Full House (1987–1995): Season 3, Episode 23 - Fraternity Reunion - full transcript

[PLAYING DREAMY MELODY]

Uncle Jesse, let's play a game.

You wanna play a game?
All right, I'll play with you.

What game do you wanna play?
Wanna play our laughing game?

I'm gonna win.

Ah, you're dreamin'.

You remember how
to play the game?

You try to make me laugh,
and I try to make you laugh,

and whoever laughs first, loses.

Okay, you ready?

On your marks, get set, go!



Hoo. Hoo. Hoo.

Hey! Ow.

Ow, ow!

Okay. You win. You win!

Ow-ow-ow-ow-ow.

Ah-ah-ah-ah!

[♪♪♪]

[JESSIE FREDERICK'S
"EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK" PLAYING]

♪ Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahhh ♪

♪ Ahhh ♪

♪ Whatever happened
To predictability ♪

♪ The milkman The paperboy ♪

♪ Evenin' TV? ♪

♪ Ahhh ♪



♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ There's a heart ♪
♪ There's a heart ♪

♪ A hand to hold on to ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ There's a face ♪

♪ Of somebody who needs you ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ When you're lost out
there And you're all alone ♪

♪ A light is waitin'
To carry you home ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahhh ♪

♪ Dooby-doo-baa-ba-daa ♪

[♪♪♪]

BOTH: ♪ We are Chi Sigma Sigma ♪

♪ Chi Sigma squared ♪

♪ We are Chi Sigma
Sigma So girls be prepared ♪

♪ Ooga-chaka, ooga-chaka
Ooga-chaka, ooh ♪

[BOTH LAUGH]

Oh, our 10-year
fraternity reunion tonight.

You know how long
I've been waiting for this?

Ten years.

Can't take it anymore.

Living in this city
is driving me crazy.

Oh, come on, Jess, take it easy.

Joseph, I have just spent
the last hour stuck in traffic,

sucking black smoke
from the back end of a bus.

Why didn't I go around, you ask?

Because that's where the
guy with the jackhammer

was tearing the street apart.

But did the most obnoxious
noise in the world bother me?

No. It was actually
a nice distraction

from the stray pit bull
chewing on my boot!

Jess, are you okay?

Yes, I'm fine. Luckily,

the pit bull was distracted
by some punk kid

who whizzed by on a skateboard,

spray-painting
graffiti on my helmet!

Well, it goes great with the
pink stripe on your jacket.

He put that there too.

Guys, you know what I need?

I need a nice drive
through the wilderness.

Let the wind blow
through my hair,

sun in my face,

I'll cruise through the pine
trees and the redwoods,

cruise through the flowers.

I better cruise by
the pharmacy first

'cause... I'm allergic
to all those things.

I'm outta here!

[CHUCKLES]

Joey, have you seen my
Chi Sigma Sigma sweater?

I'd love to wear it to
the reunion tonight.

Don't you remember?
Our fraternity brothers

burned it the night you let
the Lambda Tau Delta girls

steal our fraternity seal.

Hey,

they jumped me when
I was trying to clean it.

Danny, they tickled
you to the ground.

Our whole fraternity
was disgraced.

I just hope you're prepared
to relive that shame tonight.

Oh, man.

I wish there was some
way to get that seal back.

And there is.

The Greek houses are
having their 10-year reunion.

We'll just steal the
seal back from the girls

who stole it from us.

Don't you think
we're a little old

for some stupid college prank?

No.

It's up to you, Danny.

Do you wanna be fraternity dud?

Or fraternity stud?

I'm gonna be the stud.

REPORTER [OVER TV]: The Soviets have
been borrowing to import consumer goods,

trying to put something
in the shops to quell pop...

[WILD ROCK PLAYING]

Kimmy, we have to watch
the news for our homework.

The news will be old tomorrow.

But the top-10 video
countdown is good for a week.

But, Kimmy, our grades will
stay on our record forever.

New plan.

Why don't we bring
this TV upstairs?

Then we can watch
two TVs at once.

Kimmy, that is...
Not a bad idea.

Okay.

KIMMY: Okay, lift on three.

One, two, three.

What are you doing?

We're taking this TV upstairs

so we can watch the music videos
and the news at the same time.

Pretty smart idea I had, huh?

If you're so smart,

why don't you just bring
the little TV downstairs?

Yeah, Kimmy, why didn't you
bring the little TV downstairs?

Because... we
needed the exercise.

But now that we're pumped,
I'll go get the little TV.

[GASPS] Kimmy!

What? Why?

How? Who?

Whoa, baby!

Mr. Tanner, I am
really, really sorry.

It was all my idea.

It was your idea to throw my
television over the banister?

No, no, no. We have a
really good explanation, see.

We wanted to watch
the music videos

and do our homework
at the same time and...

You know, it sounded
better before I said it.

I am really,
really, really sorry.

I talked D.J. into it.

I appreciate your
honesty, Kimmy,

but just because you
thought of a dumb idea

doesn't mean D.J.
had to go along with it.

It seems every time the
two of you get together,

there's some kind of trouble.

Good point, Pop.

Kimmy, I think it's
time for you to go home.

Okay, but I want you
to know that I am really,

really, really, really,

really, really sorry!

D.J., for the next three weeks,

you are not allowed to see
or talk to Kimmy Gibbler.

But, Dad, she's my best friend.

You know, I don't even know
why you hang out with her.

You and Kimmy have
nothing in common,

except maybe your school work.

And that's only
because she copies it.

Now go on up to your room.

Well, I guess we told her.

[♪♪♪]

How do you do that?

Well, you go clap,
clap, one, two, three,

clap, one...

Why don't I teach you
Patty Cake instead?

Okay. I hope it's fun.

D.J., shouldn't you be
getting dinner ready?

Oh, right now, Dad.

I'll teach you Patty Cake later.

Pinkie swear?

Pinkie swear.

Danny, I have everything we
need to get our fraternity seal back.

Don't worry, it's
the perfect plan.

Oh, yeah? What is it?

You'll just have to trust me.

Come on, Joey, tell me.

Trust me.

Why won't you tell me?

Because I don't trust you.

Bye, girls.

Bye, Dad! Bye, Joey! Bye, guys.

See you later.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Now, come on, we're just
gonna grab the seal and leave.

Can't we just leave?

No, come on.

Wait, we can't do this.

Thank goodness. You've
come to your senses.

No, you're lopsided.

That's it. I'm outta here.

Ugh, Hi.

[FEMININE VOICE] Hello.

I'm Mary Ann, class of '80.

[FEMININE VOICE] Hi, I'm
Sheila, and I have no class.

[GIGGLES] Oh,
she's such a funster!

Hello, I'm April.

Forgive me, but I don't
remember either of you.

And I'm pretty sure I would.

Oh, well, we didn't belong
to the San Francisco chapter.

We're from the Midwest.

Oh, where?

Missouri. Illinois.

It was a very big campus.

Bye, have a good time.

Thank you. Bye. Bye.

Oh, hi.

You look great.

[NORMAL] How do
they walk like that?

[NORMAL] I don't know,
but I'm glad they do.

We can do that.

BOTH [FEMININE]: Hi.

Hi, excuse us. Hi. Excuse us.

[NORMAL] Joey, there's the seal.

JOEY: I'll go check it out.

Okay.

Need a hand?

[FEMININE] Excuse me?

I've had my eyes on you
from the moment you walked in.

You're not like the other girls.

Thank you for noticing.

Couple of tall timbers like us
could start quite a forest fire.

Here's my card.

Later. You, me, lambada.

How rude!

Excuse me.

Hello.

Joey.

[NORMAL] Joey!

That waiter just
tried to pick me up.

Don't settle for anything
less than a doctor.

Come on.

Excuse us. Bye. Excuse us.

Look, Danny, there's
women everywhere.

I'll create a diversion,
you break in, grab the seal.

Got it.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Listen up, girls.

[WHISTLES]

Girls, how do I say this?

Um, this party is
rather, um, boring.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Now, in the Illinois chapter,

we used to roast wienies
and burp Tupperware.

But our favorite was the limbo!

[♪♪♪]

Sounds like fun! All right!

Okay. Everybody, ready? Line up.

[LAUGHS]

You take a turn too, Sheila.

[CHUCKLES] Come on.

WOMAN: Sheila, baby.

How low can I go?
I'm a limbo bimbo.

Whoo.

[ALL GASP]

This bimbo's a man!

[FEMININE] Well, thank goodness!

I don't have to live
this lie another minute!

Grab the... [NORMAL]
Grab the seal!

Stop him!

Lock the door! Lock the door!

Joey!

Danny, I'm open!

Got it! Good! Whoa!

It's the geek! Tickle him!

Oh, no! Go, Joey!

[LAUGHING] Oh, no, stop
it, stop! You're killing me!

[LAUGHTER]

WOMAN: Get 'em
up, let's get 'em up.

Hey, this isn't funny.

It's not supposed to be.

I'm a police officer.

And you're both under
arrest for attempted burglary.

[WOMEN CHEERING]

You tease!

[♪♪♪]

Joey, why are you
still wearing that wig?

Because, otherwise,
I'd look silly.

Well, what do we have here?

A fashion violation?

Hey, this happens to be a copy
of a very expensive ensemble.

And this happens
to be jail. Shut up!

Well, it's too bad you
couldn't pay your bail.

Didn't your mother tell you guys

to always put emergency
money in your purse?

That's what you get for
messing with Lambda Tau Delta.

[CLICKS TONGUE]

In you go, gentlemen.

Guess what. It's happy hour.

Excuse me, we're
kind of new at this.

You wouldn't per chance
have a training cell, would you?

Move it!

Would you try to act tough.
You're sweating like a pig.

It's these wimpy
women's deodorants.

They just don't cut it!

[GRUFFLY] So...

what'd you lugs get busted for?

Scalping.

Tickets.

No.

Uh... excuse me,
your criminalities,

I think it's time for
my one phone call.

Sergeant, phone call!

You guys like Popeye?

[IMITATES POPEYE LAUGHING]

Okay, Michelle, now here's
how you play Patty Cake.

♪ Patty cake, patty cake ♪

[PHONE RINGS]

Hold on.

Aw, nuts!

Hello?

Yes, I'll accept the charges.

Uh, sweetheart, um,

I have a little
bit of a problem.

Joey and I, we pulled
kind of a silly prank tonight,

and we're sort
of, uh... in jail.

You're where?

Shhh! I don't wanna
scare your sisters.

Now, listen carefully to me,

I want you to call
Grandma or Becky

and give them the
checkbook on my dresser,

and have them come down to
the Powell Street police station

and bail us out immediately.

Okay, don't worry, Dad,
you can count on me.

JOEY: Danny! Oh, thanks, honey.

Oh, and, D.J? Hurry!

Danny, are we outta here?

Danny? Danny?

Bail is on the way.

Danny?

I think I know you.

Aren't you Danny Tanner?

That depends. Does that
make you happy or sad?

You're the host of
Wake Up, San Francisco.

I love that show.

You have a big
following in prison.

Really?

Did you catch my segment on
Southwestern cooking last week?

Loved it! It's interesting,

'cause we don't like to
make simulated cooking stuff.

We really cook it on the...

Your dad's in the slammer?

Shhh.

What did he do? Dustbust a cop?

I don't know what he did, but
I can't find Grandma or Becky,

so I have to go down myself
and bail him and Joey out.

Kimmy, you're not allowed
in this house for three weeks!

You're in big trouble, mister!

Um, it's okay.

I have to go out, so
Kimmy's gonna watch you.

We might stand a better
chance taking care of ourselves.

Look, I just have
to run an errand.

[CAR HORN HONKS]

Uh, that's my cab.

Don't worry, Steph,
everything will be fine.

What about my Patty Cake?

I'll teach you your
Patty Cake later.

Aw, nuts again!

What's wrong?

Never fear, Gibbler's here.

Oh, I feel much better now.

Will you teach me Patty Cake?

Sure, I'll teach you, squirt.

Thank you, but
don't call me squirt.

ALL: ♪ To you, New York ♪

♪ New York ♪

[CLAPPING]

We're available in
three to five years.

Great, I'll have
my parole officer

call your parole officer.

Yes! Yes!

Um, excuse me, I'm
looking for Danny Tanner.

Uh, blue dress.

Dad, Joey, what have
they done to you guys?

The sad part is, we
did this to ourselves.

D.J., what are you doing here?

Grandma and Becky weren't
home, so I had to come down myself.

But don't worry about
Stephanie and Michelle,

because Kimmy's watching them.

Yeah, this night keeps
getting better and better.

Tanner, Gladstone.

The sorority took a vote.

We decided you've
been humiliated enough.

We're dropping the charges.

Oh, thank you.
Danny, we're free!

Never ever hug me
when I'm in prison.

BOTH: ♪ Patty cake, patty cake ♪

♪ Baker's man ♪

♪ Bake me a cake
As fast as we can ♪

♪ Roll it, pat it ♪

♪ Mark it with a B ♪

♪ Put it in the oven
For you and me ♪

[CLAPPING] Yay!

Good job!

We're back.

Daddy's a girl!

No, he's a woman.

An ugly woman.

I guess you girls are wondering
why we're wearing these clothes.

Well, I can explain it
all in just four words.

It's all Joey's fault!

So is everything okay here?

Kimmy taught me Patty Cake.

She's really an
excellent babysitter.

Well, I'm very happy

and incredibly
shocked to hear that.

Now, you girls should go to bed.

Good night, Kimmy.

Good night, Steph.

Come on, Michelle.

I just hugged Kimmy Gibbler.

Dad and Joey are in dresses.

What a day!

Kimmy, thank you
for all your help.

You did a good job tonight.

So I'm gonna take a week
off of your banishment.

Wow. Thanks, Mr. T.

I guess a stretch
in the big house

really mellows a guy out.

You guys haven't said
a word to each other

since I sprung you.

I am sick of Joey
and his dumb ideas.

Dad, you said it doesn't matter
who thinks up the dumb idea

if the other person
goes along with it.

Yeah, but I didn't
wanna go along with this.

But you did. And you
know why you did?

Because you made me.

No.

Because you need
some fun in your life.

One day we're going to look
back at this and laugh our heads off.

I doubt it.

Uh, Dad, you might wanna
take a look in the mirror.

You know, if we teased our
hair, and kind of contoured

our cheek bones
a little bit, we'd be...

We'd still be the ugliest
women in the world.

[BOTH LAUGH]

When you guys laugh like that,

it sounds just like
me and Kimmy.

Well, I guess in a way,

Joey is sort of
my Kimmy Gibbler.

Thanks a lot, Danny.

No, no. I mean, you
make my life crazier.

Heck, Joey, if
it wasn't for you,

I'd be wearing pants right now.

So, uh, bosom buddies?

Ah, Joey, we're out
of prison, gimme a hug.

[BOTH LAUGH]

[♪♪♪]

Thank God, I'm back in the city.

Jess, where have you been?

I've been lost in the woods.

Where there are no street
signs, because there are no streets

because no one in their
right mind goes in the woods!

Man, what happened to you?

Mother Nature kicked my butt.

Ooh.

Whoa! What, did you
run into a pudding truck?

I'm glad you're having fun.

No, it just so happens
I jumped into a swamp.

I saw in a Yogi Bear cartoon

that if a horde of angry
bees are chasing you,

they won't follow
you into a swamp.

FYI, Yogi was wrong.

Jess, were you attacked
by a wild animal?

No, I got thrown
off my motorcycle.

It was spooked by a snake.

Or a... snake-like twig.

Why don't you go get
upstairs, take a bath...?

Danny?

Yeah?

Is that a pearl earring
you're wearing?

Is there anything you'd
like to talk to me about?

You don't wanna know.

I'm gonna go wash up.
I've had a strange day.

Although, yours might
have been a little stranger.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

♪ Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahhh ♪

[♪♪♪]