Fuller House (2016–…): Season 2, Episode 13 - Happy New Year Baby - full transcript

(THEME SONG PLAYING)

(SINGING) La, la la la la la Ooh

Whatever happened
to predictability?

The milkman, the
paperboy The evening TV

Ooh

Everywhere you look
Everywhere you go

There's a heart, a
hand to hold onto

Everywhere you look
Everywhere you go

There's a face Of
somebody who needs you

There's a heart
Everywhere you look

Yeah



When you're lost out
there And you're all alone

A light is waiting
to carry you home

Everywhere you look

La, la la la la la Oh...

(DOORBELL RINGS)

Just a minute!

It's always open, Matt.

Happy New...

Oh...

You're not Matt.

Wow!

You don't even
need to sign for this.

Oh, no, I was just expecting
my boyfriend back from India.

Uh-huh.



Thank you.

No, no, no. Thank
you. (CHUCKLES)

Hey, there's a package!

Although not the
package I was hoping for.

Ooh! This is for me.

This is the Argentinean dress

Fernando wants me to wear for
the New Year's Eve party tonight.

Aw, that is so sweet!

And so hideous.

There's no way I'm wearing this.

It's way too big
and bright and loud.

And that's coming from me.

So, what are you
going to tell Fernando?

Oh, I'm going to tell him
the truth. That it never came.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

It's always open, Matt.

Sorry. Not Matt.

Is he coming back today?

No, she always wears
leg makeup for breakfast.

Hey, Deej, I bought so much
awesome stuff for your New Year's party.

And guess what, it was all
90% off. Can you believe it?

Ooh! Yes, I can because
those are from last year.

Would you mind returning
all this stuff, angel food cake?

It's just, there's some stuff I need to
talk to D.J. about, okay, pudding pop?

Yeah, and maybe
D.J. can help you

come up with a nickname for
me that, I don't know, isn't a food.

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

We will work on that, sugar.

- Packet.
- (LAUGHS)

- Love you.
- I love you.

- See you guys later.
- Bye.

Bye, lamb chop.

Okay. Really big news.
You'd better sit down.

That's not the big
news, by the way.

I want to propose to CJ tonight.

- You want to propose tonight?
- Yes!

- In my house?
- Yes.

Right in front of me?

You know, maybe,
or to the side of you.

I haven't figured out where
everybody's standing yet.

Now, listen, I'm pretty sure
I know what I want to say,

but can I run it by you first?

And by run it by you first, I mean
will you please write it for me?

Yes, sure. Of course.

It's always been my dream to write
my ex-boyfriend's marriage proposal.

So, what have you got so far?

Oh, um...

"CJ..."

That's it.

It's a good start.

You know what, I can't say what's in
my heart without food in my stomach.

I'm going to go
nuke a frozen pizza.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

(HUFFS)

- Come in, Matt!
- Hi.

Happy New Year.

How perfect that we are picking up
our adopted baby in San Francisco.

Now we can ring in the
New Year with you guys.

Yeah.

It's almost like every
important moment in our life

always happens in this
house or around this house.

(LAUGHTER)

Seriously, thank you guys
for driving up last minute

to share this beautiful
moment with us.

- Wouldn't miss it for the world, Jess.
- Mmm.

Plus, you're driving me to
my colonoscopy on Monday.

I brought a little friend with
me, hope you don't mind.

(BOTH GROAN)

This is something
I "would" not miss.

- You want to get a drink?
- Yeah.

- Hi, Danny.
- I'll get the luggage.

Hi, Danny. Hi, Jess.

- Bye, Danny.
- Bye.

Bye, Jess.

Okay, this filter makes
us look like we're in Tokyo,

so everyone yell "Happy
New Year" in Japanese.

How do you say that?

I don't know. I
was born in Fresno.

Uh, okay, fine. Uh, say,
"Akemashite omedetou gozaimasu."

ALL: Akemashite
omedetou gozaimasu!

What are you doing here?

Mom said you guys have to include
me in your New Year's Eve party.

So, what's up, my squad?

We are not your squad.

Perhaps you didn't hear me.

Mom said.

So, let's start-ay this part-ay.

Hey, uh, Max.

I think that this part-ay
needs some guacamol-ay,

if you know what I'm saying.

Sure, big bro.

Be back with the dippin',
so don't be trippin'.

Yo, yo.

We got to get
rid of Max tonight.

I know a guy who knows a guy.

Not that kind of "get rid of."

I don't want him messing
up the midnight kisses.

(CHUCKLES) Whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

We haven't agreed to any kisses.

Uh... I did.

Are you still mad at me
about that hippo video?

I said I was sorry.

And I've been giving
you lots of stuff.

I do appreciate the
vanilla scented candle,

and the Quiznos punch card.

If you buy three more
subs, you get a free panini.

But I'm still not
promising any kisses.

I understand.

I can't buy your love with
bribes, gifts and trinkets.

Here, have a Toblerone.

You are a good eater,
little dude. (CHUCKLES)

Well, I've got to admit, adopting a
baby is way easier than being pregnant.

I've already lost
the baby weight.

And you can have one of my
world-famous piña Gibbladas.

Served in a baby bottle
because you're having a baby.

And Fernando's not
ready for a sippy cup. Hmm.

I'm only spilling my
wine because I'm upset.

Kimberlina's Argentinean
dress was lost in the mail.

I checked the tracking online and
they said it was delivered here today.

- They did?
- Yes.

I assume it went to the wrong house,
so I've been up and down the block,

pounding on doors.

You have?

Yes.

And the harder I knock,
the less they answer.

So, I would yell, "Have
you seen my dress?"

And they would yell...

(IN AMERICAN ACCENTS)
"We're calling the police."

(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

I remember when Kimmy and I were kids,
our mom used to feed us creamed spinach.

Only she called it ice
cream. (CHUCKLES)

Yeah.

Can you imagine how upset I was
when I finally tasted real ice cream?

- Hey, hon. You want a Gibblada?
- Oh, yeah.

They are almost as
good as your Gibbler-itas.

Hmm.

Hey, I was thinking,
Steph-Boyardee.

Maybe one day we'll have
one of these baby people.

One that we make together.

What are you talking about?

Well, you see, when a man and a
woman love each other very, very much...

- Jimmy. Jimmy...
- there's a stork involved...

Yes, okay. Yes. I know
how babies are made.

(SIGHS IN RELIEF)

Good, 'cause that talk
is always so awkward.

Yes, it is. (CHUCKLES)

Good job, Cosmo. I wish I
was as regular as you are.

Come on, let us manly men enjoy
this manly drink on this manly lawn

while I build us
a manly campfire.

(LIGHTER CLICKS)

(GRUFFLY) Mmm! Fire good.

- Jess, we are so happy for you.
- Thank you.

Do you realize we celebrated just
like this right before D.J. was born,

almost 40 years ago?

Forty years ago. Man,
we are old farts, aren't we?

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

- Hey, to farts.
- BOTH: To farts.

(SIGHS) Well, you know,
guys, I've been thinking a lot

about who's going to be the
godfather to my new baby.

Well, we're all brothers here,

so whoever you pick,
I'm completely fine with it.

Thank you, Danny,
'cause I picked Joey.

Uh, Jess, I am just so honored.
Sorry, Joey, better luck next time.

- Danny, he just picked me.
- Yeah, Danny, I just picked him.

Oh. Okay.

Thanks, Jess. I'm the
godfather. (CHUCKLES)

(IMITATING VITO CORLEONE)
"You made me an offer I can't refuse."

(LAUGHS) That's good.

I just want to be clear right now that
my feelings are not hurt in any way.

I am completely fine with
this. I'm fine as fine could be.

Look, the only reason why I picked
Joey was because he's still raising kids.

Joey still is a kid.

I am not a kid.

Jess, I think you're forgetting how
wonderful my three girls turned out.

Uh, Danny, with all due respect,

I think you're forgetting that Jess and
I did a lot of the parenting, right, Jess?

Yeah, you know, you'd go to work
all day, we'd be home raising the kids,

and scrubbing the floors,
and gosh darn it, we made sure

we looked beautiful for you
by the time you got home.

Look, if it means that much to
you, you can be the godfather.

No, thank you.

I ain't no scrub.

All right, fine. Joey, you're
back to being the godfather.

No, not after you take it
away and then give it to Danny.

(IMITATING VITO CORLEONE) You
come to me and you say, "Don Corleone,

"bring me justice.

"But you don't
ask with respect."

- Did you memorize that whole movie?
- What movie?

All right, buddy, good night.

Happy New Year, we'll see
you next year. (CHUCKLES)

Hey, Aunt Becky,

does adopting feel any different than
when you were expecting Nicky and Alex?

Well, no one's doing cartwheels
on my bladder, so that's good.

But if you're asking me
how it feels emotionally,

it feels exactly the same.

- Really?
- Yes.

It feels just as
important and exciting,

and I'm already crazy about this
baby and we haven't even met.

Why do you ask?

Well, I found out a while ago that I
won't be able to have kids of my own.

Oh, Steph, I had no idea.

It's all right.

But, you know, one day, maybe
adopting will be an option for me.

And Jimmy, if we
wind up together.

Well, you will make a wonderful
mother to a very lucky child.

Thanks, Aunt Becky.

Has Jimmy been asking
you about having kids?

Yeah, but I think we should start
with a plant first and see how that goes.

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

Do you really think Max is gonna
fall for the old Netflix fake countdown?

Of course he is. The fake countdown
was invented for gullible little kids.

Totally. Your mom
fooled you with it last year.

That's how I know it works.

Okay, teen squad.

Time to get our sugar freak on.

You made it back just in
time! It's almost midnight.

Already?

Seems like it was just 9:30.

Oh! Look at the iPad!

(VOICE ON iPAD COUNTING)

It's almost midnight!

Here we go.

In five...

ALL: Four, three, two, one!

Happy New Year!

(PARTY HORNS BLOWING)

Oh, man, what a night.

- I am bushed.
- (RAMONA AND LOLA YAWNING)

Yeah, that was insane.

Oh, well, I guess it's bedtime.

Mmm. Awesome
partying with you, Max.

That's it?

This New Year's
thing is way overhyped.

Hey, thanks for giving up your
bed and bunking with Tommy.

Here's Uni the unicorn.

Cool hang, man. You're the best
big brother a kid could ever have.

Yep, well, uh, that's
what I've been telling you.

- All right, see you.
- ALL: Bye, happy New Year!

- JACKSON: Sleep tight.
- Gotta get some sleeps. Max out, my peeps.

I have to admit, I will be
happy to see 2016 gone.

First your dress
gets lost in the mail,

and then I see Cosmo dragging
the same dress across the floor.

(SHOUTS) Say what?

Now before you get upset,

there's a very reasonable
explanation for all this.

The dress arrived.

It was hideous, so I
hid it in the dog house.

Thank you for your dishonesty.

Now, goodbye forever.

Why are you still here?

I thought you would go.
I'm not missing the party.

- (DOORBELL RINGS)
- Ooh. Uh...

Come on in, Matt!

Still not Matt.

Oh, wow.

You guys look gorgeous.

We were at the Bay Area
podiatrists' annual New Year's Gala.

We call it the Foot Ball.

(CHUCKLES) The
Foot Ball, get it?

Just because no one laughs
doesn't mean they don't get it.

Where's my boyfriend, Max?

He's upstairs
with the other kids.

Well, then, if you'll excuse
me, my true love awaits.

- Excuse me, honey.
- Yeah.

D.J.

Okay, I've been trying
to memorize my speech,

but it won't stay in my
brain. I keep freezing up.

No, it's okay. We'll
sneak in a practice later.

You guys are being
pretty secretive over here.

No, we're not, you are.

I mean, no, you're not, we are.

I mean... Uh, uh...

(BABBLING)

Max?

Max, wake up. It's Rose.

Rose?

What are you doing here
in the middle of the night?

I'm here for the
New Year's party.

But it's already over.

No, it's not even 11:00 yet.

Look.

(SHOUTS) I've been duped!

By my own brother.

So his wicked teen squad can
have their precious New Year's kisses

without me in the way.

But as God is my witness,
their lips shall not touch tonight!

(SIGHS)

I've never seen
this side of you.

But I like it!

Hey, am I wasting
my time with Ramona?

Well, I mean, she's a great
girl, but you're working too hard.

The hat, the swagger,
the duty-free Toblerone.

Maybe you're right.
Maybe less is more.

Because less of Popko is
more than most girls can handle.

You're doing it again.

Really? I thought
I'd dialed it way back.

Duty-free cologne.

And we...

- Step.
- Step.

So, are you going
to kiss Popko or not?

I don't know.

He's cute, but the
hat, the swagger...

And he wears so
much cologne. (SNIFFS)

- I can smell him right now.
- (SNIFFS)

(CELL PHONE CHIMES)

Oh, it's almost
midnight. Let's go.

The door's stuck!

It won't open.

(BOTH GRUNTING)

- Help!
- Help! Let us out!

Help us! Let us out!

(ALL SHOUTING FOR HELP)

Happy New Year, suckers!

JACKSON: Max, we're
going to miss the countdown.

No, you're not. It
was two hours ago.

I love the way you
handle your business.

I should never have told you about that
time Rusty did this to me and Stephanie.

Jackson had it coming.

He tricked me into
going to bed early.

Well, I'm sure Jackson
learned his lesson.

It's open.

Hey, apologize to your brother.

- I'm sorry, little buddy.
- Don't "little buddy" me.

Come on, guys, let's
go ring in the New Year!

- All right.
- ALL: Let's go.

The only thing I'm going
to ring in is revenge.

Sorry you had to
see me like this.

It's all right, Max. You
didn't choose the thug life.

The thug life chose you.

All these years you guys
have lived here for free.

Do you have any idea how much
money I've saved you both in rent?

You have any idea how much
we saved you in babysitting?

Come on, guys.
It's New Year's Eve.

No, no, no. this is
good. This is good.

After 40 years of non-stop
hugging and those sappy heart talks,

let's get real.

You clearly have something to
say to me, so come on, Danny, say it.

I don't think you
want to go there.

Oh, yeah? Well,
I'm already there.

Well, I think you should leave.

Well, it's a little too late,

'cause I already put my jammies on
and I'm sipping my Sleepytime tea.

Here's the brutal truth.

Forever is not my favorite song.

That is a lie.

Everyone loves Forever.

Do they?

It is kind of a snoozer.

You know, I have a few words
for you that I've been dying to say.

I hate Mr. Woodchuck.

That is a lie. Everyone
loves Mr. Woodchuck.

Do they?

Well, at least Mr. Woodchuck
doesn't dye his hair.

(GASPS)

Mr. Jesse does not dye his hair.

(AS BULLWINKLE) Well, your
pillowcase tells a different story.

Hey, Joey, speaking of hair,

where did you get yours
cut, at a barber college?

Those students
need the practice.

And listen to this, Danny.

The only reason people watch Wake
Up, USA is because they like Becky.

That is a lie.

Everyone loves me.

Do they?

Yes, they do.

Women adore me.

And men find me non-threatening.

Are you sure it's not
the other way around?

Guys. Guys, I need your help.

I want to make
Jackson disappear.

Max, come here.

What are you talking about, son?

I want him lost at sea,

so I need a boat,
a broken compass

and enough gas to get
him to the Bermuda Triangle.

Well... Well, that's
a well-laid-out plan,

but what did Jackson
do to deserve all that?

My own brother
stabbed me in the back.

I know what that feels like.

I thought he was my best friend!

I can relate to that.

You think you know a guy your
whole life and you don't know him at all.

Preach, brother. Preach.

Sometimes people close to you,
they do things that make you mad.

If you hang out with someone long
enough, that's, uh, bound to happen.

Max, let me ask you something.

Do you love your brother?

Is this off the record?

- (CHUCKLES) Yes.
- Yeah.

I guess I love the big dope.

So, the secret to getting
along with people that you love

is forgiveness.

Yeah, 'cause nobody's perfect.

And in the end,

nothing's more important than

loving your bothers.

I guess you're right.

I should go give
my brother a hug.

- Thanks, Grandpa.
- I love you.

- And Uncle Jesse and Joey.
- JESSE: Mmm-hmm.

- All right, buddy.
- (ALL CHUCKLE)

I forgot what a
great team we are.

Yeah, we helped the kid out and I
taught you two jokers a good lesson.

You know, the kid did
have a great idea about

hugging your brothers.

Love you guys.

Well, as long as we're in
the spirit of forgiveness,

come here, little guy.

Aww.

(GRUNTS)

(SPLASHES)

(SIGHS) When I
look into your future,

I see my eyes.

That cannot be right. Let
me see the speech again.

No, no, no. Steve,
you know this.

No, the closer it gets to
midnight, the less I remember.

- Just calm down, okay? And try it again.
- Okay.

(EXHALES)

I remember the first time I
saw you. You were so beautiful.

You're even more beautiful now.

I love you so much.

I knew you were still in love with her.
Steve, how could you do this to me?

No, no, CJ, it's not what you
think. Tell her what we're doing.

Uh... No, I, um...

(STAMMERS) I, okay, I...

Um... I, uh...

- No, I was practicing my proposal to you.
- A little late, Steve.

CJ, wait!

- No, Steve, tell her!
- I've heard enough.

Okay, I'm listening.

I'm blanking.

Literally,

my mind is a burrito.

D.J., help me!

Words say you.

- Ring. Take.
- (STAMMERS)

- Really?
- Really.

Okay. Yeah, it's not weird.
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) Um...

CJ, I remember the
first time I saw you.

You were so beautiful.

And you're even
more beautiful now.

I love you so much, I can't imagine
living a single day without you.

- CJ, will you marry me?
- (GASPS)

(GASPS)

Yes. (LAUGHS)

Yes! Yes! Yes!

(BOTH SCREAMING)

Good Lord, I was gone one week!

Steve, that was so sweet.

I meant every word she said.

Oh, that makes more sense!

MATT: Congratulations!

Way to go, buddy.

Honey, I'm so sorry. They held
me at customs and I lost my...

- Oh, just shut up and kiss me.
- Okay.

(SIGHING) D.J.,

thanks for helping us out.

Oh, you're welcome.

Congratulations, you guys.
I'm so happy for you two.

(CJ AND STEVE LAUGH)

STEPH: Okay, you happy
couples, let's get this party started.

Okay, it's almost midnight. I
am bored with my own anger.

I need my Kimberlina.

Fernando.

Here I am, my Latin prince.

Mi amor, you wore the dress!

And you're right. It's hideous.

Hey, Jimmy, I
need to talk to you.

You know, earlier tonight, you threw
out that whole "Let's have a baby" thing?

(CHUCKLES)

So, you should know
that I can't get pregnant.

Oh, that's okay. Neither can I.

Phew. Feels good to
get that off my chest.

I just want to make sure
it's not a problem for you

because, you know, if
things work out between us,

then we're going to have to
consider other options, like adoption.

All that matters to me
is that we're together.

I love you, Etch-A-Steph.

I love you, too, Jiminy Cricket.

Okay, it's almost
midnight, here we go!

Five...

ALL: Four, three, two,
one! Happy New Year!

(ALL SCREAMING)

("AULD LANG SYNE" PLAYS)

Happy New Year, Joey.

- I love you, bro.
- Love you, too, man.

Uh...

Happy New Year, Ramona.

You're not going
to try and kiss me?

Nah, I don't need a kiss.
I'm just happy to be with you.

Although a kiss is nice.

CJ: Happy New Year.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

JESSE: Shh!

(WHISPERS) Come here. Shh.

Wake up, everybody!

Did someone order a baby?

I'd like you to meet the
newest member of our family.

Pamela Donaldson Katsopolis.

Named after my sister,

your wife, and your mother.

Come on, everybody, come say hi.

Okay, single file, no pushing, no shoving
and no touching without hand sanitizer.

- Hi, Aunt D.J.
- Hey, precious.

- Hi, sweetheart.
- There's your Aunt Kimmy.

- Hi, beautiful.
- Say hi to Aunt Stephanie.

Aww... (CHUCKLES) Wow.

What a crazy night.

I mean, I never thought I'd see
D.J. down on her knee proposing.

To a woman.

But you're cool with
Steve being engaged,

because, you know, you were going
to pick Matt last summer anyway, right?

Well...

Wait, were you
going to pick Steve?

I was.

BOTH: Whoa.

I just thought that
after all these years,

we should see if we
were meant to be together.

But it doesn't matter now.

I'm really happy with Matt.

Hey, baby.

Mmm. I have a feeling this is
going to be our best year yet.

Right, She-Wolves?

(ALL HOWL)

Hey, don't scare the baby, huh?

(BLOWS RASPBERRY)

(ALL HOWL QUIETLY)

Come see her. (HOWLS)

(CONTINUES HOWLING)

(THEME SONG PLAYING)

English -SDH