Fuller House (2016–…): Season 2, Episode 12 - Nutcrackers - full transcript

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(SINGING) La, la la la la la Ooh

Whatever happened
to predictability?

The milkman, the
paperboy The evening TV

Ooh

Everywhere you look
Everywhere you go

There's a heart, a
hand to hold onto

Everywhere you look
Everywhere you go

There's a face Of
somebody who needs you

There's a heart
Everywhere you look

Yeah



When you're lost out
there And you're all alone

A light is waiting
to carry you home

Everywhere you look

La, la la la la la Oh...

Okay, Operation Surprise
Photo for D.J. is a go.

I want to see Christmas spirit
and I want to see Yuletide cheer.

What's the difference between
Christmas spirit and Yuletide cheer?

I also want to
see a Silent Night.

Can we hurry this up?
It's 100 degrees in this suit.

My chestnuts are
roasting on an open fire.

Come on, you guys,
let's get this picture done

before Kimmy
comes home with D.J.

Here we go, see, it's great.

D.J., don't walk
through this door.



Why can't I walk through the...

(GASPS) Oh, Mylanta!
You're taking a family photo!

Oh, okay, I was never here.

But since I am... (GIGGLES)

I always keep one
handy in December.

- Okay, everybody say, "Cheese log."
- Cheese log!

(CAMERA CLICKS)

Oh, e-mail me one of those. I
want to send it to Matt in India.

Who has a dad
that lives in India?

Uh, I'm guessing
a lot of Indians.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

It's always open!

Hey, you guys.

- Hi.
- Hey.

Um, okay, we've got an
after-hour sick pet situation.

This is my daughter, Rose,
and this is her bunny rabbit, Jack,

who's not feeling so good.

I named him after
Jack from Titanic.

It's my all-time favorite movie.

Oh, Titanic is Max's favorite
movie, too, isn't it Max?

(ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYS)

MAX: Why can't I talk?

I must be in heaven

'cause I'm looking at an angel.

Boy, it's windy in heaven.

- So, what's wrong with your rabbit?
- He won't eat.

You hear that,
D.J.? "He won't eat."

I have no idea what
that's like, but, I mean,

it sounds serious.

Well, I am happy to
watch him overnight.

You don't mind having
a little friend over,

do you, Cosmo?

- (ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYS)
- (COSMO SIGHS)

COSMO: Cosmo don't mind.

Hey there, honey bunny.

Wait, am I still wearing
these dumb antlers?

What I put up with
for a can of dog food!

Oh, and when you come
back tomorrow to pick up Jack,

Max and Rose can
have a playdate.

Would you guys like that?

- If Max wants to.
- Yes, I do!

I mean, sure, I can
move some things around.

CJ: Thanks, Deej.

We should head out.

FedEx is delivering the rest
of my nativity scene tonight.

They forgot the baby Jesus.

It's just not the same with
my Urkel doll in the manger.

Bye.

See you tomorrow, Max.

Oh, boy, looks like you've got your
first crush and you're already a mess.

How do you know?

Well, not to brag or anything,

but being awkward around
girls is kind of my thing.

Well, I will see you tomorrow,
Steph-a-roni, my San Francisco treat.

Okay, and don't forget we
have plans Christmas Eve

to go watch Ramona
dance The Nutcracker.

- Right.
- Okay.

Oh, there's something important
I've been meaning to tell you, um...

I've been thinking all day
about the right way to say it

and I believe it's with words.

And the words are,

I've been offered
a job in Auckland.

Whoa.

Auckland?

Are you going to take it?

Maybe. I'm not sure.

Wow, I...

I mean, I don't want to stand
in the way of your career,

but we're in such a good place.

You know, I can't imagine
you being half a world away.

I'm going to miss you so much.

Hey, I'm going to miss you,
too, but it's only a 30-minute drive.

Okay, wait, do you mean

Oakland, California, or
Auckland, New Zealand?

Auckland, California.

Okay, hold on.

- Say, "Oak."
- Oak.

- Now say, "Land."
- Land.

- Now say, "Oakland."
- Auckland.

I need to go lie down.

Hey, hold on. Are you upset because
you thought I was going to leave you?

Steph, that'll never happen.
I love you, you're awesome.

- Wait, what did you just say?
- "You're awesome."

No, before that.

"Steph, that'll never happen."

After that.

"You're awesome."

Okay, I really need to
go lie down. (CHUCKLES)

Okay.

I love you.

(MOUTHS INAUDIBLY)

Hey, Ramona.

Why did you send me a text

saying you had to tell me
something you couldn't text?

Because sometimes the written
word just doesn't tell the whole story.

That's what emojis are for.

Have a seat.

So, you know how I'm playing the
Mouse King in The Nutcracker, right?

Well, the thing is,

they extended the show and I
have to perform tomorrow night.

But tomorrow night's
my Christmas Eve party.

You're really not coming?

I know. I feel so bad.

This is the part where
you tell me you understand

and we're still best friends.

Okay.

I understand.

I just wish you could come.

Merry Christmas.

Hey, Lola.

What's this?

Is it mistletoe?

Not a good time.

- Hi, Lola.
- Hi, Dr. Fuller.

Oh, mistletoe!

(WHISTLING)

Oh, hey. I didn't
know you were here.

Steph, I want to apologize
about what I said last night.

Yeah, I wasn't
expecting that at all.

Turns out you were right.

It's pronounced "Oak-land."

Anyways, I wanted
to make it up to you,

so I decided to build
us a gingerbread house.

I even built gingerbread
Jimmy and Stepho.

(CHUCKLES)

Steph, you sure are sweet,

and that's not just 'cause
you're mostly sugar.

(GIGGLES, MIMICS KISSING)

Cute.

Cute? This is adorable.

Okay, yeah. It's adorable.

You're acting weird.

Is this because I said,
"I love you," yesterday?

(STAMMERS) What? You
said that? I didn't even hear it.

Well, then I'll say it again.

I love you.

(STAMMERS) Well, I
definitely... I heard it that time.

You know, sometimes when people say
"I love you," the other person says "I..."

I thank you and I bid you a fond
farewell. (NERVOUS CHUCKLE)

You didn't have
to bite my head off!

And now, onto my favorite
herbivore, sauropods,

which includes the
Brachiosaurus, Apatosaurus

and Dip, Dip, Dip...

Lodocus.

You're incredible!

You're incredible-er.

Rose, I could play it cool,

but life is short.

And so are we.

What I'm trying to say
is you're my dream girl.

(GASPS)

Oh, Max!

Give me your hand.

Now close your eyes.

Take a step up.

Do you trust me, Rose?

I trust you.

Okay, now open your eyes.

I'm flying, Max!

(GASPS) I'm flying!

It's like we're on the Titanic.

(INHALES) I can
almost smell the ocean.

Oh, no, that's my fish tank.

I have something for you.

Turn around.

I hope you like it.

Can you please
pull up your hair?

Oh, Max, you shouldn't have.

Oh, yes, I should have.

(GASPS)

It's just like Rose's
necklace in the movie.

Only...

"Made in China."

Hmm.

May I help you down, my darling?

Why, thank you.

Rose, I don't want
this playdate to end.

Will you accompany me
to the ballet this evening?

I would be delighted.

Milady.

Why does Jackson
find this so difficult?

(GIGGLES) Wow!

Merry Christmas to me!

Good news for Jack.

It was mild indigestion.

No more Pad Thai before
bedtime for that little fella.

(LAUGHS)

We have an announcement.

We're in love.

Wow! That was some playdate!

Deej, is that the heart necklace
I gave you in 10th Grade?

- I don't know, is it?
- Max, where did you get that?

From a shoebox under my mom's
bed labeled "D.J. and Steve forever."

That is not a thing that I have.

It's right there. I
forgot to put it away.

Wha... Oh!

(D.J. GIGGLES NERVOUSLY)

Oh!

You mean this "D.J.
and Steve forever" box.

I just use this for
my tax receipts.

So, it's actually "D.J.
and Steve Goldfarb,

"my accountant, forever" box.

Well, if you'd excuse us,

I'm going to go
treat my true love

to a string cheese
and an apple juice box.

Oh, my goodness!

Apple juice is my favorite
kind of juice, except for...

- Cranapple.
- Cranapple.

Where have you been all my life?

My mom's house.

Why, thank you.

Deej, I love that you kept that
silly little necklace all these years.

You know, I won that for you
at the arcade on our fourth date.

Oh, yeah, you surprised
me with it on the Ferris wheel.

Oh, you were such a romantic.

(SIGHS)

Hijita?

I cannot wait to see you
perform as the Mouse King.

Aww. It's every father's dream
to see his little girl play a giant rat.

I just wish I didn't
have to go tonight.

But, honey, you're so
good. What's wrong?

(SIGHS) Lola's mad at me
because I have to miss her party.

I feel like I'm about
to lose my best friend.

I just wish I could be
at two places at once.

Wait! Idea hatching...

(STRAINING)

And idea hatched!

You don't go on
until the end of Act 1.

So, what if Papa drives
you to Lola's party for an hour

and then gets you back to the
theater right before your entrance?

Best idea you've ever hatched!

Every now and then she
really lays a good one.

Why do I have to
sit through a ballet?

Because we support Ramona the same
way we support you in your activities.

I don't have any activities.

And we're very
supportive of that.

(SIGHS)

Sweetheart, we
really need to talk.

And we will, babe, but, uh, I really
need to go talk to my sister right now,

so I really... Excuse me,
just scoot down there,

I know, I know, I'm sorry, just
why don't you go... Just relax.

(GRUNTS)

Hi.

Pretend to talk to me.

(MOUTHING)

So, if I have this right,

this thing is about a girl who
dreams that a nutcracker kills a rat.

And it's going to
take three hours.

(SIGHS) Wake me
up when it's over.

Pardon me.

Yep, excuse me, everybody
just scoot down, sorry,

I have boat feet,
so if you could just...

- JACKSON: Ow!
- No, it's no big deal. Yeah.

Oof!

(SIGHS)

Hey, I'm back.

I missed you, sweetie pie.

(STAMMERS) I missed you,
too, babe. (NERVOUS LAUGH)

You know, I should get back to
my assigned seat. Excuse me...

Seriously?

Okay. Ow. Ow.

Thank you.

Excuse me... Okay.

Okay. Hi.

Pretend to talk to me.

(MOUTHING)

You know, this is how you
should always speak to me.

How rude!

(SIGHS) Oh, Max, the only way
this could be any more romantic

is if were freezing in
the North Atlantic Ocean.

Clinging to a floating door.

I could scoot over so you could
climb on, but for some reason, I don't.

(CELL PHONE RINGS)

I need to take this. It's my psychic.
She predicted I would get this call.

Hi, Mom.

Ramona, where are you?

Papa got lost. We've
been driving in circles.

I'm a race car driver,
that's what I do.

We're going to be late.

Okay, don't worry. I'll take care
of this. I'll figure something out.

Excuse me, pardon me.
Sorry. Just one more time.

Last time. Sorry. Sorry.

- I'm trying to take a nap.
- Just one more time.

Excuse me, pardon me. Excuse me.

- What...
- I just have to go to the ladies' room.

- Take me with you.
- Ah!

(NUTCRACKER MUSIC PLAYING)

(FAKE YAWN)

Oh, Max.

You don't have to fake yawn.

I like your arm around me.

Why do you find
this girl thing so hard?

(SIGHS)

(WHISPERS) Oh,
look, there's Ramona!

The lighting makes
Ramona look just like Kimmy.

- It is Kimmy.
- Of course it is.

Oh!

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm new
here. Sorry about that.

Oh!

Okay, now that was
your fault, just saying.

Hyah!

(GRUNTING)

Hyah!

(SHOUTING)

Yah!

(THUD)

(GROANS)

This is better than I thought.

What did I miss?

Well, Kimmy's taken over as the Mouse King
and she just nutcracked the Nutcracker.

Of course she did.

(NUTCRACKER MUSIC CONTINUES)

Five, six, seven, eight...

And sparkle, and
sparkle, and spin, and spin,

and spank, spank, spank...

And gallop, and
gallop. That's right!

Keep galloping!

I'm sorry I'm late, I'm ready,
but I can't find my crown.

That crazy lady has it.

That crazy lady's my mom!

- Of course she is.
- (SIGHS)

- Mom, what are you doing?
- The Gibbler Gallop.

But now,

it's Hammer time.

I need a new
Nutcracker, so you're it.

Suit up.

(NUTCRACKER MUSIC CONTINUES)

And we're shopping,
and we're shopping.

Macaroni.

Get the beans, check the date.

It's expired, put it back.

We're still shopping.
Let's conga.

- Do-do-do-do-do - DANCERS: Hey!

- Do-do-do-do-do - DANCERS: Hey!

Now get out there
and kill your mother.

Sorry, Mom, I'm
here to kill you.

But everyone loves me.

Mom, the Mouse King always dies.

Not tonight, sucker.

(GROANS DRAMATICALLY)

It hurts! Oh! It hurts.

(GASPS, SOBBING)

I gave you life!

You gave me death!

(WHEEZING)

Mom, just die already.

I'm trying. Stop interrupting.

(GROANS)

(SOBBING)

(CHEERS, APPLAUSE)

Wait! Wait, I'm not dead yet.

Mom, I've got to wrap
this up, people are leaving.

(GROANING)

Remember me how I was.

The most beautiful
mouse in the world.

(CHEERS, APPLAUSE)

I noticed Jimmy's RV is gone.

Yeah, I don't want
to talk about it.

Okay. Mind if I sit
with you and wrap?

Sure.

(RAPPING) I'm D. J.
Fuller And I'm here to speak

It's Christmas Eve
And I'm a rhyming freak

I'm gonna keep on rappin'
Till your lips start flappin'

(BEATBOXING)

Okay, okay, okay...

Fine. I'll talk.

What's up with you and Jimmy?

(SIGHS) He's just
acting like a total jerk.

What did he do?

Well, first he said Auckland
when he meant Oakland.

The nerve.

Right? And then he made
gingerbread cookies of the two of us.

He's a monster.

And when he told me he loved
me, he expected me to say it back.

Ah, now we're getting somewhere.

And now I'm done talking.

(RAPPING) My
1-year-old is fast asleep

I got all night to lay this beat

A wiggedy, wiggedy,
wiggedy, wack

Please stop.

All right.

I don't know.

When Jimmy said, "I love
you," I just... I couldn't say it back.

Okay, I hate to say this, but I
think you have a fear of commitment.

How long was your
longest relationship?

Five and a half years.

If you add up all 12 of them.

See? You have a pattern.

As soon as you realize you care
about someone, you run away.

I do not.

- I got to run.
- What... Uh-uh.

I have a hunch why
you're doing this.

Do you remember how
we felt when Mom died?

No. I mean...

I was only four.

Well, I remember.

And I didn't leave Dad's
side for months, but you...

You disappeared in your room
and you hardly talked to anyone.

Except for Mr. Bear. (CHUCKLES)

He was always a good listener.

I think when we lost Mom,

you kind of built a
wall around your heart

so you wouldn't have
to hurt like that again.

Not that I blame you.

Wow.

Yeah.

You're right.

I'm pushing Jimmy away because

I'm afraid of getting hurt.

And if you don't let people in, then
you're going to miss out on so much love.

Yeah.

(SIGHS) I really screwed
things up with Jimmy.

Well, then go call him!

He doesn't want to talk
to me, he already left.

Well, don't let
this one get away.

Okay, you two
are great together.

Thanks, Deej.

You're a pretty good therapist.

But you're a terrible rapper.

(CHUCKLES) You know, actually,

I have a few thoughts on
your relationship patterns.

Oh! Oh.

Look at the time.

(BEATBOXING)

(SHOUTS) Come in
here, people. Hurry up!

It's about time.

Who asks an 8-year-old
to "watch the presents"?

It's like asking a
shark to babysit a seal.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

ALL: It's always open!

- ALL: Hi!
- (GASPS) Merry Christmas!

Thanks again for
coming to my party.

Did you really stab your mother?

Twice, actually. It was awesome!

I should go. These are
for you and Jackson.

And I have one for you.

Merry Christmas.

(CLICKS TONGUE) Aww.

Thanks, Jackson.

- I've got to get back to Grandma's.
- All right, see ya.

- Bye.
- Bye.

- What did you get her?
- No idea.

I didn't know she was coming. I
just grabbed the first present I saw.

Happy holidays, everybody!

Hi!

Jack is back, and he's eating
again. We just split a veggie frittata.

We wanted to drop this off as a
thank you for taking care of Jack.

Oh, thanks!

Wow! It's as big as a
truck tire. (CHUCKLES)

So are the diamonds on my
Christmas present from Steve.

Oh. They're beautiful.

I love you, CJ.

Boop.

I love you, Steve.

Boop.

Merry Christmas, Dr. Fuller.

I wanted to give you this back.

Oh, you can keep it.

No. It was yours first.

And my mom does
not want it in the house.

(CJ CLEARS THROAT)

Merry Christmas, Max.

Oh!

It's a brontosaurus!

You really get me.

And I have a gift for you, too.

Mom, I need your
earrings right now.

Max, these are real gold.

And this is real love.

It's okay, Max.

Our love isn't about gifts.

It's about us being soul mates.

I'm the king of the world!

Feliz Navidad, Tanner-itos!

Oh, Jimmy!

Jimmy! Hi!

Hi!

Jimmy, your RV was gone.
I thought you'd left forever.

Nah, I always save my
shopping for last minute.

That's how I get Christmas
gifts at Hanukkah prices.

I'm so sorry I pushed you away.

I feel the same way you do.
I love you. You're awesome.

Wait, what did you say?

"I feel the same way you do."

No, after that.

- "You're awesome."
- No, before that.

"I love you."

I knew I heard that.

I love you, too, Steph-a-claus.

Okay, now can we please
open some presents?

- Yeah!
- FERNANDO: Let's open our presents!

(LIVELY CHATTER)

COSMO: A treat for my sweet.

I hope she knows I
don't dress myself.

JACK: I hope he knows I'm a boy.

(LIVELY CHATTER CONTINUES)

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

English -SDH