Full House (1987–1995): Season 3, Episode 22 - Three Men and Another Baby - full transcript

[♪♪♪]

Daddy, Joey, come here!

What's the matter, honey?

There's a monster in my closet.

Oh, Michelle, we've been
through this a hundred times.

There's no such
thing as monsters.

Uh-huh. There's
a Cookie Monster.

Cookie Monster's
not a real monster.

He's just a sugar freak

who got stuck with
a scary last name.

I'm telling you, there's
a monster in my closet.



All right, Michelle. I
am gonna prove to you

that there's no
monster in your closet.

Be very careful.

Look, honey.

[ROARING]

Gotcha!

Oh, yeah. You guys got us.

Way to go, Michelle! Yes!

What is this thing?

That's very attractive.

Your old Halloween...

[JESSE FREDERICK'S
"EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK" PLAYING]

♪ Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahhh ♪

♪ Ahhh ♪



♪ Whatever happened
To predictability ♪

♪ The milkman The paperboy ♪

♪ Evenin' TV? ♪

♪ How did I get
Delivered here? ♪

♪ Somebody tell me, please ♪

♪ This whole world's
Confusin' me ♪

♪ Flowers as mean ♪

♪ As you've ever seen ♪

♪ Ain't a bird Who
knows your tune ♪

♪ Then a little voice
Inside you whispers: ♪

♪ "Kid, don't sell your
dreams So soon" ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ There's a heart ♪
♪ There's a heart ♪

♪ A hand to hold on to ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ There's a face ♪

♪ Of somebody who needs you ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ When you're lost out
there And you're all alone ♪

♪ A light is waitin'
To carry you home ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahhh ♪

♪ Dooby-doo-baa-ba-daa ♪

[♪♪♪]

Okay.

[EXHALES]

Freeze! Stop!

Take off your shoes.

Oh, that's right, it's Friday.

And Friday is...

[BOTH]: Mop-till-you-drop day.

DANNY: Comet! Wipe your paws,

I just mopped! Comet, come back!

Don't you know it's
mop-till-you-drop day?

Comet. Comet.

Oh, man, it's a good thing you
start obedience school tonight.

You know, some dogs your age

are pulling sleds
or herding sheep.

All I want you
to do is sit, heel,

maybe do an occasional
load of laundry.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Comet!

Comet, come back.

Okay, get it outta your system.

Hi. Hi.

Here's the baby.

Thanks for letting
Tony sleep over tonight.

Oh, hey, what are neighbors for?

I get 3.50 an hour, plus
tips and all I can eat.

Which is no big deal
because it's my food.

[LAUGHS]

You're a prince, man.

Here's a list of
emergency phone numbers.

And here's Tony's
nutritionally-balanced,

cholesterol-free,

oat bran-enriched baby food.

Sort of like Purina Yuppie Chow.

Well, thanks.

Oh, oh, one more thing.

Tony won't bond
with just anybody.

So don't take it personally
when you pick him up

if he screams his guts out.

[LAUGHS]

Why aren't you laughing?

You'll see.

Okay, Tony.

What do ya say we
do a little bonding?

Yeah, you look psyched.

Let me, uh, warm
up your bottle for ya.

And I'm gonna put you

right over here
where I can see you.

Now, don't you move.

[FRONT DOOR OPENS]

Come in.

I can't wait to
get in the kitchen.

I haven't cooked for
you guys in months.

Oh, we can't wait
either, sweetheart.

Whoa, baby in the house.

Look, Jess, he's so cute.

Sure, you see cute.
I see smelly diapers.

Joey, where'd the
baby come from?

Well, ya see, Jess,

when two people
really love each other...

I know that part.

This baby. Where did
this baby come from?

Oh, this is Tony Kagan
from across the street.

We're babysitting him tonight.

[CRYING]

What did you say?

You want your Uncle Jesse?

No, no, no.

JESSE: Kid. Kid.

Trust me, you want
nothing to do with me.

No, no, no. You want
your Uncle Jesse.

No, you don't. Yes.

[CRYING STOPS]

Aw!

[CHUCKLES]

What did I ever do to you?

Face it, Jess, the
kid just loves ya.

Which is great, because
I gotta take Comet

to obedience school.
Will you watch him?

You're dreaming!

Oh, come on,
sweetie. It'll be fun.

We'll get to play Mom and Dad.

Great. We'll call a babysitter.

Jess, you can't fool
me. I know you love kids.

His bottle's in the sink.

Come on, Comet,
let's go. Heel, heel.

Comet, heel.

Stay.

Comet, wait for me.
Comet, get in the car.

Comet, not that car.
Come back with my dog!

All right, that's
enough baby bonding.

Here ya go, chief.

Michelle, this is Tony.

Tony, Michelle.

Very nice to meet you.

Can you do this?

Can you do this?

[BECKY LAUGHS]

Can you do anything?

Yeah, I bet he could laugh.
Let's tickle him, okay? Ready?

[TONGUE TRILLING]

My turn.

[TONGUE TRILLING CONTINUES]

[JESSE LAUGHS]

Tony, I used to be really cool.

[♪♪♪]

Homework halftime.

Oh, thanks, Joey.
I'm in big trouble here.

Are you any good at math?

Well, I hate to brag,

but I did sleep through a
whole year of Honors Calculus.

What's the problem,
Deej? Lay it on me.

Okay, here it is.

"Bill is throwing a party.

"He wants to buy a pound
and a half of mixed nuts.

"One-third is almonds,
two-thirds are walnuts.

"The total cost is $7.50.

The almonds cost $4.00 a pound.
How much do the walnuts cost?"

The guy's name was Bill?

All right, who wants to
play with the munchkin?

ALL: I do! I do! I do!

Joey, you have homework.

Look at those little fingers.

Oh, look how adorable.

Hi! Oh, I always
wanted a baby brother.

Oh, I can't take this.
I'm taking a baby break.

[ALL COOING]

As much as I wuv baby
talk, I weally have to weave.

[CRYING]

DANNY: Aw.

ALL: Uncle Jesse,
Tony wants you.

He's not crying just
'cause he wants me.

[CRYING STOPS]

Hey, listen, this "I don't
cry around Uncle Jesse" bit

was cute at first,
but now it's, uh...

Okay, it's still cute.

Ready? Come on. Flying baby.

Here we go.
Ready? Flying baby...

Oh, boy, jumbo jet.

Here we go!

Look out, flying baby!

Wide-body.

Coming in for a
landing, it's a bird.

It's a plane. It's Super Baby!

Hey, I'm Super Baby.

No you're not.
You're Super Big Girl.

Okay, here we go, chief.
Coming in for a landing!

Hey, that's my crib.

Michelle, you don't
need a crib anymore.

You're a big girl. You
sleep in a big-girl bed.

Here, Tone, want
some toys, buddy?

Here, Tone. There you go, buddy.

Those are my toys.

Well, Michelle, Tony needs
some company while he sleeps.

In my room?

Michelle, you have
to learn how to share.

Now, today it's
Tony's room too, okay?

This is nuts!

All right, big Tone,
I'll sing you a song,

and you'll go to sleep.

Here we go.

♪ Good night, my love Mm-hm ♪

♪ Pleasant dreams
Sleep tight, my love ♪

That's my song.

♪ May tomorrow Be
sunny and bright ♪

♪ And bring you closer To me ♪

Uncle Jesse doesn't
like me anymore.

[♪♪♪]

Hey, guys, I finally got it.

I finally figured out
D.J.'s math problem.

According to my calculations,

Bill can buy a pound
of walnuts for...

[RATTLING]

Fifty-three thousand dollars.

Well, that's what the
Pentagon would pay.

Too spicy?

No, no. I always cry
when I eat chicken.

It's pasta.

Uncle Jesse, come
with me, please.

Okay. Where are we going?

To see Tony.

What's the matter with
Tony? He's still here.

Come on, Beck,
check this out with me.

What about my dinner?

Just let it fester.

I mean simmer.

Ow!

Hello, Mohammed's House of Nuts?

Yes, hello, my
name is, uh... Bill.

Yeah, look, I'm uh...

I'm having a party, and
my nut budget is exactly...

$7.50.

Now, if a third of my
friends like almonds,

and almonds cost... Let's see.

$4.00 a pound...

No, this isn't for homework.

Yes, I know I'll never
learn if I don't do it myself.

Time to go home. Bye-bye, Tony.

Michelle, that wasn't very
cool. You woke up the kid.

Good, now he could go home.

Oh, Michelle, you
don't mean that.

Oh, yes, I do.

All right, come on, buddy.

Here we go.

Here we go, Tony. Okay, bud.

My turn. Carry me.

I'm taking care of
the baby right now.

I'll carry you later, okay?

You okay, Tony? You okay, buddy?

Hey, Jess.

I think that Michelle's
jealous because Baby Tony's

getting all of her
uncle's attention.

Now she wants to be the baby.

What would give you
a crazy idea like that?

Well, intuition, instinct...

and the fact that
Michelle's sitting in the crib,

sucking her thumb.

I'm a baby.

Here.

Michelle, you're not a
baby. You're a big girl.

Goo-goo, gah-gah.

Beck, we gotta do
something about this.

Well, I think the
obvious thing to do

is to reward Michelle
for acting like a big girl.

[SCOFFS]

You obviously know nothing
about child psychology.

Oh, really?

Yes, really. It's very simple.

You just have to
look 'em in the eye

and lay down the law.

Watch... and learn.

Should I take notes, O wise one?

Wouldn't hurt.

All right, Michelle,
now come on.

Stop clowning around.

You get out of that thing

and start showing us
what a big girl you are.

Waah!

Ready to try the reward method?

Oh, please, that never works.

Well, if you try it,

I'll give you one of
my special back rubs.

It's worth a shot.

Why, because I'm
gonna reward you?

Well, maybe. Just
'cause you tricked me,

doesn't mean Michelle's
dumb enough to fall for it.

Deej, I've been working on
this problem for over an hour,

and the answer is...

you're never gonna
use algebra in real life.

Joey, I... No, I let you down.

Now you'll never
get into college.

You'll end up
working in some diner,

serving chicken-fried
steaks and creamed corn

to truck drivers named
Tiny and Duke and Buck.

Joey, relax.

I called the Homework Hotline,
and they helped me do it.

See, X is the total.

Y is the price of a
pound of walnuts.

So the walnuts are Z,

and Z equals X
minus Y divided by two,

which makes the price
of the walnuts $5.50.

Oh, sure, it's easy
when you use letters.

I was using real nuts.

All right, Deej, give
me another problem.

Okay.

Okay.

Here we go. Page 62...

And numbers one through 20.

Show all your work.
Neatness counts.

I'll get right on it.

Doing my homework.
Can't talk now.

Who wanted to talk to him?

All right, listen girls, I'm
having a little problem.

I wanna ask you about something.

I've been kinda hanging
around with Tony,

and Michelle's getting jealous.

You know, and Tony's a baby,

so Michelle's
acting like a baby,

and I figured maybe I'll
give her something special

to reward her for
acting like a big girl.

So do you guys have any ideas?

Well, you know, Michelle
has had her eye on Mr. Bear

ever since she could crawl.

So, what's your point?

Well, you always
said that one day

you were going to give
Mr. Bear to Michelle.

Well, when I said "one day,"

I meant, like, her wedding day.

Here, why don't you give
her your Pillow Person?

Because Mr. Bear
is a child's toy.

My Pillow Person is a
sophisticated companion.

Please. Sophisticated?

It's got arms and legs
growing out its face.

I say we let Michelle decide.

Fine with me.

It is a stupid-looking pillow.

Michelle, pick a toy.

Haven't you always wanted
this darling little bear?

I'm sure you'd rather have
this sophisticated companion.

You don't want this
boring, square person.

But he's much better than
this disgusting, yucky old bear.

I'll explain later.

Michelle, if you get
one of these toys,

you're gonna have
to act like a big girl,

because these are big-girl toys.

Capisce?

Capisce.

♪ Eenie meenie minie mo ♪

♪ Catch a tiger by the toe ♪

♪ If he hollers, let him go ♪

♪ Eenie meenie minie mo ♪

I pick Mr. Bear.

Oh, thank you,
thank you, thank you!

Goodbye, old friend.

Hello, new friend.

I'm proud of you, kiddo.

Well, if it makes
Michelle happy,

I guess it was worth it.

What have I done?

Well, I guess I
took care of that.

Turn around.

Michelle, get out of the crib.

She's back in the crib?

If she's still acting like
a baby, the deal is off.

I want Mr. Bear back.

No.

Ah, well, I'll go
get Tony a bottle.

Take care of this,
will you, Beckala?

Gimme Mr. Bear!

His name is Willie!

You changed his name?

You got it, dude.

[♪♪♪]

Jesse.

You are gonna be
so proud of this dog.

And you're gonna
be proud of me too.

They taught you to heel?

No, the instructor taught
me how to control Comet.

You know, the relationship
between a dog and his master

can be a beautiful thing.

Now, behold, the new
and improved Comet.

Comet, lie down.

Comet!

He will lie down eventually.

And when he does,

I'll be waiting with
a doggy yummy.

Danny, I'm glad you're here.

Listen, I had a little
problem with Michelle.

You know how I've been
hanging out with Tony?

You know, Michelle's
starting to freak out.

She's acting like a baby.

Aw, poor kid.
How'd you handle it?

Well, I told her
to straighten up

and start acting like an adult.

And when that didn't
work, what'd you do?

Well, we tried
giving her a reward

for acting like a big girl.

You tried to bribe her?

Don't cheapen it.

What should I do?

Well, I think if
you want Michelle

to act like a big girl,
you have to talk to her

like she's a big girl.

In words that she'll understand.

You got it, dude.

All right, Michelle.

It's time for a special
uncle-to-niece talk, okay?

I'm not giving Willie back.

All right, Michelle.

Now, you tell your Uncle Jesse

why you're having
a bummer of a day.

You like Tony better than me.

Oh, Michelle, that's not true.

You're my best pal.
We go back three years.

You gave Tony my
room and my song.

I was just trying to be
nice to our new friend.

But I should have
asked you first.

'Cause I'd never wanna
hurt your feelings, pal.

You wanna know why?

Why?

Come here.

I'll tell you why.

[♪♪♪]

'Cause you make
me laugh, Michelle.

You make me smile.

You make me feel good
about caring about somebody.

I do that?

Yeah, you do that.

Michelle, you and I are
gonna be together forever.

And Tony's leaving tomorrow.

He is?

[CHUCKLES]

Yes, he is.

And I want you to
know something.

There's gonna be a lot of people
that come in and out of my life.

But you're always
going to be number one.

You're gonna be my best
pal, my buddy, my sidekick.

You know why?

Why?

'Cause I love you
very, very much.

How much?

Wanna know how much?
I'll show you how much.

I love you... this much.

Wow!

How much do you love me?

This much. That much?

Oh, our arms are
open. We have to hug.

It's a given, it's a given.

Michelle, I've been
thinking about it,

and you know,

you might need that
bear more than I do.

So have a nice life
with Mr. Bear. I mean...

Willie.

Here, you can have Mr. Bear.

Michelle, I love you so much.

Everybody loves me.

That was a wet kiss.

I'm hip.

Come here.

Let me tell you
something, Michelle.

That was very nice that
you gave the bear back.

You really are a big girl.

I'm hip.

How'd we do?

Ah, we did pretty
good, didn't we?

Wanna make friends with Tony?

Yes, I would.

Tony, you're a nice baby.

[CHUCKLES]

Give Tony a kiss.
Give him a kiss.

Aw.

You know, one day, you're
gonna make a great dad.

Give Jesse a kiss.
Give him a kiss.

Oh, yeah. Have mercy.

Can you say "have mercy"?

Can you say that, little guy?

Have mercy!

You will someday.

Here we go. Time to go to sleep.

There ya go, big Tone-arama.

Here we go, man.

Good night, Tony.

Aw, Michelle, that's so sweet.

Come on.

You're going home
tomorrow, you 'member?

[♪♪♪]

♪ Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahhh ♪

[♪♪♪]