Fuller House (2016–…): Season 3, Episode 12 - Fast Times At Bayview High - full transcript

(THEME SONG PLAYING)

Good morning, racing fans.

I am off to my first race of the season.

Oh, yeah. I keep forgetting
you're a race car driver.

Have a safe trip, honey.

Are you wearing my good-luck charm?

Yes.

It is riding up my butt.

I have so many questions.

That I do not want answers to.

We're back from the fertility clinic.



Hopefully, we made an embryo.

So, how did it go?

Well, Jimmy certainly enjoyed
being a donor.

He wants to go back for his birthday.

Now we just for the doctor
to call with the news.

I've got a good feeling about this.

You've had a lot of good feelings today.

Mankowski stopped by for some bacon.

And to say hi to my favorite mom.

I'm gonna meet a lot of new girls
in high school,

but they will mean nothing to me.

(CHUCKLES)

Well, I'm flattered.

And uncomfortable.



I can't believe
that was our last sleepover.

I can't believe your dad
took that job in Fresno.

Can I get a group hug
from my favorite family?

Aw, Lola.

Okay. Hug time's over.

You'll always be my first love.

And you'll always be my first...

Jackson.

Goodbye, everybody.

D.J.: See you later.
KIMMY: Bye, Lola.

—Well, time to go.
—Hey.

Since your BFF is gone,
you can hang out with me and Mankowski.

Thanks, guys, but I'm trying out
for the dance team,

which I'll obviously make,

which means I'll have a whole new squad
of friends by lunch.

Aw...

My baby girl is starting high school.

Aw...

And so is my baby boy.

It's okay. I'm here for you.

Girls, here comes Chad.

Hello, ladies.

I'm Chad Brad Bradley,
dance team captain.

Okay, I'll demo some original
Chad Brad Bradley choreog.

Don't you mean choreo?

No. Choreog.

The "og" makes it cooler.

Now try this.

(POP MUSIC PLAYING)

Oh, Genie in a Boftle by Christina.
I love the oldies.

But if you wanted,
you could take this move,

and then add this move,

and give it an original spin.

Literally. Get it?

Are you trying to teach
Chad Brad Bradley how to dance?

GIRLS: Ooh!

I just thought you'd wanna
update your choreo...og.

Because all your moves
are from the '90s.

(GIRLS GASPING)

All right,
I'm gonna make my first round of cuts,

starting with...

You...

And ending with...

You.

This isn't fair.

You know what isn't fair? Is this hair,

and these calves.

Fine.

Matt.

Hi. Oh.

Thank goodness you're back.
I've been so worried.

I haven't heard a thing from you
since Japan.

Where have you been?
And why are you so tan?

Well, I just spent eight days
in Bora Bora,

where I fell madly in love
with someone really special...

Me.

Oh, well, I'm very happy
for the both of you.

(CHUCKLES)

It's all so clear now.

Matthew Harmon doesn't need possessions.

Or a job.

Matthew Harmon just needs

Matthew Harmon.

This is about our breakup in Japan,
isn't it?

No. No.

You and I are totally cool.

But by the way,
this whole pet care thing?

Been there, done that. So, I quit.

What?

Yeah, consider this
my two weeks' notice.

I'm going back to the islands
to open a snorkel and taco shop

called Matt's Snorkel and Taco Shop.

Can we have a real conversation here?

This is the realest that I've ever been.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I gotta go read a book

on how to make tacos.

Jackson, I'm loving high school.

There's all-you-can-eat banana pudding.

And most of the girls

have boobies.

Hey, yeah, never say "boobies" again.

What are we supposed to call them?

That's not something you guys
are gonna have to worry about.

Just try not to embarrass yourself
on your first day.

If you start off a dork,
you'll graduate a dork.

Don't worry,
I'm gonna play it real cool.

Because someday, I'm gonna rule this...

—(EXCLAIMS)
—(TRAY CLATTERING)

Dude. You slipped on a piece of
mayonnaise—slathered baloney. Awesome.

Jackson Fuller, do not move.

It appears you have slipped on a piece
of mayonnaise—slathered baloney.

Hold that.

Mr. Byenberg, I'm fine, really.

No. Remain prone...

Until the school nurse can assess you.

Oh, man.
"Baloney Boy" is already trending.

(SHUSHING)

Jackson, hold this.

Everybody say, "Baloney Boy."

ALL: Baloney Boy.

Ah, you're finally home. I made cookies.

So, tell me all about your first day.

It sucked.

I slipped on a piece of baloney.
I'm the joke of the school,

and now I'm gonna be Baloney Boy
until I graduate.

Better than your
first day of junior high,

when Mom had to bring you backup pants.

So, Jackson had a baloney mishap.

Can't say I'm surprised.

But I know you crushed it.

No, I got crushed.

I was cut from the dance team.

No.

—And then I ate lunch all alone.
—No.

In the janitor's closet.

Shut up.

That's exactly what the janitor said
when I tried to tell him about my day.

Did I hear Ramona?

Yes.

She got cut from the dance team.

No.

And she had to eat alone.

No.

And a janitor was mean to her.

Shut up.

That's exactly what the janitor said.

Ramona needs our help.

And it's gonna require serious meddling.

But I hate to meddle.

You love to meddle.

Oh, yeah, that's right.
I knew it was one or the other.

You know, Matt,
if you're really quitting,

this could be
your last feline cleaning ever.

Yep. And I'm okay with that.

(DOOR BELL CHIMES)

Who's that? We're closed for lunch.

Maybe I forgot to lock the door.

Who was it?

I don't know.
But they left this giant box.

Oh! That's probably the 400 snorkels
that I ordered.

"Please find a good home for Kathy.

"She enjoys belly rubs
and rotisserie chickens.”

(BOTH SCREAMING)

Why do people always drop
their crazy pets here?

Maybe it's time to rethink that
"All Animals Welcome" sign.

(SNARLING)

I know. We'll just lure Kathy

to the other side of the room,
and we'll run out.

Okay. Okay, good idea.
Alligators aren't very smart.

(BOTH SCREAMING)

Except that one.

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Hello.

I just checked into my hotel
in Monte Carlo,

but I forgot to tell someone
to water my tulips.

No. No.

Not now, Fernando.
Matt and I are trapped in here.

Oh, that must be very awkward
after your terrible breakup.

No, no.
There's an alligator in the office.

I believe the phrase is,
"There's an elephant in the room."

No, really. It's an alligator.

It's an elephant.

Listen to me.
There's an alligator in the office.

There is an elephant in the room.

Alligator.

If you don't believe me,
perhaps you will believe Siri.

Siri, is the expression
"Alligator in the office,”

—(SNARLS)
—(BOTH SCREAMING)

...or is it "Elephant in the room”?

—Hello? Hello?
—(GULPS)

How rude.

Man, I just fixed that cracked screen.

(BELCHES)

Oh, I have an idea.

—Uh, they're reptiles...
—Yes.

And they sleep when it's cold.

—Crank up the AC.
—Yes. It's over there.

So, you reach over the alligator,

and I'll hold onto your leg
so you don't fall into its deadly jaws.

Why don't you reach over
the alligator's deadly jaws

and I'll hold your leg?
I won't drop you.

You already dropped me in Japan.

—Yeah, I'll do it.
—Okay.

—Okay.
—All right.

—Matt...
—Here you go.

Okay. Yeah.

—Okay, bring me back.
—Okay.

—Carefully.
—Okay. I got you.

—Yes.
—Yes.

(SHRIEKING)

Go smuggle me a meatball sub.

I'll be in the janitor's closet
with Ramona.

Why don't you give this one more shot?

I think you'll be surprised.

Are all those girls looking at me?

Yep.

To counteract Baloney Boy,
I started a new rumor

that you were the best kisser
at Bayview High.

Really? Me?

Well, I only kissed Lola twice.

And once was on New Year's Eve,
so, that doesn't even count.

Well, according to the internet,
you are now Full Lips Fuller.

And you're a make-out legend.

Go on, make their day.
Blow them a little kiss.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Wow.

This is awesome.

I'm fake news.

So, you're Full Lips Fuller.

I think these rumors about
your kissing skills are bogus.

(SCOFFS) No, they're not.

Google me. I've got mad kissing skills.

That's what I heard.

Then prove it.

Kiss me right now.

Right now? (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

But we're not
in a committed relationship.

Are you Full Lips Fuller?
Or are you Baloney Boy?

Oh, I'm Full Lips Fuller.

Mankowski, yell "Happy New Year."
It puts me in the mood.

Happy New Year!

Whoa, Barbie.

I'll find out.

Wow.

My lips need to sit down.

The rumors are true.

Well, when you're through
with the human Bratz doll,

DM me on Insta.

(SMACKS LIPS)

(GIRLS SMACK LIPS)

(EXHALES)

Oh, man. Thanks for lying for me.

I wasn't lying.

You weren't bad.

Really?
Well, you weren't so bad yourself.

Ah!

I don't need a man to validate me.

How'd you do it?

Show me.

I'm not gonna show you.

(BOTH SHIVERING)

It's so cold.
I wonder if Kathy's getting sleepy.

(SNARLS)

Apparently not.

—It's too bright in here.
—Yeah.

Maybe if we cover her eyes,
she'll think it's night.

Oh, yeah.
Let's give it a shot. Switch me.

Okay.

Okay.

D.J.: Good toss.

Hey, you already made shirts?

Yeah, they turned out pretty nice.

$24.99, if you want one.

Okay. Never mind. On the count of three,
we'll run out together.

One, two, three.

—(GRUNTS)
—Oh!

Sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Bring it in.

—(MATT CLEARS THROAT)
—Oh.

—That was a good plan, Deej.
—Yeah.

Thanks, Matt.

Yeah.

We were a pretty good team in there.

Are you sure you wanna walk away
from Harmon-Fuller Pet Care?

Look, I just don't know
if I can work with you, Deej.

‘Cause the truth is,
I still really care about you.

And I still really care about you, too.

But I don't know if I can see you
every day if we're not together.

I know this is hard.

But we are such great friends,
and great partners, and it...

It would be heartbreaking
not to be in each other's lives.

Isn't there some way we could
work this out?

I don't know.

I'm gonna need some time
to see how I feel.

You mind holding down the fort?

No.

I understand.

But I do hope you come back.

We built this business together.

Wouldn't be the same without you.

(BANGING ON DOOR)

You don't think an alligator
can open a door, do you?

She did close it.

(SNARLING)

Yo, yo, yo.

Wassup, Mona-G?

Oh, God. Please tell me you're not here.

Oh, I'm here.

I can't let my A-One since Day-One
eat alone.

It's me, Max.

Yeah, I know. Everyone is staring at us.

What are you haters looking at?

Mind your own beeswax.

What? The haters gonna hate,
the players gonna play.

Oh, this could not get
more embarrassing.

Wassup, holla backs?

And yet, it is more embarrassing.

Oh, hey, look.
It's my cool friend, Ramona Gibbler.

I'm gonna sit with her,

because that makes me
cool by association.

That's how high school works.

I should know,
because I'm in high school.

What are you guys doing here?

Whatever it is, I can't fix this.

What do we got here?

Lamest rappers ever.

Too small and too old.

(EXHALES SHARPLY)

Whatevs.

B-T-Dubs, I'm A-D-D and down with OCD.

Yeah, you know me.

I'm the notorious Kimmy-G.

You wanna step up?

Bring it on and cut footloose,

because no one puts Ramona Gibbler
in the corner.

Where'd she go?

She's in the corner.

Ramona. Get over here.

Can I do anything to stop this?

You wish.

Hey, rapping granny.

Yeah, Channing Tater Tots?

Are you challenging me
to a dance battle?

I'm not. But my daughter is.

Your daughter?

Yeah. I'm a teen mom.

It's a struggle, but she's worth it.

And she wants to go to war. Dance war.

Oh, it's on.

Dance team, assemble.

One, two, three, four.

GIRLS: Five, six, seven, eight.

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

GIRL: Wow.

(CROWD EXCLAIMING)

What do you got, Slim Jim?

Dance team, assemble.

Yeah.

—No.
—No.

—KIMMY: Come on.
—No.

KIMMY: Come on. Here we go.

—Yeah.
—GIRL: Good luck.

Five, six, seven, eight.

What's up?

Holler.

Dance team, disassemble.

Come on.

—Come on.
—Hey.

(CROWD GASPS)

Chad stumbled.

He never stumbles.

It's a new move...

Called "the Stumble.”

Chad Brad Bradley, don't move.

I'm completely fine.

I got you.

I don't remember you ordering,

but you just got served.

ALL: Ooh...

Yeah, boy.

Fine. Your kid's good.

She can be on the team.

KIMMY: Ramona's on the team.

Five, six, seven, eight.

And sparkle. And sparkle.

And spin. And spin.

And spank, spank, spank, spank.

—Come on, everybody.
—Mr. Byenberg?

And sparkle. And spin. And spin.

And spank, spank, spank, spank.

Yee—haw!

All right, guys. Crank it up.

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

(KIMMY GASPS)

That could be the doctor.

She's right. That could be the doctor.

That could be the doctor.

I know. That could be the doctor.

—Oh! It is the doctor.
—(KIMMY GASPS)

This is Stephanie?

Yes?

No.

Yes.

Okay.

—-KIMMY: Well?
—What did she say?

We have three viable embryos.

Three viable embryos?
That's so much better than two.

Yay!

Oh, my gosh.

—Congratulations.
—I'm so excited.

STEPH: Okay.

Jimmy, this just got real.

I mean, if this baby really happens,
this is a lifetime commitment.

So, I'm giving you one last chance
to back out.

I'm not backing out.

I'm in this thing 100%.

Hold on. Uh...

Sorry, little guy,
I need this more than you do.

Stephanie "Steph" Tanner,

I, James "Jimmy" Gibbler

vow to be your baby daddy.

To diaper and to swaddle,
to burp and to bathe...

(TOMMY BABBLING)

To figure out what he just said.

Tickle and to tuck in,

until never do us part.

Oh, Jimmy.

We're gonna have to get it sized, but...

But I love it.

Aw. You may now kiss your baby mama.

(CHUCKLES)

Aw...

I'm happy for you guys.

Oh, yay! Congratulations.

Oh, yes. So happy for you.

What? I'm throwing Rice...

Krispies.

Mazel fov.

Shalom.

Salud.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

English — SDH