled
the entire planet with it.

Did you do that,
you cute little...

Come on.

That should be more
than enough fuel...

to get us out of here.

Bender, pick it up
and put it in the engine.

We made it!

And some of the animals survived.

So a couple of animals...

didn't die,
and Leela got lucky.

That's what I call
a successful mission.

We're heroes!

Dear Captain's Diary...

I may not have found love
on this mission...

but I did find
a cute little companion...

who excretes starship fuel,
and that's just as good.

Stardate, uh...

April 13.

April 13, point two.

We have failed to uphold
Brannigan's Law.

However, I did make it
with a hot alien babe.

And in the end, is that not
what man has dreamt of...

since first he looked up
at the stars?

Kif, I'm asking you a question.

540
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